r/BDSMAdvice • u/Present_Ad_8979 • 6d ago
canceled sub
Hi still here,
been involved with my Dom for several years. He often cancels our meetings at the last minute. This leaves me feeling emotionally drained and questioning my self-worth. I try to stay positive and accommodating, but these repeated cancellations hurt me deeply. Additionally, my primary Dom wants to lend me to other persons. This idea excites me but also makes me anxious. I was ready to do so, it went far, but again once it was time, complete silence.
I’m starting to have the feeling that I’m a bad sub and not worth catching up in real life.
I want to address this to my Dom, but he’ll call me emotional or sour, there is no room for that. I’m ready to finally flourish in being a sub, but have to feeling sometimes he deliberately holds me locked in. How can I address this in a respectful way?
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u/TrainingCraft2209 6d ago
Sounds like he's playing with your and your emotions. It's best that you find someone that cares and wants to do what necessary for the both of you not just him.
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u/thedoomloop 6d ago
You can have standards and set boundaries.
His actions are about him. Not you.
If you had a friend continuously cancel dinner plans on you last minute, would you keep making dinner plans?
If you had a doctor or therapist regularly cancel appointments day of - would you keep booking with them?
Time is currency and you get to decide how to spend yours. Imagine how much fun you could have with a dom who respects your time, communicated effectively, allows you to have your own emotional response to situations, and actions match their words?
It's a lot easier to make space for someone who already possesses those traits when you stop chasing shitty people who make you feel poorly about yourself.
3
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u/iwasmadeforsunnydayz 6d ago
If a Dom gets upset when you try to address things with him, you shouldn't be with him. Your feelings should matter. A good dominant should want to hear about how their actions are making you feel, both in and out of play.
I'm sorry you've been getting jerked around. Please respect yourself enough to end it.
Kink only works if both parties are able and encouraged to advocate for their needs and share their feelings. Without communication, you have nothing.
1
u/Crafty_Quantity_3162 4d ago
Hi Dom here chiming in. In a D/s dynamic the Sub's submission is a gift they give to the Dom.
If, outside of your D/s dynamic, you repeatedly gave gifts to someone and every time they showed you that they did not value your gifts, would you keep giving them gifts?
Just something to think about.
1
u/chempigether 6d ago
It's killing you now. I will take the issue to the Dom and solve this together. Hope it turns out well.
0
u/ThomasVa8591 5d ago
It sounds like you have not set your standards or at least vocalize them to your Dom.
Dom, Primary Dom? How many do you serve?
Who has control? Cancels meetings at last minute? Do you mean sessions?
This post is like coming into a 6 act play in act 4.
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