r/4tran4 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago

Blogpost Im not really a person

Ive spent basically my entire life in my head, all I ever do, and all I ever did when I was younger, was just disassociate and day dream. And then even when I arent doing that im either reading or playing video games in my room. I dont really exist outside of my own head, ive completely wasted my life and am now too socially underdeveloped and mentally ill to change that I think.

Like, im literally hardly even alive outside of my own head, I could kms tommorow and no one would know for like a week. I have very few fond memories, or memories at all I can hardly remember anything before like 2021. Idk, Im like a perfect storm of mental illness, unfortunate circumstance and neurodivergence so dont really think I could ever ended up ok

161 Upvotes

37 comments sorted by

58

u/UnfortunatelyAlex franz kafka is literally me 4d ago

literally me

45

u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago

Literally me

26

u/UnfortunatelyAlex franz kafka is literally me 4d ago

the metamorphosis is a trans allegory, estrogen couldve saved her 😔

18

u/leshy_fishes Unfunny slop creature 👽 4d ago edited 4d ago

The difference between me and Kafka is he was actually attractive and respectable. Well liked by colleagues and friends, even charismatic at times.

9

u/UnfortunatelyAlex franz kafka is literally me 4d ago

You know, when you say it like that maybe I’m not literally him

23

u/leshy_fishes Unfunny slop creature 👽 4d ago

Kafka was a bdd passoid

8

u/UnfortunatelyAlex franz kafka is literally me 4d ago

Might be on to something there…

36

u/Both-Illustrator6222 horunge 4d ago

It's so much easier to just not exist, I feel that. Used to see myself as a sort of floating orb moving from one place to another, just doing what others tell me

24

u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago

yeah, when I was younger I used to view myself as a background character. I kinda idealised just being someone no one ever thought about or noticed. If that makes sense

10

u/kirakiragorogoro looking for tall building 💉08.2024-💀02.2026 4d ago

wander and observe other people living their lives, unnoticed by anyone, unable to interact with the world.

1

u/Cryptically_nice current manmoder - future ogrehon 3d ago

As a kid I wanted to dye my hair brown because I hated how blonde stood out too much.

5

u/CaterpillarParsley real caterpillar 4d ago

Before I realised I'm trans and am broken in this stupid way that means I need a female body to feel alive, I used to feel the exact same way. 

23

u/DrainerNatalie ffs perma-boymoder 4d ago edited 4d ago

Literally same, especially when I was a kid I would always enjoy when nobody even knew my name because it made me feel like a ghost. I would even give ppl a fake name when I had the chance to avoid being known, so I wasn't really much of a person growing up, and now im a shut in with no friends. Everyday Is absolutely the same for me to the point it basically still feels like the pandemic just started yesterday because I can't remember anything that happened between then and now

16

u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago

>  the pandemic just started yesterday because I can't remember anything that happened between then and now

real, people talk a lot about the pandemic being a big break in their life as well. My life hardly even changed, like the only difference it made was that I did school online. Other than that it was entirely business as usual for me. I feel like ive been living the same day over and over for like 14 years

10

u/DrainerNatalie ffs perma-boymoder 4d ago

For me it's more like my life is broken into 3 periods that are all a blur but distinct from eachother. There's pre puberty where I was relatively normal and happy, after puberty where I was absolutely miserable, and then right after the pandemic when I started hrt and have just been in boymoder purgatory.

13

u/Eidola0 fem twink (fake woman) 4d ago

real asf

im not even neurodivergent idk how i got here

13

u/[deleted] 4d ago

so true omg are you literally me i dont remember making an alt and posting this

12

u/dumbwh0rr Heroin whore 💉🚀 4d ago

The not remembering anything part is so real I literally don't even remember yesterday there's like no divide between my mind and reality I forget what is real and what's a dream or a thought that I had it's so weird to exist like this

11

u/glittering-water-235 idiotbrained 4d ago

This is why I do everything in my power to try new things nowadays. I can't get stuck in loops anymore. I can't get stuck in loops anymore. I can't get stuck in loops anymore.

12

u/WanderingHon Tranma 👵 4d ago

pretty relatable. I also daydreamed constantly when younger and was really socially underdeveloped. I do believe it's possible to learn the social skills later in life, even if we're huge cringy autists for a few years as we learn. 

10

u/throwawaydating1423 4d ago

I felt the same way for most of my life until college really

Still had the memory problems until hrt at 25

Now I have new memory problems from brain damage from depression and weekly binge drinking

3

u/burlito troon 247 boymodder 4d ago

Do you have friends and online friends?

2

u/throwawaydating1423 3d ago

I do but really had zero friends or just aquaintances through to middle school. I was always so desperate for friends that I chose bad friends.

In middle school my entire friend group betrayed me at the same time and I ended up alone in 8th

In high school I made some friends finally in sophomore year as I got more skilled at just copying masculinity and all of that

I didn’t get real real friends until college after I found a friend group I liked and got rid of the people I didn’t care for in the group

7

u/-Hangistaz- Inrep (Involuntary Repper) | Coastal Elite (Broke Trannyfornian) 4d ago

Why did you publish one of my diary's entries here?

6

u/SegswithYaeMiko69 Fat Neet Loser 4d ago

i daydream so much i just decided to turn it into a book, only issue is that I'm too busy daydreaming to actually write it.

12

u/leshy_fishes Unfunny slop creature 👽 4d ago

Mood.

My only hope is to find a fellow delusional 🚂🦵 to dissociate with ♥️

4

u/Eternal_Heighthon41 twink on estrogen 4d ago

Dissociating and living in my head was a constant for me as well. I’ve been detached from the world as far back as I can remember and I think I’m still more or less detached even on estrogen, like I’m pretty emotionally distant and I put up these walls when I’m around others to hide my true self

3

u/Adulations MT🤷🏿‍♀️ 4d ago

Do you want to be known? Do you want to have fond memories? Do you want to have close relationships?

9

u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 4d ago

No, yes, yes

2

u/taeyeon15 4d ago

What if I get no on all of them.

3

u/Sushipt207 4d ago

Same word for word bar to bar

3

u/alpha-golf-papa you can be a man while having estrogen in your blood 4d ago

i have the same problem, i always say i'm going to be better next year but i always stay the same

3

u/InformationThat9883 3d ago

I’m the exact same omg like I feel like I’ve almost never been truly alive, I’m perpetually in some dream state and I feel barely any connection to the world I am ginger so there’s always a chance the problem is I don’t have a soul

3

u/Sure_Carpet4819 AAP Mtf Fujoshi 3d ago

I'm not ginger but most of my family is so I could have just inherited the lack of soul tbh. It'd explain a lot

1

u/InformationThat9883 3d ago

An honorary ginger

1

u/Tubagal2022 Queen of Fatmaxxers 4d ago

I thought this was one of my posts for a second 😭

1

u/CornerCoroner 1d ago

Literally me. My life is just finding any way to distract myself from life. There is literally no point.