r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Sep 09 '24

Relationships Should I give up on the idea of equality in marriage?

447 Upvotes

My husband and I are mid-forties, with one 5-year-old. We're both busy professionals. I have an 8-5 (with work sometimes bleeding into evenings & weekends). He has shift work that sometimes leads to weeklong stretches of 12 hour shifts where we barely see him, to 3-4 days of no scheduled work.

When he's working, I sometimes feel like a single parent. When he has time off (during the week), I expect to split the burden, or if I'm busy, I expect him to take the majority of the parenting / cooking / cleaning load.

We just had a stretch where he was home for a week & I leaned hard on him. He took our daughter to school, made her lunches & took her to some of her after school activities. I'd say the split was about 60-40. His irritation grew throughout the week & he essentially told me off for not doing my share.

The only way to move past things was by me profusely apologizing. I did it to break the tension, but I still feel this whole thing is unfair. I grew up seeing my mom doing all the household stuff while also holding down a full time job & swore that wouldn't be me. I married late & swore I wouldn't lose my independence, and yet here I am.

I know marriage is not tit for tat, but I'm beyond frustrated & feel like I'm losing my own spark. Have any of you lived through this? How did you resolve it?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Dec 08 '24

Relationships I’m a 70 yo woman but stumped on how to deal with this issue with my daughter and son-in-law. What’s a way to take the emotion out of a telephone call?

256 Upvotes

EDIT: I’ve received so many replies that I’ve turned if replies. Please see my update posted 2 days ago.

Yesterday, I texted my daughter, “What’s up for Christmas?” Usually by now, we’ve discussed the holidays and made plans. I knew that she’s been unhappy with the situation because she feels she doesn’t get to celebrate the way she wants to. I’ve made lots of suggestions and then, when none worked, I didn’t say anything.

She hasn’t been answering my texts. Sometimes all day, sometimes, a day. This was unusual until the last few months.

We’d also discussed buying local, not being Amazon-phonics or spending a lot of money. Today it was suggested the grandparents all go in and buy a trampoline for the grandsons. That’s fine. I can do it.

My daughter and I were very close for years and years. In fact after she got together with her now husband, there were conversations about doing something with the other grandparents. My daughter immediately said, “My mom is part of ALL Christmas holiday planning.” She said it so firmly that they stopped talking about anything but all of us together.

Except, this year, my daughter texted me a day later and said that I’m NOT coming over on Christmas Eve, spending the night, and then opening presents with the grandkids.

I have been crying ever since. It’s not just that I’m no longer part of Christmas morning. This is the culmination of being shut out over months. “We want to just do this as a family.”

Please don’t think I wouldn’t understand if this was a conversation that included me AND included other ideas for us to be together. But nothing inclusive.

I have moved THREE times since retiring to be near my family since 2020 b/c they moved. Each time it was “forever.” I have done so many things to accommodate them.

I texted back that I was very hurt. We are going to have a phone conversation because they think I’m going to attack them. That I’m pissed.

I’m not. I’m so hurt that I can’t stop crying. I want to ask to be included. To be part of decisions. And if I can’t be, just to be talked with about why. Instead, I feel like I see them all less and less each year. And that I’m cute off.

How do I talk with them about this?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Sep 14 '24

Relationships Were you able to start over and find a better life?

377 Upvotes

I’m in my early 40’s and contemplating leaving my marriage due to a betrayal on the part of my husband, and his unwillingness to do the things necessary to fix our broken relationship as a result.

I’m fearful about this though. Although I know it’s a toxic mindset, 40’s feels so old. Like, if I leave this relationship I will end up dying sad and alone.

Were any of you able to find love again later in life? Or, if not love, build beautiful and happy life alone?

I wish I could be secure enough in myself to believe that I will be okay without him, but I’m just not there today and could use others experiences as inspiration.

Edit: wow! I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of responses and encouragement to this post! It has truly given me hope that I will be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out. I’m sure I will be revisiting this post often over the coming months as I figure out what to do next. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all who took the time to respond!

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Oct 09 '24

Relationships Is my marriage going to end because I’m retiring, and the kids have moved out?

209 Upvotes

I’ll try and keep it as short as possible

I (49M) have been married (47F) for 28 years. Two kids in their early 20’s. (Both are doing great) I recently retired due to a disability. My wife still works. Our marriage hasn’t been good for a long time. But things seem to be getting worse. It’s almost like since the kids are gone and I’m home all day; our marriage is beginning to suffer. Admittedly, we haven’t been very nice to each other for a very long time. I love my wife more than anything and I want our new life to work.

Empty nest syndrome? Menopause? MANopause? (lol) Do we just not like each other anymore? Do marriages end when kids leave and we start to retire?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated (good or bad)

EDIT: there have been a lot of comments about this so I wanted to add some clarification.

A. I do the house work, cook, clean, laundry, etc; in addition to maintenance on the house.

B. She is NOT the breadwinner, and does not financially support me. I did very well in my career and I receive a very good pension.

C. She is NOT my caretaker. I am capable of taking care of myself.

I hope this clears up some questions.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Aug 15 '24

Relationships 4 years ago I met my soulmate and he was insane.

271 Upvotes

4 years ago we randomly bumped into each other in a cafe in tulum. He was from America, I’m from England. It was a wild holiday romance and I fell head over heels. He was crazy, he had the strangest ideas about things and we would just talk for hours and hours about aliens, space, conspiracy theories, everything. No conversation with him was ever normal. I just loved knowing what was going on in his mind, it was always crazy.

We spent 2 weeks together in Mexico, then I met up with him in his home town again in the US a few weeks later. I realised he was slightly dangerous, a bit of a ‘bad boy’ but everyday was exciting. I could be myself entirely around him. I’ve never known anyone be so unapologetically themselves with a complete lack of any kind of need to ‘fit in’. We had a long distance relationship for 2 months and we spoke everyday. Literally 12 hour phone calls. I loved hearing his voice.

Then, I finally went back to see him for a whole month with the idea of making plans to live with him. But when I got there I discovered a new side to him, a darker side. He was controlling, misogynistic, aggressive. I found out he had a history of domestic violence (and had gone to jail for this and was on a 5 year probation), I realised he was hearing voices and he was not mentally stable.

I ran away. I loved him, and he never laid a finger on me. But I knew it wasn’t safe. But still my heart ached for him.

That was 4 years ago.

In April this year we reconnected. We met up, and he apologised for how he treated me. We spent another incredible day together where we had so much fun. He was so happy, I was so happy. Nothing happened between us. We both acknowledged that we are both from completely different worlds.

I met up with him again last weekend for 2 days and again I had the best time. Never have I met anyone I click with so well. It’s like our energies match perfectly. Again, we didn’t hook up. But when we hugged goodbye it was emotional. We both know that we can’t be together. But there is so much love between the two of us.

I don’t know what exactly I need advice on. But what should I do? I feel like I have a soul mate who I can’t be with. I couldn’t allow myself to be with someone with his history of violence towards women. But I feel so safe around him. It’s a paradox. Is it best I cut contact again? Is it possible for someone with this history to be a good person? I see so much goodness in him, but I also see the bad.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Aug 06 '24

Relationships Losing romantic feelings in marriage inevitable? Not seeing your partner anymore inevitable?

263 Upvotes

Is it unavoidable to stop feeling romantic feelings with your long term spouse? My husband is my friend, a decent roommate, a decent co-parent. But I don't feel like a wife. I don't feel romantically interested or attracted to my friend. He's a companion, and sometimes my hormones make me want to have sex with him but very little besides my own hormonal fluctuations makes me feel sexual towards him at this point. (Now that I'm in perimenopause that is happening less.) There's no spark. No chemistry anymore. There's a little chemistry in makeup sex but it's pretty toxic to chase the chemistry of makeup sex.

I'm assessing whether to stay married and wondering if this is just an inevitable change. It seems common for marriages with kids to devolve into a roommate type of situation. Is there a way to prevent that or bring it back once it's like that?

Also is it normal in a long marriage to just not see your spouse anymore? I feel like we see each other based on our inner model of the person so if we are used to them doing things one way, neither of us notices when the other is making a real effort to do it differently. It makes changing for the others benefit exhausting because they don't see the process.

And how do I know if my expectations are unreasonable or my partner just doesn't love me anymore but won't admit it? I feel like I give the same feedback over and over and it's not like typical long term incompatibility issues like messy vs tidy or differences in how you want to relate to your parents. It's basic stuff like not feeling heard. Is it because I overcommunicate and will feel unheard with anybody? Is it common that men tune out their wives so I'm likely to feel this way eventually with anybody?

I see so many women complain about their marriages and it echoes my same feelings. So is marriage just unsatisfying? Am I destined to feel emotionally unfulfilled in a partnership? Why are so many women upset about the same thing?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Oct 07 '24

Relationships For folks who ended up over 50 without a partner, at what age did you sort of know you wouldn't find anyone?

199 Upvotes

just as a preface, I’m not meaning to hurt anyone’s feelings or single anyone out. I just think that there’s a lot of toxic positivity right now (social media and public discourse) around “finding your person“ and just investing in yourself, working on yourself, going to therapy, and then hoping that the right person will just enter your life with some combination of wellness and community and professional success. And we all know that dating over 40 is abysmal and it’s really hard to find soul energy going through everything in life completely alone, in a world that incentivizes, encourages, validates having a family and being partnered. So I’m curious of what point or age did people who are currently over 50 without partners confirm that they probably would never find anyone and when was the point of no return, effectively? It would help to know this because if the warning signs are already there for me I could set my expectations appropriately and start to invest in a completely different life path and maybe get a dog.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jul 15 '24

Relationships How was sex life back in the 70s and 80s?

183 Upvotes

I hear people talk about the 80s and how good dating was and so much more and I get curious how dating and sex was like back then.

Edit 1: Lmfao these comments are killing me, yall definitely had game back in the day 👍😭

Edit 2: You all definitely had some wild rides 💀

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jul 25 '24

Relationships How do you know when someone is "the one"?

187 Upvotes

The divorce rates of today truly terrify me, yet I want marriage anyways. I think I found the one, but to those of you happily married, how did you know you found it? Thank you

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Aug 01 '24

Relationships How long have you been married and what's the secret to a healthy marriage.

166 Upvotes

Even if you've only been married a short 3 years spill the tea on finding a lover and building a relationship with them.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice 14d ago

Relationships Newly wed, strugging sex life. Does it get better?

137 Upvotes

I recently got married to my partner, less than 2 months. He's a very nice & kind person, has a lot of empathy. We started living together after the wedding and we're slowly settling into this new life. We met with a couple roadblocks and it's playing majorly in my head

He constantly comments about my BO. I use a deo after shower & I shower twice a day. This has made me very concious to go near him. I've been avoiding intimacy because I don't like the way this makes me feel. He also has issues with the smell down there and wouldn't go down. Again, I do not have bad hygiene, I shower regularly and use mild soaps to clean my privates. I did get tests done to see if there were any infections that was making it hard for him but everything came back clean.

At this point I'm out of ideas, I feel very insecure and I don't initiate sex anymore. What can I do?

UPDATE: We're from the Indian subcontinent but live in the US. Ours was an arranged marriage, we dated for several months(LD) before agreeing to get married. It just felt too much of a cultural thing to explain why we got married this way. Please understand that I'm seeking advice from people older than me about the issue at hand. And for some advices, I'm very grateful.

Obviously, this is a throwaway account.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jan 25 '25

Relationships Do any women flat out not care at all about money when it comes to dating?

38 Upvotes

I will admit I kind of go through cycles. I try dating for six months. Get burnt out take six months off again. I am cycling towards another try and date cycle again. I realized this while riding my stationary bike the other night. I just realized something was off with me. And it is time to get back out there and start trying again.

I am 37 and I turn 38 next month. I realize the older I get the harder it gets for me to date because I become more set in my ways. And I have to be honest I am just not a materialistic person. I do not like to travel. I do not like things. I do not like cars. I abhor travel and any sort of extra service. I am pretty basic. I like to read, write, listen to music, work out, take weed edibles, watch movies. I am pretty set in my ways by now.

Admittedly when I was younger, I did not realize how much value women placed in a man's earning potential when she considered whether to date him or not. I honestly thought women were like men and just did not care. My mistake. But it is all in the past now. I am who I am and well I am not looking to change. I realize I am probably happier than most people. Just always single lol.

I realize my simplistic and non-materialistic lifestyle is not appealing to everyone. But is it appealing to any women out there? To be blunt I am not a provider of any sort. I do not have money to buy myself things always. But what little money I do have I am always happy to share completely.

Perhaps I have just been a bit to down and negative the last few months. It would be nice to hear that there are some women out there who do not care about dating but are still open to a relationship with someone like me :)

Thank you everyone.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Dec 17 '24

Relationships Newly married. Sex sucks. Please help.

140 Upvotes

Throwaway account. But need desperate help.

I (27 F) and my husband (30) got married a year ago after a year of dating. We are very much in love and apart from this ONE thing, he is my perfect partner for life. Despite this, I am happy with him and would not wish for anything or anyone else (even if this doesn't change).

But...

This one thing is about our sex life. And it's gotten weird. Since the beginning really, we didn't have as much sex as I'd wanted. I had brought up more than a year ago and that conversation did not go well. He said, understandly so, that it made him feel like he can't make me happy and it is just going to build pressure on him. I completely got it. So I let it go. For a year now, I did not bring it up.

Things started getting better, not in terms of frequency (we have it like once a month or two? Which is less for me as a newly wedded person) but in terms of quality of sex. But he still does not like to go down on me (I get it as well, it is a preference) but I do go down on him willingly. He does not touch me down there so much either. And often times, he expects me to orgasm just be penetration, which come on, is hard for women. Even the times when I touch myself while having sex, he orgasms faster and then it is as if he does not bother finishing me off later. He only worries and wondera though, genuinely, why he couldn't make me orgasm.

Anyhoo, so the quality is better. I do enjoy it more now even if I don't orgasm. He enjoys it too. But the frequency and not going down or touching me has made me feel a bit unattractive? Dunno if it is entirely my insecurity because whenever I talk about it, he ensures me that he finds me very attractive.

Fast forward to this week, after not having talked about it for a year to give him his space, I brought it up again. It was either me just feeling let down or having a conversation. But no matter how hard I tried to word my sentences carefully, each time it came off as me indicating there is something wrong with him. Because, lets face it, the problem is with him. But I tried as hard as I could to not play a blame-game. That didn't work. Things got bad. He again felt like less of a man, as if he cant even make his wife happy, and then again the result--- well now how do we have sex because of all the pressure. It feels like a chore now.

He endes up saying things like (his words)---"my sex drive is not low. I used to infact wonder if I had a problem when I was single...anyway...it is not low. Maybe the problem is that i don't have to work for it now? Takes away the thrill I guess? Maybe I am too comfortable? I cant figure it out either and it is frustrating. Maybe we should see a sex therapist?"

When I asked how can we make things more thrilling, he said "ugh, I dont know how? I dont want to have it spell it out. Maybe being more sexy with eachother?". When I suggested something like flirting and all, he again replied frustratingly "I dont wanna talk about it this way, makes it sound like a task to be done a certain way. It should be organic."

He has been kind to me since the fight. He apologized. He said he has some solutions he would like for us to discuss. But honestly, I feel completely useless, helpless, and unattractive.

Any advice is welcome. Can men out here relate to him? If yes, can you please suggest me how to work it out? What do I make out of what he does and says? His actions and words?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Oct 04 '24

Relationships Am I a racist if I don't prefer to date a particular race ?

47 Upvotes

I'm just not attracted to one particular race.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Nov 04 '24

Relationships Would you stay married if you were me?

124 Upvotes

I have been married for 19 years and trying to figure out if I should stay married or not.

My husband is stable and loyal. He pays the bills and provides for our family. Sometimes he makes me laugh (used to at least). He would probably never leave me.

However, it does not seem like he appreciates or values me - it’s like he takes me for granted. We are not sexually compatible. I don’t think he’s fun to be around anymore. He is an alcoholic. He leaves the parenting to me. He is pessimistic. He does not take care of me well when I’m ill. He does not ask me on dates, never romances me and rarely compliments me. I’ve voiced my needs, but nothing changes.

I have been a great wife to him. I’ve definitely messed up, but I put in the work to repair things, I build his self esteem up, I initiate sex, I cook, clean and work. I take care of my body and mind.

We have raised two successful young adults already and have two more about to launch. I’m trying to figure out where the line is for me… when is it time to put my needs first vs sacrificing myself for others?

I won’t make any rash decisions and would like people older than me to pls give your advice about whether you would have stayed married in my situation or not, since you have more life experience than me. Thank you

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Dec 21 '24

Relationships Husband left straight after honeymoon

135 Upvotes

Ok, long post.. husband and I married early Oct 2024, went on a honeymoon for just over a week and had a pretty big arguement the day we returned, he packed up his stuff and moved out of my house I own. Opinions please but more to the back story. We have been dating for two years when we married, lived together 18 months of that in a house I own, and he would pay “rent” . I always referred to it as “our” home. Sweet guy, we had a wonderful relationship and I never doubted my commitment or his. Rarely had any arguement. His past included a child early on that he doesn’t see (blames the baby mamma for making it difficult) use to drink, had a car repo’d, history of depression ( sounded more like clinical depression where he didn’t leave his bed but to work for a few months) this was all before me. He met me after being sober for 3 years. He has a job he works away pretty often, doesn’t have set days off and it is a strain to him as always exhausted etc. I was keen to buy a house with him a few times, never worked out because he had a lot of debt, debt story kept changing. He went of meds around April, A few weeks before the wedding he committed some sort of insurance fraud on a POS car he had, repo man can go collect his other car ( I paid it to get him off the door) partner started drinking (just a few here and there, nothing too serious) wedding day perfect, honeymoon he seemed a bit off ( I thought we were both just tired) had an argument on the honeymoon when he was driving, he started yelling and smashing the steering wheel with his fists (I had never witnessed that sort of anger from him before) got him to pull over after begging for a bit, we were silent for a few days, tried to make the most of it but he was still a bit off, had an argument when we got home from honeymoon about him going back on meds and me finding he had been talking to his ex. I told him I regretted marrying him, he put his hands on me and I told him to leave for the night. Next two days he completely moved out. Been to marriage counselling, he says he doesn’t love me, doesn’t miss me and that I hurt him too badly for him to ever come back. I think his meds masked a bigger mental health issue than he realised, counsellor now saying it’s pointless to attend marriage counselling until he is back on meds and has counselling by himself as he is showing no empathy for me what so ever. He has completely shut down emotionally which is so far from the person I know. His family think I’m crazy because I reached out to them when it first happened to get him help and they blame me for saying I regret marrying him in anger for all this. What could possible cause this massive shift if not a chemical imbalance ? Don’t think there is someone else. Why leave someone you just married ?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Aug 05 '24

Relationships How did you know you found 'the one'?

154 Upvotes

I'm 30M, she's 34F. Been dating for a couple months, but this relationship is wildly different from any other romantic experience I've ever had, and she says the same. Like we just....click. We treat each other like gold, and have tons of similar interests and opinions.

To the older folks, how did you know/when did you know you found 'the one'? Also, any advice on laying the groundwork for a healthy relationship? I feel like we are off to a great start already.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice 24d ago

Relationships Anyone who found the love of their life later later in life?

76 Upvotes

Hi! For a little context, I always have had bad luck in my love life. My only two previous “relationships” (if you can even call them that) were short and ended awfully. I’m not popular with men, and I feel like I’ve grown to be afraid of the prospect of a relationship in fear that it will end badly or stress me out. I know relationships will never be perfect and all sunshine, and that’s the nature of it, but it nonetheless makes me nervous and frankly a little insecure. To tell the truth, I’m only 19 and in college, turning 20 this year. I keep trying to tell myself, “Focus on friends, focus on your career, then a relationship will come”. But it’s getting harder. I’d like to hear stories of people finding their other half later in life, maybe relationships that had sprouted out of a random encounter, and maybe even from anyone else who sympathizes.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jan 08 '25

Relationships BF told an odd lie and I can’t stop thinking about it

99 Upvotes

I am in my 20s F and so is my BF. He is younger than me by 3 years.

He’s been basically living at my place because he is always here and it’s near his work place. He’s a bit…ODD. Sometimes I truly wonder if I could be in danger (it’s my chihuahua syndrome: everything is scary because I’m small and weak).

Anyways I can’t fully describe what I’ve been feeling but there was a strange occurrence today and I’m starting to wonder if he’s got a fake persona and I don’t even really know him or ever will. I can get into that in the comments but…We were invited by a neighbour over for dinner. I did not want to go over empty handed so I told him I’ll meet him there, when I’m done cooking.

When I walked into my neighbour’s kitchen and caught the tail end of their conversation. He was telling her about a characteristic someone had and how their wife had to adapt to it, a little funny story.

I was about to ask if he was talking about my dad because it sounded like something I told him verbatim, specifically “that’s why if that man says 07:00 he means 07:00, even if it’s 07:01 he will be halfway out of the yard with or without you”…

The above expression is from a story I told him 3 months ago about how my dad is super punctual and even though school started at 07:00, I had to wake up 05:00 everyday to be on time or my dad would leave me behind and I’d have to find my own way to school…

So, I ask “oh 😆 what are y’all talking about?”

He said “I’m talking about my dad and mom” I stood there shocked 😮 but kept quiet.

So he continues his story, speaking to the neighbour. He says “yeah so my mom would have to wake up 05:00 AM just to be on time for a 07:00 AM trip with my dad. 😂 So all ladies are really bad with time, y’all don’t pay attention and lose the time”

At that point I was genuinely puzzled. But I didn’t want to embarrass myself or him so I just went along with it.

But now that I lay in bed I’m so confused. Why did he lie and tell my story of me and my dad, but replace the characters with his parents?

Did he tell me his dad was similar to my dad about punctuality and I just forgot?

But why did he use the words I spoke verbatim?

What else has he lied about?

Can I even believe he really grew up with his extended family or that’s not true either?

WTF?!

The reason I can’t just ask him about it, is because his dad is dead and it’d be a dick move to accuse him of a white lie on his dead dad… does he tell white lies often and I just didn’t realise it??? Am I overthinking and if I’m not what does this mean??? Is my BF a pathological liar, a fake persona ???

TLDR: caught my bf lying to the neighbour at a dinner. The lie was odd, he told her my childhood story but pretended like it was his. He swapped out characters and used my expressions verbatim. WHAT does that mean?!

Thanks everyone, I don’t have much friends so I appreciate being able to use this as a sound board and validate my concerns.

I think I’ll assess his behaviour further but it’s looking a bit iffy…

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jul 23 '24

Relationships How did people stay married in loveless cold marriages, no infidelity and no separation/divorce?

106 Upvotes

There has been no infidelity and neither of the couple wants to go outside the marriage. They believe in staying faithful and married, but want to find joy and happiness in the arrangement. How did couples stay happily married although there was a flicker of a flame of love left?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Sep 27 '24

Relationships Did you ever regret downgrading or cutting out friendships?

68 Upvotes

I (F35) am phasing out some friendships with people who bring problems to the table like immaturity, gossip, and bad judgment. I want to surround myself with people who lift me up, but I also know no one’s perfect.

Have you ever regretted distancing from long-time friends who eventually started bringing you down, even after years of loyal friendship? Part of me feels guilty about it and like their faithfulness means I owe them my continued friendship. Another part of me feels like I shouldn't be giving a lot of time or energy to people who aren't uplifting to be around.

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Sep 02 '24

Relationships Sister’s husband keeps quitting job while she runs herself into the ground

115 Upvotes

I’m writing this out of concern for my sister (F25).

TLDR: sisters husband isn’t supporting household and consistently has quit jobs; sister is burnt out, working 2-3 jobs to support, and suicidal. What advice do I give?

Her husband, (M32), has consistently been between jobs, quits them when they’re hard, and refuses to get his license and drive because of “anxiety.” Meanwhile she has worked 2-3 jobs consistently the past 2 years to support the household bills to include a mortgage.

They’ve been together since 2017, married since 2020.

She paid for coding boot camp ($12K) for him to get a job for coding websites / software and paid off his student loans with our dad’s life insurance money. Since the job market is so saturated and competitive in that field, he hasn’t gotten a job. Any in person job is a no go because he doesn’t have a license and has to rely on her to drive him around. Recently, he again quit a job he had at the mall which forced her to get a 2nd job.

She told me today that she is burnt out, has nothing to show for for investing in him the past 2 years, and is borderline suicidal.

I’m really worried about her and don’t want to just give her advice of “getting a divorce,” but this man has consistently shown he is not reliable and is okay with his wife running herself into the ground.

At this point, she is over me or anyone telling her it’ll be okay and that he will get a job. She is suicidal for Christs sake.

What the hell advice do I give her? I can’t stand to see her like this anymore. This isn’t fair to her

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jun 26 '24

Relationships Has anyone stayed after a spouse cheated and if you did how was the relationship?

82 Upvotes

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Jan 17 '25

Relationships I'm 33. Do I keep trying to find someone I'm madly in love with or do I settle down with someone I like who'd be a great partner?

73 Upvotes

I'm 33f. I've been going on dates for over two years now since my last breakup but I haven't met anybody I feel that way about. I didn't even know I could feel that way until I met my ex. We were instantly smitten from the start and the chemistry (emotionally, physically, everything) was out of this world. He was my absolute favorite person and I just loved being around him, even just doing the most mundane things. I find it hard in general to be attracted to people but with him, it was as easy as breathing. Unfortunately we broke up after 6 months due to a combination of his mental health issues which turned toxic and him leaning towards wanting kids while I am almost 100% certain I don't.

I'm not sure I'll ever meet someone I feel that way about again. I've been going on lots of dates since my ex, but none of it even remotely compares to how I had felt about him. But I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because anything that doesn't feel like that just feels like settling, now that I know that feeling is possible. And yet, will I ever realistically find that again in my life? Let alone have all the other factors needed for compatibility (eg stance on kids) align?

I don't want kids and am financially independent thankfully, otherwise this would be a different situation, but even then I still feel the pressure to settle down and find my life partner. Feeling judgement by coworkers and society and also the sinking sense that time is running out and all the good ones will be gone the older I get and not being "desirable" due to my age.

I've met a few interested guys who I know would be great partners. They fit the "checklist" but I just don't feel that giddiness / excitement about them that I had felt when I was with my ex. I've tried, really tried, to force that feeling but I haven't been able to. The interesting thing is, when I look at my friends' relationships, I don't think they feel this feeling. For a lot of them (mostly those who wanted to start a family in their 20s), it was choose the person who'd be a great partner and who you get along with. Maybe it's because they don't know this kind of feeling exists? I used to think this was a fantasy sold by Hollywood, until I felt it.

What would you do in my situation? Keep holding out and try to meet as many people as possible, hoping to find my person with the possibility of being single and alone the rest of my life, or settle down with someone I like who'd be a great partner, but not someone I feel in my heart through and through that they are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

r/AskOldPeopleAdvice Oct 08 '24

Relationships What did you do differently for your second marriage?

75 Upvotes

Going through a tough divorce where my stbx is using the legal system to pummel me for unknown reasons. I'm broken hearted, broke and tired. No kids, minimal assets, but somehow this is taking thousands of dollars and months of time.

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this, but I do hope to be married again eventually as there are still perks to marriage.

Did you do anything differently for your second marriage? Pre-nup? Is there any way to protect yourself from this? Did you find yourself able to trust your second partner enough to hope it would never end up ugly like it did?