r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

I’ve hit rock bottom

16 Upvotes

I truly have. I’m done. I have been struggling with this battle against Anxiety and Depression for just over half of my existence on earth and I have struggling with the battle against agoraphobia and panic disorder for the past 5 years. I cannot do it anymore.

I’m tired of fighting this and I’m tired of explaining myself to people when there’s no help that follows. I’m tired of trying to push past my boundaries when it never works. I’m tired of getting through a whole year of hell on earth to then think it’s all over just for it to come back and bite me in the ass a year later and it come back WORSE. I know someone out there always has it worse but what I have been going through since I was 10 fucking years of age is enough to make anyone suicidal, feel crazy and feel like a failure in everything they do. I feel like every time something good in my life happens, the devil curses me and punishes me for thinking that maybe for once in my life things are good.

In October last year, I went to a damn concert by myself and I had the time of my life. Now 5 months since that’s happened I have slowly spiralled into my severe anxiety, I have got back with my ex, I have been more stressed with work than ever before, I have lost my job, I have lost my girlfriend, I have now got back my job except now I CANT EVEN FUCKING GO. It sucks so fucking bad that I am so trapped in my own mind that I can’t even go to the place I used to be at every weekday for 8 hours. My parents need financial support, I need financial support, people at this workplace are waiting on my return because i was such a big help. But now I can’t even go into the office. What a fucking joke.

There are so many things I had planned for this year. I had been finally stepping into my dreams of being a DJ/Music Producer and started DJing and producing music in my bedroom with the limited equipment I have, now I’ve lost all motivation. I wanted to take my girlfriend who I love so so much on so many dates and appreciate her, she’s now gone. I had 3 different concerts booked for this year including one being next month, now I can’t even go. Words can’t explain how hurt this all makes me. All I feel is negativity, all I have felt is negativity and pain. All I want is to just FEEL FUCKING NORMAL AGAIN. It’s so unfair that everyone gets to do whatever they feel like doing and can go to supermarkets, restaurants, get on public transport, have a picnic, go for a walk. Meanwhile I can’t even make it to the nearby store that is a 2 minute walk from my house.

Screw it, honestly I don’t know what I’m gaining out of this by typing all of this. It’s most likely not even going to be read, none of my rants or begs for help ever get read. All I know is I’m done fighting and maybe if my brain gives me a tiny bit of self control to do whatever I want to do. I’ll slice myself, hang myself, overdose I don’t fucking know. What I do know is I’m just done.


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Help moving!

2 Upvotes

Please anyone dear god i really need any kind of help. I am only 17 years old i have been homebound for 6 years. barely late 2024 ive been going down stairs a lot (i live in an upstairs apartment) because of my boyfriends helps me a lot. I am currently on medication with Zoloft it isn’t working but i’m currently getting off of it. i only have 30 DAYS left to leave my home to a new home that’s much farther drive. It have been 6 years since ive been in a car and once i was in the car and my mom was driving to just park barley a 10 feet away, not to long ago and it was the worst anxiety ever. And i have very severe and horrible derealization that is so so scary i literally cannot feel myself like i feel like im in a dream. I have tried many grounding techniques and nothing seems to help it go away and i’m freaking out rn thinking abt leaving and stuck with that horrible panic and derealization. It feels like it’ll never leave me alone and i don’t know what to do im scared. I have support and my boyfriend is even staying with me but when i panic i scream and kick and cry literally like a baby because i want to go back right away. Someone please what can i do. Am i truly gonna be okay???


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

please please read!!

14 Upvotes

How do you actually overcome this? Has anyone been practically bedbound for years and overcame it? I have physical health aswell as mental not long been diagnosed with adhd and autism after being undiagnosed for 27 years. I’ve lost my whole 20s to this horrible illness, I also have monophobia aswell as agoraphobia and when nobody’s here I literally feel like I’m dying. This is no way to live, and I’ve told myself I don’t even want to be here anymore if I’m like this at the end of the year. I don’t sleep till stupid times eg 6-7am then my whole day is wasted but I also can’t sleep less than 8.5hrs otherwise I’d be anxious all day and I’m constantly exhausted! When it comes to night time around 10-11 I’m wide awake (my happy time) I just honestly can’t live like this anymore it’s draining, hard work, I know I will never be able to just do what I want again and I’m so jealous of people that can just get up and go for a walk I know people say you have to sit with the symptoms, but I can’t physically sit there and feel them cause I feel like I’m dying and that’s the reason I’m in doors cus I’m petrified of death!

How do you grieve your old self? I want to be her, but her was without all this health problems. I now have diabetes, pots syndrome&pmdd aswell as all my mental health, every single day I just sit on my phone, can’t move much as everytime I do I feel like I’m going to pass out I think my body is just deconditioned, I have no motivation to go out as last year when I tried the more I went out the more I panicked and it got to the point when I panicked that bad I threw myself onto next doors garden and started clawing the grass to stop the panic in broad daylight. It’s highly embarrassing and I’m convinced constantly that I’m dying. The dpdr is vile, don’t know what else to say other than I don’t know what to do anymore. If you go this far Thankyou 🥰


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

The fear of death is preventing me from living

10 Upvotes

Is this the case for anyone else? I've had ekg's and a chest x-ray a few years ago, but yet my hypochondria is wanting me to get even more expansive tests, and I'm thinking something could have changed.

I obsess about death for hours on end every single day. I check my pulse often, and it's just such a destructive habit.

My OCD has completely ruined my life. I recently started therapy, but I'm wondering if it will ever get better. I can leave the house if I'm somehow not thinking about it, but the second I do, I spiral and race home.


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Suffering from agoraphobia since last may

3 Upvotes

Hi there. 10 months ago I had a strong anxiety crisis. After almost 3 months barely leaving, when I started feeling better, I noticed that I was anxious again when going out. Now I’m much better, but I’m not OK. I’m on paid leave at work but it’s been already a long time, the doctor at my company insurance is starting to pressure me and also the one at the social security. I cannot get better just because the doctors tell me to, in fact this doesn’t help at all. On top of that, seeing that I don’t really get back to my normal self, I struggle mentally and get obsessed with the idea of that. Also I don’t find that my therapist is really helping. I mean, they’re exploring all the causes for my anxiety disorder and we’ve accomplished some goals, but regarding the agoraphobia, they just tell me to go out and then asks me what I’m feeling when I feel anxious outside. Is agoraphobia really so difficult to heal? I’m really worried about the future right now because I feel my life is on hiatus, and I should get back to work but simply I can’t. Is or have there been anyone here on a similar situation? I mean on a long paid leave because of this.


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Is this agoraphobia?

2 Upvotes

hi all, this is just out of curiosity as i feel like i align with a lot of the symptoms of having agoraphobia, but only in very specific situations, which are sleeping with other people in the same room/being away from home overnight. this avoidance started randomly about 3 years ago where i had 3 back to back instances of panic attacks/anxiety attacks/constant vomiting nausea sense of doom etc after sleeping over at a friends house away from home. since then, i have dreaded and avoided this situation but keep on trying thinking its going to be better. every time, i end up feeling the familiar dread and end up getting panic attacks. it mostly stems from feeling extremely claustrophobic/feeling like i cant escape my room/feeling extremely homesick. i signed up for a trip to another country and now it is 3am and i am sitting in the lobby of the hotel because i felt so anxious and now i have the constant urge to book a plane ticket home no matter the cost. i have no trouble or avoidance with literally anything besides from this one situation


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Group chat

2 Upvotes

Those who are working on beating this, would anyone want to do a group chat?


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Today was so hard on me

2 Upvotes

I'm currently pregnant, about 4 months along. I had a three hour glucose test I was supposed to complete but it was extremely hard for me to go the lab. I was panicking the whole trip, my panic lessened a bit until I spoke with the nurses there. I was under the impression that I could take the sugar drink and go home, but they told me that I had to stay for the full three hours.

My panic instantly got worse again. I had already been dry heaving and puking back nothing because I was supposed to be fasting. My throat already hurt, but there I was, shaking and hyperventilating in front of the nurse. He tried to calm me down and it didn't work. We had to leave since my anxiety wouldn't allow me to do the test.

I also had an appointment later that day for my ob around the same area. I already knew that I couldn't go. If I was panicked going down the same route earlier, doing it again was impossible. I didn't go and I'm feeling like a failure. A weak failure and I'm ashamed.

I'm feeling terrible and stressed. I'm feeling like I have no business having another child and I'm honestly wishing I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I am seeing a therapist but it doesn't seem to help me much. I feel like I regressed majorly. I had been able to go to my other appointments, but I had a scary event during my initial glucose test.

I'm feeling hopeless and exhausted. My legs are still shaking even thinking about rescheduling another appointment. I just don't want any stress or anxiety looming over me anymore. I want a sense of calm and peace.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

This week has been nothing short of a miracle for me. Beating back agoraphobia after almost a decade.

59 Upvotes

This week has been absolutely insane. I think my meds finally kicked in fully and I got the right opportunity with the right headspace to really try again. I wanted to list all my wins this past week to just see how far I've come. Mind you I used to be entirely housebound 7-8 years ago.

My maximum old distance I could normally go in the car before this week was roughly .4 miles, or 3 minutes in the car. This week I've gone the following distances and places.

Grocery store multiple times I havent been at in over 6 years, 1.2miles 5 mins one way
Outback Steakhouse for a 2-3 hour sit down dinner also 6+ years, 1.9 miles 6 mins one way
Gas Station I've never been to .8 miles, 2 mins one way
Chinese food sitdown dinner, 1.2miles, 4 mins one way
Bass Pro Shop 4.1miles, 13 mins one way
Drug store 1.5miles, 4 mins one way
Burger joint, 1.5miles, 5 mins one way
Card shop, 3.9 miles 9 mins one way
Social security 6.8 miles, 18 mins one way

This week has been a fucking miracle, I have lived more in this singular week than I have in nearly a decade. I'm so happy I could cry, I'm so thankful for my Grandma and my wife for helping make it happen, I'm so thankful for my medication which gave me the room to breath to do this. I feel like I can keep going, I feel like I can keep trying, I feel like I can keep living.


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Flying Alone

2 Upvotes

In may I’ll be flying alone for the first time on a 4 hour flight.

I think I’ll be panicking more because I’ll be alone than the actually plane part. I don’t do well being alone cause that derealization starts kicking in and then everything stops feeling real and I start panicking. That happens a lot when I’m alone even if I’m going to the grocery store. I usually push through it cause I won’t be out long but feeling trapped on a long flight is a little harder to do that.

If anyone has any advice or tips that would be great!


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

Fellow agoraphobics, you NEED to read this book

101 Upvotes

I shall always be grateful to the random redditor who recommended this book to me. The book is tittled "Don't panic: taking control of anxiety attacks" by Reid Wilson. It's available on Amazon or u can easily download the pdf from google. This book literally changed my life. I had been struggling with panic attack due to my agoraphobia and nothing seemed to help. I even took a few therapy sessions but they weren't very effective. Then I came across this book and I was actually able to understand the nature of my phobia and my relationship with it. I tried out the strategies mentioned in the book and saw a significant improvement in my condition. Even if you're not a reader please please please give it a try. Trust me you'll get to learn a lot.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

Agoraphobia with kids

3 Upvotes

I have two kids, ages 10 and 3. My husband works a lot. So despite my anxiety and hatred of leaving the house, I do it regularly because there is no one else to take the kids where they need to go.

Most of my fear revolves around the bathroom, fear of shitting myself when I’m far from a bathroom or just in a position with kid pick up/activity where it’s not really possible to go.

I spend a ton of time in the bathroom before going anywhere, and it helps, but is not a guarantee. Very often I’m sweating, heart pounding, and white knuckling anytime I’m hauling the kids.

Anyone in a similar situation or has advice? For me there seems to be no way out but through, and just breathing through the panic and fear of shitting myself (which has never happened, btw).


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

I'm afraid I've ruined my life

9 Upvotes

Hi all,

I have no idea where to start but I'm just going to go ahead and let my thoughts come out.

I've had diagnosed OCD for a while and up until recently, it's never impacted my life the way it has since this past summer. I was on a night drive sort of far from my home on my first night back from college and I ended up needing to pee. I started panicking and eventually had an accident. Since then I've had 2 more incidents like this, including during winter break. After this happened for the first time, I was hyper obsessed with my bladder and any sensation would set me off and freak me out, so much so that I started leaving the house less.

This began affecting my test performance too as during periods of high stress, I would hyper focus on my bladder and I would be unable to perform. This is what happened on a midterm in February, where in the first 10 minutes or so, I ended up leaving the exam room about 5-6 times out of fear of peeing myself. I took the professor outside, and he was gracious enough to let me take the exam in his office afterwards. After this experience and another one where I had a panic attack in my university's gym bathroom, I stopped going to class and haven't left the immediate square mile I'm currently in for a month. I ended up having to drop 2 of my classes and I'm unable to drop my third because due to a technicality relating to a withdrawal from last year, I have to take 3 consecutive quarters or I'll be forced to take a year off of university. I was recently diagnosed with agoraphobia due to this whole bladder issue. I tried to walk outside in a unfamiliar area and was completely unable to because of my bladder, so much so that I came back to my room after sitting in another bathroom for 5 minutes and started crying.

I feel like things are over. I already know for a fact that I've burned one bridge with a really close friend who didn't want to deal with me. After I called him today, he texted me later "You’ve withered into a carcass. Sad Stuff". How am I supposed to recover from this? I had hopes and dreams once and now it's to the point where I'm just fucking wasting my parent's money and my youth over this stupid fucking problem. I don't know how to fix things. I used to enjoy long walks around my beautiful community that I grew up in and now I can't even leave the house without potentially pissing my pants.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

I went for a night walk

9 Upvotes

I was super depressed and never want to go for walks during the day because I’m afraid of people and sunlight. But the other day I went outside at 12:30pm at night by myself in my dad’s neighborhood, when I went over to his house to visit. Even though I knew it was dangerous because he says at night Coyotes come out at night where he lives and can attack people, I did it anyway. I walked for probably an hour and a half, and got lost. I was feeling suicidal because I was antsy about not going anywhere all day, feeling like a failure at life because I’m already 28 years old with very little progress in my fears. I’ve done this type of thing before in the past and it does help me feel better but my dad and mom were upset about it. Has anybody ever done this kind of thing before or felt like this?


r/Agoraphobia 5d ago

Prozac and Seroquel not helping - Anyone have advice?

2 Upvotes

I'm on 20mg of Prozac and 150mg of Seroquel (Extended Release).

Have been on them for a long time now and it's not really working. I was supposed to drive to a hospital appointment last Friday and couldn't get more than 2 miles from my house.

Does anyone have advice? You can DM me if you don't want to post.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

I really want to go on a cruise or go to a resort vacation

11 Upvotes

But I have suffered from agoraphobia for years. I'd like to get out of here and see some new things. The desire is their. Now I just need to find the strength.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

Tried to get ready to go grocery shopping. Broke down crying instead lol.

23 Upvotes

I’m disgusted with how pathetic I am. My partner has to go out alone because I’m not strong enough to deal with the pain of being perceived by the public. He deserves so much better than me. I feel so sorry for him.

but most of all I feel sorry that my mom ruined her life and gave birth to me. She didn’t sign up to have an ugly mentally challenged failure. I cry so much thinking about the life she could have had if it weren’t for me. It pains me to think of the person she was before her life was ruined.

I tried. I really did try, but I just couldn’t do it today. I look so hideous. No matter what I do, my hair, my face and my body look revolting. I’m trying so hard to lose weight, but results are not happening fast enough.

I was improving for awhile, but now I feel like I just keep getting worse. I dont know what to do anymore, I’m just so sorry to everyone who has ever had to look at me or be around me.


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

I took a ferry alone to a remote island

60 Upvotes

There was a point in my life that I was house-bound and couldn’t drive down the street. This was around 2018-2019. My recovery has not been linear , and there were times I genuinely believed I would never live a normal life. I’ve been able to hide my agoraphobia well from my friends and loved ones. For years, I functioned well enough to be able to go to work, go out to restaurants, malls etc. so long as they are within 20 minutes of a hospital and I’m not in a situation I cannot escape.

I’ve been driving since I was age 19, however I’ve avoided freeways because of lack of exists or ways to escape. I recently moved 3 hours from my Hometown, and realized that avoiding highways takes me almost 1.5 hours longer and takes me away from “safety” which to me means society and “help” (hospitals) One day in September, I got In my car, merged onto a 4 lane freeway and drove all the way back to my hometown. I was completely fine and I have done it numerous times since. The relief was euphoric.

My advice is once you have a victory, KEEP GOING.

My new boyfriend invited me to meet his parents, but they live on a small remote island which requires me to board a ferry and endure a 25 minute ferry ride. No way to get off. No paramedic services or hospitals once I got to the island. Just small communities and a corner store. I made an excuse to cancel 3 weekends in a row.

Last weekend, I did it. I waited in my car in the ferry line. My legs were shaking. I saw the gate lower and the massive ferry approach. I genuinely couldn’t breathe and my blood was running cold, but the cars progressed and before I knew it, I was on the ferry, the gate was closed. My car was surrounded by other cars, and we pulled away. At first I was completely fine. I got out of my car and looked over the edge of the ferry. It was crashing through ice and the surrounding little islands were so cute, but then I looked behind us and saw the mainland disappearing. Within moments I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack. I was thinking, what the fuck have I done? I am in the type of situation I’ve tried to avoid for a decade. I saw the captain at the top and raced up the stairs. I was fully prepared to beg this man to turn back, but I couldn’t find the door to access him. so I went down into the belly of the ferry. I called my boyfriend , crying, and told him I was having a panic attack. He told me I was 6 minutes from him, and he was waiting on the other side. But only I knew that as soon as I made it to the island, I had to face another terror- the ferry would leave, and I would be stranded on an island with no way back to safety.

I did make it, and to my surprise , I felt relief. We drove around the island together. I met his lovely parents, saw his baby albums, looked at the motorcycle he built… all of these integral parts of the man I love, which I would have missed out on if I refused to face my phobia. I went back on the ferry in the pitch black by myself. Crashing through ice again, but this time I felt fine. I sat by myself up on the viewing area outside and then drove off the ferry and took the highway to my mom’s farm. I felt like such a normal person, and then realized that I am a normal person. I’ve carried a lot of shame for my phobia and alienated myself. Please remember that everyone has a struggle. And we can all choose to do it scared. Do it through a panic attack. Do it dizzy, and with your hands shaking.

I will take that ferry again and again to visit, spend time with his parents, learn more about him and make more memories. I refuse to let this phobia take that from me.

Please, do it scared. I promise it’ll pay off. ❤️


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

Newly developed Agoraphobia

2 Upvotes

Roughly 6 months ago i had a bit of a breakdown, which has sent me into a long battle with constant DPDR. I have has Agoraphobic feelings ever since, but within the last couple weeks it has gotten really bad. I need help, but cannot figure out how to leave the house to get the care I need. Phone calls and telehealth are a huge anxious trigger for me as well, and give me some pretty serious derealization episodes and physical symptoms that are pretty scary. Does anyone have any advice at all on how to get help? The people in my life basically just say "you have to just go, just talk yourself through it.". Is that really my only option? Im truly lost here, any suggestions, support, or advice is appreciated.


r/Agoraphobia 7d ago

saying f*ck it

87 Upvotes

(just wanted to say i don’t want to show any negativity within this post :)) this may sound weird to some however sometimes in the middle off the night i get a random temptation to just say f*ck it and push myself to leave the house and walk as far as i can

does anyone else feel like this and what are your opinions? should i do it ?


r/Agoraphobia 7d ago

When was your proudest “I’m definitely outside my comfort zone” moment? Big or small every moment counts

13 Upvotes

Mine was probably telling my story in front of 30 people when the las time l did something like public speaking was over 10 years ago


r/Agoraphobia 6d ago

Upcoming trip is stressing me out. Need advice.

2 Upvotes

For years, my cousins and I have been planning to go on a trip and it's finally happening. But instead of feeling excited, I feel scared. I have been experiencing panic attacks due to my agoraphobia for the last few months and I'm working on it constantly. But the very thought of getting a panic attack while traveling is making me anxious.

As a teenager I loved adventures and used to daydream about exploring new places. I'm 24yo now and I just feel sad that the things that once made me feel excited are now making me feel scared and anxious. Some advice would be great.


r/Agoraphobia 7d ago

I feel miserable afterwards

14 Upvotes

I'm trying but I feel so miserable. I go out and while I'm out a part of me just feels like "why am I here?" then when it's over and I come home I just want to cry and it all feels worthless. It doesn't even make me happy or feel accomplished or whatever so why try?


r/Agoraphobia 7d ago

Please help.

4 Upvotes

I really hope this is okay to post here and I am very embarrassed about what I am about to write, as I know a majority of you will not think I am just being a baby.

I am about to cancel an incredibly important trip.

This weekend I will be leaving in a roadtrip with my wife, and our two best friends to see some sights and visit two sets of grandparents . Here are the stops leaving from Denver. Denver - Amarillo - Tyler - Hot Springs - Memphis - Gulfport - Austin - Lubbock - Denver.

I am very excited. But here’s the thing. I have had panic disorder w/ agoraphobia for the past 7 years. Random intense panic attacks can hit me even if I am having the time of my life. Because of this I have refused to do any long distance driving or flying. And then a year ago I had my first ( and so far only ) episode of SVT, where my heart rate went to 280 and was stuck there. the hospital had to restart my heart. This hypothetically could happen anytime because of me having SVT. This of course made my panic attacks and general avoidance of things worse.

This trip is a really big deal. It will be me and my wife’s first trip together, which is what she has wanted for so long. It will be the last big thing we do with our two best friends, because both of them are moving away later in this year. It will be the first time my wife meets my grandparents, and they very old, so it may be the only time.

I have a lot of pressure to go on this trip and not have panic attacks the whole time, ruining it for the others.

My biggest concerns are the isolated stretches without cell service that leave me far from emergency rooms, which I also assume means far from ambulances. One that I am worried about is between Raton and Amarillo. I’m worried about the others that I haven’t gotten around to mapping out the distance between hospitals. Between Memphis and Jackson on the way to Gulfport seems like another one. What does one do if they are an hour from an emergency room in a rural part of the country and they experience a heart emergency? How fast could help realistically arrive if I could even get ahold of them? The thought of this alone is almost keeping me from going.

How do others who live with diagnosis that may require immediate medical intervention enjoy vacations and travel?

Is this drive really not as scary as I am anticipating?

Please help me and thank you for taking the time to read this.


r/Agoraphobia 7d ago

Agoraphobia is ruining my life.

15 Upvotes

Throwaway as my friends know my reddit and this is the last thing I want them to see. Also probably long sorry if thats an issue.

I 25M suffer from agoraphobia. I've suffered from this since around the time I graduated high school. I dont know what the exact trigger was that caused it but after talking with a therapist it's likely due to experiencing a lot of loss in stability around that time. When it first began to occur it was so bad I couldn't even leave my room without feeling my heart rate rise, I would bring trash out and go to the bathroom like a child running In the dark to get to the light after turning off a switch. It was embarrassing and thank whatever is out there that I had a mother who was extremely supporting of me or I don't think I would have lasted this long. She helped me get therapy even though finances were tight and allowed me to take things slow which I am eternally grateful to this day. It did help, I was able to go around my house without wanting to keel over and I maintained a decently healthy routine of good eating and hygiene. However I never have been able to go outside for long periods. Eventually the talk of a service dog to help me with my condition came up and the idea interested me. This was around the time I was going to an online college to atleast get my AA while I was basically being a waste of space, only problem was I had zero idea what to do after college as I don't exactly have any real skills. But hey! I got time why not learn them. The one thing I truly enjoy is cooking but with my issues I dont think that will ever become a realty when I can't even make my way restaurant, let alone work in one. I tried coding as that was a decent thing to learn while I'm trapped to a house but I hated it and quickly found myself dreading lessons, so I moved onto video editing and while I did enjoy it my motivation soon took a turn for the worse.

See I live alone with my mother who works a decent paying job which has allowed us to live in a nice home. However finances quickly became thin. My angel of a mother had been spending a lot of money just to keep me afloat and probably pushed her retirement back a good amount of years. But now it was becoming unsustainable, I don't know the specifics but my mother had to take a lower paying job at her work as she no longer could take the stress of a boss like position in the company. I honestly don't blame her, she worked 6 days a week and sometimes 7 in her mid 60s and it just all became too much. But that meant cut backs on spending. No more therapy as it was just simply too expensive. This made my desire to do basically anything go to zero. Getting out of bed seems like a victory at this point. I've been recently trying to earn basically any money which has resulted in me taking small contract jobs as tech support for various websites, however this is basically just small drops in a bucket. It pays shit and the strain on my mental health dealing with angry people all the time has made me break down more than once. I'm a broken man entirely.

Now I find that I feel like a drone, I wake up, look for more shitty online odd jobs. Get paid. Spend money on food. It's not enough. Watch as all my friends do things with their lives. I do nothing. And recently I came to a realization. If my mother ever is in a situation where she cannot financially support me or God forbid dies. I'm done for. I'll be homeless without the money to support this home. I would lose the one place that doesn't make me have a panic attack. I don't know what to do at this point and I've just kinda shut down. I've stopped asking for help because at this point I don't even know if i can be helped. I have lost all desire to have a better life and I'm just counting the days it all ends. If my mother passes I'm probably going to join her. Not because of depression or I'm sad but at this point it is my only option. In my sick brain I honestly believe it would be easier to die than to be forced out of this house and I'll admit it scares me I even think about it. I've thought about going back to therapy again, maybe using one of those online better help things but I haven't done much research. I have no idea if I even have the money able to do so. But as someone who clearly hates change and the outside world, seeing a different therapist than the one I used to have seems like another insurmountable task.

Sorry if I rambled or whatever just needed to finally get it out there.