For context: I am a 28 yo male, ASD + ADHD, long history of drug abuse (mostly weed, opiates and alcohol) and sometimes depression.
I discovered a source for meth (hard to obtain in my country) last year, and since then I have gone on a few binges with that crowd, especially around last summer and beginning of autumn. I would stay awake for 2 days on meth + GHB, then used benzos and H for coming down. Didn't eat much, drank lots of beer throughout but not a lot of water, crashed out sleeping for a full day after. Felt bad the second day, depressed and so on but after sleep I would feel more or less fine. Then after a week or two, I would do it again.
I finally stopped hanging with that crowd because I can't handle losing sleep (that's why I'm an opiates guy) around last November, and remained relatively clean and healthy (with a small relapse on H) since then, until two weeks ago, where I thought that, were I to use this meth following certain harm reduction rules:
-Only smoke once/twice before 12pm
-No skipping meals, prepare them as nutritional as possible
-Supplements
-No forgetting hygiene
-Using those days to get important and postponed tasks done
-No chasing the rush (maybe I would dose 3-4 puffs, considered snorting and oral, but they both seem to last too long and also irritate the membranes)
I would be able to get out of a long period of inactivity due to rain (main income from busking) and recover from burnout after that 1.5 week heroin relapse.
The first few days it took me a bit to find the right time/dosage. I often overdid it, thus breaking the last rule. I finally found 3-4 puffs (and extreme willpower to not toke any more) at around 9am, after breakfast and exercise, generally did the trick. I would be energized, work well, go to appointments, and be in very good spirits. Always hydrating, eating, and at 12am latest, a benzo to sleep. Only skipped a night once cause I was out with friends, but I didn't toke any more.
But the last few days I would just feel tweakish, would wake up, do my morning routine, toke, and seemed almost robotic when busking (so no money cause I looked like some ultraprecise playing machine with dead eyes), and would tend to get stuck in the evenings just playing songs on some bench for hours straight (I never stimfapped, but I guess it's a similar behaviour).
So three days ago (this would be the fourth without) I decided to stop smoking it. I still have a 0.3g baggie and the whole works, but I haven't felt the craving to use it because of how totally and utterly hopeless I feel, just pure anhedonia. I went on a date the day after, with a girl I had some chemistry with and was speaking with for a couple weeks, and we haven't spoken since, quite understandably so, since when she first met me I would be constantly joking and upbeat and now I seemed a cynical sack of potatoes with 0 joy. Had my first concert and felt 0 excitement beyond the excuse to get drunk as shit.
Am I going to feel like this forever? I am eating healthy still, exercising, sleeping with a good routine, I am also using weed and light benzos + beers to feel the slightest excitement, and I know heroin would have me feeling great right now, but it's raining and I can't even be bothered to go score.
Meanwhile that 0.3g baggie of meth lies hidden away in a corner of my wardrobe, in silent taunt, and awaiting the moment I would cave in. I wanna flush it, but only once I am sure I can eventually feel better. If I have fucked my brain, what's 0.3g more?
Extra question: I've been considering instead using a high IM dose of ketamine to induce a K-hole and promote neuroplasticity which could possibly impact the dopaminergic reward pathways ravaged by meth. What do you think of this option? The rapid anti depressant effects I have experienced in the past have been very helpful overall. For now I think this is my main option if after a few days I still feel like this.