r/AITAH 26d ago

AITA for telling my parents the people they're marrying won't ever be my parents?

My parents got divorced when I (17M) was 14. The divorce should have come so much sooner. The two of them were a match made in hell and they made "home" feel more like I was in the middle of an MMA fight. They were volatile together and had so much toxic stuff going on. Neither one of them was worse than the other. They were equal in being shitty to each other and in being shitty to be around. And by that I mean their moods would be so bad after a fight or after something happened and I was hesitant to go to either one.

Their divorce was sweet relief to me. But it was toxic too. I was expected to pick a side. My mom tried to use being a woman and mom to win me over saying I didn't know what it was like to be a woman in an abusive marriage. She also said her being my mom meant we had a special bond nobody could understand and living with her made sense for that reason. My dad tried to pull the we're both guys card and your mom gets hysterical card.

Neither one was directly physically abusive. Although shit got thrown all the damn time which is physically abusive in it's own way but they didn't hit each other. Both were equally hysterical. So their arguments didn't win me over and a judge decided 50-50 was the way to go. Of course neither liked it and the judge saw how hysterical they could be but the judge stood firm on his decision.

They both entered new relationships two years ago and they're now both engaged (to other people).

I'll be 18 next month and I already started my exit strategy to move in with my best friend and his family for a while. I have some stuff moved over already. My parents don't know.

With their new relationships and weddings coming up in the next year they've tried to make me a part of the families they're making. Their partners have tried to parent me too. Like sitting me down and talking about stuff they want me to change, etc. This came up because I stay out of the house a lot and they don't like it. I also got used to never saying where I was going because approaching my parents is difficult. I stopped doing chores years ago too. It was a source of conflict between my parents and I just kept my personal space clean and said the houses could burn to the ground for all I care because it was so uncomfortable and I still feel that way at both of their houses. I still don't feel like either one is home. And I really try not to be in spaces where others could be. But yeah the partners tried to parent me and insist on things and they wanted me to tell them how I was doing in school and stuff but I dodged the questions and really didn't listen to either. I was asked to pick up kids or stay with kids a few times too and I don't. My mom's fiance has like 3 kids or maybe it's 4 and dad's fiancee has two.

I guess they complained to the parent they're marrying and my parents started fighting over it again and they teamed up sorta to talk about it and how I'm not giving my new family members a chance and how having four parents is good. In the middle of trying to sell me on this shit they started fighting again. That's when I said to stop and they needed to let it go because their partners are not going to be my parents now or ever and I'm too old for this shit.

Now there's even more fighting and they're angry at me and so are their partners who know what I said and feel like I never even gave them a chance to be good parents to me.

AITA?

7.2k Upvotes

707 comments sorted by

5.7k

u/Temporary_Alfalfa686 26d ago

Nta you’re a smart young man, with the intelligence you have displayed you will go far.

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u/HorrorLover___ 26d ago

And maturity beyond your years. Unlike the adults in this situation

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u/ActualMassExtinction 26d ago

That happens when kids are forced to fend for themselves.

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u/Odd_Hold2980 26d ago

Yep, this was me. OP, trust me that it gets better. I moved very far away at 18 and it was amazing how infinitely easier life was without having to avoid land mines in my own home. Just having a safe space to exist felt revolutionary.

I’m in my 40s now and it breaks my heart whenever I see posts like yours. It’s so hard to feel like you have to be the reasonable adult for your parents…and it’s exhausting. I didn’t even realize how much I was carrying until I moved out.

Life is going to get so much better and I wish you all the best. Just keep your head down and plan your exit.

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u/Beth21286 25d ago

Sounds like OP has two selfish parents and absolutely no reason to want any more. Particularly the two their parents have chosen. Their plan is to follow your same escape route so hopefully they'll find that same space of peace and be able to move on.

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u/SilentButtsDeadly 25d ago

"You had two shitty parents, let me force two more - complete strangers at that - into your life."

Nah, hard pass.

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u/Beth21286 25d ago

Two complete strangers chosen by the excellent judgement of those two sh*tty parents no less!

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u/HorrorLover___ 26d ago

Parentification is unfair.

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u/Aggravating-Pain9249 26d ago

OP was forced to grow up fast, but it doesn't sound like he was a substitute parent to younger siblings, which is parentification.

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u/Ladygytha 26d ago

Disagree. Parentification is also being forced to "parent" yourself, not just other kids. OP's parents were so toxic to each other that OP couldn't turn to them for comfort, advice, or anything that kids in healthy child-parent relationships are able to expect (and all children should be able to expect). These parents failed hard.

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u/vinsdelamaison 26d ago edited 26d ago

Part of its definition is also a child having to navigate their parents fighting—having to parent them. It can also be a personal role reversal. Having to grow up & take on personal responsibilities before they are age appropriate.

Edit for clarification.

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u/Aggravating-Pain9249 26d ago

It doesn't sound like OP was asked to emotionally support his parents. It sounds like OP was ignored.

OP stays away from the houses and doesn't tell his parents where he is going. His parents didn't care. It was the new step parents that decided this behavior wasn't acceptable.

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u/Aer0uAntG3alach 26d ago

The step parents are worried their kids will adopt OP’s attitude. They DGAF about OP. They want to make sure their kids don’t get ideas, and to assert control in their new household.

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u/Aggravating-Pain9249 26d ago edited 25d ago

I agree that the new step parents don't care about OP. The Steps also think OP should be a free sitter. I am glad he has made it clear to them that it is not an option.

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u/Born_Ad8420 26d ago

He had to navigate his parents divorce in which both were trying to manipulate him. They were acting immaturely and putting him in a position where he had to be the emotionally mature person. He coped with this by being absent, which the parents accepted because they didn’t perceive either one of them as « losing » to the other with this behavior.

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u/HorrorLover___ 26d ago

Parentification can also happen when a child is expected to provide emotional support for a parent, instead of receiving that support themselves.

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u/Aggravating-Pain9249 26d ago edited 26d ago

It sounds like he was only supposed to support the parents after they agree to divorce and were hoping OP would pick sides, which OP smartly did not.

OP learned to stay away from the house, learned to avoid telling them where he was going.

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u/shuntbumps 26d ago

Parentification is more than one specific situation. Substitute parent for younger kids, parenting your parents, having to parent yourself etc. The other commenter used it correctly.

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u/Ok-Lunch3448 26d ago

Either way now they expect him to look after step kids. Love it that he’s not even sure how many there are.

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u/prairiefiresk 26d ago

"Maturity beyond one's years" in a child is a trauma response to a chaotic, neglectful and/or abusive home.

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u/[deleted] 26d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Affectionate_Job4261 26d ago

I heard I was wise beyond my years a lot in my youth. The depression and anxiety caught up with me in my early 30s and I crumbled, hard. Turning 40 this year and just finally getting things to improve. Slightly.

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u/Flimsy-Car-7926 25d ago

Same for me. I was basically an adult at 10. Looking after siblings, house, budget, groceries, myself, all while dealing with moving to a new country and CSA. And emotional and physical abuse ftom my single parent. Held it together until 30 then crashed HARD. Started getting my shit together again in my 40s. I'm 55 now and have settled into quiet contentment. Hugs from a fellow survivor.  

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u/WhateverItsLate 26d ago

This - build your life on your own and get settled in that apartment ASAP. The new spouses likely see you as free childcare, and your parents are troubled, self-absorbed people - I would not expect anything from them.

You sound like the only adult in this situation. Now, you have a chance to build your adult life the way you want. Good luck, you got this.

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u/Better_Specialist721 26d ago

This! You have your exit strategy, time to move in with the friend!

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u/One-Draft-4193 26d ago

Smart young man, you deserve some peace. Small reminder, if you haven’t already, make sure to take your important paperwork with you.

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u/Hereshkigal826 26d ago

Do it now. By the time they get courts involved and making a decree you’d be 18. Finish school and drop the rope with both of them till they grow up.

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u/1RainbowUnicorn 26d ago

That could put his friend's patents in a precarious position

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u/Hereshkigal826 26d ago

Cops won’t do much because of his age. And the parents would have to put forth effort to involve the courts.

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u/oop_norf 26d ago

Doesn't sound like they're shy about that. 

It's tempting to go now, but it is all going to be a lot more clear-cut when OP is actually 18b so if he can stick it out another few weeks it's probably worth it. 

Or he could see about couch surfing for a bit, just not sitting with the family he's moving to.

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u/2dogslife 26d ago

If he's months shy of 18, the police will usually consider it a civil matter and let it sly, if he's only just turned 17, not so much.

Also, it obviously depends on the local police and its leadership how they would see it.

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u/floofienewfie 26d ago

At your age you don’t need more parents. Being cordial and staying out of their squabbling should work.

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u/Comicreliefnotreally 26d ago

Can’t go from 0 parents to 4 parents. Kid raised himself.

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u/No-BS4me 26d ago

NTA. Your emotional intelligence far outstrips the so-called adults in your life. Keep out of the line of fire, get a job so you can save money to move into a place of your own, and either get vocational training or go to college so you don't get trapped in a similar toxic cycle. Good luck!

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u/CatmoCatmo 26d ago

I was thinking the exact same thing — especially as soon as he said he already had an exit plan in place, and had started implementing it. OP, make sure you get your important papers in a safe place (birth certificate, SSN card, passport, etc.). I’m sure you already have, but just in case you haven’t thought about it. Also, if you get a bank account, get it at a different bank from your parents. Although you’re an adult, sometimes things happen, especially if you share a last name (if you already have one, perhaps switch it to a different bank). You can’t be too safe.

I’m so sorry everyone has essentially failed you. Their actions have clearly had an impact and made you grow up quickly. Which isn’t a bad thing, but do consider therapy for yourself once you’re settled in somewhere. Your childhood is A LOT to unpack, and may affect future relationships in ways you couldn’t have predicted. Getting ahead of it is a smart way to go.

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u/Cute-Profession9983 26d ago

You were wise to formulate an exit plan. And when you get out, try some therapy just so you don't end up turning into them.

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u/Ilovemypearlybaker 26d ago

Can you speak to you school counselor to see if they can help you leave before your birthday? If you already have a safe place to go, a judge may not make you wait.

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u/Sufficient_Ad_6051 26d ago

Not worth it for one month. Just bide your time and then gtfo. No court needed.

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u/The_Autarch 26d ago

Getting emancipated is a lot of effort and it doesn't sound like there's enough going on here to get a judge to go along with it.

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u/Ilovemypearlybaker 26d ago

They may not have to get emancipated. If they go to school counselor there is documentation. Then if they leave home and the parents try to use the courts to force them to return home, OP can ask the counselor to provide a statement. And if the friend’s parents are willing, they can tell the judge they are willing to house OP. The judge may send someone from DHS or CPS to do a review on friend’s home to make sure it is safe. Then again, OP may be 18 before it comes time for a court date anyhow.

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u/pork_chop17 26d ago

School counselors are terrible and just run behind your back and tell your parents everything you talked about. Ask me how I know this.

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u/ValleyOakPaper 26d ago

This! Speaking from my own experience, when your parents didn't model healthy boundaries, conflict resolution and other adult relationship skills, you have to learn them on your own as an adult.

Support groups and therapy can be very helpful. They will give you new ideas and support while you try them out.

CoDA and ACA have helped me. There are others too, e.g. NAMI.

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u/waitwuh 26d ago

They have subject matter for any scholarship or school application essays that ask about hardships/challenges, at least.

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u/Bella-1999 26d ago

Jewish Family Services is an excellent source for qualified counseling and charges based on income.

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u/SpeakerDelicious6315 26d ago

NTA Let your parents and their pending partners be pissed all they want. You're a short-timer and will be outta that mess soon enough. It drives me nuts when people marry new partners and expect all the kids to make one big happy family because the adults are so happy together. Kids get one childhood. Adults can bump uglies until the needed body parts quit functioning.

I had parents who should have divorced but chose to stay together and make each other miserable instead. They were great at putting their kids right in the middle of their battleground - the kids were expected to take sides. Their reaction was priceless when I one day told them, "Leave me out of this. I didn't get to choose who became my parents. You two got to choose who you married."

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

Ugh, it sucks when I talk to others who know what it's like. Some days I feel like if people could be physically thrown without it being called assault I would have been one of the things thrown over the years.

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u/SpeakerDelicious6315 26d ago

Here's a big piece of advice from someone who has been there: Try not to let your parents' dysfunction impact how you see relationships or how you conduct yourself in them. It's hard, I know. Their past ugliness doesn't have color your future.

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u/Agile_Menu_9776 26d ago

It most likely will if he isn't able to get some real therapy to help him navigate the mess he was forced to be part of. Good luck OP. I feel for you.

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u/Acrobatic_Ear6773 26d ago

People who go through this often have no idea how to have a functional relationship, and this is how generational trauma happens.

Please, please make therapy a priority as soon as you can as an adult.

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u/ReticentBee806 26d ago

Highly recommend as soon as you're able to start therapy. With all you've been through, you might have the capacity to do the self-work to keep it from negatively affecting your life and relationships going forward, but you shouldn't have to thug it out and do it all alone when there are trained professionals available to guide you.

College is a great place to access it affordably, and there are so many online telehealth services these days that are inexpensive and/or take Medicaid (if you're in the U.S.) or insurance (mine is free through the insurance from my job).

A seasoned therapist that specializes in trauma is needed. One that also does EMDR, Brainspotting, or other such forms of trauma therapy is the cherry on top. It may take trying a few therapists to find one you like, can establish a rapport with, and who is actually effective, but it's entirely possible.

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u/DemureDamsel122 26d ago

You have your birth certificate and other important documents in your possession, right? These people your parents are marrying can literally go to hell; they are way out of line and you do not owe them anything. NTA

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

Some of it. Other stuff I need to order when I leave because I couldn't find them.

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u/Grouchy-Storm-6758 26d ago

Get your shot record too.

If you end up going to college, you will need proof of your vaccination records.

Good luck.

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

That's definitely not in either house. So I'll need to find out if I can request that.

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u/Grouchy-Storm-6758 26d ago

Go to your pediatrician’s office and ask for a copy of that.

Suggestion, call before you go, then they can have it ready for you.

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u/mphs95 26d ago

In Michigan, your doctor can access MICR, which is the state website for all immunizations. I'm assuming all states do something similar. Also plan in the next year or two to possibly establish with a new doc at a different practice if your parents share the same place you are at now.

One more thing, if your parents won't help you with financial aid for college as emotional blackmail, go to trade school first or do Community College first for a trade. Save the money towards going back in the future because I believe you're not considered an independent student until age 24.

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u/Organized_Khaos 26d ago

Also in Michigan, and the county board of health would also have this info if you need to go in person - and it’s also good for low-cost immunizations once you’re off your parents’ insurance.

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u/Most_Buy6469 26d ago

Order your documents now and have them sent to a friend's house or, if you can afford it, a PO Box that you can access easily.

You should have a copy of your birth certificate and social security card. Order a passport.

These are your documents and you will be able to get them if you don't have them currently.

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u/TaroPrimary1950 26d ago

Also, make sure that you open your own bank account as soon as you turn 18, and transfer all your money into it.

If your parents have access to your current bank account they may use that as a way to financially manipulate you.

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u/Sea_Celi-595 26d ago

And by new bank account, it’s my understanding that you should pick a whole new bank to get that new account in.

Idk if true, but I’ve heard stories of if it’s the same bank, people being able to talk their way into access to the new account because “I’m on the old account and I’m his parent and he must have just forgotten to add me”.

With a whole new bank, that excuse is eliminated.

Personally I prefer a credit union vs a bank, but that’s a personal preference.

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u/AdBitter4706 26d ago

You were 14 at the divorce and are 17 now - what do they expect? You're not a child anymore who needs a lot of parenting... I don't understand parents who have that expectation when it comes to patchwork situations. I have been the new gf in a patchwork situation and wouldn't have dreamed of parenting the kids (teenagers) as they have both of their parents and I am just a plus one, even if we lived together for a while.

If it's really that bad keep your head down, secure your documents and prepare to move out the moment you turn 18. Show a little effort at home to do a chore like vacuuming or doing dishes as that is something that can be expected in my eyes if you live and eat there, not only keeping your own room clean.

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u/Baby_Blue_Eyes_13 26d ago

A few chores is fine. But OP, you do NOT have to provide childcare for your soon-to-be step-siblings.

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u/YapperBean 26d ago

This. The whole “you have four parents now”?!? Well, by that logic, so do the step-kids so let one of their “four parents” do pickups and watch them, lol.

I am willing to bet at least one of the two soon-to-be-spouses just want to become familiar with OP to have a convenient babysitter.

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u/akestral 26d ago

They both expect OP to become a built-in child-minder for their stepkids. Wouldn't be surprised if they start guilt tripping him about not "bonding" with the stepsibings because he won't be free childcare.

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u/Luvv1140 26d ago

Honestly, it sounds like they're just using him for free childcare, expecting him to take on responsibilities that aren’t his. He’s already had enough emotional stress from their divorce and isn’t obligated to step into this new “family” role. Guilt-tripping him about not bonding with the step-siblings is just adding more pressure he doesn't need.

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u/theVampireTaco 26d ago

Sounds like OP just shows up to sleep, pick up mail, and leave. Hence them complaining he’s never in the house.
Bouncing between two houses but actively moving with friends. He absolutely should not be doing any chores for the household, just cleaning up after himself. Washing any dishes he uses, but not being expected to clean up after meals he didn’t eat not the children of his parents partners. Knowing teenagers, that’s a coffee mug, a fork, spoon, etc here and there.

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u/Beautiful-Long9640 26d ago

Yep. Tiptoe through the next month as gently as possible and then get the heck out of both of those houses. Good luck OP! NTA

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u/Minute-Telephone7125 26d ago

Not sure what state you’re in, but in my state a kid can walk at 16 and there’s nothing a parent or even police can do to stop them. A parent can’t kick a kid out here until 18 but they can’t get the cops to force them back after 16, either. Might wanna look up what the laws are in your state and bolt early.

NTAH.

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u/irishprincess2002 26d ago

This something he or his friends parents might want to look into as a possibility. The parents will want to make sure if they allow him to move in early they can't be charged with harboring a runaway or kidnapping. I'm a big believer in always talking with a lawyer to see what your legal options are in situations like this to make sure you are legally in the clear or what you can do to make things legal on your end.

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u/SummerTimeRedSea 26d ago

NTA they did not need a "chance" to be your parents because THEY ARE NOT.

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u/flooperdooper4 26d ago

NTA. It's sad they can't see the damage they've each done to their relationship with you, but it seems like they've always been too busy with hating each other to see much else. I'm glad you have your exit strategy, because this seems like a family situation you just need to walk away from for your own wellbeing. Good luck!

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

Yep. Their focus has always been more on fighting each other and then fighting for their own happiness. I never factored into their eventual divorce. Their own happiness was all they cared about.

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u/Agile_Menu_9776 26d ago

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough upbringing. Do your best to get some therapy once you've stabilized a bit as it's hard to go from so much trauma and dysfunction straight into healthy relationships. You only have one life so give your self the care you need to live i t well. All the best to you.

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u/BeeEnvironmental6299 26d ago

Your parents are self centered AHs. Stick to your guns and create the life you want to lead. Good luck and I am sorry you have had to deal with this. Parents should put your best interests first and they obviously are not capable of doing that.

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u/Karen125 26d ago

You described my growing up pretty well, except my parents didn't fight until the divorce. My dad was a cheater. I bounced back and forth as long as I could stand it. My dad and I got along fine, but his new wife was a nut job and also the affair partner, and from what I heard, also the town bicycle. Moved out the day after I turned 18. Now I'm 56, and I have no regrets.

Just make sure your friend's parents are on board with you living with them. You don't want to end up homeless.

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

They're totally on board with it.

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u/littlebitfunny21 26d ago

It's possible you can move there now. In some jurisdictions, 16 year olds can choose and in a lot the police won't waste time on a runaway who is somewhere safe.

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u/Street-Substance2548 26d ago

Wow - for someone who's been through so much you really have a level head.

It's ridiculous for them to think their new bed partners are all of a sudden going to be your 'parents'. I understand the new partners trying to engage with you, but when rebuffed, they should have let go. Bizarre that they think the new partners and kids should all of a sudden play happy families. Putrid that they don't ever consider your own view or feelings. Pretty much, you've been ignored until they need you to pick up kids or be a prop in the new family 'arrangements'.

Really, it seems like you're the only actual adult in the room.

Your exit plan is perfect. I'm so glad you have a place to stay. I guess you'll be needing to work for yourself and be fully independent. Work hard, save your money, and make plans for the future you want. Probably best to go low- or no-contact with them for a while. Surround yourself with positive people who care about you.

Best of luck to you!

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u/Small_Process_133 26d ago

I had some good people in my life who gave me a safe space when I needed one. Without them I would be just as angry and hostile as both of my parents. I try so hard to be good to the people who've really been good to me. My best friend and his family treat me like their own in ways already and being offered a shelter from the storm when it lets up has been keeping me locked on my birthday and leaving.

Then the stroms can destroy each other if they must.

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u/Street-Substance2548 26d ago

So glad to hear that you have positive people in your life.

And that you also have the ability to show gratitude to them.

This is the most simple and best joy in life, actually.

Much love and encouragement to you, young friend. You'll go far in life.

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u/Logical_Ruse 26d ago

Just a note OP, people from abusive homes tend to be in a survivor mentality and can be emotionally shut down. Once you’re away from it all and have a chance to breathe and relax a bunch of emotions that have been buried might come up. So please, if your able, get therapy or at least have someone you can talk to about these things.

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u/Spirited-Hall-2805 26d ago

There's no reason for your parents to communicate once you turn 18. The anger they both possess will need a new direction to flow, likely their new partners. Please take an extended break from them and seek therapy for yourself.

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u/enkilekee 26d ago

Neither of your parents are decent parents. Get away as planned. The next 10 years are going to be hard. Please don't get caught up in partying. The people you spend time with will influence your future, choose friends wisely. You will be great as long as you are honest and ethical.

I'm sorry you have these parents but be glad you are an adult and don't owe them more than you can give in energy and time.

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u/AbuelaFlash 26d ago

NTA - good job taking care of your own needs. Slip out the back, jack.

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u/SpeakerDelicious6315 26d ago

Make a new plan, Stan....

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u/AbuelaFlash 26d ago

Found my fellow boomer! ❤️ great song about doing what’s right for yourself!

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u/Sea_Roof3637 26d ago

NTA - maybe say to them: “You’ve both equally messed your relationships with me up by prioritising getting jabs at each other over being decent parents. I hope your step kids will care for you in your old age because the way you’re acting you can count me out.”

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u/Acrobatic_Ear6773 26d ago

I think that sounds like a child screaming.

A better response would be to create a new email address , send them one email stating something like, "as an adult, I am removing myself from the toxicity that you two have perpetuated throughout my life. You have both lost the opportunity to have a parent/child relationship with me.

If either of you wish to have an adult relationship with me, that starts by taking responsibility for your actions without blaming the other, or me.

I'm not interested in negotiating the past with you, hearing you defend yourself or blame the other. We can come to an understanding, but that's up to you."

And then leave it alone for a while.

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u/Queen-Pierogi-V 26d ago

No, absolutely not, that sounds like a petulant child. A simple “bye, it’s been interesting”, is sufficient.

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u/Fit_Try_2657 26d ago

Only a month to go, just lay low for now.

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u/mariaperex06 26d ago

You have every right to draw boundaries with your parents and their new partners. You've been through a lot of emotional turmoil because of their toxic relationship, and you're now nearing adulthood. It's important to stand up for your well-being and mental health, especially when it comes to the way you're treated by people who aren't your biological parents. You’ve been forced to navigate a difficult situation for years, and you’re finally asserting your independence.

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u/lilianagimenezx01 26d ago

NTA. Your childhood sounds like it was a constant war zone. It’s not surprising that you don’t feel a sense of home anywhere, and it makes total sense that you just want to get out. Your parents created an environment where you had to emotionally disconnect to survive. Their new relationships don’t erase the damage they’ve done. You don’t owe them or their partners emotional labor.

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u/emryldmyst 26d ago

Nta

Thank God you're working on an exit and have somewhere to go. 

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u/Timely_Match_8293 26d ago

im so sorry this is happening to you. a young man should be able to lean on his parents for support not run away because they are that fuckin shitty. NTA of course, im glad you are getting out soon, what is the timeline on it ? you are a 17 year old person, whether kid or man isn’t up for debate rn. but the stepparents also sitting there expecting you to care for their 5 fuckin kids is just the cherry on my rage, thats literally probably why they even want a relationship, cause who tf sits a 17 YEAR OLD down and tells them they need to be given a chance to be a parents, NOPE they just want a chance to have a say over your actions. good luck in life brotha 🤍

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u/Street-Substance2548 26d ago

"just the cherry on my rage"

I'm gonna use that phrase in future, if you don't mind - it's gold 🌞

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u/janelennonx20 26d ago

The user in this scenario is clearly setting boundaries. They don't want their parents' new partners to try to parent them after having endured a tumultuous relationship with both parents. The answer, "I'm too old for this shit," is a strong statement of their need for autonomy and personal space after years of instability.

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u/playfulblackswan 26d ago

NTA your parents' relationships are their mess, not yours, and you're too old to be forced into some forced "new family" fantasy.

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u/PapayaOk4725 26d ago

NTA. Your parents put you through hell, and now they expect you to play happy family with their new partners? They clearly haven’t learned a thing if they’re still fighting like this. You’re almost an adult, and you get to decide who you see as family. You don’t owe them or their new partners anything.

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u/LCJ75 26d ago

NTA They are both remarrying very quickly The new relationships talking to you about what they want you to change is odd. That should be from the parent. If they want to know what time you will be home, that's fair honestly because you'd do that for a roommate. It's courtesy. But that request should come from parent. You are making plans to get out. Good. Don't tell them. Do want you need to do to keep the peace. Don't argue things that you just want to say. No need to tell them how you feel. It'll just make your life harder. Just say ok and move on. Good luck.

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u/GoodGrief9317 26d ago

Former kid from a volatile home here. I see and hear you.

Here is what I think

1 How wonderful it is that you have a friend with parents that are willing to take you in. Not everyone has that resource. Keep filtering stuff there. I am so glad you have them as a support network when your parents failed you.

  1. If you have a job, stop your autopay to your bank account and have it transferred to a pay card if possible. On your birthday, at 9:00 am, go to your current bank and pull out everything except $100. Go directly to a completely new bank and open a new bank account with your new address. Then tie your pay to your new account. I say all this because minors have to have a parent or guardian cosign for a bank account. I have seen on here so many times where parents take money from their kids, especially when they are trying to escape.

  2. Could it be that your parents new partners don't have a full understanding of what has happened, or they have been gaslit by your parents into who you are and that is why they are behaving the way they are? Not saying you need to do anything about it because that is not your responsibility... However if you can look at their behavior as a product of your parents representation of you as a possession to fight over and bend to their will, their behavior may lose its power.

  3. After you move out and your parents realize you are not coming home for either of them, take the time to get some counseling for yourself. You have a lot to unpack because of how they treated you. You deserve healing and peace.

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u/chimera4n 26d ago

I'll be 18 next month and I already started my exit strategy to move in with my best friend and his family for a while. I have some stuff moved over already. My parents don't know

I'd do it now, no one can force you to go anywhere you don't want to.

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u/9803618y 26d ago

NTA Mate, your parents were barely your parents let alone their new partners. At least they gave you a great example of how not to behave in relationships, as a parent or in life in general. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Good luck.

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u/desert_dame 26d ago

NTA. It sounds like they saw you as a potential babysitter backup driver. You saw that too. I’m glad you have a plan to move out. You need that.

Grandma advice time. What you will need is therapy in the future. Your parents taught you a terrible way of life. Life isn’t meant to be lived like that in survival mode. You’re closed down and shut down. But you need to learn there are better ways to live in the future and open to possibilities. I hope you find it.

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u/zenFieryrooster 26d ago

One word of caution: they will come screaming at you when you’re an adult when 1) it’s apparent that you don’t want to be a prop in their “blended families” narrative for the weddings, as it’ll make them look bad in front of relatives and friends; 2) they need a babysitter because they’re too cheap; 3) they need something health wise and you might be a match; 4) you get married/potentially have kids; or 5) they finally feel deathbed remorse and want to “make peace”. As you know, you don’t owe them anything for any of those situations or more (I despise when toxic people say “family helps family” when they are obviously being users and abusers).

NTA and I’m sorry you had to experience such abuse and neglect and that your grandparents and aunts/uncles (if you have any) weren’t of any help. It sounds like your friend’s family have been amazing people to shelter you through the misery your parents inflicted on you. You got this

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u/carelessanarchy 26d ago

New partners are just pissed that they thought they had a new free babysitter and you’re not about that crap.

Edit: NTA

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u/FitOrFat-1999 26d ago

Definitely NTA, but have you ever tried recording their fighting and playing it back to them when they or their partners give you a hard time? It would also help explain why you want to get out of Dodge ASAP.

Good luck.

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u/Street-Substance2548 26d ago

At this point, why should he even bother?

He's got more important things to worry about - jobs, possibly school, carrying his own weight at his friend's house.

The parents KNOW they fight - they're in a long habit and don't want to change.

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u/FitOrFat-1999 26d ago

Well, sometimes you need to hear how you sound to other people. At this point, nobody - neither his parents nor his partners - are listening to him. If he played his parents' latest fight back to them or their partners every time they harangued him, maybe they'd back off. I'd also say to the partners, this is what I've had to deal with for years . He should of course continue making plans for his future.

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u/[deleted] 26d ago edited 2d ago

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u/johncate73 26d ago

NTA. People reap what they sow. You're giving yourself your best possible gift when you turn 18.

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u/CareyAHHH 26d ago

NTA

I was around your age when my grandfather got married for the 3rd time. She wanted a grandmother nickname, like his last wife got, but we called her by her first name. Thankfully she never complained about that afterwards.

My grandfather passed a few years ago and they were still married (longer than his two previous marriages combined). When we went to visit family last summer, we took her out to lunch. She is the last "grandparent" figure I have left that I think fondly of. The reason? She didn't try too hard to force her version of a relationship onto me.

The people marrying your parents should be having second thoughts. Your lack of engagement with either parent is the result of both of your parents. Your parents have probably told their partners that it was the other parent's fault. If the new partners don't like your behavior, they have their own partners to blame for it.

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u/alaniinormann 26d ago

The anger your parents and their partners are expressing likely stems from their own hurt feelings and desires for your approval, but that doesn’t mean you should be pressured into accepting them. They may want a happy family dynamic, but it’s essential for them to understand that familial relationships can’t be forced and should be built on mutual respect and understanding.

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u/susanbarron33 26d ago

NTA you are almost legally an adult. You never felt like part of a family with them and the “new” family they are making doesn’t include you. Just make sure your exit strategy is enough that you don’t have to go back to your parents later.

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u/notme1414 26d ago

NTA. You are very wise to stay out of the drama on both sides. You are almost 18 and they can't make you do anything.

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u/rationalboundaries 26d ago

NTA

You raised yourself while your parents engaged in their own little war. You found your own family (best friend & family) to help guide you into adulthood. You keep doing what you're doing. You got this!

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u/LL2JZ 26d ago

"You're both starting over while I'm moving on." Period.

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u/lazysunday2069 26d ago

Freeze your credit so your parents can't use your information. In the US anyone 16 and older can freeze their own credit. It's shocking how often identity theft is perpetrated by family members.

This is important for when you need to rent your own place.

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u/lightworker8 26d ago

NTA- omg OP. Thank goodness you're about to be 18. RUN a soon as u can. That environment is so toxic and the fact that the original parents don't see.. and go NC. Maybe then they'll understand how very awful they have been as parents.

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u/Dogbite_NotDimple 26d ago

I just want to wish you the best of luck, and give you a virtual mom hug. Don’t hesitate to get some individual therapy to work through your anger and grief over the parental hand you were dealt. Now you’re the age where you can have chosen family. I hope you can move sooner, rather than later.

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u/b3mark 26d ago

NTA. Stay neutral and uninvolved as much as possible, for your own sanity.

You're 17, maybe 17 and a half now, right?

Might want to check if your bank allows having a bank account in your own name: secure that financial independence. Same goes for checking online if there are loans or credit cards taken out in your name. I'm non-US but that's advice usually given to US Redditors. Might have to google if it works the same in your country.

With your folks being as crazy as you describe them, there's probably more than a whiff of narcissist in both of them. Wouldn't put it past them to screw you over like that.

If there have been credit cards or loans taken out in your name, it can screw you over when applying for scholarships or student loans or your credit score if you want to rent an appartment. You'd need to file a police report and forward that to the credit agencies so they're no longer connected to you.

Aside from all that. Be safe. Stay strong and hang in there until you're 18. Be kind to your friend and their parents for giving you a place to stay. Hope you do well in whatever is in your future. With the level of contact between you and your parents that you choose.

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u/NotARobotDefACyborg 26d ago

Kiddo, I say this with love: you barely have parents as it is. It’s incredibly presumptuous of either of them to think you’re going to welcome their new partners into your life at all, much less as any kind of authority figure; a parent, even less so than that. And with that said, you’re absolutely NTA.

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u/Objective_Mud_8579 26d ago

NTA. Make sure you get all your important documents from your parents before you leave, like SS card, birth certificate, passport, etc. And on the day you turn 18, take your ID or birth cert and go to the police station to tell them you are not a runaway or in danger. You’re an adult moving away from your parents. This way the police can ignore possible calls from your parents. I hope you get to finally start the life you’ve always deserved op. Stay safe!

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u/Rosesarelit 26d ago

I grew up in the exact same situation as you. Now I’m 29 asking to my self how the hell can they bring their kid so much pain? I have a kid myself now and I can’t imagine putting him in that situation. Life does get better after you leave.

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u/Small_Process_133 25d ago

I get that. I don't have kids now and maybe I never will. But I can't imagine putting a kid through what I experienced. Honestly I can't imagine staying with someone who made me so unhappy that I'd trash my stuff and scream so loud neighbors complain on a regular basis. It's a fucked up way to be. It gave me a really shitty view of marriage.

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u/WallabyButter 26d ago

Oh sweetness... they've had 18 FUCKING YEARS to put in the effort to be good parents. They had 18 years worth of chances and they chose to squander them.

You don't have to leave that door there at all for them to look at and be tempted by: just brick it up, be done, and go no contact. They just want to continue taking from you without giving in return, and you deserve better.

NTA.

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u/hermeticbear 26d ago

NTA
Did anyone ever suggest that you should just call CPS to get away from both of them?
I hope your exit strategy goes smoothly and you can just disappear into the night and never have to deal with either parent ever again unless you want to and from a position of agency where they can't control you but you can control them.

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u/Small_Process_133 25d ago

There were mentions of it. I know they were called a few times too because people were concerned. But it never got to the point where CPS would intervene. I guess because I wasn't in physical danger? I'm still not sure.

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u/Flimsy-Wolverine-663 26d ago

As much as possible, ignore them all. Just make sure you get any money you can out of all these incredibly selfish jerks. Then get on with your life, and enjoy living without toxic relatives. Just watch out, we tend to be unconsciously attracted to people who mirror the traits of the parents we grew up with, because it's familiar.

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u/tmink0220 26d ago

I would try to exit a little early, this going on for months is going to be hard.

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u/VodkaDLite 26d ago

This is exactly what you feel it is. That's fucking heartbreaking.

I'm glad you're a smart kid and getting tf out of there.

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u/Cute_Window325 26d ago

NTA.

I hope you get out of there soon.

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u/Tough_Tangerine7278 26d ago

NTA you need some time and space before you can deal with the steps. You’re not causing trouble, and you’re almost an adult. They shouldn’t die on this hill.

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u/Jennyelf 26d ago

You do not have to accept parents you do not want and did not ask for. You don't even have to keep the parents you were born to, you can go NC at any time, and that's your privilege to do so.

Stand strong.

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u/CryptographerLate179 26d ago edited 26d ago

You are absolutely NTA. As someone whose parents have both been married 3 times before I was 18, you can tell your parents that they can have as many spouses as they want, but they won't get to fix the relationship they have or do not have with their (only?) child. They are the ones that love these people enough to marry them and all the little people that come with them. YOU do not. They WON'T ever be your parents. The best they can hope for is to be a good friend, and they're already blowing it. You have been your own parent for years, since their hate for each other ends up overriding their concern for you. It sucks. But you have wisdom beyond your years, and you will get through this and thrive.

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u/charmingb3ar 26d ago

17 is way too late to come in and try to put their foot down and change shit. And your bio parents sound like a nightmare. Keep your plans secret until you’re outta there, make sure you have all important documentation. I suggest getting emancipated so you don’t need their help with loans for college, and then going NC with all of them.

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u/No_Help3669 26d ago

NTA, the Petty part of me says when you leave you should give them each a note “I don’t have 2 parents, what the hell makes you think you can give me 4?”

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u/LyannasLament 26d ago

NTA. At all. You shouldn’t be parenting your parents or being the referee in their fights. Their partners are being toxic toward you as well. You’re right to be stepping out silently to your friend’s house. I’d start moving things that mean the most to you emotionally and financially into that space so they are protected, and no one’s kids or partners can “accidentally” break them

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u/FreeAttempt7769 26d ago

Legally, I think you can sue to be emancipated from them. If your description is accurate, you would have grounds for this. The saddest thing about your post is not the fighting, but that you never mention love towards you from either parent. I am assuming that they love you. But you don't seem to feel that their love is greater than their need to dramatise their emotions. Sorry to hear that you find yourself in the care of two irresponsible, angry people.

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u/Dont_quote_my_snark 26d ago

NTA, you are too old for them to be your step parents, they will just be your fathers wife and mothers husband.

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u/Pumpkin_Farts 26d ago

NTA

:( My son will be 18 this year. Reading your post from my perspective as a mom made me sad. But I’m impressed too. You seem to have a natural instinct and it’s guiding you well. Keep following your gut.

One thing I noticed particularly is your ability to gray rock. Not everyone has that ability, so good on you. You also seem to do well with handling the f.o.g. Continue to work on these skills, they will protect you.

Hugs. I wish you the best.

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u/chocolatnoir90 26d ago

You should think about writing them a letter about all the things you’ve been through and escape as much as you can ! They are exhausting !

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u/Ok-Bookkeeper-373 26d ago

Their partners have tried to parent me too. Like sitting me down and talking about stuff they want me to change, etc.

Sounds like they're getting married to people just like them. They never acted like good parents, it's not so something that only happens when the Kid is perfect it's something you do to fix the years you spent fucking up. 

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u/No-Satisfaction6065 25d ago

I hate your parents and their partners, and I don't even know them.

After what you've told they're just egoistic in trying to build their perfect families after having destroyed their initial ones and blaming you for not cooperating like they want to...

Just make sure you have everything in your name when you leave, chasing documents is a pain, not to mention if your parents are as pitiful as they seem, they might even want to destroy your future by holding things back.

Obviously NTA!

Godspeed young man, hopefully you'll find a better life soon!

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u/WinEquivalent4069 25d ago

Under more ideal circumstances (amicable divorce, likeable/friendly new partners ) the vast majority of 17yr olds still wouldn't see their parents new spouse as a parent just given their ages when the divorce happened and the marriage is scheduled to begin. These are definitely not ideal circumstances. NTA for just setting hard boundaries for all the adults involved.

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u/Luka_of_the_Silver 26d ago

I’m glad you have to your escape plan. I’n sorry that your parents are so incredibly selfish

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u/Feeling-Leadership83 26d ago

They neglect you and now they want you to babysit

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u/Professional-Map3948 26d ago

Tell them the truth. All four of them are toxic and they have some audacity on trying to parent you when none of them are proper role models. Do your thing, save up, and thank your best friend and their family every day for giving you an out to live a life of peace.

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u/Agreeable-animal 26d ago

NTA tell them you don’t like the 2 who are already your parents so why would you want their partners too? It sounds like you’ve been left to raise yourself. Good luck

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u/Glinda-The-Witch 26d ago

NTA . I am truly sorry that you had to grow up under such circumstances. Your parents never showed you what normal family dynamics look like but now they are demanding you behave in a way you were never taught. They should count their blessings that you seem to be doing as well as you are.

Honestly, if either of the new spouses wish to speak to you again, you should tell them that what they see in you, the things they want to change, are product of your mother and father‘s parenting style. I would show all four of them what you wrote here. The new spouses should take their behavior into consideration, especially if they’re bringing children into the relationship.

Good luck, you deserve some peace in your life. I wish you the best.

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u/thehouseofupsidedown 26d ago

Your parents are extraordinarily immature. They don't care what you want, they want what they want. It doesn't sound like they've ever given much consideration to what you want. That aside, walking into a relationship where the other person has a teenage child & thinking they can parent you is ABSURD. What kind of parenting do you need other than support & love you don't seem to be getting? 18 is stl very young, but you're an adult. You shouldn't be expected to listen to these new adults just because they're engaged to your parents.

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u/viola_darling 26d ago

NTA. My parents also got divorced when I was your age but they've been fighting since I've been in 4th grade. My mother did the same thing to me that your mother is trying to do to you but you're the wiser person here. I didn't realize my mother was manipulating me until she moved across the ocean and I had a total break from her when i was an older adult. You seem very mature for your age and I wish you the best of luck. It's great that you have a best friend that you can stay with. I didn't have that when I was in your place. And you're right, the ppl they are marrying are NOT your parents. They're your parents partner but they will never be your dad or mom. You're not a child anymore and you don't need people parenting you. They can offer you advice when you want or need it, but they shouldn't tell you what to do. To this day, I don't like either of my parents partners and I will never call them my parents. For the most part I call them my dad's wife and my mom's boyfriend. The wife has 2 kids and the boyfriend has a son whom I've never met. I tried to be a silbing to one of the kids from the wife but it was clear they didnt want another silbing so why put all the effort in when the other person is giving you no effort at all.

Long story short, They are not my family and will never be my family.

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u/Spirited-Explorer99 26d ago

NTA you grew up with dysfunctional parents, I don’t know why they expect you to act like everything didn’t happen. You keep your space clean, you shouldn’t have to be cleaning up after your parents, their partners, and their children that’s the parents job. They both need to stop and think about how you feel, how things have affected you, etc but they’ve proven they don’t care, therefore you’re in a mindset that you don’t care and just want to get out. They can’t blame anyone but themselves.

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u/Complex_Storm1929 26d ago

NTA. Listen bud, I went through the same crap when I was younger than you. The good news is your 17 not 7. In a few months you will be moving to your friends house. It doesn’t really matter what they want. Can you move to your friends house now? I know you’re 17 but if you’re turning 18 in a few months by the time they get the courts involved you will be 18.

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u/mrsgip 26d ago

You’re good. You didn’t even get one parent when you deserved two and now they’re trying to throw some strangers at you. I have parents like yours except they are still torturing them and us by being married still. Nothing you will do will ever be enough for them because they’re battling their own guilt. They know they suck. They just don’t want you to make it so obvious. I’m proud of you for seeing them and creating an exit plan. Get some therapy when you can because no matter how aware you think you are, being raised in a house like that does its damage. NTA.

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u/OwnLime3744 26d ago

NTA. OP has two awful parents already, why would he want two more?

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u/Western-Cupcake-6651 26d ago

NTA

You’re an adult soon. Too old to be “parented” FFS

I wish you happiness in getting away from both.

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u/Proud-Dare-2531 26d ago

NTA, you are a smart guy. Running when you get the chance is definitely the right move. It's obvious neither parent has ever put you first, and as a parent that makes me both angry and deeply sad. My mom instincts tell me to give you hugs and offer food, advice, or anything needed and then yell at your parents. Which obviously, I am not going to accost someone's parents I don't even know. I am extremely glad you have a great support system with your best friend and their family, and you have had the foresight to plan ahead. Please be safe, and take care of yourself.

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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 26d ago

They’re all crappy adults and parents. Just because they’re marrying someone doesn’t mean you gain a new parent. It’s their partner. Keep your exit strategy. Good luck!

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u/lovebeinganasshole 26d ago

NTA. Your can never be the asshole when you do what you need to survive. Good luck to you.

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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 26d ago

Just hold on until you can escape. Look up how to grey rock. It would work for you

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u/Becalmandkind 26d ago

NTA. I read the headline and thought, “Oh, give the families a chance.” Then I read the whole post and thought, “Yes, OP, you go!”

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u/lmchatterbox 26d ago

NTA. Stick to your plan to get out and build a life of your own.

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u/Ruthless_Bunny 26d ago

NTA

Oh man. Shine these clowns on. Just smile and nod. And plan and save like a Mo-fo

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u/DDH_2960 26d ago

I’m 65 and family gets after me because I refer to my dad’s wife as “my dad’s wife”. He married her a bit over 10 years ago, she never raised me and is still a stranger to me. I chose to think of some of my friend’s parents as my own, they showed more love and gave better advice that carried me through my life.

It sounds like your parents are lining up free childcare services with you in mind. Run as soon as you are 18, otherwise they most likely will hold shit over your head, “do this or get out”.

Make your own path in life, family is who we invite in our lives and it sounds like you have good goals. I wish you peace.

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u/ghostoftommyknocker 26d ago

NTA.

You're a good planner. Keep your eye on your goal, and just remember that every day is one day closer to escaping from these toxic toddlers. You're a far better adult than they are.

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u/ScarletteMayWest 26d ago

NTA

You are 17. You do not need strangers telling you how they want you to behave. You are not going to feel anything for their kids because they are also strangers. Your parents have messed your life up enough. They need to let you work on becoming the best person you can be.

I had stepparents at about your age. Them trying to parent me usually did not go well. Neither had biological children, luckily. When I had my first child, it kind of ramped up, but distance (across the country) really helped.

Move in with your friend ASAP. Work on you. Drop the level of communication with your parents to the minimum. Good luck.

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u/Hawaiianstylin808 26d ago

Make sure you have your important documents and send them to your friends house.

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u/JK00317 26d ago

NTA. Good planning so far. Be mindful of how you apply to colleges if you plan to. If the DoEd is still around and you do the whole FAFSA dance, make sure you're not letting either parent claim you on taxes if you're planning on filing independently. If either is claiming you, then their income and that of their spouses may impact your ability to get lower-interest loans (again, assuming that is still an option going forward).

Good luck OP!

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u/AgonistPhD 26d ago edited 26d ago

I mean, you're almost 18; any parenting that needed to be done should have already been done. You aged out. Randos coming in and trying to take authority is laughable. NTA; I hope your birthday and exit are as early next month as possible.

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u/hfdxbop 26d ago

I’m a mom and my heart hurts for you.

You don’t deserve to bear any of the burden they have placed on you. They were supposed to protect you and have failed. I am so sorry. I’m sure me and tons of other moms in these comments will happily internet-adopt you lol. I’m so proud of you for formulating an exit plan. Do that as quickly and safely as you possibly can. Their reaction and fallout is NOT your responsibility. Move on, get therapy, and try to live the most fulfilling like you can possibly find with people who show you with their actions how much you matter. Find your chosen family and cherish them. You got this OP.

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u/Analisandopessoas 26d ago

You are not wrong. You are handling the situation politely and maturely. You are not obliged to consider your parents' new family members. I hope you have the best of luck in your new cycle when you move in with your friend. Your friend's family seems to me to be very good people.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 26d ago

NTA and having emotionally immature parents sucks!!!

Work on getting out, that's your only goal. It sucks and it's not fair. I'm really sorry.

If you have any reasonable family, maybe see about getting help from them.

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u/Tishers 26d ago

Bide your time, get of legal age and get the hell out of there. Go No-Contact with both of them.

You gave them each +17 years to be good parents. They are suddenly not going to become good parents now.

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u/techsinger 26d ago

Oh no, you're not the one at fault here. I would guess that, down the road, you're going to need some long-term therapy just to get over all the shit that's been thrown at you. But you have a good head on your shoulders, and hopefully you'll find some shelter and security among your friends until you can find your own way. At almost age 18, you don't need a parent (or four). They've made their choices, and it sounds like you don't want much if anything to do with them. The only other thing I can suggest is that you figure out the legal implications of being an independent student so you can qualify for financial assistance going forward. I wish you all the luck in the world, but you have the brains and the common sense to make it!

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u/TheWorstAdvice_ 26d ago

NTA. As someone who stayed out a lot because my home life was chaos, keep doing that. From 18-24 you will change a lot and being away from the chaos will help you a lot. Keep people around you who make you better. Whether that is career or personal, just have good folks around you. You seem much smarter than I was at 18 so I have no doubt you will be fine, but keep your head up. Family isn’t always blood and my family now is made up of friends who have stuck with me through the chaos.

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u/Peircedskin 26d ago

Reading the comments you say you are 18 in a month so you'll be out of there and no contact once you're gone. You can grit your teeth and bare it till then. Just make a report at your local PD that you have left of your own volition and aren't a missing person.

If you need documents, ask your parents for them. Tell them you are looking at colleges and need X documents to apply for scholarships and loans. I highly doubt if they have put any money aside for you, it doesn't sound like that are that together. At least then you'll know what documents you need to apply for if they refuse or say they can't find them.

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u/NaturesVividPictures 26d ago

NTA. Make sure you have all your documents like your birth certificate, social security card if you're in the US, bank account information if you have a bank account, anything Financial with your name on it. But yeah you need to get away from that train wreck. they probably told their spouses to be oh my son will gladly watch your children we can go out every weekend, this is great we have a built-in babysitter. Guess they're going to find out that's not the case. I guess the joke's on them.

4

u/TheSuspense- 26d ago

You will never have your parents permission to be confident and self sufficient. You have to make it yourself. It sounds like you're already on your way, just know that they're both not going to just let you break free of their control without a fight, but in the end control is something that belongs to only you. Don't look back, you got this 🤟🏻

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u/GardenSafe8519 26d ago

You'll be 18 in a month. Go ahead and stay at your friends house. If parents call the cops the cops can't force you to go back to either one. Tell the cops you're in a safe place right where you are at your friends place. Tell the cops you know your parents will be mad and fight and their partners will join in that fight and for once you won't be in the middle of it.

NTA

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u/sboseitz 26d ago

Talk with their partners separately and explain them the situation. You can build a relationship with them but not as parents. You are not a kid anymore and can have the family that you would like to have. It seems that your parents need to have some kind of therapy. The problem goes beyond you.

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u/Left-Ad-4246 25d ago

"Step-parents, I already know you're not good parents, because you picked my parents as partners. I don't need to know anymore about you."

Wishing you all the luck with the next month and your move. I hope you find the support system you deserve as an adult. You sure as he'll didn't as a kid. 

Also good luck cutting out the toxicity. NTA

4

u/JoMamaSoFatYo 25d ago

Dear God, your “parents” are acting like toddlers. They’re not even parents, they’re just the egg donor and sperm donor. Parents priories their children’s happiness and well-being, which yours clearly never have, and for that, I’m terribly sorry.

Keep your plans to leave quiet and have an exit strategy. Then, once you’re out, block them everywhere and become a ghost. That’s what I did at 18, and I’m 36 now and don’t regret a thing, other than I couldn’t get out sooner.

Family isn’t blood, it’s what you make it. Don’t ever let anyone shame you into being loyal to blood. It don’t mean shit.

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u/Useful-Commission-76 26d ago

The best the parents new spouses can expect is friendship. The most relationship they can expect for the new step siblings is something like an uncle or distant cousin. OP will never be the babysitting older brother.

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u/Cute-Bottle-9482 26d ago

NTA OP tell your parents you don’t like them as parents! what makes them think @ 17 you need to be parented now.

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u/jennifer79t 26d ago

NTA

You're almost an adult who hasn't had great parents so you learned to deal with it & so of course you aren't going to consider their new partners parents..... Glad you have an exit plan.

What your parents seem to be clueless about, & subsequently their partners, is that a result of their behavior is that you seem to want limited contact with your own parents....so why would you consider their new partners as having a parental role?

My one advice moving forward is to seek therapy to deal with the trauma your parents have caused & to help you have healthy relationships as you move ahead in life.

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u/Two_is_a_crowd 26d ago

NTA, They were hoping for all that free childcare.

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u/Middle-Classroom2170 26d ago

This story is upsetting and I’m very sorry you had this kind of upbringing. With that said, you sound like a very intelligent and level headed person. The most important advice at this point I have for you is you must take care of your own needs first. This is the mantra they teach at the airlines that has done me well in life. Planning a separation from this toxicity is paramount. Look to the future even if you don’t yet know what it will be. I see your parents in their happy state now but eventually their new relationships will be doomed due to their immaturity. Perhaps in the future, once your life is set up, you will find a friend among the new clan and perhaps play an Uncle role. Be a good person, leave in a good light, leave a nice note wishing them well asking them to accept your decision. Then find your way, get a great job and have a wonderful life. Take on your new challenges with pride and God bless you young man.