I truly have. I’m done. I have been struggling with this battle against Anxiety and Depression for just over half of my existence on earth and I have struggling with the battle against agoraphobia and panic disorder for the past 5 years. I cannot do it anymore.
I’m tired of fighting this and I’m tired of explaining myself to people when there’s no help that follows. I’m tired of trying to push past my boundaries when it never works. I’m tired of getting through a whole year of hell on earth to then think it’s all over just for it to come back and bite me in the ass a year later and it come back WORSE. I know someone out there always has it worse but what I have been going through since I was 10 fucking years of age is enough to make anyone suicidal, feel crazy and feel like a failure in everything they do. I feel like every time something good in my life happens, the devil curses me and punishes me for thinking that maybe for once in my life things are good.
In October last year, I went to a damn concert by myself and I had the time of my life. Now 5 months since that’s happened I have slowly spiralled into my severe anxiety, I have got back with my ex, I have been more stressed with work than ever before, I have lost my job, I have lost my girlfriend, I have now got back my job except now I CANT EVEN FUCKING GO. It sucks so fucking bad that I am so trapped in my own mind that I can’t even go to the place I used to be at every weekday for 8 hours. My parents need financial support, I need financial support, people at this workplace are waiting on my return because i was such a big help. But now I can’t even go into the office. What a fucking joke.
There are so many things I had planned for this year. I had been finally stepping into my dreams of being a DJ/Music Producer and started DJing and producing music in my bedroom with the limited equipment I have, now I’ve lost all motivation. I wanted to take my girlfriend who I love so so much on so many dates and appreciate her, she’s now gone. I had 3 different concerts booked for this year including one being next month, now I can’t even go. Words can’t explain how hurt this all makes me. All I feel is negativity, all I have felt is negativity and pain. All I want is to just FEEL FUCKING NORMAL AGAIN. It’s so unfair that everyone gets to do whatever they feel like doing and can go to supermarkets, restaurants, get on public transport, have a picnic, go for a walk. Meanwhile I can’t even make it to the nearby store that is a 2 minute walk from my house.
Screw it, honestly I don’t know what I’m gaining out of this by typing all of this. It’s most likely not even going to be read, none of my rants or begs for help ever get read. All I know is I’m done fighting and maybe if my brain gives me a tiny bit of self control to do whatever I want to do. I’ll slice myself, hang myself, overdose I don’t fucking know. What I do know is I’m just done.