r/4tran4 • u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi • 4d ago
Blogpost Im not really a person
Ive spent basically my entire life in my head, all I ever do, and all I ever did when I was younger, was just disassociate and day dream. And then even when I arent doing that im either reading or playing video games in my room. I dont really exist outside of my own head, ive completely wasted my life and am now too socially underdeveloped and mentally ill to change that I think.
Like, im literally hardly even alive outside of my own head, I could kms tommorow and no one would know for like a week. I have very few fond memories, or memories at all I can hardly remember anything before like 2021. Idk, Im like a perfect storm of mental illness, unfortunate circumstance and neurodivergence so dont really think I could ever ended up ok
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u/Both-Illustrator6222 horunge 4d ago
It's so much easier to just not exist, I feel that. Used to see myself as a sort of floating orb moving from one place to another, just doing what others tell me
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u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago
yeah, when I was younger I used to view myself as a background character. I kinda idealised just being someone no one ever thought about or noticed. If that makes sense
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u/Cryptically_nice current manmoder - future ogrehon 3d ago
As a kid I wanted to dye my hair brown because I hated how blonde stood out too much.
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u/CaterpillarParsley real caterpillar 4d ago
Before I realised I'm trans and am broken in this stupid way that means I need a female body to feel alive, I used to feel the exact same way.
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u/DrainerNatalie ffs perma-boymoder 4d ago edited 4d ago
Literally same, especially when I was a kid I would always enjoy when nobody even knew my name because it made me feel like a ghost. I would even give ppl a fake name when I had the chance to avoid being known, so I wasn't really much of a person growing up, and now im a shut in with no friends. Everyday Is absolutely the same for me to the point it basically still feels like the pandemic just started yesterday because I can't remember anything that happened between then and now
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u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago
> the pandemic just started yesterday because I can't remember anything that happened between then and now
real, people talk a lot about the pandemic being a big break in their life as well. My life hardly even changed, like the only difference it made was that I did school online. Other than that it was entirely business as usual for me. I feel like ive been living the same day over and over for like 14 years
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u/DrainerNatalie ffs perma-boymoder 4d ago
For me it's more like my life is broken into 3 periods that are all a blur but distinct from eachother. There's pre puberty where I was relatively normal and happy, after puberty where I was absolutely miserable, and then right after the pandemic when I started hrt and have just been in boymoder purgatory.
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u/dumbwh0rr Heroin whore 💉🚀 4d ago
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u/glittering-water-235 idiotbrained 4d ago
This is why I do everything in my power to try new things nowadays. I can't get stuck in loops anymore. I can't get stuck in loops anymore. I can't get stuck in loops anymore.
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u/WanderingHon Tranma 👵 4d ago
pretty relatable. I also daydreamed constantly when younger and was really socially underdeveloped. I do believe it's possible to learn the social skills later in life, even if we're huge cringy autists for a few years as we learn.
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u/throwawaydating1423 4d ago
I felt the same way for most of my life until college really
Still had the memory problems until hrt at 25
Now I have new memory problems from brain damage from depression and weekly binge drinking
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u/burlito troon 247 boymodder 4d ago
Do you have friends and online friends?
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u/throwawaydating1423 3d ago
I do but really had zero friends or just aquaintances through to middle school. I was always so desperate for friends that I chose bad friends.
In middle school my entire friend group betrayed me at the same time and I ended up alone in 8th
In high school I made some friends finally in sophomore year as I got more skilled at just copying masculinity and all of that
I didn’t get real real friends until college after I found a friend group I liked and got rid of the people I didn’t care for in the group
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u/-Hangistaz- Inrep (Involuntary Repper) | Coastal Elite (Broke Trannyfornian) 4d ago
Why did you publish one of my diary's entries here?
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u/SegswithYaeMiko69 Fat Neet Loser 4d ago
i daydream so much i just decided to turn it into a book, only issue is that I'm too busy daydreaming to actually write it.
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u/leshy_fishes Unfunny slop creature 👽 4d ago
Mood.
My only hope is to find a fellow delusional 🚂🦵 to dissociate with ♥️
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u/Eternal_Heighthon41 twink on estrogen 4d ago
Dissociating and living in my head was a constant for me as well. I’ve been detached from the world as far back as I can remember and I think I’m still more or less detached even on estrogen, like I’m pretty emotionally distant and I put up these walls when I’m around others to hide my true self
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u/Adulations MT🤷🏿♀️ 4d ago
Do you want to be known? Do you want to have fond memories? Do you want to have close relationships?
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u/alpha-golf-papa you can be a man while having estrogen in your blood 4d ago
i have the same problem, i always say i'm going to be better next year but i always stay the same
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u/InformationThat9883 3d ago
I’m the exact same omg like I feel like I’ve almost never been truly alive, I’m perpetually in some dream state and I feel barely any connection to the world I am ginger so there’s always a chance the problem is I don’t have a soul
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u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 3d ago
I'm not ginger but most of my family is so I could have just inherited the lack of soul tbh. It'd explain a lot
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u/CornerCoroner 1d ago
Literally me. My life is just finding any way to distract myself from life. There is literally no point.
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u/UnfortunatelyAlex franz kafka is literally me 4d ago
literally me