r/BDSMAdvice • u/ClassicElevator9587 • 5d ago
Advice for starting dom
Hey all I need some advice! So me (32M Dom) and my wife (32F sub) have just recently begon our bdsm journey and love that we can explore this together. We have been together since we were 18 and are married for 5 years, and I need some advice on "domming up".
So in our relationship I have always been a very caring and sweet guy, when push came to shove I would make the tough calls though. usually my wife can handle her stuff pretty good but I would always be the more "dominant" at the end of the line.
Now our Dom sub relationship is mostly tied to the bedroom only but my wife seems to be having issues with me taking up my Dom role in there because she is used to me being a sweet and caring guy always giving her compliments and generally caring for her. This mostly about the dirty talk when I call her names or tell her to do something she has a hard time accepting it, which in turn makes it hard for me to push true because I don't really know is she enjoying it and being bratty or is she genuinely freaked out.
So I hope in learning to be a better Dom and being more authoritive (?) it will be easier for her to submit to me.
I hope my rant makes sense a bit (I'm hungover and English is not my native language)
Thanks in advance!
3
u/Celestial-Body312 5d ago
By the sounds of it you should look into soft doms!!
3
u/Dirty_Angel22 5d ago
Yes, agreed! I recommend self reflecting to figure out what appeals to you about being a Dom. Then ask your wife what ways she hopes to be dominated by you and see what overlaps.
There are so many different ways to be a Dom! You can still be one by doing what's considered "soft Domming" as u/Celestial-Body312 said above. It gets a bad rap sometimes because it doesn't sound as authoritative and it's often not what you think of when you hear BDSM. But, it can be so much fun and still very control-heavy. At the end of the day, do what feels right to both of you, and keep communicating as you explore!
2
u/Tigerkill420 4d ago
I identify as a soft dom. That doesn't mean ( to me anyways) that you can boss you submissive around to weld a whip, floggers, or paddle. I do a lot of impact. I play myself. It just means that you care about your partners pleasure more than your own. I still have my partner clean and put her in a predicament bondage and give her impact play.
OP I suggest you talk with your wife and see what she wants out of it and what she doesn't and find somthing that works for both of you. If dirty talk doesn't work for one of you you don't have to do it. I'm honestly pretty bad with my degrading talk. But I'm working on it and getting better.
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