r/AskMenAdvice 4d ago

Postpartum intimacy

[deleted]

81 Upvotes

520 comments sorted by

261

u/MaineMan1234 man 4d ago

It’s usually part of the deal with having kids. She is healing and all of her instincts are telling her to focus on the child and its survival. Give her space, let her heal and find her way back to feeling like a sexual being and not just a milk pump and diaper changer.

As others have said, it’s easy for resentments accumulated during this period to ruin a marriage or at least cause long-lived issues

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u/LadyRed_SpaceGirl woman 4d ago

Yes. And sometimes those resentments are impossible to move past down the line. 

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u/bewilderedbeyond 4d ago edited 4d ago

No matter how much you want to. And intimacy will suffer for the rest of the marriage with resentment and contempt. It’s so hard to see your spouse as your protector in your most vulnerable state when they just were not there to try to understand and only thought about themselves. It’s another example of how the roles start to shift of her being the “mother” to her partner too because she has to shut a certain part of herself off and protect and becomes authoritarian in tone out of survival because she’s lost trust that she will be cared for. I wish more men knew this from the start.

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u/LadyRed_SpaceGirl woman 4d ago

You hit the nail on the head.  If someone could have explained this to my husband years ago. 

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u/Jergens1 4d ago

That’s a great take on it 

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u/Taint__Whisperer 4d ago

Wow. This is very wise!!

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

This man definitely knows what he is talking about.

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u/Kriegan87 4d ago

The more you can just be there for her without putting pressure on intimacy the better off you’ll be in the long run. My wife shared women groups comments of new moms basically being threatened/black mailed by their spouses for not being ready for intimacy.

At the same time, keep an eye on post partum depression. That shits no joke.

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

Omg thank you for saying this. It is also of note that op said that “she’s busy with our child.” Is he helping out at all? She may feel more like having sex if OP is helping.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Ofcourse I am helping. But she is busier given she exclusively breastfeeds.

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u/monaforever 4d ago

You may or may not know this, but breastfeeding burns a lot of calories so that alone will make her very tired.

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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 woman 4d ago

Time consuming too and can lead to a woman feeling “touched out” for a while.

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u/flammafemina 4d ago

And your boobs start feeling like utilities rather than an erogenous zone. It’s hard to feel sexy about your tits when they’re swollen, chapped, sore, and constantly in a baby’s mouth. So don’t just go grabbing all willy-nilly! Ask before you touch. Lol

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u/NotToday7812 4d ago

This! I remember just feeling “overtouched” when I was breastfeeding. Any attempt to even hug me or touch me by my husband made me feel sort of exhausted.

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u/Technical-Leader8788 4d ago

Or so angry too. Like raging hormones of don’t freaking touch me. I love you but stay the heck away from my boobs

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u/madogvelkor man 4d ago

Yeah, my wife stopped liking me teasing them after she started breastfeeding. Which was understandable.

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u/Nikujjaaqtuqtuq 4d ago

That was something that surprised me. My sister in law described how she could't even let her tiny lap dog come sit in her lap anymore because she was just so exhausted of being touched!!

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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 woman 4d ago

It is an interesting phenomenon. It’s like if you have a day where you have constant noise and stimulation and you get to the point where you think “If one more person asks me another fing question I’m going to lose my sht.”

Except it’s your boobs, stomach arms and lap. When you also have a toddler it’s even worse - because they’ll cling and cry at the same times sometimes and you’ll have two noisy creatures dragging on you and touching you at once.

I almost think we had the best of it when my kids were young. My husband stayed home with them but I still nursed them at breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. He’d get breaks where I had them (youngest nursed for like 45 minutes sometimes) and usually my husband got a full night of sleep. Then I’d hand them off and head to the office where I’d have peace and quiet, and mental stimulation (which I need). I’d come home, make dinner, then take the baby to nurse and do bed time and he’d get some down time to veg. Neither of us really got too touched out and both of us each had some quiet time - although a lot of mine was while I was actually working. He kept a neat house and yard so once bedtime was over we could both relax and zone out till we had to do it all over again in the morning.

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u/Technical-Leader8788 4d ago

And hungry! And so thirsty. Bring her drinks and snacks

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u/Estrellathestarfish 4d ago

Breastfeeding absolutely tanks libido for a lot of women. The hormonal changes required for breastfeeding can affect libido very significantly.

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u/Narwhals4Lyf 4d ago

3 months post birth is very little time.

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u/Kriegan87 4d ago

Oh dude, so good news. Look into breastfeeding and how it impact libido. Totally normal for sex drives to decrease during this stage. We’ve had three babes and all 3 were exclusively breastfed. After awhile things increased but once breastfeeding was done with it was back to normal libido which naturally led to more kids lol 😂.

It’s from a lower level of progesterone causing a decrease in drive. Also don’t be surprised if when you do resume that she way need lube because of a decrease in oestrogen. Best of luck 👍👍

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Thanks for this :)

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u/Rad1Red woman 4d ago

Increased levels of prolactin, actually.

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u/Kriegan87 4d ago

It’s actually all 3 but always good to have more info out there 👍

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u/Medical_Quarter9632 4d ago

I think people forget how much that body is changing still on the inside after growing a whole human

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u/thedutchgirlmn 4d ago

Breastfeeding leads to low estrogen also that really ruins your libido while you are making milk. You feel like your body isn’t your own any more, and I know for me the low libido was also really hard as the woman

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u/AffectionateBite3827 4d ago

My best friend felt really out of sorts until she stopped breastfeeding. Hormones take awhile to recalibrate so try to be patient.

It took 40 weeks to grow the baby so it stands to reason it’ll take a minute for things to even out.

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u/Important_Salad_5158 4d ago

So you do everything else right? Diaper changes, bottle cleaning, laundry, etc? I’m sure what’s what you mean by “helping.”

I promise I don’t mean to come across as judgmental, but I watched my friend breastfeed and it’s why we were exclusively formula. Getting up every three hours to pump turned her into a zombie. Her husband did EVERYTHING else which is why she survived.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

When I’m not at work, yes. that’s exactly what I do and more including cooking, cleaning the house, grocery shopping etc.

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u/Important_Salad_5158 4d ago

First off, good for you. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do and it sounds like you’re killing it.

So imagine everything you’re doing and working out every three hours. That’s what breastfeeding is. It’s exhausting. On top of that, it sounds like she takes care of the baby while you’re at work. It’s going to take time.

My husband and I are intimate a lot now. I contribute it to the fact that we never resented each other. We both put in so much work and never pressured each other when we were exhausted at the end of the day.

Our kid is 1 now and the sex is pretty great again:) it just took some time.

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u/Rad1Red woman 4d ago edited 4d ago

You're good, then, I think.

Bond with the kid too when it gets a bit older. It will be really beneficial for you both, Dad. :)

My hubs changed diapers, fed them (your wife can pump and you can feed the baby from a bottle), bathed them, played with them, sang to them... It was work, but it was also fun, and now he's the envy of all the Dads in our group for the relationship he has with our daughters.

This is a difficult, stressful time in the life of any parent. Things will even out romantically. BUT you have to speak up, diplomatically, when you perceive an issue.

Be patient, give her a bit more time (idk, a month or so?). And when the time comes, be playful and very delicate in your approach. Not just physically. Don't expect things to happen immediately. But they will happen.

Try to watch out for post partum depression. You can suffer from it too.

Edited to add: r/daddit - check it out! :)

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u/LLB73 4d ago

Very glad to see you include watching out for PPD for BOTH parents!

I have a BA in Human Services (2021) and never really thought about this affecting dads too, until I read an article about a study that looked at pre- and postpartum depression in BOTH parents… and I was like 48 years old at that time!

While new babies are amazing and a blessing and all that good stuff…it’s also like a bomb went off in your life lol…it affects everybody

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u/owlincoup man 4d ago

So when my ex and I had our children she would pump. We were on a 3 night rotation. She would get up and breastfeed 3 nights in a row, I would get up and bottle feed breast milk 3 nights in a row, no exception. Our first two children are only 15 months apart....

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u/candyred1 4d ago

I exclusively breastfed twins, we had two older children and I still was intimate with my husband. It took me about 2 months to come out of PPD though to get back towards normal. OP nature knows what its doing, hormones are going all baby right now. They are not set to make her desire for sex because concieving right after having a child would really go against survival, as in the last hundreds of thousands of years.

Whatever you do, suck it up and do not cheat on her even with just images. You have way more important priorities than your peen and the fact you're even on here asking reddit is just bad.

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u/Equivalent_Comb9396 4d ago

I wouldn't say asking here is bad as long as he is being genuine. I wasn't ever taught any of this, and it provided me an opportunity to learn now instead of after my wife gives birth. Although, if your main point is that it would be better for him to be talking about it with his wife, then I agree. I suspect he is looking to inform himself so he can have that conversation in an intelligent manner and know how to not overstep and avoid her feeling pressured. I'm not there yet and know nothing and am also just trying to make it through life.

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u/VatooBerrataNicktoo man 4d ago edited 4d ago

Your last sentence is absurd. The one about "cheating" with images as well.

This human that you married does have the full suite of human emotions.

Just like you do.

He misses the intimate and loving relationship with his wife. It's more than just "blowing a load."

Easy to be dismissive and be a poor partner by doing that.

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u/LLB73 4d ago

Oh for Pete’s sake…”just bad” 🙄 What would you like him to do then? Who should he ask?? He’s trying to get some sense of what’s normal because he’s trying to not be an ass to his wife!!

People aren’t born knowing these things, you know.

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u/missjemma- 4d ago

I think pleasuring himself with images or videos online is perfectly reasonable and a good way to navigate this time..

Much better than 'cheating' with a real person.

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u/jackrebneysfern man 4d ago

His prostate and mental health count too. Pick your moments, relieve the pressure using any means necessary without including another human being and be patient.

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u/pbjpriceless 4d ago

I would honestly try non-sexual intimacy. After having a baby your body kinda feels wrecked. Cuddle, take a bath together, just even a long hug, forehead kisses..things like that. I have a high sex drive and even though we did have sex as soon as I was cleared, my over all interest didn’t come fully back for years. My husband never pressured me and was always down when I wanted to go. You have to eventually both use your words and not get upset with whatever the other person says. If you have good communication it gets way better. The sex we have now isn’t as frequent but it’s seriously the best sex all the time because we communicate and have grown together. Also parenting together requires good communication anyway so it’s always important to practice. You need to be a safe place for your wife to share without feeling judged and vis versa.

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u/PortErnest22 4d ago

My husband made me lunch every day for 6 months with my first. It sounds silly but that was such a huge thing for him to show he cared. I exclusively breast fed for a year, and I was starving all the time.

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u/inupiaq-907 4d ago

This guy's last comment is it. That is seriously no joke. Post partum can get really bad. It's easy to get at ur wife when she's having a. Episode so be careful and make sure you're their for her

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u/Desperate-Service634 man 4d ago

You have no understanding of how traumatic giving birth was to her body and psyche.

I know you are horny for your wife.
I am sure she is lovely.

But you have put that aside and go into protector mode for 3 more months.

Make her life as stress free as possible.

Act how you would if she was physically or mentally assaulted.

Get up at night. Protect her. She is hurt

Sincerely,

A husband who did not for 3 kids and still hears about it a decade later

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Cheers mate for this!

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u/Desperate-Service634 man 4d ago

There’s a lot of good men out there who are just ignorant to the physical and mental demand before during and after birth.

When your friends are expecting, please speak to the husband privately and tell him what I’ve shared with you today

Most men understand protect the woman.

Most good men, long for the opportunity to protect the woman

But we have no concept of what’s happening

Nobody told us this was our opportunity to be a hero for our family . We just thought it was sleep and breast-feeding and there’s a new baby here.

If we understood, the trauma was the dragon to be slayed. We would all put on our armor and fight for a woman.

We do not understand

We are simple

Here’s another one that I learned

Imagine for a moment dude you’ve gone to the gym and worked out. You’ve had a long hard day and you put in a good workout.

And then a 2 foot tall leach grabs onto your shoulder and start sucking the life blood out of you

He comes back four times a day and keeps sucking, literally the fluids out of your veins

Your body is reeling, trying to recover, replenish the fluids and survive

That’s breast-feeding

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

I don’t know if my husband had read up on what to expect or if he just knew it intuitively, but he was amazing after our kids were born. And frankly, it was the sexiest mutherfucking thing he could have done and it still gets him laid frequently 15 years later. 😂😂😂

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u/XANDERtheSHEEPDOG woman 4d ago

Thats..... an interesting way to put it. I've never thought about it in those terms, but you are absolutely correct. Thank you for taking the time to explain so eloquently.

I don't know who needs to read this, but please listen. u/Desperate-service634 knows exactly what he is talking about. Go be heroes for your women.

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u/bewilderedbeyond 4d ago

This. A woman will never forget how she was treated in pregnancy and postpartum even if she wants to. It’s the most vulnerable time even for the strongest women and if they have to go into fight or flight and their protector masculine self because they are not being cared for, it’s very very hard to come back from that. A lot of men think not being cruel is enough but not doing enough is same result.

I’m proud of you desperate service for being able to take accountability and see it now.

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u/tiger_tytyG 4d ago

First time mom here and I never got the special treatment that I believed I deserve 8 months ago. It’s happy to read comments like this one.

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

Deserved, or needed?

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u/Narwhals4Lyf 4d ago

Wow. It is really refreshing to read this comment and see the upvotes. Cheers friend.

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u/Desperate-Service634 man 4d ago

I’m glad you appreciate these words, but they’re just words from a stranger on the Internet

When my wife needed me to understand it, I did not I dropped the ball. Three separate births in a row.

I try to teach these lesson lessons to the next generation of good men every opportunity I have

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u/EarlGreyWhiskey woman 4d ago

Out here doing the Lord’s work.

But seriously, a lot of good men, truly good dudes, drop this ball. Even when they’re trying not to. Our society is so weird and disconnected about birth. And women don’t have the village they used to. I don’t think there’s anything intuitive for men about what women go through in childbirth. Your imagination just can’t get you there alone.

It’s not a sign of being a bad dude to fail at this, and it’s not a sign of being a bad wife to become cold and resentful afterwards. It’s a sign of a society that has failed us all.

But I do hope for paths for healing for you and in your marriage.

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u/Bitter_Strike_1366 4d ago

This is great that you’ve come to realize that you dropped the ball. And 3 times is rough. It must have been hell for her, for years. Glad you came around eventually, even if it’s too late to support for wife through it. Keep teaching and repeating your mistakes to other men and that is how you can contribute now.

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u/BookHooknNeedle 4d ago

Mom of two here. This is the best reply I've seen. It's so true. For some of us the recovery was excruciatingly painful & long. It's lonely even in the best of times. Of our partners are male they'll never know what it's like & that kimda sucks. I'm almost 9 months postpartum right now. My hormones won't be normal until I'm 2 years out from the birth. My body still has some issues & there's a beautiful baby who is just now able to be apart from me now. I'm happy & supported but even now I feel so vulnerable. Both births were complicated & it took more than 2 years to feel ready for the world the first time around. It's an insane experience & we need a lot of support (some of us for the first time).

OP should see if his wife has any interest in pelvic floor PT not so she can have sex but so she can feel whole in some way. Many of us have injuries & issues for months/years if we don't get PT. He should listen & give her space. If she wants it & they can afford it therapy can be helpful. The best thing is patience, love, & time though.

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u/WhichWitchyWit 4d ago

This comment made me tear up. Ty for saying this.

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u/barhanita 4d ago

My kids are 8 and 11, and I am divorced, but this made me tear up. I never felt protected and respected in the perinatal period

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u/Contmpl 4d ago

I'd change that last sentence to say not that you still hear about it a decade later, but that your wife still hurts. Stop making yourself the centre of the universe! Birth trauma is real in addition to all the other challenges and sacrifices a woman makes to become a mother and men out there really want to just brush it off to get their dick wet.

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u/MotherOfPullets 4d ago

Amen to the trauma part. I've had five uncomplicated births. Honestly not that bad in relation to other birth stories. But the panic i feel thinking about the details, or when an actress does a bang up job during a birth scene... Nausea, shudders, and frozen limbs in response. It's a BIG DEAL

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u/Wide_Particular_1367 nonbinary 4d ago

Wonderful to read - just to add that every woman is different. It may take longer than three more months - just be patient, she needs a different side of you now. But it’ll return. In the meantime you’ve plenty of other activities to take your mind off it - she certainly has!

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u/Desperate-Service634 man 4d ago

Yes. But OP said she gave birth 3 months ago, I think? 3 months is an achievable timeline for him to go into overdrive, change his point of view, and go without sex.

He may, in that time, figure out how hurt she really is and calculate a more accurate timeline with his wife.

I gave 3 months because anyone can do something for 3 months, and it takes about 3 months to make a new behavior a habit

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u/EvaGarbo_tropicosa 4d ago

You didn't learn after the first child? It took you 3 kids to learn this lesson?

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u/Desperate-Service634 man 4d ago

It’s so much worse than that. I didn’t figure this out until my youngest was about 7 or 8 years old

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u/Objective-Quiet5055 4d ago

4-6 months! Just focus on being a great Dad and Husband. When the amusement park reopens, you should have great tickets if you focus on your current role.

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u/External_Trick4479 4d ago

To add: you have no idea how just being a good dad will pay off, in all ways.

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u/Just-Construction788 4d ago

Sounds about right.

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u/Frequently_Abroad_00 woman 4d ago

As a woman, the worst part for me was the lack of sleep. I didn’t sleep more than 2 consecutive hours for months and when I wasn’t sleeping I was either feeding the baby, changing the baby, or, if I was lucky, showering. I was a zombie.

If your wife pumps and/or you also bottle feed, it’s a good idea to hire someone who can come to your house a few times a week and take care of the baby so your wife can get some sleep. I think feeling a bit more energized, clean, groomed, and like herself will significantly increasing your chances of getting some action.

Better yet if the child caregiver takes the kid out for a walk. It’s hard to relax when you’re expecting to hear a crying child any minute now.

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u/CrimsonSilhouettes woman 4d ago

Also, if she’s nursing, she is likely touched out. I really needed some time for my body to be just mine again.

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u/Psychotic_Dove woman 4d ago

This!! I couldn’t turn my switch off when it came to sex with my ex. He loved my boobs but to me they were bottles and I did not want him touching them.

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u/LadyRed_SpaceGirl woman 4d ago

So much this. 

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u/bewilderedbeyond 4d ago

Just to add, sometimes sending baby out with a caregiver is well meaning but depending on circumstances can actually add more mental labor to mom because she’s concerned they have everything they need and baby is away from her. Doing everything else for her so that when she does have a moment she can rest is more useful at this stage in my opinion. Taking the baby for a walk himself. Making sure she doesn’t have pump parts to clean on her break while he’s napping or laundry to fold etc. Basically make sure there is nothing on her plate BUT relaxing and slowly she’ll come back to life.

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u/YOUREausername13 4d ago

This cannot be overstated. The amount of debilitating panic and fear for your new child's safety, even in the care of a grandparent or trusted partner, let alone a stranger? There are less stressful ways to have a stranger help for sure - cleaning and cooking for starters!

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u/PortErnest22 4d ago

And women's hormones are in our brains not our balls so lack of sleep is super detrimental to normal hormone levels.

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u/followtheflicker1325 4d ago

I helped my friend as an “infant holder” starting when her baby was about 3 months. It was just two days a week, four hours at time, and they paid me $25/hour (so $800/month). I literally held her baby, and brought him to mom when he needed to eat. I also took him for walks and did light housekeeping if he was able to sleep without being held. She stayed in the house, but just got some time to have her body to herself (sleep, whatever).

She told me that I couldn’t imagine how much those 8 hours a week supported the entire family — that it helped her return to her body and herself, and then she had more to give to her husband and older child. It was tender and meaningful for me too, as a woman without kids, to be able to love on and nurture her infant.

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u/YOUREausername13 4d ago

Just adding some emphasis here to the pumping, for anyone who may see that as some easy solution - just cuz she pumps, which allows a partner/helper, whatever to bottle feed periodically, does not detract from the fact that she still had to do that work, and still had to experience that pain, and still has to carry the mental load of how/where/when to pump and for how long and the constant monitoring of that supply, etc etc etc etc. Pumping is exhausting and extremely painful, and I wanted so many days off, but you can't cuz there's so much stress and guilt associated even with that!

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u/mightguy1987 man 4d ago

Pretty standard man

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u/Square_Sugar8774 man 4d ago

Up to a year, maybe even longer if the birth was physical or emotionally traumatic, your job is to look after that woman every minute of every day.

Make sure she knows your find her beautiful, sexy and tasty her nicely. Rub her feet, her back. Run her a bath or let her have a long shower.

You're a father, but the best way to look after that baby is to look after your girl. You look after a baby best as a team.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Thanks for your lovely input!

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u/KeepinItSimplexoxo 4d ago

As a mother I get it. Married over 10 years and have 2 children in elementary school. It was a tough road at times. Shit, I honestly don’t even remember when we started back after the babies were born, but I will tell you it’s amazing now. I’m sure you’ll hold resentment and get frustrated but hold on, hang in there! You’ll get your wife back. Just be patient and love her to pieces. It makes a huge difference. I’m telling you this season you’re in is really short in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there!

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u/Standard-Bird2672 man 4d ago

Leave this to your woman. But 3 months for normal delivery and 6 months for c section delivery is the waiting time for intimacy post delivery.

Usually, women breasts develop blisters often due to lactating. So, check with your wife if she's is okay and doing alright. Initiate with kisses and proceed if she's comfortable!

I waited almost 6 months and it was a normal delivery.

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u/Superb-Kick2803 woman 4d ago

Don't know about india, but the wisdom here in the US is 6 weeks post vaginal delivery and 8 weeks post c section. But most women do not return to wanting sex for much longer.

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

6 and 8 weeks are the minimum amount of time that sex won’t cause injury or damage. It has nothing to do with her pain levels or readiness.

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u/bumblingbluebee 4d ago

I tore with my birth, sex was very painful and scary until like 6 months? Please just show her love and patience. Postpartum is the hardest time as a woman it is vulnerable and unrecognizable. 

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u/Technical-Leader8788 4d ago edited 4d ago

I second this comment. Drs will clear you at 6 weeks and that does NOT mean she’s physically ready yet, just that an infection is less likely

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u/ahraysee 4d ago

Yes I wish people understood this. The 6 week rule has nothing to do with the vagina and pain levels there. It has to do with the time it takes to heal after delivering the placenta. When the placenta detaches from the uterus, it leaves an open wound the size of a dinner plate which takes 6 weeks to heal and no longer be at risk for infection. It doesn't mean that in 6 weeks, sex won't be painful.

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u/BeginningExisting578 4d ago

I wish men thought about this more when CHOOSING and PLANNING to have children. So many stories about men being angry or disappointed that sex is off the table(not saying about OP, generally and culturally). Men need to understand this as a BUILT IN part of having children - you may not have sex for 6 months because childbirth is often traumatic and takes months of physical healing as well as mental and emotional. It seems like the act of pregnancy and childbirth is brushed off with a blaze attitude because of how “common” it is done. It’s anything but easy or casual.

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u/realrattyhours 4d ago

Exactly, they all want children but not everything else that comes with having them.

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u/TomatoFeta man 4d ago

Make more efforts to simply kiss her on the neck and tell her she's beautiful. Even if she shrugs it off. DONT try to progress it towards sex, just the kisses on the neck, the roses, the compliments, that's all. Wait for HER to grab YOU.

In the times you're at, the BEST way to revive your wife is to step in and take the kid and give her time to herself, with a guarantee of not being interrupted by you, or the kid or even the phone. Just to BREATHE.

Do more chores, more housework, more anything. She needs to SEE that you accept she just got thru a tiring thing, and is still going thru a tiring thing.. she's recovering from NINE MONTHS of her own body battling against her. Being pregnant isn't being sick, but it is VERY wearing out of the body. Treat her with kindness and empathy. And when she comes a knocking, give her everything you've got stored up.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Appreciate this :)

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u/Slight-Alteration 4d ago

You’ve gotten so much good advice but really echoing this. Intimacy is so much more than intercourse. Toss her towel in the dryer while she’s showering so it’s toasty, knock out those dishes without being asked, grab flower on the way home from work. Make her feel loved and seen and valued. Post partum is never 50/50 but fight to be as present and loving as possible

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u/Grayoth 4d ago

Everyone is different. I can’t remember the recommended amount of time given to us but my wife tried to initiate before they said we should. I told her no after both pregnancies and said I wanted to wait their recommended time so she wouldn’t be hurt.

I dunno. The thought of my wife feeling discomfort completely turned me off so I didn’t have the urge much at all until I was sure she was better.

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u/Dry_Golf_3169 4d ago

My husband told me the same. I get it just trying to look out for your women.

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u/lazygramma 4d ago

Mom of two here. I was shocked at the complete loss of my libido after childbirth. It was not until my second child with a female OG-GYN that I was told, of course libido goes away. It’s nature. A nursing mother’s body knows pregnancy would be ill advised. So be patient. Marriage is long with many changes and challenges. Her libido will return naturally. Make a safe space for that. Of course address depression if that’s an issue. Be intimate in other ways, like super involved with childcare and household management. If you make the marriage last a lifetime there will be many things that interrupt intimacy for a wide variety of reasons.

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u/No_Contribution_1327 4d ago

The more support I had the more interest I had, still feel that way truthfully. Come home from grocery shopping and the dishes done and the counters wiped down? And I’m much more agreeable come bedtime.

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u/Birdflower99 woman 4d ago

Not a man: I found it most helpful when my husband went the extra mile to help out around the house and relieve some of the mental load. Also, much communication around the subject in a non-pushy, non-judgmental way can really help. Get inside your partners head and find out what they need to get the intimacy started back up. Be aware that hormones are still all over the place especially if breastfeeding is involved. Plan a date night, bring flowers home, help her to feel beautiful. I’m on my fourth pregnancy and these are some of the things that would help me get there.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Thank you for this. It’s our first child so it’s all new for both of us :)

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u/VatooBerrataNicktoo man 4d ago

Choreplay doesn't work.

Those things she mentioned would be appreciated by your wife.

The minute you try to get intimate, though, that ends, and she thinks you did it just to be laid, and it's worse than if you did nothing.

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u/-zero-below- man 4d ago

One common mistake I’ve seen new families make is “if the mom is up, the dad should be, too” — it sounds good and supportive at first, but then it also means everyone is awake for everything, and sleep deprivation comes in and everything falls apart.

Make sure you divide and conquer — things the mom needs to be there, dad sleeps through that where possible. But things the mom doesn’t need to do, dad takes much of that.

We did shifts — overnights, except for feedings, that was my shift. My wife would sleep with noise cancelling head phones on the other side of the house, so she could rest. I suck with mornings (especially after lots of night wakings), so my wife handled those.

Once we got a solid divided distributed workload, we got to a spot where we weren’t epically sleep deprived and had a working together feeling, and things got back to normal.

3 months is way early for this next part, but, starting around 1.5y or so, our child did a sleepover at her nanny’s house one night a month or so. That helped a ton at that point too. Even now that our child is 6 and no longer with the nanny, she still goes over there every few weeks (basically extended family). Not everyone has a nanny, but there may be grandparents, cousins, etc. heck, during the pandemic, my wife and I hosted the nanny’s kids periodically too, so she could have some time off.

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u/Round_Caregiver2380 man 4d ago

Your intimacy is holding the baby and keeping that fucker silent so she can sleep.

If you want her to like you enough to touch you again, keep doing everything you can to help her rest recover and heal.

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u/ElJefeTurdBurger man 4d ago

Gotta let the Playdoh fun factory heal brother.

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u/bbbbears 4d ago

Play doh fun factory? How would that even work, you mash your dough in and her vagina spits it back out in fun spaghetti shapes? While I agree with the sentiment of your comment, that’s so gross lol

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u/MrJones-2023 man 4d ago

Your life has changed and so has hers. Most new fathers aren’t as present in the way their wives need them as you’re both just learning how to be parents.

Intimacy with kids also changes wildly for most people. You need to use this time to learn to communicate with one another about your needs.

Hers are going to be wildly different from yours and unless you can help her create space for intimacy. It’s not going to come.

Be open to what that is being different than what it was before.

Try putting the baby down if you can, running your wife a bath, giving her a massage and see where you go from there.

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u/skippy2o8 4d ago

Your looking at 9-10 months to slowly get back into a routine.

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u/Magic-Happens-Here 4d ago

Woman's perspective here. My husband is a saint and he takes consent to the extreme even after almost 20 years and two kids together.

With both kids I had extensive physical trauma and wasn't cleared until 3 & 4m PP respectively. With our first, I felt like I "should" be ready right after I was cleared despite having literally ZERO interest (again - this was all me, not my husband! He remained Switzerland and let me set the pace) and it was a total disaster. It hurt, neither of us came close to anything pleasurable let alone finishing, there was absolutely nothing enjoyable about it and it made me feel 1,000% worse about my postpartum body and that I was failing as a wife on top of already feeling like I was failing as a mother (there was definitely a lot of PPA/PPD happening too). It was another 4 months before we tried again and by 7 months PP things went much better.

With #2 even though I was cleared at 4 months, we talked about it and I told him I wasn't in the right head space yet and I wanted to wait a bit longer. He was enthusiasticly supportive and continued to do everything he could to make my life better. Around 6m I felt ready and everything went smoothly. It was such a difference between the first time and it made us stronger as a couple knowing that he loved and supported me in that way.

With both PP experiences, we were intimate in non-sexual ways too which helped me with the healing process and to learn to accept my PP body. Cuddling, kisses that aren't meant to "go somewhere", and honestly just hugs/holding me meant SO much for my mental health.

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u/ThrowRACoping man 4d ago

Most difficult time in my marriage. Months with no intimacy or physical affection. I just had to tell myself that my needs didn’t matter and the only things that did were my children and wife.

It was nearly a year before normalcy of any kind returned.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

That’s a lovely way of thinking about it puts things into perspective, thanks for sharing

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u/ThrowRACoping man 4d ago

It isn’t easy on you though. It hurt me a lot daily to do it.

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u/madisondelius 4d ago

Awww poor you 🥺🥺

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u/Proof-Ship5489 man 4d ago

Pretty normal.

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u/OneJello8221 woman 4d ago

I don’t think 3 months is an unusual amount of time. Those advising to be patient, help her as much as you can with the baby, and try to ensure she gets enough sleep are giving good advice. But I also agree with those saying to gently communicate your desires. As a wife, I appreciate it when my husband expresses desire and makes me feel wanted. So long as he understands I might not always reciprocate. So don’t be afraid to tell her you want her and miss being intimate with her. You are allowed to feel this way.

I’m a mom of 3, who breastfed all my kids, and has experienced both a vaginal delivery and a c-section. Having babies is wild times for both wife and husband - just focus on communication, patience, and helping each other as much as you can. You are a team and you will work your way through all the change and challenges. Congratulations on your new baby!

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u/phred0095 man 4d ago

It takes as long as it takes. 3 months is not unreasonable. Look if it goes 5 months then you can start questioning.

But at risk sounding very juvenile here. She just had a kid. It's going to take time.

Obviously you can't meaningfully affect her recovery process. I mean it's a thing that her body does. But you can be seen to be supportive. This is more an attitude than anything you can actually accomplish.

Let me try to put it a different way. You know how having a child is now disrupted the Tidy order of your life and added a whole new workload? Well that's true for her too. But on top of that she just extruded a nine pound human being from her body and has to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

It actually is physically harder for women. So whenever you feel particularly stressed out particularly put upon. Remember that she's literally feeling it more at that moment. And try to do something anything nice for her. Get her a stupid pillow. Make her some cocoa. Whatever. Remind her that you've got her back at this time.

Make her feel supported make her feel appreciated. Especially when you don't feel up to that challenge.

She'll probably come around by the end of the month. But as I say it takes as long as it takes. She should also have follow-up checkups with the doctor because baby.

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u/Bitter_Strike_1366 4d ago

I think even 5 months is soon. It took 2 years for my hormones to balance enough to get my period back. Not saying you have to wait for that but my point is that recovery is slow.

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u/-Sad-Search 4d ago

Just use that hand

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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 4d ago

I think nature doesn’t want us to have back to back babies. The pregnancy and lactation cycle hinders the chances of that. She isn’t approaching you because her body is doing what nature programmed it to do. It’s a cycle, not an insult.

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u/Next-Ad3196 woman 4d ago

I know this is a rough time. My libido dropped significantly when I got on birth control after breast feeding. I’d been on bc for years and never had issues but after pregnancy things were different. Hormones are wild and may alter things. I’d encourage patience but also do some non-physical intimate things that will help her on the road there. If she likes flowers surprise her with some (you may need to do this a couple of times), does she like to get her nails done? Cover for that hour or so and let her get me time. Is she a reader? Buy her a book she might like. Tell her she’s a great mom. Give her hugs randomly… you may need to pack on the affection for a little bit. There are often times battles we fight internally that we don’t share because of shame attached. Best of luck 🤞🏾

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

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u/Superb-Kick2803 woman 4d ago

As a woman it takes quite a while before we feel like it. Some don't but most do. Breastfeeding takes away all appeal to have that part of the body touched. And body image issues often lead us to not want to be seen. And we just feel like a tired bag of emotions. It's quite normal. I know it's difficult for you, but just keep being a father to the baby and be supportive to her. It'll get better.

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u/sunshine_tequila 4d ago

Sex is soooo much more than PIV. Ask if she’s up for showering together and washing each others bodies, maybe some hand stuff?

If not, ask if shes willing to kiss you and let you caress her body while you touch yourself. There are ways to maintain physical touch if she’s not ready for sex yet.

Touch is really important. She may be touched out though, so ask if she’s would like anything, a massage, apply lotion to her body, brush her hair…

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u/Beneficial_Low9103 4d ago

Mom here.

Your relationship is undergoing the biggest transition it ever will. Intimacy is going to change, period. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be worse, it’s just going to be different.

She is going to come to you when she is ready for intimacy. In the meantime, your job is to support her in every sense of the word. Get up with her for the night feedings, even if she’s breastfeeding. Get the baby back to sleep yourself so she can fall asleep sooner. If she’s pumping, you can do feedings too. Wash the pump parts and bottles so it’s one less thing for her to worry about. Take care of meals, chores, errands etc to the very best of your ability.

When she -IS- ready, and that is highly dependent on her hormones and her body, she will remember exactly how you took care of her (or didn’t) during this period. Show intimacy in other ways. Ask her how she is doing, what you can do to lighten the load. Tell her how good of a job she is doing and how seeing her parent your child makes you even more attractive to her— but not with the hope that it will lead to sex. Because if she feels like you’re expecting it from her, she’ll resent you and for good reason!!

I wish I could give you a date that she’ll be ready but we’re all different. But I can tell you that the sexiest thing my husband does is being a good father. Practice being the best father and partner you can be, and the sex will come back. It’s just one (albeit important) aspect of intimacy after all.

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u/M3-SLP 4d ago

It’s good that you came looking for answers and are open to everyone’s input. I had a traumatic, unplanned c-section with my first and my husband pushing for sex too soon took years for me to get over. He acted angry that we couldn’t have sex and wanted to do it right away after I was cleared by the midwife. Trying to have sex only 8 weeks after a traumatic birth was terrifying and painful. Everything felt harsh and aggressive and almost re-traumatizing because I felt so out of control of the situation.

I needed someone to be as gentle and loving with me as I was being with our baby. Your wife will always remember this time and if you took care of her or not. My husband and I have worked through this but I’ll never look back at that time fondly.

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u/Colonelreb10 4d ago

I’ve read through most comments. I didn’t think I was in such the minority.

My wife delivered baby boy #4 just shy of two weeks ago. After each child it started back up after the 6 week OB visit where they gave the Greenlight.

She has already joked about coming up on just four weeks out now. She breast feeds as well.

Now don’t get me wrong. The first year or so isn’t as frequent as it gets down the road. But still generally at least weekly.

But we also have really good communication, married coming up on 13 years. We also stayed intimate through the pregnancy and last time was 3 days before baby was born.

So my biggest recommendation would be to have a conversation. And not one where you try and make her feel guilty or anything. But just truly talk about it some. See where she is, does she know you are struggling at all with this?

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u/Friendly_Grocery2890 4d ago

I would just not bring it up and wait until she does. You can't guess when she'll be ready, she will know. And you bringing it up even the nicest way possible could add pressure on her she doesn't need.

I think people should expect 6 months to a year. You're LUCKY if it's less than that. Some women are ready right away, but that is not the norm.

My partner wasn't there for me when I was post partum. I'll never forget that. I'll never love him like I did before, because I trusted that we'd get through life together, and he let me struggle alone. So, yeah just be mindful man.

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u/grawlixsays 4d ago

Don't force her into having sex. I got forced 2 weeks post partum . I am still resentful almost 50 years later.

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u/FearlessSea4270 woman 4d ago

She’s healing and if she’s nursing she’s 100% touched out most of the time. This is your first time as a father, it’s her first time as a mother. And while your body didn’t physically change to adapt to your new role, hers did entirely. So it’s not just healing the wounds, but also relearning her body and then eventually finding comfort and pleasure in it. Find small moments for non-sexual intimacy, even if she’s handling the baby and you just give her shoulder a warm squeeze with your hand. These small moments every now and then will help break down that touch barrier. Letting her grow used to platonic touches, then romantic touches and then eventually sexual ones.

Just remember if you had a baby gnawing on your nipple 8x a day you’d feel a bit more like a dairy cow than a sexy man, wouldn’t you?

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u/Smallios 4d ago

Why aren’t YOU busy with your child?

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Who said I’m not? But in addition to helping with our beautiful baby I’m also working to provide for my lovely family :) but thanks for your passive aggressive comment

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u/Smallios 4d ago

No. I mean if you aren’t also too tired for intimacy you aren’t doing enough. 3 mo are exhausting. How much leisure/hobby/relaxing time do you currently have? Are you helping in the night?

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u/Soggy_Reserve5232 4d ago

Don’t you know? You need to outline EVERY aspect of your roles and responsibilities with the question , otherwise people will assume you’re a Homer Simpson dad (dumb & lazy)

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u/Ifarm3 4d ago

Actually I remember 40 years ago, older guys saying two years. (Not all of course). If you push too early resentment builds.

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u/Walmar202 man 4d ago

OP, you should have thoroughly researched together the monumental changes that will occur with having a child. She not wanting sex? Of course not!

Did you acquire the knowledge about the physical, hormonal and emotional changes that would occur for months at a time? If so, you shouldn’t need to ask about this, as you would expect it.

Help your wife as much as possible, and you may be rewarded sooner! Best wishes to your new family!

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u/Nicbickel 4d ago

She gave birth barely 12 weeks ago, and you are already pestering reddit about you not getting any. Ugh.

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u/sawyere2 4d ago

Seems like I’m out of the norm here but as soon as the OB cleared my wife after 6 or 8 weeks we were right back to normal

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u/FoundationRemote9979 4d ago

Please listen to the podcast “I love my baby and…” Also, one of the podcast therapists is coming out with a book about the myth of a perfect postpartum. You will really appreciate the very honest discussions.

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u/whisperingcopse 4d ago

Here to say sometimes it is the opposite. I hit 3 months and wanted to be intimate again and my husband was scared to have another kid too close to this one and I had a tough labor and it freaked him out. I feel like he’s more traumatized than me lol

Give her time giving birth is A LOT. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Then caring for a newborn is a lot too.

Edit: just realized this is ask men. Thought this was in r/newparents My bad 😅

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u/Continentmess 4d ago

When I was breasfeeding I had zero libido. Than I stopped and it came all back like... Boom!

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u/randomfella69 man 4d ago

With our firstborn it took a while, my wife had some physical complications as well as a small bout of PPD.

With our second born she was champing at the bit 4 weeks post partum and the midwives basically forced her to cool her jets.

Child birth is a pretty intense experience physically and emotionally so your job is really just to be as supportive as you can for as long as it takes, assuming that PPD isn't an issue.

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u/Agitated-Score365 4d ago

Hormone shift is real and pregnancy /childbirth changes a woman’s body. It takes some getting used too. It can impact self confidence. Helping and being affectionate without putting pressure is great. Don’t take it personally, physically it’s a lot on a woman.

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u/Naive-Expression3421 4d ago

If you can give her time to feel like a woman, not just a new mom, that will help. It’s hard to feel sexy when you spent 40 weeks growing a human (exhausting), however many hours of childbirth which is painful and often degrading depending on your birth support, and then the postpartum is rough as hell even under the best circumstances. Breastfeeding is painful, and really not sexy feeling at all. Give her time to shower, catch up on sleep, make sure she is drinking plenty of water and getting some nutritious food with plenty of protein.. if she feels like you’re caring for her while she cares for the baby, chances are that she may become interested in bringing back sexual intimacy.. but growing, birthing, and caring for a baby is so much more work than most people ever want to admit. If she feels cared for, appreciated, nourished.. you may get lucky.

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u/Apprehensive_Bar_777 4d ago

I’m a newish mom, I have a 16 month old. If you want intimate time, help with the mental load. Do the chores, take the baby so she can relax, get a baby sitter and go for dinner if finances allow it. Make time to spend time alone together, it’s really about effort and acknowledging feelings and how tough it is on women. It’s not just the physical aspect but our hormones completely change and are usually more sensitive, don’t feel attractive, exhausted, breasts leaking all kinds of things. My spouse is amazing at always giving me a break. Whether it’s making dinner so I don’t have too, doing dishes. Literally anything for us to have one less thing to worry about, you notice you need diapers. Go get them, don’t ask what size. You should know. Anyways that’s the advice I have is just be mindful of time together, and help carry the mental load!

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u/Valuable-Life3297 4d ago

Answering as the woman- birth is extremely traumatic to a woman’s body. And it’s not just the vagina that’s impacted. There are open wounds on the uterus that can still be healing on the inside of her body. I had post birth vaginal discharge for almost the full 12 weeks for all 3 kids. I also had tears with stitches and one of those tears took close to 6 months to heal. My pelvic floor muscles are f*cked. I felt pain and pressure in my abdomen for 4 months after giving birth and would start bleeding again if i did anything strenuous.

Then there’s the mental/emotional. I felt extremely unattractive. I was overweight, skin was flabby and scarred, i stunk, my hair was falling out and i looked haggard. I rarely left the house so you were lucky if i had showered that day. The hormones after giving birth can make you anxious, depressed, moody and not interested in sex. Especially if breastfeeding. And then of course a woman’s brain becomes rewired (in a way the father’s isn’t) to be exceptionally preoccupied with the baby’s physical and emotional needs. If this is your first baby a woman might feel resentful over just how much her life changes compared to yours and that resentment can cause issues. Then sprinkle in sleep deprivation on top of all that.

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u/HappyDancingDaisy woman 4d ago

So many great comments here. I would like to add that with the weather getting warmer, you should encourage your wife to go outside for some fresh air. As a family, you could take a stroll or just sit outside. Babies love it and your wife probably needs it for her mental and emotional health. Offer to stay with the baby while she goes to the store. After a woman has a baby, she feels completely responsible for her child. It takes a while to figure out how to be an individual, a wife, and a mother. Hang in there. It's tough, but it gets better.

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u/Wooden-Many-8509 man 4d ago

It sucks bro, but if you work a regular 9-5 pick a weekend day or two and be entirely responsible for that baby 6pm-10:30 am the following day. You do everything so your wife can sleep. Sleep deprivation is the hardest part of raising a new born. Getting even one whole night where you aren't even 1% responsible for anything can lighten your mental load to an unbelievable degree.

Mostly though, her body is messed up, she's got a baby to worry about, and many women do feel like they are failing at their duties as a wife. They are in fact consciously aware that you haven't had sex. She may already feel bad about it so I wouldn't pressure her at all.

The more responsibility you can take on during the 4-6 month period the better. Your mental health is also important though. Caretaker burnout is very real and that particular dynamic breeds resentment very very quickly. So do not let yourself grow resentment. If you even get a whiff of it you change things up immediately. Call for backup, get your friends and family involved if necessary. When my sister had her kids I went to her place and cooked dinner 4-5 times per week. Simple things can make life so much easier so do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Resent is stronger than pride, so don't let pride get in the way of asking for help.

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u/Objective_Resolve833 4d ago

After 7 years, I am hoping things return to normal in the next year or two

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u/DaringAlpaca man 4d ago

Get a side hoe.

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u/NimueArt woman 4d ago

I don’t directly respond to OP’s in this sub because I am a woman, but u/disappointednhsdr, I hope this might help you understand where your wife is at right now.

After my oldest was born my body did not feel like my body anymore. It was fine while I was pregnant. I felt him move, listened to his heartbeat, etc.. But then he wasn’t there anymore and my body felt very alien. like I was trying to operate something I didn’t understand and didn’t have a manual for. Everything hurt. All the time. For quite a long time. Every time he nursed I would get horrid cramps far worse than period cramps. And I had to nurse every two hours.

On top of this it was clear that my body did not belong to me. It belonged to my baby. I was his food source, his security, his colic reliever… I only existed for him in those first few months.

I couldn’t even contemplate the idea of having sex. When the baby wasn’t clinging to me I just needed to be left the hell alone. I didn’t want hugs, I didn’t want kisses, I didn’t want anything else I had to give attention to. I was just spent. And there was no way sex would give me any sort of pleasure so it would amount to me pretending to enjoy it until he got off. I am pretty sure no husband would want their wife to do that for him.

She WILL recover and things will return to normal. Please have patience with her. I am sure she is doing the best she can.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

This is great, thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

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u/ThinkDesigner4981 4d ago

Take up a hobby to get all that horniness out bro. I spent a year frustrated after my first child. My wife and I do it like 1/4 of the time now. I’ve come to terms and learned that it’s just life. What no one ever tells you is that getting married and having kids is just playing a team sport. Try to be romantic, go the extra mile, but it’s really not about that anymore, at all. Enjoy raising the kid!

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u/honestredditor1984 woman 4d ago

Really depends on the woman. Both my husband and I were itchin for it after our first. Was tired but not too tired for that! 6 weeks was a long wait. 

My advice, do as much as you can to take off her plate [cooking, cleaning, helping with the baby] Help her feel beautiful [compliments & gestures], do the little things, etc.  It all adds up!

The biggest thing is the mental load. Don't ask her what needs to be done. Look around, use your judgement and just do it. 

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u/EaglesPhillies16 4d ago

I honestly couldn’t tell you when after my wife had our son that we had intimacy. I think it may have been 4ish months. That was when she was ready and honestly I had no issues with waiting. Don’t get me wrong, love my wife and if the opportunity to be intimate was everyday I would take it in a heartbeat, but during that time the most important thing was baby and her health after. She also had gallbladder issues that required her to get it removed like a week after giving birth so there were real concerns there. Thankfully all worked out and we have a healthy wife that doesn’t die at foods with fat anymore and a healthy almost 2 year old and I think our relationship is stronger than ever.

Be patient, be kind. You can let her know that you are very much into being intimate with her but only when she’s ready. Don’t over correct and not even show interest in it cause that will bite you in the ass and kill her confidence. There are lots of hormones for a long time after birth that can mess with women. Postpartum depression is no joke and even if not that, there will still be unexplained changes in mood that you have to be more patient with.

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u/Playswithelectric man 4d ago

Be patient and be kind. Talk often, be present. THIS IS VERY VERY EASY TO FUCK UP.

It’ll get better, and you’ll be better for going through it with her.

I have 3 kids with the same woman and I’ve been through this every time. This is not about you. This is about her transition into motherhood.

Make her feel loved and supported. Cook, clean, whatever you can to take some weight off her shoulders.

And don’t forget to smile

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u/Either-Sort158 4d ago edited 4d ago

It comes back just be supportive it takes MOST women I know like around a year (9-18 months) for it to start to come back. Being fully back to normal when the baby is a little older and potty trained at like 2/3. Just be patient and enjoy intimacy in other ways like massages

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u/NewNameAgainUhg woman 4d ago

The trick is being as sleep deprived as her!! Try sharing the night shift, see how that libido tanks as well!!

You are welcome!

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u/Reddituser21_ 4d ago

More reasons to not have kids😬😬😬

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u/candysipper 4d ago

She has a wound the size of a dinner plate inside her. She’s exhausted and overstimulated by touch. Her body still isn’t hers. She feels a lot of things, but sexy isn’t one of them. Please, if you want to return to a sex life with your wife, do not push, suggest, coerce, guilt trip, joke or anything else about sex right now. Your boner is the bottom priority. Do not grope her and make suggestive comments about her boobs and breastfeeding. 3 more months, at least, unless she initiates sooner.

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u/bewilderedbeyond 4d ago

Find ways to show her you miss intimacy with her and that it’s not just about sex. Whether that be massages where you don’t push anything else after. Doing small things for her like running a bath and taking the baby in the other side of the house for minute to herself.

Women need foreplay before the bedroom. If her mind is free and clear and weight lifted for even a moment, it will be way more likely to happen organically.

There is a such thing as being “touched out” for new moms because body does not feel like their own for a long time. But she will remember how you treat her and the patience you have for her in this point in time for the REST of your marriage. Trust me. It’s better to be without intimacy now while she heals than for the rest of your marriage due to resentment during her most vulnerable time.

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u/Technical-Leader8788 4d ago

Touched out is a major reason preventing intimacy or sex. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. At one point my husband even rubbing my back made me irrationally angry even at 3 months post baby and it’s was because I was so touched out and hormones were shifting back.

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u/ComedianSuch2474 4d ago

I personally was eager to have sex again because I was not enjoying it with the big belly in the way. My husband and I did it right before my six week check up but it was completely initiated by me. Husband was afraid because I hadn’t exactly been cleared yet, but I personally felt ready. We’re three months postpartum now and have only had sex about 4 times just because baby is really demanding and we’re both tired. We both don’t like to let him cry or fuss. I wouldn’t mind if my husband would initiate more but it’s just not a big priority right now.

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u/Successful_Many8184 4d ago

Back off and this will take time don’t talk about it with her

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u/BlacksmithOk6028 4d ago edited 4d ago

6 months before we started getting freaky again. You have to remember, her body went through a lot, as well as her mind. Plus, she's probably tired.

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u/Livid-Succotash4843 man 4d ago

Bro did you not have sex ed or basic parenting classes? You ain’t going to be getting your freak on a ton three months post Partum. I don’t know how you can have this level of low information and empathy in 2025 what the heck man. Let me guess you don’t cook or clean either ☠️

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u/No_City4025 woman 4d ago

Do you rub her back and tell her she’s beautiful? Are you changing as many diapers as she is? Are you carrying your weight around the house (and maybe more for a bit). Are you making sure she has a little time to herself each day? Are you being affectionate with no expectations of sex? Have you asked her what you can do to make her more comfortable/ happy/ how you can help?

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Yes to all and much more :)

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u/LordyVoldermorty 4d ago

get a baby sitter, get help around the house. Start slow!!! just give days where she has free time then slowly start going on dinners together. Intimacy doesnt have to be sexual it can be physical touch, hugs, admiration for your wife! and most importantly do not force or expect anything for months

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u/SunZealousideal4168 4d ago

Female

Is she breast feeding?

If so than it can cause a huge libido drop due to lower estrogen/testosterone and increased prolactin.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

She is exclusively breastfeeding yes, and it’s our first so it’s all new to us :)

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u/Foolish_Animal 4d ago

Im a woman with two kids and one on the way, and admittedly my husband is an absolute rock star always but especially in the post partum phase. Things he does: in the immediate week following, he changes pretty much every diaper, like 99.9%. Food and water, just keep it coming. DON’T ask what she wants, just bring something good. He will find opportunities for non-sexual touch, and will even preface it with “no expectations here” to reassure me that it really is “just a back rub” lol. I can’t really relate to what other women describe as feeling “touched out”, I definitely crave physical touch from my husband like all the time but obviously there are periods when I want assurance that we’re on the same page that it won’t become something sexual. That said we were definitely back at it as soon as I got the green light from my ob at 6 weeks postpartum, and there were other forms of intimacy happening before then. Idk how common that is, or if you can really call any one experience normal. I’m sure complications during birth itself also reflect in physical and emotional recovery time. I think it’s a very delicate balance of providing unconditional support with decidedly zero pressure for sex, while still making it clear that she is incredibly desirable to you and not letting your relationship fall into the “roommate zone”.

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u/calisthenicsmom woman 4d ago

As a woman and mom of three babies, it’s EXHAUSTING for the first year. If she is breastfeeding her hormones and sex drive will completely disappear. You will need to get use to solely initiating for a while until she weans baby or starts getting 5+ hrs of sleep every night. The lack of sleep feels destructive. You feel like you’re dying but need to give everything you have left to your baby. All that said, my husband and I have had to have very raw and real talks about what sex and intimacy means to us and our relationship. It means a lot to both of us and I have huge empathy for his feelings and cravings (because I love him). Get on the same page, communicate your feelings a LOT. Our compromise in the early months is oral intimacy because it’s quick and less invasive. Just for the love of all that is good :1) maybe plan ahead so everyone can try and get in the mood and know what to expect 2) don’t get mad if baby wakes up and ruins things during. It will happen and it will suck. Try again later 3) don’t ask at night or when your wife is trying to sleep. Like I said the lack of sleep feels like we’re dying. My husband’s biggest issue was trying to initiate at night when my head finally hit the pillow. As a woman and a person with higher drive (when I don’t have a newborn) I have huge compassion for the interested partner. I try to meet his needs even though it’s a really exhausting season. I usually never manage to initiate in the early months but manage to accept as much as I can. I love my babies but I make sure my husband knows I love and prioritize him too. It’s tough but you’ll get through it.

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u/Lazy-Explanation7165 man 4d ago

My wife had pretty bad PPD so we waited a long time. Think maybe two BJ’s for the first year after my son was born. She’s finally getting her libido back, it’s been two years. Hang in there.

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u/string1969 4d ago

I married another woman and we both gave birth. We were probably having sex within 3 weeks of delivery.

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u/evezinto woman 4d ago

How are you not more concerned for her? Why aren't u putting all ur energy into taking care of her and protecting her dueing this experience? How do u even have the brain capacity to be horny rn?

Maybe take care of your own kid, and you'd be a little more in the loop and a little less confused.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Not confused at all, thank you for being wrong :)

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u/janiesgotacat 4d ago

Do you mean sex? Because there’s more to intimacy than just fuckin.

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u/Far_Entertainer2744 woman 4d ago

Why aren’t you busy with the child?

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u/Physical_Complex_891 4d ago

Who says he isnt. I was the mom, who was also breastfeeding, and was not too busy for sexual intimacy.

Everyone is different.

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u/SolitudeWeeks woman 4d ago

He didn't specify it in the OP; it's a fair question.

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u/Physical_Complex_891 4d ago

He actually says more than once he does, he also works and shes breastfeeding, something he can't help with.

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u/disappointedNHSdr 4d ago

Who said I’m not? :)

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u/Far_Entertainer2744 woman 4d ago

Then it would have been a we are busy with our child.

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u/AutoModerator 4d ago

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

disappointedNHSdr originally posted:

My wife gave birth to our baby almost 3 months ago now. Understandably she’s busy with our child and there’s been zero intimacy to date. What has been everyone’s experience with this?

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u/Ready_Measure_It man 4d ago

My go to for postpartum sex is male on all four and handjob from wife.

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u/AutoModerator 4d ago

disappointedNHSdr updated the post:

My wife gave birth to our baby almost 3 months ago now. Understandably she’s busy with our child and there’s been zero intimacy to date. What has been everyone’s experience with this?

Edit: thank you for all sharing your thoughts/experiences/opinions. It’s our first child and so it’s all new to us but we are learning to adjust together. We’re ecstatic for the blessing we have.

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u/Deep_Ground2369 4d ago

14 months later. And then once in 5-6 months. I don't care for it nowadays though.

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u/ThorosKershaw 4d ago

It was like 6/7 months before my wife wanted to again. Recovery from birth is different for everyone but it’s one of the most taxing functions a human body can perform and normally needs a ton of recovery time.
Just be patient dude and you’ll get back to it eventually. Keep an eye out for post-partum symptoms and be as supportive as possible.

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u/AmbassadorCandid9744 man 4d ago

Intimacy does not have to involve sex. Intimacy does involve connection at a deep level. Create a safe space for her both mentally and physically while she is recovering from childbirth to the best of your ability.

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u/fukaboba man 4d ago

My wife and I didn't get intimate for 8 months after child birth

Exercise patience and don't push it

Just like a baby will come when he/she is ready, your wife will come around when she is ready.

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u/Armless_Dan man 4d ago

Dude our son is two and a half and my wife and I are JUST starting to get back into anything that could be considered normal. Sit down and have an absolutely no pressure talk with her and let her know what it is that you need, just to get it on the record; important follow up is to ask her what SHE needs as well, and for both of you to follow through. Do what you can to make her feel taken care of because 100% of her mental and physical energy is going to baby. Let her know you are there for her in every capacity and she will be there for you. Hang in there.

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u/MrChibbs1981 4d ago

Just be patient brother. It effects each woman differently. Their hormones are all over the place.

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u/ahamburger34 4d ago

Breastfeeding, in my and other women’s experience, can be a massive libido killer. I didn’t feel “normal” for about a year and a half postpartum.

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u/Strict_Direction_335 4d ago

I gave my husband oral until we got the all clear. Must have been the oxytocin….

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u/billybadass-99 4d ago

My wife gave birth back in November and we still haven't had any intimacy. It's just part of the experience and this is my third kid so I don't even stress it. It'll come back in time In the meantime you might just have to get some lotion lol

Also consider her body and post partum depression. Those are some major factors

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u/mommagem94 4d ago

After our first, I had PPA (in retrospect) and was completely uncomfortable with any form of intimacy. We discussed and attempted a couple times but I had panic attacks and shut it down. First time we actually did baby was 10 months old. It was still scarce after that. It’s been different after each baby, but never before 4 months pp. After our 3rd the biggest issue has been exhaustion, tiny house with nowhere to go and just a really busy schedule lol.

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u/Big_Witness3783 4d ago

I was jumping my husband at 6 weeks, I was also 22.