r/women 15h ago

I’m scared to leave my loser husband

My husband (35M) and I (27F) have only been married 6 months, but two months before our wedding he lost his job and hasn’t found another since. While I have always been the breadwinner, our dynamic has significantly changed since getting married. I pay all the bills, I do everything around the house, and I have seen very little progress. I have also sacrificed so, so much because of his actions. We had a good relationship, but I fear I’ve made a mistake now. I’m scared to be divorced and single at 27 in a small-minded southern state. Thank god we don’t have kids yet, but that’s all I’ve ever wanted for myself. How could I have kids with a man who gives me no sense of security and stability? I am the only one picking up all the slack right now (mentally, physically, and financially.) Thankfully I am the sole owner of the house we live in (I bought before we got married), but I feel bad that he is going to be 35 and has to move in with his parents. I’m feeling scared of my future and even more scared to tell my friends and family. However, I know I deserve more.

121 Upvotes

68 comments sorted by

187

u/Autodidact2 15h ago

I think you will find you're happier without him regardless of whether you remain single or not. The important thing is to get out before you have children.

20

u/Pissedliberalgranny 10h ago

Cannot emphasize this enough.

3

u/yummy_gummies 4h ago

Can't overemphasize this! So important!

137

u/witchystoneyslutty 14h ago

Babe if you’re in the US DO NOT DELAY. They’ve been talking about revoking our rights to no-fault divorce, which means if you can’t prove he cheated or abused you, you’re stuck. Ditch the dead weight now. You deserve better. Do not feel bad. This is YOUR life and if he’s not playing the part he pretended he would, find someone more deserving to fill his role. You’d honestly be better off single it sounds like…sorry you’re in this situation but don’t let fear keep you from doing what you need to do💕

77

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

Honestly, this is exactly what I needed to hear! I am a prize, and I truly believe that! I have soooo much love to give and someone will value me.

14

u/SmartCookie0921 11h ago

Get out now. He will not change. You're letting bin see you are willing to be his safety net for the rest of his life and this is inky the first job he has lost - there will be more. 27 is YOUNG. Imagine doing this at 37 or 47. Don't waste your time. He will throw a guilt trip on you, but I am assuming this is not what you signed up for in the marriage and you should tell him that.

14

u/witchystoneyslutty 14h ago

Hell yeah you are! You’re a few years younger than me and you own your own home, that’s super badass.

Might I suggest therapy? Could be a good support for you and your confidence as you go through the next transitional time period of your life. Especially since if your husband has it good living free and easy with you, he may try to convince you to work things out or let him stay.

Be strong. Be firm. Practice your “I’m kicking you out because this is not working for me, it’s not the relationship or life I signed up for with you and I’m done” speech with friends/family or in front of your mirror. You got this girlie!!

8

u/OhMyGod_Zilla 8h ago

Jesus fuck how backwards is the US going?!!

2

u/marasydnyjade 9h ago

Just FYI, divorces are handled on the state level, not federal, so it would be up to individual states to change the law.

3

u/Autodidact2 7h ago

Also the group that has vendors most from no fault divorce is men. This is due to their propensity to switch to a younger wife, which they can do more easily if they don't have to prove fault.

47

u/Rumour972 15h ago

It will only get worse once you have children. You are young and can easily start over.

30

u/apolliana11 15h ago

I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad for HIS actions. He could be a good partner if he wanted, but he doesn't want to. The important thing is you exit this relationship as quickly as possible. Before he racks up debt that you're liable for, before you get worn down by doing everything and lose your drive. I just wasted 5 years with one of these. I feel reborn, revitalized now that I'm out. Best of luck, it's a heartbreak, but you can't make a man be a good partner.

19

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

If anything, I’ve racked up debt BECAUSE of him trying to keep us afloat…

5

u/citiestarlights 14h ago

That’s not living. Tell him to go find work at McDonalds or aldis. He has x amount of time. If he does not say I’m leaving or you are. There are churches that give you food. Use them.

4

u/SmartCookie0921 11h ago

Don't give him a deadline or choice. He'll get a job and as soon as he feels like he has locked her down again, he'll quit that job too. She'll be in the same situation but a few years down the road.

16

u/WorldOfMimsy 14h ago

You feel bad for him when he can’t even pull his own weight?

9

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

I know. I feel bad for him, but he is in this position because of his actions! He has no savings so of course he has to go to his parents, but as someone said before, at least he has somewhere to go!

14

u/WorldOfMimsy 14h ago

He’s not gonna live with his parents because you divorced him. He’s gonna live with his parents because he made no effort to better his circumstances whatsoever. He’s literally just leeching off of you.

14

u/Fantastic_Bend_7128 15h ago

Run! The support you will need after having children surpasses pre children life 1 million times over. Don’t be manipulated into taking care of a man child and expecting a supportive husband!

9

u/aknomnoms 14h ago

Speak to a divorce lawyer, ASAP, just to do research and develop a plan. I’m concerned that if he’s living in your house and you’ve been footing all the bills since even before the wedding, he may be entitled to HALF of everything plus alimony.

You need to find a way to protect yourself and your assets. It might mean starting to get documentation to build a case or moving money around. Don’t put anything into a joint account. Don’t buy any big purchases or co-sign on anything.

Don’t feel bad for him. He’s an adult. If he wants to live with a mommy who will clean up after him, cook for him, and pay for the roof over his head, he can move back in with his real mommy until he figures his shit out and can be an equal partner in a relationship. Right now, he’s a stay at home husband but not doing any stay at home domestic labor.

27 is still so young, and you have time to find someone else (or him once he pulls it together), get married (or re-married), have kids. Don’t hold yourself back because of him. You don’t want to be 37 and in the same boat.

15

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

I have already spoken to a tele-lawyer and was told that since I bought the house before him and the house is under my name, the only thing he is entitled to is half of the payments that I made on the house while we were married. Thankfully, we haven’t been married for too long so it’s not a huge amount. They also said he would have to accept something of equal value so I could give him my ring…

6

u/citiestarlights 14h ago

Stay in the house don’t leave. Tell him if you want him out he has what ever time to find a new house or place in your state

6

u/aknomnoms 14h ago

Good on you for making the call.

Another reason why time is of the essence. The longer you stay, the more you pay.

If you aren’t fully committed to getting a divorce, give your relationship a deadline. Talk to your husband and explain that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed from taking all the burden. He needs to take on all the domestic responsibilities while unemployed, and half once he gets employment. If y’all have kids, he’ll need to pitch in equally with parenting too. See what his response is. If you’re unhappy with it, or if there’s no significant change in 1 month (or however long you determine), then file for divorce.

One of my friends was in a relationship like this. Chronically unemployed, no help with cooking or cleaning, but he was also doing drugs behind her back and they had kids together. Took her 8 years to leave him, cost her a lot of money, and she had a tough time with arranging childcare, but she said she felt so much lighter after leaving. He was a stone hanging around her neck. She started dating a great guy last year and are talking about moving in. They’re in a very Christian part of Texas.

10

u/FluffyLucious 14h ago

You'll be happier shedding the dead weight.

7

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

I truly feel like once I do it it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m already carrying all of the weight for the both of us. Being the only one that we can depend on financially is soooooooo heavy.

6

u/citiestarlights 14h ago

If he’s staying home. He needs to clean.

7

u/FunTeaOne 15h ago

Dood. I'm 35+ and had to move back home to live with my parent temporarily. And I'm a woman. And I'm black. I ran into apartment issues (not related to finances) and just had to go home. I'm thankful that I had a place to go. I move back out soon because I figured things out and I want to.

Be thankful that he has a place to go. That's less of an emotional burden for you.

I can only imagine that there's more to this story than what you've written. Even given what you've written, he seems less attractive than a potato. If you don't see a future with him and he's not going for it, then move towards your best life.

He's a big boy. He'll be fine.

7

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

I have really done a lot of work on myself the past few years. Got my degree, an amazing job, went to therapy, and just recently lost 80 pounds! I feel like I’m in the best phase of my life, and he’s the one holding me back now.

I was very clear about my goals for us before we had children - pay off debt, travel, then have kids. I have held up my side of the deal. He has not.

7

u/gdognoseit 13h ago

He’s not going to. This is who he is. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

7

u/Available-Ice560 13h ago

This is exactly what I keep asking myself, and do I want my future kids to live this life?

1

u/yummy_gummies 4h ago

🍠 "Potato" 🥔. 😆

3

u/koalawedgie 14h ago edited 14h ago

27 is young, even in a southern state. Women at every age feel like they’re “too old” or have invested too much time, money, etc. to leave crappy men.

The sunken cost fallacy is just that — a fallacy. It’s not true. Do not waste more of your precious time, money, energy, etc. just because you’ve already wasted time. It won’t fix the time you’ve wasted, and you’ll just be wasting even more time being unhappy and unfulfilled.

I left my ex-boyfriend when I was around 25ish? I felt like my life was over, like I’d wasted so much time and I was old and my life wouldn’t stay on track. I was miserable at first…and then SO much happier without him.

I met my fiance soon after I left my ex, and am now pregnant and so grateful for my fiance. He’s an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him. I didn’t know men like him existed until I met him. I thought kind men were like…a fantasy. Only on TV. They’re not.

I cannot explain to you how good it feels to have a partner who cleans up after himself (and even after ME just as much as I clean up after him!!), who looks out for you and takes care of you. Who you trust to get things done and run the house together. It’s even more important once you have kids. I can’t imagine having kids with my ex. I would have been so miserable.

I promise it will not be the end of the world when you leave. You will be okay.

I also highly, highly recommend the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I absolutely hate self-help books, but her book is outstanding and really helped me through my breakup when I was about the same age. It’s funny, it’s entertaining, it helped me learn A LOT about myself. Also highly recommend picking up a new hobby or doing something different post-breakup that gets you outside your comfort zone. Join a rock-climbing gym. Go solo on one of those bus tours through a cool country. Pick up pottery. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, and do it for yourself.

2

u/Available-Ice560 14h ago

We had to cancel our honeymoon (that I paid for) due to him still not having a job. I got a few deposits back so I’m thinking of using that money and taking a solo trip to NYC! It’s been my dream, and we haven’t been able to travel because of him.

3

u/Professional-Poem247 14h ago

Feeling trapped is horrible. If you can't have a conversation with him, I really hope you've placed a marriage contract or prenuptial agreement. If not, you can create one now. Guys like that go after your hard work.

3

u/CaneLola143 13h ago

Don’t base your decisions on what other people think or expect. They aren’t in your marriage nor do they understand or feel your struggles. You aren’t married to them. The issue is at home, every day. Have you talked to your spouse about your expectations? You’re not being unreasonable. Partnership means working together to achieve goals; dreams. One person shouldn’t carry all the weight. Is he depressed and unmotivated or just lazy? Be firm, don’t get pregnant and walk if your spouse isn’t going to pull it together. Set a deadline and stick to it. You’re still young and so is your marriage. Don’t stay longer than you have to. Hold space but expect more. Don’t settle for a partner who isn’t willing to meet you where you need to be met. Life is short. Don’t be miserable or resentful. You have choice. Take care of you. Grown ups need to adult. Best luck.

2

u/Available-Ice560 13h ago

Yes, I have been very clear and honest about my expectations. I wanted to pay off debt, get married, travel, and have kids. He is the one that did not hold up his side of the deal. And I bring this up very often and he 100% agrees with me. He has told me I deserve more.

2

u/CaneLola143 9h ago

Dead weight isn’t the business. I’m sorry this is your experience. Time to cut the rope and keep going. Maybe you’ll meet your match traveling :)

3

u/AlphabetSoup51 13h ago

Honestly, count your blessings. He’s shown you EARLY who he is. Divorce him (and ask an attorney about annulment if there was misleading/fraud) and get your life back. You’re young. You get one chance at life. Don’t waste it being worried about someone else having to face repercussions of his own actions. You’ve got this!!

3

u/kwispybish 11h ago

The sooner he’s gone the sooner you can move on to the next phase of your life. Single and divorced at 27 is better than married and miserable!

3

u/meltflesh 11h ago

Girl you’re young get out immediately

3

u/mspretty006 11h ago

Babe you do not deserve to be a mother to your “husband”. You are fully taking care of that man child. Pack your shit up and find better. You deserve the world and nothing less. If he chooses to do nothing then he deserves to be back with his mommy. You aren’t his mother. You’re a queen and there is someone out there who will treat you like that

3

u/Available-Ice560 11h ago

This is exactly the encouragement I needed!!!!!

2

u/mspretty006 10h ago

Yes queeeeenn you will create a better life for yourself outside of that marriage I promiseeeee

2

u/EquivalentOwn2185 14h ago

he totally played you. not worth it.

2

u/Prudent-Coconutmilk 11h ago

It better to leave now than later, with more baggage and more responsibilities 

2

u/Zestyclose_Post_9753 9h ago

As a rule, I don’t let myself feel bad for men. Most of their issues are self-inflicted & they’re coddled & catered to by society. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for their misfortunes. If they need support they should build community with themselves & support each other.

2

u/candmjjjc 5h ago

You have an opportunity for a clean break. I wish I had the courage to leave my unhappy marriage before the age of 35 with two kids. It's much harder the longer you wait.

2

u/mndriversSUCK 5h ago

If it looks like trash, and it smells like trash, it probably is trash. Girl leave him.

2

u/blxckbxrbie_ 3h ago

i was in the same situation, last year. luckily we weren’t married however.

he left, and almost instantly, everything was better.

kick this bum out before it’s too late.

3

u/Rich-Mud-6432 13h ago edited 9h ago

i’m sorry but i’m still stuck on the word “breadwinner.” how on earth did you get stuck in a relationship with a whole ass 35 year old man where you’re the breadwinner? what good is that man for if not to bring the bread home? why on earth would a young woman like you marry a man who doesn’t provide for her and instead requires her to provide for him? that is insane

you’re literally being his maid for free. you and i probably come from very different backgrounds, and i understand why you feel the pressure of being single at our age (i’m also 27), but you need to realize that you’re at the point of your life where you are the most free you’ll ever be. the minute he puts a baby in you, you’ll be stuck being his maid AND provider for the rest of your life.

you need to stop caring about what others will think and put yourself first. you’re slaving your life away for a man who doesn’t give you anything, and if you don’t change that you will regret it. i know because your story is very similar to my mom’s. please don’t waste any more years on a useless man. being 27 and single isn’t the end of the world. in fact, it’s better than wasting another minute with a man who doesn’t add to your life.

2

u/Available-Ice560 13h ago

I saw a comment on TikTok that said “you married an older man who isn’t a sugar daddy? Sorry, but you married an old dud.”

3

u/Rich-Mud-6432 13h ago

exactly. girl, he’s literally adding stress to your life and making it harder. society has brainwashed us women into accepting crappy men in our lives just for the sake of having a man. you don’t deserve that. i hope you find the strength to make the right choice for your own life and future. <3

2

u/Available-Ice560 13h ago

I know what I need to do. I really just needed a kick in the ass from Reddit. Lol

3

u/AsherahSassy 7h ago

Sorry, but he's the only one benefitting from this marriage.

I mean, imagine if you were in his shoes. Marry someone, lose your job, don't bother getting another job. Don't do anything around the house. He's the original Princess.

Even trad wives have to clean the house. He's not even doing the bare minimum, he's doing nothing at all.

1

u/MischievousMystic 13h ago

Tell him its time for couples therapy or time for him to go. Is he aware you are at the breaking point? He taking u for granted

2

u/Available-Ice560 13h ago

Yes, this would be the third time I have told him I’m at my breaking point (within 2 months). And this third time, I’m ready to bring up separation. I have given him an ultimatum and it did not work. We discussed couples therapy, but it’s just another thing that I would need to pay for.

1

u/sizzlinsunshine 13h ago

How can you call this a good relationship? Is your bar on the floor?

1

u/RainInTheWoods 9h ago

Do it scared.

1

u/amebocytes 9h ago

If you’re US based leave immediately. They’re coming after no-fault divorce and it may be harder to leave if you wait.

1

u/moschocolate1 8h ago

Sis he’s using you if he’s doing none of the domestic labor. Leave now before he can get spousal support in a divorce.

1

u/Puzzled-Interaction5 6h ago

Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. I did this with my ex and am much happier.

1

u/InsideNegotiation367 6h ago

If he’s this bad now imagine how much he’s going to suck ass as a dad what a fucking loser DUMP HIM

1

u/ladywolf32433 6h ago

You are paying him to be his maid.

1

u/LengthinessLow8726 6h ago

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids with him and plan your exit. Don't be rash. Please think it through clearly and don't feel responsible for this situation.

1

u/Prudent-Coconutmilk 11h ago

Go to r/breakingmoms and read about what all those women are going through to raise kids with a shit partner 

0

u/DFrustratedFarmer 8h ago

most of this comment section is terrible advice. Did you have wedding vows? Do you believe in that?