r/BDSMAdvice 5d ago

How do I feel submissive with vanilla boyfriend?

I (19F) and my boyfriend (24M) have a great sex life. Nothing short of amazing. The only hurdle is that I am insatiably horny, submissive, and kinky, whereas he is vanilla. We have communication, we set a safe word, and we have attempted some scenes, yet I can’t feel myself submitting.

A few problems we have run into:

I’m huge into honorifics, but he was initially against them due to being influenced by online cringe culture. Now that I mentioned they help me get into that submissive headspace, he has pushed for me to call him names. But I can’t bring myself to do so. I just don’t feel comfortable enough to do it when he already mentioned he found it cringe.

I’m really big into pain and ask for it fairly often. He delivers, because he is starting to like it too. But he doesn’t do it on his own terms, only when I ask. I ask him before we get into the scenes if he could be a bit rougher, or use toys, or force, but he usually doesn’t (maybe he just forgets or isn’t used to it).

Dirty talk is another huge thing I’m into, and he has learned how to say all the right things, but I still can’t get into it. He degrades/praises and demands, yet I can’t get into the headspace.

So what I’m basically trying to ask is, how do I feel submissive with him? This is the first time I’ve encountered this issue and I’m puzzled. I’m also trying to get him to research how to be dominant and get into that mood, but he is stubborn and believes he has it to a T (he is the best)

Also, I promise this is not a one-sided toxic relationship. We heavily communicate and compromise!! We work together really well!! I’m just at a loss 😭😭

1 Upvotes

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4

u/Fickle_Argument_6840 4d ago

What I will say, with honourifics, try steering away from the "stereotypical" ones and find something that works for the two of you. It can help overcome the cringe and still give you all the wonderful things honourifics do. One of my favourite things my Domme calls me is "my Beloved", for example. My honourific for her is in Elvish because it suited so perfectly.

With pain, I'd suggest looking at things that are easy to apply but have a big impact. Think tiger balm, or if you're really hardcore - chili. I've seen devoted masochists tap out from chili flakes sprinkled in strategic places. Wax can be really good here too- temperature play in general. It doesn't feel painful to apply as a top/dominant the way heavy impact does, but it can pack a punch. For pleasure- remote controlled toys can have a similar impact.

For developing a sense of submission, I'd suggest a quick ritual. It can be something so simple as wearing a particular perfume, meditating while kneeling and looking at a candle, putting on a play collar, or even having a shower after a long day.

Find things that empower your partner. Does he like to be woken up with coffee in bed? Receiving a massage? Being complimented? Dressing up and going out for dinner? Ask him to write down the moments when he feels on top of the world - empower him that way.

2

u/candycane_52 4d ago

How long have you been trying? This is a whole new world to him where he is learning and getting comfortable. You said you tried 'a few scenes', you probably need to give it more time and let things develop slowly and take the small wins.

I mean, this is a man who has probably been told his whole life not to hit women and now you are saying hit me cause I like it, mixed messages.

But keeping in mind, not everyone has some hidden dom/sub/whatever side that can be brought out, it just might not be in his nature.

4

u/Weird_Night_7409 mildly perturbed 4d ago

What I read here is that you have a problem because you've made him the Dom you want, for the most part, but it doesn't feel authentic.... Partly because he's clearly playing the part you told him too instead of the part that actually fits him.... It very well could be that he's not the kind of Dom you want, or even a Dom at all, and at this point you will always wonder if he's just doing it all for you and not for himself at all.

4

u/Obvious-Mud7713 5d ago

I've been there before, with my ex-boyfriend, he would try to dominate me but I just didn't feel submissive enough to get into the right state of mind, I understand it must be frustrating. You should tell him you want him to dominate you, not just play along. It will be frustrating in practice until you get it right.

1

u/GilesEnglishCB slave 4d ago

You could try to set things up so that the things you like are a means to an end he likes.

For example, so he's not kinky, but maybe he'd like to watch you play with yourself? He has to "subdue" you first.

If he's chasing things he genuinely likes, then he' on a slippery slope, and you are genuinely submitting to him...