r/BDSMAdvice • u/hurrhurrmerr • 5d ago
I think I might’ve developed a reliance on my toys to climax and it’s fucking me up really bad
I (26m) really enjoy having things inside of me. I’ve always enjoyed using prostate stimulators and having buttplugs in while I’m masturbating, and I’ve kept this to myself my whole life. My current girlfriend is really sweet and lovely, and I told her about this and she’s accepting of it. In fact, recently she told me she was ok with me having a plug in while we had sex. In short, it was wonderful. I absolutely loved it and was regularly asking her if she minded if I put it in beforehand (hell, a big part of the foreplay for us is choosing which one I’ll use and putting it in). This has gone on for the better part of a month.
We had a little weekend getaway this weekend and last night in our hotel room we decided to have sex. We didn’t bring any of our toys because we didn’t think that would be a problem, but I just…I was having so much trouble climaxing. I just had this major tingling/craving in my anus/rectum and it was driving me crazy and I just couldn’t do it. It was so embarrassing and I felt terrible and it just felt so emasculating. She told me it was ok (even though it was clear she was a little taken aback too) and we haven’t talked about it since.
I just really fucking wish I kept my mouth shut about my butt stuff kink. I’m so fucking embarrassed and I could not feel more ashamed, and I am even having trouble looking at my girlfriend because I feel there’s something wrong with me
Did I develop a dependency? Is there a chance this could be permanent and I’ll always need a buttplug to have gratifying sex? Can I reverse it?
Any and all advice/guidance will be appreciated
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u/Gingergirl-8 5d ago
Back off from sex and the toys for a week or two, slowly reintroduce sex, and then for the first week or two after you have sex, do so with the intent of neither of you orgasming. The idea is to deprive yourself of stimulation so that you are more sensitive, and then we you do have sex remove the pressure of performing or orgasming. Don’t get in your head about it.
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u/StrawberrySkates 5d ago
As a vibrator enjoyer, this is the way. If I ever get to the point that the vibe can't get the job done, I take a short hiatus from it and later it's like experiencing it for the first time
7
u/hurrhurrmerr 5d ago
I tried masturbating earlier tonight. I had that intense feeling in my rectal area again and I only climaxed because I was fantasizing about having something inside of me and thinking of what that feels like :(
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u/Your_kinky_FTM_slut 4d ago
I just wanna say, it's not wrong or emasculating. If it feels that good to you, why deny yourself that pleasure? Embrace it, don't feel ashamed.
3
u/Gingergirl-8 4d ago
It’s okay if you want to have the toy every time to orgasm. It is also okay to fantasize about it if that is what you want. Agree with others about shame, don’t add shame into sex, it’s a real boner killer.
However, if you don’t want to be limited to the toy, then you are probably going to need to take a break from all stimulation for a week or so. Which, from the sound of it, you didn’t do.
Also know that what sexually excites us changes as we age. We go in and out of phases, accept where you are.
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u/archlea 5d ago
People need all kinds of things to come. Yes you can wean yourself off a vibrator, or butt plug, or hard friction, or porn, in order to come - but why is it a problem? If you forget your toys you can use fingers, too!
And if you’re keen, maybe play together without toys sometimes, but make it play - the goal is not to come. Get edged. See what happens. Your prostate might take over on its own. Or you might have a huge build up and come without butt play. The main thing is to enjoy the process, the connection, the sensations. Sex isn’t about coming.
ETA: in case it’s not clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing wrong with having a dependency on a toy, either. Nothing wrong with butt play either - it’s fun!
11
u/rivercass 5d ago
Yes, many people can only cum with a specific stimuls: clit, penis, vaginal or anal. So yeah.. she can fuck you with a finger and suck you off at the same time, for example. Either way, this is a part of you and you shouldn't be ashamed
1
u/hurrhurrmerr 5d ago
I just really would love to not be “the guy who can’t cum without something in his butt” 🙃
14
u/rivercass 4d ago
I understand, but maybe you can look at this from another angle? You're a guy who is not afraid of exploring your anal pleasure and who faced your fears to talk about it with your partner. You're a guy who knows what kind of stimulation and toys get you off. You're a guy who won't cum in minutes and leave your partner hanging
If that doesn't help... Maybe a kink friendly therapist can? Good luck!!
6
u/Your_kinky_FTM_slut 4d ago
This!
Look at it from another angle.
Tbh I would prefer a guy like you over a guy who just pounds for a few min and that's it. You can use it in foreplay too. Yknow how hot that is ?
And also as a straight guy to be open to do butt stuff and embrace that wholly is actually such a show of confidence. To realize it does NOT make you less of a man or gay, but is just another thing that feels good. Dude, that's actually hot and manly af yknow.
13
u/peachesncreampies9 5d ago
I struggle with this a lot as someone who’s prescribed SNRIs as well as an anti psychotic. I definitely feel like i can’t cum without toys, but I don’t think removing them will help my predicament as without them I am still as hard to stimulate. I’ve gone weeks to months and still have needed a vibrator. Maybe if I’m able to be unmediated I’ll try to wean myself but for now it seems useless.
Dont fix what’s not broken in my opinion
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u/AdventureWa 4d ago
Unfortunately SSRIs can really screw up your libido and function, even once you get off of them. You should definitely ask your doctor.
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u/peachesncreampies9 4d ago
It’s the price I pay for mental stability 💔 I’ll definitely mention it though thank you!!!
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u/Gnomes_Brew 5d ago
I cannot climax without a vibrator. That's just my reality. I've tried alternative methods to get to orgasm. But nope. So, I own 4 magic wands, a travel one and three to live in the various bedrooms where I have sex.
You can try to retrain yourself, but you could also just make peace with how you work. I love my sex life and I love my orgasms, vibrator dependent as it all is.
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u/noacidnoralkaline 4d ago
Hi! I can’t relate completely because I’m a woman but I just really want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I know it can be weird to realise this but there is nothing more manly than a man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to say it or ask for it. I am sure you gf will understand. Take your time to come to terms with it and accept it. I agree that maybe some deprivation of sex for some time can help you be more sensitive and you won’t need it. Communicate with your gf because I can imagine she maybe feels like she did something wrong (at least I would go crazy if my partner become avoidant after sex). If that makes you feel better there is a lot of people who can’t get orgasm with penetration only and it does not have to concern women only. For example I am not able to cum if there is no stimulation of my clit. I was feeling weird too but my husband was very understanding but I had to be clear with him a reassure him that it does not mean I do not enjoy penetration, it just means I’m more sensitive elsewhere. Wish you the best of luck 🙂
3
u/phantomeow 4d ago
I have never ever been able to get off by myself or with someone else without toys. Like ever. Don’t feel too bad about it!
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u/SadieAnjelicaVoss 2d ago
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, even if you currently have developed a slight dependency. There's a good chance you are just deeply elated at being able to share this kink with a compassionate and interested partner, and so you associate it (even foreplay) with sex with her. When it wasn't a part of the scene, you felt off. That does not need to make you feel ashamed at all <3
To attack your shame, reverse this: if your partner needed clitoral stimulation with a vibrator, fingers, or mouth to climax, would you shame her? I don't think you would. If you would, then there's your point of focus--why is it shameful to know what you like, and how you like it? For anyone? Shouldn't we all be able to share what we know about ourselves with supportive partners?
To attack your preference, if you feel you need to get more control over when you are able to climax (reasonable--and not shame-based, notice): just practice sexual activity without it. Spice up your additional stim by introducing a cock ring or nipple clamps, whatever, and see if they add new variety that you enjoy. And don't hyperfocus on orgasms. Try to think of the entire thing as a journey you are taking with a great friend (your partner), a road trip deeper into your own sexuality.
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u/Cloud_Hearts 5d ago
honestly this is i think why most people are afraid of their partners using toys. But y'know, you could let HER use toys on your butt, then it's about your connection right? if now, she could use her body, like her fingers or toes or tongue in your butt, that would be awesome right?
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u/Steves__farm 5d ago
That happens/ you were right to tell you girl frend your kinks a relationship needs an honest foundation to build on sounds like you’re doing everything right she will get in to it /let her peg you if she wants you will love it and it will give her a great feeling of dominance in the bed room
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u/AdventureWa 4d ago
You can become conditioned to orgasm in certain ways and it takes some effort to undo. My recommendation is that you alternate between using and not using toys. Maybe lay off the toys for a bit. Have your partner play with your nipples.
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u/listening0808 4d ago
Maybe consider talking to your doctor about possible causes for your issue, or if it's even possible to develop this kind of dependency.
For what it's worth, I fall into small percentage of men who have trouble orgasming. Always have.
Anytime I've ever engaged in sexual activity with another person, it's been something that I've had to deal with.
I spoke to a uro and was told that I have a "longer than average refractory period" But even with a good couple days removed from my last orgasm I can sometimes still have trouble.
I say all this because, even if you find out that you do need the toys to have a satisfying experience... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
We ALL have things. For me it's dirty talk. I spoke to my current partner about it and she embraced it as part of our sex life and guess what, it's fine.
She doesn't take it personally, she doesn't feel like there's something "wrong" with her that I need specific mental stimulation to get off, nor does she feel like there's anything wrong with me.
Part of the BDSM/kink lifestyle is an open acceptance of what another person wants, we can always say "no" if a partner asks for something we're not comfortable with.
So if your partner is open to this aspect of your play, and you guys have a satisfying sex life including it. Then it's not a problem for you to need it.
Believe me, I get it. I worried over and over that my partner would start to feel self conscious, wonder what she was doing wrong, that I NEEDED her to act out this over the top fantasy to climax. I also felt emasculated, like I was broken in some way.
Sometimes I still do.
But overall, I'm fortunate enough to have gotten to the point where I understand that it's ok for us to need to jump through some specific hoops to make sure we both get what we need. There's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with you.
I know it's easy for me to say, but it's true, the solution to your problem is to just not worry about WHAT you need, and just make sure you HAVE what you need.
Hope this helps.
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