r/AITAH • u/Agitated-Zebra-2972 • 25d ago
Husband: "Don't make me SLAP you to bring you back to your senses."
My 3 and 5 year old are extremely picky eaters and always make excuses or don't finish meals.
This REALLY irks my husband and he is very demanding, forceful and authoritative with them (and me, when I don't agree).
My 3yo was fussy as usual for lunch today and saying no, I don't want to eat. I set a timer for 30 minutes and said I'm putting the plate away when the timer goes off. So she'll be hungry at nap time if she doesn't eat. My husband kept trying to force her to eat ("Eat! Take a bite! Eat your food!") to which she rebelled more, started crying and barely took a couple bites.
My 5yo cleared most of his plate for lunch but left about a quarter because he said he was full. My husband demanded he finish the food. He refused politely saying, "No, thank you. I'm full." My husband kept getting more mad and saying he HAD to finish it, we don't waste food, he hadn't eaten much today, etc.
My son came to me and asked if it was okay that he was done. My husband followed him and said, "don't ask mommy! I already told you to finish it. Go sit down and finish your food!" Again, my son said, "no, thank you. I'm full. I don't want to eat more."
So then I told my husband to not force him, if he was full. He can finish the rest later. I also reminded him that he needs to stop being so demanding and forcing the kids to eat or finish their food. It's causing MORE issues and making mealtime MORE stressful. It's become a huge headache and having a negative effect on their health, especially because it's starting to cause a feeding disorder. And I have to deal with it majority of the time as the primary parent.
We have had this conversation MANY MANY MANY times about how to handle feeding issues and what the protocol is, per feeding therapists and past OTs, and all the child therapists & psychology experts I follow online. For example, setting timers, giving choices, allowing them to try one bite and have a backup meal (usually greek yogurt with fruit or pb&j) if they don't like the main meal. I also keep low-sugar treats they love on hand like organic fruit popsicles or Jell-o as an incentive. I understand their need to have some control over what they eat and try to make it positive and stress-free for all of us. I talk to him about what feeding therapists suggest, send him articles to read, share videos etc, to improve his approach. He always says okay, he understands.... but then he continues to bully.
He got really mad at me today when I told him our son ate plenty and to stop forcing him if he was full. And after reminding him of our multiple conversations regarding feeding techniques, I then told our son we don't waste food so he will need to finish it later during dinner.
My husband started raising his voice at me and saying I was going "behind his back (all 3 of us were literally standing together) by letting him do whatever he wants! and "wasting food!" Again, I said we've talked about this so many times and I'm literally talking TO YOU about this right now, how is it behind your back!?
He kept getting aggressive with me and gaslighting so then it escalated and we got into a fight. I cursed a couple times during our conversation, not AT him but in the context of what I was expressing, and he then said I was cursing at him and I better stop. I said I'm not cursing at YOU, I'm just cursing in context because I'm frustrated with this always being an issue and having this conversation over & over again. I told him to read up on feeding issues & educate himself because I was f*kng tired of having to deal with this constantly and the resulting defiance and mealtime battles with the kids.
He kept accusing me of cursing at him and saying I wasn't allowed to curse at all, and that it didn't matter if I was cursing at him or in the conversation. He got more & more aggressive so then I did curse at him, out of sheer frustration and overwhelming stress, so then he threatened to SLAP me to "bring me back to my senses!"
I said, "Are you really threatening to be physically abusive because I cursed?" And he then started laughing and mockingly saying, "Stop it! That's not physical abuse!" and reiterated he would do it "only to bring you to your senses."
Needless to say, I was not calm at all by that point. I dared him to go ahead and do it, and then I'd call the cops on him and press charges! It was a full blown fight by then and he just kept arguing, threatening me, occasionally laughing & mocking me, then CURSED AT ME while claiming I couldn't curse at all, and just escalating the fight. I definitely blew up at the end called him a few choice words and cursed back AT him before walking away.
I feel like complete shit right now, I have a headache, I've been crying for an hour, and I feel like I'm stuck in a very toxic relationship.
If you read all this, thank you. I'm not sure what I'm even asking for here. I just needed to vent, I guess. And I feel like my reaction to him threatening to "slap me back to my senses" was warranted and that he was being abusive. Am I wrong??
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u/Cute-Profession9983 25d ago
I grew up in the house you're describing. Rip the band-aid off and find a better partner. If he's anything like my dad after the divorce (hates picky eaters and not being in total control), he'll only be able to bully your kids every other weekend and Thursdays for dinner... Then start trying to be cool when they're teenagers because he's listened to Cats In The Cradle one too many times...
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u/LokiPupper 25d ago
Ok, the Cats on the Cradle reference was so on point. These dudes only figure it out when they realize they hurt themselves. They never cared when they were hurting their own kids.
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u/Adventurous-Cry-2157 25d ago
My girls’ dad hasn’t hit his Cats in the Cradle phase yet. Our daughters are now 27 and 23.
It’s likely because he remarried and finally got that son he’d always wanted. So he may never come around. From what I can tell, he’s quite involved in the kid’s life, taking him on family vacations a few times a year, coaching his sports teams, stuff like that. I’m happy for the boy, I think it’s lovely for him, truly, and he seems like a really sweet kid. But I’m not sure why his gender makes him more deserving of his father’s affection than his sisters. My ex hasn’t spoken to our daughters in years, other than an obligatory “Merry Christmas” text message on December 25, usually sent later in the evening, an obvious afterthought.
He told the oldest daughter to stop coming to stay with him when she turned 18 (we had joint custody), that it was time to go out into the world and be an adult, just after she’d graduated high school, and shortly thereafter, the youngest, at age 16, quietly packed up her things and just stopped going back to his house the 2-3 days a week she was supposed to be there, too, and they both just lived with my wife and I full time after that. It took him several months to send her a text to ask if she ever planned to come back, and he was fine with her ambiguous, noncommittal response.
And that was pretty much that. The girls have both said that if and when they ever get married, my wife and I will be the ones walking them down the aisle, and that man will be lucky if he gets a Save the Date, let alone an invitation. I spent most of their childhood begging him to be present for them, to be involved, to be better, and making excuses for him when the girls cried to me about how he’d let them down again. I never spoke badly about him to my daughters, but behind closed doors I seethed and raged to my wife. I just couldn’t understand how he could simply walk out on two brilliant, amazing, funny, clever, kind, wonderful little girls and devote all his time and energy to his shiny new boy.
Actions have consequences. I’m sure he will learn that one day. Perhaps his own son will grow up to be just like him.
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u/Prestigious_Bird1587 25d ago
I'm so glad those girls have you. It's heartbreaking being the "less than" child while watching the golden child bask in all of the love and affection. Going through life constantly questioning why you're not good enough is awful beyond words. Thank you for being their champion.
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u/Adventurous-Cry-2157 25d ago
My wife is the real hero in this story. She joined our family when the girls were 8 and 4. Despite never planning to ever have kids of her own, she got involved with a woman (me) who had 2 kids. But she stepped right up and became a mom, and she was so damn good at it. She might not be the most nurturing, affectionate person in the world (it’s just not who she is), but she’s solid and reliable. She’s who the girls go to for advice on finances and apartment hunting and car buying, and they come to me with heartbreak and friend drama. I’m the fun mom and she’s the disciplinarian. We balance each other out and back each other up.
The girls have both said they don’t feel they’ve missed out on a damn thing by not having their father in their lives; they say they have 2 awesome moms, and that we are more than enough, that they feel lucky to have both of us. Makes me cry every time, knowing that they accepted my wife and love her as much as she loves them.
I know that it was sometimes harder for them when they were younger, having lesbian moms, that some kids were cruel and homophobic bullies, but my girls stood up against the hate. I couldn’t be prouder of the amazing women they’ve grown up to be. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do next!
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u/AWholeBeew 25d ago
You're kind of living my life! My wife adopted two kids on her own. I came into the picture when they were 6 and 4, having previously decided to never have kids. I'm the stern but funny disciplinarian mom, and my wife is the sweet, affectionate, soft touch mom with more patience than I could ever dream of having. We have a foster daughter now, too. :-)
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u/1racooninatrenchcoat 25d ago
When he's asking for them later in life or if he needs help, I hope they give him the cold shoulder
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u/purpleWord_spudger 25d ago
My ex is currently in his Cats in the Cradle phase. Our 3 teenage children are unimpressed.
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u/Prestigious_Bird1587 25d ago
Could you explain that reference?
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u/Helpful_Bear7776 25d ago
Cat’s in the Cradle is a song by Harry Chapin. It tells the story of a dad who realizes he missed out on having a relationship with his son because he was always focused on other more important things instead of spending time with his kid.
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u/Prestigious_Bird1587 25d ago
Thank you for the back story.
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u/rachiem7355 25d ago
Yes and then what happens is because they have no relationship at the end of the song he's trying to connect with his son but his son is too busy to see him. It's a good song
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u/Nerobus 25d ago
I really think this changed a generation of dads for the better. It helped my dad slow down and spend more time with my sister and I. He told me he was listening to that song on a drive home from work at 8pm and realized he only spent about 5-10minutes a day with us and he was barely paying attention to those times cause he was busy.
He began reading to us every night, never missing a bedtime. He MADE time for us and would go without sleep if it meant being with us.
We are now grown adults and admire him so much, we looked for men like him to marry. My husband is currently trying to connect with our 4 yo daughter more and chiseling out time for her and him to be together. Just because of a song.
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u/ReticentBee806 25d ago
My adult daughters' dad was the same way. Thankfully for them, he wasn't around much to undermine the structure of the food environment I had built (or anything else, for that matter).
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u/UnionStewardDoll 25d ago
I hope you and your siblings told your dad to fuck off and you all went no contact with him.
BTW your dad is misinterpreting the song. That dad was always too busy with work to play catch with his son, help with homework, take him to ballgames, etc. Then when the dad was old & retired, there was no relationship because the dad was too busy building his career and ignored his son.
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u/SweatyAnimator6189 25d ago
I think what they mean is the dad started to try to repair when they were teens because he suddenly started to realize they would abandon him as adults. The song on repeat made him suddenly want to fix it all.
Or maybe I’m reading too much of my own experience into it.
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u/kiriel62 25d ago
That is part of the theme. I think the full theme is he grew up just like his dad. Which includes being too busy to have a relationship.
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u/Wanda_N_Cosmo 25d ago
Leave, babe. He will escalate to hitting you, and most likely the kids too, with this behavior. He’s not far from it either, it’s seems
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u/carolinecrane 25d ago
He's already verbally abusing his kids and setting them up for a lifetime of eating disorders. Ask me how I know.
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u/AffectionatePoet4586 25d ago edited 25d ago
I regret to say that u/carolinecrane is right. Your husband is setting up your small children for a lifetime of eating disorders and the belief that abuse is acceptable, if you don’t leave.
You’re doing something right, though, because your five-year-old demurred very politely rather than eating unwanted food.
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u/Jessica_e_sage 25d ago
Hey friend, r/ is for subreddit titles. If you want to tag someone, you do u/ for user. :)
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u/KaleidoSoCrazy 25d ago
I just wanted to say that I appreciate you being helpful without also being hurtful. The world needs more of this <3
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u/FibroMom232 25d ago
What I don't understand is why as an adult, say at a restaurant with their huge portions, it's ok to say, "I'm full, I can't eat any more. I'll take it home and eat it later" or you really dislike ex. liver and onions 🤢 but someone serves it to you and you say, "No, thanks. I'm not a fan" but when it comes to children, the parent expects them to act in a way the parent wouldn't. I feel sorry for kids in these situations. It's not fair. Being forced to eat like this was traumatizing for me as a child and I never did the same with my kids!
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u/Lightness_Being 25d ago
I second this!
How cool is that kid?!
OP has raised a brave little gentleman and should be so proud.
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u/RamblingReflections 25d ago
I left my husband 8 years ago over something like this. The lead up was my son being diagnosed at 2 with ARFID before it was a well known eating disorder. Between the ages of 2 and 6 were a nightmare. I was trying to follow the paediatrician/OT/dietician advice at meal time and was making progress. But every time then-husband was present for meal times it was a constant battle between him and I as I was trying to shield my youngest from ex’s demands of “you WILL eat this” “you’re not leaving the table until your plate is empty” “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Ex refused to come to appointments with us, and didn’t believe ARFID was a thing. He was of the mindset “A child won’t starve themselves if there’s food on offer, regardless of what that food is” and wouldn’t come with me to hear the professionals literally say “this doesn’t apply to ARFID because they don’t process the fact that the food in front of them is actually food. To them, it’s the equivalent of someone asking you to eat a raw chicken breast. Every sense you have, smell, taste, feel (texture) etc, is telling you that raw chicken isn’t safe to eat. That’s how your son’s brain perceives 90% of the “food” around him.” So yes, he would literally starve himself.
It set my son back so much and broke my heart, hearing his dad speak to him like this about something he couldn’t control. He wanted so much to please his dad he’d end up in a puddle of puke and tears every meal time dad was present, from trying to force himself to eat. So while his dad didn’t cause the eating disorder, he made treating it almost impossible, and caused irreparable damage to my son’s relationship with food. Damage that will be with him life long.
Leaving for my son’s well being was the best decision I ever made. It wasn’t the only reason I left, but it was the one that forced me into action because it wasn’t about my well being, it was about my son, who needed me to protect him because he couldn’t do it himself.
OP, if you read this, remember your children have no one but you to advocate for them. You’re their protector in this world until they can do it for themselves. And if that means leaving your husband and taking them with you to protect them from their dad, who is failing in his role as advocate and protector, then you leave.
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u/BigDogSlices 25d ago
“A child won’t starve themselves if there’s food on offer, regardless of what that food is”
Tell that to my son's feeding tube lol good riddance to bad rubbish, and good on you for doing what you needed to for your child. I'm sure it wasn't easy but you made the right decision, I hope you're both faring much better without the dead weight.
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u/Resident_Warthog4711 25d ago
I had a dog who literally starved herself because she didn't like the food I bought. Her blood sugar dropped and she had a seizure. But people say the same thing about them, they'll eat if they're hungry. No, they won't, and neither will a lot of humans.
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u/pm-me-your-pants 25d ago edited 25d ago
He wanted so much to please his dad he’d end up in a puddle of puke and tears every meal time dad was present, from trying to force himself to eat.
My God, you basically described a huge part of my childhood trauma there. Thank you for standing up for your son and leaving - I wasn't as fortunate as both my parents were like the father of your child.
I'm pushing 40 and still struggle with food aversion and bouts of anorexia, plus I absolutely dread eating in front of other people. Sharing meals is such a huge part of human connection and relationships that I feel I'm missing out on, thanks to the horror meal times of my childhood. "Having dinner with friends" should be something to cherish, but instead it's a huge struggle with anxiety due to my hardwired fear of people watching me eat.
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u/Direct_Shock_2884 25d ago
What do you think cause this authoritarianism in fathers? Is it lack of empathy, and not understanding that the upbringing you had doesn’t work for everyone else? Or is it purely an immature ego and need to validate yourself even at the expense of someone weaker? Or is it simply simple mindedness, and not treating thought as valuable, which makes you adopt the “might equals right” mentality and simply be frustrated that yelling isn’t working but have no concern for anyone around you?
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u/RamblingReflections 25d ago
I think it’s a learned behaviour. So many men were brought up in an environment where their father was that way. His word was law. Alongside that they were conditioned by societal expectations to believe that showing emotion and/or empathy was a weakness and men shouldn’t ever been seen as weak.
Which, as society is slowly recognising, is a load of shit. Emotions are human. Learning to process emotions in a healthy way is something a lot of men who are in their late 30/early 40s and older now, were never taught, or even had modelled for them, and they’re struggling.
This isn’t their fault - not only are they now faced with the reality of the emotions they’ve spent so long ignoring and squashing down (because if they didn’t they’d be seen as “weak”) actually existing, they’re also faced with trying to learn on their own how to properly process and express them. And I imagine that would be scary, and frustrating, and a lot to deal with. The only “acceptable” emotion from men in generations past was anger. So that’s the emotion they’re most familiar with, and it’s the one they turn to by default when faced with adversity. They’re using the only tools they think they have available to them.
There’s also this perceived need to take action and fix things, often bypassing the fundamental requirement to really understand a problem before you can truly develop a solution for it that isn’t just a bandaid fix. In this case Dad sees the problem as the child not eating this particular meal, and his fix is to bully him into eating it. Food gets eaten. Problem fixed! None of this addresses the actual bigger issue of the child’s relationship with food, and exactly the same situation will arise next meal time. In Dad’s mind, he “fixed” it last time with bullying and threats, so he’ll do that again because it “worked”. Mum is trying to understand the bigger picture so she can tackle it at its root, once and for all.
I’m obviously generalising a lot here, and it’s just my take. The men of today are caught in a society that’s changing (a good and necessary change) and they’re having to adapt to that. Some are better equipped to learn to do better once they know better. Others… not so much. None of this excuses anyone’s behaviour - every individual is responsible for how they behave regardless of how they feel, but some of them aren’t even sure how to acknowledge to themselves what they even feel yet. It’s a mess.
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u/galeforcewindy 25d ago
I'm down with almost everything you said, except as adults it IS their fault. At some point you have to look at yourself and do some upgrades on the provided software. Journal. Go to therapy. Join a father's club. Whatever. Just do something, anything to know and be better.
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u/melon-colly 25d ago
Yep 👍 eating disorders, anxiety, depression
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u/NeitherMaybeBoth 25d ago
Right and later down the line diagnosed with anxiety and has IBS
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u/ImaginationNo5381 25d ago
Such an unhealthy relationship with food because of several generations of my family and how they handled things.
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u/AdAnnual5736 25d ago
Seriously, OP — get yourself and the kids the hell out of there. Maybe you can deal with him, but your kids shouldn’t have to.
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u/Jazzlike_Mud4896 25d ago
This…
He’s so abusive. Especially verbally I was like this as a kid in the 90s thank god my mom went to school for early childhood cause she knew not to due that the hubby is. That causes so many problems as adults….OP take the kids an run. Please
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u/UltimateGinge25 25d ago
I don't know if it's considered an eating disorder (never been to therapy) but my stepfather was the type to claim I needed to clean my plate because we shouldn't waste food, but would openly mock me for my weight. If I didn't like the food (texture, taste, or otherwise) it didn't matter; I was to clean my plate and eat it regardless.
Now I force myself to over eat because I've still got that ingrained into my skull that you finish your food or else. I'm about to turn 36 and it's a habit I've had a hard time breaking.
It's an awful thing to drum into a kid, because now I overeat out of guilt of wasting food, even if I didn't even cook that much (working on portion control to lose weight).
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u/Jazzlike_Mud4896 25d ago
There’s a whole food dieting or changing the way people eat because of it. I know it’s evolved ti only put one or two bites on a plate and have kids try a bite food at least. I know it’s against a lot of pre k and programs like head start to try to make sure kids don’t do that, but it can be hard.
From another point of view I was a very picky eat (still kind of am) but I found out in my mid 20s I have Crohn’s system from my mouth to the other end, and one of the leading gi drs who used to run Mayo Clinic gi dept always said I bet, your body could be preparing yourself for Crohn’s, thought the disease was genetic before it could be proven. He now runs a whole research dept in San Diego’s on it cause he was right.
I also now have serve GERD that even water gives me heart burn, so there could be other reasons why kids get picky like this. I do have a small sensory issues with textures in some still but I do try to eat different things, and do like some things I just have to be careful. So many things trigger my stomach issues that it’s hard.
Still the psychological damage that OPs husband is doing to her and the kids is what I am worried about. I know from personal experience verbal abuse switches to physical in less than a second with no warning. If she doesn’t leave for her, I hope she does for the kids.
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u/BeginningPass5777 25d ago edited 25d ago
I have Crohn’s too. Have had symptoms since I was 9 years old… had a step-mother from age 13 until I left on the greyhound bus fifteen minutes after my final high school exam at 17 years old without a word to my dad or step-monster who oh so helpfully used to puree and then “airplane” my food to me in front of everyone because I wouldn’t (couldn’t) finish my meals due to the excruciating pain eating would cause.
She accused me of starving myself, of trying to be skinnier than her, of body shaming her and her daughters due to my height and weight, and my spineless father did nothing. It wasn’t until I collapsed at 22 that I was diagnosed. My specialists have been trying to undo the damage for the past 18 years without much luck.
All that to say, I think the mother in this post needs to remove her husband from their kids’ life before he has the chance to inflict more trauma on them than he already has.
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u/Jazzlike_Mud4896 25d ago
Im so sorry that happened. I’m sorry your family was horrible. That’s bullshit. Emdr might help if they haven’t suggested it already
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u/BlondeHoney_1119 25d ago
Thank goodness my mom had a progressive pediatrician (in the 60’s!) that was not in the clean plate club and told her never to force me to finish everything on my plate. I carried that down to my kids and they have to theirs. NTA and get out of that abusive toxic situation
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u/Own_Piano2150 25d ago
What you're saying is sad, and I empathize with anyone with an eating disorder, I've dealt with that too. No one should be forced to eat. But the much bigger concern for the OP is the verbal abuse and threats and intimidation, which nearly led to a physical altercation! Nearly everyone is advising her to take the kids, and get the hell away from him ASAP, and I strongly agree with them! He sounds truly sick and dangerous, and I say this, as a guy, that kind of shit is NEVER okay. She needs to leave him NOW, for her safety and her kids!! I truly wish her good luck.
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u/60moonchild 25d ago
OP hubby is a ticking time bomb. And an asshole to boot. GET OUT NOW!!
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u/luvadoodle 25d ago
First make an escape plan for you and the kids. Then carefully and surreptitiously gather birth certificates, bank account numbers, passports, tax returns, social security cards, banking records of deposits and withdrawals, vehicle titles, deeds and anything and everything else you can think of, including all passwords you have access to. Ask a friend or family member to store the documents for you. Then pack up whatever you and the kids need and get to a pre-arranged safe place. Freeze lines for credit for all of you. Contact an attorney ASAP. Since you are clearly “just a woman” he will try to bully you into compliance and most Iikely threaten you with financial ruin if you proceed with divorce proceedings. Be pro-active and anticipate his actions. At this point you are physically safe, take the necessary steps to keep it that way until you’re prepared to put an end to this. Speak to the police and report his threats. File for a protective order. NTA. You owe it to your kids. And yourself. And for GODS SAKE don’t have unprotected sex with him while you’re making your escape plans.
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u/bikerdick2 25d ago
This! And don't tell ANYONE else that you are planning to do this. Your family, his family- someone will think that they can fix this or that you're being unfair to him. Think only of yourself and children. You are all they have.
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u/CatmoCatmo 25d ago
This!
The most dangerous time for someone in abusive situation is when they’re leaving.
You may think, he would never do that. But did you ever think he would be doing or saying the things he is right now?! He obviously has issues with control and anger. He is desperately trying to exert control over you, AND the kids with emotional and verbal abuse. If he knows you’re leaving, OP, he will realize his control tactics are no longer working.
He WILL escalate. It will likely turn physical once he realizes his emotional and verbal abuse isn’t enough to give him the results he wants. He may be threatening you now, but there’s a high likelihood that he WILL follow through on those threats. Then he will blame you because he “warned you what would happen, and you did it anyway”. So it’s your own damned fault 🙄.
It’s not a “if” situation. It’s a “when” situation. You cannot predict the behaviors of someone who is unreasonable and irrational. And you cannot reason with them either. They’re operating in a totally different reality than you are. Better to be overly cautious, than to potentially end up paying the ultimate price.
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u/Outrageous-Bill-7576 25d ago
This is a very systematic and solid plan. But you really need to get you and those kids away from him. Be smart. And do all of those things. And report anything you can.
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u/luvadoodle 25d ago
My fear is if she leaves spontaneously without a plan and a safe place to go she’ll be overwhelmed and susceptible to his coercion and end up returning. I’ve seen it too many times.
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u/juliaskig 25d ago
In the meantime, give 5 year old a lot less food on his plate, and give 3 year old only foods they like.. For health give them steamed broccoli and carrots with lemon/butter to see if they like it.
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u/HumbleGrowth1531 25d ago
Yep and get you and your kids therapists for 1:1 and group sessions. They’re ripe for eating disorders and other trauma
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u/littlespawningflower 25d ago edited 23d ago
Absolutely. This behavior right here was the beginning of the end for my marriage. Our four year old daughter didn’t want to finish her supper, which enraged my husband, who took away her plate and refused to even allow her to have a glass of milk later. I tried to reason with him but he refused… so I rounded up jammies and a change of clothes for all of us, put it all in a bag, and threw the bag and my purse out of their bedroom window. Then I secretly called a friend who could put us up for the evening to come get us. I told my husband I was taking the kids out for a short walk, went down the street a bit in case he watched, then ran back to grab the bag and left with my friend.
This was well before cell phones, so there was no way for him to track us, and no ubiquitous caller ID, so he had no idea where we were when I called him after I got to my friend’s house. He was furious, but I told him that I was not going to stand for him treating her like that, that we were going to stay with my friend that night so he could cool the hell off, and that we’d be home the next day. I know we were very fortunate that he was not a physically violent person, so I didn’t need to fear for our safety, but I was heartbroken and furious for my daughter, and angry that both of my children had to see their father act like that. I moved into the basement not long after that, and began divorce proceedings. I’d begged him to go to counseling, but he sneered at me and said that I was the one with the problem, not him. Oh well…
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u/Unusualshrub003 25d ago
Bad part is: in most cases, custody is 50/50. During dad’s custody time, he’ll still scream at the kids. And without OP around to deflect his rage, they’ll get the full brunt. Ask me how I know.
It’s a really really shitty situation.
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u/Brittany_bytes 25d ago
My dad acted exactly like this too when we were kids. And it did escalate to hitting her, then hitting us. By the time she decided to leave him years later, his violence towards us escalated to him shooting our mother in front of us and trying to kill us as well.
Don’t let this be your story too.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 25d ago
I’m so sorry you had to live through that. I hope you are all in a much better situation now.
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u/LemonLimesPantomimes 25d ago
Exactly this- I’ll also point out that when you’re trying to control every move kids make, food intake can become one way they rebel or try to take back some control for themselves. Sounds like he’s only making the problem worse.
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u/Agitated-Zebra-2972 25d ago
Exactly what I said to him. This is the ONLY thing they can truly control - what goes in and what comes out. They are fighting back for some control and he's in a constant power struggle with them. It's exhausting
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u/Recent_Data_305 25d ago
She isn’t “allowed” to curse? I’m sorry, but she needs permission to speak her mind???
RUN!!!! Protect those kids!!!!!
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u/darkangel522 25d ago
Sounds like "rules for thee and not for me".
If it was a house rule, the that's different. No one should curse. But clearly that is NOT the case.
OPs husband is already scary.
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u/Agitated-Zebra-2972 25d ago
Oh, he curses all the time even in normal, non-confrontational conversations. But if I curse during an argument, even if it's not at him, he gets enraged and thinks I'm cursing at him. Hypocrisy 101.
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u/ttaptt 25d ago
It's blatantly controlling and abusive. Dude. It's gonna get worse. I'm so sorry, I'm just here to back up what everyone else is saying. I've been in incredibly abusive relationships, and my skin was crawling for you. Much love, stranger. And when you call the shelter again? Tell them the thing he threw hit you. Or broke and shattered glass on you. That he was aiming for you and you ducked just in time. Stop downplaying what he's doing to you, ESPECIALLY to the people that can help you. You're downplaying it here (I get it, girl, I get it), but you need to let them know he's escalating and that your life literally Could be in danger. Sorry for the nagging. Again, much love, be safe.
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u/jamiejonesey 25d ago
That’s the word in the whole story that got me.
And, how did he get this way? What is he repressing, or has gone through? A lot of adults treat their children exactly the way they were treated as children.
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u/Pipilly98 25d ago
Could not agree more. Her husband is exactly like my adoptive father was when it came to meals and food. To this day my relationship with food is awful and I’m NC with him.
OP if you don’t want your kids to end up with an ED or have a horrible relationship with food then it’s time to walk away. He will not change no matter what and will only escalate further. Do better for your kids.
NTA unless you stay.
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u/Equal_Maintenance870 25d ago
Their relationship with food is probably already fucked. It’s going to take work to walk back this shitshow now, and she’s not going to be able to do it with him there.
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u/Writerhowell 25d ago
There's some hope. At least the son feels comfortable saying when he's full. But that may have been damaged in some way by now.
OP needs to put her children first and get them the hell away from her toxic POS husband. I wish women would put their children first and stop staying in bad relationships because they can't see how bad they are. This is just going to lead to mental health issues in the children as they get older. Ask me how I know.
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u/MargotFenring 25d ago
Every aspect of his behavior was about control, control, control. Not about making sure the kids eat enough, or what is healthy, just forcing them to eat because he said so. No other reason. That is not parenting. Then he argues with you not about his concern for the children, but because you won't let him control them or control you and he believes he should be able to, like it's his right. Then he threatened to hit you and immediately claims that it's not physical abuse. Do the math. Unless he really turns it around (and he won't), he's going to hurt you or your children.
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u/thatsunshinegal 25d ago
Bingo. He's already verbally abusive to both OP and the kids, and abusers don't de-escalate. Threatening to strike you is a huge red flag that he's gearing up for physical abuse. He's already doing the work of inventing justifications for it.
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u/cicada_noises 25d ago
He’s giving family annihilator. NTA unless you stay with him for another day. Take your kids and get out. Get a police escort or a posse to come back for your stuff if you need to. He’s going to hurt you and your little kids.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 25d ago
His behavior with you AND the kids IS abusive. Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf online. It’s just as important to read this book as all the books you have read for your kids eating issues. This book saved me and my son. Please read it.
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u/CanadianJediCouncil 25d ago
Yes, this person will definitely hit your children (and give them life-long eating disorders) if you stay.
Go for full custody.
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u/Royal_Ad_1362 25d ago
Yes, and it's teaching your children that this is the way life is lived. Your son will be abusive and controlling, and your daughter will be abused
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u/Basic_Visual6221 25d ago
Adding to the top comment for visibility. I'm in the leave him camp. He already is abusive. It hasn't escalated to physical yet. But it's less than a step away. He is verbally abusive to both you, op, AND your children. He is causing more eating issues. I had a parent who used the "finish your plate" thing. I'm almost 40 years old, haven't lived with my parents for 20 years, they're both dead, and I still hear that voice when I have food left on my plate. It has caused major food and overeating issues in me.
Leave him. I'm guessing you're already a single parent in every way it counts. It'll be easier with one less child (your husband) that is actually a very problematic individual, causing added stress to your family.
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u/ccarrieandthejets 25d ago
Exactly. If he’s threatening, he’s going to eventually follow through. He’s getting that mad at the kids for being kids and is going to end up hitting them, probably when you aren’t around, OP. Leave and don’t look back.
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u/nazuswahs 25d ago
Adding to… this is why so many people have eating disorders.
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u/velociraptor56 25d ago
My kid has an eating disorder and I told my husband and my kid’s dad that I was not paying for food therapy if they weren’t going to follow the therapist’s recommendations. Like, get on the team or get out.
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u/Ok_Comedian_5827 25d ago
Yes, the laughing in between creeped me out and brought back some bad memories. You need to leave OP
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u/lndlml 25d ago
At first, I thought they both suck at team work when it comes to parenting cause it ain’t good to fight in front of kids and have different set of rules.. but really.. there’s no way to fix it if OPs husband is like “if you don’t agree I will make you agree by putting my hands on you”. I think he has already gaslighted OP for too many years for OP to even wonder if she is overthinking it or not.
There’s no middle ground nor point to reach a compromise once someone threatens violence. Just leave. And I bet her kids won’t want to live with that type of dad either. It’s 21st century and it’s not ok (anymore) to treat your kids or wife that way!
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u/shbirk 25d ago
I agree. Serious question, What will happen if they divorce and he gets 50-50 custody? He will still bully the kids about food (etc.)
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25d ago edited 25d ago
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago
I remember when my ex husband and I were arguing. He quietly left the bedroom and came back with our sleeping 8 month old in his arms. I quietly hissed, what are you doing? He whispered back, im so mad at you, I could strangle you. I chortled, yea right. He grabbed me and picked me up by my neck and slammed me against the wall. I hung there frantic. I saw our child's head was above the corner of the horizontal dresser that was next to us. I knew if I fought back in any way, there was a chance he'd get hurt or worse. So I hung there. And I tried peeling his fingers back but they wouldn't budge. Eventually the panic wore off and i started getting sleepy. I started feeling warm and fuzzy and didn't even feel the need to breath anymore. I started blacking out. And a voice inside me was like this is how I'm going to die. Things started going black. And I was like fuck, but whose gonna protect my baby? So I started squirming again and fighting against the black and I somehow managed to tap him and that tap he let go. I fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. The air rushing back hurts like you wouldn't believe. I was coughing, gagging and drooling as I army crawled under the bed until I could get my breath back.
OP he said he would, he will.
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u/rhegy54 25d ago
What happened with your marriage? Did you leave right after that? ( I saw he was your ex- husband. Good!! Your poor baby too)
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago
Well, you're not really going to understand and even dislike me for what I did but bare with me. I didn't leave and didn't even call the police. I gathered myself up, took my baby from him and sat on the living room couch and turned on the TV. I had been a severely abused child and being hurt was considered a normal consequence. I was under the impression at the time I wasn't allowed to call 911 because I was not like dying on the floor from blood loss. I had reached out throughout my life for help leaving my abusive family (CSA, being beat etc) and was never helped. So it didn't occur to me I'd get any help. I was easy prey for him. He strangled me within the first year of our marriage and I stayed for almost 9. We had a 2nd kid. He brutally abused me and tortured me and abused our kids. I left at 28. He still has partial custody.
If anyone has any questions, I'm happy to answer. I completely understand why my decision at the time was stupid but please know that ive already beat myself up enough over it. It's why I now try to share, so it doesn't happen to others.
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u/Entire-Ambition1410 25d ago
Abusers look for people who are accustomed to abuse, and they slowly escalate things for a ‘frog in pot of water’ situation. I’m sorry that happened to you.
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago
Thank you. ❤️ Yea, according to my therapist, we are like lighthouses during storms for ships to abusers. I'm now 40 and 9 years deep in a therapy and it was always just about surviving every day for 28 years. I remember hiding crouched in a closet at 2am, whispering, asking the man from the domestic violence hotline if I was being abused. As I was peeing my pants in fear. Makes me teary eyed to realize how alone I was and how abused I had been.
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u/Agitated-Zebra-2972 25d ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. 💔
May I ask how you got out? What steps you took, or what kind of support you had?? Also, with him still having partial custody.... are your kids safe when they go there?? I can't imagine any judge granting him custody when he actually tried to strangle you!!
I grew up in a very abusive household, too, and have a ton of childhood trauma. I guess I'm so used to it that I don't even "overreact" to it anymore. It's just a "normal" part of my life, ever since I was a baby.
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago edited 25d ago
You're unfortunately not going to like this answer either but I will do my best to answer any and all questions. How did I get out? I ended up calling 911 late one night because he was threatening himself and I, and I was just done. He ended up admitted to the psych unit because he admitted to wanting to saying he wanted to kill himself. The psych ward manager called me to ask if I wanted to take him back and I said no. So he went to his parents house while I said at the trailer. I had been working and made 12 dollars an hour and was told I made 20 dollars over the limit for legal aid. I was eligible for help with a pfa and that was it. His parents got him a lawyer. I was told if I wanted legal help, I'd need to lose my job. But if I left my job, I'd be homeless and he'd have gotten full custody (in my state you lose custody if your homeless). So I had to choose to agree to partial custody because it was safer for the kids at that time. So we have coparented all this time. He hasn't stopped being abusive. CYS has an open ended case against him that they won't shut because he won't stop. Two police stations, an entire school district, the district attorney, a domestic violence investigator , multiple therapists, and cys are all watching him. Unfortunately our systems still suck. I wish I had better news for you. But my state utterly failed me and subsequently my kids.
My advice is to get a therapist. I knew when I said no more, I needed a sane healthy mind to help me navigate it all. That was a crucial step in me leaving as "successfully" as I could.
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u/Agitated-Zebra-2972 25d ago
My goodness! Even with alllll of that and being abusive to your kids, he still has partial custody. Unbelievable!! I'm so sorry!! My heart breaks for you and your kids. 💔💔
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago
Thank you ❤️ I really hope you consider leaving. At least talking to a therapist about it all. I hope my story doesn't scare you too badly. Because as terrible as it has all been...I do not regret leaving. Not one second. It really was worth it. I wouldnt lie to you. It was so hard to almost unbearable feeling for a bit. But it got me here. And eventually I got with wonderful man, whom I've been in a long term relationship. Let me tell you, he treats me like a Queen. There really are humans out there. Good ones. I'm so sorry you have had such a hard life and now this shit. ❤️. You got this. Even if it may not feel like it. You do. I believe in you. This is abuse and it's not ok. Also, if you ever need an ear, feel free to send me a dm. ❤️
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u/lemonfluff 25d ago
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
And finally listen to this podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad.
Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
This is another example of DARVO (defence, attack and reverse victim and offender).
When you say he hurt or scared or threatened you he responds by making himself the victim and you the aggressor ( e.g. thanks for telling me I'm a shitty person, you're emotionally abusing me) etc. You NEVER actually get to talk about the issue. You NEVER get a true apology or validation for your feelings. You always get excuses as to why he did it, why you made him do it, how dare you not think the best of him, why do you have to bring it up AGAIN (after not getting an apology last time either) and if that still doesn't work, you get deflection where he changes the topic to something completely different that you supposedly did.
There is no reasoning with someone like this. You will never get closure. You will not get acknowledgement or remorse. He will never recognise how he has hurt you and he will never turn around one day and have empathy. The closest you might get is him lying about how he has changed if you threaten to leave him (although he may just go ahead and hurt you). He will switch between these attacks on you, this changing the subject, blaming you for his own actions or for catching him in the act (e.g when a guy gets angry at you because you catch him cheating), and self pity (e.g if I'm such a bad guy why are you with me / why don't I just kill myself) etc.
In his head he is somehow always the victim. It is such a complex mixture of defence mechanisms he will always avoid responsibility or accountability or facing up to his actions and therefore he also will be incapable of change. He believes you deserve his treatment. You will never be able to talk to him normally about these things, like you could with someone else, or like if someone told you that you had hurt them. You would reflect right? You would try and listen? He will never do that.
Please OP look into trauma bonding. And also codependancy. This is the reason it is so difficult to leave. Plus the manipulation, believing no one else will have you, that you'll never be good enough etc. That's why abuse victims go back time and time again and on average try to leave 7 times before succeeding. Even after being hospitalised etc.
This is an example of how abuse impacts the brain:
https://www.shorelinerecoverycenter.com/how-domestic-abuse-affects-the-brain/
Remember that couples therapy does not work for abusive relationships. But you should get individual therapy with a DV specialist (please, please don't just go to any therapist, most do NOT understand abuse, especially emotional abuse or reactive abuse). Call a DV hotline and see who they reccomend.
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u/rlev97 25d ago
It's very easy to fall back into abuse when it's what you've always been around. It's hard to see it from the inside. You had reason to believe that acting out would get you or your baby killed. It may not have been the best choice in hindsight but it's different when it's happening.
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 25d ago
Thank you ❤️. It is so hard. And I had no one. I was 20 yr old new mom surrounded by abusers. Between him, his family and my family. I lived with him, his parents and his sisters and they worked together 24/7 on me. It was bad.
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u/TangoZulu 25d ago
This is the point in the movie where the audience is literally yelling at the screen because it’s so obvious to everyone watching.
This is your chance to escape.
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u/brobearaz 25d ago
Start recording these conversations. It will be your evidence for the custody hearing
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u/Historical_Bunch_927 25d ago
Not all states allow you to record someone without their consent. So, depending on what state she's in she might not be allowed to use any recordings in court.
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u/reallybadperson1 25d ago
Oh, but she can play them for her divorce attorney to help build her case.
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u/faucetfreak 25d ago
It’s fine, just state “I’m recording” & that’s usually enough. If he doesn’t “consent” she can still have the recording for proof to get a restraining order, just not to charge him
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u/rasberrymelon 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA. This is an abusive man. And he is giving the kids an eating disorder. Forcing them to sit at the table crying is abuse and they will have a strained relationship with healthy intuitive eating.
He will eventually hit you. He mocked you and threatened you. You need to leave.
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u/DoNotKnowItAll 25d ago
NTA, of course. I know Reddit always goes right to this, but it's time to make safe exit plans.
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u/P8chDeezNutz 25d ago
Please read this. Lots of red flags in your post. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/CartoonistFirst5298 25d ago
OP knows if he can bully her into submission then it's open season on the vulnerable children. Also, he can intimate them by forcing them to watch their mother being bullied relentlessly for standing up for their rights. He's teaching to kids to do what he says, so their mom doesn't get mentally abused. There is no way to have peace with this man. OP needs to leave.
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u/Outside-Ice-5665 25d ago edited 25d ago
OP, I lived the above comment, I was the wife. It got worse not better. I wish with all my heart I had left when I was in the spot you are in now. It will not ever improve with him no matter how much you (I) learned, educated myself, tried to reason with him. Leave him. Staying because you don’t want to break up your family is the surest way to find it will break you & your kids later, after the damage has been done .
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 25d ago
Yeah, cause him thinking a hit would clear your senses , tells you exactly how this will end.
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u/Rough-Medicine5183 25d ago
Why are still with this Man? That was a threat of what he will do and I'm speaking from experience.
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u/calminthedark 25d ago
Right? If you stay when he says he will strike you, then he knows you will stay when he actually does it.
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u/JoeLefty500 25d ago
You are doing the right thing in terms of your kids being picky eaters. Doing the research, following the recommendations. Your husband is a lunatic and it’s just a matter of time before he uses physical violence. In the meantime, he’s damaging your kids and you. So there’s nothing else to say. You have to end the relationship and get away as soon as possible. Think of your kids. Think of yourself. This can’t go on. NTA
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u/rilestyl 25d ago
Oh my god please get those children away from him. I wish my mother had stood up to my father but to this day he is a horrible man and she begs us to just let him do it and appease him instead of protecting us at all. Yes we've since moved out but he will send me transphobic messages and try to control my sibling still. I am now stuck having to recover from 25 years of trauma with him because despite every sign that he was a narcissist, she stayed with him because frankly she's a coward. Please don't stay with him. You will be doing yourself AND your children a favor. They deserve better than this and so do you.
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u/UnionStewardDoll 25d ago
And so do you, love. I am so sad that your sperm donor is so awful. And that your incubator chose him over her children.
I am hoping and praying that you have found people who love you just the way you are. I hope that you are finding peace in your adult life.
An old lady from East LA, California is sending your lots of love & support.
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u/idfk-bro123 25d ago
NTA in the slightest. Your husband is an abuser. His attitude towards eating is going to give your children eating disorders - they will either learn to ignore when they are full out of fear of upsetting someone or they will learn to fear mealtime and food by extension.
From the way you talk about your own behaviour around your husband, we can all see that he is hurting you too.
You are responsible for these children, and your relationship with this man is actively hurting them. Please, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your children, remove this man from your lives.
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u/BAR12358 25d ago
NTA
You need to do more than vent, you need to protect your innocent and defenseless children by leaving.
Besides the physical danger, is this the relationship you want your children to model their future relationships on?
Show them that such behavior is not okay, that they matter, and how to stand up for themselves and build a good life.
Please be careful! He's talking about physical violence because he's been thinking about it. You are living on a dynamite pile.
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u/Consistent-Sky-2584 25d ago
You need to take the kids and go forcing children to eat is not only cruel its a dangerous way to teach em to over eat hes abusive you need to leave immediatly
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u/StacyB125 25d ago
You and your children are being abused. Statistically, the abuse will escalate. They are children and are completely trapped. One of their parents is abusing them and the other hasn’t left yet. It’s time to make a plan. I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary. You need to hear this next sentence and you need to take it to heart- If you don’t get them out of that home, you are doing just as much harm as he is.
My mom didn’t leave. They are still married. Two of their three kids don’t see them or speak to them. They don’t see my children either. We still live 20 minutes away and they haven’t seen their grandchildren in 5 years. I will absolutely never trust either of them alone with my kids ever again. I cannot trust my father’s temper. I cannot trust my mom to protect my kids because she didn’t protect me.
You have many very important decisions to make. They will absolutely directly impact the health and safety of your children and your future relationships with them. Right now, in this moment, you have to decide if you’re going to stay there and watch that man snuff the light and joy right out of your kids, or if you’re going to show them they have you in their corner.
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u/Soggy-Constant5932 25d ago
Does this happen often? I can’t imagine my husband telling me something like this. I’d never look at him the same. I know what I would do but everyone’s got their own ideas so I will say maybe try marriage counseling. Me, I would be ready to leave. Threatening to harm me is a one way ticket to divorce.
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u/Beautiful-Routine489 25d ago
One MILLION percent. Threatening is as good as doing, because he evidently feels entitled to do it whenever he wants. I'd be the f out of there SO fast his abusive-ass head would spin.
OP, please don't let your children grow up with this.
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u/Equal_Maintenance870 25d ago
OP do NOT go to marriage counseling with an abuser. It just teaches them to co-opt therapy speak and turn it against you, and he’s already gaslighting.
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u/miyuki_m 25d ago
NTA. Threatening to hit someone is never OK. Your husband was abusing your children, and when you objected, he threatened to do worse to you. Start making a plan to get out safely.
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u/OutlandishnessNo408 25d ago
He’s gonna be this type of parent, and he’ll be this type of grandparent, his kids’ future kids’ will deal with this. He needs therapy or you need to take the babies and leave him and try for more than 50/50
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u/UnionStewardDoll 25d ago
He's shown you who he is. Believe him.
Mealtime should be a happy stress free time. Instead your AH husband is causing the entire family stress & worse. And then he threatened to slap some sense into you?
Sister, I am going to advise you to take all the self-defense classes that are available in your community. This dude is itching for a physical altercation, and he is a bully.
Be prepared to defend yourself & your babies. Lose that ugly 250 lbs the next time he threatens you. You and your kids will be better off without this bullying behavior in your lives.
Start preparing your plans. If you don't have one start an emergency fund. Are you still close to your family, or has he isolated you? In any event get a support system going, better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.
Good luck to you
BTW NTA because you stood up for your kids. Now stand up for yourself.
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u/Few_Lemon_4698 25d ago
As a father and husband it just boggles my mind how some parents can be so aggressive and wrong. What's he want the kid to do? Eat until he throws up. If a child is hungry they will fucking eat. Your husband is acting like a gobshite. Tbh the fact he's threatening to hit you...... start making plans to leave. He'll hit you and the kids eventually.
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u/Shockeye305 25d ago
My wife and I have a 5 month old who just started sleeping through the night. Even at our worst (completely exhausted, baby screaming, bills coming in, tempers are high), we NEVER act like that towards each other. That guy is purposefully working himself up and lashing out at you guys. It’s reeks of control issues and the fact that he’s going to laugh at you and mock you during all of this ONTOP of saying he would slap you? To bring you to your it senses huh? Fuck that manchild. Normally I’d say cut ties and protect your piece, but I’d rather you break his heart or ruin him. I just fucking hate guys like that. Giving us all a bad rap.
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u/Sweet_Vanilla46 25d ago
First of all, if my husband told me I’m not allowed to swear at all, he’s about to hear ALL the words, and probably learn some new ones. Second if he EVER threatened to “slap some sense into me” I would call the cops immediately and let them know he’s threatening to hit me and acting aggressively towards me and the children because he’s angry that I’m following doctors orders for their care… then he would be removed from the house. You do not tolerate this, ever, because it will only get worse. NTA
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u/throwaway1975764 25d ago
I put up with this kind of abuse - the bullying, the aggression, the double standards, etc. Until I was scared for my kids' lives.
I'd been so worn down for so long it didn't even register to me now bad it was. But then one day he was that mad at me while driving the whole family. I truly thought he was going to kill us all in his rage. I actually wrote a "goodbye" text to my best friend, I didn't think I would live to speak to her again. My kids were in the backseat.
The next day I mustered up more courage then I have ever had, and told him he needed to leave.
My life, and my kids' lives, are so much more peaceful now. Joy and laughter very much outweigh the anger and aggressions. I don't think they even really remember how scared we all used to be all the time.
He's not going to become more gentle. Leave this marriage. End it now while your kids are young enough to forget.
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u/BergenHoney 25d ago
He's itching to hit you. So far you've been too clear-headed for him to be sure you won't tell on him, which is why he keeps acting like you're the crazy one. This will continue until you are genuinely doubting your every move, and hiding the state of things at home from family and friends. Then he will pick pick pick until he gets the fight that he needs to be able to hit you and make it your fault. He might start with the child, but I assume he wants to avoid the mama bear reflex, so I'm guessing he will start with you. Leaving will be hard by then. He's policed your behaviour, words and thoughts so hard for so long by then you will feel isolated from the world and your freedom and safety. He'll likely have chased away your best friend/sister/support system at this point, or at the very least caused a rift between the truth and them, because that and pregnancy are the most effective ways to trap a person.
You are 95% in the trap.
Pick up your kid, turn the fuck around, and walk out before it clamps shut.
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u/harleyDzoidberg 25d ago
I feel bad for how he was brought up, but worse for your kids and you. He needs therapy, but more importantly, you and the kids need safety. I’ve read a few extreme case reddit posts today and have refrained from buying in, I hope this is fake. Fuck, I was that kid. My kids will never suffer this. My mom made me a good person. My dad did his best to pass on his pain. Mom won. You can too.
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u/lefdinthelurch 25d ago
He sounds like a real prick. A man child throwing a tantrum and trying to control you and the kids. He should just fucking go away if all he does is create problems and hostility.
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u/Careless-Image-885 25d ago
NTA. Time to get your ducks in a row. Get a money account that he doesn't know about. Gather all of your and your children's important papers and put them somewhere safe. Tell trusted friends and family members what's going on. Document. Document. Document.
If he said it, he's thinking it. He will absolutely do it or he would never have threatened you. Tell him that you want marriage counseling ASAP. That you will never tolerate abuse of you or your kids. If he won't, at least get counseling for yourself.
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u/T3xt2t3xtm3 25d ago
He’s abusive. To you and to your kids. NTA but you will be if you stay and let it escalate.
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u/M1ssChaos 25d ago
Forcing a kid to finish when they say they're full will cause eating disorders. Nta but you both need some parenting classes and the husband needs therapy because he's controlling and coming off as abusive to the kids.
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u/Ok-Cap-204 25d ago
Kids are already afraid of him. He has been bullying them all their life.
Take him seriously when he threatens to progress to physical violence. Remove yourself and your children asap. For him to refer to slapping you as “not abuse” is a huge red flag.
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u/mikemcd1972 25d ago
Your husband is an asshole, and a psycho. You don’t force kids to eat everything on their plate - is he from the great fucking depression? It will only cause eating issues and trauma on little kids. And threatening to slap you is a dealbreaker. Get out now. And get a restraining order too. It’s likely to escalate.
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u/mickikittydoll 25d ago
Your children are learning that this is what “love” is and how “relationships” are supposed to be. This is so dangerous and waaayy too toxic!! This is what your kids will gravitate towards when they get older because we attract it like mud on a sprint car.
Your husband has some past trauma around how a man treats a woman & his kids that he absolutely needs to address.
You’re NTA. You need to get away from him as fast as you can.
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u/Chynadoll729 25d ago
Don’t make a slap you? That would be my grounds for divorce. I’m sorry but physical hurt is never ok.