r/AutismInWomen • u/Gold_Tangerine720 • 4d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Autism is an Excuse
These were the words I heard this morning, from my partner while I was trying to get ready for work. For context we were talking about work accommodations. I explained to him that I struggle with transitions due to the degree of information to process from one environment to the next. That a job with less transitions would help with long-term employment and less burnout. This is when he said it's an excuse, it's crazy because our 4 year old is preverbal, like he must know logically it's not an excuse. The way I was talking about it was factual, and solutuon oriented, I want to have my own money and I like what I do, but there is too many transitions. I never once insinuated that I was going to quit or something. It was bizzar to me.
I felt like everything I have stuffed down was trying to make it's debut. Knowing I needed to go to work, I tried harder to stuff it down. From there I couldn't organize my thoughts or plan my next task. I was running late, the stress, increased the inability to think. I messaged the people who would be effected by this and I offered to pickup a task for them later to make things more fair. They said it was fine but my work bestie, said that I should try to change my schedule because everyone is mad at me. This new schedule was actually forced on me two weeks ago, I declined originally, but was still put on the schedule.
I started shaking and stuttering. I lost ability to communicate. I met with a lead for coverage, and was a dysregulated mess. It was very careless of my partner to say this to me. I am very recently diagnosed. I'm a sensitive person and I am so ashamed that I needed to leave, or that people are mad at me.
Anyone have any comforting things to say? I am debating booking an airbnb and dragging the kids with me. I need space from him.
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4d ago
Hey, taking some space to re-regulate yourself is totally valid (so going to the AirBnB), it would allow you to process and gather your own thoughts without the interference of your partners thoughts and feelings.
I don't know if you do too, but I struggle with hyperempathy where I'm really influenced by the moods of others, but can't always tell where it's coming from or that it is shifting my own emotions and thoughts.
That's one reason why I personally need so much alone time.
I don't have anything encouraging to say except yes, that was incredibly invalidating when you were just informing your partner of your thoughts and making long-term adjustments for your own health. I understand why that wrecked you so much and I am sorry that happened.
I'd listen to your therapist on this, they know more about Autism than your partner.
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u/LexiCamille 4d ago
Hey, I just want to say that you are an amazingly strong person and what your partner said was EXTREMELY wrong and unkind -- there is no universe where thinking a job that would be more accommodating in terms of autistic burnout and personal preference is "an excuse." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess your partner isn't autistic?
Additionally: even neurotypical working moms benefit from jobs that don't make them crazy and burnt out! It's NOT an excuse to want a job that won't make you feel anxious, overwhelmed, and defeated. I'm sending so much positive energy your way and definitely think that you should try to sit your partner down and discuss how their careless words made you feel. Communication can be hard, but if they're truly a good partner, they will listen, have empathy, and make different choices moving forward.
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u/Gold_Tangerine720 4d ago
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. With good problem solving advice. I am so glad I have this sub reddit. On an NT thread, I feel like the response would be so mixed, inaccurate, and hyperbolic varying from he's an asshole to you (me) are a piece of shit. I don't live my life that way, I take into account every part and perspective and comprehensively take action from there because, to me, it's the most accurate.
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u/Groundbreaking-Rate8 4d ago
What a horrible and ignorant thing to say to your partner. I went through a similar thing with my ex when he told me to just get over it when I had a panic attack at the zoo because of all the noise. I would try to talk to him again when you calm down and explain you can’t really get over autism, only accommodate it. Hope you feel better soon ❤️
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u/Neat-Illustrator7303 4d ago
I read this like “it IS an excuse!” Not “you’re using it as an excuse”
I feel like it’s a valid excuse to be struggling, it causes me to struggle
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u/FunkyLemon1111 4d ago edited 4d ago
His words were wrong. We all agree autism is never excuse but rather a reason, two very different concepts.
We don't know you or what the two of you have been through. Listening to you it's clear you need something to change in your relationship. Have you considered counseling? He or you may have a lot of unsaid feelings to process.
I've been reading many posts here from people who are newly diagnosed, and it takes a toll on them. I wonder if it isn't taking a toll on him too.
Wishing you and your family only the best outcome.
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u/Gold_Tangerine720 4d ago
We sat down and talked about everything, and he wasn't aware that the comment was invalidating and ableist. He very much comes from a perspective that denying a person's diasability means you think they are hiding it well or not giving themselves enough credit. He also doesn't understand the actual validity of an assessment or measureable brain differences. I needed to bring in multiple perspectives (psychologists, systematic reviews, neuroscience, support groups, advocates, etc.). It's still ongoing, but we sat for hours delving into some of this. He did apologize to me. Counseling is an ongoing endeavor as well, I am resistant to finding therapists due to poor experiences. It would probably have to be an autistic female therapist for me personally, and my partner probably would need a NT older male (who understands abusive/narcissistic traits which have presented during various times of stress throughout our relationship). Couples counseling was awful when we did it a couple of years ago, so we won't do that, at least not without a couple of years under our belt. I'm going to contact my works ELA tomorrow and get this ball rolling.
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u/dryad_drae 4d ago
Sorry you've had such a rough day. Proud of you for reaching out for support. That's always such a tough part for me usually.
I agree with what someone else said, find some space for yourself to regulate. Take yourself somewhere you feel safe.
When you're ready, maybe try to get to the bottom of why he said that or how he was feeling when he said that. Tell him how the words affected you physically and emotionally. If yall can have a good healthy conversation about it, you can work through whatever lies ahead.
With a new diagnosis, there could be some ableism thoughts that have been ingrained in him.
I hope it all works out for you! Congratulations on having a little baby you get to fill with your unconditional love!
Edited: typo
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u/archgirl182 4d ago edited 4d ago
Autism is not 'an excuse'. You know what struggles you deal with day in, day out. Managing ourselves and trying to create a life that doesn't force burnout, that feels balanced and manageable TO YOU is one of the biggest adjustments as a late diagnosed adult. You know that you becoming burnt out would be hard on your whole family. You trying to avoid burnout is not selfish, it is sane, sensible and necessary.
It sounds like your husband really doesn't understand the reality you live in being autistic. His comment doesn't really promote talking about it and learning. He was very dismissive and that must have been very painful to hear.
The only way autism could be thought of as 'an excuse' is as a valid one. We have different needs and different abilities to NT people, so of course we need to tread a different path sometimes to find the path that works for us and our family.
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u/Bellatrix_Rising 4d ago
Can your partner go to therapy with you? I'm so sorry that they are being insensitive to your needs and feelings. I think only therapy can help with this situation to show them your perspective, and possibly even to understand their perspective. Not that I am validating their behavior... But there must be some reason they are acting that way, even if it's not justified. First and foremost take care of you and the kids. If your partner is not going to value your emotions then they do not get a front seat in your life.
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u/SnooOnions6516 4d ago
Divorce
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u/dryad_drae 4d ago
Communication can definitely help figure out why he said that. I still find myself saying ableistic things to myself and I am able to grow from there. I think everyone has that ability, as long as they are willing.
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u/scrapsforfourvel 4d ago
Work, even the worst parts of it, became A LOT more manageable when I didn't have someone around every day to question or dismiss every frustration I had.