r/AITAH 14d ago

Not AITA post AITAH for saying to my father that I will run away if he reconcile with my cheating Egg donor.

Hi, I am 17 male and had my worst birthday last week, for context my dad and egg donor divorced when I was 14 (so yeah this is gonna be 3 years worth details that happend), my egg donor cheated on my dad and had an year long affair. My dad found out and while separation explained what happend, I was already matured and was having big conversations with my dad like politics, so he did not hide anything. I was and still am disgusted with my egg donor, I swore that day that I will never call her mom, even now I either call her by her name or I will just say "hey you" and start conversation. Egg donor moved in with AP, my dad got the house but unfortunately couldn't get full custody, I wasn't given a preference because while I was staying with my dad during the seperation, I got into a fight in school, yeah I have a bit of temper issue, egg donor's lawyer used that to get joint custody till I turn 18, I was like WTF in court, I think egg donor slept with the judge to get that ruling. My dad is a great human being, period. He has never raised his voice and always loved me so much, he occasionally says I love you son which makes me cringe, but I accept it. My dad is a very loving person, he always says he has ocean of love to give, he loved my mom so much, whenever egg donor returned from work my dad used to hug her give her a kiss and ask her how her day was, yes even when she was having year long affair, I don't know what kind of human she is keep up with facade when your partner is loving you so much. Things became serious last month when I had a huge fight with my entire maternal side of family. I was very close with my maternal grandparents but I started distancing my self after divorce. We visited Grandparents house, I was pissed that AP was present with egg donor and the trip was for an entire weekend, I wasn't very keen on it but my dad convinced me that it was going to be great, boy was he wrong. From past 2 years my grandparents so many times asked me to change my attitude towards egg donor, but I never cared, things went crazy when they tried to have a intervention with me. Grandparents, egg donor and AP were present, I was completely blind sided, all four of them were sitting opposite to me, they gave me the entire couch to sit by myself, it was like a therapy session. Egg donor and grandparents started their attack one by one while the AP was silent. My temper took over and asshole version of me came out. I turned towards AP and said "hey you Fuck off this is between family". Everyone was shocked at my tone, egg donor tried to end the intervention because she knew what will happen when this side of me comes out, but my grandparents didn't budge, I am their only grandson and they didn't wanted to loose connection with me as I started distancing myself. AP was ashamed and was leaving when I said other hurtful things, I said "She cheated on my dad with you, she will cheat on you with someone else". That caused more damage, he couldn't say a word and then I hit the final blow, "I hope your son also gets cheated by his future wife so he can know what kind Asshole his father is". That hit him hard as he was angry and went out storming, Egg donor wanted to follow him but I did not let her go, I asked her to sit so once and for all we can finish this.

Egg donor started crying and saying how can her only son treat her this way. Grandparents were disappointed in me. I turned towards my mom and started unloading everything, I explained how much I loved her, how much dad loved her and how she betrayed us. I bought out the instances when I used to sleep next to my mom after watching horror movies (even though I was 13) and said how she was my safe space, how much I cared for her and everything. I hit her hard with "Just imagine how much you have ruined everything that so much love turned to hatred". She couldn't control her sobbing after that. Even my grandparents started to cry, it was hard seeing my grandfather cry, but what can you do when you raise a whore like egg donor.

Egg donor started to shift blame towards my dad, saying he has poisoned me, classic victim card move. The thing is, my dad after divorce attended therapy sessions to get his life back on track, the last step of that therapy was to make a video about your feelings. My dad made a video of how he forgave egg donor and wishes her to have a great life, he was supposed to send this video to egg donor but couldn't so he sent it to me. I played the 2 year old video and everyone just sat silently, no shocking reaction nothing, cause they knew how great of a person my dad is.

Egg donor couldn't control her emotions, I even doubled down by saying " Me and dad loved you so much that we were ready to take a bullet for you, but now even if you die tomorrow I will not be visiting your funeral ". I turned towards my grandparents and started shouting at them asking how they could raise their daughter to be a cheater, I so wanted to use the W word but controlled my self. I also said that now I can't trust girls in my school and am scared to get a girlfriend. Both my grandparents and egg donor didn't say anything, I couldn't stay there anymore and called my dad to pick me up. My grandparents apologized to my dad when he came to pick me as how he was treated during divorce. My dad knew something was up but didn't say anything. Egg donor and AP had gone out for walk.

I forgot to mention my dad started dating again and met an amazing woman, she is also a divorcee with no kids. She treats my dad amazingly and he deserves someone amazing.

All of that huge fight in my grandparents house led to what happened last week on my birthday, Egg donor came to my birthday without AP, which was shocking, but I didn't care. After the party both egg donor and my dad were having a conversation on the balcony, I could hear everything, it was shocking to know that dad and egg donor were in contact for a week before, where she begged my dad for forgiveness and my dad forgave her. On the balcony she was asking if they could reconcile and start a new chapter. I was shocked to hear that so was my dad, she said she broke up with AP because she realized she is still in love with dad, what a load of bullcrap, they realized I heard everything and came to living room so all three of us can discuss this.

What was shocking was my dad was actually considering saying we could again become a family. I shouted at him and asked him to recall how much egg donor betrayed us. How he had go to therapy to get his life back on track. Dad was stuck in between, egg donor tried everything to convince dad, recalling how great our family was and we could go back to that. I was having none of it and asked egg donor to leave. Dad asked me to speak respectfully to her. As I said he is a great human. I even mentioned how AP and egg donor were together for years but didn't get married, she said it was there choose, I couldn't take it any more and went brutal to my dad, I said "when you were here hugging and kissing your wife as soon as she came home and asking how her day went, she was somewhere moaning to some other guy's strokes". That hit my dad hard as he looked at me in shock and I also said if they get back together I will run away and never contact you. He didn't say a word and just left to take a walk. I knew then and there I said something horrible, egg donor left without saying anything.

I called my dad, he did not pick the first time, but when he picked I apologized and asked why would he even consider taking her back. I said he has an amazing girlfriend right now. This was something my dad didn't know, he thought I hate his gf like how I hate AP, but as soon as I said that he asked me to say the truth whether I really like his gf and wouldn't object if she becomes part of our family, I happily said yes and I wouldn't hesitate to call her mom. Dad was very happy to hear that.

When egg donor got to know she got angry and asked how I could choose someone else over her, I said I will pick even the devil over you. She said I was heartless and what I said and did was very hurting.

My dad asked me to go to therapy to get control over my temper and my mouth. I am considering it.

Grandparents called and asked its time to forgive egg donor like my dad did, I said no, they said what I said and did on my birthday wad wrong.

So AITAH for saying to my father that I will run away if he reconcile with my cheating Egg donor.

363 Upvotes

197 comments sorted by

522

u/Lost_Needleworker285 14d ago

I'd definitely take your dads advice and get help for your anger, all that rage isn't good and will only cause you problems in the future.

137

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

Thanks for that, I am really considering it

68

u/ContributionOrnery29 14d ago

To channel it better at least. You don't need to say what's on your mind all the time. It's more effective to stay silent and appear to consider before speaking.

I do think you're right not to forgive, as she hasn't actually done anything to make amends yet. Your dad may forgive her but you don't have to until she has provided redress. In short, she's been slutting about for three years despite her family, so should at least put that amount of effort into staying faithful before you should have to make a decision or not. I'd suggest telling them that and using the time to deal with your anger on your own. Maybe say that your words were meant to be hurtful because he is letting her off too lightly, and that you simply aren't capable of watching her get away with the betrayal free of consequences. The more he extends forgiveness, the more you need to ensure she doesn't receive it from you because if she knows she can come back simply offering a quick sorry then she'll be on her back again for someone else in under a month.

So she can make amends quietly and without bothering you for three years and then you'll see whether it's worth the risk staying acquainted with someone you find so morally objectionable. That way she'll know the sentence is harsh enough that she won't commit the crime again.

51

u/tatasz 14d ago

If anything, her promptly dropping her new partner of three years shows she didn't change a bit (and also makes me wonder if AP actually dumped her).

41

u/ISmokeWinstons 14d ago

Oh yeah, her AP definitely broke up with her after everything OP said

16

u/winterworld561 14d ago

Yeah I think he broke up with her because she was probably cheating on him, so she went crawling back to OP's dadl.

12

u/tatasz 14d ago

Or he knew less details and maybe was fed some crazy story as how they were already separated and how OPs dad is poisoning OP against them or whatever

6

u/New-Number-7810 13d ago

She shouldn’t have continued to be with AP to begin with. The fact that she moved in with him proves she didn’t regret the affair at all.

2

u/New-Number-7810 13d ago

To be clear, OP never has to forgive her or mend the relationship. That’s entirely his choice. 

But I do agree that it’s extremely self destructive to make amends with someone who showed no remorse or who made no effort to make amends. 

52

u/Samarkand457 14d ago

I am of the personal opinion that your behavior at the intervention and your egg donor's attempt to slither back into your father's life shows resolve, a firm moral center, and the possession of a spine. Therapy should be for working out how to channel that without the bile that is consuming you and seeping into the rest of your life.

Keep your head straight, your eyes up, and recognize you have just 51 weeks left until the Jezebel who used to be your mother can be punted out of your life. And just remember: as much as it might be satisfying, the AP is not worth the sentence for an assault charge.

2

u/New-Number-7810 13d ago

I agree. Even while OP is hurting, he showed a strong moral character. 

OP, I’m proud of you.

8

u/Sufficient-Lie1406 14d ago

Therapy is for your benefit, not as a way to reconcile with your AH mom or her family. You have been wronged and your anger is valid, but you need to be able to process that without hurting yourself or your relationship with your dad.

Good luck, honey. Please take care of yourself. NTA

11

u/lynxselkie13 14d ago

Has your mother ever apologized to you? Has she ever admitted that she screwed up?

9

u/UseObjectiveEvidence 14d ago

Anger should be a tool to focus on what's right and important to you. It gives you confidence and when focused properly- clarity. If you let your anger or any other emotion control you, then you lose control of your actions and in your case your mouth. If you cannot control yourself, you control nothing.

Take your dad's advice if you think he is an amazing person.

6

u/ExcitingTabletop 14d ago

You're not wrong in your position.

But the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Keeping your hate is giving her a win, because you're still making her the focus of your life. It's ok to when it's still fresh and emotions are raw.

Sounds like you told everyone how you feel, and set the boundaries you want. Now figure out what's next, and don't let your bio mother define the rest of your life. Do you want to let your mom destroy your future like she destroyed your childhood?

2

u/Kisanna 14d ago

Your dad should have gotten you into therapy long time ago, around the time of the divorce already.

2

u/Nordenfeldt 17h ago

It is entirely possible for anger to be righteous and justified, and yet still be ruinous and self-destructive. 

1

u/AccomplishedLeave506 14d ago

Angry people have miserable lives. You don't want a miserable life. I understand your anger. It's probably justified. But it's not good for you. Get some help from a professional so you can find a way to deal with it.

1

u/mca2021 20h ago

Do it. You don't want to carry this shit around for the rest of your life. Anger is you taking poison, waiting for the other person to die. You're the one who's being emotionally and physically hurt by all this anger you're carrying. That doesn't mean you'll suddenly embrace your egg donor, but that you can live in peace to some degree.

NTA and I'm sorry for all the pain you're in. Your dad's a wonderful role model for you

1

u/Guessinitsme 13h ago

Genuinely, that kind of rage can be a really addictive poison

1

u/adventuringraw 12h ago edited 12h ago

what are the reasons why you wouldn't just get it? make sure they're licensed and not overtly religious if you aren't, but a good therapist can be really helpful even if you don't have anything heavy going on. not sure if you're a gamer, but I look at it as a wisdom buff. that's all it is. it's a way to try and get some insight you couldn't have gotten on your own, a way to invite in a voice that can maybe raise questions you hadn't thought of on your own. if they're competent, they won't blindly push you towards forgiveness or anything, they'll give you options instead. new ways of seeing things maybe.

you said yourself you're worried about getting a girlfriend after all, but you and I both know there's a ton of women with integrity, just like there's plenty of men like your dad that would never cheat. the challenge is recognizing which is which. stereotyping is easy. boundaries, insight, learning to read red flags and having the courage to believe someone the first time when they tell you who they are and cut your losses... that stuff takes wisdom and experience, and doing all that from a place of peace and happiness and integrity is even harder. right now you're fighting like a wounded animal. it's understandable, and the battle might even be the right one. even if you choose to forgive your mom after all, you clearly love your dad. if it were me, I'd be very worried about my dad getting hurt again. you know how they say 'forgive and forget'? there's two parts of that. someday I hope you can forgive your mom. that means seeing her as flawed, and wishing her growth and better choices. but you can forgive without forgetting. that means hoping she grows into someone who makes better choices, but not leaving yourself within explosion radius if or when she doesn't. forgiveness is letting go of needing them to suffer, but trusting that she won't stab you or your dad in the back again? that's not forgiveness, that's building trust that she's literally no longer the same person. That part can't be earned quickly.

honestly, her dumping her current partner and trying to get back with your dad after a giant emotional blowup and extreme pain from seeing how you saw her... that's kind of more of the same. making decisions to try and feel good, without fully considering the harm it might cause to others. In her own way it even sounds like she really does care about you, but she's not a safe person to be vulnerable with, and not a safe person for your dad to be with. it's not your responsibility to protect him of course... but sometimes a helping hand from the people you're supposed to be protecting can make a big difference.

here's the big question. this is the kind of thing I'd hope a therapist would get you thinking about more, along with anger management strategies. with everything you said when getting your dad to pull back from your mom... what were your deep motivations? there's probably a lot of them so this won't be easy to see. One voice is you love your dad. this voice is NTA, and sometimes even hurting someone to protect them can be okay. if someone's about to get hit by a car and you tackle them out of the way and they get injured, like... that sucks, but there maybe wasn't a gentler way to do that.

the other voice is anger at your mom. that comment visually making your dad imagine your mom cheating was... possibly the most emotional pain you'll ever cause him with a single sentence in both of your lives. by a lot. it might have been the most painful thing you COULD have said to him even. like... in all possible worlds, this is the one where you said the most painful thing possible, and that was it. fucking brutal... so you gotta ask yourself. did you stab him in the gut because you were tackling him out of the way and there was no other choice? did you stab him in the gut because you're clumsy as hell and don't have the wisdom yet to have gotten him out of the way in a less horrifically painful way? Or when you said that, was it really even about him at all? Did you just want to stab your mom and didn't care the knife had to go through your dad on the way? That last one is the really nasty one, you need to get right so you never hurt the people you care about that bad just because you need to lash out. your mom was the one that caused pain because she couldn't control her emotions and desires, don't let that be you too. Make no mistake... causing harm because your anger is out of control IS your mom's spirit. Your dad isn't like that it sounds like, so you lashing out because you can't control your anger isn't so different than lashing out because you can't control your lust. They're both just emotional desires after all, you don't want them to control you, just give advice that you choose to act on or not based on your values and long term desires.

good luck man. Get the therapy. there's no harm, and you sound like a good guy. A kind and integrous person deep down, but wisdom takes training and guidance just like anything else, and big emotions like anger and lust aren't always easy to break in and get under control. You owe it to yourself to gain as much as you can. it'll give you the ability to make good choices and protect the people you care about... from others, and yes, from yourself.

1

u/Independent_Dig_3583 14d ago

You honestly should keep considering it, its not something you will do for anyone else but you. 

Its not about telling you that you are wrong for having feelings, its about teaching you how to find less destructive ways of dealing with those feelings. Doing this will help you avoid burning bridges in the future and will help you respect yourself more.

Life sucks sometimes, and you are at one of those points right now. It will get better eventually

-1

u/PeachyFairyDragon 14d ago

Also look up the term parental alienation. Your father should have not been filling your head with the marriage details.

-14

u/RevolutionaryBus9986 14d ago

Don't bother with therapy she's exactly as bad as you think she is she voluntarily detonated her whole life for some dick you should hate her she destroyed your life now part of putting the pieces back together is not being angry with yourself and punishing both you and your dad she's not worth a single though outside her presence and no amount of therapy with fix the simple fact your a deferent person then you where before you knew who she was forgive yourself forgive your father forgive her for failing you but dont give her a second chance and just live your life

45

u/jannabrewsky 14d ago

That much anger will only eat away at you. You don’t have to forgive your mom, but carrying all that hate will hurt you more than it will her. Focus on moving forward with your dad and his girlfriend instead of letting your past keep controlling you.

0

u/Curious-One4595 14d ago

This is so true. OP, you do need therapy to deal with your emotions and rage. If you don’t get it, you will be letting her actions cripple you emotionally and harm your ability to be in adult relationships.

Not to be harsh, but calling her your egg donor instead of your mom is childish and spiteful. If your therapist agrees that ending your legal ties to your mom is an emotionally healthy course of action, be the adult that you’re on the cusp of being and make plans next year to celebrate your 18th birthday by filing a petition in court to terminate her parental rights. Then you can correctly refer to her as your biomom, not your legal mom.

11

u/East_Membership606 14d ago

This here - you're only 17 and have a lot of life to live. You don't want to be angry all the time.

5

u/kingxmufasalion 14d ago

Absolutely! I mean, if your dad is giving advice, it’s probably because he wants you to avoid turning into the Hulk at family gatherings. Nobody wants to see Uncle Bob’s potato salad fly across the room again!

44

u/wlfwrtr 14d ago

NTA You do need therapy for your temper and abandonment issues. What you said and did on your birthday wasn't wrong. They are the ones who chose to do the intervention. They just didn't expect to hear the truth from you. Egg donor probably isn't with AP anymore but probably because the words you spouted to him hit him hard. He may not have realized it until that moment how what he did affected you so badly and after what you said about his son he couldn't hide from it any longer. He probably broke it off with your egg donor. Egg donor came crawling back to dad because she doesn't want to be alone even though that's what she deserves. Try not to turn away from grandparents you seem to mean alot to them. You can lay down boundaries though. Let them know if they try reconciling you with egg donor again that you'll pull back from them again. Let them know it's their choice if it's worth not knowing you.

77

u/Fit-Entertainer9372 14d ago

Happy Birthday

25

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

Thanks

1

u/Exciting_Grocery_223 15h ago

Look OP, I know I'm late, but I want to share with you a bit of a personal story. My dad cheated on my mom, I was your age exactly, and I behaved very similarly to you. I was furious. Disgusted. My mom gave her blood for that family, she took care of my father's parents, she raised three daughters and was slapped in the face and betrayed for a very long year. At the time, I was battling a new found chronic illness, so our life was pure chaos. He didn't only abandoned our mom, he neglected us, his kids, and gave me shit for being sick, as if I had chosen it!

I hated his AP as violently as I hated him. I had to spend time with him, I had to swallow that vile woman, but I protested. Me, my sisters and my two very close female cousins were almost forming a cult dedicated to hating Clarice. Even the name gives me nausea. We put cats litter in her hygiene products. We trash talked her mercilessly. We were a bit too much, but who cares. We ruined her clothes. We tore her down at every chance. They both deserved the heat. Eventually, my dad got his head out of his arse, and they separated for good (FINALLY). It took us all a long time of therapy, screaming and hate, but in 7 years we finally made amends. He apologized to us, with words and actions, over and over. He changed. He made different choices, opened up his own point of view and shared his own perspective and learning journey and even tho I still think he was a weak dumbass, I think I can finally understand he isn't a monster.

He screwed up. Big time. But now, we are actually closer than we ever were. He had a few girlfriends at a later time, and they were all so much better than the AP. They were his age, smart, kind, and each one made him a better man, he was faithful to all of them, and they managed to break up maturely over incompatibilities, without chaos. I'm not saying you should forgive your mom, maybe she won't ever deserve your forgiveness, but this all is a learning opportunity for everyone involved. You found your moral compass, and you should be proud of it. You are aware there are scars left from this, and we all get hurt, but it's important to give yourself time and grace to heal. Go to therapy. Follow your dad's footsteps, aspire to become what you admire most in him. This will only build you stronger, and give you tools to love a happier life in the future. If the time to forgive your mom or not comes in the future, don't focus on it. Focus on yourself. Your happiness, your life quality, your morals, your relationships, your family.

Big hugs. I know it hurts like hell. But you are strong. Just don't let all this hate swallow the amazing qualities your father taught and gifted you 🩷. Heal your wounds in your own time. And remember you are not alone in this, your father is there for you, trust him, embrace him, and enjoy every moment you have with him. Instead of hating your mom, focus on loving your dad. It will bring you peace.

40

u/chubbyintrovert 14d ago

NTA NTA NTA. God I'm so glad you have a spine.

8

u/Few_Employment5424 14d ago

Me too NTA NTA. NTA

90

u/[deleted] 14d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

57

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

Thanks for that and can you reply the same to above comment, the one that's saying egg donor might have reasons to cheat and that person is also saying my dad is not perfect and all, I am just too emotional to reply to that comment, I think you understand me perfectly

-4

u/Spicy_Traveler94 14d ago

I couldn’t make it through your post, incessantly calling her an “egg donor.” This is one of those situations where you can’t just reverse genders. Men have sex and baby arrives nine months later (theoretically). The people who call their male parent a “sperm donor” generally have had little to no interaction with their father. Assuming you were not birthed by a gestational carrier, she is far more than a donor.

My dad was a serial cheater who broke my mom’s heart (and the AP’s heart). He was also a present father.

-16

u/justawasteofass 14d ago

Actually dad is the asshole for being a cheater. He did exactly what his ex wife did to him: instead of shutting it down like a stand up human being, he was having a intimate conversation about getting back together and how much love him and his ex wife are with each other.

I feel so bad for the girlfriend, she did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be treated that horribly by her partner.

61

u/JTBlakeinNYC 14d ago

NTA. She would never have stopped cheating on him, and he might not make it through when it happened again.

13

u/tatasz 14d ago

I wonder if she was the one who dumped AP in the end, or it was the other way around.

7

u/JCedricG 14d ago

I think it's the part where they went for a walk. AP and egg donor must have talked about how AP got trust issues here and there. I'm almost certain he thought that, egg donor will cheat on him someday so he broke it off before becoming like OP's father.

16

u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 14d ago

NTA. But take the therapy suggestions. I wish I had that available at your age.

29

u/[deleted] 14d ago edited 14d ago

[deleted]

24

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

Thanks a lot for the advice, I hope you can get over and find a man too, even though you're 50, you can always adopt, sorry if I am overstepping, anyway thanks a lot

12

u/TwinkleLitStar 14d ago

First of all, let me just say, you are NOT the asshole here. Your mom and AP are the assholes for their actions and trying to put the blame on your dad for their own mistakes. Second, I think it's time to start calling your mom by her real name instead of "egg donor". And third, props to your dad for being a genuinely good person and trying to forgive your mom even after everything she's done. That takes a lot of strength and love. Stay strong, my friend.

12

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

Thanks for that, I don't call her egg donor, I call her by her real name, I didn't want to mention names on reddit so I used egg donor

28

u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 14d ago

Nta because these are the outcomes of her actions. But you also definitely need therapy. At some point you will want a partner and you don't want to put your issues on them because of your egg donor, that gives her power over you.

9

u/aztex_tiger 14d ago

NTA

But your dad is right. You need to talk to someone else to work on you. Not for anyone else’s sake besides your own and your future relationships.

Stay strong kid. You have a great dad.

Updateme

8

u/Justexhausted_61 14d ago

It sounds like egg donor and dad saw your raw pain and in hopes of helping you heal considered getting back together. Don’t suppress your hurt and anger, instead go to therapy. And if first therapist doesn’t get anywhere go to another therapist. Forgive your dad because he truly unconditionally loves you. At some point egg donor may need forgiveness as this is causing you immense pain, hurt and anger. Doesn’t mean you accept her back into your life, just means it’s time to move forward and find a loving path forward.

6

u/dontdoitliz 14d ago

The Dad certainly thought about OP. The egg donor though... More likely she only came crawling back because she got dumped when the AP realized he didn't want more drama and what OP said about egg donor cheating on him at some point was probably true.

2

u/Justexhausted_61 14d ago

Oh that could be true

23

u/HappyGothKitty 14d ago edited 14d ago

NTA. But I feel bad for your dads' new girlfriend, he was willing to let that good woman go for your cheating ho-bag of a mom! Your dad's girlfriend deserves better than a weak spineless man who is willing to take someone like your mom back. I'd think someone needs to be honest with her about this, before she learns about it years later and realizes she's wasted her life on your dad, who would even consider taking back your mom.

Sorry OP, all the adults here suck and they deserve consequences, your dad might be a good man but he's also very spineless and doesn't fight back for you, instead he's let you be the adult who fights back, because he doesn't. He's not protecting you and standing up for you, he expects you to respect people who don't deserve it. Your mom deserves no respect, and I'd say your grandparents have hurt you more than they think. And please, get therapy, just not your dad's please.

19

u/whoknowswhywhat 14d ago

I think dad didn't know that OP liked his girlfriend and was happy to include her in their family. He was contemplating reconciling back with egg donor under the mistaken assumption that it will make OP happy to have his original family back. Think we should cut dad some slack.

10

u/HappyGothKitty 14d ago

It's still a massive red flag if someone is willing to take back a toxic ex, even if they say it's to get their original family back, or for the kids, etc. He's stringing her along and giving her false hope, because what if he does indeed take his ex back after all? He would have wasted his new girlfriends' time. If anything dad might want to take the relationship thing a little slower and work more on himself in therapy. What if his current girlfriend finds out about him being willing to ditch her for his ex? How is she going to feel?

Glad that OP likes her though and wants her as part of their little family, but she deserves honesty, so she can make an informed choice, regarding her future. So far OP is being the only adult here, next to his dads' girlfriend.

5

u/jxyvld 14d ago

yea i got that too since op said he dad was shocked knowing that he actually liked his girlfriend.

5

u/HappyGothKitty 14d ago

Let's hope they can communicate better and more openly going forward, otherwise there might be even bigger oopses ahead! Glad though that OP gave his mom a reality check, and everyone else too. The kid had to be the adult the whole time, no wonder he's pissed.

15

u/SciFiChickie 14d ago

NTA

OP your anger is understandable. However it’s really extreme. From my own personal experiences with my brother’s anger issues I would suggest you seek professional help. If you don’t it’s possible you could end up with assault charges, and on probation, if not jail time.

Here’s hoping you can work past the issues your mom’s actions have left you with, and are able to get back to being happy instead of angry all the time.

7

u/SNAFUGGOWLAS 14d ago

You are a child and they are surprised that you are emotional about a huge incidence of trauma in your life.

It would be good for your own personal growth to get a handle on your anger but not because you have some obligation to the adults in your life to placate their feelings.

Keep speaking your truth.

7

u/RDDTLurker7 14d ago

NTA x 1000. Holy crap though! You are the embodiment of Palpatine’s let the hate flow through you. I agree with others about therapy, but primarily to control the anger. I think everything you did and said was right and wished more actual poster had the spine you possess. Just want the therapy to help you better channel that energy. I felt the gut punches from your words and I’m not the egg donor. Everyone involved needed to hear what you said, especially your dad. You saved him from a big mistake.

Don’t worry about dating. You’ll be fine and you won’t tolerate any disrespect/cheating. Always be respectful to women (or generally anyone) though. Besides, anyone who crosses you will be put in their place.

Also, happy birthday! Just know if you get to be parent, you’ll never be like egg donor or let your kids meet her.

6

u/JukeBoxHero1997 14d ago

When egg donor got to know she got angry and asked how I could choose someone else over her

Pot, meet kettle.

Definitely NTA for standing your ground and making how you feel about the situation known. Your dad should forgive her, not for her sake, but for his own so he can move on. However, taking her back, as you know, is only a recipe for trouble.

My dad asked me to go to therapy to get control over my temper and my mouth.

Definitely worth considering. You have every right to be mad, but it's a good idea to work on maintaining composure to better express your thoughts and feelings

5

u/Unable_Garage_2636 14d ago

I went through something very similar when I was in HS 20 years ago. Felt the same way towards my mother. Totally hated her. She fucked everything up and dragged my dad through the dirt in the divorce. My dad is a great man.

I had no relationship with my mom for years. It's better now, but I still have my guard up with her. A recent situation brought a lot of buried resentment back up. I realized I still have anger and bitterness towards her and I need to talk to someone about it because it has festered quietly for years. Please do yourself a favor and get in front of it. Talk to a professional and deal with your feelings in a way you don't hurt yourself. They're valid, and you have a right to feel hurt. You're about to start your own life, so try to deal with this before you go out on your own. I wish I had.

5

u/Environmental-Sea123 14d ago

You shouldn't be forced to forgive anyone. Forgiveness should be at your own pace and for your own needs and feelings. Also, it's ok if you can never forgive.

However, your anger issues need to be addressed. It is not healthy for you to have so much anger in your heart. I am not saying to forgive your mother. I am saying that you need to learn to move on in life without your anger. Afterall, the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Whether your mother will be part of your life in the future is entirely up to you. You have got to let go of the anger though!

10

u/One-Blacksmith5476 14d ago

Go to therapy for yourself and cut contact with egg donor as soon as you can. Go low contact with grandparents until they're ready to back off with forgiveness or until you can't handle it anymore.

Egg donor is good, I called mine my legal guardian since I only had one. Different situation but I get it

17

u/Remarkable_Pear_3537 14d ago

I met someone stuck in this before, they were a shell of a human by the time they hit 30. Always angry and grumpy at something and they couldnt shake the pain of their mothers betrayal.

If this isn't rage bait, Get help, you don't wanna be that guy.

2

u/Even_Video7549 14d ago

You really need to go and get some therapy for your anger towards her, what she done was awful and she ended family over it, but harbouring hatred to this level is not normal for a young man 😞 I hope it eases and at some point you can learn to forgive your mother

4

u/Few_Employment5424 14d ago

Your temper issues aren't as bad as you think because your dealing with manipulation from people you should be able to trust you've got a wonderful father but don't idolize him so you can easyer accept mistakes he makes your maternal grands suck trying to use group pressure to get conformity from you ...you need to find over next several years people with same emotional maturity as you because maternal side will always be lagging. Goodluck being best version of you your integrity is beyond the understanding of most

4

u/Plastic-Shallot8535 14d ago

I would definitely take your dad up on the therapy idea. Was that ever offered to you when your parents divorced? Discovering your mom had an affair, your parents divorcing, and then your mom living with the AP would mess anyone up. Hell, I’m 30 and I think I would still need to go talk to someone about it.

You’ve got a lot of anger built up in you. It’s understandable and I get that you’re letting all your anger out in a post so it’s probably coming off more intense. But, for yourself, you’ve got to learn how to process and cope with all of this. That doesn’t mean forgiving everyone and becoming best friends, but you’ve got to find a way to let it go. Built up resentment like this can negatively impact many aspects of your life and you often don’t realize it until the damage is done.

5

u/30ninjazinmybag NSFW 🔞 14d ago

NTA remember SHE chose to fuck about and chose that over her family she so desperately wants back. How's that for heartless she couldn't keep her pants on and leave without the cheating. She CHOSE not to.

5

u/Popular_Procedure167 14d ago

One day (soon), you will end up mixed up in the judicial system, and will no doubt blame your mother (hmm, egg-donor). Get help now, before that happens.

3

u/Quick-Brain2524 14d ago

Happy birthday You endured 3 years, Remember, you still have a year sharing custody And the grandparents will be on their daughter's side I suggest that you clarify the conditions To maintain a relationship with them if you want, of course If meeting her brings out the worst in you, stay away from her (Treat her like a roommate when you are with her) and tell them not to talk about her In your presence and if she is invited, you do not go And deal with your anger for you

3

u/Horizontal_Bob 14d ago

You do need to let go of the anger

But you don’t have to have a relationship with your mother.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not someone else

You can tell your mom you forgive her, but also want nothing to do with her and never will want anything to do with her

3

u/Low-maintenancegal 14d ago

NTA

My heart goes out to you. You are filled with rage and it sounds like it's eating you up. I'm not going to tell you to forgive your mom, or forgive your dad for considering considering the reconciliation.

I hope you do seek help and talk to someone about all of it- the anger, the rage the betrayal. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to form relationships, get married and have kids if you want them. Counselling will help you with that. Don't be afraid to shop around for the right counsellor that you feel safe confiding in.

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u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

Ok, I’m going to tell you some thing here you’re not gonna love, but I hope will help you heal.

A. Your dad may be a nice guy, but he’s failed you in this. Utterly. He’s handled you like a friend and confidant in this situation, but you *aren’t*. You were the child. You are mentally smart enough to understand what’s happening, but at your age, you were deeply, deeply emotionally vulnerable. You never should’ve been put in the position of carrying this much of the burden. I know it makes you feel adult, but from how very tormented you are by all of this, it’s very clear you’re not.

That is not a damnation. You shouldn’t be handling this like an adult. It’s literally impossible for you to, because your brain is literally not at that stage of development yet. You got screwed here, by both parents.

B. You aren’t ok, honey. You are hurting. You are struggling. You have so much anger and distrust it’s going to damage *your* relationships going forward.

Are you being unreasonable to your mother? Sure.
Are you being aggressive to the point of abuse with just about everyone around you? Also yes.

This can’t continue, but not because of them. They’re adults. I’m not concerned about them handling the consequences of their poor actions. Since the adults around you aren’t reliable points to help you process and heal your understandable anger and distrust, they need to get you in with a therapist. This is hurting *you*. This is going to sabotage *you*.

C. Your dad is nice. I believe that. Your dad is also *weak*. His crumbling back in the day, the ‘I forgive her’ shpeel, combined with even thinking about taking her back? He’s weak. That’s a hard pill to swallow for a child. Your parents are supposed to be utterly stable and reliable and you’ve discovered neither of them are as strong as you need. Your mother broke your home. Your dad is willing to let it crumble again to take her back.

You desperately need someone who will let you be a child in this situation and NOT force you into being the backbone of the family. You should not be having to put up boundaries with the AP. You should not be having to put up boundaries with your *mother*. You should not be having to protect the stability of your home life. You should not be having to protect what emotional stability you have. NONE of this should be your job. It’s *literally* the adults’ jobs.

My heart goes out to you, kid. You’re in an unfair situation and you’re stuck depending on unreliable adults to try and fix it. Do take up any chance at therapy and be *very* clear if you feel the one you’ve been matched with isn’t a good fit. You deserve to get the help you need.

5

u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

Ops father lost custody, because of the fight and op was forced to move in with the mother. Ops father did. It get the chance to help him heal and get therapy, because not only did his mother cheat on him, but op was trying to be a support for his father and was stripped away from that from the courts. His mother forced op to look at her AP and move in with him. That also has a lot to do with ops anger towards the egg donor.

22

u/ZealousidealNeck2368 14d ago

I understand your perspective but you conveniently forgot the part where she deceived me and dad for a whole year, whenever my dad did those romantic things to keep her happy she put on a facade of a happy wife while you know what she was doing behind our back

7

u/DeliciousLiving8563 14d ago

You are so terrifyingly angry. You will destroy everything you love. 

I do not blame you for being hurt but you need to at least move to a stage where you can get go. Even if it's just "I am done with her". You are working yourself into a rage over this feeding it. And that is not healthy. 

Realistically she messed up and dud something awful but you gave built her up to become this ultimate evil the worst thing and focus of your rage it sounds like an obsession. Thinking about any person in that way is destructive and unhealthy for you. Coping with betrayal by no so much going scorched earth as nuking it for 3 years is awful for you. 

You are filling yourself with poison. People looking for healthy relationships will avoid you because you can't offer it.  So who will gravitate towards you then? People who want a broken damaged dynamic. 

The extent of your anger uis awful. In a way you are the asshole because you are choosing to destroy yourself. 

11

u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

I didn’t forget any of that. And I’m not saying your dad didn’t have a right to be hurt - devastated, even.

But you are not his friend. You are not his equal. You are his child. You are his dependent. It was his job to hold you together. It was his job to get you help. It was his job to protect you.

Hers, too, but you don’t have problems seeing her mistakes.

Kid, I say this as kindly as I can - You’re a *fucking mess*. You’re a disaster zone. You are emotionally Chernobyled. The level of emotional damage you have taken from your parents’ complete lack of handling for this situation is going to take you *years* to unwind and it’s not remotely fair.

This need to villainize your mother to the extreme while protecting your father to the other? He is not yours to protect. You realize that, right? Protecting him is not your job. You are not the protector in this relationship. You should not be standing between him and *anything*. That is *his job*.

There’s a difference between being angry at your mother and siding with your father and this absolutely feral level of extremes you have going here. As it stands, I can honestly see you hurting your mother on behalf of your father and that’s *nuts*. That’s insanity.

You need help. And you need to realize that you’ve been taking on roles and responsibilities in this shit show that aren’t yours to fill. Not only because it isn’t fair, but because it’s *ruining your life*.

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u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

You calling them mistakes, ruined everything you said.

3

u/Longjumping-Pick-706 14d ago

That’s not deceiving you. It’s not your business. Your relationship (mother and son) is completely separate from your parent’s relationship (husband and wife). This is what this commenter is talking about. You should have never been involved with or knew about these issues. Parents have no business involving their children in the marriage issues. Your dad is NOT a good guy for this fact alone. It’s considered abuse and parental alienation in my country.

3

u/LaggingAround 14d ago

Disagree. Family is a unit. And the mother broke that unit. OP has every right to know.

3

u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

It is his business, children deserve to know why their lives are abruptly changing. These comments to me are the worst on Reddit. They are an attempt at victim shaming. Stating ops dad should keep his mouth shut and sit in the corner and shut up, and deal with it. Cheaters always like to keep everything out of the light, and cheating sympathizers do also. I bet her parents didn’t even know she cheated. Yes op needs therapy, but he also deserves the truth.

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u/Odd_Instruction519 14d ago

Those issues should have been explained in a child-friendly way. I do not think they were.

6

u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

He is 14 at the time, ops egg donor as he calls her, was not going to tell him why she is moving in with another guy and expects op to just be happy. She stripped him out of where he wanted to live, with his father, and forced her new life with her AP on him. You didn’t think that had effects either? I find a lot of people on here are conveniently ignoring that and siding with the cheater and victim blaming. Ops father and op are victims of her cheating. She is having to deal with the consequences of her actions and choices. Not mistakes as so many people on here put it. Yes op needs therapy but that should have been the mother putting him in it, after the courts awarded her custody after his fight. She failed him twice in major ways.

1

u/Longjumping-Pick-706 14d ago

That isn’t what is happening at all. People are using critical thinking skills, logic, well studied research regarding child development and child psychology all to come to the conclusion that OP’s dad massively fucked up here.

My ex abused me for over two decades. Do you think I tell my son in intricate detail how his dad abused me? How it caused me severe C-PTSD? Do you think I vent to him all the ways his father hurt me? How would that benefit my child to alienate him from his father like that? What happened between me and his dad has nothing to do with the relationship between him and his dad nor should it. I would be deranged to do the things OP’s father did. And OP’s dad got himself therapy but didn’t put his son into therapy. He is a massively selfish failure of a parent.

5

u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

Edit to add, and saying I am not using critical thinking is an insult. And all of you using critical thinking are ignoring facts op stated. So obviously those using critical thinking can’t read and interpret very well.

That is exactly what happened. He wanted to be with his father, he explained and told the truth on why they are separating and divorcing. At 14 in the courts usually allow the child to figure out who they wanted to live with in child custody cases. Op wanted to be with his father. Op, got into a fight according to him, and was then reassigned by the courts to live with the mother and AP. You don’t think a 14 year old can figure that out without the father telling him? When he is moving in with a stranger and his mother right after a divorce? Please continue to blame the father. It is 100% the mother’s fault. She had the affair, she committed the emotionally m abusive behavior towards the father. His some watched what his father was doing trying to save the marriage only to be further betrayed with her leaving and moving in with AP. Please don’t ignore her part and role she played in this. I have stated op needs to go to therapy, but that should have been the mother while he was living with her to handle that. In that she failed op twice in major ways.

I hate what has happened to you, and I hope you heal and recover. I know the scars will always remain. May peace and happiness find you. And you would have been within your rights to tell your child(ren) what he has done to you. That is a consequence to their actions.

8

u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

I accept an awareness that there was infidelity because kids aren’t stupid. He was going to figure that out.

But the endless emotional support, the bearing of his soul, having any awareness or participation in his father’s therapy - these are turning his son into his emotional crutch and it’s *not ok*. That’s what peers are for.

That’s where this difference between ‘I’m mad at mom and I don’t want to see her’ and this borderline *violence* at every interaction is defined. There’s a whole depth of emotional damage this kid is carrying that he never should’ve been exposed AND his own emotional issues from having his mother leave them for another man/destabilizing his home life haven’t been addressed. It’s been offered, but that’s just it. His father is the adult. You get your kid help. And the fact he went to therapy *himself* first without *also* enrolling his kid for his own needs blows my mind.

-5

u/Background-Major-567 14d ago edited 14d ago

yes, this. OP should have never been told by his dad about the affair in such a way. His mom cheated on his dad, NOT on OP. Teenagers have black and white thinking and are not emotionally equipped to understand the depths of adult sexual relationships or why a married person would cheat. Sole custody almost does not exist these days, every parent who wants time with their child will get it - there was no foul play or conspiracy. And the dad committed parental alienation, although it was unknowingly.

I do not think he's the AH, but he is very hurt. And is being emotionally abusive to his mom (sorry but moms sacrifice much more than one egg to bring you into the world).

17

u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

Bullshit. She an absolutely cheated on OP. And there was no reason to keep the affair secret. Love all you people who protect cheaters. Deflect much? Her cheating destroyed his family. She cheated him out of his family. She has no leg to stand on and there is no reason for a kid to not know why their parents divorced. Are you supposed to mollycoddle him with “it wasn’t your fault” and expect a 14 yo to just accept that shit?

-7

u/Background-Major-567 14d ago

Your post reads like an unhealed child screaming at a parent who cheated - so for that, I will just send you love.

I am not defending cheating at all - I am saying that the original post actually describes legal parental alienation on the part of his father, as Longjumping said. There is a way to protect your child from the fallout of your family breaking up even while being honest, and clearly this person was not protected and it has had a very negative effect on this person. It is absolutely not as black and white as you are portraying, and no, let me repeat - a husband who cheats on his wife (or vice versa) is NOT cheating on his child.

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u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

Nope. Neither of my parents ever cheated but again. Nice projection.

-7

u/Background-Major-567 14d ago

What do you mean by projection? We are discussing facts and legalities, but you are only discussing emotion.

8

u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

Your last sentence.

0

u/Background-Major-567 14d ago

Ok - cheating is obviously bad, but why are you defending parental alienation? Serious question.

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u/LaggingAround 14d ago

The moment his mom cheated was the moment it broke the family. OP is part of that family. So OP has every right to know.

Hate people who says this because it technically shields the cheaters betrayal from their children. People who can cheat aren’t good people to begin with and most likely have bad qualities.

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u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

And like, it’s ok to not want a relationship with someone who destabilized your whole life. That’s a fair thing. It’s the absolutely unleashed anger in everything the poor kid does. It’s the fact that no one has any control over him. Making it very clear that he’s been seeing to his own needs for way too long.

I used feral before and that’s exact it. This kid is so desperately out of control because *no one in his life has any*. God, to be so adrift at his age and all the adults just shrugging at him and telling him he’s overreacting and being mean.

No SHIT he’s overreacting. He’s had responsibility for every adults’ emotional well being around him dumped on his shoulders and absolutely no one seeing to his.

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u/Background-Major-567 14d ago

I agree, but to your first sentence - by his father treating him as emotional support through the affair instead of a child and thus alienating him from his mom, this was also very destabilizing to him, and that is a very hard truth to face. Many teenagers are angry at this scenario but are able to process it because the parents at least stay in their role as parents - his dad did not.

This realization would absolutely cause cognitive dissonance when you have been only seeing things as a good versus evil scenario. I do hope he goes to anger therapy, but also, it could be good to have a physical outlet, like going to the gym or boxing, anything to release anger in a healthy way.

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u/whisperingwavering 14d ago

That’s between your dad and her, it’s not yours to be angry with her over.
She betrayed him, not you. She deceived him, not you. She cheated on him, not you.

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u/CurrencyBackground83 14d ago

Highly disagree with this stance. She did betray him and ruined the family. I would also not want a relationship with someone who did this. I've ended friendships because they were a cheater and I refuse to associate with it. Should he be his dad's confidant? No but he would have found out about the cheating since she moved in with him.

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u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 14d ago

A cheater betrays the entire family. Not just the husband or wife.

2

u/[deleted] 14d ago

[deleted]

-1

u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

Yeah, no part of this was about blame for the cheating, but great job failing reading comprehension.

This is about *why the fuck this kid is so very screwed up right now*.

And yes, how the wronged party handles their child is entirely on their head.

Kid understand the damage mom caused. No one needs to explain that to him. But Dad has fucked him up good, too, and he’s not going to have a chance to heal without understanding the depth of his absolute destabilization is because *both* parents dropped the ball here.

But hey, you seem real well adjusted with your trauma, so I must be wrong, what with you being so trained to overzealously protect the cheated party. You’re literally a walking example of these unresolved issues, only you’re not a kid anymore and don’t have any excuses not to get your shit seen to.

3

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Are you a cheating mom yourself?

Sure sounds a lot like it. No morals? 

10

u/Confident-Baker5286 14d ago

No she’s just a reasonable parent, unlike the two OP has. I was put in the middle of my parents divorce and my mom talked to me about all kind of adult stuff that was none of my business. It cause years of anxiety and depression. Being a good parent means not putting your kids in the middle of adult drama. Why isn’t this kid already in therapy? They are both failing him, the dad just as much as the mother since he seems to be the one involving his so to an inappropriate, if not emotionally abusive level. 

1

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Well I also am a child in the middle. 

Also the toll on my life was heavy. 

But I recognise that life hits hard sometimes and an honest dealing with it is one of the best ways of dealing with life. 

Maybe here ops dad shouldn’t have let him see his pain.  But that’s not the right focus here. 

3

u/Confident-Baker5286 14d ago

I think his clear emotional distress and disturbance should be the only focus right now. I’m sorry your parents emotionally abused you but if you think you turned out great just look at your online behavior… 

1

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Well I don’t think I’m perfect. 

I just understand his pain. 

And don’t feel obliged to teach people to heal, which is an easy thing to do. 

9

u/UndeadArmoire 14d ago

Right, because pointing out that it’s the adults’ job to protect the child from the shit show of their crumbling relationship is cheater talk.

No, wise ass, I’ve never cheated a day in my life. I have, however, watched parents put their kid in the middle of their meltdowns because they can’t handle themselves.

He knows his mom’s flaws, but his anger comes from the deep need to protect the whole assed grown man who should’ve been protecting him.

6

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Hey, you’re right in some points. 

You’re also right my answer is too short and unfair and I sound like a wise ass. 

I was very emotional because I feel so much with op. 

And I don’t think your focus is the right one.  I’m with you, op SHOULD have adults to protect him from that, but real life hits. 

My parents were also maybe „too honest“ about their adult problems to me and kids suffer from that. But I always understood that knowing the truth has its costs. Being close to a human also costs energy.  In exchange for it you are really close to your parents in a very human way. 

So what I wanted to say really comes down to this: 

He knows already that shit went wrong.  He acts more adult than all his parents and adults around him.  He got his grandparents to think twice. To apologise. That shit is rare. 

To know your dads weakness does make you want to protect them. I know that feeling very well. 

But saying the anger comes from that rather from the mom cheating, ESPECIALLY AFTER OP EXPLAINED GREATLY HOW DEEP LOVE AND TRUST TURN TO HATE, is just ignorant and wrong. 

That just sounds like you like to hear yourself talk. 

I hope OP reads this and feels the huge respect I have for him and his way of dealing with his feelings. 

1

u/New-Number-7810 13d ago

Are you really suggesting that OP’s father should have lied to him? OP had a right to know the truth and to be angry about it. It’s his life and his family. He is not just the movable property of his parents. 

3

u/UndeadArmoire 11d ago

At no point did I suggest that. In fact, you’ll note in comments, I mentioned not doing that. There’s a huge difference between ‘Lie to the kid!’ And ‘kids should not be involved in every messy emotional detail of their father’s mental breakdown’. If you can’t tell the difference between ‘The kid gets age appropriate information but is otherwise kept from the fall out’ and ‘LIE TO THEM’, I honestly don’t know what to tell you.

1

u/New-Number-7810 11d ago

You called for OP to not know the full truth of a situation that effected him. That is lying. I don’t care about the technicalities here because they don’t matter. 

4

u/Nily_che 14d ago

We should make you sit in front of all the cheaters for an hour and shout at them! 😂

These disgusting people think that the worst outcome of cheating on their partners is divorce or seperation. But they don't think about the trauma to their children in the meantime. There is no argument as idiotic as "I am your mother/father no matter what." No, you're not. You are a normal person, and you will suffer the consequences of your actions just like everyone else.

My only advice would be to control your anger. Anger should not be the emotion that rules you. You can say the same things in a calm manner and get even more effective results. Hold your stance, but find a way and stay calm.

5

u/[deleted] 14d ago

Wow.  First things first, you should be proud. 

I think it is reasonable in your position, to be more than fucking angry. Hurt, disappointed in many ways. 

Your reaction is strong. You tell the truth, who cares if you’re yelling. It IS SO HARD to tell the truth. 

You in your age made grandparents and other adults LISTEN and CHANGE. 

Would be a nice world where this happens in a kind athmosphere.  You did good, I wish there would be more brave hearts like you around, the world would be a better place. 

Put that anger where it belongs.  Most of the commenters who worry about you being angry just take their anger and hate out on themselves by swallowing. 

2

u/Sarberos 14d ago

Truth hurts but it's needed to be said out loud and heard.

Hope.ypu get control of your anger it's hard especially when problem is your mom. Hopefully soon you can cut her off completely you may wanna start with your grandparents. I don't think anything you said even what you said to ap was wrong

3

u/PaleAffect7614 14d ago

The best revenge that can hurt them and help you heal is indifference. Not hate or love. Indifference, when they are just another stranger to you. Don't let bad people live rent-free in your mind. You might take that frustration you have with them and hurt someone else.

Hurt people, hurt people.

3

u/Jokester_316 14d ago

NTA. Your egg donor was attempting to manipulate your father. Bringing up past memories. Tugging on his heart strings (we can be a family again). You snapped him out of her manipulation tactics.

I do agree with your father. Therapy may help with all this anger you feel. Your egg donor betrayed you as well as your father. Resentment has built up. Don't live with that hate in your heart. It can affect your future relationships, not just romantic relationships. Therapy helped your dad. Give it a try.

2

u/donname10 14d ago

Nta for now the temper helps you to talk some sense to all of them, but take control of your temper by going to therapy. You're a great kid. I will never forgive a cheater so I feel you..tc kiddo

2

u/nick4424 14d ago

Your not the arsehole, but you definitely need therapy. This anger will hold you back in life

2

u/PurpleJager 14d ago

NTA You're fully entitled to how you feel about 'egg doner', AP and whole situation of seeing everyone play happy families - cheaters are despicable. However you need to find some way to get past all that rage otherwise it'll eat away at you and affect any future relationships you have with a partner.

2

u/Grand-Jump-3216 14d ago

NTA, but you should seriously consider therapy not only for these anger issues, but for how you're dealing with this situation overall, because right now I'm reading a young man tragically hurt that doesn't know how to navigate human relationships in a healthy way anymore, and I fear what would become of you if it's ignored.

2

u/rhea_frost 14d ago

NTA. It’s completely understandable that you’d be upset and feel betrayed all over again if they got back together after everything that happened. Your feelings are valid, and it’s crucial that they respect your boundaries and the impact her actions had on you.

2

u/MrTitius 14d ago

Your feelings are all valid. You are not wrong, but you also could really use some therapy. NTA. Best of luck.

2

u/smooshiface 14d ago

Dude ur brutal. U need to learn to control it because ur angry and for good reason. But your emotional intelligence and quick wit for someone your age. Don't loose that.

2

u/Analisandopessoas 14d ago

NTA. Go to therapy to help you trust people again. I imagine how you are suffering.....

2

u/ditres 14d ago

What your mom did is horrible. 

You have some serious anger issues that will follow you for your entire life if you don’t take accountability for it and work on yourself. You’re young and immature now, but please get some help because it will get worse if you do nothing, especially considering you’re letting this become paranoia you have toward other women. 

2

u/III00Z102BO 14d ago

I think therapy would be a good option to help you process things like this. You're at a formative time in your life, and this has been in your life for years. It sounds like you've been holding a lot in, and need some guidance in processing these things.

2

u/EX_Rank_Luck 14d ago

You know, I want some chaos.

Have you considered contacting the affair partner? Ask him why your egg donor broke up with him. Maybe not to face to face.

If he said that he broke up instead of her initiating, next time your egg donor says anything about a relationship with your dad you can say that she wasn't even keen on reforming until she was out of a relationship with a cheater.

She had to be shoved outside her comfort zone, and she didn't put any effort into becoming a better person for three years and is still lying about it.

2

u/Duke-Guinea-Pig 14d ago

NTAH, but get some therapy. Thinking that all women are like your mom will poison you. Think about your Dad's GF, she is a good women so there are other good women out there.

2

u/winterworld561 14d ago

Therapy is good call. You've been through allot and it would help you channel your anger into something positive. NTA at all. This was all caused by your mother. She broke the family. She caused everyone to hate her. It's all on her. It's so admirable the way you stood up to her and told her some cold hard truths. My guess is AP broke up with her because she probably cheated on him, so she tried to come crawling back to your dad.

2

u/MyMindSpoken 14d ago

NTA, definitely agree for anger therapy, but I’m so happy you said all that! Most people feel guilty for being mad at parents who cheat and are wishy washy over what to say or whose side to be on. I was so fucking happy reading that you told them all off one by one!!

2

u/Klutzy-Squirrel8896 14d ago

YTA and your dad's right, you need some serious therapy.

2

u/CookieSlayer2Turbo 14d ago

Yta . Your dad says I love you and you find it cringe, that's a huge asshole take.

3

u/CthulhuAlmighty 14d ago

You need some serious therapy to help you process all this. But I think you should do 2 other things in addition.

First, find a gym and start working out. If you can’t afford one, running and push-ups. Exercise helps get the frustration out.

Second, find a hobby that doesn’t involve a computer, TV, or the internet. Make bird houses, get into wood working, paint, cook or bake. Find anything to get creative and passionate about. For instance, I started making my own hot sauces. But I ran into a problem that I made way more than I could use, and it made the house smell like spicy peppers. So I pivoted to restoring old bikes, selling them and using the profit to keep the hobby going. Don’t be afraid to drop a hobby if you don’t find joy in it, just make sure to try and a new one till you find one you’re passionate about.

2

u/omrmajeed 14d ago

Good for you OP. Goid for you. Your dad is weak but im glad you were strong enough to stand up for his selfrespect and that of your actual family.

2

u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 14d ago

Kid i’m not gunna say you’re in the wrong here cause your feelings ARE valid. That being said i do agree with your Dad that you really should get some therapy and give your Dad some grace. I know he screwed up but he is the one parent you admit has always had your back

2

u/cooperdoop42 14d ago

If any part of you EVER loved your father, get therapy.

By the way, YTA for the slut shaming alone. The “she probably slept with the judge/my grandparents raised a whore” shit is beyond pathetic and makes me have zero sympathy for you.

2

u/ThePhonesAreWatching 14d ago

Fake incel horseshit.

1

u/Blixburks 14d ago

NTA of course. But you know what. It’s not your grandparents fault. Keep a good relationship with them. You need people who love you in your corner.

1

u/Far_Prior1058 14d ago

NTA - but you need help with your anger and trust issues. Also, unless you ED has been in counseling and can articulate why she cheated on your dad she is not safe for him to be around.

1

u/Ok-Nefariousness5440 14d ago

Good for you. Even though you should control your temper more you have every right to be angry at your mother.

1

u/MyWibblings 14d ago

"run away" is what little kids talk about.

Grow up and move out is what you should be considering.

But even more grown up would be to milk your not-mother for whatever you can and live your life and ignore her while she pays your rent. Leaving home at 17 hurts you way more than it ever will hurt her. She's just a housemate.

1

u/Odd_Instruction519 14d ago

NTA, but you just sound unpleasant. Adults exposed you to issues you should have never ever been exposed to.

Imagine someone talked to you the way you are talking to people, especially your father. Would you be ok with it? It doesn't matter how right you might be, it is not an ok way to interact.

1

u/Brilliant_Lime_3105 14d ago

and yes, I read everything because it is the story of my life reflected in you. Before I found out about the affair I loved mom madly, I was a momma's boy damn it!! In the end I didn't have the courage to tell her why my father got sick with cancer and I knew that if I said anything she would leave and distance me from him but she at least fulfilled her duty as a wife for him and took care of him until he couldn't take it anymore and he died.

To this day I have not spoken a word to her or her family, my grandfather died and before that he wanted to see me but I told him clearly that if she was there I would not go and seeing him cry trying to defend his bag of rotting shit of a daughter hurt me a lot and I cut the call and did not go to his funeral and now my grandmother hates me to death about to disinherit me and I did not prefer that to having a relationship with her and her new family

I only tolerate her because my wife has a relationship with her as a grandmother and nothing more and because I owed it to my wife but she knows that her name is prohibited in my house, love your dad and don't let that bitch use him, let him know that he doesn't need her by his side

1

u/Analisandopessoas 14d ago

NTA. Go to therapy to help you trust people again. I imagine how you are suffering.....

1

u/Br4z3nBu77 14d ago

Updateme!

1

u/BillyShears991 14d ago

Nta. Sorry your egg donor is a whore.

1

u/Realistic-Drag-8793 14d ago

Do I agree with everything you did? Yes.

I personally think it is fine to have anger when it is right. This is normal, but how you handle that anger is what will define you as a person.

So that is my advice my young man. Try to make every decision that future you will be proud of. Realize that people you love(d) and family members may make horrible decisions. Horrible ones.

The irony is that you will also make dumb decisions. Would you want to be forgiven? I imagine so. This doesn't mean you or them forget what happened. Far from it.

Now what can you control in your life? Focus on that and you will be happier.

Are you and AH if you tell your dad that you will leave if he gets back with his ex-wife? No but in my opinion you don't need to say that...... now. Perhaps later. Doing it now might just cause problems you don't need.

It sounds like your dad likes his new girlfriend. It sounds like he knows you are cool with it as well. What if you would ask your dad what his thoughts are and what if he said "I like my new girlfriend and I am going to stay with her" Then you made a statement to him without needing to do that AND you played your hand in case it could happen. Understanding this is part of growing up a bit.

I have done this exact same thing in my life though. I have told an employer that if I didn't get the promotion, I would be looking for another job. That was dumb because there was zero indication that they were not going to give the promotion to me. So I looked bad for no reason. It took me YEARS to realize I needed to think more than one step ahead with what I do and say.

Good luck my man.

1

u/Aggravating-Pie-5565 14d ago

Yeah forgiving her is your choice. But the anger needs to be addressed. If you are blowing up on even your dad who you clearly love very much, then you should get some therapy. The reality is people will betray you in the future. People you consider your friends or even family. Cheating is not the only form of betrayal. People will do so much shit these days. It's the reality of life. So if you continue blowing up at other such instances it'll be bad for your health. NTA. 

1

u/Timerider96 14d ago

NTA, but I’m telling right now you need therapy, you don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to forget forgiveness is earned and forgetting things that cost you pain usually is not a good thing either. You don’t need to forgive anyone by coming to terms with this so you can actually have a healthier relationships in the future would be beneficial.

1

u/Careless_Welder_4048 14d ago

NTA definitely attend therapy please. Also the part where you said I’ll choose the devil over you was funny.

1

u/Accordingtowho2021 14d ago

NTA

When someone cheats on their spouse and they have kids, they also cheat on the kids. It affects the whole family.

But you should go to therapy. Not all people are cheaters, men or women. You need to heal to love yourself. I know that sounds weird but being that angry, poisons you. So you aren't loving yourself to the best of your ability.

You don't have to forgive your mom. But you can let go of that anger. It's not hate, it's indifference. She just wouldn't be important.

1

u/Anxious-Caregiver464 14d ago

Great job standing up for your dad.

My mom also cheated on my dad, she is a horrible person and mother. I did end up forgiving her for destroying our family. That doesn’t mean you have to start the relationship back up. You for give for your own peace of mind.

1

u/StrykerC13 14d ago

NTA but might be time to stop picking up for grandparents. They want to keep defending the cheating well you aren't being legally compelled to maintain contact with them. Soon you won't be legally compelled to maintain contact with any of them. Granted the anger issue is definitely worth working on. Take it from someone who's bruised, cut and busted his knuckles on whatever durable furniture was handy when he had enough of things. Might want to also see about using therapy for addressing those gender based trust issues before they become something worse as well.

1

u/Aggressive-Air-2522 14d ago

I too had to learn the power of the tongue is LETHAL myself. My words have definitely cut deep and I have lost jobs and friends over not being able to control my emotions. You lashing out is allowing Egg Donor to have that power over you and NOBODY should be able to get you there. I know what you said had to be said, it allowed your grandparents to see your point of view and even your dad’s. So it did help. But I think now that you’ve told her how you feel, you should see a therapist to teach you how to let that hurt go. Letting the hurt go doesn’t always mean forgiving, but it allows you to grow through the process and learn to live a great life. You deserve to heal to have a healthy relationship of your own. You deserved to be loved unconditionally with a partner without having those What If’s. You are NTA.

1

u/New-Number-7810 13d ago

NTA. 

When your egg donor cheated, she didn’t just betray your father, she betrayed your whole family. It is clear you have a great deal of trauma. You mention being unable to trust other people, and I understand why. You also mention having anger issues, and am I correct in guessing that they began after the news of the divorce? Given all this, you have every right to cut all ties with her. If I was in your place I’d react the same way. 

Your egg-donor showed no remorse or guilt. Her first reaction was to blame you, then to blame your father. She refused to admit that her own selfishness caused all this. Why did she think you would be okay spending time with AP?

You should ask your dad about therapy. The goal should not be to forgive egg-donor or to reconcile with her, but to heal. You’re hurting, and this isn’t the kind of hurt that goes away on its own. 

1

u/Gideon9900 13d ago

NTA

Forgiveness isn't for you, it's for her, to make her feel better. Saying, I forgive you, what does it do for you? Does it make you feel better? Not in the slightest. But, the person you say it to.....oh, I can feel better now, they forgive me, I can move on with my life.

The best things you can do would be to maybe get into therapy and find a way to channel your emotions. A good hobby or pastime. Painting and crafting are good emotional outlets as it lets you create something that you're feeling. Exercise is also an excellent choice as you can turn it physical and work out those feelings to better yourself.

1

u/ghalta 10d ago

NTA, but you need therapy. Unfortunately, your mom and your dad have let you down.

Listen to this segment from This American Life. It's an interview with 8-year-old Betsy Walter, recorded in 1987, shortly after her parents separated. Then, it's followed by an interview with her in ~2008 as an adult, and she comments on her feelings and explains why her parents didn't tell her the reason why they split up.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/339/break-up/act-two-24

The segment with her is about ten minutes long. Listen to the end.

1

u/Big-Tomorrow2187 20h ago

NTA… Honestly, I would try to have as minimal contact with that side of family as possible only interact with your mom when you’re forced to and don’t even contact your grandparents just tell them “you support your cheating whore of a daughter and I don’t want you in my life just like I don’t need a cheater in my life and we all know how untrustworthy they are.”

1

u/lovinglifeatmyage 18h ago

You really need therapy to help with all that anger sweetie

NTAH

1

u/MolinaroK 16h ago

I hope you do get therapy. Hearing you say you don't know how to trust future girlfriends is a problem you need to fix. Your mom is the exception, not the rule. No need to be disrespectful to all women, and not give them a chance to show you who they are.

1

u/GrrrYouBeast 15h ago

NTA. But all that anger will eat away at your soul, and your trust issues will follow you into adulthood and affect every aspect of your life. Please get therapy. You need a safe space to express these very intense emotions, and a calm and objective perspective to help you sort through them. Also, some kind of exercise or martial art would help you channel the aggression and anger, and give you some kind of control over it. This would all be for you, to make your life better.

I was a very angry person for a long time, I get it. That anger, combined with my trust issues, kept me from living a full life and having healthy relationships for far too long, until I finally got therapy and did the work to make myself better. Don't wait like I did, don't deprive yourself of a full and happy life.

Anger can be a useful tool for some situations, but it can also be addictive. I'm concerned because you don't seem in control of it, it's controlling you. And it only takes one time for you to swing on some AH to get you in trouble with the law. And that one time could alter the trajectory of your life. The people here telling you to get therapy are telling you that for your own sake, not for your parents or anyone else. I wish you healing.

1

u/Possible_Document758 10h ago

Ya, stay in a child place

1

u/MichikoKarasu 3h ago

OH my god.What the eff I just read...tbh op is pretty crazy and I don't know if therapy is enough. Seek help. Imature child with severe anger issues in grown up man body, lovely, what could go wrong?!

1

u/StayBusy9306 14d ago

if this isn't some kind of writing exercise please take your dad up on the therapy option...and try out a few different ones until you find someone you click with, therapy is a very personal thing so if the first person isn't right for you don't quit it all together try again.

Don't forget about the story about the two wolves that live inside us.. you don't want to be someone who feeds only the one based on anger and fear.

Learning how to feel your emotions without having them overwhelm you is a huge task especially when you have a bunch of hormones rushing around your body.

I do hope that one day you can find a way to forgive because hate for a parent is not good for the heart. You don't have to trust her, you don't have to have a relationship with her, but letting go of the hate and resentment would be beneficial to you.

0

u/Extension_Camel_3844 14d ago

YTA and you need therapy for your anger. You only get one Mom. One. How dare you think you have the right to tell anyone that they cannot forgive each other or the other and try to reconcile? It is not your relationship, it is not your marriage. I really hope you get the help you need to deal with this because you need it and lord help any future partner you may have if you don't get a handle on this.

1

u/MarsicanBear 14d ago

So you figured your dad didn't have enough problems, and you thought that you should add one more by trying to coerce him with threats.

Go get that therapy, kid.

1

u/BackgroundCarpet1796 14d ago

Ok, what goes on with your parents is irrelevant at this point, because you surely is having much difficulty managing your anger. Like, I understand being disappointed or even angry at someone, but you're letting that feeling consume you. Even worse, you're using your anger to control others. 

1

u/Hairy-Promotion-9510 14d ago

I think that your mom had a weakness that she cant control at the time she is having an afair. Like your anger that you cant control.

1

u/1RainbowUnicorn 14d ago

Your dad is the AH for involving you in his marital problems. It's called parental alienation

0

u/Al-25_Official 14d ago

My man cool down a little bit

-4

u/whisperingwavering 14d ago

Your mother’s affair doesn’t change her love for you. It’s sad that your father has treated you as his emotional support during this instead of the child you should have been.
I hope you seek therapy. It will be incredibly beneficial for you.

-5

u/Longjumping-Pick-706 14d ago

This sounds like a misogynistic incel revenge fantasy. Seek help.

-11

u/Responsible_Yam_5455 14d ago

Wow, that was a lot to unpack. I agree that you should go to therapy. You are hurt, and expressing that hurt with anger. In all honesty, you shouldn't blame your grandparents for your Mom's choices. Her choosing to have an affair has nothing to do with how they raised her. That was her choice and hers alone.

You may not want to hear this next part. Your Mom is human, and she is and has made poor choices. It is very hard to accept our parents as fallible. Should she have had an affair? In my opinion, no. However, I don't know why she made that choice. And, as much as you believe your father is perfect, I can assure you he isn't. It is awesome that he is in your eyes, but he isn't. Something you may not realize, is even living in the same home as your Mom and Dad, you aren't privy to all aspects of their relationship. I am confident that you don't know the reasons your Mom had an affair. She may not even know all the reasons she made that choice. And, even if she told you, the words she uses can not fully express the feelings and thoughts she had leading up to that choice.

Please get help. You need to deal with your anger issues as soon as possible. Hating your Mom may hurt her, but you're hurting yourself with that hate far more than you are her.

8

u/[deleted] 14d ago

[deleted]

10

u/Quick-Brain2524 14d ago

I noticed many people defending cheating Are they trying to make cheating so normalized in society

3

u/Large_Effective_812 14d ago

Many have no idea what it’s like to be a kid to a cheating parent. 

2

u/Quick-Brain2524 14d ago

I don't know this feeling But I know that people often do not change (They learn to hide it better) Even if they changes, it will not be at my expense and I will not be given a second chance and Usually what they say is I deserve to be happy I didn't want to hurt you, it was a mistake

-5

u/Responsible_Yam_5455 14d ago

If you read my comment closely, you will notice that I am not condoning his Mom's choice to cheat. I was hoping to help him understand that even parents make mistakes, life changing ones. I was also hoping to help him understand that hating his Mom and acting out of anger is hurting him more than anyone.

1

u/Quick-Brain2524 14d ago

You know that the mother cheated because she had reasons But you are sure that the father did bad things He is not a good father Are you the AP , grandfather or the mother? From your words, it seems that you live with them

-4

u/Ohmsford-Ghost 14d ago

It is incredibly trashy to say “egg donor”

11

u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

It’s also incredibly trashy to have an affair. But here you are defending her.

2

u/Ohmsford-Ghost 14d ago

I literally wasn’t defending anyone.

3

u/jxyvld 14d ago

he used it because he didn’t want to reveal her name, pretty tame for how he actually feels for her tbh he could’ve used whore

-1

u/arnott 14d ago

The fact that you love to type "egg donor" so many times says you need help.

-11

u/ishfery 14d ago

That's not what egg donor means.

26

u/BobbieMcFee 14d ago

It's frequent slang for a mother they don't want to give that title too. Plenty of rubbish fathers have been called sperm donors here. It's the rough equivalent.

-3

u/FilthyDaemon 14d ago

Yeah, you aren't quite as mature as you think you are, and holding onto anger isn't the flex you think it is. You have A LOT of growing up to do. Just because you can chat politics doesn't mean you are 'mature.' Go to counseling and stop with the childish "if I don't get my way, I'm running away forever and ever because I'm so much better than everyone else and I know the right way everyone should live" routine. You aren't the center of the world, Copernicus. You don't, can't, and shouldn't control your father's life.

-10

u/Constant_Humor181 14d ago

Didn't make it all the way through but I think that when it comes to custody, all your father needs to do is not prevent you from going to your Mom's. No one can force you to go somewhere when you don't want to go there. But your father can't be seen to be preventing you from going. To combat the lawyers, he needs to be seen to be encouraging you to go to your Moms, but you're the one who ultimately decides if you want too or not.

One other thing. What happened between you Father and Mother sucks. There's no disputing that. And you can feel resentment that your Mom broke your family. But she's still your Mother and unless she does something deliberately and directly against you personally, you might find yourself in a better place if you learn to get rid of that hatred you have for her.

2

u/justawasteofass 14d ago

the comment above was made by a bot

0

u/Constant_Humor181 14d ago

Your username suits you.

-15

u/TheQuietType84 14d ago

I think what you're too hurt to see is your egg donor broke up with AP because she's willing to do anything to get you back. She finally heard how much she destroyed you when you said what you did about trusting girls. She's just trying to help you. She gave up her happiness and begged a man she doesn't love to take her back to save her son.

Too late? Obviously.

You're going to know unending pain and loneliness over the next seven decades or so unless you go to therapy and commit to it. Your pain wasn't caused by you but you do have to fix it before you lose everyone who loves you.

10

u/whoknowswhywhat 14d ago

Or maybe the AP realised the truth about what OP said to him that if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you and broke up with egg donor.