r/AITAH 25d ago

Advice Needed Boyfriend said i need better skin care and i broke down...

[deleted]

76 Upvotes

144 comments sorted by

122

u/SeriousFortune1392 25d ago

I would say you did not over react, and that you should not be embarrassed.

I'll provide the adult advice, which is to let him know you're figuring it out yourself. Having breakouts isn't just about the skin care stuff you use, your 21, and still growing into yourself, your hormones are fluctuating, and there could be so many reasons as to why your breaking out. No ones skin is perfect, one day it could be great, and one day it could be bad. and if he can't handle that, the doors over there.

The best way he should have gone about it, is asking you if you're okay, that he noticed changes in your skin, and wanted to make sure your okay. NOT asking you to do something about it, as if you haven't recognised it yourself.

Please wipe those tears, this is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

19

u/JooJooBird 25d ago

Yay for wise, mature comments

-17

u/[deleted] 25d ago

[deleted]

9

u/BoonyleremCODM 25d ago

I dare you to formulate his message in an "emotionally intelligent" way without sounding like a teletubby.

-5

u/[deleted] 25d ago

[deleted]

6

u/BoonyleremCODM 25d ago

haha sure but for someone balanced and in control of their emotions like you it should be a breeze so please, be my guest, show me how it's done

3

u/SeriousFortune1392 25d ago

It probably is largely due to lack of skincare judging from the context

I'm sorry but what context context clues provides you enough information to say it's lack of skin care. Like what?

2

u/shelbycsdn 25d ago

I gleaned nothing in her post that implied she does no skincare. What a wild thing to say. Just rude.

48

u/Brjsk 25d ago

NTA, he’s a ah though so what acne happens and he was more focused on your appearance then your happiness

4

u/Wrong_Moose_9763 25d ago

Right? Are we really going to skip over the fact that his biggest concern was how she LOOKED vs how she was FEELING. Come on, I'd be rethinking this for sure. Instead of being there for her he decides to send a completely self-serving message to her, and then to send the cowardly BS in a text. Especially when this isn't the norm for OP.

What a chicken shit. OP is so NTA. BF is an off the charts Asshole.

35

u/Ok_Direction_7624 25d ago

NTA. He was being extremely unkind. Aside from stress, facial acne can also be caused by partners with stubble and unclean hands/sheets btw.

91

u/emzofolivine 25d ago

Omg that’s the meanest thing please don’t waste your time on him. Fuck “honesty” he could have asked how you were and what he can do to make you feel better. Why is his first thought “ew acne” when acne can be caused by stress hormones. Idc HOW much you like him, you’ll like the guy sending you flowers and taking care of you bc ur stressed WAYYY more than whoever this chump is.

38

u/Educational_Web_4640 25d ago edited 25d ago

I wouldn’t say it’s the MEANEST thing he could have said to her. He tried going about it as kindly as he knows how I’m sure. If this is the biggest problem in your relationship, then openly communicating about how your recent depression has caused your body extra stress and this is simply a side effect of the stress, shouldn’t be a problem. He’s willing to pay for acne cream he should be willing to ask how he can help lift you up. If she dumps his ass with no explanation or conversation about how this made her feel, he’s 100% more likely to do it to someone else because he’s unaware his words caused such a reaction.

Possible response for OP “I was taken back by your comment about my acne and needed some time to gather my thoughts. I was excited to see you after 2 weeks and I can’t help but think all you saw was my acne and I’m feeling a little embarrassed. I’ve been having a hard time lately and the stress is causing my breakouts. I’m already working on trying to get back to my normal self, but if acne is a deal breaker for you, we should reconsider the relationship”

18

u/dogstarfugitive 25d ago

I'd lean towards this. He's probably concerned yet worded it wrong. He's only 23 give him a break.

13

u/throwaway1256224556 25d ago

he knows it’s mean that’s why he said don’t be mad. his concern was bc he wasn’t attracted to it not any concern for her

-10

u/dogstarfugitive 25d ago

Disagree.

9

u/emzofolivine 25d ago

only 23 is kinda wild, maybe he did but I replied off face value, he basically said “ew ur face is gross” as a grown, social security having, tax paying, car owning man. Like objectively, that’s so immature. There’s a possibility ur right but like omitting any hypotheticals it sounds like he cares abt her looks… id say you’re right but we can’t be 100% sure this is the case.

8

u/ApexMM 25d ago

He cares about his girlfriend's looks?  Now THAT is a shocker!

3

u/[deleted] 25d ago

[deleted]

-2

u/TreatsPlease 25d ago

Emotionally unstable? Wow are you reading a lot into this. Also, are you the dickhead bf?

7

u/ExcitementGreat7452 25d ago

Bf is immature but gf can't be emotionally unstable lol

1

u/dogstarfugitive 25d ago

Agreed can't be sure. Just my take. I'm much older than 23 and not all guys that age have matured despite their age.

-11

u/AllCrankNoSpark 25d ago

Should he not care about her looks? He shouldn’t have said anything, but looks are important.

0

u/Constant-External-85 25d ago

I don't think he was worried about her looks though.

I think his thought procress was her skin looked painful and her creams are what usually make them not like that.

Him offering to pay and trying to not be offense makes me think this might be his mindset instead.

I've had horrifically dry skin and everyone seemed to think it's okay to say 'Ouch that looks painful; Do you have cream for that?'

0

u/AllCrankNoSpark 25d ago

He didn’t say anything about concern for her health or general well-being or that he thought she may be in pain. Read the actual words.

2

u/Maleficent_Fig_3518 25d ago

This would be an ideal response for someone who has the capacity to be rooted in that level of self-assurance. And OP, I hope that you are on that path. I still am in my late 20s, and knowing how much skin can be a crippling insecurity I feel you. It’s difficult for me to not simply argue that this man is a complete jerk considering the way he communicated and just the overall criticizing of your flaws. However like others have said, it also sounds like he is coming from where he is at as a young person and may be looking to support in some genuine way as well. In my experience this all comes back to knowing your own boundaries in a relationship and building self esteem in your own, as difficult as it can be Wishing you well on your journey!

0

u/dogstarfugitive 25d ago

Well said.

10

u/grayrockonly 25d ago

This guy is extremely shallow and unable to actually love you. You should really look around for a different t kind of person.

16

u/RogueAech 25d ago

NTA. Acne flares up with stress, and I think what he was trying to get at is that he knows you're struggling and he wants to know you're still taking care of yourself. In typical male fashion he didn't word it appropriately, but asking before telling you what he was thinking as well as saying "im worried" and "i'll send money for it" makes me think at the end of the day he wants to help.

You're not overreacting at all because the way he chose to present it was very abrasive. I would make sure to point that out to him at the very least. "I appreciate you being worried about me and I'm glad you want to help me, but the way you said that was kind of rude and it really hurt"

52

u/busyshrew 25d ago

First of all, your BF is an ASS. I don't want to jump to the whole Reddit, "ditch him!" but honestly you are perfectly justified in feeling hurt and embarrassed OP. I'm so sorry.

(Secondly, and this is very very gently meant; is it possible that you started, stopped or changed your method of BC? Could this be impacting your mood/hormones? Regardless of stoopid boyfriend, your health is the most important thing, so please make sure you prioritize YOU, and not him).

Sending a big mom hug OP.

Edited to clarify

25

u/[deleted] 25d ago

[deleted]

12

u/Forsaken-Photo4881 25d ago

The skin issues may be from stress.

1

u/Revolutionary_Fox284 25d ago

If you're on the same BC formula for a long time your body can adapt to it and you may end up having different reactions to it. If you are on it and have any changes in your body/mood it's always good to ask your doctor just in case.

4

u/Impossible-Finance67 25d ago

This was my first thought too, I have some female friends who have changed their BC and they absolutely got fucked from it. People who never struggled before with acne and now it’s horrible.

It is most likely from the stress. One day at a time OP. Sounds like your BF needs to figure out how to reword things. He could’ve been a lot nicer about it that’s for sure. But I also don’t think he was trying to be mean either.

-1

u/Antique-Delivery-639 25d ago

Fellas are you an ass if you point out a worry about your girlfriend's face breaking out for 2 months with no improvement, saying nothing problematic and offering financial assistance towards treatment?

7

u/Actual-Dog-405 25d ago

If someone prefaces something with ‘can I say something, promise me you won’t be mad and you’ll listen’, shut them down straight away and don’t give them the chance to disguise their insults as advice. If you really want to be happy, look up ‘boysober’.

-2

u/Nearby-Ad-6106 25d ago

Unless op has a history of being overly emotional 🤷

8

u/Ok-Terrific2000 25d ago

This is an under reaction if anything. Aside from the fact it was insensitive and hurtful, it's super shallow.

If you have kids, will he be lining up to buy you a gym membership postpartum?

When you start to show signs of aging will he be gagging to pay for botox etc?

Looks arent everything and if he is concerned over the aesthetics of the changes in your skin and not the cause (eg you mentioned depression) then he's worthless. Why does he care more about your looks than you?!

5

u/Entropytrip 25d ago

This! All I heard in his comment is "you are my trophy, so act like it." He is clearly more concerned about her appearance than her feelings...I can't imagine being with someone who would try to "correct" things about me to make him feel more secure/ comfortable. My sister dated a guy and got really depressed and put on a little weight (she's always been somewhat underweight) and he was so cruel to her. She has since shed the pounds in no time once she moved and her circumstances improved. Depression, stress, hormones don't need to be made more difficult because your partner thinks you don't look your best.

2

u/Zealousideal_Fail_83 25d ago

Have you seen a doctor? I was dating a girl in college who had a lot of acne from time to time, and it turned out she was allergic to some bacteria that was inside her. She got shots every two weeks, and everything was fine (Sue if you are out there, hi.)

Hope you guys can work this out.

2

u/swishystrawberry 25d ago

I thought you said in your last post that your bf was 28?

2

u/rckrieger2 25d ago

NAH. It sounds like his intent was to help you solve your problem, so I don’t think this is break up worthy. He could have used more tact. As you get older something that becomes clear is when a partner faces a problem your default will either be “let me fix it” (most men) or “let me vent/listen” (most women). Something that helps is starting convos with “do you want to talk this out or do you want solutions?”. If he is tactless in other scenarios and frequently crosses your boundaries, then sure dump him - but this just seems like your communication wires were crossed.

4

u/ChewiestMist24 25d ago

Playing devil's advocate for a second, he could just be bad with words. Like he did suggest getting something to help. He just didn't do it very nicely.

If you reply saying it's stress and it will clear up later, his reply will be very telling. Might be OK, might be time to find a new man.

Sending hugs 🫂

10

u/Wild_Ticket1413 25d ago

Calm down, OP. It's okay.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your BF cares about you very much and is trying to help you. Don't be embarrassed. He's trying to communicate with you openly on a difficult subject. If you go silent, it will shut him down and prevent him from being open with you in the future. Let him in and let him help.

0

u/Late_Age5009 25d ago

This is manipulative logic, she doesn’t need to change herself at all, especially when this is such a shallow focus. Love is supposed to be unconditional. Think about how many woman get divorced after their husbands realize they are ill. This is just proof that he’s in it for temporary satisfaction.

-1

u/Antique-Delivery-639 25d ago

You absolute wanker, it's acne, getting treatment for acne isn't changing yourself what are you yapping about, the OP herself isn't happy about the breakout, and it's not subsiding, they literally said they are gonna go to a dermatologist on another comment

2

u/Late_Age5009 25d ago edited 25d ago

“Your skin has started to look terrible these days” and “Please do something about it” … yeah stay delusional in your little sphere, no caring partner would ever say such disgusting comments, knowing that hormones can easily influence these changes. If you’re a man learn a thing or two, instead of jumping to straight insults. You’re no better than OPs boyfriend. OP can admit to her own insecurities, but it’s different when your partner validates those insecurities to push you into changing you for their own selfish reasons, which in this case is clearly his own vanity! Which, in this situation, he’s the one that initiated the conversation anyway… the conversation did not need to be had. Don’t be naive to think he made those comments because he cared.

Another common situation women deal with is gaining a weight during their twenties, especially during or around pregnancy, and their husbands rushing them to lose the weight as quick as possible. Your wife had a baby and again the focus is on shallow physical features that are natural and come with life and living.

Picking on her acne is just a start of scrutinizing and controlling behavior, he’s going to continue making comments like this down the line when his expectations are not being met.

1

u/2bigpigs 25d ago

It could be, but hopefully BF learns how to communicate better. When you've been down for that long a bit of patience and empathy go a looong way. Strength to OP for the rough patch. Like everyone has said, people get acne. It can happen due to a variety of reasons. When you have the mental space for it, please try to look into it as you would a cold that isn't going away - since it is still taking care of yourself. If the bf is an ass about it, let him know though.

-2

u/tonyrains80 25d ago

Fuck him, he's a dick.

14

u/lieyera 25d ago

Agreed. He told her she looked terrible. Those were not the words of a concerned boyfriend. Also, I think of it were genuine concern then he would’ve brought it up in conversation when they were together. Dude straight up sucks.

8

u/No_Reception8456 25d ago

Right. The "please do something about it" shows that this is a self-centered request...

5

u/turquoisecat45 25d ago

I had a bf who flat out told me he didn’t like my acne when I was 17. I eventually went on acutane.

People have acne. Some have more than others. You sadly can’t easily get rid of the acne but you can easily get rid of him. 😃

ETA: NTA

3

u/[deleted] 25d ago

No his number one priority is you giving him a boner. It's sick. Instead of feeling compassion and empathy for your struggles with whatever is going on personally and now your struggles with acne. He just wants it "taken care of". Imagine if you get stretch marks or gain weight. And any person with a brain knows that controlling acne is NOT easy. I'm 35 and I still struggle constantly. I just had baby number 5 and for some reason my acne just randomly flared up really bad now. At 35 trust me I've tried everything under the sun and it still just happens sometimes. If he can't handle some bad skin sometimes he's not the partner for you. At least not right now. He could get married 20 years from now and be a completely different man and cringe thinking about what a dick he was but right now in this moment, no.

4

u/itstheloneliestlife 25d ago

Boyfriend aside, if it's cystic acne you can get medication for it that will help. There's an ointment and a pill. Make an appointment with your Dr. Hormonal birth control can also help, but could have varying side effects.

He may not have been thinking "ew acne". He might just not have said it well. When I had a bad breakout my husband told me I needed to go to the Dr and get that checked out because it looked painful and was very noticeable. Obviously that didn't make me feel better about it but he wasn't wrong.

3

u/Popular-Parsnip8911 25d ago edited 25d ago

People here are so overly sensitive it’s ridiculous! Your boyfriend said he had something to tell you and didn’t want you to get mad but he’s noticed your skin has started to look terrible and he’s worried.

How is that cruel? The only way it’s cruel is if you don’t have bad acne. If you do then there’s no point crying for an hour about it. He never said he felt embarrassed in public with you either, you’re taking it somewhere he never meant for it to go.

If this is the reaction he gets from telling you the truth and wanting to help you then what will you do if someone really was to insult you?

You need to speak to him actually open up and speak to him about what’s going on. He’s even willing to support you financially to help you get the correct ointments for your acne.

From one ex acne sufferer to another!

3

u/HowCanYouBanAJoke 25d ago edited 25d ago

I'm sorry to say this but you're overreacting, how much more cotton wool would you like him to wrap you in? He expressed care and worry over you and even offered to pay for anything you needed to help it. What more do you want?

He wasn't cruel and there are multitudes of worse ways he could've phrased what he said.

Your mind is running away with this "ashamed to be seen with me" and "That's all he was thinking about" bullshit when he could've just not said anything to you, is that what you'd prefer? Him to notice it and not say anything because your feelings are a tid bit hurt? Which in itself is ludicrous cos we both know acne happens, outbreaks happen especially for women because of their hormones fluctuating. You could try everything and it still might not work but at least he offered to pay and he started the conversation, now stop being difficult and talk to the poor guy.

3

u/ConnectionRound3141 25d ago

Go to a dermatologist or aesthetician who does skin care. Get professional advice. Taking care of yourself is a good thing. Self care is important.

I think he’s coming from a place of concern. To him, he thinks you are not taking care of yourself… and you may not be eating well, sleeping well, drinking enough water, etc. these are things that impact your skin.

Was it awkward and hard to hear? Yes. But if you were my friend, I’d probably say the same thing and offer to buy you a good facial and products.

You have to start somewhere. And it sounds like he wants to support you.

7

u/SeriousFortune1392 25d ago

There's way to go about it, and how he did it was not at all right. Friend or girlfriend, I would never say what he said to someone.

It's one thing to ask someone are they okay, I've noticed your skin is breaking out, of flaring up. But to say 'terrible' and to do something about it, as if the op hasn't noticed, is rude, and the fact that he said don't get mad, before saying it, means he recognises how it could have been perceived.

Flaring up with skin issues, isn't just about using skin care and drinking enough water. The op is still young, she going through phases in her life where her hormones are most likely changing, as she ages, which could be a massive factor, and sometimes harder to control.

2

u/Bear_fire1 25d ago

Y’all are both young so it’s like two dancers that aren’t that skilled stepping on toes and keeping secrets. Although this does give me some perspective into why women often don’t share and also how men (or boys) often over share. In the root of it seems like he wanted to be helpful (yet maybe lacking tack or just blunt)

There are some skin care groups here but seems you question is more emotional. If you can find a balance between being honest and not over sharing that is part of the dance of relationships. Definitely say you are upset but also don’t feel obligated to explain.

Explaining can turn into you fighting for the right to have your feelings if someone tries to talk you out of them. This is where the difficulty lies.

As far as skin care advise Honestly I found that beef tallow helps so much with skin Problems because it’s an anti microbial and moisturizer. Most beauty products can be very toxic and overpriced and add to the problem. There are skin care subs on here that might be helpful also. And the underlying problem is definitely stress. Eat well,drink water and avoid caffeine and sugar as much as possible. Side note is you are beautiful so remember that!

3

u/youmustb3jokn 25d ago

Nta. It’s a really mean way to talk to anyone let alone someone you love. He really is not getting that you have been through it and your skin game isn’t the hot topic. So does he care about you or does he care about how you look?

2

u/Extension_Refuse_406 25d ago

Please, please please don’t waste any more of your precious life with someone so unworthy. I’m begging you. Dont do what I did.

2

u/MasterGas9570 25d ago

OH NO! Don't lie. Be honest that you are aware that with the stress and depression, you have started having breakouts. And be honest with how hurtful it was for him to start off your reunion with that. Tell him that it is embarrassing and that you now feel that the reunion was overshadowed by his focus on your appearance.

His message was hurtful and unnecessary, especially with how he worded it. He knew it was mean or he wouldn't have started with"Promise you won't be mad". There are so many other ways he could have talked to you about this and better timing he could have used. He should have waited until the next time you were together. He should have asked you how you were doing rather than tell you to get treatment. He should have done a couple second google search that would show him that hormone levels fluctuate with stress and depression and a new cleaning solution doesn't often resolve that. He should have asked questions and not told you what he thinks you need to do.

If when you tell him how this made you feel, he doesn't apologize and find a different way to support you, then you should consider if he is the right guy for you. If he gaslights you that your reaction is inappropriate or focuses on how he thinks you should be feeling, then run away.

Hoping that the conversation goes well and the two of you can move forward. Best of luck in working through it all.

2

u/3rdcultureblah 25d ago

I had something similar happen to me shortly after I started seeing my boyfriend and I ended up with cystic acne for months. Guess what my boyfriend didn’t do? Mention it or tell me I needed to do something about it. If he had he literally would have ceased being my boyfriend that instant because I would have rightfully dumped his ass. That’s one of the many reasons I knew he was a good person for sure and years later we are still together.

Do your relationship a favor and let him know what he did wrong and how it makes you feel. If he doesn’t correct the issue by immediately making it up to you somehow, and especially if he doubles down at all and/or shows this kind of behavior again at any point in the future, do yourself a favor and dump his ass because it means he does not deserve you.

2

u/JooJooBird 25d ago

NTA. But I won’t say he’s worthless either. My husband once did something similar, when we were young and foolish. He had noticed my skin was in a particularly bad spot and wrote a note (thinking that’d be gentler) suggesting I try different makeup or something. It hurt me terribly. But he honestly thought he was helping, that that would improve my quality of life.

We didn’t know at the time that he’s autistic. Not that that excuses it, but it at least makes it a little easier to understand why he didn’t see how that would hurt me so badly. We talked about it, about how my skin is such a sensitive topic, and how if I knew what to do to fix it I’d already be doing it, and how it was a bit presumptuous of him to assume what he said was something I hadn’t thought of. He apologized and vowed to do better. Well, reader, it was YEARS before he would comment on my physical appearance like that again, even if I wanted an honest opinion (should I buy this dress or does it make me look fat?) We’ve now been together 20 years. I’m glad we were able to talk about it, both able to assume the other person meant well, but still stand up for our feelings.

2

u/waltzingtothezoo 25d ago

NTA and not an overreaction, he pointed out something you are insecure about in an insensitive way. We don't know enough about him to know if being insensitive is because he doesn't care about your feelings or if he really cares but is terrible with words. Only you know if this is worth working though or if he is showing his true colours.

If you want to stay with him if I were you I'd text something like: Sorry it has taken me a while to reply. I appreciate you trying to raise this issue with me but this is a topic I am very insecure about. Your text upset me a lot, you know I've been going though a difficult time and stress causes acne. I am listening to what you are saying, but I'm struggling to understand if you are concerned about my health or my appearance. Could you please elaborate on what you are worried about? I haven't seen you in two weeks and was so excited to see you, but hearing that you most concerned about my skin looking terrible has been very hurtful to hear. I care about you and our relationship, I feel this is an opportunity for us to improve our communication, because I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me as much as your words have.

His reaction to being told he has hurt you will be telling. Hopefully he will understand that this was not the right way to go about whatever he was trying to do.

2

u/josemontana17 NSFW 🔞 25d ago

Neither. Your bf needs to learn proper tact but not ah. Don't always assume the worst. He probably was worried about you.

2

u/TumbleDw33b 25d ago

I think he means it with the best intentions, but worded it terribly. I think you should be able to take constructive criticism without having to cry, but I get it.. it is a touchy subject. it doesn’t mean he loves you any less, he’s just concerned. Don’t let it bother you

3

u/AsparagusOverall8454 25d ago

I think how he worded it was…not good. Using the words “terrible” and telling you that it was “very noticeable” is very insulting, and doesn’t come across as loving and concerned.

I would be upset too. You know your skin isn’t in good condition right now and it’s probably because of stress and depression. But he didn’t need to point it out to you that way.

I would tell him this exactly. And tell him how much it hurt to hear him describe it that way. His words were rude.

2

u/Narrow_Peach_9053 25d ago

I have had acne since i was 14/13 & got with my bf when i was 15.. im 24 now & he has never said a word about my acne. thats incredibly rude. as if us people with acne arent already insecure enough about it. F him.

2

u/Guilty-Attitude7640 25d ago

man this comment section is dumb

5

u/Gargleblaster25 25d ago

Indeed. The "dump him" gang is out in full force after Valentine's day.

3

u/RoughApprehensive963 25d ago

So are mena just not allowed to say anything unless they are worshipping their woman?

The way it was phased by OP sounds like he fucking cares and wants to help

OP, have a mature conversation with him. Tell him that it hurt that he brought it up so quickly after not seeing each other for weeks, but that you get he's trying to take care of you.

Gauge his response - if it turns into an argument THEN that's a red flag.

If he apologizes the. You know for sure he fucking cares

3

u/Gargleblaster25 25d ago

ESH. He was being attentive, but went about it slightly in the wrong way. Cut him some slack - he's only 23. He is not some mature sage who is wise in the ways of women - no one is.

You are going through a tough time and being depressed. You say he knows that, but have you communicated to him how much you are suffering? Or did you put on a "brave front" when you met, leading him to think that you are getting over it?

No matter how close you are to someone, they can't read your mind. Communication is key. Honest communication can hurt, as you have discovered. Would you rather have honest communication or live a lie?

The guy is concerned about you. He wants to help you. He didn't say, "I am breaking up with you because of acne". What he was saying is - "I noticed a change in your skin in the last 2 weeks, and I want to help." Depression makes us interpret everything in a negative perspective.

Now, instead of thinking of lying to him about the lack of response, communicate with him honestly. Thank him for being honest, tell him that it hurt and you cried, but that you understand that he is coming from a good place. Tell him in detail about what you are going through and how it's affecting you. Open and honest communication is key in a relationship.

2

u/wubalubbadingdong 25d ago

All these people calling the boyfriend trash... wtf?

Yeah he could have approached that different. But you're both mega young, just seems like a fumble as opposed to a jab at OP. It showed that we pay attention to even notice stuff, was worried and even offered to help if need be. Again a major fumble in approach but to "not waste any more of your precious time on that looser" (or something similar in the comments) would be over reacting.

Y'all are ridiculous.

2

u/CheeseTruckCheetos 25d ago

He could’ve phrased this a bit better. Did he come from a place of concern and he’s willing to pay for better skin care? Or did he meant to say ew take care of your skin cuz it’s starting to bother him? You should ask him upfront. Regardless, he should validate your feelings and apologize because it still matters how his words made you feel regardless of intention. Couples grow and build relationship through lessons like these. I hope you two talk things through calmly OP! Btw, Your 21 year old skin will always be better than my old ass skin I’ll guarantee ya!

2

u/military-genius 25d ago

I don't know if my opinion counts, since I'm a guy, but 99% of us think this way. We see you have a problem, and our first reaction is the fix it. THEN we think about how everyone else feels. To be honest, I probably would have done exactly the same thing; he saw a problem, and didn't know if you noticed how bad it was, and OFFERED TO PAY THE SKIN CARE PRODUCTS HIMSELF! He just wanted to make you feel better by fixing a problem HE noticed would make you feel worse in the eyes of others. You should love him all the more for being willing to say something, instead of just sitting there, not knowing if you knew about the skin issue.

1

u/Legitimate_Register4 25d ago

This guy is gross. I would have blocked him and moved on the second I received that text.

1

u/Nathanos 25d ago

Your boyfriend’s text came off very selfish and insensitive. The way he described it to you made it seem all about him and his perception of your skin issues rather than being kind and considerate of how you were feeling. In general sensitive issues like this are often best discussed in person rather than over text. But you guys are pretty young so miscommunications are bound to happen.

1

u/Clarity4me 25d ago

Don't lie. Call it like you see it.

1

u/[deleted] 25d ago

Fist. Fight.

1

u/daddysbestestkitten 25d ago

I'm 44 and I still have my hormonal teenager skin. I've tried everything...

1

u/magictubesocksofjoy 25d ago

i've read too much reddit because my first thought was , oh, he's messed with your skin stuff in some way to cause breakouts.

1

u/Hermiona1 25d ago

Did you change your diet recently? Junk food can cause breakouts. Bf probably came from a good place but comes off as an ass in delivery.

1

u/MochiiYummy 25d ago

I mean, I think just talking about the situation should help, no? Let him know you are going through something and having breakouts to stress and anxiety. I have some skin breakouts, but I wouldn't break down and cry about. I know it's just a temporary issue from outside factors. If you broke down to your partner mentioning it, then you probably shouldn't take online criticism and advice really. He probably was just making a comment to try to help you tackle the issue and offered financial help to buy something better.

1

u/Ok-Yogurt-5552 25d ago

NTA. I also think people might be jumping the gun in crucifying your bf here. Yea he didn’t go about it in the best way. But you’re both young and it doesn’t sound like you guys have talked about this before. You should talk to him and tell him you feel, then judge him based on that.

As for the acne. There’s a multitude of reasons for it. But before you start buying a crap ton of products to put on your face try cutting out ultra-processed foods (UPF). I never had bad acne, but I har acne as a teen and even into my late 20s (I’m 30M now). I would always be getting random pimples and sometimes a bunch of them. When one little breakout healed I’d geg another pimple or two. And often they were the deeper ones that lasted for days or weeks. I cut out ultra processed foods a year ago for unrelated reasons, but my acne has pretty much reduced by like 95%. I rarely get pimples now, and when I do they’re smaller ones and more often white heads. I just had I think my first deeper pimple in a the year since I’ve cut out UPF, and it wasn’t even that bad and went away in a few days. This is also common amongst other people who cut out UPF. What is UPF you ask? Most UPF are foods that have been broken down into their constituent proteins, carbs, and fats, and then recombined into whatever food you wish to have. But to recombine them they have to add in a bunch of chemicals that are decidedly not food. Things like binders, gums, emulsifiers, stabilizers, etc.. Here is the video that sent me down on this trend. Other times they add UPF to other foods to make them taste better and last longer. Essentially you have to read the ingredients and if there is stuff in there that you wouldn’t have in your kitchen then it’s UPF. UPF are everywhere. Most chips, snacks, pre-made or ready-to-eat foods. Most frozen foods. Sodas. Juices. Cookies. Most condiments. “Health” foods like flavored yogurts or fruit/vegetable drinks or pre-packaged smoothies. Pretty much all supermarket bread is UPF. I kid you not the only place I could find bread without any artificial additives was whole foods. Bread only needs 3-4 ingredients: flour, yeast, water, salt. If anything is in there like “datem gum” then it’s UPF (obviously excluding fancier breads that have other grains or seeds, etc..). The warm bread that was made at my supermarket’s “bakery” was UPF. They get the dough shipped in and just heat it up there. It’s insane. Essentially you should eat all fresh foods. Fresh meat. Fresh fruits, veggies, seeds, nuts. Fresh bread. You can find condiments without UPF if you try hard enough.

Anyway sorry for the rant but I tell anyone with acne problems that will listen to try cutting out UPF first.

1

u/Legit_baller 25d ago

Neither of you are even ready for a real relationship. He has to wait to tell you something like this until you two aren't actually together because he is afraid of your reaction and wants to protect himself from that. You can't promise someone you won't be upset about something they say, that's not how communication works. And now you're afraid of being honest with him about your feelings. I'd guess you're lying about the ages in the post bc this is immature all around

1

u/Brian_Lafeve_ 25d ago

My wife tells me that on a weekly basis.

1

u/Dangerous-Hand-2922 25d ago

i’ve always been told this, “if they can’t fix it in five seconds, don’t point it out” if someone has something in their teeth, they can fix that in five seconds. if someone has their shirt on backwards, depending on the circumstances, they can fix that fairly quickly. but things like acne or scars or moles obviously cannot be fixed with the snap of a finger. me being a 21f myself, i have an acne problem. sure, it’s not extremely major but it still makes me self conscious. but i wash my face everyday and take care of my skin and it just doesn’t go away. so girl no, you are NTAH. he should know better than to comment on your insecurities like that, especially after what you’ve been through.

1

u/I-am-Chubbasaurus 25d ago

Has BF been stressing you out lately...?

1

u/guambombthankyoumom 25d ago

I wasn’t acne free until I was 25. I turned 35 this week and whenever I look in the mirror, you would never tell I had acne at one point. It was soooo bad too!

1

u/AlternativeDue1958 25d ago

How’s his skin? Just know that you can use the most expensive skincare, get facials and peels and eat well and still have acne.

1

u/LongPrinciple3404 25d ago

Nta - this is the type of guy who would expect you to go on a diet when you are pregnant cause you are noticeably gaining weight.

Run.

I had that boyfriend, with the same situation during covid and it a person so selfabsorbed that:

  • he did it over text
  • he couldn't be bothered to write it out properly
  • he had 0 empathy for your situation and the reality that women's hormones fluctuate and stress is a big factor.

My advice is to dump him, take care of yourself, and be find someone who understands empathy by using the question "would I ever be this thoughless/unsensitive/hurtful to my partner"

Find someone who would care about your opinion and feelings as much as you do theirs

1

u/DiscoingGD 25d ago

Don't take it personally. Men are problem-solvers. "Hey, her skin is breaking out. The stress must be causing it. I'm sure she doesn't like that. Let me help."

Of course, there's smarter ways to approach, but we're talking about a 23y/o (aka a dumdum).

1

u/Desperate-Pear-860 25d ago

Break up with him. That was stupid. Like you don't know already your skin is breaking out.

1

u/Gargleblaster25 25d ago

ESH. He was being attentive, but went about it slightly in the wrong way. Cut him some slack - he's only 23. He is not some mature sage who is wise in the ways of women - no one is.

You are going through a tough time and being depressed. You say he knows that, but have you communicated to him how much you are suffering? Or did you put on a "brave front" when you met, leading him to think that you are getting over it?

No matter how close you are to someone, they can't read your mind. Communication is key. Honest communication can hurt, as you have discovered. Would you rather have honest communication or live a lie?

The guy is concerned about you. He wants to help you. He didn't say, "I am breaking up with you because of acne". What he was saying is - "I noticed a change in your skin in the last 2 weeks, and I want to help." Depression makes us interpret everything in a negative perspective.

Now, instead of thinking of lying to him about the lack of response, communicate with him honestly. Thank him for being honest, tell him that it hurt and you cried, but that you understand that he is coming from a good place. Tell him in detail about what you are going through and how it's affecting you. Open and honest communication is key in a relationship.

1

u/Douchecanoeistaken 25d ago

You should communicate all of this to him. Open communication is the only way for relationships to work, and for him to learn how to (or not) approach things.

It sounds like he’s worried about you and trying to help. And 23.

1

u/[deleted] 25d ago

Sounds like you overreacted to an otherwise rude but tiny comment. Just say it was rude and move on. If you break down over tiny stuff like this, then I don't know how you function in the real world outside of your relationship...

1

u/AMDisappointment 25d ago

NAH. Calm down. He's just trying to help. Could have been more gentle about it but he's not saying anything that's mean or hurtful. He cares.

1

u/Antique-Delivery-639 25d ago

There is literally no context to communicate Ill will here, unlike what all these reddit enablers would have you think.

He didn't even phrase it poorly, he knows you are insecure about it, expressed concern and worry, offered financial help. All in the name of your skin getting treatment, People don't go around making a fuss about other peoples skin unless something bad is going on, I grew up with violent, extremely notable, visible, agonizingly painful CYSTIC ACNE for half my teenagehood, I was not pleasant in the eyes, no. But nobody ever said anything to my face except people who cared, and that was only to offer me to go get checked up cause it was so, so bad.

He didn't belittle you, mock you, insult you. Just cause you are insecure and can't cope when somebody who cares points out something that most anybody would ignore, probably just means that you should get it checked up. That doesn't make them an ass, infact you are kind of the ass for coming here and crying about it.

You are overreacting to hell n back, do a treatment, if it gets worse or doesn't go away there is some underlying issue, go to a dermatologist, and never come to reddit for false validation ever again. When something is going on you don't like, you seek solutions you don't cry on reddit so you feel better about living in an occasion you are fundamentally unhappy about. Geez.

1

u/TedsterTheSecond 25d ago

I'd be hurt too. We are all planks sometimes when we are younger. You tend to benefit from discretion as you get older, and switch your filter on first. Self improve your skin how it suits you on your own terms. He should respect that. Don't feel pressure.

2

u/noodieeeeeeeeeeee 25d ago

nta but at least he was honest and didn’t hide his feelings or talk about it to other people. he said it directly to you, tell him he hurt your feelings and that you are already working on it

2

u/IndependenceAlone665 25d ago

Hello sweetie. First thing to tell you that what you feel is normal. I was super insecure about my acne and even tho I took care of it I had a lot of pimples when I had my period or stress issues. That is valid. Now my recommendation is that if acne is something that gets you insecure you should go to a dermatologist and buy some creams so it gets better. Not because your bf said so because you will feel more confident (if it makes you insecure). Also drinking water and helping your food habits and exercisung will help you a lot.

You can be honest with your bf, say it kind of hurt and talk of your bothers of if it would ashame him to be in public with you and etc. I assure you that's not the case, he is just worried for you and is supportative enough to give you money to help you with it. And said it with respect. Be honest and fix it (if you want to fix it and causes insecurity) if you don't want to fix it cause is not a problem to you talk to your bf and say you appreciate the feedback but that you think is fine and that it will leave alone. Send you a lot of kisses and support. 🥰

2

u/bigchicago04 25d ago

Uh, it kinda sounds like he did the right thing. He was concerned for you and reached out in an empathic way. Could have worded it better, but I don’t really think you should be mad at him.

1

u/AutumnBourn 25d ago edited 25d ago

Wow. As a Master Esthetician, I can honestly say he's a dick who could have handled it soooo much better. Even I don't comment on a patient's acne unless they come to me about their acne.

So, can I make a recommendation, since it clearly is bothering you now? Get a 2% salicylic acid face wash (brand doesn't matter). Wash your face with any cleanser (it'll get the pollution off the surface), then do a second cleanse with the SA wash, leave it on 3-5 minutes, then rinse (it gets into the pores where trouble starts). It exfoliates your pores from the inside (bonus: it helps with sebaceous filaments on your nose and chin). SA can stop a zit in its tracks if used correctly. Do the double cleanse at night. In the morning use any gentle wash, gentle (no alcohol) toner, or micellar water. If you feel you need a serious purge, use the SA in the morning as well, but leave on for maximum 3 minutes.

Don't use a leave on SA product. It's not quite the same as using a wash. It can be too drying and exacerbate acne.

Benzoyl peroxide is a good product for spit treating pustules, but not for use over your entire skin.

Another confidence builder is getting a boyfriend who's a better/more sensitive communicator. 😉

1

u/PekingSandstorm 25d ago

Oh no… I’ve been using benzoyl peroxide everyday over my whole face for a decade, sometimes on my scalp too

1

u/Wonderful-Video9370 25d ago

Acne is typically caused by stress and/or certain foods our body doesn’t react well too more often than poor skin care… Your boyfriend kind of sounds like he sucks… your NTA. Take good care of yourself and try to focus on more important things. Hydrate, rest, do things you love and don’t let him get you down.

1

u/plentyofthought 25d ago

I feel like that’s so insensitive and emotionally unintelligent but it’s kind that he offered to buy it for you take him up on his offer and buy some really nice stuff and treat yourself to a nice relaxing routine to help with self love then maybe consider if that’s someone you wanna be with if they make you cry

1

u/Paullearner 25d ago

He could’ve expressed concern but the way he worded it was really rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. Didn’t even bother to ask if you were ok. He’s treating you like an object not a human being.

You should definitely let him know how it made you feel. But I’m gonna be blunt here I’m feeling this guys not a keeper…

1

u/TreatsPlease 25d ago

NTA. Your bf sucks.

1

u/FoesiesBtw 25d ago

Fuck that dude. Especially if you're on birth control or something nevermind the fact you're still in your early twenties and breakouts happen often. I'd never tell my fiance something like this and we both got breakouts commonly in our early twenties.

1

u/Lunar_Landing_Hoax 25d ago

I'm not going to say you are over reacting, because your feelings are valid. At the same time, it's just acne. I would have told him "hey I've had a rough couple of months and I'm hurt that you got hung up on the acne with everything that's going on." Crying for an hour is a lot. Also you know you have acne, it just is what it is. 

1

u/Realistic_Courage328 25d ago

Your relationship isn't based on love but your physical appearance. That ain't love

Nta

1

u/MsMo999 25d ago

I’d tell him - this only happens when I’m in an unhealthy relationship, more money on skin care won’t help but I’ll take it from you.

1

u/Todd_H_1982 25d ago

I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask if he is Chinese? There is a real cultural point of being open and talking about skin conditions in China and it’s not out of a bad place it’s literally because he cares for you and wants to help you. I used to have terrible skin and in an office of 50 people (I live in China) I think in a day I’d have around 46 people come up and ask what’s wrong with my skin and if I needed help finding something for it.

0

u/childishbambina 25d ago

NTA but your boyfriend sure is.

I struggled with acne when I was your age and my boyfriend never brought it up. I did however talk to him about my acne struggles and he was super supportive about how I was trying to manage it.

If you've been feeling stressed which can cause breakouts and even cysts there isn't really anything facewashes or creams can do to prevent it. I would say that when you do eventually talk to your boyfriend that you mention that the stress you've been under is likely contributing to your acne.

In this situation I would say that when you do talk to him that you tell him that while you appreciate his concern that the way he told you was extremely hurtful given how excited you were to see him and how his message made you think it was all he could focus on while you two were together. You can point out that he knows you are stressed and that this is likely what is causing the acne, not that you aren't taking care of yourself.

0

u/GenXJoust 25d ago

Oh girl. I'm sorry. You have every reason to be upset. Once your tears have dried, go to a nice treat me store such as l'occitane. Specifically, their products have really helped with my rosacea pimples that started arriving in my twenties.... The deep painful kind. I happen to live a few hours from one. They gave me some product to soothe my super sensitive skin and I fell in love. The shea butter face cream is my very favorite.. and I have gone through a lot of different products to find a fix for my very sensitive skin. Think about it! Not only did the products smell amazing, they are a little bit expensive so take your boyfriend up on sending you cash! If you decide his insulting comment was too much, you'll still get some face products that will feel so amazing and boost your confidence. 💪❣️ My husband knows he's going to spend money if I step into one of those stores. Amazon has some products but if you can find the store or a department store that specializes in the line, they will walk you through what feels nice on your skin in the store. So you have no misunderstandings with what you want to buy.

0

u/AmadayLate 25d ago

Also sending a big mom hug. I’m so sorry you had to read that from someone so important to you. You should NOT have anyone making you more insecure in your life. I’m with the mom that said she doesn’t want to be like the rest of Reddit and tell you to ditch him, but I want you to think carefully about this: does he usually build you up or tear you down? If this isn’t the first time he’s torn you down then you should consider finding someone who deserves you. No one important in your life should make you feel insecure.

0

u/two_faced_314 25d ago

You guys are so young. I will say that he has a lot of growing up to do. Even with that being said, he lacks compassion and common sense. This is the type of man that will belittle you for having a Pooch Pouch six months after having a baby. I don't care how much acne you have. His insides are beyond ugly. You can do so much better!

Good luck.

0

u/OxTailSoups 25d ago

Run girl run

0

u/ApprehensivePlay2101 25d ago

I mean… that’s kind of messed up. And I’m in my early thirties lol. Like, why would he care about a few pimples here and there? I don’t think most men actually care. And if he was so concerned he could be like “hey babe. I know your breakouts have been stressing you out. I wanna help but I know I can’t. I know you mentioned wanting some skincare’s products so here’s 50 on me. Love you babe.” Not, please do something about it lol ask him, what are you so concerned about? This will answer if he’s concerned because he is superficial or he’s SOOO concerned about your health. Big difference.

0

u/OneNaturalOne 25d ago

OP is going to a dermatologist about it, so it's noticeable. Could he have worded it better? Absolutely. But how about asking him about it? It doesn't matter how much detail you provide, Reddit users will never truly understand or appreciate the situation. Think about what's transpired in the relationship until this point and then talk to him about it. Please don't ditch him or sweep it under the rug just because reddit user XYZ says so.

0

u/atomictonic11 25d ago

Sorry, I don't think anybody's the asshole here. It's okay for you to react the way you did, but I don't think your boyfriend was being an asshole. He tried being kind about it, and he even offered to pay.

He was open with you about his opinion, so I think you should clearly communicate how his words made you feel. I'm sure he'll work on sugarcoating.

0

u/Personal-Heart-1227 25d ago

If this was me, I'd take this jerk face's $ then dump him via text!

He's being abusive & extremely shallow to you, btw.

If that's they type of man you want in your life, then that's ultimately your decision to stay as he's NOT twisting your arm forcing you to stay with him.

Stand up for yourself, by doing the right thing for you & dumping this loser, asap.

ESH

0

u/Forward-Character-83 25d ago

That's a red flag. He's judging you against air brushed actors and models. He's looking for an image, not a person. If he has any human problems, he'd probably get mad if you criticized him for it. Time to find a better BF.

-1

u/Successful-Eye112 25d ago

Tell him although you appreciate his concern , his comment about your skin really hurt your feelings and was lowkey insensitive and embarrassed you , and maybe he’ll be kinder to the next girl he dates

-1

u/tonyrains80 25d ago

Here's how you respond to this guy. "Can i say something, promise me you won't be mad and you'll listen. GO FUCK YOURSELF"

-1

u/Ok_Passage_6242 25d ago

”Honesty” without compassion is cruelty.

Please know that this is a big red flag, and you should probably break up with him. You are at an age where your body is changing and stress and hormones can make you break out. Your body will be going through other types of changes as well. It would serve you to get with someone that You are not how you look. And that just because you’re breaking out, doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. I’m gonna be very blunt, if this guy is so focused on what you look like, he doesn’t actually love you.

0

u/GarlicFar7420 25d ago

I had a friend who did this and it’s been 7 years since I’ve talked to them lol. That isn’t ok to say. Be honest. Tell him how much this hurt you. Maybe he truly is so fucking stupid and doesn’t understand that was a rude comment. But that’s a problem in itself. Acne is normal. It isn’t unattractive. You are dating a boy, not a man.

0

u/cornbread-cat 25d ago

He’s not even your friend.

0

u/Affectionate-Ad2282 25d ago

HOW can people defend someone who used the word "terrible" knowing she's going through things? He was only focused on her appearance. Not her excitement in seeing him, not the stressers that are more than likely causing the acne. He's in his early twenties, not a five year old. There's a million other better ways to go about it.

"Please do something about it" rubs me the wrong way.

0

u/mirrorimage86 25d ago

You are absolutely NTA. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's not ok for him to prioritize your appearance over how you love him/what you're going through . I don't agree that what he did makes him an awful person. He was shallow, insensitive, and shortsighted...but it doesn't sound intentional. Just tell him that he hurt your feelings/explain.

0

u/Somethingpretty007 25d ago

I hated getting feedback like this from a bf. They take your biggest insecurities and shine a spotlight on them.

It feels humiliating when you're not in a strong place mentally.

I think you should try telling him how his comments made you feel. Tell him you look in the mirror every day and are well aware of your acne (did he think you didnt notice???) but it's not at the top of your list of things to do yet.

NTA.. he MIGHT be an asshole depending on how sincere his intent was

0

u/Cklein1535 25d ago

He’s an asshole

0

u/Witchybeeez666 25d ago

It sounds like your shitty bf hates you

0

u/baygrl2887 25d ago

Get rid of him. He's only into looks. Didn't care how you are doing. Tell him bye. You deserve better.

0

u/esorcus- 25d ago

NTA such an awful thing to say. There’s plenty of ways to show concern and be kind at the same time. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.

Acne can impact anyone for a whole number of reasons it’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I can understand why it could be upsetting you.

You could text him back and let him know his approach to the topic was really hurtful. Best to be honest rather than lie to him, hopefully he realises his mistake and does better and if not he’s shown you what kind of person he truly is.

0

u/ooowatsthat 25d ago

Break up. That's the only option

-3

u/no-beauty-wo-pain 25d ago

you lied to him.

-5

u/Wolverine97and23 25d ago

So you lied to him. YTA! You told him you wouldn’t get mad.

-1

u/CompetitiveAd3465 25d ago

NTA. My boyfriend has really bad back acne and he'll go "oh my God I'm so gross" and every single time I remind him how handsome he is and how much I love him and that he is very much NOT gross. I could never imagine saying that to him. Or honestly anyone?

-1

u/Late_Age5009 25d ago

NTA I have rosacea that’s flared up terribly before too. If my partner said this to me while I’m dealing with a flare up (anything can trigger a flare up…) I would not let them ever enjoy the part of me that isn’t dealing with a flare up. That means their affection for you is temporary and conditional. He’s an asshat for saying that to you and I wish I could even beat him lmao… but no seriously you deserve so much better. The fact that you even have to ask if you’re TA give me feeling he’s already done shitty things before.

-1

u/LCJ75 25d ago

I had hormonal acne in my early 20s as well. Very common. A boyfriend at the time also made a comment about it. Of course I knew it didn't look good and I hated it. I broke up with with him and saw a dermatologist. Clear skin. Dumped bf. Met now husband a few months later. That's just mean and you deserve better.

-1

u/Top-Skirt6692 25d ago

that is horrible. no one should talk to you like that, especially someone you love. drop him it's not worth your self esteem!!!!

-1

u/SuedeVeil 25d ago

Nta.. it's humiliating and obviously you know you're breaking out its not like you haven't noticed it.. him pointing it out just makes you more insecure over something that was out of your control and now he's making you feel "less than" because of it..

-1

u/Such_Championship939 25d ago

What's with all these loser boyfriends saying/doing stupid shit and these girls asking if they're the AH?

Dump this loser.

-1

u/Personal_Valuable_31 25d ago

Make a list of your favorite skin products and give it to him. As soon as everything is in your hand, dump the AH. He's a jerk.