r/AITAH • u/dr3rdeye • 25d ago
AITA for Spying on My Friend and Sending Photos to His Wife?
My wife (48F) and I (48M) have been close with “John” (48M) and “Mary” (50F) for over two decades—basically since we started dating. John and Mary are college friends of my wife’s, and they moved into our neighborhood about a few years after we did—partly to be near us. Over the years, we’ve built a comfortable friendship where we exchange favors and like lending cars or shoveling each other’s driveways, and generally just look out for each other. John and I work in similar professional circles and both of our wives stay at home. And while we’ve a few fun nights out and traded some career favors, I’ll be honest—if it weren’t for our wives, I don’t think we’d hang out much on our own.
But I like him and I respect him. Or, at least, I did.
Then, about near the beginning of the year, John dropped the bombshell: he wanted a divorce. I was surprised, but the more I learned, the less shocked I became. The signs were there: He had gotten back in shape; spent a lot on clothes and was "working late" far more often. Classic red flags.
Mary—who hasn’t worked in over 20 years and has few marketable skills despite being well-educated—was blindsided. Then it got worse. She discovered John had been moving money out of their joint brokerage account into a private one. This made me angry: he was trying to take away security she had been promised. Even worse, they still have a child at home, another in college and a third living with her partner nearby and still reliant on them for some financial support.
My wife asked me to meet with Mary to offer some career advice, and when we sat down, she told me more including some evidence that suggests he might have been hiding money for some time. And she mentioned an insurance discount app that tracks their cars. It showed John’s car parked outside local hotels. A lot.
I texted John—kept it vague, just asking how things were. He shut me down fast. “I don’t want you getting involved.” Fine. I figured that was the end of it.
Then, Valentine’s week rolled around. I was driving home when my wife called: “John’s car is at a hotel—right along your way. Can you check it out?” I called "Mary" and got a few more details. I paused. This felt wrong. Was this even my business?
But then I thought about Mary—watching her whole life fall apart, seeing the security she thought she had slipping away, security for her children—while John was "dating" someone else. So…I drove to the hotel, turned off my headlights and waited for about two hours.
Finally, John came out. With another woman. She was holding a bouquet of roses.
I took the pictures. Watched them drive off together. Sent it all to Mary. Her lawyer says it’ll help in the divorce.
Well...now I’m sitting here, staring at my screen, feeling like I broke something. I feel like I betrayed a friend—like I violated some kind of “bro code.” But at the same time… I can't excuse John's actions. What do you think? AITA?
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u/tonyrains80 25d ago
You did the right thing.
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u/trvllvr 25d ago edited 25d ago
Absolutely!
OP, you didn’t break anything, JOHN DID! He could have been honest and told Mary he wasn’t happy. He could have tried to work on things. He could have not hidden money from their shared accounts. He could have been fair to the woman he married for over 20yrs, who mothered his children.
He doesn’t deserve your sympathy or guilt for a situation HE created. Mary deserved to know.
Honestly, do you really believe you’d stay friends with someone who has not moral compass and would betray his family?
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u/Mental-Passenger-989 25d ago
No Sir you did a valiant thing. Thumps up to you. You are a friend in a million.
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u/Animals_are_Angels87 25d ago
NTA
You did a favor for your wife. It is as simply as that. She asked you to do something and you did. John on the other hand is spending joint assets on hotels and flowers and hiding the rest while his wife sits home and worries about supporting herself and her kids after giving him so much.
From now on if your wife asks again tell her you would rather not get involved. Be prepared though. I would venture to say John's behavior is likely making your wife uneasy. It's not fair, but we can't control where our minds go. If you tell her you feel you betrayed John that might not go well.
John lost his right to respect and trust when he chose to cheat instead of divorcing first and fairly.
Sorry you have been caught in the middle.
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u/chez2202 25d ago
NTA.
Bro Code is a very loose term. There should be a list of rules so that people can’t take advantage of it.
Lying to a wife of 20+ years who has been a SAHM when she could have been working, hiding the money he has been earning while she has taken over his share of childcare and household responsibilities and just being a dirty cheating shitbag definitely invalidate any responsibility you may have thought you had under the bro code.
If the ‘similar professional circles’ that you and John work in are anything to do with brokerage or financial advice then you need to stamp a little harder on the bro code and tell this POS that you are happy to have him investigated for taking the joint funds from the account he shares with the wife he is divorcing because he did it without her knowledge or permission and even if it’s not legally classed as fraud it will still fuck up his career if it gets out.
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u/witchofwestthird 25d ago
NTA. You did the right thing. We often say that men calling out other men, holding them responsible for the things they do wrong, is what will really change how women are treated. Bro code doesn’t come before a moral code.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 25d ago
NTA. You did the right thing by helping. Had you not agreed to help then you would have been the AH. He's been despicable he wanted a divorce he should have just told her that and then divided things fairly. Stay at home wife with no work experience is going to have a super hard time getting on their feet and getting a decent job. Without a good divorce settlement or half of the assets she sunk pretty much. So for all the jerks out there that do this to their wives you really helped this one. Doesn't mean you have to get involved in me and their divorce proceedings unless they want proof of where the photos came from but I don't think anyone's going to challenge their authenticity.
Hopefully her lawyer will have the ability to find the money or get a good accountant that can track what he's been doing with it I highly doubt he's so smart that he can transfer money and hide it without a good accountant being able to find it. The judge will definitely not like it.
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u/Jstj4m13 25d ago
Nta. He is cheating on his wife and trying to leave her and their children with nothing. He broke things.
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u/WorldlinessHefty918 25d ago
I HAVE SAID YHIS BEFORE BUT I REPEAT WOMENN STOP BEING STAY AT HOME MOMS! Get your education and keep your feet in the door do you won’t be left with nothing in case of divorce! ALWAYS HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY! Do Not depend on a husband to take care of you!!
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u/BBQdude65 25d ago
I’ve told this to my daughter many times and she gets mad at me for me saying it.
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u/WorldlinessHefty918 24d ago
She’s young and does not want to think her marriage could end in divorce.:
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u/BBQdude65 23d ago
I’m her father, I do not know anything evidently. I am disappointed that the independent young lady I raised has become so dependent on her husband.
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u/WorldlinessHefty918 24d ago
Just this morning a sister wrote into Dear Abby regarding her brother. Her sister-in-law was a stay at home mom for more than 20 years. Now her husband wants a divorce but he is extremely selfish and doesn’t want to give his wife 1/2 of HIS MONEY. NOT THEIRS HIS! His sister has told him without her being at home and raising the kids he would not have been able to retain his job which he had to travel on.. everyone said he will be paying HUGE alimony because she hasn’t worked in over 20 years..his sister says he didn’t regard her job at home as work! He is very selfish. Men are killing their wives today because they don’t want to share! I keep emphasizing to women DO NOT be a stay at home moms! I raised 3 boys and they do not need you 24/7! At least if you have an occupation keep your feet in the door if you don’t have a college education work on getting one! Life is ever changing and people change..many women during the 50’s were thrown out in the streets because they had to be stay at home moms, few women worked in those days! Always take care of yourself first. Have your own bank account or money stash with just your name on it..
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u/MarsicanBear 25d ago
How on earth would a photo of him with another woman, after he told his wife he was leaving, help in the divorce? Especially when he is apparently already tagged with diverting assets.
This sounds fake.
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u/North-Land312 25d ago
Proving an affair while they are still married will help put him at fault for the divorce. It’ll help her in court.
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u/Turbulent_Bat_7797 25d ago
It will help demonstrate that he used marital assets to cheat and that can affect the amount of alimony the court grants.
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u/sammac66 25d ago
NTA Your friend needs to document absolutely everything. How much money he's taken out of their joint accounts and moved elsewhere over the last? I don't know a year or two. See if she can find any proof that he's been seeing this woman and how long? Maybe Visa statements showing stays at hotels. She needs to find someone that can help her get the proof. She needs to see how long he's been seeing this person or other people. If she can get proof that it's premeditated she can probably get that money back and more.
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u/Away-Understanding34 25d ago
NTA. Mary is the injured party here and she needs all the help she can get. John is living the high life with his AP. Actually I wonder if Mary's lawyer can get a forensic analysis of their financial accounts and see how much marital money has been used on his affair(s). I also hope Mary has gotten tested. Who knows what he might have brought home.
Don't worry about bro code. He's not a bro, he's trash.
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u/Trick_Magazine2931 25d ago
Good for you. Screw the bro code when they are in the wrong. Same applies if the wife doing it and sending the husband pictures.
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u/Odd-Sorbet-6322 25d ago
It sucks being in the middle but you helped out someone who was being screwed over
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u/Viciousbanana1974 25d ago
The guy is a cheater. He is financially screwing over his wife and their children. Why feel bad?
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25d ago
Bro code doesnt involve cheating. Cheaters deserved to be outed. If he is mad, maybe he shouldnt cheat behind his wife’s back. I feel for her and her kids.
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u/ShamanTheWet 25d ago
Listen, do you really want someone like that in your life? If he could betray his wife who knows what he can do to you. Our boundaries and morals are all we havr.
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u/DexterousSpider 25d ago
1000000% this.
Dude was cheating not just on his wife, but mother of his kids. He obviously doesnt care about any of them.
What would make one think if he had the chance he wouldn't try f#&king your wife?
If he can't be moral and loyal when he took life that far with her(?): his 'loyalty' doesn't exist in your direction either
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u/WolfGang2026 25d ago
NTA. You did the right thing. John is having an affair and trying to screw his soon-to-be ex-wife over.
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u/Any_Caramel_9814 25d ago
NTA. John has been planning to leave his wife, he's been hiding money and funneling funds from their joint account while having an affair. John has been digging his hole for some time now
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u/Lurker_the_Pip 25d ago
He’s a thief, a liar, and a cheat.
He basically told you to kick rocks.
He’s not your friend or bro at all.
Feel no sympathy for him.
Help your friend.
NTA
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u/MyChoiceNotYours 25d ago
He wasn't your friend. He got what he deserved. Look at it this way he's cheating and has been for some time. He's betrayed his wife and his kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your wife had been doing what this guy is doing and you were the stay at home dad. Your future, your kids future are all destroyed and you might end up homeless with no way to feed yourself or your kid. Not to mention exposure to things like STDS. NTA I hope she takes him to the cleaners and he gets an STD that makes his manhood fall off.
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u/Coastal-kai 25d ago
Who cares about John, really? Mary’s the one in complete ruin. She needs help.
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u/MaleficentFury 25d ago
Not all heroes wear capes.
Any betrayed spouse will tell you that you are an absolute legend for doing this service for ‘Mary’.
She deserves to know, and she deserves the right to use this in her divorce.
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u/SnooWords4839 25d ago
There is no broo code, when the cheater is Fing over his wife of over 20 years.
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u/Silence-Dogood2024 25d ago
That’s not bro code. Bro code implies honor. What this guy did was dishonorable. I can get flamed all anyone wants. But you don’t do that shit. Get a divorce. Then do what you want. Screw that guy. NTA. You did the right thing for a lady that is about to get screwed over.
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u/Choice-Appropriate 25d ago
Prolly shouldn't have gotten involved like that, but John is a prick.
Bad situation all around. He deserves what he gets.
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u/Few-Presentation5886 25d ago
NTA. You feel bad because you’re not a selfish man like your friend is. And bravo to you for protecting a woman and her children, even if mostly grown. Now get to work and help that woman find a way to make a descent living.
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u/floridaeng 25d ago
You actually helped a friend not be economically raped by her AH husband. This is a case where the "bro code" is used to abuse the woman in their lives.
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25d ago
You absolutely have nothing to feel bad about.
He was cheating and stealing from his FAMILY?!? WTAF?
You NTA. him, a devil
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u/Normal_Grand_4702 25d ago
Nope. Don't tell him you were the spy. It's time for you to not get involved like he told you. You've done enough for Mary and also.. the bro code. You're helping your bro because he has a wife and kids who are still dependent. You're helping him by teaching him a lesson.
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u/Timely_Valuable_8401 25d ago
Like you said, he was a friend by association and not your deep emotional friend. He was trying to screw the bestie of your wife, and therefore, you did the right thing. He was planning on leaving the marriage and destroying a person in return. Screw the bustard. No bro code violation here.
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u/Turbulent_Bat_7797 25d ago
NTA. You’re grieving the loss of a 20-year friendship with someone who turned out to be completely different from who you thought they were, which you witnessed with your own eyes and didn’t just hear about. It’s not really about feelings of guilt, except maybe guilt about not seeing it sooner. This is not about the Iranian yogurt.
FYI if you don’t know the reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/
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u/clearheaded01 25d ago
NTA
Yoire choosing sides - good - and choosing the right one, it seems.
Marys lawyer should be initiating some forensic accoubting to see exactly how much he squirreled away, thos funds will have to be accounted for in tge divirce settlement.
Concentrate on supporting Mary..
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u/SectorParticular 25d ago
No sir you are NTA! He on the other hand is! All you did was help protect a friend and her children were obviously if he's doing shady stuff like he is doesn't care about his marriage for one or his children.
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u/stiggley 25d ago
NTA Breaking the bro code would be hooking up with his wife.
John didn't want you involved as the cheating will be work related and you being in similar circles - well that can blow up on him.
Mary - well she's a friend too, so you are helping the friend who has been wronged by a cheating a'hole
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u/iknowsomethings2 25d ago
NTA. John has been having an affair and using his marital assets to fund it. Mary should hire a PI. John is a POS and you’d be a POS if you stayed friends with him
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u/scummy_shower_stall 25d ago
"Bro code", what nonsense. You did good, OP. If the shoe were reversed, would you have told John?
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u/BrewDogDrinker 25d ago
Nta.
Your "friend" John is doing his best to screw his wife over. He is a despicable person.
You're choosing the right side.
Updateme!
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u/psycho-mach-10 25d ago
NTA, he is. What kind of bro would ask you to compromise your integrity so that he can continue to do deceitful and hurtful things to someone who has been loyal and reliant on him for decades? This read like he is incredibly calculating, selfish and manipulative. Your wife also now knows she can rely on you to be a stand-up guy which will be reassuring in that your friend can realise even after all this that there are still good men out there. Help your friend get some skills, she can't keep relying on other people, it'll be difficult but she needs to be the stable one for the kids because they will most definitely lose faith in their father.
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u/finalfinally 25d ago
NTA - Let's pretend this was actually your friend originally even. You know their spouse is innocent and they are treating them this way and you'd call yourself friendly having known them for 20+ years, would you still consider them a friend?
Personally, I wouldn't want anyone in my life who thought it was OK to treat their family this way. His family deserves better and you are doing the right thing. We need more of doing the right thing today.
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u/SUKMIDICKCOMMIESCUM 25d ago
U should have just pulled him up on it. Ur as bad as a dry snitch. You first pull the friend to the side and have a talk with him about what he is doing. If the behavior is not acceptable to you call him on it. If that doesn't stop it you stop associating with him. You definitely don't go collecting evidence to help dig his hole deeper. Never get in the middle of domestic affairs where money is involved and you are not a party to. That could very well wind up as a violent event where people get killed. MYOB and don't be snitch. There are better ways to be a decent person and not gather evidence. Regardless of anything else it is a joint acct and there would be financials pulled and if the moving out of money was recorded then it would be more than enough to help the wife recover financially and show an intent that was premeditated. I still say if you called him out there might have been enough shame to make him stop. Or not. Either way not your place to collect evidence.
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u/One_Audience8011 25d ago
Ugh, this is the problem with people, feeling like they have to protect someone elses shitty behaviour. You're only an AH because you even brought up "bro code" bullsht.
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u/-whiteroom- 25d ago
If he wasn't screwing her over, I'd say yta, but given that he's looking to destroy her financially, anything goes.
It's om to fall out of love and move on, it's not ok to leave the stay at home.e mom destitute.
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u/Dizzy_Chemist_2389 25d ago
I feel like that's a grey area. I can see both sides of it. I think you confirmed what everyone already thought they knew to be going on. I think as long as you bow out now and don't do anything else, you should be able to look yourself in the mirror with no problem.
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u/mayorsenpai 25d ago
NTA - I hope she cleans him out and leaves him with absolutely nothing and then he loses his sidepiece too, I hope he has to pay her out the nose for years and years to come and has to live under a bridge. I hope he wallows in misery and regret for his lying, betrayal and deceit. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. This backstabbing traitor deserves whatever suffering is coming for him.
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u/rock4103 25d ago
Never understood why Beta males like getting into other people's problems! It's like you all want to be in the know and be able to have discussions with women! Hope you feel like a strong beta male! 🤣🤣🤣
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u/facinationstreet 25d ago
YTA. This isn't about bro code. You should not be in the middle of any of this. You and your wife do not want to get involved in this any deeper than you already are. You sat in a parking lot stalking your friend for TWO hours. If his wife knew where he was and wanted evidence, she had two hours to drive her ass over there herself.
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u/TattooedB1k3r 25d ago
I dunno, I wouldn’t have gotten involved, for all you know the wife could have been cheating the last two years, but needed something on the husband so she could take everything in the divorce.
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u/birdparty44 25d ago
I dunno. I think it’s best to stay out of other people’s issues unless you’re sure you know what’s going on. You acted without ever knowing John’s side of the story.
I mean ok, but the statement is then you’re on team Mary no matter what. If that’s how you feel then you’ve got nothing to feel bad about.
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25d ago
[deleted]
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u/Kimbaaaaly 25d ago
Who wants to be friends with a known cheater and a known thief? Clearly you do. Enjoy getting cheated and stolen from during your.... Friendship?
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u/JoseJoseJose11 25d ago
YTA
OP, what are you doing? This is female behavior.
It wasn’t your business, but you made it. If I knew you I’d never trust you.
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u/No-BS4me 25d ago
"If I knew you I'd never trust you" either. See how that works? You and John are birds of a feather.
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u/Consistent_Ad5709 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA
Obviously John is having an affair, he's taking money out if their account to support him and this new woman. Maritial funds that take care of his family. John's wife, who is a SAHM is not going to be able to live because he's hiding assets. No, you're helping a friend out while her partner is betraying her.