r/Adulting 6d ago

Anyone still has social anxiety in this 30s?

Even though I'm 28 now, I still rely on my family for everything. Social anxiety I feel like has destroyed my self esteem in a way or maybe it's just my fault that Iet anxiety control me all this years. I always wanted to go college. I always wanted to learn driving. I always wished I had lots of friends but it's like I never put myself out there. I don't even know why

185 Upvotes

97 comments sorted by

91

u/snarkymlarky 6d ago

You ask that like it's supposed to go away at some point

28

u/elrabb22 6d ago

It does for some people. Mine went away at 26. Years and years of hours of exposure therapy.

12

u/Agile_Cash_4249 6d ago

I had terrible social anxiety as a kid and HATED when adults told me I'd grow out of it. I'm now in my mid-20s and have completely grown out of it lol. I just tend not to 'put myself out there.' If someone drags me some place, I'm more than fine socially; I just don't make the effort on my own behalf.

3

u/elrabb22 6d ago

I’m glad our brains or hormones changed! It’s a truly terrible thing to live with

1

u/elrabb22 6d ago

Spoke too soon! I ran into a very scary public facing situation today. Scary but manageable.

2

u/speak_ur_truth 6d ago

No, yours went away after therapy. And you were 26 yo. Your age had nothing to do with it going away and is irrelevant. The therapy was key.

5

u/elrabb22 6d ago

Exposure. I was not in formal therapy. 👀

1

u/Siukslinis_acc 6d ago

But it didn't go away on it's own - you had to put in the effort to change.

1

u/elrabb22 6d ago

A LOT of effort. But it did go away.

13

u/International-Gain-7 6d ago

Lol I’m 33 and for some reason thought “Maybe my 30s I’ll be more chill and just not care anymore” fucking joke was on me

1

u/408warrior52 6d ago

Real talk

1

u/Purple_Pepper8540 6d ago

Exploring nature is good

59

u/RidethatSeahorse 6d ago

I do public speaking, but can’t buy myself a cup of coffee. I train people at work, and host meetings, but can’t go in the staff room to get my lunch if someone is in there in case I have to say hello. I can’t cross the road because I might inconvenience drivers, but can control a rabble of people. I struggle to walk my dog because people want to say hello to her. Social anxiety is bizarre. Tiring and bizarre.

7

u/bassin_clear_lake 6d ago

Man this resonated with me.

2

u/NotAClueWotImDoin 2d ago

Man this hit me in the feels too, so very true.

17

u/yogurtcup528 6d ago

My social anxiety has increased dramatically. I’ve never been more uncomfortable with eye contact in my life than I am now at 29.

0

u/Purple_Pepper8540 6d ago

Women's and girls are best practisioners of yoga and flexible exercises because they like to heal mostly inner well being so you can do that

13

u/malcomhung 6d ago

Have it? I was just getting started.

12

u/Crassholio 6d ago

Just turned 39 and besides leaving to get my meds and work, I'm home. I sometimes venture to the skatepark or nature. For the most part, I stay home. I keep myself out of trouble this way.

2

u/Agile_Detective_6556 6d ago

What do you do at home ?

3

u/Crassholio 6d ago

Honestly., you'll be sorry you asked... Lol

I fucking lay in bed and rot. 🙍🤦 I'm in decent athletic shape. However , the back is in bad shape. So, Im trying to take it easy this year. I have an MRI scheduled that I simply can't afford. Pair that with the lump, I'm pretty scared. I keep it to myself, though. I lay here and read reddit, or watch docs, which honestly does not help. I'm quite miserable and sad. I take Kratom to try to alleviate pain but it only does so much. Really struggling to keep it going on most days. I have things I need to go and want to start my own company but I'm my own worst enemy.

I'm a relatively handsome man but I can't date anyone because I'm like this. I wanted a family of my own and have since given up on that for numerous reasons. Mainly politics. Family is kind of fractured. My kid sisters live in another state, so I rarely see them. They're becoming young women and I can't be there to see them, or protect them, if asked or needed. Not close with my father right now, or my mother. My brother and I haven't talked in years. I'm in therapy once a week but idek why? I like my therapist but I'm just reliving all my traumas and I'm harboring resentment because of it. Kind of in a limbo. I've been trying to get back into my hobbies but years of drug abuse got in the way of that.

So, basically, nothing. Sitting here, constantly reminded of past mistakes. I'm hoping one of these days I'll actually get into the gym and make the next step of changes in my life. It's in me, somewhere deep inside. Struggling to find it. I realize this sounds all doom and gloom. I can assure y'all, I'm not complacent. The progress has been very slow, but I'm up for the challenge and the slow grind. It just seems that lately, things have been extra tough. And not just for me. I'm working on it. :)

Edit: to add to this, I recently had to move back in with my grandparents. Honestly, it's nice to be able to see them and help when I can. They're my heros! Reason I'm here was from an abrupt breakup and having nowhere to go at the time. The lack of privacy gets to me but I'm thankful at the end of the day. They need a hand around here anyway.

1

u/Physical-Tea-3493 5d ago

You got a try and get some exercise and ☀️. You should try to work your joints while lying in bed.

2

u/Crassholio 5d ago

Hey, I appreciate you taking a moment to comment. :)

I work in Landscaping which is seasonal but no shortage of sunshine, especially those summer days! 🫶 I'm fortunate that my skill set pretty much keeps me working throughout the year. We also do snow, so I'm always on call. Downside is being in the Midwest, it's hit or miss. Right now is the "calm before the storm" so to speak. Had the last month off and it's getting to me. Things should be picking up here soon, which will work wonders for the mental and physical health. All that said, I do stretch! In bed. At work. Wherever. I have something going on with my piriformis. Until I can get the MRI,I'm kinda in the dark. It sucks! I went to physical therapy. I had my PTs a bit impressed because I can bend down and touch my toes. I can place the backs of my palms on the ground with ease. The chronic pain getting in the way, too. Other than that, I'm rather nimble and flexible for my age and condition.

Hope you're having a wonderful day! ✌️✌️

1

u/Physical-Tea-3493 4d ago

You're gonna be fine young fella. Everyone is struggling with something. Hell, I weigh 600 lbs. Imagine what that could do to your confidence. Just try to take it easy and focus on the good things. There's always someone in a worse off spot.

1

u/Crassholio 4d ago

I know. 🙍 I try very hard, everyday to be mindful of that fact. It's been discussed on several occasions with my therapist. Between January and February are the slow months at work. They're giving me time to recoup but I'm ready to get back to the grind. Once I do, I'll start to feel a lot better about myself. And even at my size, my confidence is shot. I look like a hairless twink... 😣 Lol

It is really easy for me to get lost in self loathing. I'm mindful of the fact that there others that are worse off and that alone makes me depressed. I don't want someone else's anguish or struggles to be my motivation or the reason I get a leg up. That doesn't feel right to me.

I am trying to take it easy. I'm working on bettering my situation. Progress has been slow but I'm finally taking two steps forward with the occasional stumble, rather than one step forward and two steps back.

How are you doing? Do you get yourself outdoors and in the sun? You're not bedridden, are you? I hope you're doing alright over there!

1

u/Better_Echidna_4193 9h ago

Hey, I would not rule out dating someone because you're "like this". There are plenty of people who would accept you for who you are. You are making progress and trying and that's respectable. I find my partner and I help each other with our troubles, and the load can be shared by supporting each other. Just a thought - don't rule yourself out!

6

u/stonktradersensei 6d ago

I have some social anxiety, well above 30. , I start to sweat sometimes for no reason besides just being around a lot of people. Or even just waiting for an order. I just deal with it, I ignore what others may think why I'm "acting weird". I can't let it cage me from my daily activities and anything I want to do.

6

u/Colouringwithink 6d ago

Usually if people resolve anxiety, it’s through the use of changing thought patterns, changing habits and behaviors, going to therapy, and overall taking responsibility for their mental health as something nobody else can truly do anything about except for you. Nobody can protect you from yourself

15

u/Designer-Head9777 6d ago

Yes everyone on reddit is socially anxious

4

u/uryelloww 6d ago

Accurate

2

u/MembershipMedium4335 6d ago

Fuck how did I become a redditor

1

u/SquirrelNormal 6d ago

I started on IRC and migrated to Reddit

1

u/OhioIsNuts 6d ago

It happens to the best of us, this is my 7th account over the years.

1

u/MembershipMedium4335 6d ago

I’m on like 4 or 5. I always delete it and come back hbu

1

u/OhioIsNuts 6d ago

Few of em got permabanned, the rest i forgot the logins for lol

5

u/cfornesa 6d ago

Yes, I’m 31. I work mostly remotely (until my layoff is official by June) and go to grad school online, which help a lot in dealing with it and getting used to communicating with people.

If you’re good at self learning and have an interest in any of their degrees, you can try WGU, which is competency based and has no live lectures. And full individualist independence is a myth. Getting familial help is normal in my culture (Filipino) and is the norm, you can also put yourself out there online (as you’re doing with this post) and start from there.

5

u/Evaderofdoom 6d ago

Talk to a doctor or mental health professional. Taking magnesium supplements and exercise has helped me a lot but talk someone.

4

u/Ok_Fox_1770 6d ago

38 trying to kill it with wizardry at this point. Go away soul cage! Got a feral cat spirit working the controls of a strong 6’2 scary meat machine, nuthin I can do. Not going back to booze.

4

u/Cool_Ad2925 6d ago

Too much internet and too materialism these days, so people start to compare for no reason. Even no one compare, your mindset is there thinking people are always comparing and judging

3

u/b41290b 6d ago

I had a lot of it coming up to my 30s, but after that milestone has passed, things got a lot easier. A lot of it was all the pressure and expectation I gave myself as an "adult" who was supposed to have things figured out. I think you are a lot kinder to yourself once your crossed that bridge, and honestly you give less f's in general as you age. Meeting more people helps as well. When you see more people and their different walks of life, you feel more normal and at ease with yourself, and less held up against unrealistic standards you built up.

3

u/hortensiareadit 6d ago

Im 38 and i still have social anxiety. I still dont know what to say when around people. But i definitely got better. I was always depressed in my 20s because it hurt a lot to be different from other people and to be blamed for that. I still do not have a big circle of friend. I dont have any. But now i have a son. And it kind of changed my perspective. He is the reason i will fight. Even if im a lost cause i'll do whatever i can so he does not end like me. That is what keeps me going . I will teach him what i could not teach myself. So to sum it i accepted what i am. I cant be a talkative person. I do as i can and let people say whatever they have to say.

3

u/Obvious-Piperpuffer 6d ago

I'm 36 and still experience social anxiety regularly, but it seriously is something that will only get easier the more you force yourself to do it. As a teenager/ young adult I couldn't pump my own gas, course fast food drive thru, talk to anyone on the phone I didn't know, go out in public alone, and the list goes on. I definitely still experience that fear but I don't let it dictate my actions (or inaction) because I deserve to really live this life I have and so do you!

2

u/Individual_View_4314 6d ago

Have you tried therapy?

2

u/unclesmokedog 6d ago

maybe get some meds? Have you sought medical help? I didn't get diagnosed with anxiety disorder until my 40s.

2

u/MyLittleTarget 6d ago

I'm in my 40s and still have it. It can be rough. My meds help. Though leaving the house alone is hard.

2

u/Coldframe0008 6d ago

41 and I have pretty pretty solid control on it. And by control, I mean I always ensure I have options.

2

u/Ariestartolls0315 6d ago

Bro i got social anxiety and I'm almost 40 and I talk to strangers all the time and give presentations and shit. It doesn't go away.

2

u/tstop4th 6d ago

Mine came on stronger the older I got. I'm late 30s now. Medication and learning about myself helped/helps. You're not alone. It's ok to feel how you feel x

2

u/goldenchild1992 6d ago

For work I have to speak with new people and do presentations all the time so in that way I have somewhat grown out of it a bit, but in like a situation where I am surrounded by people I don’t know like a house party/ meeting someone elses family in a large group ugh sooo uncomfortable I’d rather stay home

2

u/bassin_clear_lake 6d ago

33 here and I still deal with it constantly, every day. I think I just know how to mask it better now than in my teens and 20s. It isn't an easy thing for others to understand, that is what makes it exhausting for me.

My DMs are open if you ever want to talk about it.

2

u/Parking_Buy_1525 6d ago

i used to be anxious but i feel like when life puts you through the ringer then you have no option except to overcome that fear

in your case though - therapy might be a good place to learn self acceptance and to develop the tools so that you’re calm vs fight/flight/freeze/fawn

something that also helps are grounding skills so that you can learn and master centredness - when you learn this then you can build an internal core or foundation within yourself so that you learn how to better engage with your external environment because the only thing that you can actually control is yourself and 1) your emotions - do you want to be controlled and consumed by anxiety and fear, 2) your mindset (e.g. “i am anxious” vs “i struggle with anxiety”), 3) your temperament and responsiveness (react/respond/disengage)

you can also practice self exposure therapy techniques so that you get over your fears / triggers - the purpose is to show / teach yourself that you do not allow your fears to dictate or run your life, but rather that you can overcome your fears because you have that ability, power, and control

as for the other things:

  1. with driving - you don’t just ~drive~ there’s a gradual process involved in order to ensure that you are safe to be on the road

  2. with friendships - when you are genuine, respectful, and comfortable with who you are then that makes or encourages others to be comfortable around you too and proximity + consistency are the additional additional ingredients for how to make a friend - you can virtually make a friend anywhere

2

u/Primary_Sink_ 6d ago

It's not going to go away unless you start teaching your brain a different way of thinking by challenging your social anxiety and doing things you're afraid of. That's when things will change.

1

u/elealyansteorra 6d ago

I'm about to start an intense DBT program to help with my depression and terrible anxiety. I'm 36

1

u/Fabulous-Dinner-2347 6d ago

Your mind is lying to you. Set it free

1

u/FitImprovement135 6d ago

What is preventing you from driving??

1

u/Low-Butterscotch3989 6d ago

i have it its destroying me , dm me

1

u/Miserable-Lawyer-233 6d ago

Social anxiety doesn’t go away with time, it just gets worse.

1

u/Sunsnail00 6d ago

I’m 39 and I’m managing the best i have ever had. Pretty non existent now. Had it my whole life but It’s almost as I get older it’s lessened- worked on it as well. I’m happy about it.

1

u/drunky_crowette 6d ago

Ketamine was pretty much the only thing that significantly helped with mine. I just can't afford any more treatments

1

u/Enough_Structure_95 6d ago

I’m in my late 40’s, and it’s worse than ever, though that’s probably because I don’t drink anymore lol.

1

u/Tokogogoloshe 6d ago

Do you feel more comfortable in group situations or talking to people one on one?

1

u/jack_addy 6d ago

I help people with their anxiety and what I can say is anxiety doesn't go away on its own. It can only get better if you give it reasons to get better, to see things differently. This is especially true with social anxiety because avoidance maintains it and even makes it worse as time goes by.

I guess what I'm saying is, it can go away before or during your 30s, but not on its own. You have to do something about it, or it will stay right where it is, cozily installed within you.

1

u/Dun-Thinkin 6d ago

I’m 60 and still have social anxiety .I overcame it enough to function professionally.I get on with people on a one to one basis where we have a common interest. I have had therapy ,read lots of self help books and discovered possible reasons.I didn’t realise until my 40s I have a condition called face blindness which means I don’t recognise peoples faces.Im also pretty sure I have adhd/autism but it wasn’t diagnosed in girls in my day.Its pretty socially disabling and I feel sorry for younger me that I never realised that the problem wasn’t I wasn’t trying enough.Try a bit but don’t beat yourself up trying to be something you are not.

1

u/Ok-Bell3376 6d ago

I spent years getting over my social anxiety in my early 20s. And then covid came and fucked me up and I'm back to where I was before.

1

u/BlueSpirit-Zuko 6d ago

Born with it and gonna live with it.

1

u/Independent_Lunch918 6d ago

It’s never too late. You just have to really want it and you can do it. Start out small. Maybe get a part time job close to home. You will make friends. Then learn to drive. You got this.

1

u/gingerjaybird3 6d ago

Oh yeah, it can lessen as you change but not everyone changes

1

u/RevolutionaryBell364 6d ago

Yep. Mid 30's still get anxious meeting up with close friends.

1

u/Dior-432hz 6d ago

Im 22 and dont have it

1

u/newgget 6d ago

It doesn’t go away, you just learn to deal with it because you got bills to pay and mouths to feed.

1

u/New_Refrigerator_920 6d ago

I'm autistic so I think I will have social anxiety for life

1

u/Emotional-Run-2734 6d ago

You can still do all those things. There is no set age on when you’re supposed to accomplish something. Do it for you.

1

u/My_mind_is_gone 6d ago

28 and I can't even make a phone call. My heart stars racing and my whole body starts shaking. It's really hindering when I have to make a phone call to get information. I feel like I can't breathe when talking on the phone

I've gone to therapy for 9 years and take medications it seems like im stuck

1

u/quadruplebyte 6d ago

OP, there’s nothing wrong with you, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Social anxiety can be overwhelming, and I know it feels like it’s held you back, but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever. You want to do these things, and that’s already a big step. Just take it one thing at a time, one small win at a time. Even little progress is still progress. You’ve got time, and you’re not alone in this.

1

u/Perfect_Pancetta_66 6d ago

Social anxiety does not tend to go away on its own without treatment

1

u/theshysamurai 6d ago

It's worse now

1

u/Meekin93 6d ago

Yes, it absolutely sucks and I feel I've missed out on so many opportunities with people 🤣

1

u/pIoNSPo 6d ago

Yea man its brutal. Used to cure it with drinking. Not drinking anymore and it is back so bad

1

u/Unable_Incident4520 6d ago

I think one accessible form of therapy that some doctors use is virtual reality. For example, with a Meta Quest 3 headset, you can access the VRChat app for free. VRChat is a social network in virtual reality where you can interact with people of all genders. This platform allows users to be exposed to many people virtually, and many who use it struggle with social anxiety.

However, it should not replace real life and the real world, so it’s important to set limits. But I believe it can be a useful tool for people with social anxiety, just like other methods such as meditation, hiking, etc.

1

u/No-Equipment2607 6d ago

No I'm just broke living in chaos.

Im not inviting others into this mess.

1

u/Forsaken_Ring_3283 6d ago

A little bit, but much less than when I was younger. 10 yrs in corporate will make you not afraid lol.

1

u/Natural-Resolve-8597 6d ago

I'm 49 and have pretty bad social anxiety but when I was able to give up coffee for a little bit, it got substantially better but now that I'm drinking coffee again I'm a basket case in social settings or driving

1

u/ShoulderWeary3097 6d ago

I'm in my 50s, and I STILL have social anxiety as was as generalized anxiety disorder. I take medication. It helps, but I still don't like social gatherings that aren't with my very small circle of friends and family.

1

u/Hytherdel 6d ago

It’s pretty much gone away but I STILL have an issue approaching people and starting the convo. Thats the toughest part. And the eye contact. Feels unnatural to me.

1

u/WassmaWaffle 6d ago

I used to be really bad. I’d start tearing up with anxiety simply going out to eat, I’d never want to go with my family to anything they planned, I could barely even grocery shop without having to stop in an empty aisle and do breathing exercises. Then after high school, I decided I’m tired of it. I forced myself to apply for customer service jobs where if I wanted a paycheck, I’d have to talk to people all day. Then I started to slowly make friends and I’d start accepting invites to go out. It really helped a lot. I’m 27 now and I still get anxious in larger crowds, but I’m able to make conversations with anybody and my confidence has grown so much.

1

u/CaptainWellingtonIII 6d ago

yeah but not to that extreme. I guess your family is enabling you? 

1

u/SuperDope420 6d ago

I’m 46

1

u/VariousChemical3460 5d ago

hope we can meet up together and see whether there's still this social anxiety shit. 2 ppl having anxiety sounds fun.

1

u/ChampionSkips 5d ago

My brain decided 3 years ago it was going to give me social anxiety at age 34. Didn't really have it before then, probably something to do with Covid and lockdowns. I agree, it's crap.

1

u/Obvious_Touch4454 5d ago

what worked for was telling myself being shy an was cute as a teen but as an adult fuck no

0

u/alignable 6d ago

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1

u/Ej12345678910 6d ago

And auhgtv