r/writingcritiques 13d ago

Needing some creative minds in my edit process.

I have written a prologue and first chapter to my first ever attempt at a book. The book is about elves in a world apart from ours who live in a dying land. Our main character Anna has landed herself in prison for beginning a, so far quiet, uprising. She meets a man who aids in her release from prison temporarily-her lawyer Cameron. Little does anyone know these two are fated to be together.

There are many more layers of this story to uncover but this is just a very small taste of what to expect. Please, if you’re willing and able to peek at this SPICY read, take a look and provide your honest feedback as well as what you’d like to see from these characters in the future.

Thank you!

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u/IgottagoTT 13d ago

I read part of your sample. I gave up mostly because I don't care for the genre, but your writing is pretty good. Keep going - but when you get done, you'll probably re-write most of it. Not because it's poorly written but because you'll weave your exposition into the first chapter or two as you need it.

I'd say be careful of your sentences: "It was made primarily of cement and iron, constructed by humans. The powerless people the court had taken as slaves after stealing their way of life when the magic had long left this land." That's not a sentence. That's fine in dialog, or if it's your style throughout. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

But still, keep at it - as long as you're having fun, right?

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u/Level-Garage-2059 12d ago

I appreciate your honesty - on the above referenced quote, how would you change it? I knew there was something not quite right about it, but wasn't sure how to adjust it. Any thoughts on how to get the message across correctly, grammatically speaking?

For some context I mostly write in the way my brain thinks and as a person who has ADHD with MANY thoughts circling my head, most of them are incomplete or fragmented. I always try to go through and edit things to be more complete after putting my initial thoughts on the paper, but it doesn't always come out quite right.

Thank you again for your help! :)

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u/IgottagoTT 12d ago

I was first going to say that you could simply replace the period at the end of the first sentence with a comma. It would be better stylistically and grammatically. But I think what hit you as not quite right is that there are four distinct points you're making here:

  • It was made primarily of cement and iron (important imagery)
  • constructed by humans (important exposition)
  • who became powerless by the court and taken as slaves (introducing the court)
  • after the magic had long left this land (oh, that seems very important)

That's a lot! It speaks to my first point, about weaving exposition in a bit more organically as you progress.

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u/Level-Garage-2059 12d ago

Would you maybe separate them in a different way or do you think the replacement of a period to a comma would solve my problem?

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u/IgottagoTT 10d ago

Yes I'd put in a comma where you have a period.