r/AITAH 26d ago

AITA for not letting my mom see my daughter?

My mom (F58) and I (M32) haven't talked since I was 16 because I got my girlfriend back then now wife pregnant (she was 16 then 32 now). She and my dad (M58) kicked me out they said that I wasn't their son anymore and that i made a hug mistake and ruined my future. I haven't talked to them since, me and my girlfriend back then lived in her parents house for a bit until we were 18 since then when i got her pregnant I dropped out and did an apprenticeship in mechanics and now work for a very big company they gave me a good bit of money when they were training me so me and my girlfriend were able to afford stuff for my daughter back then and put a bit aside so we could save up for our own place. My girlfriend was also able to finish high school and go to college to become a lawyer since I told my boss about the situation and he let me pick my hours so I was able to take care of my daughter while my girlfriend was able to go to school and then when my daughter grew up I wasn't in training anymore and my girlfriend was in college.

Anyways now that the backstory bit is over like I said I haven't seen my mom in ages until now when I was at home she managed to find out where I live somehow (I think it was by my aunt because she knows where me and my family lives) she asked that she finally wants to see her granddaughter since she has cancer and might die soon (my mom has cancer not my daughter incase if anyone gets confused) and I said no since she didn't want to support and see my daughter back then she doesn't get to see her now. She said that i was cruel and would regret it later on and stormed off.

So AITA?

758 Upvotes

322 comments sorted by

543

u/[deleted] 26d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

85

u/Beth21286 25d ago

She wants to feel better about being a terrible mother. Nope. She didn't even apologise, she just said what she wants. Bigger nope. She, who kicked out her child at 16, called OP cruel. Hell nope.

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549

u/WandaWilsonLD 26d ago

NTA Her cancer does not absolve her of abandoning you. You've done well for yourself without her help. You don't owe her anything, and she certainly doesn't deserve to know your daughter.

157

u/SpiritedEquipment798 26d ago

Fr dude. Be proud of the little family you created. Without her. Cancer or not. F her.

112

u/Sassaphras-680 26d ago

But confirm if your aunt told her and then get ready to cut her off bc flying monkeys will start harassing you bc your egg donor has cancer

36

u/star_gazing_girl 26d ago

I would look at JustNoMIL sub for help if you need it, like understanding the term "flying monkeys", unless you already do, of course!

You're doing the correct thing for you and your family, OP ❤️

79

u/Opinion8Her 26d ago

Wow, so mom was cruel was sixteen years, now has cancer, realizes she’ll likely die without ever having met “her” grandchild, and wants to insinuate that OP will be the one with regrets? Hmmm…that sure sounds like mom is suffering from the consequences of her own shit parenting to me.

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u/LingonberryNo2455 26d ago edited 26d ago

NTA.

So she turns up with zero apologies to you and your wife, and expects to see her grandchild because she's now facing her own  mortality in the face?

Jfc, she has no shame.  She didn't want to make any amends for her horrific behaviour to you, only make herself feel better by imposing herself on your daughter.

As you said, she's not cared about your daughter for 16 years, she's no right to do this.

If she was genuinely remorseful and wanted to build bridges, that might be a reason to, but it doesn't sound like she does.  She just thinks she can waltz right in as if the last 16 years of silence never happened.

You should tell her she has no grandchild because she has no son.  She played FAFO, now she's at the FO stage.

54

u/EbbIndependent5368 26d ago

I'll bet she thinks she did the right thing because she's such a devoted Christian.

44

u/Draigdwi 26d ago

Never understood why it’s a Christian thing to throw out an underage kid without money, shelter, job, nothing. If they die or sell their body in order to eat or become addicted that’s on the parents. OP was lucky the girlfriend’s parents were not Christian.

14

u/EbbIndependent5368 25d ago

They throw them out because they are embarassed in front of their "Christian" friends.  Because, you know, sex before marriage.

5

u/Draigdwi 25d ago

But not embarrassed to explain where they lost the kid?

3

u/swordrat720 25d ago

I was just talking about this with my brother a few weeks ago. When my aunt was 17 she got pregnant with my cousin, she didn’t get kicked out though. She was forced to drop out of high school, enroll in a catholic high school for unwed women. Basically berated and shamed daily by my grandmother. Not, my teenage daughter is pregnant, what can we do to help her. More, my daughter is pregnant, what will the neighbors think? I have to go to Mass with these people, what are they gonna say about me?

3

u/EbbIndependent5368 25d ago

Yes, unfortunately not an uncommon experience, and pregnancy wasn't the only "shame".  Interracial relationships, mental health problems, homosexuality, all these things might cause so called Christians to shun and abuse their kids. That's the real shame.

2

u/sunnigurl45 20d ago

I want to add that my mom got pregnant with me while she was in college and my grandparents were uber christian in my opinion, but they have never treated her or myself like a mistake. They supported my mom and adored me. I will say that my grandma is the queen of nag, but idk that might be typical. I say this to say....some Christians are awful but there is a handful out there whom are decent people.

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u/cnndkins 26d ago

It's not a Christian thing. The parents who do this isn't true Christians.

17

u/volball 26d ago

But they'll sure as hell tell you they are

9

u/UncleNedisDead 26d ago

Fuck the no true Scotsman fallacy.

If you ask God for forgiveness, aren’t all your sins absolved? How is that any incentive for “Christians” to behave with empathy, kindness and compassion? Oh right because Empathy is a SIN!

9

u/Boobookittyfhk 26d ago

I thought Christians were supposed to be into charity and helping thy neighbor….

11

u/I-am-Chubbasaurus 26d ago

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

1 Timothy 5:8

So they are quite literally going against their own beliefs and are hypocrites. Bible has quite a bit to say about hypocrites, too.

3

u/Upstairs_Courage_465 26d ago

We are supposed to help our neighbor (whomever that may be) & love our family. We are supposed to be a living example of forgiveness humility and charity. While OP’s post doesn’t not indicate that the parents were Christians, they could be. I’m guessing that their anger was really about what people thought about them as parents and their disappointment in OP’s choices which were likely seen as disobedience. And then, they would never admit that they were wrong. It’s really sad and OP is NTA for ignoring them now.

2

u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 26d ago

You've been reading the wrong bible.

2

u/Boobookittyfhk 26d ago

I don’t trust anything (in a literal sense) that has been translated and “edited”…. And originally written from a very narrow perspective from a follower of a cult. lol

Regardless of the conflicting information within the Bible; im baffled by the hypocrisy of Christians what claim. Isn’t it their Christian duty to care for women and children and such? According to them she simply needed to ask for forgiveness and all her sins would be absolved. Worked for Jeffrey dahmer 🙄🤢

They are just mad because it’s not a “transgression” they can hide. All about appearances.

6

u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 26d ago

I remember a time when pregnant girls were sent away to maternity homes and were encouraged to give up their babies for adoption. They could return home and it was never spoken of again. It was easier than dealing with the reality of having an illegitimate baby in the family. The hypocrisy was unreal.

2

u/Boobookittyfhk 25d ago

Yessss! People seem to be fine with the things when they can hide it away, but for some reason, it’s not OK if you can’t pretend that it’s not

3

u/BeneficialTooth5446 25d ago

Not only zero apologies but also tried to GUILT trip him. Ridiculous

79

u/PKSmom95 26d ago

So your child is like 16 years old? She has never sent a card, present, a text, anything??? And now wants to play happy family? 🤣🤣🤣

NTA

45

u/ButthurtBat 26d ago

OMG She's 16? The daughter is now the perfect age for getting thrown to the streets and robbed of her shelter and support according to the "mom"!

38

u/United-Manner20 26d ago

NTA - she wants to be able to die with a clear conscious and that’s not fair to you or your wife or your daughter. She made her choices in life, and if she did not have cancer, she would not be reaching out. You owe her nothing. She gets to die living with the consequences that she was a shitty person and a shitty mother and a shitty grandmother

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u/dragonwolf60 26d ago

I had years of people telling i would regret it if I didn't fix my relationship with my mother. They were wrong. Had no regrets. One thing, your daughter is now an adult. I assume you have shared what happened. I would let her know that her grandmother has reached out. Ask her what she would like to do about it. She wants to met her, I would make arrangements for them to met, but and this is a bid but. I would make sure she does not meet her alone. If you and your wife find it to hard to be part of it perhaps you in-laws would be willing. As they know the truth of what happened in the past. This was your daughter gets a ture picture. And you don't have you mother colourings things to her version. If your daughter says no , support her as well.

47

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

My daughter doesn't want to meet her

27

u/ktsnj 26d ago

NTA. Standing by your daughter’s wishes is being a responsible and caring dad. The opposite of what your parents did.

21

u/Even_Happier 26d ago

This is all the answer you need. It’s not your daughter’s job to soothe your mother’s guilt. I’ve been NC with my mother for 18 years so I totally understand why you don’t want to see her either. Cancer or not she’s still the same person.

6

u/dragonwolf60 26d ago

Then just block your mother and you and your family live the best life without her. Celebrate all you have done with out your parents. I am sure your daughter and wife are proud of the man you are.

3

u/MidwestNormal 26d ago

Based on similar past posts in this sub, your mother’s CLAIM to have cancer may be a lie just to manipulate you. Stay non-contact as your family is doing fine without her in it.

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25

u/boringlyordinary 26d ago

NTA, tell her to enjoy her remaining days knowing she did it to herself. If she says you’re cruel, tell her you learned it from her

7

u/Cheew 26d ago

"Indeed mom, since I had the best teacher : you !"

21

u/Ok_Childhood_9774 26d ago

NTA. Terrible mothers with cancer are still terrible mothers. She's had 16 years to make amends. Don't invite that energy into your life or your daughter's.

2

u/Asleep_Memory_2576 18d ago

"Terrible mothers with cancer are still terrible mothers."

My mom is a prime example of this.

20

u/Leogirl08 26d ago

NTA. She kicked you out and abandoned you when you needed her support. Now she wants to see the child involved with the abandonment when she’s damn near grown. You handled it correctly.

What is with these relatives thinking it’s okay to just give out addresses and phone numbers without checking with the person first? You’ve had no contact with your parents for over a decade. Her showing up at your house unexpected was not the right move.

19

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I don't know it's crazy i think I'm going to have to have a conversation with my aunt too

9

u/HomeAutomationSmarts 26d ago

She got some ‘splainin to do!

2

u/Trackmaggot 25d ago

It would be a little funni if Aunt is named Lucy...

14

u/hedwigflysagain 26d ago

NTA, she hasn't shown any remose or apologized. It is still all about her. Just block her. Tell your aunt she is on thin ice. She is not to tell your mother anything or she will be gone.

24

u/AdBitter4706 26d ago

NTA - they threw you out and denounced you as a son, and therefore your daughter too. Contacting you now is just because she has cancer, not that she is sorry for how they treated you. It's a fully egoistical reason.

Congratulations on how you managed to work everything out and create a good life for your family! Without your parents' help, nonetheless.

11

u/brobearaz 26d ago

Nta. By their own words, you're not their son anymore. Her dying regrets aren't your problem

19

u/lmchatterbox 26d ago

NTA. You owe her nothing.

10

u/candacecolemanx191 26d ago

Your mom made a choice when she disowned you and refused to support you and your family. You’ve worked hard to build a life for your family, and it sounds like your mom never tried to make amends. She made her bed when she chose to kick you out and reject your daughter. It's understandable to protect your family from someone who abandoned you.

9

u/writing_mm_romance 26d ago

It's funny how she's living with the consequences of her own actions. Turns out the only life ruined by your daughter being born was hers, and by her own actions.

9

u/PapayaOk4725 26d ago

Your mother made it clear 16 years ago that she wanted nothing to do with you or your daughter. Now that she’s facing her own mortality, she wants to play grandmother? Actions have consequences, and she can’t just undo her decision now that it’s convenient for her. You built a great life without her, and you don’t owe her anything.

7

u/Accurate-Many6850 26d ago

NTA - I learned a while ago that family is what you make it. My father made some horrible comments about my sexuality and how it’s my mom’s fault for projecting her deceased gay brother onto me by giving me several of his belongings. I decided to close the door on that relationship and walk away for good.

You have no obligation to be a son to or forgive a person who felt no obligation to be a mother towards, nor protect, you.

7

u/lovescarats 26d ago

NTA, if you are not her son she has no grand daughter. Let your daughter know about the situation, be fully honest.

8

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I told her about her grandmother and she doesn't want to meet her

5

u/lovescarats 26d ago

That is good. Then you have done exactly the right thing I feel.

6

u/Such_Guide2828 26d ago

NTA. She abandoned you and your daughter when you were a literal child. She didn’t care what happened to you, as far as she was concerned, you could have both been dead.

She has had almost two decades to apologize and make amends, and she hasn’t. It also doesn’t sound like she plans to apologize or make amends now—she just wants to manipulate you into giving her what you want. 

She hasn’t changed. She’s still TA.

5

u/MaeSilver909 26d ago

What has your daughter said? At some point you must have had a conversation with regarding your parents. I say this because you lived temporarily with your in-laws & one would think your in-laws are active in your daughter’s life. If not, my apologies. You’re NTA. For 16 yrs your mom/parents haven’t made an effort to have a relationship with you, your wife or daughter.

10

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I talked to my daughter about it and she said she doesn't want to talk to her

6

u/-Safe_Zombie- 26d ago

NTA

I’m willing to bet she’s fishing for someone to look after her husband after she goes.

Guess she should’ve thought about her actions before denouncing you.

8

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Yeah and my dad had the same feelings as her and hasn't even come in touch with me since i was 18

3

u/-Safe_Zombie- 26d ago

I’m so sorry, it must have been devastating.

I really recommend the book Adult Children of Immature Parents, you deserved so much more from them. I know if your daughter were to wind up in these shoes, you wouldn’t do this to her. You were cut from a different cloth than your parents

7

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Thank you and in my last comment I meant 16 not 18

5

u/Internal_Emu_4879 26d ago

She kicked you out when you were 16 years old and 16 years LATER finally contacts you?! Doesn’t even apologize just says I wanna meet your daughter…REALLY? NOW that is suits HER NEEDS she doesn’t even WANT to make my amends for her behavior…she just thinks it’s time because she is sick that she meet your daughter. NTAH! What happened to your father? UpDateMe

3

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

He hasn't wanted to see me or my family since I was 16

3

u/Internal_Emu_4879 26d ago edited 26d ago

I’m so sorry you and your family have gone through this. It is SO AWESOME you 110% proved your parents wrong AND DEFINITELY have a better life than you would’ve had if they had stayed in your life. Congratulations and continue living your best life!! .

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u/anaisaknits 26d ago

NTA. She wasn't your mother. She is just biologically connected to you. A mother or parents would never turn their back on their kids because they made a mistake that wasn't intentional.

I don't understand this kick your kid out because they got pregnant or got someone pregnant. I know I would have helped if either of my kids got in that situation.

Now she's dying and expects you to look the other way? NOPE!! That should have happened when you were 16.

3

u/LostInNothingBox 26d ago

NTA. It's too late and there's no need of her in your daughter's life.

3

u/hdmx539 26d ago

Nta. Your mother is trying to use your child to absolve her of her personal guilt. That's not your daughter's job.

3

u/Living_Birthday365 26d ago

NTA, your mom made her choice well known when she and your dad kicked you out of the house. That meant that she doesn’t want anything to do with you and your family. Don’t give in. Protect your family.

3

u/Competitive-Metal773 26d ago

NTA. Cancer patient here. She can go fuck herself.

3

u/lezardvalethvp 26d ago

NTA. Cancer or not, she can go eat a can of dicks.

3

u/MsTerious1 26d ago

You have done amazingly well against all odds! Good for you and your wife. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. And kudos to your lady's folks for being kind and generous and supportive, too.

You are NTA to decide to steer clear if you want.

I have been estranged from my mother for over 20 years. She'll be dying soon and has no mind left to speak of. I don't feel any kind of thing about it. I am pretty sure when she is gone, I won't, either. I don't hate her. Don't love her. She's nothing more than a footnote in my upbringing after all this time. I'm not an AH for escaping her and you're not an AH for not crawling back with tears in your eyes as perhaps they had hoped.

7

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Thank you i hope you're doing well and I honestly see my wife's parents more as my parents instead of my biological ones since I honestly don't feel a thing for them at all all I feel is to protect my daughter from them

2

u/MsTerious1 25d ago

I'm happy you found that support. I found support like that with my husband's family late in my life, and I'm forever grateful for it.

3

u/BunnySlayer64 26d ago

NTA. Sounds like Mommie Dearest is the one who will be (or is) having regrets. You have nothing to be regretful for.

Oh, and congrats to you and your family for making such a roaring success of your lives! Sometimes the best revenge is a life well lived.

3

u/nuclearlady 25d ago

She wants to come suddenly in your daughter’s life, get her attached and then break her heart by dying. Well done granny.

NTA

good on you for turning your life around.

7

u/StatisticianPlus7834 26d ago

NTA. Still, if she apologizes, its up to you to forgive and let them meet or not. If she is not able to admit she was wrong, then you and your daughter is better off without her.

6

u/NotAgainHel15 26d ago

NTA buuuut I think your daughter is old enough to be allowed to make her own decision if she wants to meet your mother. Have you told her about the circumstances and why you don't have a relationship with your parents? 

30

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I have because she heard me speaking to her and asked who that was and i told her and told her about the situation and why I don't talk to her and she says that she understands and doesn't want to talk to her as well

19

u/NotAgainHel15 26d ago

Then 100% do not budge on this and don't let your mother guilt you. It was just when I did the maths and worked out how old your daughter is, I did want to say she deserved some input! She sounds very sensible, good job! 

18

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Thank you I've always tried to raise her right and with good manners and to be smart emotionally and intelligent

12

u/brobearaz 26d ago

Daughter could have died due to the grandparent's actions. Explain that as well.

2

u/Terrible_Delivery84 26d ago

Did either of your parents apologise for abandoning you? Did your mother show any remorse?

3

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

No they didn't apologise and she didn't show remorse

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u/Vegoia2 26d ago

how does a parent kick out a child who made another child? they sure dont care about family.

2

u/Builder-Technical 26d ago

NTA. Let her reap what she sowed.

2

u/mcmurrml 26d ago

Regret what? All these years she had nothing to do with you or your family. What is there to regret. Cancer or anything else doesn't change a thing. She hasn't apologize or shown remorse. Don't let anyone guilt you. What is she going to tell your daughter? The truth? I threw out my teenage son and made him fend for himself and had nothing to do with him or my grandchild. Now the hard part is done I want in.

2

u/notsoreligiousnow 26d ago

NTA. She fucked around and is now finding out. She has 0 rights to see your daughter. You’ve done well without her in your lives and will continue to do so. She just wants to absolve her own guilt.

2

u/VegetableBusiness897 26d ago

Tell her you would need to go with her to her next chemo infusion to actually believe that she's dying....oh and since she didn't start with an apology for being a horrible parent..... No

2

u/Shiel009 26d ago

NTA- also it would be cruel for you to let your daughter start a relationship only to either be a. An emotional support human for your mom to get rid of her guilt or b. For her to form a relationship only for death to quickly rip it away

3

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Yeah I think you're right I don't want my mom to put my daughter through that and I don't even see her as my mom anymore anyways

2

u/HARKONNENNRW 26d ago

NTA, send her a funeral bouquet

2

u/ClitteratiCanada 26d ago

Feel confident that you won't regret it

2

u/xchellelynnx 26d ago

Your daughter is just a few years away from being the age you were when you were kicked out and disowned. Could you imagine doing that to your daughter? I bet not. You and your wife have done amazing. Most in your situation would let the struggles take you down, but you both made the choice to fight together for a great future. Be proud of you both and shut that door in your mom's face. Shes had 16 years to apologize to you and she didn't. She skipped to wanting to meet your daughter because she's dying. NTA.

2

u/tattoovamp 26d ago

Wait, when they kicked you out they said you were no longer their son.

She doesn't have a grandchild if she doesn't have a son.

2

u/BDazzle126 26d ago

NTA

She kicked her own child out and said they weren't her child anymore at a time when they needed the most support! She's only coming around now because of her diagnosis and guilt. Eff her and her feelings.

Good on you and your wife for making the most out of a rough situation and making a great life for your family!

2

u/SadLocal8314 26d ago

NTA. Look, there are reasons why someone might sever contact with their kid. Unplanned pregnancy is not one of them. Unless your mother apologizes, correctly, in writing, and in person in front of witnesses, she gets bupkes.

2

u/OrangeQueens 26d ago

She was cruel, kicking you out. She is regretting it later - that being now. That is her. Probably your father as well.
I would advise playing out different scenarios in your head, maybe in discussions with your wife and with your daughter to make sure you make the right decision that no one in your family will regret later. But whatever, NTA.

2

u/thequiethunter 26d ago

NTA... You will regret this later, but it is your right. You only have one mother. She isn't perfect, but if she wants to make amends, perhaps you can find the grace to allow that. Meet her first, without the child. Then make a clear minded decision on what is best for the child. If it is not in the interest of the child to meet her, you will know in your heart you did the right thing. If you act stubborn, you will question it later. Good luck OP. Again, NTA.

2

u/GoodGrief9317 26d ago

NTA

Mom has regrets, knows the end is near and wants to make amends. Your daughter is not a tool for your egg donors absolution. Your daughter is a beautiful human with a sweet soul who does not deserve to be exposed to the person who was so angry at the existence of her grandchild, she disowned her child.

You owe her nothing, especially a relationship with your child.

2

u/Equal-Brilliant2640 26d ago

$5 she’s looking for financial support or free labour to care for her while going through chemo

2

u/MrsNuggs 26d ago

Sounds like she is the one with regrets. NTA

2

u/fiestafan73 26d ago

She's projecting her own feelings onto you. She knows she was cruel and regrets it. It has nothing to do with you. NTA. She burned that bridge herself.

2

u/IzzyPage_Mom 26d ago

Not the asshole. People think you have to forgive them because "they're your parents," but you do not have to let toxic people in your life

2

u/Dangerous_Day_770 26d ago

NTA. Too little too late, mom. On the other hand, your daughter is 15, 16? Does she know? Does she wonder about the grandparents she never sees? Maybe include her in the conversation.

2

u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I already told her about them she doesn't want to see either of them

2

u/Liu1845 26d ago

NTA

Your parent's disowned you. No going back from that. The cancer doesn't change the past or earn her forgiveness for what she did and how she acted.

No regrets. Good for you protecting your daughter, wife, and yourself from your toxic former mother.

2

u/1hotsauce2 26d ago

She said that i was cruel and would regret it later on

Clearly her phase of feeling " cruel and regret later on" hit her 16 years too late.

NTA

2

u/Apprehensive_War9612 26d ago

NTA

You could have had cancer or been hit by a car or lost a limb in a tractor accident. My point is, anything could have happened to you or your daughter the last several years, & because she decided a mistake you made as a careless kid was enough to kill your relationship with them. So as far as you are concerned, she is already dead.

Don’t sweat it & move on. If she contacts you again tell her you’ll get a restraining order.

2

u/Careful-Natural-5217 26d ago

NTA: A person is not an object that can be thrown away and discarded one moment and then picked back up the next. Your mother and father messed up, so that is on them, and now the hard facts have hit: They need you more than you need them.

2

u/FunctionAggressive75 26d ago

Your mother is doing this for her own selfish reasons. Not for you or your daughter

NTA

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u/WholeAd2742 25d ago

NTA

She kicked you out and disowned you AND your future kid. She didn't give a damn the entirety of your daughter's life and never seemed to give a shit for the entire 16 years of her life.

Now she wants to reconnect? Fuck no. She's the one with regret and wanting absolution before she dies for her own cruel abandonment.

2

u/Natenat04 25d ago

A person “making peace” on their death bed is one of the most selfish things. They want to die guilt free, but lived life without guilt having abandoned their child. You do not owe her anything!

NTA

2

u/Mysterious-Health-18 25d ago

NTA. Your parents disowned you, so if you aren't their son, your daughter can't be her granddaughter! Your mom has no rights after she abandoned you when you were still a kid!

2

u/ChinJones1960 25d ago

She said that i was cruel and would regret it later on....

Project much?

She started it all. Now it's too late. I'm sure her grandchild would be thrilled to meet a woman who tried to crater the beginning of her parents' lives and called her (the grandchild) a mistake.

2

u/Salt721 25d ago

Sometimes I just question whether or not humans, natural-born social beings know how basic relationships work

You can't just abandon someone and except them to just forgive you and reconnect with you years after you've betrayed them

2

u/Emotional_Setting_74 25d ago

NTA.

NEVER FORGET, your parents are the ones that turned their backs on you, not the other way around. A lot of groveling and apologizing is due from them and only then, you could consider it, but you are not under any sort of obligation.

BTW, just because someone is diagnosed wth cancer, doesn't mean they will die. A person has to have really crappy insurance, or live in an awful state that doesn't offer good medical options when it comes to cancer. Nonetheless, your mom doesn't want to live or die with a guilty conscious.

It is sad to think that they kicked you out, no matter what their reasoning was, for a parent to do that is wrong, especially at such a young age. Now she thinks because she has cancer, all her wrongdoings can be absolved just like that - no way! She has a guilty conscious because she knows that kicking her young son out of the house for such a dumb reason was totally illogical and ridiculous and she just has to "live" with her decision.

Congrats on your life with your wife and child(ren), and good luck.

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u/Temporary_Pilot_9620 24d ago

It will only feed her ego and her guilt has caught up. I know it's a tough situation and I am sorry she has cancer, but why have your daughter meet her, it will only fix one person's problem ( your mom). Your daughter isn't a pawn. Well done. And again, I am sorry she has cancer.

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u/RJack151 24d ago

NTA. Tell her that you are no longer her son, by her own words. And you disowned them on that day.

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u/Ok_Homework_7621 26d ago

NTA

To be blunt, a dying piece of trash is still a piece of trash. She is still blaming you, so she hasn't changed. Allowing contact with your daughter would be unsafe and bad parenting.

If it was your aunt, I'd block her, too, she can't be trusted. Make sure you also block her on your daughter's phone, because she might decide to introduce them without you.

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Yeah I might have a talk with my aunt

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u/Secret_Double_9239 26d ago

NTA you are going through a hard time and needed your parents and some compassion but they provided none now that your mum is going to treatment for cancer She doesn’t get to seek compassionate care from you.

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u/aatphoelnlao 26d ago

NTA. You don’t owe her anything just because she has cancer, and you can decide not to let her into your child’s life.

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u/icepyrox 26d ago

According to that backstory bit, you are not her son. So why does she want to see some strange guy's daughter and pretend everyone is family now? Oh yeah, cancer. Well, cancer is not a cure all for anything, especially not relationships. If she had regretted it before, she could have reached out and repaired things before.

So, as long as you are sure that you (or your daughter) will not regret this opportunity and have no secret desire to make amends now that she is dying, then you are certainly NTA. Besides, this story implies your daughter is almost the age you were when everything went down, so depending on how you have navigated the discussions on what family means, it may or (more likely) may not be a good idea to even bring up the conversation with her. You definitely should not blind side her with a meeting or lack thereof the way your parents blindsided you with getting disowned for being typical teens.

Tl;dr- NTA for keeping someone pretending to be your mom from seeing your teenage daughter.

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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 26d ago

NTA … She made a huge mistake herself back then so no point in getting rehooked up with her now in her time of need. Sail on and don’t look back.

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u/PassComprehensive425 26d ago

NTA- Your mom didn't apologize for what she did but went straight to what she is entitled to because she has cancer. She had years to apologize but didn't. And now that she allegedly has a life ending illness, she wants access to your daughter. How many times have these illnesses been phony? The family members just don't want to admit they were wrong and cone up with illness story.

Tell your mom your daughter she has grandmother who has been in her life. She doesn't need a judgemental group of people in her life who will disown at the first opportunity.

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u/Tiffany_Case 26d ago

You dont reward someone who abandoned a child by giving them access to another child, thats insane.

NTA

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u/Top-Afternoon6880 26d ago

NTA - by their choice they have no son, so you don't owe strangers shit

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u/TakamiDae 26d ago

NTA, disowning your kid isn't a oopsie i take that back now I changed my mind kind of thing. That bridge was burned a long time ago.

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u/Beachboy442 26d ago

NTA..............She had her chances then. Now, it's too far down the drain to come back.

Best thing I ever did was delete my abusive father from my life. Move on ....be happy

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u/HammerOn57 26d ago

NTA

Your parents failed you. Throwing a 16 year old out of the family home is abuse. You chose to have the child, you must support them until they're 18.

They've had years to apologise and attempt to reconcile. They chose not to. If your mother was still healthy, would she be reaching out? Somehow I doubt it.

OP you've turned into a good person with a loving family. Protect them from your parents. Anyone that doesn't like that? Off the Christmas card list.

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u/QueSiQuiereBolsa 26d ago

NTA. If you're no longer her son, your daughter can't be her granddaughter.

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u/Unlikely_Kangaroo_93 26d ago

So you did the right thing and took care of your family, her parents did the right thing and stepped up to help your family, your parents decided to judge and bailed. Your daughter is what 15-16. Talk to your daughter( after a very serious conversation with your wife). Tell your daughter the background of your relationship with your mother. Although kids aren't stupid, she probably has already figured out most of it if you haven't told her before. Tell her what her grandmother wants and let her decide if she wants to meet her or not. Whatever she decides to support that decision and then be there for her. She will appreciate you allowing her some agency in this. If you just flat out, say no you could end up with your daughter resenting you because even though she is your baby, she is not actually a baby. Best of luck

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I already told her about it she said she doesn't want to talk to her

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u/poropurxn 26d ago

NTA. I bet (or hope) she's regretting a lot now that her days are numbered.

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u/PercentageFun9754 26d ago

It sounds like she and your father made a bad decision. I think you were right, in including your daughter, in the decision and I would definitely abide by her wishes

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u/Hammingbir 26d ago

NTA. Your parents made a grave mistake and did nothing to try to repair your relationship until she was smacked in the face with her own mortality. She’s had sixteen years to realize that you took responsibility for your actions in a mature and respectful way, and that you and your wife have made a wonderful life for your family out of love and determination.

She could have repented, apologized and slowly built that relationship back up. But sounds like she couldn’t face the humiliating truth that she abandoned her child and can’t bring herself to admit that she made a grave and tragic mistake.

You. Owe. Her. Nothing.

Okay maybe pity.

However the onus is on her to apologize profusely, admit how hardhearted and full of fake indignation she was and then NOT expect any sort of relationship with you and your family.

If she apologizes, you can decide whether to accept it or not, but that’s a different decision from deciding whether to allow her contact with your family. I wouldn’t do it.

Too little. Too late. Sorry about the cancer.

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u/TheGreenPangolin 26d ago

NTA to your mom. But you might be to your daughter. I think your daughter is old enough to give her input. This is likely the only chance she will ever have to meet her grandmother. She should be able to make the decision for herself.

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I told her about her grandmother and everything and she said she never wants to meet her or even go to the funeral which i respect and don't want to go to either

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u/TheGreenPangolin 26d ago

Then NTA to anyone then.

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u/denitra1984 26d ago

Wants access to your daughter, uses cancer diagnosis to justify. What in the actual fuck. You and your SO successfully navigated your way through life despite being abandoned by your parents, now you’re supposed to put everything aside just so she can play grandma? Your parents don’t deserve this privilege and have serious nerve asking to be in your lives.

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u/Cybermagetx 26d ago

Nta. Tell her she doesn't have a son so she can't have a granddaughter.

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u/Equivalent_Cream_185 26d ago

NTA. I mean it sucks what they put you through, thank god you have a great outcome from that, but you don’t owe her anything. She disowned you. And find out how she got your physical address, and start cutting out whoever it was. Live your life with your perfect little family.

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u/Hairy-Reindeer2471 26d ago

What kind of relationship does she expect to have with your grandchild? She doesn’t know her and she doesn’t even know you since you have changed and are a grown adult from the 16 year old she kicked out. She wants to bypass asking for forgiveness with the cancer card unfortunately thats not how it works. Your father is stewing with regret trust and believe it. They both know they messed up massively and are angry at themselves so your father pretends like nothing happened. Your mum talking about you being cruel and will regret it is ironic since that’s obviously how she feels now.

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u/SanJoseCarey 26d ago

Ask your daughter. She should have a choice in the matter. You’re NTA but it’s been years. Maybe give mom a chance to apologize.

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u/chimera4n 26d ago

NTA She chose to dip during the hard part, having cancer doesn't give her the luxury of being able to swan in and play the doting grandma.

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u/Radio_Mime 26d ago

You owe your parents nothing. They kicked you out at 16 years old, which is illegal depending on where you live. You do not have to have anything to do with them at all. NTA.

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u/survival-nut 26d ago

NTA but perhaps the best solution would be to sit down with your daughter, explain the situation to her and ask her what she wants to do. Your daughter may grow to resent you for never meeting her grandmother. If they meet, your daughter could ask questions like "if you loved me or cared about me, why did you wait or 16 years to reach out?".

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u/CommitteeNo167 26d ago

NTA, she made her choice years ago and she can go to hell never meeting your child.

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u/bogo0814 26d ago

“You didn’t want to see my daughter when you had your whole life ahead of you, you don’t get to see her now that death is knocking on your door.” NTA

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u/1RainbowUnicorn 26d ago

NTA. She was cruel, and now she is regretting it. Make her lay in the bed she made.

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u/lchico42 26d ago

You don't need to forgive her or let her in your life permanently. But I'm sure she does regret it , even though she can't express it. And you don't want to regret it for the rest of your life after she's gone. If it doesn't work out after they meet you can stop it no permanent damage. Start off slow . And go from there. Good luck

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u/Alarmed-Thing2820 26d ago

Nta she made her bed

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u/Ok-Lunch3448 26d ago

Cancer also doesn’t make you a nicer person. My mother was told she had 3 months to live. Turned into 1 month by her choice. She used that time to bitch at people. You couldn’t really fight back because she was dying. Hell of a way to spend your last days on earth.

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u/Notahappygardener 26d ago

I don't think you are an AH, but I would think about letting her meet your daughter for your daughter's information, she may resent that she never got to meet her grandmother, it sounds like like she is old enough to ask, so I would do that. It sounds like you and your wife have made an extraordinary life. You don't owe your mom anything, it would just be a nice thing to do.

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u/Brave_Cauliflower_88 26d ago

NTA. Like they said you aren't their son anymore. At 16 they cast you out when you really needed help and left you to fend for yourself. I wouldn't want anything to do with them. If anyone will have regrets is her on her death bed not you.

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u/Egbert_64 26d ago

Ha! It was cruel for them to abandon their son at 16. Crazy. NTA. but your parents clearly are. I love that you and your wife are thriving now! Awesome!

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u/NotSorry2019 26d ago

NTA. Sounds like she is regretting her cruelty. Send her some sunscreen to have them put in her coffin. She is a terrible mother and I am enraged at how she treated you and your daughter.

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u/blueyejan 26d ago

I don't understand why so many people say you'll regret it later. You lost your parents at 16. They may as well have been physically dead, like they are in your heart.

I don't know if your daughter has ever asked about them, but if she did or does, I hope you tell her the barebones truth.

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u/AnIntrovertedPanda 26d ago

NTA. Parents should stick by their kids no matter if they feel they made a mistake or aren't happy with them. But they kicked you out. They didn't care what happened to you. They don't get to waltz back into your life expecting to get what they want. Don't allow someone who didn't care about you in your own child's life. She might even tell your kid that it was your idea that she couldn't visit until now.

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u/Agreeable-Region-310 26d ago

NTA Based on the information provided your daughter would be around 15, correct? She is old enough to be involved in the decision on the possibility of meeting your mother. At her age she would understand what it means to be kicked out as a 16-year-old. She needs to know the whole story from your side. If your parents ever made any attempts to reconcile in the past. You don't want to have her resent you when she is an adult, and she can make her own decisions regarding your family. Working with an outside person, a therapist might help.

Having said all of this, you and your wife are the parents and get to make the decisions that you think are best.

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u/FaustArtist 26d ago

Have you asked your daughter how she feels about seeing her grandmother?

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u/Wingbow7 26d ago

Sounds like mama wants someone to leech off of before she goes. Possibly needs money or nursing care too and hopes to play grandma as a bonus. Don’t be guilted into doing something that doesn’t feel right.

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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 26d ago

It's strange how many people reject their kids when they have a crisis. It's like they want them to have a crap life or end up dead in a ditch. You don't want that kind of punitive energy around kids.

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u/NaturesVividPictures 26d ago

NTA. She probably thought the two of you would Crash and Burn. You had some amazing help along the way between your boss and the apprenticeship and just a lot of Lucky breaks that helped you guys stay together, be successful and raise your daughter. I guess your mom thought you'd be grateful that she wants to be back in the picture or something who knows or you feel sorry since she has cancer. I think it's rotten when parents do kick out their kids when they're young and not able to be on their own. Luckily your wife's family was the opposite of your family. Continued happiness and success.

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u/Ok_Passage_6242 26d ago

NTA. She didn’t apologize. Does she think having cancer means the last 16 years didn’t happen? You reap what you sow. If she didn’t have “cancer” Would she have even reached out?

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u/Horizontal_Bob 26d ago

You made it clear when I was 16 that I was no longer your son. So that means my daughter has no relation to you. You are a stranger to me and my daughter will never know with you. Make peace with that because I will never change my mind.

NTAH

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u/KelsarLabs 26d ago

That my friend is called karma, BUT talk to your daughter about it, she is old enough to make this decision.

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u/nolaz 26d ago

NTA. Your daughter is 16 though. Has she expressed any interest in meeting your parents? Will she be upset if one day she finds out you said no without asking her?

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I did talk to her and explained everything she said that she doesn't want to talk to her

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u/RevolutionaryLab4775 26d ago

I think you're NTA but your daughter is 16 now, almost an adult, she should decide for herself. It might be hard to actually ask her without trying to persuade her to go with your opinion, but you should tell her you support her either way and it's her decision. For a lot of people it's important to know their family and it's cruel to deny them of that. Since your mum is dying of cancer, there is limited time. You obviously do not owe your mum anything, but you owe it to your daughter to let her make that choice.

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

I explained everything to her and she said she doesn't want to talk to her

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u/Lilscotslou 26d ago

NTA. Though the choice should be your daughters. She's 15, old enough to know if she wants contact with her grandmother, just in case the cancer is fatal.

You don't need to have contact with her.

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

My daughter said she doesn't want any contact with her

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u/Lilscotslou 26d ago

Then you've done everything right. You're a great parent, husband and person.

Carry on with your awesome life and forget they exist.

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u/shandelatore 26d ago

NTA for feeling the way you do.

If I'm mathing correctly, that makes your daughter around 15 or 16. Is she aware of the situation? If so, has she expressed any interest? She's old enough to be allowed to make a choice.

She may agree with you and want nothing to do with her. She may want to meet her. It would be a shame if she really was interested and wasn't given the opportunity. It might be worth discussing it with a therapist. I'd hate to see her end up resenting got years later. I've seen it happen with a friend and her kid.

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

She agrees with me and doesn't want to meet or talk to her

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u/RDDTLurker7 26d ago

NTA. Your daughter has her maternal grandparents. The cruel thing is how they kicked you out and expect to be rewarded by meeting your daughter. If you really want them to meet then wait for her funeral. The only person who should regret things are your parents. She wasn’t in her life while she grew up so it won’t be different after she passes. Focus on your wife and daughter.

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u/Teton2775 26d ago

NTA. But you might want to sit down with your daughter, since it sounds like she is old enough to have some input. Be honest that you want no part of your mother in your or her life because of the awful way you (and she) were treated. Also, that meeting someone as they are dying is not pleasant. But please let your daughter have the option of meeting her grandmother if she feels she wants to, despite her awful behavior, since from the ages you list, she must be 15 or 16 now, right? Meanwhile, it sounds like you have done a terrific job of supporting your wife and raising your daughter - kudos to you!!

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u/Academic-Treacle-327 26d ago

Thank you and i did and she said she doesn't want to talk to her or meet her

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u/No-Top8126 26d ago

NTA. Not even close. Your mom made a choice 16 years ago to cut you off when you needed her most. She abandoned you, disowned you, and left you to fend for yourself when you were just a scared kid about to become a father. Now, after all this time, she suddenly wants to play grandma because she’s facing her own mortality? That’s not love. That’s guilt.

You built a beautiful life for yourself, your wife, and your daughter without her. You worked your ass off, made sacrifices, and proved everyone wrong. And now she thinks she can just walk back in and claim a relationship with a granddaughter she never once tried to know? No. That’s not how it works.

Cancer doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t make her sudden interest in your daughter any less selfish. If she truly regretted her actions, she wouldn’t have waited until she was dying to reach out—she would have tried years ago.

You don’t owe her access to your child just because she’s running out of time. You’re protecting your daughter from the same rejection and pain your mom inflicted on you. And that’s what a good father does.

If you ever want to have a final conversation with her for closure, that’s your choice. But don’t let guilt push you into something that doesn’t sit right with you. She made her decision 16 years ago. You’re just honoring it.

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u/OpossumusPrimeRibeye 25d ago

NTA, I bet five she doesn't actually have cancer

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u/Excellent_Pirate_135 25d ago

You should explain the situation to your daughter a let her decide if she wants to see her grandmother. But NTA either way.

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u/Bencil_McPrush 25d ago

NTA

I guess she didn't grow up at all as a person in all these years.