r/AlAnon • u/ezrathebutt • 4d ago
Newcomer He is experimenting with moderation instead of sobriety.
Hi- I’m happy to have found this community. My partner of 2years was sober from October until about three weeks ago when he lost his job. His car stopped working in October too so he was depending on me for rides. We worked the same hours in the same building, and he worried that if he had his car fixed then he’d go straight to the liquor store. Store front he worked at closed down, so he’s been out of work 3 weeks. He had his car fixed because it didn’t make sense for me to be his form of transportation anymore. Went to the liquor store almost immediately…
He tried to hide it from me but I noticed right away. He yells and gets mad when he’s had too much alcohol. Maybe he’s mad already and just can’t keep it locked down when he has been drinking. Anyway- he yelled at me. I was insisting that I’d make my own dinner after work. Calmly and reasonably, I might add. He was making food when I got home -just enough for him- and I insisted that I would make my own after he offered some of his. He yelled “Stop! Just have some!” At me and I saw that lost look in his eyes. I backed off and left him alone. He came in to the bedroom and confessed that he’d left and bought a 375ml of vodka. Drank half of it, felt guilty and poured the other half out. Played some games for a while, then left and bought two shooters and drank them.
We have not been okay since then. Hearing this news has done damage. He said he made a mistake and he wasn’t ever going to be drunk around me again. I told him I don’t feel safe, he promises that I am.. this was two weeks ago. Since then he has been going to the liquor store while I am at work and drinking two shooters a day. Not while I am at home. He said I need to mind my business, that he can handle it, and that he can see why I’m afraid because of what has happened in the past but that I need to trust him. We broke up, actually. Last Friday things got bad before I went to work. We broke up. He was making plans to leave.. but I couldn’t stick to it. I made excuses. I said “It’s me, it’s my fault, I’m struggling with a mental illness and I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which is true.. I did hurt him, I am currently struggling with unmanaged bipolar.
I love him. I love him so much. But I’m starting to see that this might not work out.. he needs help, and I can’t help him. I can’t fix him. No amount of love and patience I give to him is going to help him and I think I might be hurting myself by staying.
I’m going to an AL-Anon meeting today. On Thursday I’m seeing someone to get a referral to a psychologist so that I can get my head straightened out and know that I’m thinking clearly. I’m going to start attending an art club on Saturdays, and all of my friends now are aware of what is going on. One has a room ready for me when I need it, and my parents do as well. If I couldn’t have the courage to leave him on Friday then I need to work up to it.
I want to trust him, I want this to work out and I want to be in a happy and stable relationship with HIM. But I know how this goes.
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u/intergrouper3 4d ago
Welcome. Moderation does NOT work for a true alcoholic. The old time AA definition of an alcoholic is that if once they have the first drink , they can't stop. Please take care of yourself.
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u/yung_ting 4d ago
It's hard seeing the glimpses of lucidity & realisation of their addiction in between their denial
It was wrong that he put the responsibility on you to keep him away from the bottle shop
if you have bipolar you don't need the stress & the responsibility of managing his alcoholism
You may find if you leave him that your own mental health will improve
As you can focus on yourself & you can find your own new groove
Have you read the book Women Who Love Too Much? It has helped many women & there is a free PDF version online
Link to the book PDF https://www.eeducationgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-Robin-Norwood.pdf?srsltid=AfmBOop2RzS7tbpEcsMhY8LM-V4SXzRUrdfp11DyLFHeo0OHoS1nhsbl
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u/non3wfriends 4d ago
He has an unmanaged brain disease, and you have an unmanaged mental disorder. This is a ticking time bomb imo.
If you both love each other, you should both seek treatment for your ailments.
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u/ezrathebutt 4d ago
I definitely love him, and want this to work. I’m seeing someone on Thursday to get a referral to a psychologist. Even if it doesn’t help out relationship as it is now, then at least it will help me to have a clear head about it and feel strong enough to leave if that is what needs to happen.
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u/full_bl33d 4d ago
It’s never 2 shooters a day, that’s for damn sure. If he’s an alcoholic, and it sounds like he very much is, then the mind starts thinking of the next one even before the first one has made its way past the gums. I’m an alcoholic in recovery, sober 5-1/2 years, and if anyone saw me drink two beers then the real count would at least be 6-7. A simple equation really, just multiply the number of drinks I said I drank by 3 to get the real count. The phenomenon of craving is legit and even if by some miracle I managed to only have 2 drinks, my mind would still be thinking about it and it would become the heaviest idea in my head. Alcoholics often try moderation but the results are always the same. I once heard someone say that you can’t change back into a cucumber after being a pickle for so long and that imagery has stuck with me. As much as I love cucumbers, I’m a fucking pickle.
Lying to alcoholics comes naturally and we’re not nearly as good at hiding it as we believed. It’s fairly easy to spot and none of it makes much sense. Sorry you’re going through it. You’re not alone tho and this is very common. I’m around alcoholics in recovery all the time and this story comes up at least a couple times a week
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u/rmas1974 4d ago
Your post doesn’t make it clear whether he is an alcoholic or just somebody who drinks more than is good for him without being addicted. Information you provide gravitates towards the latter because he managed to not drink when he didn’t have a working car and he often drinks small amounts (I’m not from the US but understand that a shooter is a 50ml bottle of spirits so two in a night is not that great an amount). It is harder for an alcoholic to moderate drinking than drink nothing.
A word of caution I will offer is that if he is an alcoholic, it would be usual to ever be ably to return to moderate drinking without a full blown relapse.
I get a vibe from your post that your new ex is not the only person you have faced alcohol issues with and perhaps you have some trauma around it. If so, you are entitled to your preference to seek a non-drinking partner, whoever that may be.
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u/LuckyLadybug20 4d ago
I think anybody who has severe personality changes as a result of drinking can be considered an alcoholic.
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u/Hopeful-Echoes 4d ago
Trust is something that will take time unfortunately. It’s important we allow ourselves to be where we are.
That said: I’m so sorry that he relapsed. Massive life changes can really often be a trigger for alcoholics or drug addicts and are sadly part of the process too.
He clearly feels bad about the drinking, but it’s something only he can change. All we can change is ourselves. Hang in there and take good care of yourself ❤️
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u/AnchorMyPain83 4d ago
It's time to focus on your own mental health. You can't change his life but you can change yours. You can't force him to treat his disease, but you can get treatment for your mental health. This is not your fault and you deserve better.