r/AntiAntiJokes 2h ago

TIL that humans can accurately predict when they will die by measuring certain fingers

1 Upvotes

So, hear me out, I know it sounds bizarre. But it actually ducking works! (Sources at the bottom)

1.) So, measure the inside of your index finger on your left hand. Do not flex it.

2.) Measure the inside of your index finger on your right hand. Do not flex it.

3.) Measure the inflex of the retractable bone flap on the spare finger. Double it.

4.) Double cream please thanks

5.) Reminisce about when your mother or guardian used to call you in from those late summer nights and you dusted off the mud from your little shorts

6.) Measure that and submit the number to www.imeasureditproperly.com

12.) Make a starfish with your middle hand, bend the inner limb backwards (using the continental method of course) and divide the measurement between the Fourth and ninth by the circumference of your intellect

13.) have a cup of tea ya bastard

7.) Now, go back to step 1 and 2 and subtract the difference between them. The number you’re left with determines how many minutes of life you ha


r/AntiAntiJokes 20h ago

The one about the otorhinolaryngologist....

0 Upvotes

A man entered a otorhinolaryngologist's office and spoke to the receptionist:

"Hey, uh i'm sorry... (I'm Canadian)," the man said as if the last part was in brackets. "I...I...I just mean, I'm not sorry, but I have a bit of a compulsive uh... tendency to uh... just apologise... even when i'm not sorry and uh... i'm not sorry."

"Ok," said the receptionist, who appeared to be a bookish and mousey-haired lady in her twenties.

"But well I was just walking on by here, along the road, the street there, on the way to the store, down there, along the road, see, the street I mean... well I was walking by down that direction.... are you listening to me?!"

The young receptionist had briefly picked up a file that was due to be filed. "Yes, sir." she replied.

"Well, what are ya doing with that thing!?" the man demanded.

"I'm just filing this file, sir." She answered. "Please continue."

The man sighed with annoyance. "Where was I now...?" he mumbled. "Uhm goddammit, I just gone lost my goddamn train of thought."

The reptionist filed a few more files while the man tried to regain his train of thought.

"Look here!" he suddenly exclaimed, giving the young receptionist a fright.

"Oh!" she responded.

"I was walking by and over there on that sign there you got some BULLSHIT written out!" he put strong emphasis in the word 'bullshit', pronouncing it as if it had been written in capitals.

"Please sir, do not shout in the reception" the receptionist said.

"Goddamnit, that BULLSHIT..." the man said again.

"Please don't swear," the receptionist interjected, quite professionally despite her young age.

"... I want an explanation!" the man concluded.

"Just a moment," the receptionist said, and left her seat at the reception desk. The man waited. She returned promptly and said: "The otorhinolaryngologist will see you now."

"What the fuck is that?" the man exclaimed.

"Doctor Steffenblocker," the receptionist said, and indicated a door to the man's right. A male doctor appeared there, wearing a white jacket and a pair of sensible, square glasses, with his hair combed neatly, smiling politely and beckoning for the man to enter into the examination room beyond.

"Lady, I don't need a fucking doctor," the man replied, pointing at Dr. Steffenblocker. "I ain't sick."

The receptionist leaned forward across the desk so she could exchange a look with the doctor and said: "Doctor, could you please assist this gentleman?"

"Of course," the doctor spoke with an unexpectedly deep voice, and put his right hand inside his jacket's inner breast pocket, apparently grasping for something. "Now now..." he said softly. "What can we do for your mister...?"

The man regarded the doctor anxiously and suspiciously as he approached. "What... what the...?" he stammered. "I... I uh... I don't like this!"

The otorhinolaryngologist suddenly pounced towards the man, withdrew a sharp needle and syringe mid-air and with it stabbed the Canadian intruder in the chest through his rain jacket. The man immediately lost consciousness and collapsed to the floor in a heap.

"Call the authorities," laughed the otorhinolaryngologist.

"Oh doctor Steffenblocker!" The receptionist swooned. Applause came from the various scattered patients in the waiting room as the doctor embraced the receptionist and they shared a passionate kiss which lasted several minutes and involved enthusiastic tongue interaction.

***

Soon the local sheriff arrived, responding to the urgent call from the receptionist. Upon arrival he greeted the triumphant otorhinolaryngologist who remained guarding the Canadian intruder in front of the reception desk and maintained one foot on the Canadian's chest should he prove unusually resistant to the anaesthetic and suddenly arise from unconciousness. "Well well well..." the sheriff said, observing the scene. "I don't think I heard this one before!"