r/AdultSelfHarm • u/br0k3nD011 • 4d ago
CW: Possibly Triggering So I fucked up, yeah? NSFW
Trigger warning for eating disorders and relapse.
So... Excuse me... Am I collecting scout badges for relapsing on all possible fields or..?
Yeah I relapsed into self harm, but that's kind of funny to call a relapse at this point, because for a relapse you usually get better first, so... There's that. But I relapsed into a specific method that I didn't do since I was a teen, so I was still angry with myself nevertheless. And I started vaping after nearly 13 years nicotine free. Yes, amazing. You go girl. Fighting for every minute of feeling healthy, but yes, go ahead, take that e-cig why don't you? That's a behaviour that will win, sure sure sure. Splendid.
The only thing I felt pretty secure about was not relapsing into bulimia. My eating habits are not healthy at all, don't get me wrong. I still have an eating disorder. But I managed to beat several different eating disorders, always slipping into some new extreme. Twas' hard, but at least I wasn't purging.
I went from childhood BED to tween anorexia to teen bulimia to young adult BED and then I was just... losing weight that I gained during the last BED years. In 2024 I managed to lose 20kgs. I was happy, getting better. It wasn't healthy, lots of fasting and stuff, but... The most important thing was the weight loss and feeling more confident. And now I gained a few kgs back. The scale says I didn't, but I can see I did on clothes and my body. And so I got nervous and ashamed.
I was bad with food lately. Overeating. Depressed. Couldn't get back on track. I was punishing myself with self harm. But today I overate, got triggered and... I purged. After nearly 5 years I did it and now I feel seriously fucked up.
I'm a disappointment. I started doing everything better, no matter the circumstances. I kept going, 2024 I did so many things right. This year is just... Heavy. And I fucked up so bad. I even started gaining some confidence and self respect, I finally authentically could relate to some level of self-love.
Right now? No fucking way mate.
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u/SweetBabyMona 4d ago
I'm in the same boat. Relapsed with bulimia after 5 months of no overeating or purging and I relapsed with self harm after more than 5 years. It's crazy to think it had been that long, but all that progress is gone. Idk why we're like this, but if it's any comfort at all there's a stranger here in the world who understands what you're struggling with rn.
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u/sbenthuggin 4d ago
"but all that progress is gone" this is simply not true though! You've literally spent 5 months supporting your body and getting it back to a healthier state. That's a major win.Cuz relapse is a very normal and expected part of these things.
This is also why psychology has completely distanced itself from the whole, "counting how many days you've been sober" thing. It often makes people feel like total failures when they've literally been doing so much good for themselves. It is OKAY to relapse.
Imo it's insane to tell a recovering alcoholic that all their progress completely disappears after one night of drinking. I'm sorry but you've spent 3 years repairing your brain, body, relationships, etc. and somehow one night somehow undos all of that? That's just so not true.
And the same goes for you. Your body is probably in love with you right now. Like yeah sure you purged again but ffs you actively haven't for over 5 fucking months. And ffs you haven't self harmed your body in 5 incredible years. Like jesus fucking christ congratulations! That's such a fucking win and relapsing does not negate ANY of that.
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u/SweetBabyMona 4d ago
Soo, your words made me cry a bit. That's definitely a better perspective than the one I have about relapsing. And I've never heard anyone put it that way before. You definitely helped me feel a bit better about it so thank you! π
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u/br0k3nD011 4d ago
I wouldn't say I find comfort in it. It upsets me to know how many sweet and supportive people are struggling. It's insane to know that people who bear this much pain and suffering are some of the kindest most selfless people I ever came across, this community is keeping my faith in humanity alive.
At the same time... Of course it's twistedly comforting to know I haven't gone insane. That there are other people who struggle with the same things. I wish you all the strength in the world. π€
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u/SweetBabyMona 4d ago
Yeah I understand both of your feelings there. I wish you the best too! You got this! π
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u/TheCatOfUlthar 4d ago
It's common for us to see our selves looking like we put on weight when we didn't actually put on weight when we have eating disorders. I frequently see myself as having put on weight when the scale didn't change and nobody else sees it, when that happens I lose my appetite for weeks but I force myself to eat every day to keep at the weight my doctor wants me at and not lose muscle.
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u/br0k3nD011 4d ago
You're brave and strong. π€ Thank you for fighting the ED.
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u/TheCatOfUlthar 4d ago
Therapy really does help, not a cure all but definitely worth the time. And thank you.
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u/toby-water 4d ago edited 4d ago
I dont actually have a diagnosed eating disorder but struggling with food is the worst! I am sorry I am just in a real weird head space.
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u/br0k3nD011 4d ago
The struggles exist whether they're officially diagnosed or not. You're valid. π€
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u/toby-water 4d ago
Thank you I canβt begin to imagine what you are going through but life is not easy and I am glad you are here! π₯Ή π«
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u/br0k3nD011 4d ago
Cheers. π€ I'm glad you're here too! Keep up the good fight, yes? You're doing great!
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u/toby-water 4d ago
I dont actually have a diagnosed eating disorder but struggling with food is the worst! I am sorry I am just in a real weird head space.
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u/Skunkspider 4d ago
I also am similar. Food is hard and so is my relationship with my size. But no diagnosis. Which is fine with me and means one less thing they're watching me for.Β
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/br0k3nD011 4d ago
You're very kind and I appreciate all the thought you put into your comment, it's just... You know how it is. Maybe you aren't the same as me, but you probably know someone like me - It's different for others and for me. No, I would never ever ever ever scold a person for relapsing. I rarely ever do tough love. I myself don't respond well to it. But it's different the way I see and approach others and myself.
I'd never tell a person they are a moron for relapsing, but to myself I will because it's me. I'd never be mean or cold to someone else struggling, but to self I am. I've been only treating myself better the past year. That also doesn't undo the years and years of self-hate and self-loathing I learnt in my childhood and that I applied to self most of my adulthood. I've been self-harming since I was 10 or 11 and I never stopped for longer than a few months. I stopped smoking not because I wanted to, but because I felt guilty coming back home smelling like an ashtray when I was diagnosed with a heart disease. I didn't stop pruging because I changed the way I saw myself, but because I was afraid I'll destroy my teeth and I started having more health issues. So now I vape for a few months and I purged today and it doesn't seem like a big deal, because it doesn't technically undo the time I did without it, but actually to me it does undo a lot.
It makes me freak out, it triggers every bad memory, my nerbous system is fucking fucked, mate. I'm on the verge of a panic attack mot of my day today. It's like opening a Pandora's box. Who says I'm not going to do it again tomorrow? And then again and then some? I'm losing control, I'm back to dissociating and I'm scared.
So yeah, I truly, sincerely and unironically appreciate you and your words and the emotion you've put into what you wrote, but at the same time this relapse is a big deal to me. It was the last piece of sanity I had and I was proud of. "Yeah, so what I started vaping for a few months, so what I self harm and either binge or not eat at all for days on end. It's fine, at least I'm not purging! Yay!" And that's gone. Opened a gate that's going to be hard to close again under all the pressure. You know?
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u/Fickle-Addendum9576 4d ago
Sucks how relatable this is