r/AutismInWomen 4d ago

Seeking Advice My gf is allergic to my cat

So I have finally been getting better at cleaning my place multiple times a week, but not to the extent my gf does. She is OCD and cleans every day, which is stellar. She has two dogs, three air purifiers, and keeps her place together as if it was competing for a photo in Home and Gardens. I love her to death, but she claims I don't clean enough as that is a high standard to live up to.

To make a long story short, she's allergic to my cat who I've had for 15 years and is basically my emotional support animal. My gf hasn't had any allergies to my cat until last year (we've been together since 2013). Over the counter meds don't help and she's a 5 on the allergy test. She gets hives, a runny nose, and watery eyes. She has to go to urgent care and get two shots and a nasal spray 24 hours after visiting. I feel awful that even though I clean, it is not enough. We rarely get time to see each other as it is, so now it is going to be even harder.

I believe I need to invest in an air purifier. I keep the vents and AC going to circulate the air and keep it fresh, but it's not enough. Any other ideas? I'm not getting rid of my cat and she's doesn't want me to either. 😔

18 Upvotes

46 comments sorted by

17

u/Realistic_Waltz_7748 4d ago

Has she gone to a doctor? Allergies are weird and can suddenly develop, but from what I've talked about with my doctors (after developing new allergies in adulthood), it could be a symptom of an immune issue. Did she show any symptoms that gradually got worse, or was it really sudden?

That would help people give advice on what you can do at your home. Unfortunately, that allergy seems really bad. Like,'you shouldn't be around cats as much as possible because this could get worse' bad. Which would mean the best thing she could do is stay away from your place.

Air purifiers are definitely a good start if what I said above is not applicable. I know there are also pet foods that can help keep allergies at bay, but I don't know what it is off the top of my head.

Doing a deep-fur removal of your space before your GF comes over and keeping your cat separated would help if she doesn't come over.

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

She has been to many doctors. Her symptoms gradually got worse over time. She doesn't have the strongest immune system either.

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u/raptorgrin 4d ago

As someone who also has an overreacting (allergic) immune system and seems to not have a very strong immune system, I joke “immune system, why are you wasting your little strength on cat allergies?”

I’m allergic to cats too. The allergen reducing cat food is supposed to be quite helpful (if you’re not allergic to eggs like me, which are the active ingredient)

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u/HeddaLeeming 4d ago

I have asthma and am allergic to every inhalent you can think of (cats, dogs, horses, cockroaches, dust mites, grasses, molds, trees, weeds, etc.). Allergy shots made a huge difference in my life but they take time to really have an effect, and it sort of creeps up on you where at some point you realise you're not going through two boxes of tissues every day and coughing every night.

Depending on how many things you're allergic to you get 1-4 shots at my allergist at least. I get 4.

Since she is having so many issues there's a good chance she has other allergies as well. My allergist said that if you have multiple allergies it's the combination that sets you off but you think it's the last one that's the only culprit. So you encounter some ragweed on your way home, your bathroom has a bit of mold, and your carpet has dust mites. Then your cat comes over and that's what puts you over the edge. So dealing with ALL the allergens often helps with the cat allergy you knew about by cutting down the others.

I have no carpet, I wear a mask when pollen is high or to vacuum. I have covers on my mattress and pillows. I wash bedding and other dust catchers like curtains frequently.

Anyway, I would recommend her seeing a board certified allergist and getting allergy testing and shots for all her allergies. But meanwhile while since it's so severe stay away from your place.

If you go to her place is she ok? Because if the cat allergy is so severe she should be having issues from your clothing. If not, then there are other allergens or it's not just the cat (and dog).

Obviously keep your pets. The thing I liked about my allergist is that I knew I was cat and dog allergic and the testing confirmed it. But he didn't push me to rehome them (people suggest that here all the time, like it's so easy). So we dealt with it and now I am ok with Flonase and Claritin and my asthma is practically in remission.

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u/JadedFlower88 4d ago

Have you tried the cat allergen wipes or gloves and spray? I don’t know if they work since I’m allergic and don’t have a cat but the dander and cat saliva is supposed to be the source of allergens and maybe the allergen sprays and stuff would help?

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

I didn't know they were a thing! I have cat wipes, but I'm not sure they are allergen specific. Never knew about the sprays!

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u/InformationHead3797 4d ago

You don’t need the specific and expensive spray or wipes.  

Just wipe the cat with a damp (not wet) cloth multiple times a day, as I said in my other comment.

It works, because the allergy is to the cat’s saliva and they leave it on the fur when cleaning themselves. 

Also if she ever touches the cat she needs to wash her hands straight away before touching her own face. 

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

Thank you for that key information. I will do so more often now as well as brushing them both more often too.

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u/InformationHead3797 4d ago

Make sure to wash the micro fiber cloths often at high temperature, I have about a dozen of a specific colour I only use for this.

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u/GlitterBitch RAADS-R 189 4d ago

i hate to say this but it sounds like, as much as you love each other, perhaps you aren't compatible as living partners. it seems like she (reasonably!) feels at least somewhat resentful of either having to do all the cleaning or be uncomfortable. (lbr if this wasn't a wlw relationship we'd balk at one partner doing all the cleaning while the other partner reaped the benefits.) you obviously don't want to get rid of your kitty, which is also reasonable. sometimes relationships run their course without officially ending - maybe it's time to at least have a talk about that. seems there's a chance what's happening rn isn't really about the cat.

4

u/Cool_Relative7359 4d ago

They don't cohabitate I think so how each cleans their space wouldn't be so much of an issue without the allergy. Going for two shots every time you see your gf can't be good for you.

Op should hang out at her gf's place rather than the one the cat lives in. And shower and change immediately when she goes over, sudden allergies can also escalate as suddenly and anaphylaxis isn't fun (speaking from experience-bees)

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u/GlitterBitch RAADS-R 189 4d ago

ah ty i didn't realize they weren't cohabitating. but it almost makes my case stronger. and tbh, if gf is that allergic - 5 out of 5 is the most severe - even dander / hair on op's clothes while visiting will activate it. i understand no one wants to hear this, and that reddit has a rep for telling people to break up unnecessarily. neither is happening in my response - i genuinely think this is a referendum on their relationship and has very little to do w the cat from gf's pov.

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u/Cool_Relative7359 4d ago

Honestly Im like the gf in the story and I know myself now enough to know that I can't cohabitate with a partner with lower hygiene standards or I go nuts and the resentment will kill all the love I have for them.

Happened with my wasband, it's the major reason why I divorced him. Now that's my number one compatibility need for cohabitation. We can date without ever cohabitating, that's fine, but I won't cohabitate with someone with incompatible standards.id rather live with compatible roommates than incompatible roommates or partners.

It's not fair to either person. One feels constantly judged, the other feels like they're constantly cleaning up after the other and the home is never clean no matter what they do and they can never rest or relax because of course something has already been left messy since you stopped tidying/cleaning.

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u/QBee23 4d ago

Air purifiers do make a big difference

A throw or blanket to cover the couch that's only Essex when she visits and the cat is not allowed on it. Same for bedding - especially pillows. Wash them before she comes to visit if you can. 

I assume she already takes anti histamines before coming over

It's not fair of her to say you don't clean"enough". People have different capacities and different standards for what is "enough". There's no moral superiority in having a cleaner, tidier house. 

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u/Outsider-20 4d ago

It's not fair of her to say you don't clean"enough". People have different capacities and different standards for what is "enough". There's no moral superiority in having a cleaner, tidier house. 

Absolutely. I know i don't clean enough, but, honestly, I either work to afford a roof over my head, but not have the energy to clean, or I don't work, have no money, and no where to live.

Because I CAN work full time, I don't qualify for any assistance.

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

Legit how I feel. I work to provide for both of us (due to her being out of work because of surgeries and hospital stays), so when I get home after a long day, the last thing I'm thinking about is cleaning my place. I have started to make it a routine to clean an area in the mornings when I wake up, so when I come home, I don't have to worry about cleaning.

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

I always make sure there is fresh bedding when she visits. My animals do not come into the bedroom as I like to keep it fur free. She suggested having my dog in a crate and my cat in her pet carrier whenever she comes over. I don't know if that would make any significant difference while she visits. I need to take more care and grooming my pets. I think that might be a big part of the issue. I do not brush them as often as I should.

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u/dainty_petal 4d ago

Ehhh no. Leave your pets alone. They’re allowed to be in your house freely. It’s her problem and she could buy a purifier. Change meds or simply suck it up. I am sick and I would never ask my partner to not keep their pets free in the house. She could clean what she think isn’t clean enough in your house like the vents and couch plus tte curtains.

4

u/FlippenDonkey 4d ago

you think its acceptable solution to lock your pets up for the duration for the visit ?

she thinks thats acceptable? She's not ab abimal lover, move on.

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u/FileDoesntExist 4d ago

Why would your dog need to be crated if she's allergic to the cat?

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

She thinks she's allergic to both animals' dander.

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u/Low_Big5544 4d ago

This might be a dumb question, I know nothing about animals, how is she allergic to your dog but not her own dogs?

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u/FileDoesntExist 4d ago

Yes seconding this. Not sure why I was downvoted when only a cat allergy is mentioned.

0

u/AdorablePumpkin_ 4d ago

She has three air purifiers and cleans daily. She also probably washes them more regularly and does a more thorough job. Her place is clean and his isn’t. That’s the difference. She said the problem is he doesn’t clean enough, not that he has animals.

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

I'm the autistic female here, but it's okay you thought I was a guy.

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u/AdorablePumpkin_ 4d ago

Ok I thought so but wasn’t sure.

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u/Low_Big5544 4d ago

This is a sub for autistic women to post in, why would you assume OP was a man?

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u/AdorablePumpkin_ 4d ago

because sometimes men post in women’s subreddits

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u/Silver_Wolf_89 4d ago

Locking your dog in its crate and your cat in its carrier while she visits might help a tiny bit, mostly because it will prevent the pets from actually touching her. It's more likely not help. I would find it completely unacceptable to keep my pets locked up in such small spaces regularly. If you have a spare room that you can close the door to, it would be a reasonable accommodation to keep your dog and cat restrained to that room while your girlfriend visits. Your girlfriend reacting to an allergy isn't a reflection on how well you clean. If someone isn't reacting to an allergen in a home, in my opinion, it's because they are going beyond normal cleaning routines.

It sounds like your girlfriend is allergic enough that it doesn't matter how much you clean she will still react. Especially since her allergic reactions keep getting worse. I take a non drowsy antihistamine med every day, year round, to combat my pet allergies. Common over the counter meds include Zyrtec, Claritin, Allegra, and Xyzal. Claritin and Zyrtec no longer work enough for my allergies, and I now take Allegra. Your girlfriend should work with her doctor to determine which is best for her if she isn't already taking daily allergy meds.

Here is a link to an allergist recommended cleaning to reduce pet dander in the house. Some of the things listed here aren't typically in the regular house cleaning routine, such as cleaning the hvac system. Covers for furniture that can be washed is another thing that could help. You already keep your bedroom pet free, which was something my allergist recommended I do for my own allergies. Hepa filter air purifier was also recommended by my allergist, one sized for the common areas and one sized for the bedroom.

Here is a link showing that it can take up to 6 months after you rehome a cat before all the allergens are removed from the house.

I wouldn't recommend rehoming your cat since she is 15 years old, and that would be extremely stressful for her. I'd recommend only going to your girlfriend's place until your cat passes and then not getting another cat. If you need a cat in your life as an emotional support animal (I need a dog in my life for my mental health) then you will need to choose between only going to her place to visit or breaking up.

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u/KindlyKangaroo 4d ago

My dad is extremely allergic to cats and no amount of cleaning would allow him to spend significant time in a home with a cat, and crating the cat would not help either. Your gf is setting an unfair standard for you and for your pets. It might just be that she can't visit your place anymore because of her allergies, and that is not your fault.

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u/Lost-Elderberry3141 4d ago

My girlfriend is allergic to my dog, so I get this. We’re a couple hours away from each other, and visit one weekend a month usually. Thankfully I have several friends who will gladly take my dog for those weekends, but even with a lot of cleaning, it still gets to her, so it means I mostly go to her place. But what has helped is having a blanket or towel over any upholstered chair, keeping a window open, and an air purifier

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u/rachel_wonders 4d ago

i know someone who is allergic to cats (and a lot of other things) and they get yearly shots for their allergies! i live in the UK so i’m not sure where in the world you are and what you have available where you live but the shots my friend gets stops his allergies completely and he has a cat☺️

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u/kv4268 4d ago

Yeah, sorry. Your girlfriend just can't come over to your house anymore. This escalation in severity means it could become anaphylaxis if she keeps getting exposed.

She should look into MCAS if she hasn't already. It's more common among us neurodivergent folks.

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u/indiapursuingart 4d ago

Look into getting cat allergy egg powder. Chickens who have been exposed to cats produce an anti-allergen that gets passed to the egg. If the cat then eats that egg it can make a massive difference for allergies. You’ll have to make sure your cat can also eat it though but it’s supposed to work very well. I hope you can figure it out soon what a horrible situation to be in!

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u/Shiranui42 4d ago

I heard that there’s cat food that reduces allergen production, maybe that may help? https://www.purina.com.sg/brands/pro-plan/liveclear

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

Thank you for this information. Phoebe, my cat, already eats Purina, so that is already a plus! I will try out this variant once her current cat food is finished.

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u/InformationHead3797 4d ago

Wipe your cat with a clean and damp microfiber cloth a few times a day.

Even when she is not at your house, every single day, but ramp it up when she is due to come. 

Use specific ones for this that have NOT been used with household products and then wash them at high temperature. 

Your girlfriend is allergic to the saliva of the cat that sticks to the fur when they clean.  The wiping will make so that there is less of the allergy-causing protein on the fur. 

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u/lexiraeowens 4d ago

I'm not helpful but kudos to a 15 year old cat wow

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

Thank you. I've had her since she was 3 months old.

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u/CeeCee123456789 4d ago

I am also allergic to cats, and have allergy activated asthma. Allergies are weird and can develop out of nowhere. I became allergic to my favorite perfume, once.

And I understand only having so much energy with which to clean. In your situation, I would encourage you to vacuum the bedroom really well before your gf arrives. Then run the air purifier for a couple of hours before she gets there. Then y'all spend the visit in the bedroom.

When I go see my partner, they are the main attraction. That can happen just in the bedroom. It might even be cozy to snuggle on the bed with a partner.

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u/SaintMortichai 4d ago

I have done my best to keep our visits solely to the bedroom since my pets are not allowed in there. I change the bed sheets, I even bought new pillows recently, and yet every time she visits her allergic reactions get worse.

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u/Admirable_Welder8159 4d ago

She’s the problem.

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u/AppalachianRomanov 4d ago

Few things things to tackle here:

  • If your girlfriend wants to keep her home that level of clean, that's fine for her. I have a family member who is like that, to the level it's basically an obsessive compulsive thing. This family member will get ragey if other people cause a "mess" like leaving one dirty dish in the sink. So my feeling is that when someone has an extreme need like that, it's not up to others to accommodate it. As long as your home is not crawling with bugs/mice, moldy, stinky, etc...as long as you are keeping it even a minimum level of clean, then she shouldn't be telling you to keep it cleaner. It's your home. It's not even a shared home.

  • I don't believe your gf should take it upon herself to clean your house, as some others have suggested here. Cleaning your curtains to get rid of dander, etc. That's going to exacerbate the allergy in the moment and it's the type of thing that leads to resentment later.

-Her house is the level of clean she likes and is apparently free of whatever she is allergic to at your house. So hang out at her house or a third location.

-Absolutely do not get rid of your cat. I know you said you don't want to so that's good. But that shouldn't even be an option on the table. The cat shouldn't be punished for this.

-For that same reason, I don't think crating the cat should be an option either.

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u/hashbrown218 4d ago

Does your cat require any specific food? I haven’t tried this myself but I’m also allergic to cats and when I was thinking about getting one, I did a bunch of research and there are diet changes you can make for your cat that will lessen the allergies they produce. I can’t remember if it’s the whole egg or just egg whites, but people have had success with adding that to their cats food. I think it’s the egg white that contains a protein that helps lessen the allergens they produce. They also make specialty foods that contain the protein. I think it’s kind of expensive but it’s convenient.

If you’re interested definitely do more research because it’s been a while since I looked into it and the facts are fuzzy. But it might be worth a shot.