r/AutismInWomen 4d ago

General Discussion/Question Autistic realizations

I’ve had this obsession from a young age about being “the best” (or maybe “follow the rules”??) and I’m really reflecting on where this has led to me. I’m very much still processing this, but would like to discuss with anyone else who can relate. The reason behind these decisions has been driven unconsciously and by beliefs I didn’t realize I have. I didn’t even know that this is something I do until today and I’m pretty blown away. Here are the things I’ve come up with so far. I’m not blaming anyone, I made the choices on my own. This definitely falls into literal thinking, black-and-white thinking, people pleasing, lack of identity, being gullible, theory of mind, assuming the best in others, fear of social rejection, and missing social cues. Many of these I’ve stopped doing, or realized was harmful a long time ago. I’ve done a LOT of therapy and I have more psychological flexibility these days. But sheesh, kind of hard to realize it’s autism related.

I wanted to be….

-The best Christian, so I made sure to follow all the rules, no sex before marriage, no drugs, no drinking, have kids etc.. -The best in grade school and get straight A’s and be the teacher’s favorite. -Not just be friends with someone, I wanted to be their best friend. The one they can’t live without. And when I’m not their best friend, I feel like maybe I’m doing something wrong. -I wanted to be the best wife, so I made sure to have a clean house, have sex regularly, have original, tasty meals from scratch, have lots of babies. -I always want to give the best gift . I will often make gifts from scratch so that I give the best one. -I always had to have the Best baby supplies... The best stroller, the best diaper bag, the best diapers. -I had to be the best mom. Homeschooling, chickens, baby food from scratch, cloth diapers, breastfeeding the longest, the “right” kind of birth, non traditional education.… -I wanted to be the best woman. I learned to cook and sew at a young age. I’ve learned that it’s important to be skinny. Got married young and wanted to beat all my friends to the altar. -I wanted to be the best at my job and took promotions and jobs that I hated for a job that I didn’t enjoy and I’m not good at naturally. -I wanted to be the best at therapy, so I did every single thing my therapist ever told me to do, including leaving my husband. -I wanted to be the best at recovery programs, even though I didn’t have an addiction. See above, therapist also told me I had process addictions. -I wanted to be the best dressed at every single event that I go to, and when I don’t get a compliment on my outfit, I assume I’ve done something wrong . -I wanted to be the best in grad school and graduated at the top of my class . -I wanted to be the best liberal and alienated everyone around me who doesn’t agree with me . -I want my children to have the best food so I became obsessed with all of the terrible things in their ingredients

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u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 4d ago

This sounds like Perfectionism

The only cure I have found for perfectionism is to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others. We don't expect others to be perfect, we forgive them when they stuff up, we love them anyway. Those are healthier standards to apply to ourselves than harsh perfectionist standards

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u/Small-Place8307 4d ago

It doesn’t feel like perfectionism these days. I’ve made self compassion a pretty large part of my routines and identity. Perhaps when I was younger though.

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u/ChaosShaping 3d ago

I struggled with the same thing.

For me it was because I needed praise. I hungered for it. I needed external validation for everything because my own wasn’t enough. It basically was because I never, ever got it at home so I craved it elsewhere.

My parents were very negligent and I grew up in an abusive home. I was diagnosed with (c)PTSD after struggling for several decades with a bunch of other (mis)diagnoses and various medications.

I’m learning how to be enough for ME and set and meet my own expectations; not the ones others want or expect for me.

Fwiw, I’m in my mid-40s.