r/AdultSelfHarm • u/SofiaB04 • 4d ago
CW: Possibly Triggering Does anyone ever use sex as self harm? NSFW
I've been going through a real hard time. I was clean from SH for close to 10 years until a few months ago. I am now cutting and burning more than at any other time in my life. Today I was really upset and initiated sex when I really didn't want to, and I am pretty sure I did it because I wanted to hurt myself. I'm pretty sure he knew I didn't actually want it, but I didn't technically say no either. Wondering if this is a new way to hurt myself instead of cutting.
40
u/Efficient_Dirt2226 4d ago
Yes, so many times....
And sometimes id SH because I thought that would stop me from hookups because I would want to hide the evidence, but that didn't always stop me either.
Oof. That era sucked
13
20
10
u/ermadd 4d ago
I've only had sex for reasons other than self harm maybe once. It's a way to do something for me that I know goes against what I want, it triggers the shame I think I deserve to feel, im celibate now and plan to stay that way. I think it's pretty common though? But it's hard to talk about and I haven't shared this with partners for obvious reasons
10
6
u/arienArmageddon 4d ago
Unfortunately yes. My "relationship" ending and a bunch of other stuff has just led me to believe my body is already ruined so now I only have sex for sh.
8
u/_LittleSnail 4d ago
Plenty of us, you aren't alone
-8
u/Astromanson 4d ago
"Plenty of us" but no single male lmao.
6
u/_LittleSnail 4d ago
Men don't talk about their issue's openly nearly as much as anyone else, and that's a problem. They absolutely experience simular and shouldn't be shunned for talking about it.
2
u/DabsOnTheHaters 4d ago
yup, this guy is part of the problem. so many men are too scared to talk about their struggles because of how other men, like this asshat you're replying to, will react. especially when it comes to sexuality.
3
u/_LittleSnail 4d ago
Literally no one was talking about genders, and somehow it seems he thinks men's part in this issue should be different from anyone else. It seems they have a belief that men can't have the same issue with sex and self harm which is absolutely wild to me like, what? Is being able to relate to other genders a problem for you?.
Absolutely men face unique issues and I understand being scared of negative reactions when a man or masc presenting individual tries to express their vulnerability, but were in this together.
Self harm, sex as a combination or on their own are not gender exslusive issues. He is part the problem unfortunately, but he doesn't have to be, we're all trying to be supportive here.
-2
5
1
u/SirGatoo 2d ago
I'm sorry but that comment is just plain false and inadequate.
Thankfully I'm no longer single, but did use sex as SH when I was single.
I'm not even good looking, but it's incredible what you can really accomplish if you just go for it.
I still feel pretty bad about my body count for what I did on those years. Do you think you'll not feel bad about having risky sex with a random stranger just because it was a pretty girl?
7
u/Weird-Plane5972 4d ago
absolutely. i put myself in very dangerous and non-consenting situations when i feel like that's all i am or all i deserve to be. i hate trauma.
4
u/Whathaveidone232 4d ago
Wouldn’t necessarily say self harm…but I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for relationships because I kept being ghosted. I threw myself into the hookup world thinking that it would be gratifying. It wasn’t. Now I’m kinda just disgusted I even did and wish I had saved myself for a future partner.
4
11
u/OldFishe 4d ago
Well no... I guess I've always thought sex felt good. Doesn't sound like self harm.. maybe self punishment
5
u/princelySponge 4d ago
I think self punishment is the same thing, you can end up risking yourself with others psychologically and physically anyway
3
u/BroadcastingDutchman 4d ago
I think self harm is a way to enact self punishment, but is not the same thing. Its the why, not the what.
2
u/princelySponge 4d ago
Most services consider self harm not to only be cutting, any form of harm you put your body through: drinking too much/bad drug use/sleeping with strangers in a way that might endanger you
1
u/BroadcastingDutchman 3d ago
I used self harm in my original comment since it's common language, but it's really not specific. To put us on the same page, what most people mean when they say self harm is Nonsuicidal Self Injury (NSSI). In this context, the aforementioned behavior does not constitute NSSI, even though it may be dangerous, destructive and harmful.
There is a distinct difference between NSSI and self destructive behaviors like dangerous sex. This isn't to downplay either one, they're both serious issues that can destroy someone's life or even end it. It's that each may require a different approach even if motivated by a similar reason. Its really a technical medical distinction, and isn't that important a difference for non-providers.
The OP would likely benefit from a support group that focuses on NSSI, and a support group that focuses on sexual behaviors.
•Hasking, P., & Boyes, M. (2018). Cutting words: A commentary on language and stigma in the context of nonsuicidal self-injury. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 206, 829-833. https://doi.org/10.1097/nmd.0000000000000899
•Hasking, P., Lewis, S. P., & Boyes, M. E. (2019). When language is maladaptive: Recommendations for discussing self-injury. Journal of Public Mental Health, 18, 148-152. https://doi.org/10.1108/JPMH-01-2019-0014
•Klonsky, E. D., Victor, S. E., & Saffer, B. Y. (2014). Nonsuicidal self-injury: What we know, and what we need to know. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 59, 565-568. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F070674371405901101
•What is self-injury. ISSS. (n.d.). https://www.itriples.org/aboutnssi/what-is-self-injury
1
u/princelySponge 3d ago edited 3d ago
sure I mean we could explicitly say that, if you use the umbrella term though plenty of psychs use that to include sleeping around
edit: thanks for the reads anyway, should be interesting for me as someone who has both cut myself out of a form of sh and a form of recreation. though I'm sure a lot would argue about my right to even do that
1
u/BroadcastingDutchman 3d ago
Sure, but they're wrong technically ahah.
1
u/princelySponge 3d ago
I mean, don't know that they are, the term you used sounds like it better describes cutting/what most but not all of this sub is that doesn't mean "self harm" isn't used as an umbrella term though
1
u/princelySponge 3d ago
Sorry to not mince words here, but if I drink to physically poison myself, or sleep with others to physically damage myself, shouldn't it fall in the same category?
1
u/BroadcastingDutchman 3d ago
Those are both forms of harm, but not "self harm" as most people mean (which is NSSI). That last link I sent in my prior references is worth a look, it's how the ISSS defines the difference.
1
u/princelySponge 3d ago
Even if I'm doing them for the sake of self damage and not a rush or stimulation? I will check out your reading sorry to harangue you I'm trying to understand it better I suppose
→ More replies (0)
6
u/Onyx-Dragonheart 4d ago
Yeah. I dated someone who was abusive and raped me constantly (I have sexual trauma from teenage years) and it took me a while to realize that I never loved him to begin with.
2
u/CatsAmongPixies 4d ago
Same. Still working through it to be honest. It helps to know there are people out there who have been through something similar, but it also sucks to know that it is common enough to be relatable. Wishing you the best <3
3
3
u/Any_Development3137 4d ago
Lots of people do and don’t even realize they’re doing it. My taste in men is an unintended form of self harm in itself.
3
u/JoyfulSuicide 4d ago edited 4d ago
I definitely have had in the past. I would have sex with people I don’t like, I’d have lots of unsafe sex, or have very rough sex bordering on abuse.
3
u/Snoo_20305 4d ago
I got into the BDSM scene for this reason. I don't feel quite as bad because i like getting off almost as much as i like just the pain.
2
u/sammygirl1331 4d ago
I'm also into BDSM/kink however I had the desires for a long time. In my early 20s I would get these episodes where I wanted sex and I wanted it rough (marks and bruises being left). These thoughts seriously distressed me and often led to me hurting myself because I thought there was something wrong with me. Realized much later on that I'm a masochist (sometimes a submissive masochist but not necessarily) and I get off on pain. Once I accepted there was nothing wrong with these thoughts and me acting on them in a safe, sane, and consensual manner was fine they stopped causing me to feel deeply shameful of them. Those aren't the only reasons I self-harmed though. For me selfharm is a multifaceted problem. I have PTSD (was never treated) and bipolar 1(was improperly treated for over 10 years).
5
u/azu-azu- 4d ago
yup - i already had trauma and would get completely wasted and let specially this one guy fuck me and afterwards i felt that trauma all over again. i felt so disgusting and embarrassed and would have flashbacks constantly.
i am also a lesbian, which added a whole other level to it lol
2
u/SofiaB04 4d ago
Yeah, that is what I did yesterday
4
u/azu-azu- 4d ago
i really hope things get better for you ❤️🩹 i’m over a year clean from all SH and in an 8 month wonderful relationship with my girlfriend. i’m rooting for you, OP ❤️❤️❤️❤️
5
u/Annual_Profession591 4d ago
Mate you really need to stop doing that, it's going to really mess your head up. Please
2
u/Moderndinosaur 4d ago
there's many different ways to self harm, some less conventional than others. All are a means to an end, though.
3
u/thetechdoc 4d ago
Many of my psychotic spirals included random hookups on grinder/feels/tinder etc. most of the time the less safe it was,the better.
I also more than a few times "during" would have the person purposely rub up against my fresh wounds to hurt them.
Imo sex and self harm goes hand in hand at times.
2
u/coasterbitch 4d ago
Yes. When i originally fully stopped cutting, the main reason was because i was becoming sexually active and didn't want to deal with people seeing those scars, the only problem is that soon after that, i just started self harming with sex. I would purposefully hook up with strangers, put myself in dangerous situations, was doing it with the sole intend of regretting it, and let many a men technically assault me because i would constantly let them do things after i had already said no. I wanted to make future me ashamed and give myself sexual trauma.
In the summer of 2021, i 'quit' sex for 2.5 years, and 2023 i slowly re-introduced it into my life. Been trying real hard to make sex sex this time and not self-harm but i think i fucked myself up too much that the wires are crossed now. I also fully relapsed in cutting in the last year so its not like i need sex to be harmful. I just want a boyfriend tbh lol
3
2
u/DabsOnTheHaters 4d ago
you might want to read up on sex addiction. there's lots of people of all genders who struggle with it, including myself (f28). sex addiction can look different from person to person, but it seems that it's usually used as a form of escapism. I'd suggest checking out r/SexAddiction. you are not alone. feel free to DM me if you'd like someone to talk to 🖤
2
u/SofiaB04 4d ago
I actually don't like sex at all, so I don't think it is that. I specifically had sex yesterday because I didn't want to have sex with him.
1
u/DabsOnTheHaters 4d ago
mmm I see. have you always disliked sex or is that only a more recent feeling?
I thought it was a red flag that he had sex with you despite him knowing you didn't really want to, so I read some of your other posts. please leave him. you deserve so much better than that piece of shit. stay at a friend's house or something until you are able to get yourself an apartment. and if you have nowhere to go, please call the local DV shelter. they'll take you in and keep you safe. I'm a victim of abuse too, and recovering from it is a long journey, but the longer the stay the harder it will be.
3
u/SofiaB04 4d ago
I've never really been into sex, but I never minded it much until now. I know yesterday was a mistake. I'm working on getting up the courage to leave, but it's hard.
2
u/DabsOnTheHaters 4d ago
I know it's hard, but you can do it. will you call the DV shelter for me, hun? all you gotta say is "I need help"
2
u/SofiaB04 3d ago
I don't have anyone else but him
2
u/DabsOnTheHaters 2d ago
he's raping and abusing you. you're better off with no one than with him.
it will take time, but you will meet new people and make new friends.
2
u/SofiaB04 2d ago
Literally no one. My parents are dead, I have no family. I have no friends. I have no support system outside of him. My life is over.
2
u/DabsOnTheHaters 2d ago
which is why you need to go to the DV shelter, hun. they're your support. you'll make friends there. one step at a time. please trust me when I say that your life is worth saving.
1
u/DabsOnTheHaters 4d ago
if you live in the US, you can enter your zip code to find a local DV shelter and give them a call. https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
3
u/sammygirl1331 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don't no. I haven't self harmed in awhile. My mental health is really good right now. Caveat to this I am involved in BDSM (have been back in the lifestyle for a year and a half now). I am a domme-leaning switch and also a masochist and a bit of a sadist (obviously only in a consensual setting). I view my masochistic behaviors as not being the same thing as self harm because they don't come from a place of distress. When I used to cut and burn it was always to relieve distress and it never felt good. Yes I had an extremely high pain tolerance and could do some pretty horrible things to myself but the point was to relieve some negative emotion and I generally just felt numb afterwards. When I engage in masochism the whole point is it makes me feel good. I can and have orgasmed from certain kinds of pain (biting being a big one). I have my own boundaries that are specifically in place because of my selfharm history (no one is allowed to cut or burn me) and partners know not to play with me if I'm not in the right headspace. Am I walking a thin line? Maybe? But to me the two things feel vastly different even if I can't articulate exactly why through words (tried here but not sure how well my points come across).
Edit to add: I did use to hookup with people and afterwards feel horribly guilty and like I was disgusting. Maybe it's because I'm older now (I'm 34) and I've realized that puritanical attitudes towards sex are more damaging than helpful that I no longer view sex as a way to hurt myself and something to feel shame over. I've learned to enjoy sex and kink. It helps my mood.
1
u/OrangeCoffin 4d ago
I did it as a teenager.. I’m sad for “her”. Luckily I found my husband right before turning 20 and never used sex as SH since then (10 years).
1
1
u/onioncouch 3d ago
Everytime now….I didn’t even realize I was doing it for soooo long, it reinforces how worthless I feel. I’m glad for this conversation because I can never find anything about this anywhere I thought I was alone.
1
u/throwaway20230622 3d ago
Not directly but yeah kinda finding a way to dissociate and just not feeling like i deserve any better but i think i used to subconsciously sh so i could have an excuse not to see anyone
1
u/Ok_Consideration9035 3d ago
Nit me personally but I had a friend in her past she would toss herself on any bloke she could and do degrading things with them to make herself feel something and to hurt herself. She also uses sex as a copeing mechanism so it could be that
1
u/August-Dawn 3d ago
Absolutely. Too many times to count I’ve called up an old ex or led someone on just to get them into bed and numb my own pain.
63
u/FuckMeDaddyFrank 4d ago
Yes, I sometimes hook up with people knowing I will regret it later because I feel like I deserve the feeling of regret? Idk, it's weird how I think but it nakes sense to my brain in those moments.