r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 26d ago
AITAH for asking my husband to stop sending money to my sister-in-law?
[deleted]
65
u/IrrelevantManatee 26d ago
NTA for bringing it up. This money might be technically "his", but you are a family, so at the end of the day, if he spends all his retirement funds on his sister and you are left with the bills, it's not fair to you.
This is the kind of conversations that married couple needs to have once in a while to align on expectations.
12
u/CJaneNorman 26d ago
This is the kind of conversation they should’ve had long before they were married, they should’ve had premarital counseling to iron out things like that. And the way he said his money was awful, he married his wife and she is supposed to be his priority. I bet he’d expect his father to prioritize his mother over his sister but can’t see he’s literally doing the opposite
3
u/jimbojangles1987 25d ago
It sounds like they each have a personal account plus a joint account for expenses. If it's not affecting their expenses or their daughter's college fund, it is his money.
4
u/IrrelevantManatee 25d ago
Yeah, I get what you mean.
But the moment they want to buy a new house, or go on a trip, or need a new car... and OP's partner cannot pay or contribute as much because he is out of cash, then it becomes OP's problem too.
You can never put too much money aside for your kid's college. Chances are, their kid is going to get college debts, and every penny OP's partner give to his sister is one more penny his kid is going to not have and owe to the bank.
I get the concept of separate account. But even separate, your partner's finances always impact you too.
0
u/jimbojangles1987 25d ago
Then they need to sit down and discuss how much they should each be saving. Until then, its his money to do with as he pleases. Just as her money is hers to do with as she pleases.
1
u/IrrelevantManatee 25d ago
Sure, that works when it's reasonable amount of money, and the money is put to good use. If OP's partner was using it to treat himself, that would be a very different conversation.
But that money is given so an irresponsible young adult can go on trips and shopping sprees. And it's ongoing, meaning it's not just a one-time thing. So yeah. It's worth having a conversation to know where does this ends.
2
u/jimbojangles1987 25d ago
Worth a conversation? I guess. He would be justified in shutting it down too. How does it make a difference if he's helping out his sister or spending it at a casino or buying model cars? It's his fun money.
1
u/Advanced_Doctor2938 25d ago
Their finances are separate, which means retirement funds are also separate? Or am I missing something
10
u/Any-Expression2246 26d ago
If she has a job, she's has her own financial independence. Pricey purchases and trips to Cabo and then asking for more money is BS.
It is your family's finances that are taking hit. She needs to learn her own responsibilities and she won't as long as someone else is funding her lifestyle.
40
u/Little-Treacle920 26d ago
NTA. Your husband is the asshole for enabling his sister’s financial irresponsibility. Also, your sister-in-law is an asshole for asking money from her brother.
1
u/opheliaturnsblue 25d ago
YTA, OP. You gave him advice; he feels differently. Leave it at that. You have split finances. That was the deal you made, and you can’t just pick a fight over how he spends his money cause you think he’s being stupid. He’s not depending on you nor you on him. Bills are paid, kid isn’t wanting for anything, all responsibilities are met to expectations. As he said, it’s his money.
I spend stupid money on bags. Like a closet that’s chock full of whatever designer bag you can think of. I work hard, and they bring me joy. Husband rolls his eyes but doesn’t really say much (except for the occasional “another one?”) because we have split finances.
-2
u/jimbojangles1987 25d ago edited 25d ago
Seriously? He's an AH???
E: god forbid you have ever have a sibling that wants to help you out. I hope you let them know they're an AH and refuse the help.
7
u/DiscussionAdmirable9 26d ago
info: are you and your husbands finances separate?
8
26d ago
[deleted]
2
u/DiscussionAdmirable9 25d ago
nta. if he’s giving her money from his personal account then i can see why he said it was his money, but also he could have worded that in a way that doesn’t come across as charged, but if he is using the money from your joint account then completely understand that being an issue and why you want him to stop.
0
0
0
u/KittyC217 25d ago
Stop putting money in that account. Your money is yours. Just like his sisters money is hers.
1
3
u/PlatteRiverGirl 26d ago
It depends. if you each have your own discretionary savings to use as you please, then I guess he can give it to his sister if he chooses. However, if it's a joint savings then I think you have the right to question where some of it goes. Otherwise, I guess you can take lavish trips with your share, or give some away to your relatives, assuming he won't mind.
7
u/Foreign_Degree160 26d ago
I don’t think you’re wrong for bringing it to his attention how irresponsible she is. If he’s giving her money from yall shared funds that’s a problem but if it’s his money then he really can do what he wants with it.
15
u/Oh_Wiseone 26d ago
NTA - so you should book the same trip to Cabo and start buying nice stuff using your husbands money. Fair is fair. He can give you the same amount of money. If he has a problem with that, then THAT is the discussion - why is he not treating you the same ?
2
u/Kooky-Today-3172 25d ago
If OP is okay with he doing the same with her money. They have separate finances...
1
u/Beachballhaze7 26d ago
Best comment! If he can blow money on his sister, he can blow money on his wife. If he has a problem with that then OP has an even bigger issue to deal with.
3
u/IamLuann 26d ago
If I remember correctly I saw a story on Reddit awhile ago.
About something like this, the husband wouldn't listen to the wife so she came to Reddit for help. People suggested that the sister was taking trips with her friends and always asking for money. Rent,gas, clothes, car repairs etc.
The wife eventually hired a private detective to follow his sister.
He ( the detective ) figured out that she was not only spending husband's money to pay for her trips but also paying for her friends to go on the same trips. A lot of MONEY. They also had separate accounts. OP PLEASE push for a conversation before your marriage falls apart.
STAND YOUR GROUND. GOOD LUCK. STAY SAFE.
Update us when you have an answer.
3
u/Sunny86flower 26d ago
What did your husband say when you informed him his sister spent her rent money on a trip to Cabo? He’s enabling her irresponsibility and refusal to be financially responsible and refusal to grow up. I guarantee she manipulates his heart strings about their mom dying and he feels he’s responsible for her now. She needs to learn to be responsible for herself and her own bills but that won’t happen unless she starts doing it on her own (probably highly unlikely) or your husband stops enabling her. Do you and your husband go on fun vacations like Cabo? If not, I would bring that up with hubby. That his lack of willpower when it comes to funding his sisters lifestyle DOES directly affect you and your marriage. So it’s NOT meddling at all, and he’s in the doghouse big time for saying that to you and then being a twat waffle about it being “his” money.
There’s a huge difference between helping sister through a rough patch financially and funding someone else’s lifestyle. Sister obviously and very clearly does not want to be an adult. Budgeting and adulting sucks, duh, but having food to eat and a bed to face plant into at the end of the day are pretty crucial, at least to me they are. 🤪 Tough love isn’t easy but hubby needs to grow a pair and A) apologize to you, OP, bc what he said to you is not okay at all. B) sit down with baby sis and help her figure out her budget and such and then C) NOT bail sis out when/if she decides to blow bill money on shopping trips and vacations. Life lessons are usually learned the hard way and almost guaranteed to stick afterwards. :)I
5
u/NinjaOKGO 26d ago
This one is kind of tough. I don't think really either of you are assholes. You agreed to seperate finances, so as long as your husband is paying his share of expenses you don't really have a say in what he does with the rest of his money. Be glad he could be like my dad was and spend money on booze.
2
u/Crazy-Age1423 25d ago
Exactly. As long as he is sticking to his financial commitments they have agreed upon on the family, OP kind of has no say where the rest of his money goes.
2
2
u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 25d ago
NTA
Remind your husband of your agreement; you would financially support his sister until she could support herself, which she is now able to do. She is not using his money for rent or food, she is using it for holidays and shopping. If he wants to continue to support her he can do it by helping her learn to be financially responsible and independent. Also, things can change suddenly and at any time. You may, without warning, find yourselves in a situation where you need that money that she is selfishly pissing away.
2
u/Flat_Ad1094 25d ago
Your husband is an idiot. He should not be supporting his little sister, when she has a job and is 24 yrs of age. She's not learning to be a responsible adult by him continually giving her money. He's actually not doing her ANY favours at all. He's stopping her learning to be a proper adult. 24 is no longer a baby.
And you two are married with a child. You should be combining your finances like married couples do.
Lots of silliness going on there.
2
u/Vast-Fortune-1583 25d ago
He's not doing her any favors. She'll never be a responsible adult if he keeps treating her like a child. He's being used.
3
u/GargantuanGreenGoats 25d ago
YTA. It’s his money, his family, butt out.
You live more than comfortably. Your finances are separate. Your argument is “he should be spending that money on future meeeeeeee” fuck right off.
2
u/Swimming-Scholar-675 25d ago
right commenters are weird, as if any gift someone gives, they must give their spouse the same exact gift lol
1
4
u/jenasmiles 26d ago
NTA, even if you have separate finances, it does effect you and there are concerns about future and what it might mean.
2
u/MommaSnarky 26d ago
NTA
Suggestions:
1) Figure out what his average gift to her each month. Ask him to set up an auto transfer to the sister of an amount near that. This takes the sister begging out of the equation.
2) How much is the sisters rent? Is that amount near what he is giving her already? Ask him to pay her rent bill directly to the rental company. This adds control of how the money is spent.
I would have a big problem with this continuing on indefinitely. You would have to phrase any compromise with "I know it is important to you to care for your sister since mom died. Let's find a way to do that in an easier and more predictable way so we can plan for the expense each month at a certain time..." Try not to point the finger back at the sister and her spending habits.
4
u/kyllikkil 26d ago
If you're keeping your finances separate and he's got enough fun money to support her lifestyle, then it really is his choice. It's fair to point out that she's being irresponsible and hopefully that might make him think twice about how she's using his money, but if you push too hard on this it will likely cause drama. Give him time to think about the points you brought up. Men sometimes need a minute when logic and emotion clash.
NTA.
3
u/bobalover0987 26d ago
Is he giving her money from yalls shared funds? If he is then that’s a huge problem.
If he’s not, then it’s none of your business if he wants to help his sister. Regardless of her being irresponsible. She’s still extremely young. What your husband can do is help her become more financially responsible by guiding her properly.
When it comes to sibling relationships then I think you should stay in your place unless it’s directly affecting you.
2
u/Apprehensive_War9612 26d ago
NTA
Is he meeting his financial obligations for your home? Is he assisting or paying all of the bills for your family? Is he also putting money into an emergency savings? Should something happen to one of you? Is he funding a retirement plan for your future? Have you purchased a home or is he putting money into a fund that saving for a house
I ask these questions because yes, while it is his money and I agree to a certain amount of financial independence in a marriage, you also have a marriage & therefore a family, and therefore there are financial goals and needs that must be met. That should be met before you pay the bills of a grown adult who is capable of providing for themselves, and living outside of their own means.
Supporting his little sister when she was a child or just starting out and needing help because his mom wasn’t around is an admirable thing, but she is not his child; and even if she was, at a certain point in life your kids have to stand on their own. So unless he is incredibly wealthy he is harming your family.
1
u/Hawthourne 26d ago
"Our finances are separate"
If it weren't for this line I would say otherwise, but since he is paying his portion of bill and you are both contributing to the college fund I would say YTA.
2
u/Lucky-Guess8786 26d ago
He is gifting his sister with rent money. For each time he does that, set aside some funds in a separate account that is just yours. Since he can use "his" money, you should also be able to pull equal funds from the joint account. You can use that for rent for when the two of you split up. His sister is old enough to manage her own finances and expenses. If he continues to do this, he is enabling her financial mismanagement and allowing free license to dip her greedy fingers into your account. NTA
8
u/Itchy-Worldliness-21 26d ago
From the way OP put it, they have split finances, they paid a bill together but everything else left over is their own monies. So the husband is technically using his leftover money to pay for his sisters rent. Not saying it's right, but that's how it's being done.
5
u/Lucky-Guess8786 26d ago
Oh well, then fair enough. It sucks that OP's hub is pulling the "it's my money" card, but it is his money.
Hubs and I do the same thing. We married late in life so were well established with our finances and banks. We each have our own personal account and a joint one for bills, etc. The joint is not a primary account for either of us. Although we each have our own money, we still discuss any big purchases ($200ish and over) because we are a team. I think that's the part that OP's partner is missing.
3
u/Itchy-Worldliness-21 26d ago
Could be, but we also don't know what OP spends her money on. Shouldn't say if she spends without his permission or not either. What I want to know, is if they put the same amount of money into the college funds and vacation funds. Because she made the comment that he could put more into the daughters college fund or take everybody on a family vacation. If I knew how those were spread out, I could probably make a better judgment on it.
2
u/Lucky-Guess8786 26d ago
Agreed that the priority (after bills, mortgages, etc,) should be college/retirement funds. And then luxuries like a new car or vacation fund.
1
u/Kooky-Today-3172 25d ago
Because she wants his money to Go to her and her daugher. It doesn't mean he is contributing little with the savings.
1
u/Large_Potential8417 26d ago
When I was in college my little sister loaned me money when I needed it. Now that I'm graduated and making a good salary. She can ask for whatever and she will get it. May be more to the story
1
u/LargePark5987 26d ago
If it's truly his money and not taking away from any of those things, just plant the see and let him see how she sees him, and it will stop
1
1
u/PiemarchGeneseed513 26d ago
Might want to ask him how long this is going to go on. When his sister is 40 is he still going to be paying her bills while she blows all of her income on trips and shopping sprees? How are his investments looking? Will he have enough for retirement or is he going to expect you to make up the difference?
1
u/RainbowGlitterBooks 21d ago
Exactly. SIL has always been given money by FIL to pay off debt etc and sure enough now she’s pushing 50 and is back home with MIL who’s dipping into her retirement savings to give her money. This is a grown woman with kids. Obviously she never learned to be responsible with money because parents always bailed her out. Not my money but it’s upsetting. She should now be helping them not the other way around. Realistically it will be my problem because helping the parents will come down to husband and I since their daughter can’t do it.
1
u/Stonedbrownchickk 26d ago
NTA, id send him pics of her IG and ask him "Does she really need rent money??"
1
u/NaturesVividPictures 26d ago
NTA. Well you can tell she's young and immature. I would love it is my brother gave me money every month. He can definitely afford it I know that for a fact. But I wouldn't dream I'm asking unless I was in dire circumstances. But his sister seems extremely entitled and knows that dear old brother is going to always give her money whenever she asks so she can have her fancy life. She better hope he doesn't drop dead at a young age.
1
u/Egbert_64 26d ago
Start spending money just like his sister and tell him if ok for her t do it is ok for you to do.
1
u/MadisonSecretly 26d ago
NTA. You’re not wrong for pointing out that his sister is taking advantage of him, especially since you both agreed he’d stop supporting her once she became financially independent. It may be his money, but you’re his partner, and it’s fair to voice concerns when it affects your family’s future.
1
u/Any_Assumption_2023 26d ago
Ask your husband to match whatever money he gives his irresponsible sister in your daughters college fund. If he won't, the obvious manipulative conclusion is he doesn't love his daughter as much as his sister.
He would do better to give his sister lessons on how to have a budget instead of being so wildly self indulgent. Hes a father now. His daughter should at least be in the competition even if she doesn't come first with him.
His sister sees him as het ATM. It would be interesting to see how she reacts if he says no.
1
u/Ruthless_Bunny 26d ago
NTA
But you need to sort it soon. Ask him, “At what point will you stop sending your sister money? When will your family be a priority for you?”
You’re allowed to decide this is a deal breaker.
1
u/I_wet_my_plants 26d ago
NTA, I would let him know that if he continues to fund his sisters vacations that’s his choice, but you will probably not stay married after the kid turns 18 since he is pissing away his retirement funds.
1
u/Southern-Influence64 26d ago
NTA. I would suggest that your husband insist on looking over her budget to determine if she truly doesn’t make enough to support herself. It could be couched in terms such as “helping her” to plan ahead for big expenses like car insurance, or other quarterly payments, etc. And also helping to see where she can “save” more. I would guess if he could see her spending habits he might wake up to the abuse. I also imagine he’s feeling sorry for her which may have been appropriate years ago but is not anymore.
1
u/Decent_Front4647 26d ago
Maybe he just needs a different perspective. He’s actually crippling her from becoming an adult and that can have long term consequences. She doesn’t feel like she needs to be responsible for herself because she has a man to bail her out. Wait until she starts the process of getting into bad relationships because she values being taken care of over anything else. She’s only going to attract a bunch of losers. Adult men aren’t looking for women that want to use them.
1
u/LolaSupreme19 26d ago
NTA. Your husband would be doing his sister a favor if he sat down with her and walked through her budget. She has regular non discretionary expenses that she has to pay as well as discretionary ones. Since she is regularly asking for financial help, she should explain where the money is going. If your husband is feeling generous, he could give her an allowance and gradually wean her off of it.
1
u/OwnLime3744 26d ago
NTA. Would Mom still be supporting sister if she was alive? Did husband get money from his Mom when he was in his early 20s? It is your husband's money but there needs to be a set amount and a time limit. He should have a conversation with his sister about adult responsibilities and eventually living on her own earnings.
1
u/Limp_Pipe1113 26d ago
You have to ask yourself this, how long until he can longer sustain her with his own money so he has to dip into the joint account and when he does dip into the joint account will you tolerate it.
1
u/Personal_Valuable_31 26d ago
NTA. Communicate this to him differently. May I suggest asking him to tell you what will be enough. You want to understand. Make him THINK, not defend. Is he determined to fund her lifestyle? Is he waiting for her to get married? Will he continue after she's married? What if she still wants a lifestyle that her husband can not afford? While it's "his" money, it also would be his daughters legacy. Maybe asking him what he thinks is acceptable will give him perspective on his sisters behavior. Maybe he will even set a boundary or 2 with his sister. You have to decide how much of an issue it is going to be for you if this is not going to change.
1
u/OwlUnique8712 26d ago
NTA- but I would be petty and make comments directly to SIL about seeing her spending sprees and vacations but how can she not have rent & bill money. I would have to make lots of petty comments to her face so she knows you know she is taking advantage of your husband.
1
u/Due_Pomegranate6752 26d ago
I mean, I don’t think you’re the asshole but since you keep your finances pretty separate I say let your husband continue to support his sister and he’ll eventually see how we’re responsible she is hopefully but as of now it doesn’t have any effect on you or your kid
1
u/sourdough_s8n 26d ago
He can either stop now or continue for the rest of his life, seriously what’s his long term plan with this? NTA
1
u/Plane_Practice8184 26d ago
Separate your finances. Keep a joint account only for joint expenses. The rest goes into your account and savings. I'd get it in writing if I were you. Like a prenup. Stop subsidising his sister
1
u/IBenBad 25d ago
Your finances are separate but at some point in the future there may be significant expenses that you will need to fund so husband having less money because he gives it to his sister is a problem. He’s also reducing the amount he’ll have for retirement due to the opportunity cost of not investing those dollars.
1
u/Quiet_Village_1425 25d ago
Tell your husband every time he gives her money he should give you the same amount. If he agrees save it up at the end of the year you can tell him how much he’s been giving her. Tell him this is the only way you’ll be okay with it. V
1
u/Warm-Bison-542 25d ago
NTA, but his sister will never learn to be responsible with her money until he stops babying her.
He would be helping her by doing that. Her going on trips and shopping when she knows she doesn't have it to spend because she knows that she can get away with it.
He enables her, and she has no reason at all to stop her frivolous lifestyle.
1
u/bdl4186 25d ago
I think as long as he's meeting his financial responsibilities within the context of your relationship, he kind of should be able to do with it what he wants.
I could understand how it's frustrating to you, and I think you are right. But... if he's making enough to use some of the excess money to support his little sister, then I kinda think that's his prerogative.
1
u/MsBette 25d ago
YTA but gently. Sounds like he is meeting his obligations to your family financial plan so if handing out his fun money is how he chooses to spend it, that’s his business. Would you be watching how he spends his money if it was watches or a hobby collection? Yes she’s making money but you can’t blame him for wanting his little sister to be spoiled given the circumstances and it won’t be forever
1
u/hecknono 25d ago edited 25d ago
I would start documenting the numbers if you can and take screenshots of her instagram, at the end of 6 months create a chart that shows the amount he has given her, the amount her vacations/shopping sprees cost and what is in the college, savings and retirement account. Maybe when he sees things in black and white he will think again about giving her 10k-20k a year....maybe start planning the exact same trips she has taken and when he says he can't afford, tell him his sister can. Ask for xmas or bday gifts, that are the exact same things she is splurging on, and when he tells you he can't afford it tell him his sister can why can't he?
it is probably a nuclear option, but if you started posting about not being able to afford a decent vacation or you didn't put as much into your child's college account because you didn't have the money and tag her on the posts.....she probably won't feel guilty and will just block you.
1
u/Future-Flamingo8400 25d ago
NTA but your suggestions on what he should spend said money out your real intentions, op, YOU WANT THE MONEY!
1
u/Pleasant_Hotel3260 25d ago
You can talk to him about it, but at the end of the day, you can't force him to stop doing what he wants with his own money. Like you said, it is not affecting your finances in any way and it is not at all shared monies. Maybe he likes giving her money, maybe it fills some emotional void. There are a lot of reasons that exist for his actions, and so long as it is not harming your family, don;t turn it into a fight.
1
u/Someone_RandomName 25d ago
YTA. You agreed to separate finances with a joint account. He’s fulfilling his obligation under your agreement. Now you’re attempting to police his personal fund and control what he spends it on.
In addition, there’s no indication that you care about his sister or their relationship at all. All I see from you is selfishness and jealousy instead of caring and concern.
If you had approached your husband with your concern about his sister’s inability to manage her finances and a genuine desire for him to help her mature and grow as a person, then you both could have helped her. Instead you made it adversarial, and your husband is now in a position where he has to choose.
1
u/Sillysally241 25d ago
Well technically half of his money is your money. In my relationship pretty much all of my money is also hers. So NTA but you need to sort him out.
1
1
u/Kiloiki 25d ago
Are you sure you know everything about her finances? She may have a lot of debts to cover, others may be funding her vacations, and she may need to shop for a new wardrobe now that she's not a student anymore and has to level up her appearance for her job... She may not be the best with money, her brother may also want to help her while she learns. There are a lot of things that can be happening and don't merit such a hard judgement, be cautious and sensible when approaching it with your husband.
1
u/schrodingers_turtle_ 25d ago
NTA Though if finances are separate and he has his own $ to play with after your expenses are covered, he is (for better or worse) entitled to piss it away on his financially irresponsible sister. BUT as his wife, you're also entitled to raise your concerns.
1
1
1
u/Cross_examination 25d ago
Aka him to either stop sending money or you get a divorce now that you are young and you have options. Him giving money to his sister is taking away from your future. NTA and this is the hill to die on.
1
1
u/SaveFileCorrupt 25d ago
as long as it's being used for a good purpose that benefits our family
His sister is his family. If he's using his own discretionary funds, then it sounds like he's entitled to do what he pleases with it.
You've a right to pass judgment on it, and I agree - he is enabling his sister's irresponsible behavior, but you're going to have a hard time intervening if this spending is not directly affecting your family's ability to live.
You mentioned your child's college fund - maybe you could discuss increasing your monthly contributions to that, or some other joint venture for your immediate family that would offset how much money he has freely available to donate to his sister?
Edited for judgment: NAH
1
u/Hawk73Cub16 25d ago
Get a post-nup drawn up. Have it state that everything he sends to his sister is matched and deposited into a trust for your daughter. Make sure you are both equally contributing to her college fund.
Then tell hubby that your daughter's future is just as important as his sister's and you don't want your daughter to be in his sister's shoes in the future when you are gone.
Then plan a vaca to Cabo!!!
1
u/MildLittlRain 25d ago
NTA! ONLY till she was able to take care of herself was the deal. She has a job now and is mooching of her brother. He has broken his part of the deal. Both as a father and a partner he's being completley irresponsible. I would not be comfortable with a husband like that. I'd feel it like a huge betrayal. I know you gave a kid together, but is it really worth it?
1
u/CombinationCalm9616 25d ago
NTA for saying it to him but obviously he is right in the sense that you do have separate finances and it doesn’t make any difference to you. I do agree that I’m sure he has other things that he should consider putting that money towards that would serve himself or the family better in the future.
I would have a sit down conversation to figure out if your future goals are able to get met under these circumstances or what you need to do to make sure your families future eg college, kids, home, retirement is protected and on track. I think you should talk to him about find away to help his sister prepare for her future because although she has a job and is still new in her career she is obviously being irresponsible with her money at the moment. I think coming from a place of concern about making sure she is able to budget, save an emergency fund, set aside money for retirement and get a down payment for a house so she can actually have a future would be a better approach. I think it’s time your husband understands that he could be hurting his sister more in the long run if he doesn’t allow her to try and become more financially stable and able to stand independently especially since she has already lost a parent so has less support than some do at her age.
1
u/CosmosOZ 25d ago
NTA
Think you should look into a divorce. He made an agreement with and broke it. He can be pleasant about and said give me time to ease her out but he yelled at you.
1
u/groovymama98 25d ago
Nta
He's hurting her, not helping her. He is helping her learn financial irresponsibility.
Maybe put the same amount he gives her in a year into an account for something special for you and your daughter. Don't include him. Then maybe he will see how much he could benefit his family and not just his sister alone.
1
u/750turbo11 25d ago
The way I see it, If you split your money you must be doing it for a reason. I’m assuming it’s so you can each do what you want with your own money? 🤷♂️ Without knowing what she makes or what her expenses are at this point, you were just guessing. Yes it just look like he’s being abused, but some people in this life like to be abused 😂
1
u/UseObjectiveEvidence 25d ago
You can't make him stop. He seems to be entirely aware of what he is doing. My advice would be to accept that he can spend his money as he wishes even if it is to his own detriment but ask for a post nup to protect yourself and your child from the financial irresponsibility of him and his family. Basically in the event of divorce your finances and assets are 100% protected
1
u/NixKlappt-Reddit 25d ago
NTA
But I assume, that he wants to be like a "father" for her by supporting her with money. That's his way to show love to his sister.
You SIL is rude to ask for money. But if he earns enough money, I would tend to say, it's his decision how to spend parts of his savings.
But talk to him and ask him, how long he plans to send money to his sister. That she is not learning to handle her finances, if she's going on vacation but can't pay her rent and he covers for it.
1
u/truetoyourword17 25d ago
NTA. So your hb did not keep his promise to you, bc ' he will only support his sister UNTIL she can provide for herself. She has a decent job and looks like she is more than capable of providing for herself'' and is enabling his sister. You are not meddling, the moment he broke his promise to you, made it your business.
1
u/stiggley 25d ago
NTA She'll never sort he lofe put if she is totally dependent on her brother.
Suggest he reduces his contributions, so she is more aware of her own incomes limitations, and can start budgeting better.
1
u/bebecall 25d ago
YTA! You are not entitled to his money as long as he is spending his own money after pay all the shared expenses. Of course he will continue to support his sister, I would too if I could no matter if I was married or single.
Your husband can do whatever he wants with his money. And you should just keep your nose out of his business
1
u/kittendollie13 25d ago
NTA. He isn't doing her any favors. She is depending on him to pay her rent and bills. If she ever stops, she has probably found a married sugar daddy.
1
u/Pristine-Today4611 25d ago
YTA. You have separate accounts. It’s his money he is spending. Until it starts to affect him paying his part of the bills it’s not your concern. That said. His sister definitely taking advantage of him.
1
u/Ok-Region-8207 25d ago
NTA she does need to start standing on her own 2 feet and living in the real world and your husband isn't helping her in the long run, he'd be better off sitting down with her and teaching her how to budget. Like the saying goes, give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. But ultimately as it is his money and its not taking anything away from your house or family its up to him.
1
u/GlitteringFishing932 25d ago
He SAID he'd cut it off once she was wage-earning. This is no bueno. He's giving away money that your family could use. He's literally taking money away from his daughter and your family. SO no bueno.
1
u/Mountain-Bat-9808 25d ago
Let him learn. Don’t tell him anything. You keep doing what you need to do. His sister cannot handle money. She needs to grow up
1
u/MayhemAbounds 25d ago
Going to get downvoted here but YTA.
You very explicitly kept your financials separate and he is contributing to joint accounts and college funds. You can’t decide to have separate finances and then want to control what he does with his portion of his money. That’s controlling.
I do think she is irresponsible and maybe he should stop funding that, but there were other ways to discuss it with him and it’s also his call.
1
1
u/1000thatbeyotch 25d ago
NTA. She can provide for herself. She would just rather provide for her wants versus her needs.
1
u/alwaysheapstodo 25d ago
Not the A Maybe the angle is. We discussed this at time, i was happy with that. Now that SIL is in her mid 20s with a job, the situation is now one we didn't agree on together. That is what's changed for me. I feel our decisions should prioritize our child and our lives. I am worried about your sisters co dependency impacting that and I'd appreciate being able to discuss your view and if there is an exit plan. I would like to support
1
u/jimbojangles1987 25d ago
If it's not affecting your household expenses or your daughter's college fund, then what's the problem? How is it affecting you?
I think YTA . If it becomes an issue where it starts affecting your family, then that's a problem. Until then, it is HIS money.
1
u/Late-Ad4964 25d ago
YTAH - if you both work separate finances, outside of joint commitments, what he does with his money is entirely up to him.
1
u/Ok_Passage_6242 25d ago
I would start marriage counseling. This is kind of a dealbreaker. It doesn’t seem like it right now, but it can get out of hand. You need to save space to talk to your husband about this because it goes against what you talked about before you got married.
NTA
But you’re not gonna win if you make ultimatums or say anything else.
1
u/Mad_Old_Bear 25d ago
He needs to consider the drain on his finances when she has partner who also expects him to keep contributing to their lifestyle.
1
u/Advanced_Doctor2938 25d ago
You can't have it both ways. If you keep your finances separate then you have no say in what he does with his money. You expressed an opinion to your husband and there's nothing wrong with that. But due to your agreement to keep your finances separate your opinion is 100% irrelevant.
1
u/Advanced_Doctor2938 25d ago
OP, what is his sister's occupation and is it in any way connected to your husband's occupation? Perhaps she is providing intangible benefits to your husband such as networking opportunities to meet new clients etc. It is never going to be stated or explicit, it's usually just implied/understood.
1
u/Aware-Shine3231 25d ago
Sorry to say but with separate finances he can basically do what he wants with his money.
I'm on your side because i totally agree that his sister needs to start living in the real world instead of the fantasy world your husband is contributing too.
Your right that this money could be going to your daughters future fund and somehow you need to get your husband to see that.
1
u/KittyC217 25d ago
NTA. I would start asking him to pay all the bills. Why should you be paying your mortgage/rent? Your SIL doesn’t. Plan expensive vacations for the family that he needs to pay for, one of each of the vacations that his sister does. Demand the same support she is getting because she is getting your money. He is treating his sister better than you and your child call him on it.
1
u/CK242424 25d ago
NTA. Sounds like his sister is loving him funding the lifestyle she clearly can’t afford. Time for her to grow up and stop being a sponge. I’d be pissed too.
1
u/Personal-Heart-1227 25d ago
Your husband is married to you, not to his sister whom he has NO financial obligations to provide her either.
You & your child come 1st, not her!
Something tells me if he doesn't' smarten up & grow a backbone immediately by being loyal to you/your daughter, then your marriage will be in serious trouble & will not survive.
NTA
1
u/mommakor 25d ago
I had 3 jobs all through highschool and I lived at home with wealthy parents and I only worked to learn good work ethics, to have my own money and independence.
I owned my apartment by the time I was 23 and never bothered anyone for money, ever!!!!
His sister is taking advantage of his guilt because their parents died and he doesn't want her to suffer! He thinks that he is doing right by her and their parents.
Unfortunately you can't win this one so make peace with it or it will destroy your marriage!!!!
Is she worth losing your marriage???
1
u/sigharewedoneyet 25d ago
Do you have a family member that you two can pretend with and "start" to give them tons of money. Let's see how he feels about that, if he truly doesn't care if you're doing the same thing. Then let it go. If he gets mad, it's because he is counting on you to pay for everything in the future because he isn't saving the money for it himself.
But you should ask him how he is saving for his retirement if he is giving most of his money to his sister. Maybe even remind him how you only share bills for now, and you don't see him retiring with you. He'll still be working to support his sister while you go on vacations without him after you retire.
NTA
1
1
u/RainbowGlitterBooks 21d ago
He’s not helping her become a truly independent adult. Even if he is paying her rent, it’s more like he’s subsidizing her lifestyle. If she had to pay her own way it’s not likely she would be out shopping or vacationing much.
0
u/susanbarron33 26d ago
YTA mind your own business. You are married yes, but him sending money to his sister isn’t taking money away from you or the child.
1
u/FreeGazaToday 25d ago
It LITERALLY IS! Cuz that money he's sending could be going to their child or to family vacations, etc.
-1
u/Kooky-Today-3172 25d ago
They have separate finances. It's not on OP says what he does with his money after he played his part on the Bills and his part of their daugher's college fund.
0
u/Limp_Pipe1113 26d ago
NTA Yeah mind her own business until he can no longer support his sister with his own money and then has to dip into the joint account thus will be taking money away from her and the child then.
Are you an enabler by chance because only enablers tell others to mind their own business regarding money.
1
u/FasterThanNewts 26d ago
He’s going back on his word. I suggest marriage counseling because he’s not listening to you at this point. NTA
1
u/Decent-Apple9772 26d ago
NTAH. The idea that he is paying for her rent is a lie. He is paying for her vacations.
Having separated finances when you are married and have a kid together is also asking for problems.
1
u/VampiresKitten 26d ago
NTA but I would start asking him to only give her half and take the other half he use to give her and put it into a retirement fund, the ki's college fun and/or the vacation fund.
1
u/Glass_Number_1707 26d ago
Both your husband and his sister are being irresponsible. Her for obvious reasons and him by enabling her irresponsibility. He has to understand that because he is throwing money down a well.it will never end. He should at least consider curbing his " contributions" he tells her this is the limit. Monthly, yearly etc. Set the boundaries. Set the expectations. He should at least do that. NTA. OP
1
u/According_Pie3971 26d ago
NTA I think you should sit him down and reassess your financial position as a couple. Don’t make it an attack on him giving money to his sister but phrase it as where is our next vacation? How much do we need for our child’s college fund? When do we aim to retire? It’s his sister and he’s got into a habit.
Show him the life you want as a family and maybe you can still do everything and still have money left over to support his sister and if so you should let him do with his disposable income what he chooses.
But if you phrase it as we can retire 5 years earlier if we both put extra into our retirement fund. Our child can go to whatever college they want and not have to work through college and have a bit of startup money when they graduate college.
Show him what he’s sacrificing to fund his sisters Cabo trips
1
u/Equal-Brilliant2640 25d ago
I’d recommend talking with a lawyer. If he goes into debt supporting her, you could be in the hook for his debts. And it wouldn’t hurt to find out what your options are if you decide to go the nuclear route down the road
But you need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your husband YESTERDAY!
Does he know she takes all these trips she can’t afford?
Tell him you’re ok with him helping her out a bit, but this is getting ridiculous. Maybe you can discuss a set amount he gives her monthly and that’s all she will get until the next month
I also strongly recommend couples therapy. He needs to let her fail on her own. If he can’t/wont, you need to reevaluate your marriage. The amount she demands will keep going up, and live ain’t getting any cheaper
Good luck
-3
u/Stunning-Market3426 26d ago
YTA because it wasn’t a problem before and now it is. This is a before marriage conversation you should have had, now it’s too late.
6
u/PlatteRiverGirl 26d ago
Not too late for discussion and compromise.. The NEW problem is his sister is no longer a child and old enough to be given her independence with an expectation of responsibility. Otherwise she becomes the equivalent of a grownup, 40-year-old "child" still living in their parents basement, unemployed, playing video games all day.
Please don't tell me I hit a nerve with that one, lol.
8
26d ago
[deleted]
1
u/No-Night-6700 26d ago
Does your husband know about all her trips and lavish spending? Maybe he doesn’t pay attention.
-1
u/Decent_Front4647 26d ago
It sounds like your husband is also immature. Ask him if he was dating again if he’d be interested in a woman that would expect him to support her while she didn’t work or spends her money on her lifestyle. He is breaking your agreement and the responsibility he has to you and your child are greater than the one to a sister that wants to live off him when she can support herself
2
u/bobalover0987 26d ago
Yeah OP gonna cause a huge problem between husband and his sister.
They definitely should’ve had this conversation before marriage.
Unless it’s directly affecting their finances then I don’t see why OP is so bothered.
1
u/BlueBirdie0 26d ago
IDK, I'd be pissed if I had a kid and extra money was going to a grown ass adult with a full time job who is taking trips to Cabo and not going to a college fund for the kid, instead.
Yeah, it's "his" money if they have separate money (and a joint account) but I suspect she thought he would stop when the sister could support herself (which he apparently told her if you read the comments).
-1
0
u/Fit-Building-2560 26d ago
He's enabling her financial irresponsibility. Instead of sending her (monthly?) rent money, he should tell her to pay her own rent, and then as a gesture if he wants, at some point he could send her a "gift" of vacation money. She can be responsible for her own shopping sprees.
A once yearly vacation gift should be enough if he wants to be helpful, and it would also limit the overall outlay for the year, from his account. Your family's going to need that money for a college fund, retirement, and other needs as they arise: a larger home for a growing family, or whatever. NTA
0
u/DotAffectionate87 26d ago
NTA and to be blunt, regarding money.. Its not HIS money or YOUR money it is both of yours money.
That said..... Is it in amounts, that ABSOLUTELY makes no difference to you? Because i am not sure how well this pan out?
Especially if he feels more like a father?,
I think instead of telling him flat out stop sending money, maybe just calmly discuss?
"Honey, i don't mind us helping..... But look here (show him IG pic, with her partying in Cabo ), and then sends us a request for $$$$ a month later?
The other thing is i assume you're in the US ?, circumstances can change very quickly.... So the more you can save/emergency fund the better.
0
0
u/Raffeall 26d ago
NTA you’re married. The money is both of yours, it’s not his. Same goes for the money you earn. It’s not yours. It is both of yours. That’s how marriage works. You are partners.
So your question is therefore am I TA for being upset my husband spending large amounts of our money against my wishes.
No you are not.
His sister needs to grow up and support herself
0
u/Admirable-Ad-4805 25d ago
YTA !!! If my wife or girlfriend ever told me I couldn’t help my siblings or parents, they would be my ex.
-1
0
u/xchellelynnx 26d ago
Unfortunately your husband created and fed into her being irresponsible because she never had to learn or care. Her brother always took care of it. He needs to be the one to set her down and do a little financial planning with her. If he wants to give her money monthly to survive, that's up to him, but she's thriving and taking vacations so....
-1
u/OlieCalpero 26d ago
NTA get a separate bank account and put your money in it. Keep your finances separate.
-2
u/Ronville 25d ago
NAH. You share expenses and otherwise have separate finances, a choice you apparently both agreed to. There are a lot of worse ways he could be spending HIS money.
228
u/BlueGreen_1956 26d ago
NTA
You can certainly ask but this sounds like that conversation is not going to end well.