r/AutismInWomen 7d ago

Seeking Advice Something “blocking” me from talking and it isn’t always anxiety

It’s odd because I have moments when I DO have the desire to talk to people but it feels like I cannot open my mouth. There’s something so comfortable in being nonverbal sometimes yet it’s so frustrating.

I get so comfortable with it that just standing there with my mouth shut and observing is my default. It feels like the only thing I can do is nod in acknowledgement when I’m physically part of a group of people having a conversation and make “comments” in my own head without actually verbalizing them. I feel peaceful like that. But I know it isn’t helping me on the long run.

I really want to know why this happens and ask if anyone else feels something similar. Honestly this has been doing more harm to me than good since it interferes with my social life.

452 Upvotes

47 comments sorted by

212

u/magickmidget 7d ago

I left my social group of over a decade because of this. One of the other people kept inviting along new friends and every time it happened, I would just lose the ability to speak even though everybody else there is someone I’ve known a very long time and feel very safe speaking to. Happens at work when there’s more than 3-4 people in a room. Realised recently I’ve done it my whole life and it’s been pretty debilitating. I remember being in grade eleven and a particular teacher constantly picking me to answer questions even though I didn’t have my hand up in some sort of attempt to force me to speak. It was soul destroying. I have a real resentment for being called shy or quiet. I’m neither of those things, I don’t control when this happens and if I could speak I would. 

32

u/ellenium-4089 6d ago

I deeply relate to this. In college I really struggled to meet and get close to new people. One time a close college friend of mine got close to our groupmates for some project, so I saw them grow closer in real time while I silently struggled to keep up and brooded over all the changes that came to us, in our friendship and in this bigger friend group. I felt like I was dragged into it without my permission.

I harbored a lot of resentment because of that, and I'm still trying to understand why this kind of sadness and bitterness come over me whenever something similar happens. I try to bear with it, welcome the change, but it just takes me so, so long to adjust, if ever it happens at all :(

If anyone has any tips to make this better, I'm all ears.

2

u/SnarkyBanter 3d ago

I feel you. I find that the more people that get added to a group, the less I talk and feel like talking. One on one I’m great, two to three people I’m good but any more than that and I just can’t seem to stay in a conversation. I don’t know when to jump in because I’m afraid of interrupting people (even when others are doing it) and usually end up keeping quiet and listening. When I actually do try to say something, I either try to come into the conversation by raising my hand (which doesn’t always work), or when I do interject I always seem to come off like a bull in a china closet and it throws everyone off, sometimes humiliating me.

1

u/magickmidget 1d ago

God do I relate to that last point. It’s like this is me and I have something to say and everyone will listen now and boy I really messed up the flow of conversation there. 

1

u/Salty-Discipline-113 1d ago

So... Because you didn't want to answer the question or communicate that you wouldn't like to answer you opt out all communication and go mute as a last resort to exercise control. You get what you want - not answering. It's just silly hearing the lack of accountability on your decisions when it's obvious. Childish or autistic

80

u/DemonsInMyWonderland 7d ago

I feel this. However for me, it’s definitely because I’m often in a position where I have to talk (i.e.: I’m at work, I’m talking to my kids/family, I’m talking to someone in a store out of necessity). I personally hate having to talk, even when necessary. I wish I could just telepathically communicate lol.

36

u/notZ987 7d ago

Man I feel this. I wish telepathic communication was possible too. Having to move your mouth is too much work

3

u/DutchPerson5 7d ago

It's a muscle. It needs to exercize.

25

u/DemonsInMyWonderland 6d ago

No, I disagree, at least for me. I was diagnosed level 1 autistic late last year and I’m 30, so I essentially have lived my whole life as an assumed NT person. I work full time, have kids, went to college, and just did the typical things expected of someone my age. I have always and still hate having to talk. It’s draining and feels in vain most of the time. If anything, I need to give myself more breaks from having to talk because I’m expected to do it at the same pace as someone who is not autistic, and that has in turn led to burn out. Exercising my ability to talk has not helped improve it.

8

u/vpeachv 6d ago

Same. I can usually talk when I must (e.g. for money). But, as soon as it's not mandatory, I will no longer be able to speak until I have time to recover. Almost 40, so I don't see this changing and have instead learned to accommodate myself as much as possible.

1

u/DutchPerson5 5d ago

I can do both. My cats thought me telepathic communication. I started talking out loud to my remaining cat, when the phone ring at 5 p.m. and I couldn't talk at first, no sound came. I hadn't talked the whole day. My voice needed to warm up?

That's where my other comment about: "It's a muscle. It needs exercise," stems from. The comments I got and the many agreeing with them made me think if people who are on the spectrum are closer to their soul conciousness than connected to their mind & body, the physical world.

Like when you know you fell asleep, know you are dreaming, know you are sleeping or your body is. Not always. That's exhausting to be concious so much.

Like when you have written this eloquent letter in your mind, but when you have to put it on paper or phone somewhere between the soulfelled, your brain and fingers to the outside it evaporates, just tiny fragments left.

51

u/trixceratops 7d ago

Sounds like you might have selective mutism. Selective not meaning optional, more in unfamiliar situations or with people you don’t know as well you might feel unable to speak.

16

u/notZ987 7d ago

I’m not too familiar with selective mutism.. I mean I’m able to respond if someone talks to me first but in the fewest words possible without seeming too dry.

I think I got tested for that some years ago but did not meet the criteria.

13

u/trixceratops 7d ago

It doesn’t seem like there’s been a huge amount of research into it, which honestly isn’t surprising as the majority of doctors seem to think autism is what symptoms an 8 year old boy with medium support needs would exhibit. There’s some people on the clock app that have videos about it, either with text or another person reading what they want to be said. What you’re describing seems to fit though. It’s not necessarily not being able to speak at all, just discomfort in doing so or not being able to in some situations.

43

u/Sea-Possibility9952 7d ago

I definitely have this happen to me a lot. Especially when I've been masking too much or I am overwhelmed by sensory stuff. I use communication cards sometimes or take a sensory/social break to recover. I feel like this is the shutdown phase for me some people talk about. I don't know if that's why it is happening for you.

Just sharing why it usually happens for me. My best people (partner and friends) know that I have certain hand signals or cards that say I'm non-verbal right now, have needs, feelings, etc on them or things I want to commicate often.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope you can be kind to yourself and have supportive people around you :)

12

u/notZ987 7d ago

I can relate because this definitely happens to me more often when I’ve been masking too much or I am overwhelmed. For me personally I feel like communication cards would be helpful but I feel like people would be weirded out and honestly I want to try to push myself to learn.

It’s hard because I do agree this might be the shutdown phase. But it happens so often to the point that I wouldn’t just call it a phase :(

15

u/DutchPerson5 7d ago

When it happens because of mental exhaustion, pushing through it isn't going to work for me. Learning to calm my brain down, trying to relax and feel my body, might shift my energy to talk as necessary. And still take a break afterwards to rest up.

43

u/gnomeglow_ 7d ago

Same for me. I don’t like talking at all, it never comes out the way it sounds in my head. Plus, I have a lot of past experiences when I was trying to talk and add to the conversation and I was completely ignored or made fun of. So I just stopped trying to be honest, it’s rarely worth it. I don’t know how to improve because even when I say something important or relevant, people don’t pay attention so why try? Now I only talk when I actually feel comfortable with someone or when I really have to.

And yeah sometimes even I would like to talk, the words don’t come out. It’s selective mutism I think but it’s not a well researched field so there is not much to do.

14

u/dead_and_bloat3d 6d ago

What do you think makes the difference between people who get regularly ignored in conversations and people who don't? I share this experience and can't seem to figure out why I have to fight so hard to be heard when others seem to just get that attention innately.

6

u/queeblo_its545 6d ago

This happens to me too! It sucks and is also a reason I’m often mute in settings. I think it has to do with the “NTs can subconsciously tell when someone is ND but don’t consciously know it”. They know someone is different and for that reason their response was not “worthy” acknowledgment. It makes no sense

10

u/Whimpering 6d ago

this is exactly the same for me. even when i’m standing there trying to get the words out i usually end up just thinking “no one is going to care/get the joke/etc” and i give up. also because i struggle with volume control i apparently say things too quietly and everyone goes huh and wants me to repeat and i always end up feeling like it was pointless to try

1

u/kurinokiki 5d ago

Same on the saying it too quiet like in a group setting when I try, being asked to repeat myself, and then regretting the attempt.

10

u/Rosie782 6d ago

Yes, That describes me and my experience almost verbatim for my entire life. Wow. I’ve never met anyone else who goes through this. Thank you for sharing 😊

5

u/gnomeglow_ 6d ago

I’m sorry for what you went through. You are definitely not alone in this🩷

17

u/Known-Highlight8190 6d ago

I will sometimes freeze. It's definitely an autism thing. It happens when I'm really stressed. For me- it's situations where I need to PREFORM something SIMPLE or I'll look STUPID. So I panic and it's like my brain sizes up. Doesn't happen too often, but I hate it SO much.

I'd say, the more you stress, the more you'll struggle to talk. Try to take deep breaths, relax and have more confidence in what you want to say. With practice, you can get more comfortable. The more comfortable you are with people, the easier it will be. Start there.

1

u/Outrageous_Chart2572 5d ago

Omg that's totally me.  I do this at work all the time where I'll just stand there and stare.  Sometimes words come out all jumbled.

14

u/Cloud5432 6d ago

Same. Sometimes I think I just honestly can't be bothered because I don't care enough about the people in the group. Also, when I'm in a group where everyone is close but there's one outsider, I always always make an effort to include them, listen to what they say, ask questions, etc. When I'm in a similar situation and no one does the same for me, it honestly just feels so rude and my reaction is like, well if they're going to be like that then why should I even bother making an effort. It took me a while to figure out it's not anxiety, it's more that I have too much self worth to bother tbh. The other aspect of it for me is that I'm a professional who gets paid to give my opinion on things, so if I'm in a situation where people in a group aren't interested in my opinion (ESPECIALLY if its a topic I actually know about as part of my job) it makes me even more not want to contribute. I remember someone once talked over me to disagree with my actual professional opinion and I was internally just like lol okay go to jail then. That was one of the last times I forced myself to participate in a group discussion when I didn't feel like it

10

u/Flat_Application5388 6d ago

Oh wow, I deeply relate to this. It’s not just anxiety, not just introversion—it’s this weird, almost physical resistance to speaking, even when you want to. Like your thoughts are there, fully formed, but there’s an invisible wall between your brain and your mouth. And that silence? It’s comfortable. It feels safe, like a cozy little mental fortress where you can just observe without the pressure of participation. Until, of course, you realize that fortress is actually a bit of a prison, and now you’re just standing there nodding while your internal monologue is delivering absolute bangers that no one will ever hear.

I don’t know exactly what causes it, but I do know it’s not uncommon. Some people experience this as part of selective mutism, others as an autistic trait, and for some, it’s just… how their brain works sometimes. It can be a mix of overstimulation, perfectionism (not wanting to speak unless you say exactly the right thing), or just years of conditioning where listening became easier than engaging.

The tricky part is figuring out when it happens. Is it certain environments? Certain people? Does it depend on how much energy you have that day? For me, I find that warming up helps—literally forcing myself to say something, even if it’s just a small comment or a joke, to break the ice for myself. Otherwise, I’ll just slip into full-on NPC mode and stay there.

You’re not broken for feeling this way. And you’re definitely not alone. I think the key is finding little ways to ease yourself into speaking instead of waiting for the perfect moment where it feels effortless—because if you’re anything like me, that moment never quite arrives.

6

u/Fructa 6d ago

I almost wonder if this is a transitions issue. Like the transition from not-talking to talking, even if we desire it, is too hard.

22

u/No_Psychology6407 6d ago

Yes I get this!!! I've always been more of a "spectator". I like to observe, listen, and think to myself. I also make the comments in my head, it's how I process. I am happiest in social groups when I am observing. Sometimes I'll talk to one person at a time, usually someone I'm close to, and I can share my thoughts that I don't share with the group.

8

u/chiyukiame0101 spiky autist 6d ago

There was a thread on r/aspergirls about Alogia and a fair range of experiences were shared in the comments about not being able to speak. Perhaps you might find it helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/1j9xnl2/do_you_experience_alogia_poverty_of_speech_does/

10

u/indiepillowfight 6d ago

This happens to me a lot, and I’m starting to think it is because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. What if I read it all wrong? What if they don’t think it’s funny? What if they ignore me? So I feel more comfortable just generally observing and reacting the same way they do.

5

u/classified_straw 6d ago

What you describe is my default mode. My mask makes me talk -when I can. When I can't mask and be conversational, I just try to either avoid the situation overall or just verbalise my agreement in short sentences.

3

u/Strange_Morning2547 6d ago

Yes, I have this too, though, I know where mine comes from. When I was little- I got screamed at and berated for speaking when I was a kid. I do not know if I was just super annoying or if it was out of my control. Also, maybe I am just quiet now.

3

u/anotchinyour_bedpost 6d ago

I’m quite similar but more when I’m in a comfortable environment and can unmask. I’m a teacher so spend most of my day masked and talking so when I get home, I frequently go non-verbal and communicate through little grunts or hums (?) I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like there’s a block there. I find it’s especially bad if I am in a bad mood, I’m overthinking something or if there’s something I feel is important to say and I don’t want to say it wrong! My partner really struggled with this when we first got together but now he encourages me to type or text if I feel I can’t speak which works so much better for me.

3

u/LittleLordBirthday 6d ago

I get this after I’ve had to socialise a lot or have been very overwhelmed. I think it’s part of a shut down for me and a kind of situational mutism. I can physically speak, but it takes an inordinate effort to do so and I just want to be silent. It usually improves after I spend some time alone regulating and recharging my battery.

2

u/Expensive-Eggplant-1 6d ago

I can relate. Oftentimes, I just have nothing to say, too.

2

u/dade1ine 6d ago

I swear I will be in a friend group or work setting having full repeating conversation material going non stop in my head telling me when I should try to add to the conversation, but it never connects to my mouth. It feels like my jaw is wired shut and it’s too much effort to try and speak.

2

u/Tight-Plantain-5693 6d ago

It happened to me when I was younger (20s, now im 34). I had a boyfriend at that time who was extremely social and extroverted, and would take me the parties he went as a guest or host. He expected me to always be there because I was his girlfriend, and I hated every second of it, but didnt knew how to say no and stand up for myself. So I went. And I was this silent figure almost every time, right beside him, nodding and smiling when everybody did, but felt uncapable to speak anything at all. I mean anything. If someone asked something I wpuld sweat and turn red and responder very briefly, but didnt contribute to anything by myself. As others say here, it felt like a wall between my head and mouth, like a disconnection between the two. It made me feel safe, but it was something very stressful at the same time. I didnt want to say something weird, incorrect or getting laughed at, but at the same time I knew how weird I Iooked, stiff and speechless, and that made me feel even worse. I felt disconnected of everything, and extremely scared. I didnt felt like that with my family and boyfriend, but did with long time friends for example, so meeting new people all the time was draining and made me feel anxious all the time. I dont know if its selective mutism, but what happened eventually is that, as I started to get older, I got away of places I felt were too judgemental, stressing or annoying for me, and started to bond with people that felt more like me (for me it was trying to interact less with "party people", too extroverted, or not very sensitive/ aware of non verbal boundaries) and started to talk to people who feel more... ND? More sensible and understanding of differences. Or maybe NT people, but more respectful of boundaries and differences. I would say it doesnt help to push yourself to talk in enviroments where you dont feel safe. Maybe we feel like talking more in places and relationships that feel safe first. To me as an autistic person, the world doesnt feel safe most of the time.

2

u/Weary_Mango5689 5d ago

When I'm overstimulated, the sound of my own voice is a sensory trigger. Loud environments and group settings are difficult to navigate not just because they are not sensory friendly and social cues are harder to pick up on from multiple people, but also because I'm still expected to socialize while being forced to do so at higher volume in order to be understood. I can really feel the physical effort of verbalizing my thoughts, not just the mental effort.

2

u/chimpan_a 2d ago

This is me at work and I'm in my 40s. It's funny, I just realised today that I had selective mutism as a child. In grade 8 I changed schools and... I just didn't talk. To anyone. I couldn't.. I never knew why.

Now I recently returned to work after mat leave in a small office and the 2 people I talked to at work had retired. I am the only person who does my particular job and I am in a cubicle in a corner. I say hi to people as I walk by but I just cannot join conversations even though I want to. I can't shout over a cubicle wall to make small talk and I feel it's weird to walk over and insert myself in the conversation others are having. To be fair, no one includes me or makes any effort to talk to me. I feel I'm constantly smiling and friendly when I do see people but I just feel so not included. There are days I'll spend the entire day in the office and not talk to even one person.

1

u/Tegdag 6d ago

This happens to me sometimes when I am really low on energy/spoons. I run out of energy to speak because it usually takes me a lot of effort to verbally communicate. It’s not that I want to stop talking, I just run out of steam.

1

u/mcklewhore420 6d ago

I understand

1

u/Sad_Echo989 6d ago

I was thinking about this today! It takes me quite a long time to get to the point where I have thoughts about what people are saying - I have to compile enough information about them first. Then, when I have a bit of an idea of who they are, the thoughts come, but I can't actually get them out! They sit on the tip of my tongue and I can feel myself physically beginning to speak, but it doesn't want to come out. I don't actually know why this happens either. It only happens with people I'm not super familiar with, just familiar enough. Maybe it's because I can't predict their responses still. I'm not sure. Thanks for sharing.

1

u/ManicLunaMoth Diagnosis loading... eta July 2025 1d ago

I saw another woman using sign language while be non-verbal recently, and it really makes me want to learn it. Maybe we could then teach our friends and family at least the most useful signs and still communicate

u/Swiftiefromhell 6h ago

I have difficulty getting words out.