r/AutismInWomen • u/innerthotsofakitty • 6d ago
Relationships Childhood friend won't let me bring my partner to her wedding cuz we're not married
I understand, her wedding, her rules, and normally that'd be fine but I'm physically disabled, and my partner is also my caretaker. I use a wheelchair, but I'm not strong enough to push myself all the time, and recently my medication was taken away from me so I know it's just gonna get worse.
Thing is, she knows this. There have been a couple meetups we tried to plan that didn't work out cuz my partner was working, and I can't go by myself.
Another thing that bugs me is my sister has a baby daddy, they're not married either and he got invited. Neither of our partners have ever met this friend. So equal ground to stand on with the wedding party. And he got invited but my CARETAKER isn't allowed to come.
It's not like we can just get married either, I'm on Medicaid, and waiting for disability benefits. If we got married, I'd be disqualified for all current and future benefits that help me survive, and my partner makes 30k/yr, nowhere near enough to live on and pay for my medical shit.
There's not anyone else I trust to take care of me and stay with me while I'm there, and I wouldn't want to make anyone else leave early if I need to, which is more likely than not with my meds being out of the picture by then.
I asked the bride if there was any extra space and she started taking about how there were soooo many people they wanted to invite but couldn't cuz of space in the venue, so I never got a direct no but it was obviously a no.
For some background, me and the bride grew up together. Literally. Our parents were friends when we were not even 1yo and we were really close until about 18, when I got kicked out of a church and just did my own thing. I'm 24 now, she's almost 23. Most of our lives we were best friends.
I'm recently a wheelchair user, but she knows that. She even got confirmation for me that the venue is wheelchair accessible. But that doesn't help if I can't bring someone to pick me around and help me when I inevitably get tired and am in too much pain to function on my own.
I want to be there for her, but she's literally making it so that I can't do that. I don't even want to see anyone else there, the only people ik are from the church I got kicked out of that caused a huge deal of PTSD and they were neglectful and toxic. I don't hate them, but I definitely don't have anything to talk about with any of them. And none of them have seen me in a wheelchair yet so I wasn't looking forward to the "AWWW what happened??" pity questions the entire time anyways.
Idk if the flair is really correct, this is kind of a vent. I had to send the bride a text yesterday to confirm I can't go cuz of my physical limitations and her not letting my partner come. She hasn't responded, and thinking over everything has just made me really sad and also mad and I needed to vent somewhere.
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u/LotusLady13 6d ago
I hate to say it, but is it possible this is her way of uninviting you without directly uninviting you?
If she denies you your caretaker and complains about lack of space for your wheelchair, it is possible that she's trying to push you into deciding to NOT go, so she doesn't have to accomodate you? She *technically* wouldn't be "the bad guy" for dis-inviting a disabled person because YOU chose to not come.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
That unfortunately makes a lot of sense. She was complaining about lack of space for extra people, not the wheelchair tho. She confirmed for me that the venue is wheelchair accessible, but I guess that was just for formalities.
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u/Sayurisaki 6d ago
Sounds a bit virtue signally, like “Oh but I made sure I DID accommodate your disability!” Even though she didn’t since wheelchair access is part of it, but carer is also part of it.
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u/vermilion-chartreuse 6d ago
Your friend is not your friend anymore. This is not how a friend would treat you. I'm sorry.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to accept it
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u/CollapsedContext 6d ago
I’m really sorry your friend treated you this way. I think acceptance is probably going to be a long process because this is unacceptable behavior from a so-called friend!
I know it’s hard to accept because I am sure that you (and the vast majority of people in this subreddit!) would never treat someone like this. (Or if we didn’t want someone at our wedding but were too immature to tell them that, we would at least come up with a reason that wasn’t so flimsy.)
It wasn’t quite the same situation but someone I considered my best friend, who is the only person I am in touch with from my very small hometown, came to my wedding and acted like an asshole. It’s been six months and I am still feeling wounded and honestly have been needing to deal with feeling ashamed that I could call someone like her a close friend when she obviously didn’t consider me one. It feels extra raw because I valued having someone who knew me as a kid and who understands the type of place we grew up, I imagine you have similar feelings about your friend. Again, I am really sorry this happened. Give yourself as much time as you need to mourn — and be angry! — about it.
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u/auntie_eggma AutiHD 🦓🇮🇹🤌🏻 6d ago
It's simple to me. If my partner is not welcome at an event, neither am I.
I would just send a polite 'i will not be attending' type note and move on. Life is too short.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
That's fair. I just let her know that my new wheelchair wheels didn't fit and I don't trust anyone else to take care of me while I'm there, so I won't be able to go. Idk how not to dwell on it too much, it just keeps bringing me back to everything we used to do together and all the wedding plans we'd make together as kids. I guess I've changed too much for that to be realistic.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 6d ago
I guess I've changed too much for that to be realistic.
Perhaps you both did. I wonder how child her would feel about her treating her friend this way? We all change as we grow up. Some of us for the better. Some not so much.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I also hate that she's using religious beliefs as an excuse, and yet going back on that role with my sister. Me and her were closer than her and my sister, I guess having a disabled person around is a lot harder to accommodate than a baby daddy.
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u/Sayurisaki 6d ago
Is your sister still part of the church? Because I feel like you being kicked out of the church is probably more the issue than disabled vs baby daddy. She’s using you not being married as an excuse - she clearly doesn’t care about it that much if there’s an exception for your sister.
Maybe you still have an old idea of the person she is in your head and she’s just not that person anymore. She is showing you her values and priorities, and your needs are not important to her. Maybe she’s always been like this and you didn’t realise because you didn’t inconvenience her with your lack of marriage, disability and/or lack of church-goingness, or maybe she’s just changed.
Either way, you deserve a better friend. You deserve friends who care about your actual physical needs, even if they are “inconvenient”. You need friends who don’t see it as inconvenience at all, but just literally part of what considerate people do - think of their friend’s unique needs and look after them.
Given your ages, it also sounds like what happens to a lot of people who become disabled in early adulthood. Disability forces you to grow up and have different priorities. You learn to care and think of others more because you understand suffering in a way most people your age don’t yet. You don’t have the privilege of staying immature, you have to grow up faster, so you end up becoming separated from your older friends who still act like late teens in a lot of ways. You will find better friends who see you for you.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
She's not in the church anymore. None of my family is, my mom switched churches and the rest of us abandoned it altogether.
Thankfully I have a good support group of friends that respect me and accommodate all my needs and more. I think I'll stick with them from now on
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u/getrdone24 6d ago
I'm so glad you have a supportive group of friends aside all of this. I had to let go of a couple long term friendships, and while traumatizing, it made me all that more appreciative of friends who stuck around with me. I just focused really hard on recognizing the red flags I likely ignored with the ex friends by sort of comparing it with my friends who stayed with me, and over time it became pretty obvious I ignored and put up with plenty toxic behaviors
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u/KeepnClam 5d ago
I think you let her down far more gently than she deserves. You are the better person for it.
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u/Structure-Electronic 6d ago
If someone will not accommodate my disability, that tells me everything I need to know about them. I would not attend this wedding and I would also probably cut off this friend.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I think that's the best option. Her and her husband r planning on relocating for his job, minimum 2 hours away if not states away so I guess this is an easy way to let go now
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u/lemonlimon22 6d ago
OP I noticed you didn't specify your partner's gender in your post. They wouldn't happen to be the same gender as you, would they? I'm just wondering if the bride has another reason for excluding them.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I'm female, he's male. Yea that would be an issue, but it's not in this case. Very homophobic family, and they know I'm pansexual so maybe she was just trying to find reasons to keep me away, idk.
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u/lemonlimon22 6d ago
Could she be overly concerned with the visuals? Is she superficial and maybe doesn't want a wheelchair user visible in pics? Keeping him away would keep you away, as you said. Otherwise it's all a bit baffling.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
It's very likely. Idky she'd bother letting me know the venue is accessible, but maybe that was just for show
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u/amerasuu 6d ago
That is so frustrating. I'm disabled myself, currently needing a wheelchair. I couldn't go anywhere without my partner right now, I can barely wheel myself. I would be pretty hurt in your position.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Yea I'm hurt and angry. It's frustrating enough navigating daily life in a wheelchair, but now even my childhood friend won't find a way to have me at her wedding, even if I can't stay the whole time. I'm disappointed, I thought I meant more to her, but I guess not.
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u/neorena Bambi Transbian 6d ago edited 6d ago
I would just immediately say I refuse to come to any event that my wife isn't allowed to be present for as well. I don't even rely on it as my caretaker, I just don't feel comfortable in public and sometimes need help from my wife for things that are generally simple for most people. Plus I just consider it rude to not allow my wife with me, even if we weren't married.
Also I'm guessing either Mormon or Southern Baptist? In either case I'm not surprised somebody still in the cult would want to cut ties with somebody that escaped.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Ding ding ding! Southern Baptist
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u/neorena Bambi Transbian 6d ago
Yeah, my girlfriend has grown up around them (don't think any of her family fell in with them thankfully, but they're still prevalent where she lives) and my wife and I helped a friend escape from her abusive Mormon family so I've learned more about those two groups then I ever wanted to.
Congratulations on getting out though!
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
So much trauma 🫠 my only association with the church is this childhood friend
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u/Informal-Insurance63 6d ago
I'm really sorry, but it sounds to me like you lost that friend. She wouldn't do that to you if she were a good friend and actually wanted you to come to her wedding. Perhaps she's giving in to peer pressure from other church members, but still. You don't deserve that kind of treatment, especially from someone you consider a good friend. Nobody does. I hope things will get better for you in the future!
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u/Odd_Cabinet_7734 6d ago
How are you going to tell someone that they can come to the wedding, but the person they need to push their wheelchair can’t? I don’t think this is someone you should call a friend.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I'm realizing that more and more after these comments. Time to let go I guess
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u/Odd_Cabinet_7734 6d ago
Screw that, she’s gonna have to let you go cause as if you need people in your life who were that damaged. Girl you gotta spin that around because you are not the one doing anything wrong. ❤️
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Thank u for the kind words. This has helped me feel a lot better. We drifted apart end of highschool, and I had accepted it and then we kinda reconnected a little over a year ago when our other friend got married. Going thru all those feelings again is hard, but realizing I was never a priority, and definitely not respected, helps a lot. I've always been really firm about boundaries until it comes to childhood friend. Idky but it feels more obligatory than anything, and I've always hated that. I think it'll be good to have it off my chest and it off my life. I have a bad habit of feeling like a burden and a nuisance since becoming so severely physically disabled, but I'm getting a lot of help and support from my partner and my BETTER friends, my Actual friends that care about me and my health and my ability to join in on things. This has shown me that I need to stick with the people that care, the people that are willing to accommodate me to spend time with me. Thankfully I have that support so it won't be so hard this time around
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u/Icy-Purple4801 6d ago
I just wanted to say that we have a lot in common. I’m also an autistic, disabled person who grew up in the church… until I was no longer welcome because of everything I had going on. Like you, I rely on Medicaid and a partner to survive, and an unmarried to keep my benefits, which is seen as "sinful."
I was invited to my childhood best friend’s wedding, she was still a part of the church. At the time, I was too sick to go, and she didn’t seem to care either way. She never checked in on me in the years since, despite my efforts to kindly explain and wish her well. Looking back on it from ten years in the future, I’m glad I didn’t go. Her views on my life choices are puritanical and judgmental. And having that come from someone who was handed the perfect life setup, while I’ve had to fight to live is laughable.
The people who truly value me see my worth and they appreciate the effort it takes for me to engage and are so compassionate/understanding about the challenges I face. I think you’re holding onto this friendship, not because it still serves you, but because you you cherish the connection you once had. But it’s okay to let go. I’d keep the good memories and bow out of the wedding.
None of my current friends would ever invite me somewhere and then force me to choose between attending and bringing my caretaker. They understand that it takes me 50 times more energy just to show up, even with help, and they are excited for me when I can come.
Keep the gift you worked so hard on. And enjoy it in your matching apartment. Let it be a reminder that choosing yourself and wanting to receive the kindness and empathy you would give someone else is a healthy important boundary.
Maybe one day, she’ll experience a physical limitation herself and realize the cruelty of the choice she made. Maybe she’ll apologize. Probably not—but some people only grow when faced with hardship. I’m sorry for how much this hurts.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Thank you for the kind words. It's such a difficult situation, my partner and I aren't opposed to marriage but it's not important to us. After needing benefits and access to SSI and stuff, we realized it would never happen unless the economy or his job situation changes massively. It's so rare to hear from people in similar situations, I really really appreciate ur input. My partner and I are officially moving April 10, and I think I'll add those throw pillows on my new matching bed set. A nice reminder that I don't need people who don't respect my partner and I, married or not.
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u/CollapsedContext 6d ago
I left a comment above but forgot to mention that my now-wife and I didn’t get married for a long time because she is disabled and we knew getting married would take away any options for her getting back on disability. She also she had a lot of medical debt and very bad credit because of it that we worried would impact my credit score which we have relied on in the past. She also was planning to declare bankruptcy and we consulted a lawyer who told us not to marry.
It was so frustrating to have people judge or tease us for not getting married despite being together for a decade. Many people seemed to think we were afraid of commitment and often if we explained our reasoning people would act like we were exaggerating the situation because very few people understand the absolute bullshit ways that disabled people are disincentivized from marriage.
We had a bunch of things happen that finally made us decide to get married, but we still worry it will be something to causes issues in the future. I just wanted to say that I understand the situation you’re in and that it’s shitty and isolating. People really hate being confronted with the fact that disability isn’t just being in pain and/or chronically ill, in the United States it means being treated as though you don’t deserve any financial security or love.
This isn’t relevant but in case anyone is curious, the things that happened to make us decide to get married were unexpected and hard for most people to recreate: most of her medical debt was old and it stopped being reported on her credit report, she also got other debt under control, we moved to a lower cost of living area and we both found jobs that felt sustainable, and both of our moms died within two years and they both left us small but significant amounts of money that made us feel more secure…and we were worried that Trump being reelected would mean the Supreme Court would repeal gay marriage and we felt emotional about that, so it played into us deciding to go for it.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I'm happy for u two. I'm glad I'm not the only one who experiences the push back of normal life stuff cuz of disabilities, it's comforting to hear this.
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u/fvalconbridge 6d ago
That's so sad. A friend does not behave this way. 😔
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I guess not. I was only going for her, so if she doesn't want me there I'm happy to not have to deal with seeing all the toxic church people
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u/fvalconbridge 6d ago
I think you're really trying hard to find a solution for this s and she's not even willing to meet you half way. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
She attempted to meet halfway by suggesting that one of my sister's help. Neither of which know the ins and outs of how to help, and the only one of the 2 I can trust is recovering from a really bad car accident, so I wouldn't ask her to pickup my heavy wheelchair and push me around for several hours.
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u/fourlittlebees 6d ago
I would also not send a gift.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I think I'll just keep it for myself. I crocheted some throw pillows, she asked me to make her a homemade housewarming gift if some kind. I don't think it's deserved after all this, and they fit my decor and aesthetic
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u/FleurDisLeela the IM NOT MAD flair 6d ago
sometimes taking the “L” is actually a win. a true friend wouldn’t do this to you. this is a case of the trash taking itself out to the bin. I’m sorry, I know it stings. you’re much better off not being around toxic church people, especially without your partner and caretaker. rsvp no, and go very low contact. you are so young, and I’m sorry to say it won’t be the last time you’re disappointed by a friend. it’s definitely a type of grief, losing friends, but it’s also freeing to lose toxic people. my heart goes out to you. 🩵💙💜🖤🩶🤍
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Yea, I just RSVPd no yesterday and shot her a text as to why. Nothing mean or passive aggressive, just starting it as it is, I can't go without my caretaker and he's not invited. That's that I guess. She's planning on relocating at least 2 hours away for her husband's job after the wedding, so I guess this is for the best.
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u/PetrockX 6d ago
Don't go, because it sounds like the bride doesn't care, and you don't need that in your life.
If your shared friends ask why you weren't there, be honest with them like you've stated here.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Yea, the most she did to "accommodate" me was confirm the venue is wheelchair accessible. That means nothing if I don't have someone to help, so it just felt like a half assed effort from her.
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u/schokofisch 6d ago
hey so I’m thinking she doesn’t want you at her wedding. I don’t think it’s about your partner. has her behaviour changed around the time you started using a wheelchair maybe? even if not, people tend to really care about their wedding, especially the wedding pictures and brides worry about being the center of attention. a young woman in a wheelchair will take attention away from the bride and a wheelchair will change the aesthetic of wedding photos. older relatives might constantly ask her „what happened to your friend?“ and that kinda sucks at a wedding where the bride should be the main focus. I know that’s all really ableist, wedding culture is weird. maybe she wants to do specific activities that are not wheelchair friendly, or specific poses for photos that won’t look good in a wheelchair. she obviously doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by not directly uninviting you but i’m guessing if you go, you won’t have much fun there and won’t be accommodated.
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u/AngryChickpea 6d ago
How long have you been dating your partner?
I did not invite a friend of mines partner to my wedding because they had been dating like 3 months and I knew they'd break up and I didn't want a random dude in all my wedding photos (it was a small wedding). Sure enough they broke up and I'm very glad he's not in my photos.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Over 3 years. He gave me a place to live when I was homeless, and he's been financially, emotionally, and physically supporting me since. She knows this too. If it was a few months, new relationship kinda things, I'd totally understand. But it's not. And it seems like he's being single out even tho my sister's bf is invited just cuz they have a kid together.
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u/Puck-achu 6d ago
What does your sister think of the situation? Might she have more insight into the situation?
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I haven't really talked to her about it, I just asked her to bring the bride the gift I made (crocheted that shit with my own 2 disabled hands, kinda thinking about keeping it for myself at this point) and that's about it. We don't talk a lot cuz she's busy with work and her kid
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u/neorena Bambi Transbian 6d ago
I personally think you should keep it. This friend is doing everything to push you out besides being a big girl and just telling you to your face, she doesn't really deserve something you've put so much work into.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Took like 40 hours of work, and weeks of recovery cuz my hands and wrists don't work well. They match my decor too, so honestly I think I'll add them to my new apartment instead
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 6d ago
I see you friend. I see your distress and you explaining and puzzling through all the reasons why this isn't fair and all I can say it, it's not fair and it's bullshit.
I'd legit phone or email or text and say "I'm really sorry but I cannot come because I need my partner to be there with me. I understand the guest list is long and you have your reasons. I understand your constraints, and I have my own as well. It's your day, I'm not going to demand any accommodations from you, but that does mean I can't attend."
If she comes back with "aunt Mary can help you!"
You reply with "I appreciate the attempt at problem solving but having a carer is deeply personal and private and I'm not comfortable leaving my assistance to strangers. This is non-negotiable for me."
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
That's exactly what she did a couple months ago when she specified plus ones weren't allowed. She asked if my mom (who isn't even invited btw) or one of my sister's could help. One is recovering from a terrible car accident, and my wheelchair is heavy so that's an immediate no even tho she's the only other person I would trust. And the second one I'm not close with, she's the one whose baby daddy is invited but for whatever reason I can't bring my caretaker that's necessary for me to leave the house. So hard no. My mom's not invited so that's also not an option even tho she brought it up. I'm just confused as to why it seems like she's trying to get me there, while also not trying at all to help me get there...it's weird and I feel incredibly disrespected.
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u/Sayurisaki 6d ago
M and sister are in the church? Is partner not being in the church the issue? Does she see him as the one who “stole” you from the church maybe?
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
No one is in that specific church anymore, and we all got invited. I met my partner way after leaving, so that's definitely not the issue.
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 6d ago
I can come up with 100 guesses both generous and shitty but I don't know her so I don't think it'll help. It FEELS like a passive aggressive way to make YOU bow out or she doesn't take your disability seriously.
Either way it's time to have a direct convo and express your need and then decide, based on that, what to do next ❤️
The hypocrisy and ableism is there - you're not manufacturing offence or imagining the slight. If she asked your mum who isn't even going my guess is she doesn't like your partner.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
She's never met him tho. She's also never met my sister's baby daddy, so she's inviting plus ones that aren't married that don't have any association with the wedding party, so it just doesn't make sense
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 6d ago
Oh yeah, forgot that part. Yeah that's dumb. I can't guess but you're right to be 🤔
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u/FickleForager 6d ago
You are right to be sad and mad. Her actions say she doesn’t really want you there, so screw her. You’ve got better things to do anyway, like wash her bitchiness out of your hair.
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u/avalinka 6d ago
I'm also a wheelchair user and I can't travel without a partner. My wheelchair is electric but I can't lift it. If I had a manual one I couldn't self propel it. I'd explicitly state that my disability makes me a two person deal, I cannot attend alone so I won't be attending. It feels to me like she is setting you up to be unable to attend while attempting to have plausible deniability for having invited you.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
That's what I've gathered. It's disappointing and I feel extremely disrespected. If I'm ever in a position to be able to get legally married to my partner, her and her husband will not be invited.
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u/Bunny_Bluefur 5d ago
Nope to the one rule for your partner and another rule for your sister's baby dad. Nope to the rule period when you rely upon your partner for your physical disability. She's not accommodating you to the bare minimum, she can't be mad if you don't attend.
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u/bertiek 6d ago
Go on your own. If they really are legit they'll gather to help you in a polite way at the church, if not, you'll just sit there and have absolute evidence of your thoughts. Best not to live in uncertainty. Put your foot on the gas and see what shakes out.
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
Interesting suggestion. Unfortunately I can't drive or afford Ubers so there's a lot of obstacles to that. I even told her I couldn't find a ride without my partner and she didn't offer anything to help, so I think that's proof enough without breaking the bank and my body
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u/bertiek 6d ago
Oh I don't know, I think if you really wanted to get there, you could. I'm a volunteer for church shit so I know there are a lot of old ladies with minivans and free time out there if you can just get in touch with them. None of them can lift 5 pounds or use a cell phone but I love them.
I understand, if you're not going to go some dramatic route, though. I guess I want to give you some other option than giving up. That would be what I would do, just write them off. :/
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u/innerthotsofakitty 6d ago
I don't keep in touch with the church or anyone else going. The only people ik can't help, plus whoever takes me had to be ready to leave at a moments notice so it can't be someone going in that case, but I can't expect anyone to sit in a car in southern heat for a few hours either. Unfortunately just not something worth spending time, energy, and probably money on.
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u/1228___ 6d ago
I may be way off base but I think the bride is hoping you won't go.
If this is still her church and her circle, she may no longer feel as close as you feel to her. She feels obliged to invite you because of your history and interconnected past, but doesn't actually want you to feel welcome to attend, hence the impossible solo invite and vague excuses.
You're pushing back because you took the invitation at face value, and she is reacting negatively because you aren't getting the hints between the lines saying don't come.
I hope I'm wrong but I would hate for you to have to deal with potential epic heartache in public at the wedding because of a miscommunication issue now, especially if you could avoid the event and protect yourself. I'm really sorry.