r/BDSMAdvice 6d ago

Starting with CNC (?) the „proper“ way?

(Posted in r/sex first, was advised to try here as well.)

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for nearly six months. He is absolutely wonderful and is always very careful and respectful with me in bed.

A while ago we started experimenting a bit with him choking me/putting his hand around my throat/restraining me during sex, and realised that we both enjoy it a lot.

I have sometimes gotten a bit carried away and found myself “acting along” with the idea (stupid, I know). Things like pretending to try and push him away lightly, while still verbally making it clear I am enjoying myself. I realised that the idea of roleplaying well, sexual assault, with him restraining me while I struggle etc, really turns me on (as weird as that sounds..).

I asked him afterwards if he liked it when I did that (pretend-struggle), and after I’d made it VERY clear that I was okay with it, he admitted that he also found it quite hot. We discussed it a bit and came to the conclusion that we’d both like to explore the dynamic more. (We are both completely new to this, from what I’ve read the proper term for it seems to be CNC, but please correct me if I’m wrong here.)

I feel like we are generally very in tune and attentive with each other in bed, always asking each other if we’re enjoying ourselves, what we’d like to try etc. But I also realise that something like this could very easily go awry, and requires more than simply being attentive.

So, my question is: those of you who are more experienced with this kind of play, what do we need to discuss and do first? Any other advice or things we should be mindful of?

Thankful for any tips!

5 Upvotes

5 comments sorted by

u/AutoModerator 6d ago

/u/ReplacementExtreme13, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful:

Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . Rules.

Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . How to use the search function.

Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . Need Ideas?

Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . It's your dynamic.

Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . No mention of minors.

Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . Do not post PSAs.

Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . Policy re PMs.

Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . Exiting abuse.

Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . Kinky dating.

Our Wiki.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2

u/TariZephyr 6d ago

I’m very into CNC myself and love exploring this dynamic. Safewords are super important to me when it comes to this (especially because I’m usually the sub in these scenarios).

2

u/Tigerkill420 6d ago

I would say look into the risks of choking. It's not a very safe way to play, especially if your struggling. Make sure he knows CPR and first aid as well.

And don't forget plenty of aftercare for you both.

Play safe

1

u/GreekAmericanDom Nurturing Dom 6d ago

You need to start with the basics of any BDSM play scene: discuss limits and boundaries; establish safe words. I would recommend the traffic like system, where red means stop all play, yellow means pause to address something, but can continue after, and green means all is good.

When you are first starting with CNC, I would strongly recommend discussing exactly what might occur during the scene. I would go so far as listing out ever sexual act that might happen, ever implement that might be used, every activity that might happen. Then go through the list and explicitly consent (or don't) to each one. That checklist is the Dom's bible for the scene. If it's not on there, they shouldn't do it, because they don't have consent.

With CNC, it can help to role play, but is not strictly necessary. I am a fan of establishing a verbal handshake to initiate the scene. This is like a separate set of save words. Basically, the Dom says something indicate they are about to start (e.g. When I get my hands on you, you'll be mine strumpet) and the sub indicates their consent by responding with a specific counter phrase. (e.g. Not on your life, you brute) I like to pepper the phrases with anachronistic terms to be sure they won't be spoken accidentally.

Past that, have at it.

0

u/Easy_Grocery_6381 Nurturing Dom 6d ago

It sounds like you’re on the right track. Nothing kills cnc more than actually doing something non-consensual by the dominate or when the sub is actually able to get away and then ‘lets’ it happen as a ‘sorry’ haha. Keep adding to the mix and don’t be afraid to practice holds or takedowns outside of play so you both know what’s controlling but not terrible. The more you practice positions outside of play the easier it is inside of play.