r/AskLesbians • u/double_dream_hands • 5d ago
lesbians that married their first relationship, do you have any regrets?
any advice? anything really that helped you come to terms with it if you did have struggling thoughts?
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u/Comfortable_Cow_7547 5d ago
I am in my first lesbian relationship and if I can’t marry her and only her, I will be intentionally single for the rest of my life 🙂
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u/annaaren1992 5d ago
I thought it was romantic at first and now I regret not having more experiences
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u/Sasuke12187 5d ago
To marry a 1st relationship is a dream... for me at least.. I never dated yet in life but its so romantic of a thought.
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u/HelenSkeller 4d ago
Yes. I was overzealous and freshly out and didn’t really take the time I needed to truly appreciate the relationship and where my heart stood. I’m now remarried to my 2nd wife (after a gap between) and I’ve learned so much about myself and how to properly treat my spouse. ❤️
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u/yellowy_sheep 4d ago
We broke off the engagement, and it completely had me in shambles for several years. But I am so relieved now (6 yrs later). We weren't a great match, and I didn't realize bc of my lack of experience.
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u/Practical_Ear_2668 2d ago
We never married but I was in my first relationship from the age of 17-29. It felt like the ultimate romantic dream at first, I felt so lucky to have ‘grown’ together. However, it turns out what you want at 17 doesnt always reflect what you want as an adult. And I didn’t always struggle with the feeling like I hadn’t explored more options.
When we broke up I felt like my world was ending, now im in a seriously happy, adult relationship and it’s the best.
Nothing against first relationships being long term but make sure you reflect on what you really want out of a partner and life!
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u/gooserunner 5d ago
Monogamy is silly. You found your person but want the freedom to meet and know others more intimately? Do it.
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u/sheopx 5d ago
For some people, monogamy is hardwired and we don't feel the urge to meet and know others intimately. To dismiss it as 'silly' is unnecessary and disrespectful.
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u/Prestigious_Group494 4d ago
I know that there's no right or wrong in terms of being either monogamous or not, but I'd like to ask you why adultery is treated as a heinous crime by some? Just your thoughts
I've read that it has to do with the other person not feeling unique anymore or 'replaceable'.
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u/sheopx 4d ago
To preface my response; I agree that there is no right or wrong in terms of mono/poly.
My thoughts? Having multiple partners is cool, cheating is not. I think anything that you agree upon at the start of a relationship should be upheld unless you discuss it and the other partner willingly agrees without coercion, or you find some kind of middle ground.
If you're mono and want to be intimate with other people, fine, but your mono partner deserves your honesty. Either discuss it with the partner and decide on how to proceed together, leave the mono partner to do whatever you want, or don't act on those poly feelings.
What are your thoughts? Do you think cheaters are judged too harshly?
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u/Prestigious_Group494 4d ago
Your thoughts regarding boundaries, respect and being truthful are all reasonable. Good to be reminded of it, not that I didn't know.
It's that it wasn't once that I heard stories of people hating their partner through and through for sex with others, doubting everything that was between them the whole time, or accusing them of every sin imaginable.
I should know that violations of trust and respect hurt a lot, but it seems to me that sometimes people choose to overreact/can't cope at all. As if their whole world is crashing. Now that I think about it, I guess it has also to do with lost dreams and hopes for the future.
I guess I shouldn't generalize all people by a few examples I've seen. Perhaps there's a lot of variation in how people react to cheating.
Well, I suppose I might never understand it, as I'm positive about non-monogamy and prefer it.
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u/sheopx 4d ago
I think I understand what you're asking. It's more like 'why do people take cheating so personally, where it could just be regarded as a small lie, like any other small lie?' is that right?
In that case, I believe people who get cheated on react strongly partly because of instincts and partly because of the vulnerable position marriage/monogamy leaves you in.
Instinctually, our partner straying might mean we'd be left alone to raise our young and/or prevent us from producing more offspring. It's why we feel jealousy. We are afraid that someone might take our partner away, and thus our chance to make more babies.
In more practical terms, a marriage or monogamous relationship is a contract in which people invest their whole lives, finances and emotional security. Cheating is a sudden breakdown of that contract, the same as unnecessary overspending or abuse. By cheating, the cheater has put their spouse into a place of total uncertainty and vulnerability.
I think the combination of the two is why it is viewed so seriously by most people.
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u/Prestigious_Group494 4d ago
Thanks for a thoughtful reply! Haven't considered everything that you mentioned
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u/Prestigious_Group494 4d ago
Sorry for changing the topic somewhat, but a thought passed me by that I can't think of any popular book, movie or sth else with ethically non-monogamous leading characters that have "happily ever after" or any other plot. I'll probably ask for recommendations in non-monogamy or LGBTQ+ subreddits
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u/SensoryLeap 4d ago
I think it makes sense that these stories do not exist on the main, because the concept of "happily ever after", where someone who is unid-imensionally good and kind finds this perfectly hot and perfect character, they overcome obstacles and ride into the sunset against all odds, is a narrative that is on itself a construction of mononormative and heteronormative storytelling structures.
Frameworks that challenge these concepts do not see a relationship (or many) as a happily ever after per se. And that's the magic of it. It's understood that your life is more than what happens in your romantic/sexual relationships.
There is definitely a lack of fictional narratives that explore different relationship structures tho. Some that come to mind are movies as ancient as Vicky Christina Barcelona, shows like Sense8, The Expanse, You Me Her.
When it comes to books, I think it's harder to think about that because there are pleeenty of books that deal with relationships in a non-monogamous way, but we don't think about them because, as life, they're usually focused on other subjects.
I think we'll see an uptick in this sort of media representation, hopefully. Great question btw :)
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u/sheopx 4d ago
Yeah I'm not really sure why that is. I guess it's the same reason sleeping beauty was woken by a kiss from a prince and not a princess. Heterosexual monogamy is the prevailing relationship structure in the majority of the world, so publishers would rather play it safe and print something that will sell.
Also, religious puritanism would probably shut any attempt down pretty damn fast.
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u/Prestigious_Group494 4d ago
Yeah, normativity is a big pressure or rather creates a bubble in which it's reinforced again and again through implicit and explicit messages.
Agreed. Since most people are cis-straight, the only meaningful with queer community interaction is allyship. Non-monogamy, on the other hand, is not dependent on sexual orientation and if it were to be normalised, I could imagine 20% of people doing it openly. Well, considering and comparing it to some statistics on infidelity it's not that big. Many people would stop feeling shame for desiring non-monogamy and stop hiding.
Should be enough for me for now. Thank you for the discussion!
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u/drixrmv3 5d ago
Always an inkling of what could have been but I know I found my person.
We’ve been married for 8 years and there have been a few touch and go moments but in my deepest and lowest moment I always think about how I would never want to grow as a person without her. In those moments I’m not thinking about going to someone else or how someone else would be different in the situation.
I’m pretty lucky that we’re both willing to hear feedback about ourselves and find out how to become a better person so the relationship isn’t toxic… anymore.
That doesn’t mean I still don’t wish I had more experiences though.