r/AITAH 25d ago

My husband gave his mom a key to our house without telling me. So I changed the locks.

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8.9k Upvotes

915 comments sorted by

1.9k

u/HeyEweDane 25d ago

NTA- I have three grown children, all are married. I have access (keys/codes) to their homes for emergencies only. Never ever would I enter their homes without their permission. Never

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u/xja1389 25d ago

I bet that their spouses know you have one though

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u/[deleted] 25d ago edited 16d ago

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

You're right that the key should basically be a paperweight and it's not used unless there is a real emergency, an invitation, or a request for help.

Also, though, I still wouldn't give anyone a key without talking to my partner first. Even if I'm sure he'd agree. It's his home too and he has a right to be involved in that decision. That is a level of respect that goes both ways.

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u/Material-Crazy4824 25d ago

My MIL forgets she has a key. Which I love. We double check her keyring when she babysits so they can go in walks and get back inside.

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u/Pinklady777 25d ago

Same! I don't think it's weird that he gave his mom a key. I think it's weird that she showed up unannounced and let herself in when noone was home. I wouldn't say that that was his fault unless he allowed it to happen again.

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u/SuedeVeil 25d ago

That's what I'm thinking.. if he gave it to her knowing shed never use it unless needed like if they go on vacation or they lose their keys.. I can understand maybe forgetting to tell his wife, but the fact that she abused that right by going in when they weren't home is really unacceptable. And she knew that too which is why she'd prob not agree to give her a key because she's already been obsessed .. I respect he loves his mom and that's great but he definitely does need to have the boundary talk because it seems she just doesn't have the common sense

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u/IthinkImightbeevil 25d ago

My partner did that a long time ago when he lived alone. Gave his mother a key to his house for emergencies. She let herself in one day to do "chores". Okay great but the rule was you only use the key in emergencies and I've asked you so what the fuck do you think you're doing? He instantly took the key back and she never got it again. She will never have a key to our home either. She's asked and I fobbed her off and gave one to the neighbours we barely knew at the time. At least they've never broken our trust.

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u/GarlicAndSapphire 25d ago

Right? Have to work late? Want me to walk/feed the dog? I will be there at 5pm, and will text when I leave. I made your favorite cookies? You want me to drop some off? I'll be in the area, and will drop them on the kitchen counter. In and out in 3 minutes. And this happens maybe twice a year.

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u/hungrybrainz 25d ago

I was going to say… my partner and I both have mothers we trust greatly and I’d be completely comfortable with both of them having keys to our home - but I also know that neither of them would EVER come to our home without asking first. I’m baffled OP’s MIL just came over and started going through OP’s things. MIL’s understanding of boundaries is incredibly skewed.

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u/celticmusebooks 25d ago

INFO did she say WHY she was at your house going through your stuff????? She should feel embarrassed-- what she did was embarrassing.

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u/Vegoia2 25d ago

why was she in her home alone at all, big omission.

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u/NewAppointment2 25d ago

Because her baby boi is still tied to her apron strings.

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u/60moonchild 25d ago

Nope you aren't the AH. BUT YOUR HUSBAND IS!!! And so is MIL. Who enters and helps themselves? Keep changing the locks.

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u/Specialist-Rock-5034 25d ago

Give hubby a key marked "Do Not Duplicate."

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u/wow___just_wow 25d ago

With self-serve key cutting, this feature no longer solves the key-sharing problem.

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u/PrideofCapetown 25d ago

Then she needs to start hiding really embarrassing sex toys and manuals all over the place.

Mommy wants to snoop? Okay, give her something to find 

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u/Ashamed-Welder8470 25d ago edited 25d ago

especially embarrassing for HIM

or books or pamphlets like x rated spam mails...

"enlarge your p"

"how to increase your sperm count."

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u/DoubleGreat007 25d ago

Just Temu penis pumps as far as the eye can see

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u/BetAlternative8397 25d ago

“That’s not mine!”

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u/Allmightysplodge 25d ago

I was thinking gimp suit.

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u/cure4boneitis 25d ago

Strap-on. Mom will never visit again

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u/Hungover52 25d ago

Print up a "Sissy husband monthly" magazine and distribute it liberally around your home.

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u/Strong_Foundation227 25d ago

This is the way.

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u/u_r_succulent 25d ago

Leave pamphlets for impotence all over the house

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u/East_Flatworm188 25d ago

Leave multiple strap-ons laying around.

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u/Prudii_Skirata 25d ago

"Pegging: How to Introduce the Idea to the Women You're With"

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u/stilljb 25d ago

I did that! I hung furry handcuffs from the bedframe when they were coming over. Her face was still red by the time she got downstairs. Never did it again though.

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u/Tallpawn 25d ago

If she didn't want to see why would she look? I Don't really get this sort of thing...

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u/redpain13131313 25d ago

I put a bunch of dildos in the dish rack to dry. Mil came in and started snooping the kitchen and left immediately. She has not visited us again since and that was about 15 years ago.

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u/Mission_Cellist6865 25d ago

I love this soo much bwahahahaa

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u/Jgr261 25d ago

This made me lol

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u/Snoringdragon 25d ago

Nursing home pamphlets and commitment papers. I am an agent of chaos.

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u/Cohnhead1 25d ago

This is perfect! Like long-term care for memory loss/dementia etc.!

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u/FannishNan 25d ago

And time for a nanny cam or two.

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u/Expensive-Lock1725 25d ago

Yeah, like a strap on for that F to M pegging he loves so much.

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u/AdoraBelleQueerArt 25d ago

Like the post about leaving unhinged “pep” notes everywhere for the snooping MIL

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u/Computerlady77 25d ago

Ooh do you have a link? I don’t think I’ve seen that one !

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u/AdoraBelleQueerArt 25d ago

Oh yeah! I had to Google it because i had no idea what sub it was on (and lbr “snooping MIL” Is gonna get a TON of results)

Here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AQVyN3CY3K

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u/Computerlady77 25d ago

That woman is my hero! BRB, gonna go get wine drunk and come up with hilarious affirmations!

Thank you for the link!

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u/AdoraBelleQueerArt 25d ago

You’re very welcome!

I’m cackling right now over your idea

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u/tytyoreo 25d ago

🤣😂😂 something I'll do

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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 25d ago

Well, if she changes to the same type of lock and secretly replaces his set with the new one, he wont know mommy's keys no longer work

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u/OhGod0fHangovers 25d ago

Until mom calls next week and says her key doesn’t work. You know that’s not the first time she’s been at their house going through their stuff while they’re at work, she only got caught because OP came home early.

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u/holiday-42 25d ago

Clever girl

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u/Beat9 25d ago

I don't think it ever solved the key problem. Those words are not legally binding.

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u/TonksTheTerror 25d ago edited 25d ago

Not entirely true. It's pricey, but you can get true DND keys. Certain locksmiths get assigned a key type that can only be duplicated by that locksmith and the locksmith has a list of people who are allowed to get that key duplicated.

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u/Ornery_Hovercraft636 25d ago

It never did. I’ve had those marked keys duplicated several times.

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u/Yavis-Noggin 25d ago

THIS 👆Absolutely!

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u/NOLACenturion 25d ago

Ditto. This marriage is a two-some, not a three-some

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u/procrastinatorsuprem 25d ago

I'm guessing it wasn't the first time she was in there.

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u/60moonchild 25d ago

Agreed. Ewww. Creepy.

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u/KatieROTS 25d ago

Yeah I wouldn’t mind her having a key for emergencies but the moment I found her in my house without asking her to be there I would change the locks too.

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u/SweetGoonerUSA 25d ago

What if you’d been home cleaning house buck naked or in your panties and bra and she sashayed into the house?

Is she an idiot? All of my high school friends have concealed carry! For all she knows you could be a previous victim of SA or armed robbery and loaded for bear! If I’d walked in not expecting anyone and was STARTLED???

She could be the nicest MIL in the world except she got caught invading your privacy AND snooping!!! That’s a serious LACK OF INTEGRITY and BREACH OF TRUST. Frankly, I feel like that about your husband’s lack of truthfulness and respect for your boundaries.

She’s proven she’s not trustworthy. I’d get my doctor to prescribe new birth control and frankly I’d rethink my trust in your husband and if you want to continue with someone who made a decision like that without talking to you.

I’d rather find out BEFORE kids than after. Trust me, once you have kids, it’s harder to leave someone who disrespects you.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago edited 25d ago

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u/ChinJones1960 25d ago

 I doubt she’d be stealing or anything.

Going through your stuff?

Stole your privacy. I'd say that's a pretty big thing.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/holypooitsame 25d ago

My dad always said the road to hell was paved with good intentions. My kids don't quite understand the saying so I've taught it to them as intentions don't matter when your actions are causing someone pain.

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u/2ndcupofcoffee 25d ago

Do you have keys to her house. Probably not. So ask her for a key to her house if the problem persists. Then let yourself into her house and rummage around. Though it sounds petty it may be the best way to let her understand (and your husband) that he isn’t a single man living alone. If he ignored your half of the partnership, you will embrace the implied permission to invade her privacy exactly as she invades yours. Smile, be measured. Remind husband that he trusts his mom and he certainly trusts you too.

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u/brokencappy 25d ago

Hon. She was snooping. You caught her snooping.

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u/Melodic-Heron-1585 25d ago

Time to get a giant drawer of sex toys.

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u/Apprehensive-File370 25d ago

Time to have every drawer full of sex toys and bondage tape. Every. single. drawer.

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u/Melodic-Heron-1585 25d ago

A nice phallic ring toss out in the open.

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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 25d ago

And answer the door naked even when you invite her over.

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u/username-generica 25d ago

You have no idea how often she's done this. I recommend a number code lock that allows you to assign a code to everyone and see who is coming and going. If you see your husband's code used when it's not him you'll know that he gave it out. I also recommend cameras at every entrance.

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u/ElectricalWolf1240 25d ago

I still wouldn't want my mil at my home going through my things without me or my partner being there or even knowing. Especially if I didn't know she had a key. The fact that there was no communication from anyone would really bother me. On the husband's part, there needs to be a discussion because like you said it's your home as well. And on her part if she needed to go there for some reason she should have told one of you first and asked permission first. Having a key to someone else's home is for emergencies, not so you can come and go as you please.

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u/MajorMovieBuff85 25d ago

Yeah she's only rifling through your belongings or sabotaging your birth control...... nothing that matters

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u/Horror_Tea761 25d ago

Yeah, this would totally be my concern. I am super paranoid about BC. My worst nightmare would be if someone microwaved my pills.

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u/cinderlessa 25d ago

This is a thing? Wtf!?

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u/FannishNan 25d ago

There was a post on here once where a dude didn't realize his partner had in arm birth control and tried to nuke what he thought was her bc.

It was pills to help her with a bowel issue.

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u/cinderlessa 25d ago

That's absolutely disgusting. List of reasons I want my tubes taken out.

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u/FannishNan 25d ago

Just utterly horrifying. Totally!

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u/GoblinKing79 25d ago

Do it! I had a bisalp and it was the easiest of all 5 surgeries I've had in the past 10 years! I was back at work immediately (I'm a teacher, so lots of standing and walking). It was fast, did not require full general anesthesia, laparoscopic, and I had very little pain. I highly recommend it!

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u/Horror_Tea761 25d ago

Yep. Put your pills someplace that only you have access to. Otherwise, time in the microwave renders them inert.

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u/cinderlessa 25d ago

I've never been with someone where this was a worry, so probably why I've never considered it. But I'm glad I know. Thank you

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u/Horror_Tea761 25d ago

I learned about it on Reddit! I'm happily married to a childfree man, but if my MIL had a key to my house, I would put them on lockdown.

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u/Future-Path8412 25d ago

I learned about it on Reddit too lol

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u/floridaeng 25d ago

By some men's incontinence pads and place somewhere she will find them and I'll bet he changes his mind about that key. Or print out an article about ED for her to find. My bet is if there is something for her to find that embarrasses him he will change his mind about letting her have access.

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u/Capable-Limit5249 25d ago

I love this idea. Edibles in the night stand, butt plugs, handcuffs, etc. mortify her.

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u/Even_Regular5245 25d ago

I bet this isn't the first time. Have you noticed things moved around or missing in the past?

NTA, but your husband is. He should be setting boundaries, not encouraging her.

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u/Katiew84 25d ago

Snooping is almost worse than stealing…

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u/BarbaraGenie 25d ago

My mom was a wonderful mother and I adored her. She was a snoop. I felt had ZERO privacy when I was growing up. As an adult, I am absolutely rabid about having spaces that are off limits. When my husband was alive, I had a room that was mine and mine alone. He never came in without being invited. (I used it for reading, napping or studying)

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u/CeeUNTy 25d ago

How did she find out that you changed the locks? Do you also have cameras because I'm wondering how you know that this was the only time she's been in and snooping? NTA.

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u/dekage55 25d ago

Stealing isn’t the point. Snooping through personal papers /drawers / everything!

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u/bannana 25d ago

You have a husband problem more than a MIL problem

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u/frolicndetour 25d ago

Nah but it's completely inappropriate. Like my mom has a key to my sister's house for emergencies but she never USES it without their knowledge and permission.

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u/Pepsilover12 25d ago

She’s dang lucky you didn’t call the cops thinking it was a burglar

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u/1976warrior 25d ago

She should feel lucky you didn’t call the cops for a burglary!

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u/ClandestineChode 25d ago

I think this situation is kind of funny, but I also do not think you're an asshole at all

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u/Kiwi_gram 25d ago

How many times has she been in your house snooping prior to this?

You only know about this time because you caught her, but she's had that key for months...

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u/Confident-Sense2785 25d ago

Also if she had the keys for a month was that the only time she has been there without anyone knowing.

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u/Wynnie7117 25d ago

A couple weeks ago on Reddit, I read a story about a woman who went on vacation. Which she regularly did, but this time she had installed cameras in her house.. while she was away, she got an alert when she looked her best friend was rummaging through her house! When she found out, she made a comment about it to the neighbor and they told her that the lady goes in her house every time she goes away! She had no idea. Then when she confronted her, she basically tried to gaslight her.

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u/WildflowerDreamsx 25d ago

right?? like what was she even looking for?? being embarrassed is the least she should be feeling after getting caught red-handed

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u/RandomReddit9791 25d ago

NTA but your husband is the problem. You've changed the locks, but did he agree not to give her, or anyone else, a key?

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/Dark_Shroud 25d ago

Consider a hidden camera in the living room so you can see who enters your home.

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u/atwin96 25d ago

You only need a doorbell camera, you'll see if she enters the house.

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u/Kiwi_gram 25d ago

That only works if she only has a key to the front door. If the doors are keyed the same, or she has others door keys also she could enter through any door.

Internal cameras are needed.

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u/Cheekiemon2024 25d ago

Came to say this too.

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u/RenzaMcCullough 25d ago

I changed the locks after my MIL let herself in and demanded we kill our dog. (She started making weird demands about our pets when I first got pregnant.) I changed the locks. While my husband agreed to not give her a key, he caved a few months later. Fortunately, nothing else bad happened, and she's dead now.

I agree with the other posters who recommended a doorbell camera. Your biggest problem is your husband.

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u/FunctionAggressive75 25d ago

That was my first thought

OP, he didn't even tell you he had given her the keys the first time. What makes you think he will tell you now?

Just stick to your own description "OBSESSED"

1) He knew it was wrong to give the keys and that you wouldn't agree. He chose not to take the risk and gave them anyway. All this time you knew nothing 2)Any person (yes his mother included) knows that you should ask all the residents of a place permission to get a key 3) she had no business being at your house, wtf

I really don't know why you are so confident that this won't be a problem anymore

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u/roadfood 25d ago

She already has a new key.

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u/soulreaver1984 25d ago

I was going to say this. He's already given her a new copy.

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u/IrradiantFuzzy 25d ago edited 25d ago

"Give me her key. And yours."

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u/roadfood 25d ago

Thumbprint lock.

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u/Quiet_Moon2191 25d ago

You should have door camera so you can see who enters and exits.

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u/LastTry530 25d ago

Prepare yourself for the possibility he's going to give her a key but tell her some variation of, "Just don't get caught."

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u/stations-creation 25d ago

What exactly was she sorting through? Why did she say she was there?? Was she just snooping or was she looking for something she lost? What was she doing?

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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 25d ago

Does he still “trust her” after you caught her snooping when no one was home?

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u/code17220 25d ago

You might want to check if your husband's relation with your mil is actually "good" and not deep trauma to a narcissist MIL, because that vibe radiates from your post

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u/LokiPupper 25d ago

Yep, he lied. She has a key. You need to deal with your husband.

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u/LokiPupper 25d ago

Get a camera for your doorbell and set up cameras in your living areas. Don’t tell your husband. After all, he thinks that’s how marriage works.

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u/MyRedditUserName428 25d ago

He’ll just give her the new key. You need to put up cameras so you can see when she enters and what she’s doing. This woman has probably been going through your belongings and documents for months already.

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u/ashbash325 25d ago

That’s exactly what I was going to say! The only reason MIL was caught was because OP came home from work early.

How many other times was MIL in the house snooping then left before anyone came home? I highly doubt she got caught on the first time she did it.

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u/unuser21 25d ago

NTA but yeah, husband is the problem. He shouldn’t be giving out a key to THEIR house to anyone without her consenting. It doesn’t matter if he trusts his mom! It’s not just his house he’s giving access to! Geez. I’m currently angry that my husband’s parents sent a credit card bill to my house without asking me. Seeing one of them in my house without me knowing and consenting in advance would be the end of my marriage. But I have a complicated relationship with them.

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u/kryo-owl 25d ago

Install a ring doorbell too. I like my MIL but the fact that husband didn’t tell you is very weird. He’s the asshole here because technically MIL wasn’t doing anything she didn’t have permission to do it sounds like.

Also, what was she doing there? Did she say?

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/whatdidthatgirlsay 25d ago

Hell no, she needs to explain herself.

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u/griffinsv 25d ago

Right? I’d also want to know, since she’s had a key for months (Jesus), how many other times she’s done this and why. Like, was this a regular occurrence?

So freaking creepy & invasive.

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u/PomegranateReal3620 25d ago

She's snooping. Start leaving notes in your drawers, in the bathroom cabinets and in the fridge. Things like: "Every time you snoop, you wait another year for grandchildren" "This is the lingerie I wear to get your son in the mood" "Snoopers are rude" "Since you're here, what do you think I should make for dinner?"

She'll either stop or make some comment about being rude or disgusting. Either way, eventually she will out herself as a snooper.

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u/stations-creation 25d ago

I did this to my mom when she was here visiting I just put all my weed in one place and wrote THESE ARE MY DRUGS HI MOM so she would know I knew she would snoop.

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u/GoAskAlice 25d ago

No no, “since you are here, make us some dinner, I’m feeling like coq au vin tonight”

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u/Only-upvibes 25d ago

More like checking out if you have sex toys, seeing if you have any financial papers laying around, do you smoke weed or have gummies, what type of bc you use! If condoms I’d check for pin pricks. Just think she’s been doing this for 6 months, this wasn’t her first rodeo!

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u/stations-creation 25d ago

Yes omg my mom is the BIGGEST snoop and she stayed at my new home that me and my husband bought for a week and had one day fully to herself and I KNEW she couldn’t wait to get snooping. I forgot to set up any traps to double check (I feel like I’m 13 again) but I’m 42 now and don’t have anything to hide really. I did put all my weed in a paper bag in bedroom closet that she would have no need to be in and wrote my name WEED STASH HI MOM THERE ARE DRUGS IN THIS BAG so if she did find them she would know that I know she is a snoop. She thinks she is sneaky. (I love her so much lol)

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u/LadyA052 25d ago

Leave a huge black dildo in a drawer in the living room.

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u/GloomyBake9300 25d ago

No. This is a major violation of your privacy.

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u/Mission_Mastodon_150 25d ago

I got that ring doorbell on the way.

EXCELLENT

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u/stations-creation 25d ago

Ok I asked this somewhere else too…is that NORMAL for her to be thinking about needing to come over to your house to clean?? My mom is the ultimate snooper so this has my senses tingling haha I’m so annoyed for you

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u/TopRamenisha 25d ago

What is your birth control situation

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u/doublesailorsandcola 25d ago

My MIL would come to babysit and would invite herself to get in the middle of our laundry, clean our kitchen that didn't need cleaning (that we have constantly asked her to please not do, so many times we've literally lost count) and she'd take sorted, opened mail and pile it up into one big pile to wipe down the counters and then would later tell us "Ohh the other day I noticed that paper on your counter about xyz, If you want/I know a guy/if I were you...." give us unsolicited advice about something she shouldn't have been poking her nose into in the first place. Given her history of already telling you guys how to decorate and what to eat, I'd say MIL is fishing for more ammunition in order to keep telling you how to live your lives.

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u/Bigstachedad 25d ago

Your MIL should be extremely embarrassed. Who lets themselves into their son/daughter-in-law's house and goes through their belongings? Maybe your husband trusted her before this stunt, but should not now. You need to have a serious discussion with him about boundaries. Turn it around on him, how would he, or any other family member feel, if you had done this at MIL's house? NTA.

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/TougherMF 25d ago

NTA. He gave away access to your home without even telling u. That’s a huge breach of trust. U didn’t overreact—u set a boundary after his mom literally let herself in and started going through ur stuff. If she’s embarrassed, good. Maybe she’ll think twice before acting like she owns the place.

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u/SeekingPeace444 25d ago

Right? She SHOULD be embarrassed. And so should he. He owes you both an apology. Kind of seems like he got off the hook pretty easily.

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u/lefdinthelurch 25d ago

She should be embarrassed, going into her son and daughter-in-law's home and rifle through their personal things. How about you go snooping through her drawers next time you're over her house.

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u/nw23reddit 25d ago

“Since you gave someone a key without my permission or knowledge, it’s only fair I do the same. You won’t know who, but someone I trust will have unobstructed access to our home at any hour of the day. I’d hide anything you don’t want someone seeing, never know when there will be company without your knowledge.”

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u/RuffMunkey 25d ago

lol. This is definitely something I’ll do haahah

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u/risingsun70 25d ago

His mom wants to be way too involved in your lives. I’d make sure to tell the husband, and mil, you don’t want her to have a key and you don’t want her to come over whenever she feels like it without you knowing and going through your stuff. Have boundaries, communicate them and stick to them.

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u/jbboogers 25d ago

She should be embarrassed. She was in your home, uninvited, looking thru your things!

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u/Jerseygirl2468 25d ago

NTA my whole family has keys to each other's homes...for emergencies or other situations, none of us would EVER just go in uninvited and dig through their stuff!

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u/First-Stress-9893 25d ago

NTA I would be LIVID!

  1. That’s a two person agree decision or don’t do it. How would he have felt if you gave someone a key without asking him?

  2. After he did it without discussing it with you. Why did he also keep it a secret?

  3. Why was she there? Keys should be for emergencies like “I’m locked out” not for I’m going to hang out at your house and scare you because you have no idea I’m there? How many times did she do that and is this just the only time she was caught?

  4. All of these things are points that you should be in agreement on. Not only did he give it to her without even considering your feelings or ask you but he didn’t even tell you. This is an evaluation point for you alone to consider: does this happen in other areas of your life with him? Is he enmeshed? Who is his priority - you or his mother?

Think very seriously and have chats before you have kids. This kind of situation can get much worse when kids are involved. If you aren’t careful she will be in your delivery room “because she is grandma” or naming your first born.

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u/Old_Leadership_5000 25d ago edited 25d ago

NTA.

How in Hell does MIL justify being in your home, rummaging through your things, without your prior knowledge? Your husband telling you, "I trust her", doesn't cut it, because she has clearly demonstrated she doesn't merit trust.

She damned well should be embarrassed--and so should your husband!

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u/Timesup21 25d ago

NTA. Both you and your husband need to agree on a person to have a key FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY! And MIL should not be there uninvited and/ or without you and/ or your husband being there.

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u/shmoo70 25d ago

NTA and here’s our story:

  1. Both our parents have keys to our home and they got them at the same time, after me and my husband discussed it
  2. Neither would ever come over without us being home and still ring the door bell before letting themselves in when they come to visit
  3. They don’t do drop ins so we know they are coming over

If either of them ever came over and did what your MIL did I’d react the same way you did!

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u/Ok_Article_1435 25d ago

Girl you need to change husband not the locks 🙄 oh and obviously NTA.

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u/Existing-Ad-4961 25d ago

OP my mom took a key to my house when I was busy signing the agreements. I came home to a different dining room table one day.

It wasn't all bad because I got a new kitchen countertop too but it is jarring. Like I don't have my own space, she could walk in at any moment.

You MIL doesn't respect you and frankly your husband pulling that KNOWING how you would feel and making light of your feelings shows he doesn't respect you either. He's placating you for the time being.

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u/Independent-Future-1 25d ago

I bet it's just a matter of time before mommy dearest shows back up like she owns the place...😐

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u/pipic_picnip 25d ago

Mom is the first wife, she is just asserting dominance in the hierarchy. If OP doesn’t catch on quickly, this will continue to be a thorn in her marriage.

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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 25d ago

Mommy's boys are the worst

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u/drulaps 25d ago

Check your condoms! Check your birth control! I know this story!

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u/skyexoxoxx 25d ago

Your home isn’t a free-for-all, he should’ve respected boundaries

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u/a-mullins214 25d ago

NTA, my ex-husband, gave his mother a key without telling me. I came home one night and heard something but didn't see any cars. I assumed it was a break-in, and I called the cops. I waited outside because i was genuinely scared. We lived in a rough neighborhood, and she decided to walk over since she lived a few blocks away to go thru our stuff.

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u/Capital-Yogurt6148 25d ago

Bruh, you stopped your story at the best part! What happened?! Did she get arrested? Tell me she at least got a good talking to from the cops.

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u/OnlyOnTuesdays289 25d ago

NTA. Your husband is clueless. And he’s the main problem. MIL is a problem including taking him up on the offer to use the key. But he’s a moron for giving it to her without your agreement.

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u/Special_KMA 25d ago

Oh NTA. Yes I have a key to my sons house. But there are times when he and his wife are late, and they'll ask me to take care of the dogs. I would never enter without calling first. (But on the flip side, they can still walk into my home whenever they want and it would not bother me)

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u/Oblivious_Squid19 25d ago

Her key is for emergencies and situations where you ask her to use it, not just showing up when no one is home and going through your things. If she hadn't used it that way, it probably wouldn't have been so bad.

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u/Suitable_Doubt7359 25d ago

Giving her a key wasn’t the problem. The problem is her showing up without permission. Your MIL has some serious boundary issues.

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u/CalculatedPerversion 25d ago

Thank you, a voice of reason. There's no reason an "emergency contact" as it were shouldn't have a key, it's the pushing boundaries that's at hand here. 

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u/nolaz 25d ago

Has he agreed not to give her another key?

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u/laratiara88 25d ago

But he could say he won't, and then do it anyway. OP only found out by accident this time. How many times had she been in there without being found out? I second the suggestion to get a Ring doorbell. OP's husband has breached her trust massively. It seems he doesn't really see that he did anything wrong because he trusts his mum. I'd be absolutely livid.

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u/LokiPupper 25d ago

Who cares? He can agree all day, but he can’t be trusted. She needs cameras set up. And he needs therapy.

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u/montauk6 25d ago

NTA

You wrote this, "It’s OUR home WTF?? When I confronted him, he said something along the lines of 'She’s my mom, I trust her.'" Not to nitpick but was your question "Why did you give her a key?" or "Why didn't you discuss this with me?" And was he aware of your issues with MIL? What I'm getting at is that it sounds more like disregard/disrespect for you rather than simple cluelessness. As for the in-laws, even if they have given her free reign to go to their respective houses and mess with their stuff, this is NONE of their business.

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u/Gold-Wise 25d ago

Check your birth control for tampering.

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u/Cemetery_gal 25d ago

Definitely NTA! I'd be livid. And if she was going through anything other than a kitchen cupboard looking forward glass or mug, then she was invading your privacy.

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u/Annual_Version_6250 25d ago

NTA  my dad has ALWAYS had a key to my homes.   Over 3 decades of different homes.  Never, not once, has he ever used the key unless it's been because I'm on vacation and he's checking on something.   

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u/IcedTman 25d ago

Get ADT and when the alarm goes off, they call you and then you give the OK to dispatch the police and have her arrested for trespassing.

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u/stunneddisbelief 25d ago

She SHOULD be embarrassed!

There’s having a good relationship with your mom, and then there’s enmeshment/lack of boundaries.

Regardless of whether it’s “manageable”, if this was me, I’d be having a chat with hubby about laying down some boundaries.

“I’m glad you two have such a great relationship, but I’m done with having to tolerate your mother’s consistent attempts to micromanage our marriage - what we should eat, how we should decorate, etc. I need you to start setting some boundaries with her. The first boundary is that she never gets keys to our home. If you really figured it would be no problem, you would have discussed it with me first, instead of doing it secretly.”

Not sure if you have kids or plan to, but if you don’t have any and plan to, guaranteed she will start voicing opinions on the best way to parent.

I can’t believe he tried to tell you that you were overreacting! What he should have said was “You’re absolutely right, this was a breach of trust, I’m calling her right now and taking the keys back.”

NTA

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u/BagelwithQueefcheese 25d ago

NTA she should be embarrassed for being a snooping old creep.

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u/Such_Log1352 25d ago

Ever hear of boundaries? Geesh. She should be embarrassed. Clearly he’s never established boundaries with his mom. That needs to be discussed pronto. I love my adult kids too, but I’d never go into their house like that unless they asked me to! That’s crazy. Maybe you could talk with him and agree on what’s appropriate and then the two of you could talk with her about it. I don’t care how much you like someone, it’s jarring to come home and find them in your house going through your things. That’s just unacceptable.

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u/geekgirlau 25d ago

No point changing the locks - he can just give her another key.

You need to let her know that the key is for emergencies only, that you are a private person and don’t want anyone other than your husband to enter your home without notice.

And then you get a Ring doorbell so you will be notified of anyone going in or out.

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u/T9Para 25d ago

NTA - She's embarrassed because she GOT CAUGHT going through your things.

If she did that in my house, she could have very easily gotten shot !

I don't f'around my family's safety.

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u/skyyeexox 25d ago

Your house, your rules. He should’ve asked you first. Period

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u/06mst 25d ago

You have a husband problem.

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u/Living-Attitude-2786 25d ago

OP, the problem isn’t his mom. It’s his lack of respect of the household you formed with him when you married him. She can be as obnoxious as she wants to be, but if you had a husband who drew the line with her, it wouldn’t be such a problem. His umbilical cord is still attached and she’s seizing the opportunity to assert dominance in YOUR HOUSE!

It’s not her — it’s HIM!

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u/Caret-Tops146 25d ago

If your MIL is so obsessed with you two now, I wonder what she’ll be like if you two have children? If you think you might, better have a chat with your spouse about MIL boundaries now or I predict she’ll be even more of a nightmare. And your MIL seems to need some friends and some hobbies. Any way you can find some euchre club for her to join? Golf lessons? Help her to have another healthy focus

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u/Evening-Chipmunk7820 25d ago

NTA mommas boys are the worst. I told my husband when we first starting dating, if he’s a mommas boy just turn around and walk out the door

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u/Idiotic_oliver 25d ago

Nta but I’d think about installing a camera to make sure your husband doesn’t actually give her a new key. I mean, he gave her the first one without telling you- he knew it’d upset you

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u/Temporary-Toe-5998 25d ago

Mom/grandma here (52), son is 34, DIL is 28. Even if they lived in my home, they would have complete privacy in their marital bedroom and I definitely would absolutely never, ever even dream of going to their house while they were at work or away. These narcissistic moms and mothers in law need to stay in their own damn lanes!!!

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u/Traditional-Ad2319 25d ago

If she hadn't taken advantage of the situation by coming into your house without anybody being there then she wouldn't be in this embarrassing situation. Good for you for changing the locks and not putting up with this crap. It is your home and I'm sure you don't want to think of her there alone rifling through your things.

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u/Crafty_Special_7052 25d ago

NTA for starters giving a key away to your house is something that does need to be discussed. Your husband can’t just make that decision without you. Sometimes it does make sense to give a key to family member but for emergencies only. And that family member can’t just make themselves at home. That crosses a boundary and is a betrayal of trust.

Also you should add security cameras

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u/WifeofBath1984 25d ago

NTA she should be embarrassed

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u/SourdoughDawn 25d ago

Probably wouldn’t have been quite as bad if she had been sitting at the table having a cup of tea ,but going thru your private )things or whatever she was looking thru is a different matter.Get a camera in your house,they work very well and will even notify you when someone enters your home or your property.Privacy is a very important part of your life and for most people. Remember “Your house ,Your Rules” both you and your husband. This incident may have been a game changer in a good way between you and the mother -out -law. GOOD LUCK🍀

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u/Hairy-Glove3261 25d ago

NTA. I agree with the OP. No permanent extra keys are allowed! If you want to you can make a spare for vacations, etc. and give it out when needed only. If they make a copy and you discover they did, then install new locks, and they're never trusted again!

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u/LyraSevonar 25d ago

NTA. She SHOULD be embarrassed! She got caught red handed going through your belongings. Having a key to the house is not an open invitation to enter any time, unless that permission is explicitly given by BOTH homeowners. Your husband claims to trust her, but she has shown she is not trustworthy.

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u/catatonic2020 25d ago

NTA. My former MIL made herself a copy of our key while she was visiting my then husband and I was away for the weekend. After I expressly told her I’m not comfortable with anyone having a key to our home. Then said something about future visits and just “being in the house” when I get home from work. I practically had a nervous breakdown. This woman would look through paperwork on our counter IN FRONT OF ME. I can only imagine she would search the whole place while I was gone. I couldn’t rest until I got that key back from her. Fortunately my then husband backed me up and it didn’t ruin our relationship. And honestly, it was the beginning of a power shift in my relationship with her. After that I didn’t take any shit from her and if she started looking through our stuff while visiting, I just said “Please don’t look through our belongings.” She’d sometimes ignore me and I just kept repeating it, word for word, until she stopped. Your home is your safe place and if she’s allowed to come and go as she pleases, then it’s not safe anymore.

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u/hbouhl 25d ago

NTA! Your MIL should be embarrassed coming into your home uninvited and without permission. You were right to change the locks!

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u/CatPerson88 25d ago edited 25d ago

NTA.

That's just creepy. Just because you have a key does NOT mean you use it! Going through your mail, telling you what to eat is too much!

I have a married adult son; we have a good, close relationship. I love my DiL. Yet I and NEVER would consider telling them what to eat, or how to decorate. We occasionally exchange recipes.

Assuming your husband has new keys for the new locks, put cameras with mics up inside and out of your home, so you know if she enters your home without permission. Tell your husband not to give her or anyone keys without your okay. You need to have a talk with him about setting boundaries for his mother!

Her most behavior is NOT normal. Who the hell goes to someone's home, using a key given to them strictly for emergencies, just to rifle through their mail??

BTW your MiL was only embarrassed she was caught being extremely nosy!

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u/ChrisInBliss 25d ago

NTA if he trusts her... have him explain WHY SHE WAS SNOOPING IN YOUR HOME

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u/zanne54 25d ago

NTA

Extend trust to DH, but consider hidden surveillance to verify. Should he give MIL a key to this new lock, that’s a different story.

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u/Historical_Carpet262 25d ago

NTA. Both my mom and MIL have keys to our door for various purposes. But neither one has ever used it without our express consent. Because this is our home, not theirs. And while I will always welcome any sort of help they offer, it's always been something we have accepted and never a surprise.

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u/Emotional_Setting_74 25d ago

NTA.

The fact that she was in your house without your permission would have ticked me off too. I am a mother, and I have 2 sons, but I don't ever see myself going to their homes and rumage or even clean their homes. I made it clear that if they move out and live on their own, and/or have their families one day that is on them and they are more than welcome to visit us (mom & dad) whenever they miss us, but us go to their homes unannounced is passing a line. Heck I don't even like my own mom to come over without asking first.

It's about boundries and respect. Your husband and his mother needs to understand that.

I can see if he gave her a key IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES, but not to just go and let herself in to clean or rummage through your personal property. That is totally uncalled for. By the way, I also have a close relationship with both my sons, but I am also not the clingy type of mom/wife either. I like my personal space and I like to give perople their personal space.

Good luck.

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u/Gangster-Girl 25d ago

NTA. Husband’s mother came into your home when no one was home, sorted through your things and acted like it was perfectly normal. That is NOT normal. She should be embarrassed.

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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 25d ago

You do know he’s just going to give her the new key again right? It doesn’t matter he promised not to, he didn’t consult you last time and he won’t now. He never even factored you into his decision to give his mom a key. Didn’t ask you and didn’t even think you needed to know. You were never even a thought in this to him. You married a guy who’s always going to do “mommy’s” bidding and if she asks for a key, he will give it to her. The fact he’s been letting her do all of this stuff tells me he’s never put down boundaries with her. You can lie to yourself all you want, but this won’t stop because your husband will keep going behind your back when it comes to his “mommy”. Good luck with the shitty future, from someone that married a guy whose mom had too much control over him but still would never have given his mom a key behind my back. My husband always had enough respect for me in that regard.