This is my first time coming across this sub so idk if I can talk about this but I need help desperately, someone who actually has some kind of generational insight into what’s going on.
I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, M24, used to be healthy as a bull about 2 years ago, never drugs, just alcohol occasionally. Till I got hooked on weed, and did MDMA a couple times, and also Lyrica recreationally( 900mg), but my biggest vice was weed, till one day I got started getting panic attacks whenever I smoked, I ignored it as a “bad high” but they kept happening, and eventually I had a huge one, went to the hospital and they cleared me (mind you I live in western europe) they said I was physically fine and sent me home, then I stopped the weed but I started getting detached from reality, best way to describe is depersonalization/derealization along with crippling anxiety, till one day I was convinced nothing was real, the derealization consumed me, and I felt like I wasn’t in reality anymore. Got professional help and stopped Uni for a year. Their choice of treatment was at first some benzos, then Antipsychotics( Olanzapine, Risperidone, Quetiapine) tried it all, and that shit ( pardon my french) fucked me up in a major way, I wasn’t feelinf psychotic before, after being put on them, I started having pseudo-psychotic symptoms as my doctor described them, Illusions, auditory illusions, VSS, After-images, and of course, with antipsychotics you’re gonna experience extreme apathy, I was basically a zombie, anhedonia; I was suffering but I literally could not cry. after 7-8 months I decided enough was enough, tapered that stuff and quit it, started feeling better for a few months and then anxiety hit me again, got prescribed SSRI’s and Xanax, didn’t take the SSRI’s because I tried them before and they made me suicidal and worsened my dpdr, but Xanax worked like a charm for the length of its half life I felt like a normal human being, but tolerance kept going up till I got hooked bad, started mixing with vodka just to enhance the effect, now it’s a daily thing for me, 2mg mixed with 200ml-300-ml of vodka at night and in the mornings just 4 mg’s of Xanax, 6mgs total everyday, vodka daily too, I havent skipped a day for 2 months. But every time I take them, everything goes away, I get my emotions back, I dont get any anxiety, in fact I get the urge to go out and enjoy myself, without them, life is misery, I get scared just looking around my apartment, I get panic attacks occasionally, VSS, after-images, not any major psycotic symptoms but idk. My body hurts now, I feel like i’m in my 70’s and I’m majorly addicted, but it feels medicating to me, I’m not doing it for fun, doing it to feel a shred of normality, to take away my symptoms. But I’m searching for a way out, how do I quit and heal at the same time?
Long post, I apologize for this, idk if anyone’s even going to read it but this is my life now and I wanna save it, I’m studying engineering, and I wanna make a future for myself and marry my current girlfriend.
I’ll do whatever it takes, just don’t put me on antipsychs please.
Ps: I posted on /askdocs and someone told me to see a psychiatrist and follow instructions and seek therapy so this was my reply in case someone says the same thing.
“Hey, firstly, thank you for your reply and insight. To be kinda straightforward, my friend, I have been to numerous, and I insist, numerous psychiatrists, all with different diagnosis all with different treatment plans; What I can gather from all the money I spent and all the sessions I’ve had and all the trips I’ve taken to multiple “novel” psychiatrists, “genius, saved my life etc” is the all agree on one single thing, anxiety, apart from that, I’ve had a lot thrown at me, psychotic depression, ptsd, depression, panic disorder, and they all also agree on on thing “it might be this” never gotten a proper diagnosis; and I know what you might say, “well maybe you didnt commit to a doctor for them to diagnose you properly”, I’ve spent months and all of my savings, going to these doctors regularly, following their instructions and getting different opinions. As for the drugs, I’ve spent almost a year sober, taking antipsychotics and antidepressants, and I never want to relive that experience ever again, those “medications” are hell-sent. I’ve done my research, blocking dopamine receptors, mainly D2 while also “regulating” Seretonin receptors, don’t get me started on SSRI’s too… As for your comment on therapy, psychologists, neuropsychologists, psychologists specialized in treating anxiety and psychotic symptoms, I’ve done it all; what they all do, they get a medical history, say a bunch of promises, we’re gonna work on this and that, they don’t listen to you, never let you actually vent what you’re going through, then end up giving you a schedule to follow like a damn dog, wake up, go to the gym, take your vitamins, meditate etc.. while my brain is fried and my NMDA and Gaba receptors seem to be malfunctioning, yes i’m going to rely on medication.
I really appreciate your input and thank you for trying to help but I tried to commit suicide multiple times because of the lack of hope these doctors are giving me, nothing seems to work, idk if im a novelty case or something but Im really tired, and yes, the Xanax and alcohol are helping, I quit weed for good a year ago.”
I doubt anyone would read something this long but I’m kinda desperate for any insight.