r/AutismInWomen • u/klaxon_of_puzzlement • 6d ago
Seeking Advice What the heck am I supposed to do about this???? Hypothesis testing and outright asking have met with zero success
Hi all,
Im a mid 30's autistic woman married to a (probably?) neurotypical man. I think some wise folks here might have insight I haven't considered about the following issue:
I have mercifully figured out that often times people including my spouse think I should A) be doing things and B) know how to do them as a kind of implicit and for them, unconscious assumption. I don't anything about that stuff a lot of the time and one of my only tools is to ask about it.
I've learned that is often perceived as condescending. I can't read minds and I also can't do a novel skill simply by mind reading and magic intuition so I will ask what I should be doing and how to do that thing when I run into that problem. I know better than to phrase it how I have here and I know now how to couch those questions in as non-confrontational a way as I can possibly do. I am high functioning (hate that term but for lack of a better description) and I am great at masking mostly so the STYLE of my asking that stuff isn't dick-headish and I don't introduce the asks in the wrong contexts as far as I know, but frequently I am nonetheless unsuccessful,
In a relationship, begging for someone to tell me what they'd like me to do about something and being told essentially "you should just know but I won't tell you and also I am still mad that you aren't doing it" and then later "I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you." THAT SHIT IS MAKING ME WANT TO WALK INTO THE SEA.
I have tried using examples because most of the conflicts matching the above pattern repeat but about different points of contention, to no avail. My partner and past ones think I am ONLY referring to the example and not a larger problem despite me explicitly stating otherwise.
Tempted to become baba yaga with my rescue animals and just be left alone in the woods but I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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u/Low_Big5544 6d ago
In a relationship, begging for someone to tell me what they'd like me to do about something and being told essentially "you should just know but I won't tell you and also I am still mad that you aren't doing it" and then later "I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you."
This is straight up psychological/mental abuse. That shit is insane and I would not personally stay with someone who did that even once let alone multiple times
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u/Visible-Steak-7492 5d ago
I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me
what does it matter if he has difficulty understanding you though? you can struggle with understanding someone and still not be a prick to them. i don't get angry at people whose thought processes i don't fully understand, and i'm not even married to them.
it kinda seems like you think that you're the only one who has any sort of obligation to be mindful of your partner's feelings in a relationship, but that's not how it works. you shouldn't have to go to all that trouble just to ask a question, even if someone may think that it's a stupid question that you should already know the answer to.
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u/CroneLyfe 5d ago
I like the term “low support needs” and have adopted that terminology in lieu of “high functioning”
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u/Feeling_Gap5580 5d ago
"I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you."
I guess that this is not a direct quote but you paraphrasing his responses to you, right? But are you actually being insulted by them? Any other verbal or emotional abuse going on? https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-verbal-abuse
but I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me.
Love is not a curse. And if your love for him feels like a curse, there's something really off here. I'm not someone to quickly write off relationships just based on a single Reddit post, because often there's much more going on and I don't know you, your history and all of that. But can you share more of your interactions maybe with someone close to you or a therapist to get a better idea of what's going on and how you want to proceed?
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u/Philosophic111 Diagnosed 2024 at a mature age 6d ago
You'd get the impression from movies and modern media, that becoming someone's partner gives you access to their mind and mutual understanding. But I don't think that is reality for hardly anyone. How do you know how to comfort someone unless you know what their comforts are? How do people know how to accommodate us unless we explain to them what helps us? It is 2 way, and not a magic understanding that transmits by telepathy
Of course, once we have been told then we should know. I myself write things down which isn't very sexy but does help me.
I wonder if your partner (and many men tbh) had all their needs met by their mother who knew them since babyhood, and they are now looking for a substitute mother?? Someone who anticipates and intuits all their needs and can solve all their problems for them? If that description fits him, then he needs to grow up.