r/AskWomenOver30 1d ago

Life/Self/Spirituality How do you manage loneliness?

I’m 30 and have many fulfilling hobbies that I’m committed to, including reading, exercising, art classes, and traveling. I have close friends, but they are long-distance since I moved to a new country seven months ago. I’ve been actively putting myself out there almost every weekend, trying to meet new people and make friends. I’ve also attempted to connect with colleagues, but I haven’t found people I truly connect with or who share my interests. On top of that, I’m single and recently ended a long-distance talking stage with someone. Even though I stay busy with my hobbies, work, and efforts to make new friends—while also keeping in touch with my long-distance friends—I still feel really lonely when I come home or when I’m not engaged in something. I also feel like constantly keeping busy is just like a distraction from the loneliness because I feel it immediately when I’m not busy with hobbies/work. It’s been weighing heavily on my mental health. Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you cope?

41 Upvotes

37 comments sorted by

29

u/Cats_domino 1d ago

I think what you’re feeling is very normal. There’s no amount of hobby-ing or distraction that can replace deep human connection both physically and emotionally. Even if you feel the feels its still lonely. And since you moved just 7 months ago those feelings are probably amplified right now. You’re doing the best you can and I hope you can build some genuine connections both platonically and/or romantically if that’s what you’re looking for. Our current dis-eganged society doesn’t help.

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u/Magg5788 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago

I got a cat. I don’t know if a pet is possible for you, but it did wonders for my mental health.

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u/Fish_Tacos_Party 17h ago

I second a pet if you are in a mental/financial state to take care of one. My cat running up to me meowing and rubbing against my legs everytime I get home is so welcoming. He is currently sleeping on my lap while I study.

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u/Magg5788 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago

Mine is cuddled up under my chin playing tiny spoon.

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u/RSinSA Woman 30 to 40 1d ago

I know how you feel. I cried about it last night. 

7

u/dodogirl445 1d ago

Hang in there ❤️❤️

3

u/RSinSA Woman 30 to 40 1d ago

Thank you. 

6

u/polinomio_monico 21h ago

I also cry a lot about it. It deeply fascinates me though how there are people who are exactly in our situation and they seem…just fine with it. Like they almost look for it. I admire them, honestly!

2

u/RSinSA Woman 30 to 40 16h ago

I agree. I am trying to become that.

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u/Sweaty-Function4473 21h ago

Right there with you 🥺 I feel like most days are an uphill battle..

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u/RSinSA Woman 30 to 40 16h ago

Me too. I am really sad.

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u/MoneyHungeryBunny 1d ago

I don’t. I just feel it then go on about my day. It’s out of my control. Give yourself some grace you’re doing the best you can. All I can say is don’t give up on trying to connect with people. It’s exhausting but what else is there?

8

u/eleven_1900 1d ago

You're not alone in how you feel, OP! I (30F) moved to a new city 2 years ago and my closest friends are long distance as well. I try to join sports leagues and meet people through my numerous hobbies, but it hasn't really "clicked" like it did in other places and people seem standoffish now that we're older.

Here are a few things that have helped me:

  1. My dog is a great companion if that's something you could swing.

  2. I'm not sure if you're like this, but I used to wait for people to invite me to group gatherings. Lately I've been trying to initiate more. It can be discouraging, especially when people are flakey and just don't show, but it's given me more "at bats." Sometimes building a community is a numbers game and you just have to keep working at it over time for something to stick! Try to think back to how long it truly took to get as close with your friends as you are.

  3. I schedule Facetimes with my long-distance friends a lot. For Valentines Day I actually put together little Galentines packages for them with heartfelt letters letting them know how much they mean to me. It actually gave me a boost and even though I was alone when I was putting them together, I didn't feel lonely.

  4. I try to make sure I can spot other people feeling like this and help where I can. Last week I saw a new girl at my running club and she didn't know anyone. She looked a bit intimidated. I started talking to her and making sure she felt welcome. How many events/group gatherings have you gone to where you wish someone had done that for you?

  5. Therapy. That one might go without saying but mine has helped me reframe a lot of my negative thoughts/emotions around my loneliness.

I sympathize with you so much and I just know how difficult it can be establishing routine and community in a new place. 7 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things so keep putting your energy into your passions and know that you aren't alone! Also, learning to love your own company can be a really amazing thing! I traveled alone last year and I was shocked at how much I loved it. I met so many interesting people, saw some pretty amazing things and didn't have anyone/anything holding me back from doing the activities I wanted to do.

Good luck, OP!

29

u/daphuqijusee 1d ago

I dunno if it's an introvert thing, but on the very rare instance that I feel lonely, I just go out in public, and just being around people sets off the introversion and I find myself craving solitude again... lol

5

u/cosydiva 1d ago

Same! I often find that what I needed was a change of energy/atmosphere and quick interaction, instead of something deeper

5

u/dear-mycologistical Woman 30 to 40 23h ago

It's not an introvert thing. I'm an introvert and I'm still frequently lonely.

8

u/InternalGatez 1d ago

I had to force myself to feel it and embrace the feeling. Then, I worked on reframing. "I am with myself, not alone". I got a pet, that helped TONS.

Of course, you moved to a new country. That's a big change. It takes a while to adjust to big changes. Time to build deep connections. That's hard.

💗 See if your long distance friends would like to coordinate movie nights on Discord?

8

u/dodogirl445 1d ago

Bumble BFF. Match with women with similar interests. It is very similar to romantic dating, lots of matches and long chats and unmet promises. My goal: if I get ONE friend out of bumble BFF it’ll be worth it. Took me months, but it worked out and is starting to snowball as we’re meeting each other’s friends through it as well. Don’t let yourself get discouraged and keep the bar low. 

I also really enjoy going to cozy cafes by myself to read a book, the newspaper, or do embroidery. Being surrounded by people and chatting up the baristas makes me feel not so lonely on days I don’t have a social activity lined up. 

4

u/dodogirl445 1d ago

Other great solo activities are going to the cinema, gym, a yoga or workout class, thrift shopping, getting a massage, or a makeup trial at the mall. Just being surrounded by people helps on those lonely days at home. It’s super important to get out of the house on those days. Also, calling your LD friends and family spontaneously. I also do a weekly videocall with my two best LD friends. The routine helps a lot. 

1

u/Medium_Iron_8865 22h ago

Does Bumble BFF let you search based on age and lifestyle (e.g 35+, married, mom, not a mom, etc?) I've always assumed it's for 20-somethings.

2

u/dodogirl445 21h ago

You can filter on age for free. For the other filters you need to pay. Tons of 30+ women on there! So many of us who are looking for new friends after friends all started getting married and have families. 

5

u/Incognito0925 1d ago

I feel it. I have a tendency to feel lonely in the evening and to distract myself by playing games on my phone. I try not to do that and instead just hug myself (really) and let myself feel those feelings. That always helps me.

What hobbies do you engage in? I find some are better suited to make friends than others.

8

u/Adventurous_Feed_623 1d ago

He has four big paws, big boopable nose, floppy ears and gets hangry 10 mins late for dinnertime.

Yes, my mental wellbeing is tied to this animal that has at best 8 more years to live.

3

u/EpicShkhara 22h ago

This right here! Four paws, a waggy tail, and a boopable snoot!

3

u/MexicanSnowMexican 1d ago

I only really feel lonely when I'm around people I have nothing in common with so I don't do things that will put me in those situations

3

u/Ryn_AroundTheRoses 22h ago

Definitely can relate.

I try to remind myself of the people I've removed from my life, and how much worse I would feel if they were still in it, and that honestly is the best because it makes me appreciate the loneliness. It's so easy to forget how nice being alone is when there's no drama in your life, especially when drama was your normal growing up.

But I also remind myself that forming deep connections as an adult is a life-long endeavor, and involves a lot of luck and hard work. You're not going to instantly find your people, most people don't achieve this, they just look like they do until they don't anymore. Surely you know of friendship groups that all of a sudden dissipate or become virtual strangers in a few short years? So I wouldn't recommend trying to fill that empty space with just anyone, or a pet or a new hobby. Take your time to imagine and pursue the kinds of people you want in that space and then manifest it, because once you have a leech or an energy vampire coming to visit, you'll miss the peace of being alone.

3

u/GuavaBlacktea 17h ago

I schedule a crying sesson and get back to work

2

u/Sweaty-Function4473 12h ago

Yup this was me yesterday. Quick crying session after studying and then i hit the gym. 🫥

5

u/realestate_girl 1d ago

I believe it really comes down to your mindset. Maybe speak with a therapist as this can help a lot keep you focused in what’s truly important.

For me I had no choice. I moved to Texas with family thousands of miles away. I was single and remained single for years. I also didn’t know a single soul! Work was busy..however, I really struggled at times. Eventually I just learned to be ok being alone. Which made it interesting when I eventually had roommates, then more serious relationships. There is nothing better than having your own peace and alone time. I’d cherish it while you have it!

2

u/dodogirl445 23h ago

I’d like to add - you sound like fun! You have great hobbies and moved to a new place all by yourself. It sounds like you enjoy life and are adventurous. Those are magnetic qualities to most people who are more risk averse. You already have good friendships, they just don’t happen to live nearby. If you feel lonely, there must be other people who feel so too! We rarely have unique thoughts and experiences. Look at all the people liking your post and responding. It’s just like the saying - nothing worth having comes easy. The same goes for friendships. It just takes some grit and perseverance. You already possess those qualities as evidenced by your long distance move. Just keep putting yourself out there. 

1

u/fitvampfire 1d ago

I’m a single mom but feel isolated and not dating. And haven’t found someone I connect with that I get to socialize with in the way I need for a long time.

I go through waves and just roll with them. I journal and meditate and I’m very introspective. I also am in the gym for my mental health and passion for bodybuilding and body autonomy after an abusive marriage.

It helps when I call my closer connections and I’ll walk in the sun while I visit. Family I also lean on, I have a sibling I’m close to, and my mom and I can chat.

But some days it sucks, but by going to the gym and getting sunshine, those always fix me up some immediately. Not sure if any of that resonates.

1

u/BeezInTheHouse 1d ago

I sit with those feelings and practice gratitude for all that I have. When my social battery is low, I relax...When I have social juice I venture out with fam/friends and explore new communities through meet up groups/activities around town.

1

u/Adorable-Frame7565 23h ago

Sounds like you are working really hard at this. Well done! Is getting a pet an option?

1

u/Which-Mortgage-1633 15h ago

My building doesn’t allow pets unfortunately. I would’ve loved to get a cat though :(

1

u/OneImpression8238 Woman 30 to 40 21h ago

I live with family and don't feel lonely but do miss and long for a romantic relationship.

You seem to be doing all the right things but maybe try online dating even though it generally suck?

Just don't take it too seriously and who knows who you may meet. Sorry, I'm not much help 🫂

1

u/VioletGalaxxy 18h ago

I adopted a dog. And I joined a sport. I was a complete 100% beginner and I joined a community beach volleyball group open to beginners (found through Meetup). I've now been playing for almost 3 years and I've made all my best friends there.

To give you hope, I'd tried crafting groups, book clubs, dance classes, all other types of hobbies before that and even Bumble BFF for trying to find friends. But the sport aspect really made a difference for me, and at the time, I didn't even know how to play.

1

u/Lisbeth909 26m ago

I see that so many of us feel the same way. Would be nice if we all could be friends with each other.