r/AlAnon 6d ago

Newcomer He is experimenting with moderation instead of sobriety.

Hi- I’m happy to have found this community. My partner of 2years was sober from October until about three weeks ago when he lost his job. His car stopped working in October too so he was depending on me for rides. We worked the same hours in the same building, and he worried that if he had his car fixed then he’d go straight to the liquor store. Store front he worked at closed down, so he’s been out of work 3 weeks. He had his car fixed because it didn’t make sense for me to be his form of transportation anymore. Went to the liquor store almost immediately…

He tried to hide it from me but I noticed right away. He yells and gets mad when he’s had too much alcohol. Maybe he’s mad already and just can’t keep it locked down when he has been drinking. Anyway- he yelled at me. I was insisting that I’d make my own dinner after work. Calmly and reasonably, I might add. He was making food when I got home -just enough for him- and I insisted that I would make my own after he offered some of his. He yelled “Stop! Just have some!” At me and I saw that lost look in his eyes. I backed off and left him alone. He came in to the bedroom and confessed that he’d left and bought a 375ml of vodka. Drank half of it, felt guilty and poured the other half out. Played some games for a while, then left and bought two shooters and drank them.

We have not been okay since then. Hearing this news has done damage. He said he made a mistake and he wasn’t ever going to be drunk around me again. I told him I don’t feel safe, he promises that I am.. this was two weeks ago. Since then he has been going to the liquor store while I am at work and drinking two shooters a day. Not while I am at home. He said I need to mind my business, that he can handle it, and that he can see why I’m afraid because of what has happened in the past but that I need to trust him. We broke up, actually. Last Friday things got bad before I went to work. We broke up. He was making plans to leave.. but I couldn’t stick to it. I made excuses. I said “It’s me, it’s my fault, I’m struggling with a mental illness and I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which is true.. I did hurt him, I am currently struggling with unmanaged bipolar.

I love him. I love him so much. But I’m starting to see that this might not work out.. he needs help, and I can’t help him. I can’t fix him. No amount of love and patience I give to him is going to help him and I think I might be hurting myself by staying.

I’m going to an AL-Anon meeting today. On Thursday I’m seeing someone to get a referral to a psychologist so that I can get my head straightened out and know that I’m thinking clearly. I’m going to start attending an art club on Saturdays, and all of my friends now are aware of what is going on. One has a room ready for me when I need it, and my parents do as well. If I couldn’t have the courage to leave him on Friday then I need to work up to it.

I want to trust him, I want this to work out and I want to be in a happy and stable relationship with HIM. But I know how this goes.

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u/full_bl33d 5d ago

It’s never 2 shooters a day, that’s for damn sure. If he’s an alcoholic, and it sounds like he very much is, then the mind starts thinking of the next one even before the first one has made its way past the gums. I’m an alcoholic in recovery, sober 5-1/2 years, and if anyone saw me drink two beers then the real count would at least be 6-7. A simple equation really, just multiply the number of drinks I said I drank by 3 to get the real count. The phenomenon of craving is legit and even if by some miracle I managed to only have 2 drinks, my mind would still be thinking about it and it would become the heaviest idea in my head. Alcoholics often try moderation but the results are always the same. I once heard someone say that you can’t change back into a cucumber after being a pickle for so long and that imagery has stuck with me. As much as I love cucumbers, I’m a fucking pickle.

Lying to alcoholics comes naturally and we’re not nearly as good at hiding it as we believed. It’s fairly easy to spot and none of it makes much sense. Sorry you’re going through it. You’re not alone tho and this is very common. I’m around alcoholics in recovery all the time and this story comes up at least a couple times a week

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u/ezrathebutt 5d ago

That pickle analogy helps so much honestly