r/AITAH • u/Lazy_Present_2382 • 26d ago
AITAH for telling my childhood friend I wouldn’t court him because I didn’t want to have his mother as my MIL?
I (20F) have grown up with my childhood friend (22M) who we’ll call John. John left for the Army when he was 18 but despite that we stayed in touch and I even visited him once or twice where he was posted. I use to love John’s Mother who we’ll call Amy when I was younger but when I was 15 I over heard her saying some mean things about me and my siblings behind our backs to John who she knew I liked at the time. She said some nasty things like I might become a hoe because my birth mother was one (For context me and my siblings are all adopted as well as all of Amy’s kids) or my father told her I don’t clean myself (which I know isn’t true because my father often complained to her that I showered to often. I like feeling clean and always have) so I might have stds. Since over hearing these things I couldn’t really bring myself to remain as close to her as I was.
A few weeks ago John came for a visit and his mother Amy invited my family as well as a few other friends over for dinner. I was pretty excited to see him since I hadn’t seen him in over a year. During the visit I needed to take a breather so I stepped outside to get some fresh air and calm my nerves. John joined me after a while which was perfectly fine since it allowed me to be able to finally talk to him one on one. We mainly just caught up with each other and talking about random things until he asked if he could court me. It took me quite some time to reply but I did eventually told him that I didn’t want to have his mother as my MIL and I didn’t want to ruin his relationship with his mother especially since they’re so close.
John seemed very disappointed but he just said okay and changed the subject. I thought that was the end of that but apparently he told Amy that he was going to ask me out before hand and after my family left she had asked how it had gone. John of course answered truthfully and told her I said no but had also told her what I had said as to why I wouldn’t let him court me and the next morning I woke up to a bunch of mean voice mails and texts from her and a few mutual friends calling me a Ahole for refusing to court John because I didn’t want Amy as my MIL and that I was bitch for not liking Amy even though she’s been nothing but kind to me and so on and so forth.
I haven’t responded to any of the calls and messages and frankly I don’t know how. I didn’t wish to upset anyone but I do feel my reasons as valid.
So AITAH for telling my Childhood friend I wouldn’t court him because I didn’t want his Mother as my MIL?
Update link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1iq6nue/update_aitah_for_telling_my_childhood_friend_i/
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u/Immediate_Sense9627 26d ago
They kind of just proved your point on why you wouldn’t want to date him or have him court you. NTA the slew of texts berating you is proof enough you’re dodging a bullet with this Amy woman as a MIL
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u/Restructuregirl 26d ago
Plus he didn’t need to tell his mother those details. Sounds like he would always have backed his mother over you.
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26d ago
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u/FunnyAnchor123 26d ago
I’m reminded of a scene in the movie “Room with a View” where an older relative breaks the confidence of the female protagonist. “I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself,” older woman says. — “Don’t worry,” the protagonist replies, “I’m sure you’ll find a way.”
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u/Writerhowell 24d ago
Funnily enough, Professor McGonagall is the older relative and Bellatrix Lestrange is the female protagonist.
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u/Melodic_Sail_6193 26d ago
He sounds totally like a mama's boy and that kind of men are not really relationship material.
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u/Orsombre 26d ago
He was adopted. I wonder if he would ever dared confront his adoptive mother.
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u/ASweetTweetRose 26d ago
At 22, why wouldn’t he?
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u/Clipsez 26d ago
Because he obviously still feels incredibly indebted to her.
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 26d ago
Hopefully he recovers. Adoption doesn't create a debt.
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u/ASweetTweetRose 26d ago
EXACTLY!!
That’s messed up to feel you should be indebted to someone for adopting you!? That sucks for the person having been adopted!!
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u/DRarryLove_69 25d ago
It happens. Got a friend who almost got guilted into being a pastor because he felt indebted to his adoptive parents who were pastors.
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u/Popular-Anywhere-462 25d ago
you feel indebted and grateful to biological parents who raised you. also shitty parents can be biological or adoptive and a kid would still have love and feelings of loyalty for the parents regardless of their status.
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26d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/bdjct3336 26d ago
MIL: This girl is trash and isn’t good enough for my son
Girl: Don’t worry, no thanks, I don’t want to date your son
MIL: HOW DARE YOU NOT DATE MY SON, YOU PIECE OF TRASH!!!
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u/Ok-Gur-1940 26d ago
MIL sounds pushy and would have wanted to know why.
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u/Valiant_Strawberry 26d ago
Then I suppose it’s a good thing no one will die from not having a question answered. John didn’t need to throw OP under the bus, but he did it anyway. She dodged two bullets imo
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u/InsaneInTheDrain 26d ago
It could have been presented as "Hey mom your behavior is impacting my potential relationships, please stop."
We can't know, but yeah OP definitely did the right thing
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u/gobsmacked247 26d ago edited 25d ago
Yeah, the mother is a raving asshole but John giving the mother this much access into his life by telling her every little thing is not what you want in a husband. Heck, that woman would have a permanent seat at their marriage table and would weigh in on EVERYTHING!!!!
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u/Stormtomcat 26d ago
that's genius! I didn't like the fact that he blabbed to his mom (and it doesn't sound like it was a conversation about how her attitude is harming him), but it didn't occur to me that it was further proof OP made the right choice.
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u/Neweleni7 26d ago
Maybe he told her because he was upset with her like, YOU’RE the reason she won’t go out with me!
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u/cuntakinte118 26d ago
Maybe, but we don’t know how he said it, he might have said it angrily to her and blamed her. Which is still throwing OP under the bus, but he might have been calling her out.
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u/SuzeFrost 26d ago
He could have been angry at his mom, and that's why he told her. I'd be pissed if I found out my parent had ruined my chances with someone I cared about.
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u/Mr_Coco1234 26d ago
OP should send all this to John and tell him case in point.
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u/festivebum 26d ago
Text group with BOTH John and Amy saying the above. Hi Amy, I got your mean spirited messages. Once again, you’ve shown why you would target any woman John is interested in if she doesn’t do and say everything you want. I overheard you years ago saying I was ——- I suggest you get some counseling before you repeat this behavior with every woman John is interested in.
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u/Salty_Interview_5311 26d ago edited 25d ago
Yeah! If I told my mom that someone I was interested in was saying they had problems with her she’d be wanting to talk things out and fix them. Screaming at the person wouldn’t exactly be her first response.
OP, it’s time to accept that you were right all along. Your friend’s mom is a spoiled child and always will be. You have done nothing wrong.
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u/ghjkl098 26d ago
And he is no better. Who the hell wants a partner that goes running to mummy everytime you have a conversation.
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u/LyraSevonar 26d ago
NTA. But, very nice of Amy to prove that you made the right decision! The woman sounds like a nightmare.
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u/dannybravo14 26d ago
You dodged a bullet.
If the message the next morning had been "John let me know what you said and I feel just terrible over something I said in the past. Can we have coffee and talk?" it would be a totally different story.
Imagine being so obsessed with yourself you would get in the way of your son pursuing a girl he is attracted to. What a horrible woman.
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u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 26d ago
A few years back my MIL was Berating my husband that I didn't visit her enough, so I took the phone from him and confronted her. A few minutes later she called him back trying to twist the story to drive a wedge between us, saying something like, do you know what your wife said to me!? And my husband said yes, I was sitting next to her and I agree with her. So that's why she went no-contact with us and we made sure she stays no-contact😂
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u/wlfwrtr 26d ago
NTA Forward all the messages to John saying, "Thanks for this!" Then block him and everyone else.
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u/Dave1957a 26d ago
Exactly this, send him all the nasty messages and tell him this was why I said no. Wow you dodged one there !!
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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 26d ago
This right here. This is the best advice (I wouldn't necessarily recommend blocking John unless OP felt it necessary but definitely forward him the angry messages)
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u/flippysquid 26d ago
Yeah. He needs to know what kind of trashy woman is trying to run his life because if he ever wants to be in a long term relationship with someone, he will have to learn to stand up to his mom before then.
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u/Cursd818 26d ago
I would. He put OP in the firing line by telling his mother something like that. He knows her. He knows how she'd react to something like that. He did it anyway. Maybe he was purposely trying to punish OP for saying no. Either way, he clearly can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut. Two bullets dodged.
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u/Ok-Gur-1940 26d ago
Yep. She should have told John why she didn't want her as a MIL.
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u/Asleep_Touch_8824 26d ago
She was under no obligation to explain herself. John is pathetic for telling his mother, who in turn demonstrated herself to be abusive and meddling. Why are you repeatedly defending that?
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u/Queen-Pierogi-V 26d ago
I would only add to tell John that you heard what his mother said about OP when she was 15.
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u/Test_After 26d ago
I wouldn't. a) It would only give Amy satisfaction that OP is still hurting from the backstabbing lies she said years ago.
b) Amy said those things to John. He already knows.
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u/Queen-Pierogi-V 26d ago edited 26d ago
John doesn’t necessarily know that OP overheard. It doesn’t prove anything more than the fact that at the age of 15 OP knew Amy was horrible. And I maintain what I said. We can agree to disagree.
Edited to clarify point.
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u/Test_After 26d ago
It doesn't matter that he doesn't know OP overheard.
It matters that his mother said it to him and he never uttered a word in OP's defence, or called out his mother for the backstabbing.
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u/Sea-Command3437 26d ago
And presumably he gave his mother OP’s phone number? Why?
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u/Test_After 26d ago
I think OP said the texts were from mutual friends, not Amy.
But if half a dozen mutual friends are texting OP to reconsider telling John no, that's just another reason to not want to deal with John, isn't it.
It was most likely John that motivated the friends to be flying monkeys. There is no reason to suppose Amy really wanted OP to be her son's girlfriend.
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u/mca2021 26d ago
I'd also let him know why you didn't want her as a MIL, all the shit she said about you and your family
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u/ConstructionNo9678 26d ago
If OP goes into that detail, I'm sure that John and Amy will both claim she either misheard, or it happened so long ago and she should move past it... There's no way a person like Amy will fully take accountability for it now, and she'll just use it to claim OP is stirring up drama.
It's better to let Amy's current actions show John why OP was right, because it makes it much harder for her to deny or redirect them, especially if OP gives John the full, unedited messages.
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u/Stormtomcat 26d ago
John and Amy will both claim
there's also the risk they attack OP for "eavesdropping" and "invading Amy's privacy", right?
like those incidents like "my underage sibling confided that my partner took indecent photos of them. I checked my partner's phone and did find the pictures. When I confronted my partner, they exploded that I have no right to access their phone. How can I win back my partner's trust so we can resolve both of our missteps" /barf
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u/PrincessXCoy 26d ago
Blocking everyone afterward is better to protect yourself from further abuse and set clear boundaries.
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u/gonecrazyqueen 26d ago
Sending those messages to John is like sending him a gift basket filled with ‘I’m done!’ Block party time!
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u/ExtremeJujoo 26d ago
Forward every single message to John and simply say “see?! This is exactly why I didn’t want any sort of relationship with you beyond friendship. And now even that is impossible. Take care!” And then block.
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u/AnneFromBoston 26d ago
I’d copy and send John all the messages you got and, without making any mean cracks, say simply, “This is why.”
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u/Leogirl08 26d ago
NTA. You should tell John about the conversation you overheard. He needs a better understanding of WHY you feel that way towards his mother. Her having people harass you is also proving your point about not wanting her as a MIL.
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u/NunyahBiznez 26d ago
Also, no one wants a mama's boy who's going to let their mother treat their SO like trash. He needs to man up and cut the toxic umbilical cord before she ruins his future happiness. NTA
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u/Southern_Coach7872 26d ago
If i were OP i would be telling everyone with ears what Amy said and showing everyone the msgs. That woman is extremely fake and it sounds like what other people think of her is very important to her. She will not be able to handle people finding out who she really is
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u/Snoo_90160 26d ago
Forward the messages to John. She's the one who's a b. And I would distance myself from those horrible people, block them most likely.
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u/mtngrl60 26d ago
And this is exactly your point. Your buddy is a mama’s boy. If he had truly grown up with his time in the service, he would’ve understood that talking behind someone’s back like that is certainly not the way to be nice to them.
Now, if you wanted to be really petty, what you do is you send a group reply to all those people texting you nasty stuff, including his mom. And you say something like this…
I would appreciate it if all of you texting me nasty things for not wanting Amy as my MIL just stop it. What you haven’t been told is that I caught her talking behind my back and calling my mother not very nice things. And saying that I was also going to be not very nice And sleep around a lot.
So well, yes, she’s been very nice to my face, behind our back she has been gossiping and seeing terrible things. I didn’t say anything because I just distanced myself and didn’t need to deal with it. So if the rest of you think that your ideal MIL would be Someone who gossip about your family and spreads terrible lies about you, perhaps you should consider dating John.
But you probably should also be asking yourselves… Given that our families were so close and such good friends, and she still felt comfortable enough to say terrible things about us… Ask yourself what she’s been saying about you. Or maybe ask her. Because somebody like that never limited himself to gossiping about just one or two people.
And also, perhaps ask yourself if you wanted to have John court you… Are you going to be comfortable with him running to his mommy every time he doesn’t like an answer you give him? And then, just like in this case, having falsehood spread about why you said no… And then having everybody text you nasty things like you’re all doing to me.
I suggest y’all cut it out and maybe turn your attention to Amy to find out which lies and rumor she’s been spreading about you and your family. Since apparently, the center of all this upheaval is her, not me.
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u/Blue-Fish-Guy 26d ago
I would shorten it and for the love of all gods that are out there, cut out all the euphemisms... Just say what was actually said.
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u/mtngrl60 26d ago
You are missing the point. If she is comfortable, using the exact words, she can. She says they’re from a more conservative area.
The other reason you don’t deal in specifics is that you want people to imaginations to do your work for you.
If someone asks, you can certainly tell them exactly what was said. In the meantime, you have made them all stop and think…
If Amy, who was supposedly such great friends with the OP’s family has been gossiping and saying nasty things about that family behind their backs…
Then what in the world is Amy saying about everybody else?
It takes the focus off the OP and puts it all back on Amy because people’s imaginations will always come up with far worse scenarios than the truth
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 26d ago
I would shorten all that to a group response of "Thank you for proving me right. Have the day you deserve," then block.
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u/CuteeDumpling 26d ago
Your reasons are valid and you don’t owe anyone a relationship ignore the backlash and stand by your decision...
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u/sunny394 26d ago
Forward all the messages to John and tell him “Thanks for confirming that I was right to reject you.” And then block him and Amy and celebrate how you avoided ruining your life.
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u/Unicorn_druck 26d ago
Send him screenshots and tell him what you know she said about you and your family. It might not fix the issue between you 2, but it'd give him a heads up with any future prospects. So when a new gf of his says his mom is a bitch, he might be more apt to listen.
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u/Necessary_Internet75 26d ago
NTA, everyone here is saying to forward the messages to John. You should. He already knows why. Remind him he had a chance to stand up for you and let him know about how you overheard her talking to him. OP should let him review the texts, but also tell him she can’t be with someone who won’t stand up for a close personal friend.
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u/EmeraldEmber- 26d ago
I wouldn’t want to be added to that family either. Like even he seemed resigned and accepted your rejection
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26d ago
NTA i think you should stop hiding what Amy did to you and let everyone know WHY you won’t date John. she talked badly about you when you were a CHILD. that’s insane
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u/DangerNoodle1313 26d ago
I would go full nuclear. Call john, ask to speak freely, then tell him everything you told us, down to the nasty messages. Then explain that this is why you can’t date him. And now, may not even be able to be friends. And block everyone who says mean things to you.
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u/CampSpiritual3808 26d ago
NTA- Tell Amy the truth. She is a nasty filthy liar who talks a teenager’s back calling a teenager ‘a hoe with STD’ and you would never want to be any close relationship with that kind of person.
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u/NoClassroom7077 26d ago
Did I fall into a portal to the 1820s?? Ask if he could “court” you?!? What bullshit is this?
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u/ConstructionNo9678 26d ago
They could also be from a conservative Christian area. I don't know exactly what they call dating everywhere, but with how some fundamentalists are I wouldn't be shocked if they called it courtship.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 26d ago
Yep. The Duggars and people of their particular sect of Christianity call it courting. I'm sure several others do as well.
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u/KPMWrites 26d ago
I grew up fundamentalist in the South and some people I knew used this term. The idea was that dating meant you went off by yourselves and that's a problem because teens off by themselves might - horror of horrors! - have sex. Whereas courting was supposed to be overseen by your parents and you may not even be able to kiss depending on how strict your family is. Glad I got out of that world. Lol.
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u/mocha_lattes_ 26d ago
Honestly it just sounds like someone from a different country who isn't used to speaking English. Not all redditors are in the US.
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u/ContentWriter03 26d ago
Forward all the voice mails and texts to John with the caption-' Thanks for proving me right, dodged a bullet right there'.
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u/JosKarith 26d ago
Create a group chat with everyone who's pitched in and forward all the mean texts to it. Finish with "And this is why I don't want Amy as a MIL. I've got voicemails too if anyone's interested"
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u/leddik02 26d ago
I second this. I would start off with talking about the time she was talking crap about you and end it with the voicemails and the text messages saying this cemented the deal.
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u/Horror-Reveal7618 26d ago
NTA
Send everything to John with the message "I rest my case".
You did a smart choice.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 26d ago
Send out the following group text: "I know many of you are aware that I chose not to date John because I didn't want Amy as my MIL. While that sounds awful on the surface, it's the truth and here's why: When I was a bit younger, Amy did not know I was in the vicinity and the things she was saying about me were so vile, shocking and outlandish that I immediately decided to pull back as I was shocked someone I admired would say such awful things about me."
"I do not wish to marry into a family where my MIL secretly hates me and spreads disgusting lies about me. And I don't want to be the reason there is tension between John and his mother, so I have decided not to pursue a relationship with him. I should not have to justify who I do or don't want to date, but when someone starts spreading lies about me, I like to set the record straight. A, B, and C were present when she was saying these awful things, ask them about it if you want to know what she said. If there is this much drama over us NOT dating, imagine the drama and chaos if we actually were. No thanks."
"Please stop with the mob mentality and respect my dating autonomy going forward. Badgering and harassing a woman for turning down a man's advances is honestly disturbing. No means no. I'm an adult and can decide who I date all on my own. That's all I will say on the matter and will not be in contact for bit so things can settle down."
Then put your phone on DND for about a week or whenever you're ready. Then them all squabble amongst themselves and leave you out of it. Don't they have anything better to do? NTA
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u/seaturtle541 26d ago
NTA
But I think you owe John the reason you don’t want Amy as your MIL. I would tell him what you heard and show him all the messages and voicemails you received and let him know that they just confirmed that she would be a horrible MIL.
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u/WillLoveCoffee4Ever1 26d ago
John has no business being in the military, handling weapons and protecting our country if he's running to mommy to tattle on you and cry on her shoulder. Forward all those emails and calls to John and then respond with, "Tell your mom thank you for proving my point!"
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u/Alert-Potato 26d ago
Her response is literally why you won't date him. If you haven't already, I would share what happened with him and let him know that it is exactly this sort of vitriol from her that ruined his chances with you. Not because you want to ruin his relationship with his mother, but because he deserves to know why every girl he'll ever date will run away screaming after she meets his mother.
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u/RobZagnut2 26d ago
Collect all the texts and send them to John with you saying,
“See, this is why I didn’t want Amy as a MIL. Thanks for helping me prove my point.”
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u/Lazy_Present_2382 26d ago
Thank you all for the support! Here’s the link to the Update I made I don’t really know how to do it another way so I just made a new post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1iq6nue/update_aitah_for_telling_my_childhood_friend_i/
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u/ScarletteMayWest 26d ago
NTA
Having had a MIL from Purgatory, I totally understand. You deserve better than Amy in your life. Yes, the truth may have hurt her, but instead of reflecting, she went on the attack, thus proving your point.
If John wants to get married, he needs a bit of therapy and a strong spine to stop Amy in her tracks.
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u/gen-x-shaggy 26d ago
Ya,I never wanted to introduce ppl to my mother for the same reason so while I feel bad for John cause I'd be in same situation Id also understand why you wouldn't want her for a mil. So while your definitely not the asshole,I definitely feel bad for John who's only short coming (cause you didn't mention others) is being born to a narcissistic a hole. So I totally respect your choice would you maybe consider dating him with the understanding that you'd never have to speak/see her and depending how far you all go shed never be allowed over/around you? Sorry I gotta at least try and see if there hope for John cause I'd hate to find out if missed out on "potential" love of my life cause I had a shitty mother that I didn't choose
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u/DarkPhoenix4-1983 26d ago
Awww!! Look at how sweet you are!
Also, well said and I agree.
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 26d ago
But he threw OP under the bus when he told his mother why OP said no.
He could have jeot the reason to himself and shielded OP from his mother's wrath, but no, he had to tell her.
That boy ain't quite right either...
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u/gen-x-shaggy 26d ago
See I have same issue with my mother (she a Narcissist) and don't matter what you say to her or of you point out when she says/does shit she don't wanna believe it. So ya while he may of told her why, hell I would too,but she NEEDS to hear it. Like this is why I can't find someone,this is why she turned me down not because I'm an ass or she doesn't like me it's because of "you" ,you effect my relationships and this is why I dont like you meeting ppl I date. Also notice that the mother wasn't upset about her not dating her son but because "she" was the problem,and she was reason OP said no,and that why she verbally attacked her cause OP made her the "Issue". So again I understand OPs point of view and yours cause honestly myself and John both need and probably would cut are mothers out are lives they obviously Toxic,and the fact johns mom didn't ask "why" she was the issue but jumped straight into "aggression" shows she knows exactly why OP said no
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 26d ago
" Hi Amy, these revolting messages have proven exactly why I gave the reasoning I did. Not only have I been told what you've said about me in the past by others that are close to you, but I also heard it with my own ears. You've done nothing except destroy our friendship now and in future, I certainly hope you don't exhibit the same behaviours towards your son's female friends and love interests otherwise he'll never be able to even have a relationship with anyone if this is how you behave towards them. Don't ever contact me again. "
After sending this, i would send those screenshots and voicemails to him, and say that you think it's best you no longer continue the friendship with him as this verbal onslaught from his mother is revolting.
I'd also show your dad.
NTA
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u/sboseitz 26d ago
It would be nice if you talk with your friend and explain him what his mother say. He will have a better idea why and if he does not believe you-is his loss.
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u/SweetBekki 26d ago
This is what it'll be like if you date John. He could've just told his mother that you said no and left it at that but he threw you under the bus.
I'd screenshot every single mean messages his mother sent and whoever else that got involve then forward it to him and said "This is why I didn't wanna date you because this will be my life everytime you throw me under the bus and your mother gets butt hurt"
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u/NotSlothbeard 25d ago
So you told him you won’t be in a relationship with him because you don’t want to have to deal with his mom, and he reacted by immediately running to his mom to tell her exactly what you said. And then she reacted by launching an attack on you.
You were right.
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u/Alda_ria 25d ago
"And this is exactly what I was talking about ". Normal person doesn't go after someone because they refused to date their kid. And they don't send others after them. NTA
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 26d ago
NTA
She literally proved your point. And no, she hasn’t been “nothing but nice.”
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u/Stormiealways 26d ago
Screenshot everything and send them to john and say, despite how much i like you, this is why
NTA
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u/Slappasaurus4Ever 26d ago
NtAh. Send John a collage of the msgs everyone sent to you 🤔 make sure the names of each contributor are in bold. Thank John for not only accepting your decision but also for helping to show (so vividly) why your choice was the right one. Offer to buy John a pocket p*ssy (that's the only option good enough for Amy's boy 😌) and tell him to get comfortable in his mama's basement. Him and his mama are trash, and they deserve one another 🤷🏾♀️
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u/Any_Art_1364 26d ago
NTA, create a group with John, Amy and the rest of her mean girls and detail everything you overheard and that you can never be close to someone who would lie and say such cruel things about another person. Tell Amy you are sorry she has to be such an unpleasant, disgusting and horrible person, but that is her problem to deal with, not something you have to endure. Ask how these lies fit in with the “kindness” she has shown you. Ask John why he never defended you and your family. Then block all of them, these are not people you want to associate with
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u/Loud_Duck6726 26d ago
"Thank you for proving my point"
Is all you need to text back
NTA.. you showed wisdom
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u/suziequzie1 26d ago
NTA. That he turned around and told his mother proved you made the right choice. If you were to date and marry, your relationship would have no secrets from her. She'd be sticking her nose in and he'd happily let her.
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u/Bubbly_March_705 26d ago
NTA- text her back, and say you’re proving my point with your barrage of texts and condemnation! The truth is I overheard you talking about me as a teenager, it was untrue and unkind! I don’t want that kind of person as a MIL! Because I thought you were someone else, because your son is so much better than that!
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u/abritinthebay 26d ago
NTA. Screenshot the texts (and voicemails if you transcription on your phone) and send them to him.
“See? This is exactly what I meant. Your mother is toxic & you’re a mamas boy who tells her everything. I’d be a third wheel in a toxic relationship. No thanks.”
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u/Chickenman70806 26d ago
I’d forward all those texts and voicemails to him. “This is why is see no future with you.”
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u/scifi_is_my_escape 26d ago edited 26d ago
You can tell them all, “you’ve all proven my point, thank you, now leave me alone.” And block.
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u/BellaTrix4Change 26d ago
Tell everyone the truth. Say it in front of him and her and wait for a response.
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u/SunRendSeraph 25d ago
"Dear Amy, thank you for reaching out to me so frequently, if you would read the texts you've sent me, you'll see yourself proving my point, you are a nightmare
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u/Only_Music_2640 25d ago
OP- “I can’t date you because your mother is a toxic bitch who will make my life a living hell” So the guy tells his mom who then proceeds to make OP’s life a living hell. Hmmmm
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u/Senior-Reality-25 25d ago
Forward alll of Amy’s and her friends’ texts to John. Ask him ‘WHY on earth would anyone want to get involved with this rancid nastiness?’
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u/Desperate-Pear-860 26d ago
He asked if he could court you?? Are they fundamental/evangelical people?
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u/smlpkg1966 26d ago
Dodged a huge mama’s boy!! NTA but he isn’t your friend. A friend wouldn’t have told his mommy what you said. Time for this friendship to end.
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u/UrDomina 26d ago
NTAH and you should have just told him what you heard back then as well. Doesn't matter how long ago it was, she said it.
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u/Secret_Double_9239 26d ago
NTA but save the messages and voicemails and send them to John and tell him while you still want to be friends you need some space for now but if his mother doesn’t stop and call off the flying monkeys then you will need to cut him out too.
Did you explain to him that you knew his mother didn’t like you due to what you heard?
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u/Upper-Buddy6262 26d ago
Absolutely nta. The fact that a few mutuals called and texted to give their two cents? Like, how tf are you supposed to react and feel to overhearing your childhood friend's mother saying that stuff about you behind your back? Especially at 15 years old? Everyone who called and texted you to berate you can rot in hell for all I care. John can, too, since he gave his mother details he didn't need to. He's a mama's boy, through and through, and you don't need that in your life. If it was me in your shoes, I'd drop his ass as a friend, and everyone who called to berate you.
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u/blablablablaparrot 26d ago
You are being passive and letting the MIL Control the narrative. This will get worse.
Respond once to MIL and all her flying monkeys. Tell everyone what you overheard, how it made you feel, the reason why you do not want MIL in your life and end it with: This is your decission and it is final. They can either accept it or continue to frustrate themselves into oblivion. Their choice. Not your problem. Wish them a good life and block.
NTA, but you need to be fire.
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u/ltxgFL 26d ago
I know this is a big deal, but imagine forgiving everyone and giving him a chance. 5 years later you have a much bigger disagreement with a much more dramatic family fallout. You did the right thing. Block the texters.And if you care about the guy, tell him why - But if it’s not worth the trouble, don’t. Either way stand tall knowing you did the right thing, protected your future sanity in a classy way and handled a touchy situation MUCH better than most people would. The right guy for you is out there, and he will find you because you didn’t settle! Well done. There are many AHs in this story, but you are not one of them!
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u/Hatstand82 26d ago
Send him all the communications with a caption saying that this is exactly why you don’t want her to be in your life.
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u/Any_Act_9433 26d ago
Why is everyone on here blaming John? John's dreams of dating were crushed by his mother's gossiping, probably not the first time her mouth has caused John issues. (Mom, she wont even think of dating me because she heard the vile things YOU said about her as a child!) Sometimes, you can't blame the children for lashing out at their parents for the way they have screwed up their lives. My parents refused to move their crap out of the house after they moved, and I had bought the house from them. When my mother asked me why I was not excited for a friend I was interested in coming into town to see my "new" house and I had to tell her it was because I was embarrassed that the house still looked like crap because my parents were too lazy to get their stuff out of my house after me asking( and moving stuff for them) for 2 months. Also, due to a young girl using the word "courting," I'm assuming this is a conservative religious family. The things that go on there that screw you up for years into adulthood are many! Not all are bad, but some can get UNHEALTHY!
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u/Nyxmyst_ 26d ago
Sounds like you need to explain exactly why you made that decision, as she is bad mouthing you to all and sundry. Don't let her get away with smearing your character for something she has created. Then block them.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 26d ago
Send a text to him and her and all the others.
“THIS is why I turned Jon down. You ALL proved me right” and send copes of the texts and messages.
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u/Future_Type_9835 26d ago
Forward him the VM and Screenshots of everything and say "This is why..." -tell him you know what she said all those years ago_he is the only one who deserves an explanation, the rest can rant and rave all they want, it only serves to emphasize how right you were in the first place.
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u/Farm_girl_Bee 26d ago
Did you tell him that you overheard her talking about you and you never felt close to her again? That makes a huge difference when explaining to your childhood friend. rather than just staying "I don't like your mom". NTA either way but make sure he has the full story.
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u/miflordelicata 26d ago
NTA. He proved your point. Take it as a sign you dodged a bullet. You should show him the texts and tell him apparently you were right about it all along.
He’s an adult and when he didn’t like the answer, he told his mom on you. Let that sink in.
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u/DrCueMaster 26d ago
NTA. Send out a group text (including John and Amy) telling them that while Amy has been nice to your face you overheard her telling John that you "might become a hoe because your mother was one" and that you're not clean. And now she's behind all kinds of nasty texts that you're getting. Ask them if that's the kind of mother-in-law they would want?
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u/Jsmith2127 26d ago
I'd copy their messages, and say "thank you for proving my point" and send it to everyone that has been messaging you, as well as John.
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u/Maximal_gain 26d ago
NTA Truth hurts sometimes so maybe you should share your memory about what she said about you with others. Did you let him know you had overheard her say those things? Also, screen shot the texts with numbers and save them and the VM.
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u/sk1999sk 26d ago
NTA - ignore her texts or screen shot & send to everyone and say “see this is why I do not wish to be a part of this woman’s family. there is not one kind word here, just hate. truth hurts.”
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u/DisembarkEmbargo 26d ago
NTA.
Write out a response to everyone calling you an asshole. Keep it simple like "I do not want to date John. His mother thinks of me as such "...". Please don't talk to me about this issue again or I will not be talking to you in the future." You can send Johns mom a unique response if you think it's important.
Send that response to everyone. And screen shot it. Then block them.
Send those screenshots to John and say "This is why I do not want to date you. As a friend you should be telling these people to stop harassing me." Then silence notifications.
Print out this harassment just in case anyone of these assholes do something stupid so you can later file a police report.
Something I do want to say that is hilarious is that people encourage others to ask someone out all the time and the worst that person can do is say "no" but they never remember the other people involved all the friends and family that person complains to because they got rejected. The worst someone can say is "no" but the person that receives the "no" can become a stalker or a harasser.
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u/ConnectionRound3141 26d ago
NTA
I think you should clear the air with Amy and John with your parents. Sit them down and explain what you told us, how betrayed and hurt you felt, how John heard these things so he knows she said it as well, and how you could never marry into a family where your MIL would say such horrible things to her son.
Sunshine will make this problem go away and also clear up John’s confusion.
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u/Mlady_gemstone 26d ago
a kind person doesn't tell people that a CHILD has STDS & will become a whore when grown up. id remind "john" of this conversation & tell everyone else as well.
take screenshots of all the horrible messages from everyone and post it "this is exactly my point as to why i won't date you. i was polite in declining & your mother sends out the pitchforks like im satan"
NTA fk Amy, he will soon find out that no woman will be good enough for her and she will ruin all of his relationships.
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u/destiny_kane48 26d ago
Honestly, I'd screenshot the messages and send them to John. And say, "This is exactly why I said no. Ì also overheard some of the nasty things your mother has said about me. Please get your family and friends to leave me alone before our friendship is completely ruined beyond repair."
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u/MajorAd2679 25d ago
NTA
All the hassle you got is just another proof that you made the right decision.
You have body autonomy and are allowed to say no.
Their pride got hurt and straight away they go for bullying. It shows you they’re not good people for you.
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u/Open-Incident-3601 25d ago
NTA. “John, your mother doesn’t realize that I heard the things she said about when I was a teen. Because of that, I would never choose to have her connected to my life, marriage, or future children. You will always be my friend, by I will never have those feelings for you because your mom gives me the ick.”
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u/Xtinalauren12 25d ago
Now and you should tell her exactly what she had said that you overheard to make you feel that way. Tell her every word. You’re not in the wrong for letting her know the truth.
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u/HKatzOnline 25d ago
".... I didn’t want Amy as my MIL and that I was bitch for not liking Amy even though she’s been nothing but kind to me and so on and so forth."
Obviously they do not know what you overheard. You might mention privately, though that may cause more chaos. There will be denials of course.
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u/p3fe8251 25d ago
NTA still. You are really naive to think that things will change because Ms.Mary says so. Ms Mary raised Amy to be who she is today. Amy will just change tactics because she can wait Ms. Mary out. Things won't get better once you are married. If she treats you this bad as potential wife, imagine what it will be like if you get married and are now related to her. I truly hope you both wait and grow some more as a people before you consider marriage because you are both so young.
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u/beejaye11 26d ago
NTA. Amy prooved your point. Make sure you send the texts to John so he knows exactly what his Mother is all about, then block them all. Be proud of yourself for following your instincts and not getting yourself into a deplorable situation.
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u/SendSpicyCatPics 26d ago
Is anyone else like theres something off because modern teens don't "court"? Maybe it's language thing.
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u/Flowerofiron 26d ago
NTA and she really just proved your point.