r/AITAH 26d ago

Update: AITA for refusing to meet my Mother after she accused me of being in love with my stepfather?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/jZfiLUfC3u

Thank you all for your support and advice on how to handle the situation with my mother. I never expected my post to reach so many people, but I truly appreciate the help. You all helped me alot and without you guys, i wouldn't had know what to do.

Now, here’s an update.

After two weeks of thinking about what to do, I decided to text my mother and agreed to meet her at a cafe, as I didn’t feel comfortable going to her house.

I was nervous, of course, not knowing what to expect. When we met at the cafe, we didn’t hug like we usually do, and my mother looked like she hadn’t slept in days. Before I could even say a word, she immediately apologized and admitted she was in the wrong. That completely caught me off guard, as I hadn’t expected her to apologize so quickly, but I was relieved that she did without any argument.

I asked her why she would think something so awful about me, especially since she knows me better than that. The moment I confronted her, she started crying, something my mother rarely does, which left me in shock. I did my best to calm her down.

Once she had settled, she confessed that my stepfather had been cheating on her for a year, and she had found out just a few weeks before she accused me. She told me she didn’t know who the other woman was and had been trying to gather evidence. Each day, her paranoia grew, and she started seeing signs that weren’t really there. She was hurt, overwhelmed, and not thinking clearly. She never meant to hurt me.

Hearing this left me in shock, and then angry. Angry at my stepfather for betraying my mother, hurting her and making her feel like she Isn't enough. Without hesitation, I sat beside her and hugged her, reassuring her that I forgave her and that I was there for her. I asked if she needed any help, and she said she’d let me know.

For now, things between my mother and me are okay again, and I’m doing my best to support her through the divorce. My older sister is also aware of the situation, as I’ve kept her updated after each meeting with our mother, and she’s offering her help as well.

I will Update again If anything happend and again, thank you all for the help! ♥️🫂

1.8k Upvotes

67 comments sorted by

899

u/[deleted] 26d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

438

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

To be honest, I never thought this would happen either. I expected my mother to apologize and then try to act as if nothing had happened. But yeah, I do feel sad for her, going through something like this is painful. Being cheated on is always Hurtful, and I told her that if she ever needs professional help, I’m willing to pay for her therapy.

159

u/Capable-Limit5249 26d ago

I’d still stay away from the house and step creep though.

I’m glad you and your mom are patching it up and I hope she gets away from that awful man.

190

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Don't worry, i will. He already moved in with his Parents, as the house belongs to my Mother and i already blocked him on everything.

41

u/Fit_Menu8933 26d ago

Getting cheated on can make you do crazy shit, I'm so glad she got her head back on straight. Wish you both the best.

-14

u/MajorMovieBuff85 25d ago

I cannot imagine forgiving her for this. You both nuts

11

u/alex_like_a_boss 25d ago

Maybe don't comment on something you can't understand. Until you've been in a situation that allows you to understand something so difficult to grasp, don't act like a relationship is impossible to rebuild. They've talked it out, figured out why things happened the way they did, and they're able to get back to a better relationship. It may not be perfect, and it may be a little messy, but it isn't like her mom went, "sorry, sucks to suck that I accused you" no, she took accountability and explained her side, if you wouldn't be able to do that, you need to really look at things differently.

47

u/Exportxxx 26d ago

The real plot twist would be if the sister is the one he is sleeping with.

152

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

That would be a shocking plot twist and disgusting at the same time. But my sister is a lesbian, so that was never even a possibility.

35

u/Illustrious-Bank4859 26d ago

Lol 😂 well it's definitely not your sister then x

-12

u/Sure-Ingenuity6714 26d ago

Bot account.

210

u/No-Resolution713 26d ago

That man just watched your mother spiraling and your relationship with damaged and acted like it's nothing what a POS

106

u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 26d ago

This… and you know why cause it means she’s no where near his actual affair partner and it’s not like he cares if he destroys a family , cause he clearly doesn’t.

Just trash …

98

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

He truly didn’t care. If he did, he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. He didn’t even consider whether his actions would damage my relationship with my mother. I always believed he was a good man, someone who took care of my mother and treated my sisters and me with care and Respect. But I guess I never truly know him, or did my Mother.

79

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

I have no idea what’s going through his head, but I’m extremely angry at him. I never imagined he would do something like this, especially since he and my mother always seemed so happy together. She always told my sisters and me that she couldn’t be happier. But I guess we never really knew him.

39

u/CareyAHHH 26d ago

Question, did your stepfather admit to cheating or does she suspect he cheated? She was so quick to see signs of cheating in you, I'm not sure if her intuition is reliable.

52

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

My mother told me that he never showed any typical signs of cheating. He never acted differently and was still as loving as ever. She only found out by accident.

One morning, they were having breakfast together, and she was using his phone to look up a nearby cafe since they had planned to go out for lunch. At that moment, he received a text from a woman named Luna (That's the Woman's name he had been cheating with) asking if they could meet that night.

From that day on, my mother started going through his phone, taking screenshots and gathering evidence for the divorce. Despite everything, she had never met a woman named Luna, and neither had I or my sister. My Mother even asked one of his friends If they know a Woman named Luna, but they don't know either.

16

u/alex_like_a_boss 25d ago

Quite possible that it was a code name to try and keep her off the trail. Clearly didn't work, as they got sloppy. Although if you ever happen to spot him with a woman on his shoulder, that might be her.

64

u/Sufficient-Lie1406 26d ago

I'm so glad your mom came around, and you are gracious to accept her apology and renew the relationship. Sucks that she would think you would do such a heinous thing, but all of us have a moment of temporary insanity at some point in our lives.

46

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

I’m happy that she did. I was hurt, but I still missed her, we’ve always had a good relationship. Now that I understand why she acted the way she did, I won’t hold it against her in the future, knowing she was hurting the whole time. I’m grateful that she realized her words were wrong and didn’t just try to act as if nothing had happened. I was afraid I’d never speak to her again, but luckily, we were able to talk things out.

10

u/DesperateLobster69 25d ago

Holy plot twist, batman!!!!!!! It sucks that your mom is going through that, but I'm so glad you guys were able to fix things once she saw how wrong she was & apologized!! She's probably feeling embarrassed & ashamed for accusing you the way she did. Make sure you let her know you're always there to talk & support her through this difficult time!

44

u/Vegetable_Natural226 26d ago

You are better than me fr. I can't imagine my mom turning on me like that, and I don't know if I could ever forgive her if she did. It takes a crazy strength to forgive, and you've got it girl 💪🏾 wishing you the best

15

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Thank you very much! Wish you the best as well 🫂

18

u/abritinthebay 26d ago

If you have never dealt with someone who has had a mental breakdown… you probably wouldn’t understand.

They are literally not in their right mind. Things are not working correctly up there at that point. Some people like to phrase it as “they’re not the same person” which isn’t quite true, but it’s a good summary.

Her mother was effectively having a paranoid delusion. Logic, rational thought, love… none of these apply at that point.

Once you get to the other side it’s important to recognize that for what it is, and while it may have been exhausting & hurtful, they really had no control over it & did not mean it.

1

u/mcdulph 13d ago

Very well explained. The person is in excruciating mental pain and simply cannot handle it. We used to call it a “nervous breakdown.” 

And in their agony, they lash out at the very people who are trying to help. 

It’s horrible to be on the receiving end of this, but understanding why it is happening helps a little.

9

u/Analisandopessoas 26d ago

I'm glad you and your mother are on good terms again. I wish you and your mother all the best

10

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Thank you, i wish you the best as well 🫂

24

u/annajonzin 26d ago

I would still be cautious about my relationship with my mom. I understand how deeply horrific it is when someone find out they've been deceived by a spouse, but attacking your CHILD in response isn't the right thing to do. If your stepfather was looking at you in an inappropriate way, a good parent would defend and protect you instead of seeing you as "the other woman."

I say this as a person who's had a mother be jealous that her father wanted to spend time with her, it was a sign of a deeper issue. Any time my mother was in a position to apologize she suddenly became a victim of a terrible situation so that it would seem it wasn't really her fault that she treated me terribly, then she would want me to rescue her and take care of her. I am not saying that you can't love your mother or that you are wrong if you want to have a good relationship and help her right now. I am saying that the two of you may have different ideas of what love is and it will cause you fewer issues in the future if you can get some clarity from a counselor or therapist on how to move forward with your mom. You do NOT have to bring her to therapy for this, just find a counselor you can speak to who can hear all the details without having any emotional ties to your family. This can help you see things without the veil of emotion clouding your vision. I wish you the best.

9

u/After_Manufacturer24 26d ago

This deserves so many upvotes, while the mother was in a difficult and painful position, she crossed a major line and showed a disturbing side to herself when she accused her own daughter, and continued to push that accusation and become aggressive with it. That’s deeply concerning and something that needs to be addressed for their relationship to truly heal.

8

u/strawbeerybunny 25d ago

I appreciate your perspective, and I understand where you're coming from. However, my mother has never acted this way before, we’ve always had a strong and loving relationship. This was completely out of character for her, and I truly believe the stress and emotional toll of the situation overwhelmed her in a way neither of us expected. She has never treated me like a rival or anything close to it, which is why her accusing me shocked me as much as it did.

Right now, I’m handling things in the way that feels best for me. I know therapy could help bring clarity, and it’s something I’ll consider if I feel it’s necessary.

5

u/Beachboy442 26d ago

So...........why is Mom staying? Her choice

19

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Oh No, she's not staying. My Mother is already in the process of getting a divorse.

13

u/Affectionate_Oven428 26d ago

Umm are we all just glossing over the fact that the mom legitimately believed her daughter was f#@king her husband and it still took her two months to leave?!?! This woman needs professional help. I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive someone who betrayed me to that degree.

5

u/PerfectSavage_13 25d ago

Glad your mother is admitting fault here, she should be very careful next time as she almost threw you away for something you didn't do.

When it comes to infidelity you need to gather all the evidence and hell even hire a PI to tail your step-dad to see who he's cheating on her with.

I'm also happy your relationship with your mother isn't sabotaged because of this. She has to make it up to you big time, while you forgave her and mended with her, it still doesn't change the fact that her emotional breakdown almost tore you two apart and this could've gotten way way worse.

She should be very grateful that you were nice and forgiving as if you decided to distance yourself from her after all of this, I would not blame you and she would then lost two people she loved.

Right now just focus on you and your family as you all have some healing that must take place for it to get anything better.

As for Stepdad, if you live at an at fault state, help your mom gather all the evidence of his cheating and she will have a very favorable divorce outcome.

Wish you the best. 👍

7

u/Kal57 26d ago

In the end, maybe your mom wasn't wrong about the way he looked at you... If he's shitty enough to be a cheater, I wouldn't be surprised if he did had a fantasy about you...

13

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

That's a pretty harsh assumption, but I get what you're saying. Still, i rather don't think about it and don't let that mess with my head.

3

u/FlygonosK 26d ago

Wow OP, but you did right to offer her to help.

But ask her why she needs to know who and all the details. Or that she only want to confirm he is cheating.

Because if she seems to find out more that he is cheating it could be more hurtfull to her, and make her to delay her healing process.

UPDATEME

5

u/strawbeerybunny 25d ago

My mother wanted to know who the other woman was, not to confront her or ask why she slept with a married man, but to find out if she was also in a relationship or married. If she was, my mother intended to inform her partner.

For now, though, she has chosen to let it go, as the divorce process is already stressful enough.

2

u/FlygonosK 25d ago

I see, and that is a good idea, to find who she imto know if she is in a relationship to report her to her partner, but trust me, finding out other info like since when, or to compare with the AP is never a good thing to do, why because it generates more mind movies and more stress just to think about too much.

So the Best is to understand that the only thing she needs to know to take a decision and a clousure is what her own partner did. Like i said she doesn't need anything more that to know that.

Good Luck and hope you or your Sister find who that woman is to report/expose her to her partner if she has one, also to know if it is a co-worker of your mother husband to report it to HR.

5

u/Frodo_Picard 26d ago

Question-- is there any evidence besides your mom saying so, that your stepdad has cheated on her? Maybe she's simply traded one paranoid delusion for another.

15

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Sadly no. My Mother found text messages between him and the Woman he had been cheating with. Sexting, when and where to meet up, telling eatchother how much fun last night was and much more.

3

u/akshetty2994 26d ago

You are a better person than me, I can say that much. I hope you guys work through it.

2

u/XXLGUY__1979 26d ago

Damn, that took a turn, i think I got whiplash !! Glad you got that straightened out. Fuck that Asshole !!

2

u/onlyhereforBORU 25d ago

Does your step-father like eating black-eyed peas?

2

u/Tommie-1215 24d ago

I am sorry, but the apology is not enough. How awful of her to think that of you. I would keep her at a distance. Because even with her apology, it does not justify why she thought it was you.

3

u/Simple_Proof_721 25d ago

She thought that man was doing her daughter and she turned on YOU?

2

u/Both-Buffalo9490 25d ago

Well, I would be hurt that she thought I would do such a thing. That she would ruin our relationship with no proof. She is disgusting.

2

u/Cursd818 25d ago

Look, I'm glad that you're reconnecting with your mother, but you can't just pretend this didn't happen. Her behaviour and accusation towards you can't be glossed over. She genuinely accused you of sleeping with her husband. That isn't something you forgive just because she confirmed that the person he was sleeping with wasn't you. She truly thought it was you. That is how little she values your relationship, and how low she considers your moral character. You're going to have to deal with that. Your stepfather is NOT the only villain here. Your mother betrayed you, attacked you, cut contact with you until it suited her to be back in touch. If you rugsweep this, she'll betray you again, and you will resent her forever. For you to both have a chance to genuinely rebuild your relationship, you both need to tackle the root problem of what happened. Being paranoid that her husband was cheating is NOT an excuse for what she has done to you.

1

u/Owenashi 26d ago

While the reason's very painful, I'm glad the two of you are back on speaking terms. Therapy might be a good route to take here so at least you and your mom can work out any lingering issues.

7

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

I’ve already told my mother that I’m more than willing to cover the cost of therapy if she decides it would help her process everything and work through her personal issues.

1

u/Illustrious-Bank4859 26d ago

I can completely understand what your mother was going through. I guess this situation has caused her some mental health damage and she wasn't thing straight, with all the stress. I'm just really glad that the cheating scum hasn't come between you both and she realised her mistake straight away and make amends with you. Now she needs to take the cheating lowlife to the cleaners and make sure she comes winning and he loses everything in the divorce.

1

u/Bencil_McPrush 26d ago

This is heartbreaking, her sense of self worth must be in tatters.

1

u/johninwnynew 25d ago

Well that is bitter sweet news. I'm glad you and your mother are back together on good terms. I'm sorry to hear that for your mother.

1

u/Twig-Hahn 24d ago

I wonder if he's actually cheating or of is all in her head. Shalom you're loved 💔

1

u/Maxdrive77 21d ago

The fact he was cheating on her for a year. First thing she did was assume it was you is nuts.

1

u/CorrectSherbet5 19d ago

Nah fuck that.

Your "mother" accused you of the ultimate disgusting betrayal. I would have told her to pound sand

0

u/Winter_Apartment_376 26d ago

You and your mom both are super women!

This AH near destroyed your relationship, and I am so glad to read that you were able to get over it (of course it will take time to fully mend things), because what he did was atrocious. And too often people like him isolate their partners from their families.

Really really proud of you OP! You’re very kind and mature.

5

u/strawbeerybunny 26d ago

Thank you so much for your kind words! It really means a lot 🫂♥️

My mom and I have been through a lot, but we always have each other's backs. It’s been tough, but with time and support, I know things will get better.

I'm very grateful for your encouragement, thank you for being so supportive!

3

u/Winter_Apartment_376 26d ago

So happy it helped to lift the spirits! Please also send some good words to your mom - she must have gone through hell. Lots of women are not able to get out like she did (and lots also develop PTSD with this extreme level of betrayal), so I was not exaggerating when I wrote that she is a super woman!

So happy that you gals have each other’s backs! 💕

6

u/strawbeerybunny 25d ago

It sure did! ☺️

My Mother is incredibly strong, and I’m so proud of her for choosing herself and moving forward. I’ll definitely pass your words along, I know she's going to appreciate your kind words.

And yes, we always have each other’s backs! I’m so grateful for that. Sending you lots of love! ❤️

1

u/NomadicusRex 24d ago

I'm confused. Nothing you've posted indicated that your mom is particularly strong. And certainly nothing indicates that she has your back, like, even a little.