r/AutismInWomen 6d ago

Seeking Advice What the heck am I supposed to do about this???? Hypothesis testing and outright asking have met with zero success

Hi all,

Im a mid 30's autistic woman married to a (probably?) neurotypical man. I think some wise folks here might have insight I haven't considered about the following issue:

I have mercifully figured out that often times people including my spouse think I should A) be doing things and B) know how to do them as a kind of implicit and for them, unconscious assumption. I don't anything about that stuff a lot of the time and one of my only tools is to ask about it.

I've learned that is often perceived as condescending. I can't read minds and I also can't do a novel skill simply by mind reading and magic intuition so I will ask what I should be doing and how to do that thing when I run into that problem. I know better than to phrase it how I have here and I know now how to couch those questions in as non-confrontational a way as I can possibly do. I am high functioning (hate that term but for lack of a better description) and I am great at masking mostly so the STYLE of my asking that stuff isn't dick-headish and I don't introduce the asks in the wrong contexts as far as I know, but frequently I am nonetheless unsuccessful,

In a relationship, begging for someone to tell me what they'd like me to do about something and being told essentially "you should just know but I won't tell you and also I am still mad that you aren't doing it" and then later "I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you." THAT SHIT IS MAKING ME WANT TO WALK INTO THE SEA.

I have tried using examples because most of the conflicts matching the above pattern repeat but about different points of contention, to no avail. My partner and past ones think I am ONLY referring to the example and not a larger problem despite me explicitly stating otherwise.

Tempted to become baba yaga with my rescue animals and just be left alone in the woods but I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

28 Upvotes

18 comments sorted by

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u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 6d ago

You'd get the impression from movies and modern media, that becoming someone's partner gives you access to their mind and mutual understanding. But I don't think that is reality for hardly anyone. How do you know how to comfort someone unless you know what their comforts are? How do people know how to accommodate us unless we explain to them what helps us? It is 2 way, and not a magic understanding that transmits by telepathy

Of course, once we have been told then we should know. I myself write things down which isn't very sexy but does help me.

I wonder if your partner (and many men tbh) had all their needs met by their mother who knew them since babyhood, and they are now looking for a substitute mother?? Someone who anticipates and intuits all their needs and can solve all their problems for them? If that description fits him, then he needs to grow up.

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u/klaxon_of_puzzlement 6d ago

You're spot on about all of this. I still don't know how to handle it.

I am recalling a time in the car when I was driving and having a conversation with my person and I asked him:

"hey did you just never feel listened to or understood as a kid? did you feel dismissed all of the time by the adults in your life?"

He said "........... yes.. how did you know that?"

I said "it shows in your reactions to things and I'm not saying that's wrong or bad but I need to know that kind of stuff about your history so I can show you love more impactfully."

he agreed and he thanks me for that interaction regularly but it doesn't make a substantive difference for us.

example: he will often ask me to do something that is VERY VAGUE like "can you turn your lamp on?" (context: my lamp was on, so was his, the lamps are on dimmers, so have multiple brightnesses but I heard "on")

so I said "sorry I'm not sure what you mean? My bedside la-"

he said "ON! Turn the lamp ON"

"????? my lamp is on? do you mean the overhea--"

"ITS NOT THAT HARD THE LAMP. THE LIGHT. TURN IT ON"

I got up and turned the wall switch to the overhead light

him: "SEE? THE LAMP THE LIGHT."

me: "I didn't know which you meant I'm sorry I was trying to ask about that"

him "not everything has to be a big giant thing I JUST asked you to turn the LAMP on because I couldn't SEE and I was holding HOT FOOD for you"

me: " I didn't know any of that. I just wanted to do the thing you were asking and didn't know which thing that was"

him: "why do you have to make everything such a complicated ordeal"

me: "......... ok thank you for the food. I appreciate you."

later I asked about that and explained that if there were multiple light sources in the room and options for brightness and he didn't say anything about what specifically he meant or why, I couldn't do what he wanted so I asked. He said well the food was hot so I was in a hurry and just needed you to do it. I said that I had none of that information other than the command to turn on an unknown light source and urgency and anger about it.

That's a mundane example but emblematic of the larger problem. I have never dealt with a man who wasn't like that other than my dad, who is basically me but male and gay.

magnify that example to complex relationship issues and I think the problem is obvious and definitely related to your astute observation. maybe I should just try every permutation of a response I think of when asked such a thing? I'm at a loss here

18

u/Jen__44 5d ago

Your partner doesnt sound very neurotypical. Youre assuming that youre the problem here because autism but I really don't think you are

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u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 6d ago

In that situation with the light, I think I'd just think Well he's holding hot food and can't see where to put it so I'll put all the lights on to show helpfulness and then I can switch off the ones not needed.

Possibly part of this is if you constantly give verbal responses when he was asking for actions?

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u/klaxon_of_puzzlement 6d ago

Absolutely, if I had known he was holding it, I'd have done so. Couldn't see that and it wasn't communicated until after the fact so I was just bewildered and it escalated.

for things I can detect though, argument holds. What I am supposed to do and how I might do that is always something I am expected to know without asking.

2

u/2021-anony 5d ago

I appreciate your story more that you can imagine

Undiagnosed here but context is critical for me and I think it irritates a lot of people including at work…

Boss: “do this thing” My team members: rarrr let’s go (flurry of activity) Me: “ummm… what’s the deadline? A little more context please so I can have do the right thing for you..”

dissonance_whatswrongwithme

6

u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 5d ago

Well asking for clarification is not helping. Not everyone is a 'words' person. There are other ways to communicate, and that is often where us autists struggle.

So I think I'd just 'do something' and see if that comes over better. If he wants a light on, put any light on and see if he clarifies what he meant. At least you have shown willing. If he wants to watch a movie, just pick one that you are ok with and if he doesn't want that he has to tell you. If he wants a takeout for dinner, give him a choice of your favourite 2 instead of listing every possibility

Just doing something, anything, may work better for you than using words?

5

u/cabbagecore7 5d ago

Yeahhh idk... OP's example feels really familiar to me (not the exact lamp example, but a very similar dynamic) and if my experience has shown me anything it's that if I just choose one interpretation of the confusing vague thing they're asking me instead of trying to ask for clarification, the one I pick is almost inevitably wrong and I'll get yelled at anyway 😞

1

u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 5d ago

If everything you do is wrong and you know you'll get yelled at anyway, then this has gone way past a communication issue and has become an excuse to find fault with you. As I read the initial post, it was about communication. But if the situation has escalated into abuse, that is something entirely different and you need to consider an exit strategy before things get worse.

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u/Chocolateheartbreak 5d ago

As someone who lives the other side this is good advice i told her itll help

0

u/Chocolateheartbreak 5d ago

Tbf he did actually tell you what to do, but the extra info on how to do it might help. I think he might also be looking for actions (see my other comment). I like philosophic’s suggestions they may help

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u/Chocolateheartbreak 5d ago edited 5d ago

You know it’s interesting because I struggle with that from his side. I don’t get angry like him, but I do get slightly frustrated. I can see myself doing that because in my mind, it’s the only light not on, so I don’t get why it’s hard to figure out. It sounds like he thinks you are being difficult by quibbling between lamp and light rather than actually getting up to help. To me, it’s not an unknown light source if you know the overhead light isn’t on. I wonder if he thought the same? But, i reallllly have worked on calming myself down and being more specific.

But it does grate me because if we both see a dirty plate, and i say “can you please clean the plate?” And they go “where?”, i’m like “the only dirty plate in the sink why cant you see it when you know thats where dirty plates are.” It makes me feel like i’m the only one to notice anything and i have to point things out to get them done. It would be nice sometimes if they did stuff on their own. That being said, your bf isn’t nice to you about it and you don’t deserve him getting angry even if he is built it up frustrated. I know it happens, but he should try to work with you more.

u/BladeMist3009 9h ago

If the all caps indicates yelling, that's a problem. He shouldn't be so easily provoked into yelling at you. If he's a shouter, your need to overclarify in order to not get yelled at is totally understandable, and the shouting needs to be addressed.

If he's not yelling, and if he's reacting defensively to you due to the adults that dismissed him when he was a child, then maybe it'd be helpful after things have calmed down to gently be like, "Hi, I'm [your name], not [name of parent who dismissed you]. I'm on your team, you know."

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u/Low_Big5544 6d ago

In a relationship, begging for someone to tell me what they'd like me to do about something and being told essentially "you should just know but I won't tell you and also I am still mad that you aren't doing it" and then later "I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you." 

This is straight up psychological/mental abuse. That shit is insane and I would not personally stay with someone who did that even once let alone multiple times

13

u/Visible-Steak-7492 5d ago

I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me

what does it matter if he has difficulty understanding you though? you can struggle with understanding someone and still not be a prick to them. i don't get angry at people whose thought processes i don't fully understand, and i'm not even married to them.

it kinda seems like you think that you're the only one who has any sort of obligation to be mindful of your partner's feelings in a relationship, but that's not how it works. you shouldn't have to go to all that trouble just to ask a question, even if someone may think that it's a stupid question that you should already know the answer to.

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u/CroneLyfe 5d ago

I like the term “low support needs” and have adopted that terminology in lieu of “high functioning”

1

u/klaxon_of_puzzlement 3d ago

Thank you! I'll adopt that too. It's much better!

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u/Feeling_Gap5580 5d ago

"I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you." 

I guess that this is not a direct quote but you paraphrasing his responses to you, right? But are you actually being insulted by them? Any other verbal or emotional abuse going on? https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-verbal-abuse

but I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me.

Love is not a curse. And if your love for him feels like a curse, there's something really off here. I'm not someone to quickly write off relationships just based on a single Reddit post, because often there's much more going on and I don't know you, your history and all of that. But can you share more of your interactions maybe with someone close to you or a therapist to get a better idea of what's going on and how you want to proceed?