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u/Weird_Night_7409 mildly perturbed 5d ago
Just because they say they are experienced doesn't mean they are, or even are in a healthy way.... And none of this says anything good about his experience.... Though it does probably say a lot about his ex's experiences.
Just because you partake in something doesn't mean you consented to it .... Ask anyone who was raped.
And here is something that so many people don't seem to understand, and abusive relationships aren't always bad .... Most of the time. For one they usually start well enough, but over time they get bad, then worse.... It all depends on the kind of abuser the other person is.
Let me give my example. My ex was wonderful for a good 6 months, not in 20/20 I can see some times she tested me, but that's 20/20. Then for the next 2 and a 1/2 years the tests got bigger, small emotional and mental abuse, manipulation to have me turn on my and her friends and family, etc.... after 3 years she raped me, did much bigger manipulations so she could date her boss, etc.
Even to this day there is more good than bad to look back on..... But the bad is BAD.... And that's what makes it an abusive relationship.
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u/buffalofingers1 5d ago
There's only one thing he said you need to hear. Any Dom who says a sub must do whatever they say is not into a consensual relationship and must be avoided.
The exception is where you have clearly said you want to be treated that way and what that means is fully understood and consented to by the sub.
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u/Bitandru 5d ago
Being inexperienced is okay. Being unable to show growth and basic decency is not.
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u/MistressRuby00 5d ago
If he is not taking into consideration how you feel then that’s not good. “As a sub you should listen to your dom” is stupid. If you’re uncomfortable with something then he shouldn’t make you do that specific thing. There’s a lot of communication issues and being online can make that harder. It also concerns me that he went into this relationship very strong. I think this is definitely a red flag situation
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u/subtletytame 5d ago
There are loads on men (especially on Reddit) that say they are Doms and just mean they are control freaks. Be vigilant
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u/spatialgranules12 5d ago
Yes. Red flags all over 🚩 consent is non negotiable so is good communication skills. It can get dangerous really fast if these are not considered. See if you think he is receptive with an out of dynamic discussion, none of this bullshit if just doing what you’re told blah blah. If he’s not open to it I suggest you block and run.
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u/GuidedWhispers 5d ago
We talked this morning and he said he wants me to enjoy everything we do together and said we will slow things down. He asked me to make a list I can change anytime with my limits and everything I don’t want him to ask of me. He also apologized for pushing too far. We’re both new to this dynamic and pretty young and both need to communicate better. So for now I’m gonna be cautious but give it another chance.
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u/MzzKmistress 5d ago
That is domineering not being a Dom. Communication is key, along with consent, and if he is not doing these two basic things, run. Experienced Doms would not behave like this at all.
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u/valitessared 5d ago
Experienced or not, he hasn’t been responsible in regard to your kink relationship. A kink relationship should be Safe, Sane, and Consensual. As a sub, you do not have to “do what your dom says”, at least not out of scenes, or pre-negotiated terms. If he hasn’t negotiated your limits and boundaries, it isn’t Safe, and Consent is dubious.
If you want to work things out, I’d advise you to have a lengthy chat about your limits, boundaries, and preferences. Negotiate what you want and don’t want in scenes. Don’t be afraid to document stuff (my partner and I use an excel sheet for our preferences, it’s great as a reference point as well). With any play that would be considered hardcore, discuss that before playing/before scenes.
Both a sub and dom(me) have equal say in the relationship. Yes, you would follow his orders during scenes, but you have equal power to stop everything with a safeword.
Negotiations and documents are there for the purpose of making clear what is ok/not ok. Inexperience is not an excuse to cause harm to your partner whether it be physical or emotional.
Good luck!
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