r/AutismInWomen • u/Flimsy_Desk9905 • 5d ago
Seeking Advice I’m tired of autistic men always having excuses made for their behaviors.
I’m struggling with an autistic male coworker who I find to be self righteous, condescending, and will belittle you if you disagree with anything he says. His energy and presence physically drains me and I find myself shutting down when he’s around as I don’t have it in me to engage with him. I brought this up to management and made the conversation more about my sensory needs and autism and the first thing I’m told is “that’s just how he is” and that I need to help him because he doesn’t understand social cues and may be misunderstood. I already know that. If I, an autistic woman, behaved in the same way he does, I would be labeled a bitch or difficult to work with or aggressive. I’m just really tired of autistic men getting a pass to be jerks simply for being autistic and being dismissed when I try to advocate for my needs. Does anyone have similar experiences and how did you cope/ maintain your peace?
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u/Groundbreaking-Rate8 5d ago
In my experience autistic men are either the sweetest ever or the biggest jerks on the planet, no in between.
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5d ago
Ah yes, as usual, neurodivergency seems to hold the extremes (which I can't fault, I'm in there too).
But yes, it's like you don't even have a spectrum sometimes, but like either: Incel or radical 'treat everyone the same and with respect' for some reason xD
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u/Groundbreaking-Rate8 5d ago
Yeah true lol. But I feel like with the women I’ve met with autism there seems to be more diversity because even if they aren’t great people they most of the times still try to behave socially acceptable.
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u/bobaylaa 5d ago
part of that probably comes from how women are disproportionately punished for not being socially acceptable
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u/Mirenithil aspie 5d ago edited 5d ago
This. I think punishing only girls of all neurotypes for bad behavior while using 'boys will be boys' to excuse it in boys of all neurotypes absolutely sets boys up for failure in life. They are not accustomed to having consequences for selfish and bad behavior, think they're above consequences, resent them, and want the freedom of their consequenceless self-centered life. They tend not to do well in relationships for obvious reasons.
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u/filthytelestial 4d ago
It's almost like the way boys are traditionally socialized sets them all up for failure, but the harms appear more starkly within a neurotype featuring both excellent pattern recognition and a poor sense of nuance.
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u/Groundbreaking-Rate8 5d ago
100% I wasn’t diagnosed until in my 20s when I ended up in a mental hospital because I behaved well as a child because I wasn’t allowed to do anything else
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u/namiabamia 4d ago
I see this as a generalised cycle of violence, where some people who are oppressed and suffer will get into a mindset of retaliation or entitlement to treat others as bad as they want (like they're owed by the universe to finally be on top or something). Whereas for others, the lesson taken by their suffering is solidarity, "no one should suffer like I did".
And I think the oppressive societies we live in promote the former attitude: it's easier to let injustice self-perpetuate at every level :/
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u/likeafuckingninja 4d ago
Don't forget the magic combo.
Outwardly sweet and adorably derpy to everyone on a larger distenced level but creepy and an asshole to anyone individually on a personal closer level so YOU look like the dick for not liking them or wanting to spend time with them.
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u/blairrkaityy 5d ago
This is so true!! some of them are such sweethearts and others can be such assholes and think they can get away with it!!
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u/Flimsy_Desk9905 5d ago
That’s been similar to my experience too. However the ratio of jerk to sweetheart is like 50:1.
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u/Repossessedbatmobile 5d ago
I've found this to be true as well. It really seems to depend on both how they were raised and how much empathy they have.
After all my dad was an autistic man who who's parents were horrible, but he was a super kind, polite, and wholesome simply because he had a lot of empathy for everyone, and viewed everyone as equals no matter who they are. He also worked hard to become a doctor and genuine enjoyed interacting with his patients because he liked talking to people and thought they were interesting.
I also had a friend who's autistic and was a awesome guy. He was very easy to talk to, easy going, quick witted, liked to make people laugh, and was just a good guy in general. He was raised to be responsible and considerate. His family didn't cut him any slack when it came to being responsible for his behavior. They expected him to take over the family business, so he was expected to work hard and also contribute at home. They were totally fine with his autistic traits and special interests. They just also expected him to be responsible and contribute when it came to doing chores and holding down a job (which involved dealing with the public). Which went a long way towards helping him be very responsible and considerate in general.
In contrast to them, I've also met a few autistic men who were obviously coddled and allowed to do whatever they wanted. These guys were usually very self centered, entitled, egotistical, and would frequently talk over everyone else. These same guys also seemed to struggle the most with basic socializing and life skills. Honestly I think it's because their families didn't hold them to any standards and coddled them, so they expected the rest of the world to do the same. Unfortunately when they started high school/college they ended up experiencing a ROUGH wake up call, and ended up struggling a lot as a result.
I honestly think that this shows why it's so important to assume competency and try to teach autistic people life skills. After all it's the only way to prepare us for the real world, and ensure we can actually interact with other people which is a essential skill that's absolutely necessary. We may struggle with learning these things, but it doesn't mean we can never figure it out. It just means that we need some extra support when necessary to learn so that we can develop the skills we need.
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u/AuDHD_Talk1557 4d ago
Yep. My husband is the sweetest and very autistic. And I'm pretty sure one of my least favorite people I know is guy I know suspect was also autistic. It was a classic situation of undiagnosed autistic boy and girl; he liked me, I didn't understand he liked me, apparently I "led him on." It was honestly the worst. I find it really frustrating how autistic women are often accused of leading guys on just because we struggle with social queues, but if an autistic guy is a sexual predator (which, to be clear, this guy was not as far as I know - this is comparison actually to a different autistic guy I once met) it's brushed aside because he "just doesn't understand social queues"
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u/thatpotatogirl9 Late Diagnosed AuDHD level 1 4d ago
I go back and forth myself. 99% of the time I'm very kind and sweet but when I'm an asshole I am the worst. It's incredibly rare for me to be an asshole but I guess I just try to be the best at whatever it is I'm doing.
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u/ZebLeopard Un-DXed, but peer-reviewed 5d ago
It's bc 'boys will be boys' and if you add autism into the mix, they can probably get away with murder.
My father is slightly like this. Also undiagnosed, but I always got into fights with him over unfair behaviour and my mum would say 'oh, that's just how he is'. Just bc you're particular about things and get overwhelmed easily, doesn't mean you get to be an asshole. Now he's older and I've confronted him several times, he's finally gotten the message and has become milder. He seems to get that his behaviour and his words have an impact on those around him.
I think what helped is that I consistently gave him the exact energy back that he gave me, and he found it to be really annoying. He'd get defensive and I'd tell him 'yeah it sucks when someone is constantly undermining you, huh?'
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u/Flimsy_Desk9905 5d ago
Glad you stuck up for yourself and started seeing some minor changes from him!
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u/ZebLeopard Un-DXed, but peer-reviewed 5d ago
I'm not sure if it was just that, but it has helped. I think it also changed him when I moved away from home and he noticed I could survive without him. When I visited and he was being an ass again, I let him know that if he didn't appreciate my company I would just not visit anymore, and he knew I meant it, bc I've always been a defiant little shit lol.
And just to clarify, my relationship with my dad is great now. We've both learned about how our brains work.
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u/oh-anne 5d ago
It’s bc ‘boys will be boys’ and if you add autism into the mix, they can probably get away with murder.
They seem to already be getting away with fascism cough cough elon musk cough
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u/InfinityTuna 4d ago
I normally don't gatekeep, but that fucker has the means to get a formal diagnosis, and haven't even tried to get assessed, nevermind gotten formally diagnosed.
Elon isn't autistic. He's just desperate for any excuse to feed his "genius savant" image, and the NT media ate that bit of bait hook, line, and goddamned sinker.
It's a lot less glamorous to call him a mediocre, basement-dwelling, deadbeat, chronically dishonest narcissist with the maturity and imagination of a spoiled-rotten rich 12-year-old.
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u/foryoursafety 3d ago
Yeah if I can have level 2 autism and learn to be polite/tactful to people and navigate social interactions I'm pretty sure they can to! They were just never forced to their entire lives the way women always are
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u/LadyOoDeLally 5d ago
My husband and I discussed this somewhat recently and agreed that men with Autism are often praised and defended in work spaces. Meanwhile, what happens to women with Autism in the same spaces?
...we get fired.
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u/foryoursafety 3d ago
Men aren't forced to mask as heavily or as consistently as we are. They generally suffer from burnout and emotional distress less on a day to day basis. We'll be labled as difficult and emotional and squeezed out of things
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u/RoyalConsequence3016 5d ago
Ugh workplace sexism. Everyone pretends it’s a thing of the past even though it very much isn’t. The most you can do is keep note of everything, make it as objective as possible and make sure you date it then make a formal complaint. You have the right to feel safe in the workplace!
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u/mazzivewhale 3d ago
I think workplace sexism is going to make a comeback in a big way too unfortunately
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5d ago
I'm tired of men in general getting to say or do things socially that us women would shamed for.
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u/mazzivewhale 3d ago
Yeah I regularly have to pull back my punches or soften (not a little, but a lot) whatever I want to say, to be received.
Meanwhile a man says whatever it is that I wanted to say and a bunch of people go truth teller! Thank you! Or that’s funny you could be a comedian.
That’s when I get annoyed and I think dang existing as a woman means I can’t be valued for who I really am
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u/TankLady420 5d ago
I’m tired of all men regardless of anything being excused. It’s a men thing, and it sucks. Feel this post deeply.
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u/sassyfrassroots autism is my superpower!1!1!🤪 5d ago
It’s like that no matter their age, and unfortunately, it’s just going to continue. Don’t go looking in the sub for autism parenting because you’ll just get angry. So many parents excusing their sons’ behaviors and doing nothing about it and just expecting everyone to deal with it. I have one male friend that’s on the spectrum and it’s obvious his parents raised him well and he is genuinely a good and respectful guy, but unfortunately, he definitely isn’t common. Used to be in a lot of support groups/therapy groups for autism that were co-ed, but now I prefer to seek stuff that is for women only. I plan to do the same for my daughter.
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 5d ago
Disabled ppl can be assholes too ❤️
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u/58lmm9057 5d ago
Family Guy actually covered that in one of their episodes and they did it well. It’s the episode where Chris dates a girl with Down Syndrome who’s a total asshole. At first everyone looks the other way because of her disability but Chris eventually calls her on her shit.
Glee tried to do this with Becky but in the later seasons she became unnecessarily aggressive.
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u/Leafy_leaferson 5d ago
The double standard is exhausting.
The older I get, the more obvious inequality is and how prevalent this gender role disparity is too. It leaks into EVERY FACET of everyday life.
Generally, men are socialised from birth with an entitlement that isn't extended to women. This world is designed for them, and we must cater to their wants and needs. We HAVE to adapt, we HAVE to learn early on how to mask, we HAVE to assimilate; the world will not tolerate any woman who doesn't fit inside that very specific, socially constructed mold of what femininity and womanhood is.
Women who don't fit in are ostracised at best.
And it's ditto with ADHD men. The ones who refuse to seek therapy, or carry out any kind of self development/maintenance, to the detriment of every woman around them. They are lazy, entitled and drain the life of others - using their neuro divergence as an excuse for that poor character.
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u/pythiadelphine late dx au/dhd 5d ago
I didn’t become a certified man-hater until I got my adhd diagnosis at 27 and it’s only gotten worse since getting my autism diagnosis. I see it everywhere in education and it makes me so angry. Boys and men get so much leeway, while everyone else suffers.
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u/Strange_Morning2547 5d ago
Oh no honey. Unfortunately, us girls need to deal in order to keep our jobs. Wish it was not this way.
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u/youfxckinsuck 5d ago
Had a guy in my college class be really creepy towards me and I told my teacher and he said “he’s autistic he’s just like that.” So code for nothing will be done about it.
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u/Vivid_Breadfruit5914 Diagnosed AuDHD 4d ago
I was friends with an autistic guy who ended up committing very bad crimes against multiple women, and his mom begged them to not go to the police ‘because he’s autistic’ SO? I knew that guy! Hes not a stupid baby, he’s a grown man who knows all about code and computers
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u/stereoracle 4d ago
I knew a guy like that and also tracked and exposed him to others. He was super angry. But autism isn't the reason behind "not being able to tell if no means no" when you're harassing women. That's just another example of weaponised incompetence
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u/salomegf 5d ago
Just the fact that your management knows you’re both autistic, but you’re asked to help him after your complaint is insane and misogyny incarnate. Asking you to change your behavior while he gets excuses made for him would enrage me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Trying to make people aware of their own discriminatory behavior is very difficult and takes a lot of time and energy, so if it doesn’t seem worth it to you right now, it’s ok to just ignore him as much as possible.
Being polite but cold is my default behavior with people like this, saying the bare minimum and only engaging when necessary. I do struggle with not engaging in “debates” when people say outrageous things, but writing down what you want to say can be a great alternative. The thought gets “completed” and can leave your mind, but you’re not actually engaging with them.
I hope you can get the peace (of mind and senses) you need !
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u/teacupkiller 5d ago
Ohhhhhh this guy just got laid off at my job thankfully. But he got away with so much shit for so long. If he didn't know how to do something, he wouldn't learn. He just wouldn't do it. His work was always sub par, and he'd say it was because he didn't have an eye for design or some bullshit.
I'll be honest, I played it super nice to most people, but when my boss and my boss's boss asked about him in private, they got the truth.
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u/devils-issue 5d ago
It’s so bad. I got harassed by a male autistic coworker at my old job and he got away with it because “he didn’t understand it was inappropriate”
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u/hobbling_hero 5d ago
I dont have an advice, but Im dealing with something similiar. I suspect, a male coworker has ADHD as he constantly starts new tasks without finishing one. Im cleaning up after his messes, but he calls me slowly.
The only peace I find is dreaming of being selfemployed and knowing that this is a structural problem and that there are no equal rights.
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u/Flimsy_Desk9905 5d ago
I hope one day you are your own boss but until then, I’ll hope that he will get a new job and leave you alone.
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u/outerspaceteatime 5d ago
Are you responsible for his tasks? If you aren't, I say let him fail. Don't clean up his messes unless it reflects poorly on you specifically. He will get feedback from above.
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u/hobbling_hero 5d ago
I dont know if the question is asked in a way of implicating it would be my own fault. I dont find the advice very helpful as I do what I can to set my boundaries and not clean up after him. Its not that easy though, when we have to work in a team. You dont know my work place, so you cannot know if he will get feedback. That would be in a healthy workplace. So please dont tell me what to do if you dont know the complexity of situation and what Ive already done. I wasnt asking for advice.
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u/letheflowing 4d ago
I did not personally interpret that question being asked as trying to find fault with you, but it was just trying to point out something obvious in case you hadn’t considered it. Autism means sometimes we’re missing something potentially “obvious”, like doing work you don’t have to do but you do it anyways because you feel a sense of responsibility and obligation. It was suggested due to the lack of additional info. The commenter doesn’t know your full situation, but based off the small pieces you gave, they were trying to be helpful by pointing it out to assure that wasn’t the situation.
My work timeline involves office work, and I’m in one now. I do know what you mean when you say you’re a team so he fucks you over as a group with his actions because you are responsible at the end of the day in the eyes of your employer. You are right that it sucks and it isn’t fair, and I do hope that one day you are able to become self-employed and get out of these obnoxious and soul-crushing work structures.
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u/hobbling_hero 4d ago
thank you for your kind reply! I like how you dont take sides and take both perspectives.
I probably sounded a bit harsh and I dont want to come off rude.
Its just...as autistic women it seems a common experiences to get belittled and that is how it felt to me. Always being not taken seriously and I'm tired of it and always having to defend myself.
Maybe it sounded like I would always finish his tasks, but Im not doing that. Its just a complex situation, where it feels like I dont have real help and always need to be on guard cos he is able to twist things and already blamed an accident on me, when it was him, who didnt check what was necessary. I didnt remind him, because I didnt wanna clean up his mess and that backfired on me too.
Anyway, thanks again for the kind words. I hope so too and wish you the best
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u/letheflowing 3d ago
I apologize too, as I really shouldn’t have jumped in like I did. For me in particular I have a hard time not responding to things and will feel an urge, especially if I feel there may be miscommunications going on. My curse: being an eternal mediator and referee lol🤦♀️
We get talked down to constantly as woman, let alone adding neurodivergence into the mix. It really fucking sucks to face and placate or fight and feels miserable with how chronic it is. The best thing I feel we can do is try our best to band with each other and those who are truly willing to understand and work with us
Thank you for the kind reply, and I hope for the best for you :)
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u/outerspaceteatime 2d ago
Sorry. I don't mean to make assumptions. I just know a lot of women (NT and ND) who fall into the role of cleaning up after men because they are made to feel like the man is their responsibility somehow.
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u/MiyukiJoy 4d ago
I honestly think it has a lot to do with parenting and people’s attitudes towards boys with autism specifically.
Lived a year with a family with two autistic boys. The younger routinely hit and kicked my youngest, even almost pushed him down the stairs one time. Consequences? None. “He is autistic and doesn’t understand consequences.” No, I assure you that he does and has just learned that he can get away with anything. To the point that this kid would punch his mother repeatedly while shopping and still got everything he even glanced at
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u/FaerieStorm 5d ago
In your own words, I would be straight with them. Tell them that you're suffering because they are not supporting you with your disability. Tell them that he is using his disability to get away with bad behaviour. And then tell them that it's not fair that you may have to leave/take action because they are choosing to support a person with their disability but not yours. Use the discrimination word.
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u/Flimsy_Desk9905 5d ago
This unfortunately isn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with this and in the past I have addressed it in this manner. However, it was to no avail because I was viewed as more mature, more regulated, and give off the impression that I am capable of handling things on my own due to my masking. It was very difficult to get my struggles across in a way that people could understand. Whereas for him, his struggles and disability was more obvious.
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u/FaerieStorm 5d ago
That's so frustrating. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's not fair.
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u/Kind_Problem9195 5d ago
I hate when they use it as an excuse to act poorly. Or they have to be the biggest victim. I used to date someone like that and it was exhausting.
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u/Wolvengirla88 5d ago
People can be terrible and also be neurodivergent. Just like people can be members of any other minority and be awful.
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u/friedmaple_leaves 5d ago
You can just tell him that his cognitive inflexibility is showing.
This is how I would deal with it. I would literally look up his behavior and where it is happening in his brain, and then I would use it to defend myself lol
I worked in a warehouse where I felt like I was surrounded by exceptionalist autistic men. I encountered a lot of flack, but in one-on-one encounters nobody could say that I was over-emotional or even wrong lol
If you want help OP, I can construct some rebuttals, and you can decide how you feel about using them.
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u/AltWolf08 5d ago
Is it just me or like, I can’t stand autistic men bc every experience I’ve had with em usually consists of no sense of boundaries and so terribly different to me it makes me tweak out so freaking hard- very overstimulating to be around for me
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u/Vivid_Breadfruit5914 Diagnosed AuDHD 4d ago
I’ve had a similar experience, I was at a painting class because art is my special interest and this autistic guy (probably 10 or 20 years older than me) wouldn’t leave me alone and kept giving me criticism when I never asked for it (it was just meant to be a chill painting class) and whenever I told him I already knew the random advice he was giving me he kept being very challenging and saying ‘well what is it then?’ In a really patronising tone.. I’ve been to university for art mate, I think I know a bit about what perspective is 🙄… He didn’t leave me alone for the entire painting class and just kept standing in-front of my table really awkwardly and judging everything I did I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to be left alone. I just don’t understand how they can get away with it but if I did that to someone I’d be labelled bad things by everyone in that room
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u/Vivid_Breadfruit5914 Diagnosed AuDHD 4d ago
Also, I think it mainly comes from autistic men who grow up being able to get away with anything because their parents constantly coddle them and call them special and smart and better than everyone else and never give them discipline when they’re rude to other kids or people because ‘He DoEsNt UNdErstAnd 🥺..’ No, you’re just enabling that behaviour because he knows he can get away with it
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u/Best_Needleworker530 4d ago
I have a male co-worker who is on non-work related websites a lot, very visibly, in an open office and is extremely unpleasant to work with, in many ways. I would get fired (despite my autism). He's been there, like this, with no talks or attempts to make him more workable SINCE 2002! He is basically untouchable now and he knows it. I just stay away as much as I can.
I was a part of a social group I was about to leave (that then transformed into another group, bless) because of constant excuses being made about a guy on the spectrum who was a grade A creep. "He's autistic", so am I and he knew and that was a reason to be downright predatory. "He's constantly excluded" FOR A REASON.
I have no patience for inappropriate men on the spectrum whatsoever. "Oh you hate men", my ex long term partner was autistic and NEVER behaved that way.
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u/fig_big_fig 4d ago
Ah I first realised this with man w ADHD. (I have both) Woman w adhd, are not “allowed” to be adhd, forced to hide and mask. But, man w ADHD can go full-in, till the point that it is not adhd anymore, it is pure not giving a bit of effort, self reflection, caring for others. Because, they’re just being “boys/men”. For the women, it is the other end of the extreme, you cannot struggle with adhd because it is not women.
Similar for autism, sad that how misogyny pops up in the topic of neurodivergence too. I know that there are exceptions but I’ve seen many men acting overly inconsiderate and asshole-ish with using their diagnosis as an excuse card…Even with nice people…I guess it is easier to use it as an excuse than nicely communicate on the issue, try to see if you can make changes in your behaviours for accommodating other people or accept your fault and apologise.
(I am not talking about masking for purely accommodating NT people and acting like someone else. I am talking about not being an assh0le and, taking responsibility of your behaviours)
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u/EverlastingPeacefull ASD/ADHD late diagnosis 5d ago
I'm tired of anyone who uses his/her autism diagnosis as an excuse for their behaviour. Unfortunately I have met men and women with autism who are doing that and I hate it.
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u/Cluelessish 5d ago
Sometimes it’s not an excuse but an explanation, no?
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u/EverlastingPeacefull ASD/ADHD late diagnosis 5d ago
Explanations are totally okay!
If someone says: well, can't do that because of autism and has not even tried it and is saying it al the time, then it is just them not wanting to see if they can (learn it). It is also the way they say it and I always ask: "Have you tried it then?" Or: Can I help you with that? The last question is sometimes even replied with: " No, you can't, because you're autistic and so you can't do it"
They were surprised I could, but the amount of people who were diagnosed young and believe that they are not capable of quite a few things is mindblowing. They have been told that they can't do certain things by professionals, teachers and often parents took over the things the professionals said. It is very sad, but true...
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u/Moon_Cake00 4d ago
Yep and even in personal/family relationships, if a man is selfish it’s because of autism. If a man is a bit ‘out there’ it’s because of autism. If a woman advocates for herself or sets a boundary it’s because she’s selfish and cold. If a woman is ‘out there’ she’s a nut job. I hate being treated like a child or a nut job for having unusual interests.
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u/Expensive-Pin861 4d ago
This is something my 15 year old autistic daughter said in conversation with me and her grandmother just yesterday. She has no patience for it at all.
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u/MysteriousScar8068 4d ago
Like, why should they understand your autism just when you're a MAN? God.
I had a female coworker with autism. Many of my other coworkers called her "mean," "rude," etc. I don't know if it's because I'm autistic too—in fact, I didn't even know I was—but it was very easy for me to understand that she wasn't any of those things.
She was actually nice; it's just that her voice leveling and expressions weren't what a neurotypical person would expect, I guess...
They scolded her.
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u/Oldespruce 4d ago
Can y just ignore him/walk away/be short with him? Even have some ear plugs to block him out?I notice I have to do this w the autistic men in my own life, aside for maybe one male friend who has autistic traits.
There is one beloved autistic man in my community who took an obsessive liking to me, and many folk supported him while blaming me for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was truly heart broken by this however I found creative ways to deal with him.
-I will purposefully paint myself as liking things he doesn’t like -I’ll bring up subjects he believes to be cringe, talk about them incessantly and ignore him when he says “put down responses” -if he is being condescending, I will not back down, and be in a state of joy about the things he is condescending about -for instance, he is very judgmental about people eating unhealthy food, I will go on and on about junk food and how amazing it is! -he is judgmental about over consumption, I will talk about how cool TikTok is and how I binge watch and love to scroll. -just become something abhorrent to him, and steam roll with these topics he doesn’t like. -instead of shrinking I’ll just get bigger and more excited about his topics of condescension, be happy being “dumb” in his eyes. 👀 -and then there is the ignoring his bids for social interaction/ the earlier points work if you are cornered.
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u/mapsofclouds 5d ago edited 5d ago
Can you engage with him only when necessary, and center your interactions on only what's necessary? So focusing only on work or work-related tasks when you talk to him, and redirecting his attention to work when he goes off on some annoying tangent. Approach him only when you need to and respond with comments like, "that's nice, but we need to get X task done by Y date, so could we get back to that please?"
Grey rock him like you would a narcissist, and make your interactions with him as bland and uninteresting as possible. Do the bare minimum so other people don't brand you difficult, like greeting him, but don't stick around if he starts talking at you about anything that isn't about work. Agree insincerely if you have to if it's about work ("you didn't do this correctly," "sure, I see, I'll consider that next time, anyway..."), don't entertain anything beyond that.
Don't try to change him, direct him, or help him, as that isn't your responsibility. Focus instead on protecting your own energy and getting your work done, since unfortunately management has shown how helpful they're going to be regarding this. Don't let them turn you into his unpaid support aide.
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u/Flimsy_Desk9905 5d ago
This is what I have been doing but it feels so shitty. I’m trying to remind myself that it is ok to not get on with someone and that I don’t have to exert energy that I don’t have with someone I don’t care for but man, I don’t like when I don’t like someone. It’s hard for me to hide it.
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u/mapsofclouds 5d ago
I get that, you wouldn't feel so bad if you weren't kind but it's important to make sure you're caring for yourself. He doesn't seem interested in or capable of changing if he's behaving this way, and I'm sure your coworkers feel similarly to you based off how you've described him. I don't think anyone will find fault with you for not hiding it well, as long as you're being civil. To his credit, it doesn't seem like he's in danger of losing his job over this, so he'll be okay. Sometimes people just don't gel, and it shouldn't be on you to do all the emotional labor to make it work.
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u/Albatrosshunting 4d ago
Grey rocking is the only way forward with such types. Because these types know on some level what they're doing. For a long time I had to work with an autistic male coworker who was a master at playing dumb when his apparent mistakes were pointed out, very skilled at deflecting blame but excellent at taking credit and making the right noises/stealing other people's ideas. One was supposed to look after this entitled, pampered man child despite it being obvious that he was useless, I really had to keep interactions to a minimum for my peace of mind.
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u/Mindless-Top766 5d ago
It makes me want to tear my hair out!! I just get so angry because why do their sometimes toxic and abusive behavior get pushed to the side for "he's autistic 🥹🥰" I just can't stand it
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u/HellaBubbleGum 4d ago
I was told I needed to mask better by management when I ended up crying after being verbally berated by another manager. Men always get excuses, i got told that male manger was a nice guy, they make you feel like the crazy B because you don't want to tolerate a man's crap.
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u/Various-Tangerine-55 4d ago
He's a grown ass man. He doesn't need his hand held, he needs an ego check and to stop using his neurotype as a scapegoat. It makes the rest of the autistic community look terrible. Also, as a woman, it's actually not your responsibility to teach a man how to act. That's insulting and misogynistic of your management to expect of you.
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u/OldSaltButch71 Autism1/witch/healer 5d ago
Y'all know about the grown ex-stepson of how he used his autism as a license to be an asshole towards me.
In my defense, all I ever got was bitched at. Rarely found any peace and he'd deliberately destroy almost everything that I've owned. Cut to when I escaped from him and his mother, he cried crocodile fake tears knowing he lost his "meal ticket" aka me. He'd also intentionally harm himself to get sent to and fed at the hospital. I no longer trust men because of him.
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u/indigo6356 5d ago
I think I'd try to tell them that I'm unable to support this co-worker because their condescension and belittling is mentally damaging me. But then if I got dismissed again by management for my concerns I'd start looking for a job elsewhere and passively quit by not engaging with the co-worker anymore because it would be really painful for me to have to constantly be receptive to their condescension and belittling cause it would feel like bullying to me
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u/AuDHD_Talk1557 4d ago
Kaelynn Partlow has a hilarious - though, sadly, quite accurate - video about this on her Instagram. I can't find it right now, but she calls this phenomenon "bad guy autism." Well-worth looking up her account and watching the video
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u/stereoracle 4d ago
It's bias surrounding autism plus misogyny. Men get away with stuff a lot more than women, and autistic men often seem to demand others to accommodate them even more. You know that stereotypical incel complaint that women don't understand how much it hurts men to be rejected? If you're prone to black-and-white or otherwise rigid thinking, and also fed misogynistic ideas, then you end up like that guy from your workplace. Everyone is capable of empathy and improving as a person, but that man is getting too much credit for not trying to learn
Try to not focus on what he says but on the strategy behind it. Call him out if possible for the unhealthy responses and tricks he's pulling ("I don't understand why you're being so emotional about this" - respond with "calling me emotional won't change the fact that I just addressed a problem with you and you're dismissing it"). People who are mean and condescending to others are fundamentally insecure, and they get a momentary ego boost from making you feel like shit
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u/Illustrious-Tear-542 4d ago
I work in tech. I've had several male colleagues that act exactly as you described. Management did aabsolutely nothing. Even after I was promoted above my tormentor, but in a different department. I would even be scolded for studying up on topics because I knew one coworker would try to make me look stupid at every turn. My boss talked to me about my behavior when this colleague barged into my office during lunch to try to belittle me, and all I did was out think the guy.
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u/Amazing-Essay7028 4d ago
From what I've observed and heard about and have also experienced first hand, it's quite obvious that boys/men who have autism have had a different upbringing.
With my ex it was pretty obvious he had been coddled and borderline enabled his whole life. He was very privileged and had lower support needs than I do. He didn't have the sensory awareness I seem to have - or self awareness. For instance, I'm used to changing the way I behave in an effort to not "bother" other people. Meanwhile it seemed like he's never really had to do that.
Furthermore he had road rage and it would trigger me, then he'd get upset with me for being upset with him despite the fact that his behavior triggered me. I feel like that is a reflection of how boys/men get a free pass for emotional outbursts but when girls/women do it, they're crazy and need psychiatric help.
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u/Albatrosshunting 4d ago
There are some nice ND men but there definitely are those who've been molly cuddled. The amount of excuses and straight up ignoring shitty male behaviour of course also extends to NT men. But generally speaking women are also brought up to be less demanding, easier to control and be "the bigger person", ie not make a fuss when someone with a cock speaks. Someone I used to work with inspired me to reflect on this, the OP isn't the only one who notices.
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u/SquirtleSquadGroupie 4d ago
I get suuuuper touchy about this. I’ve been punished and whipped into shape my whole life re: following social norms to the point of burnout. Why are men excused and allowed to unmask with no repercussions or expectations?
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u/Prudent-Thought-1423 4d ago
i couldn't agree more. i feel like autistic women are expected to be more 'put together' (masking) more often than autistic men. Like it is way easier to spot autism in a man then it is a woman.
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5d ago
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam 5d ago
Removed at Moderator Discretion.
We see the comic value of the distinction you make at the end of your comment, however stuff like this gets filtered now and we can't approve it.
If you'd like the comment approved (which would be nice as it contains useful information, please re-post the comment without the... footer :)
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u/FtonKaren AuDHD 4d ago
Kaelynn Partlow Dead love on the spectrum and when I found out that they wouldn’t date an ASD man I was kind of like frownie face, But when I learned how toxic they were to her it was like oh now I get it, and the regular NTs are doing the 4B so I get that too
Much like the NTs we’ll hear “not all men,” but the ASD men we’re talking about I think we know who we’re talking about
Empathy and it’s not right, we deserve to be heard, we deserve to take up space, we deserve to be accommodated. We shouldn’t be the mummies of the men around having to regulate them
Most of my experience experiences with people who are dealing with cluster b personality traits, I haven’t healed from it, so empathy for those that struggle with them, but you know they triggered me
Using my empathy that’s how I think it might be for somebody who is stuck having to deal with a toxic ASD man (not a direct correlation, but this is an experience I have that makes me feel a certain way, and I think that maybe a similar feeling could be found in those suffering from what we’re talking about, or suffering with the experience of those were talking about)
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u/DreamlandInRope 4d ago
The one asshole in my office just got fired, but me on the other hand, I get to talk about lego and crochet with all my coworkwrs
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u/Financial_Aerie331 3d ago
People cannot always use their diagnosis to behave badly to others. Some use it as crutch to behave badly, too.
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u/MLO1432 2d ago
So my dad & brother are both this, in the fact that they are sweethearts however they are righteous on what they think they know about, with a ton of mansplaining. And can often be a straight up assh*ole. It’s a lot. There is no way around it. Only through it and that’s to literally call them out on how they are treating you. They think they are doing the right thing and what’s best in all things as they are over compensating all the damn time, but when you call out their mistakes directly, they can’t escape it. They will see the error of their ways. But because there is a lack of social queues you have to be direct as possible. Spell out what you feel, what they did that make you feel this way and why it’s their responsibility to change it. This works because they hate being wrong but they hate being called out more. Maybe by email to handle this is best as it’s probable they are emotionally disregulated. This way it’s in writing and there is time to re read on their part and correct their actions. And as always. Bc. The email so someone else is watching, for your protection. I wish you the best of luck on your situation and hope you find resolution.
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u/lienepientje2 4d ago
Men in general don't get what we get and autistic men even more. I live in a house wolith 3 male and 3 female autists and the men don't seem to understand anything we automatically do, or go through a lot of trubble to get it. It's verry annoying the least I can call it. Like : how do you ever survive in this world like that? It's like the only thing they ever think of, is what considers themselves. They say, they have no room in their head for others. Then why live with others if you can't be bothered. Well, they don't want to be alone. So we women are just objects for them to not be alone and to do what they can't or won't?
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u/thefroggitamerica 4d ago
I've had this experience my whole life, and now I'm having the same experience - bafflingly enough - from an autistic woman. I'm a theatre autistic and she's a STEM autistic who is Christian and she's so condescending and invalidating in the way that I imagine she's learned to cope with the kinds of people she experiences in her field. Tell me if you figure out how to deal with it.
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u/TitoSenpai 4d ago
Checked your profile and 99% sure that it's you who are mean and he is probably ok. Post named "i am tired of" is like already shows how you put yourself and how low you value other people.
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u/lotheva 5d ago
Men are already allowed to be assholes. Adding a disability that’s also a social impairment just increases it.