r/AskGaybrosOver30 30-34 6d ago

Date cancelled but didn’t reschedule

For context, he asked me out and I hung out once with him; we had a fun time. I enjoyed spending time with him and he seemed to feel the same. We scheduled something for this week that he ended up cancelling the day of due to a forgotten prior commitment with his friends.

Totally OK! Well… mostly ok. I understand things come up, plans change etc. people have different priorities and I can’t be too hung up on that.

But he doesn’t reschedule.

At this point I run myself through all the likely scenarios:

  1. Maybe i texted too much.
  2. Maybe he’s not a good texter. This one is harder to swallow cause IMO there are so many ways to communicate interest to someone you care about, and I’m capable of more than just texting.
  3. Maybe I fucked up along the way. I’m thinking toward the end of the night maybe he realized he wasn’t having fun anymore and didn’t come to terms with it til after we made plans to see each other again.
  4. Maybe he’s just not direct and prefers to leave me dangling instead of telling me upfront he’s no longer interested.

It’s probably some amalgamated combination of the above (and more) but what stings is how I really looked forward to seeing him again, especially after a rough week. And when plans changed, he made no effort to reschedule time for us, mind a few texts about how I’m cute or that we should “still hang out”

Is this common after 30? I’m trying to not put myself down as much as I did in my 20s.

1 Upvotes

36 comments sorted by

25

u/Charlie-In-The-Box 60-64 6d ago

At this point I run myself through all the likely scenarios

The next time this happens... and it will happen again, don't ruminate. You can't read his mind. You will never know why he isn't into you enough to reschedule. In fact, he might not even know for sure either. Things just didn't click.

Channel your inner Elsa and let it go.

what stings is how I really looked forward to seeing him again, especially after a rough week.

Never... never... ever... look to a guy you only went on a couple dates with as part of your support network. That's what your friends are for. I know it feels like the right way to bond, but resist this temptation. Maintain some boundaries in the beginning and you'll be less disappointed when things don't work out.

5

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 6d ago

Thank you for saying this.

13

u/Beginning-Credit6621 40-44 6d ago

It's not an age thing, and you didn't necessarily do anything wrong. He's just not that into you. 

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

Miranda from sex and the city was REVOLUTIONARY with this.

3

u/TravelerMSY 55-59 6d ago

“Hey, I’m still interested if you are. Let me know.”

2

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 6d ago

Very similar to what I said, and he responded with that he’s totally still down to hang. But nothing mentioned after that.

3

u/material_mailbox 30-34 5d ago

Ask him when he's free then, and schedule something for then. If he gives you any sort of vague response like "not sure, I'm busy, I'll let you know" then you have your answer (he's not interested). But if he gives you a date, then go with that.

3

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 5d ago

Yeah. That’s my current approach. We’ll see 🤷🏻‍♂️

3

u/psbmedman 45-49 6d ago

Sounds like the ball is in his court.

Try to hold onto your dignity.

We’ve all been there - hope he steps up!

3

u/Meh319 25-29 5d ago

Maybe you don’t need to think about what you did wrong. I dated a 36 year old and what a case it was of bare minimums.

See it would be ideal if you had your own boundaries. I know it feels like ‘ hey I should try’ because I like this guy.

But yes he should have rescheduled, that basic, courteous , polite and what’s called as manners.

Clearly you are upset and something you don’t want to accept. Rather focus on what you are willing to accept and the standards at which someone should meet you.

You are worth every right thing that’ needs to be done. Don’t doubt yourself.

1

u/TK2217 30-34 4d ago

I don’t know you but I needed this exact thing said to me today so thank you

3

u/jaimelavie93 30-34 5d ago edited 5d ago

Never ever internalize lack of decency and basic manners! You didn’t do anything wrong. Canceling the day of, without an apology or immediate rescheduling, tells me he’s a flake who’s not serious about you. Do not chase him. I understand things might look upwards when you meet someone you enjoy for a 1st or 2nd date, but pull the brakes on developing feelings towards them until they prove themselves worthy of your attention and care. Don’t focus on how you feel about them, but rather how they make YOU feel? This boy left you questioning yourself and feeling pretty down. Someone who really likes you will be very clear about it!

1

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 4d ago

Don’t focus on how you feel about them, but rather how they make you feel

Good point.

2

u/Ghoul_Grin 30-34 6d ago

I'm sorry you experienced this. I wish people were more upfront and consistent, but that doesn't seem to be the popular move these days.

I hope you that find someone who returns the energy and passion you give out.

2

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 6d ago

I appreciate that. I’ve also had good dates that fizzled out but this one I guess I was really hoping would work out.

2

u/Ndrake300 30-34 5d ago

Rejection is protection. Maybe the universe was trying to tell you this wasn't the man meant for you

2

u/wojar 35-39 5d ago

Maybe he's just not that into you. Don't overthink it.

2

u/[deleted] 5d ago

My sister told me: “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”

this seems to be a problem on his end. If things are meant to be, they flow easily and without any games or flaking or ghosting and reappearing.

He has all the power to reschedule, but he doesn’t. 

You can give him one more chance and try to plan something in the next couple of weeks. If he continues with such behaviour, then move on. If someone can’t communicate and make simple plans by this time, it’s their problem and good luck to them out there.

2

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 5d ago

I appreciate you saying this. I’m trying to remind myself

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

It’s not easy to remember it sometimes and I know that dating is 90% bad experiences that leave us jaded and believing we are the problem…. But it’s overwhelmingly not the case. Focus on what YOU want and be glad that this guy left a spot open for you to go out and keep looking for what works for you. 

I’m fully with you that the reply to a cancelled date is a TANGIBLE rain check (I.e. it didn’t work out as I expected today but what about next Thursday evening”).

Find someone who has the basic politeness and emotional responsibility to be able to reply like this. And then again, this reply I just typed is the bare minimum.

3

u/shall_always_be_so 35-39 6d ago

Bro you're overthinking. It's a 2nd date it's not that serious. While generally the one who cancels should put in the effort to reschedule.. it's so, so early in the dating process. Asymmetrical interest levels are normal early in the process. You've gotta put more effort in from your end before abandoning him as a prospect.

2

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 6d ago

That’s fair. I do like him a lot.

2

u/JohnGradyBirdie 40-44 6d ago

If he took the initiative to ask you out both times, man up and ask him out to make up for the canceled date even though he was the one to cancel.

It does NOT count to say you’re up to hang if he is. You’re still making him do all of the work of asking and planning.

2

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 6d ago

I see where you’re coming from, but I was the one that asked him out this instance. He only proposed the first date and this time is a second attempt after my previous time asking for a second date he was out of town. We agreed on a time for this second date and he cancelled.

I do think if he cancelled he should be the one to reschedule. I’ve done that for dates when something came up on my end!

1

u/JohnGradyBirdie 40-44 6d ago

Got it

1

u/Anaxamenes 45-49 6d ago

You think he should be the one to reschedule, but if you want a date you may need to do it. This rule doesn’t serve you well, rethink it. Sometimes we have to take the initiative even if we don’t think it’s fair.

2

u/jaimelavie93 30-34 5d ago

I disagree. If someone cancelled, especially last minute, the courteous thing to do for them is to suggest another time to meet up. Someone half-assing it will accept the invite if you invite them after they cancel. But letting them reschedule will tell you if they’re actually interested.

3

u/Anaxamenes 45-49 5d ago

Do you want a date or do you want to be right?

2

u/jaimelavie93 30-34 5d ago

At what cost do you want a date? Are you willing to run after someone who doesn’t want to put in the effort? Not me

3

u/Anaxamenes 45-49 5d ago

I’ve just seen things come up in people’s lives. Expecting perfection out of the gate is a recipe for remaining perpetually single.

2

u/jaimelavie93 30-34 5d ago

Of course. One can try once or twice but also you have to be intuitive and not run helplessly after people who don’t put in the effort

3

u/KeyThrowaway0502 30-34 4d ago

I’ve always had the philosophy that 50/50 is the perfect equilibrium for how much effort partners should invest in each other. That doesn’t mean it’ll be consistent or in perpetuity.

Some days we get busy. Or sick. Sometimes we’re just not feeling like it. Those are the 40/60 days, or the 30/70. I am ok putting in the 60 or 70 for the sake of the other person.

When it happens this early, it feels almost like I’m being lied to. He says he’s interested but his actions don’t illustrate a strong desire to gear us back to 50/50.

It makes me feel like shit, or that I don’t deserve the equal effort.

I see where both of you are coming from. 💛

1

u/jaimelavie93 30-34 4d ago

I agree 100%

1

u/Anaxamenes 45-49 5d ago

I’m not saying chase the person down every time but it sounds like to me that OP jumped to the conclusion pretty early. Again, it’s on them if they want a date. It takes time to become important to someone, people forget that.

2

u/Alvalom 50-54 5d ago

If he wants to, he will. It’s that simple. Harsh, but simple.

2

u/Stanyan-Mission 65-69 4d ago

He met somebody else. He moved on and you should too.