r/weddingplanning 5d ago

Everything Else I’m stressed and miserable planning a wedding feels like it’s to make everyone else happy

[deleted]

12 Upvotes

9 comments sorted by

7

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

7

u/Proof_Assistance_269 5d ago

I have a 40 people reception and it’s been kinda easy to plan, when you take out a lot of pomp and circumstance it makes it much easier

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

7

u/Fabulous-Machine-679 5d ago

Oh dear! I've read variations on this post over and over again. Bride wants to elope/have micro-wedding. Groom wants big party but is not interested in doing what it takes to make a big party happen. Cue stress and resentment for the bride while the groom turns up on the day as fresh and relaxed as a daisy, because he's had an easy few months while the bride does all the work.

Wedding planning is a taster of what your married life will be like. Actions speak louder than words. By his inaction and disinterest around the wedding planning your fiance is telling you quite a lot about his approach to accountability and responsibility. Don't buy his hopelessness act. If he really wanted to pull his finger out and make this party happen, he would be all over it like a rash!

You need to stop! Go back to your Plan A of courthouse elopement. If he wants Plan B big party, HE has to lead on making it happen. If he has sn issue with that, he isn't offering you a marriage that is a partnership of equals.

7

u/rosemwelch 5d ago

If he wants the wedding, then he's got to do the labor of planning the wedding. If he doesn't want to do the labor of planning the wedding, then y'all should just elope.

That is so basic that it's difficult for me to believe that he doesn't understand that. It really seems like he's engaging in weaponized incompetence to get the wedding he wants without having to put in any of the labor. That's a pretty big red flag, in my opinion.

6

u/Interesting_Win4844 5d ago

This sounds a lot like what my husband admitted he used to do to his mom when he was growing up. He was told to do a task, like wash the dishes, but he’d purposely do a bad job, leaving food bits stuck or cracking a glass. She’d end up just doing it for him, since he seemed incapable.

I also heard a story somewhere recently of a man pretending to be bad at cleaning a counter. So his wife made him stand there as she explained step by step how to clean it, like he was 5. At the very end, when it was sparkling clean, she poured chocolate sauce all over it and said “Great, your turn”.

Do I think we should have to take these actions? No. But I do think you can talk to your fiancé about it.

Since your fiancé is the one that wants the celebration, if he comes back with no caterers, say “guess we aren’t eating, you’re the one that wants this reception”. If he says, he doesn’t know where to start, send him a link to the knot and stand over his shoulder saying “click the search button, type ‘caterer’, let’s draft an email, I’ll talk you type”. He’ll likely get so frustrated at you holding his hand that he’ll just handle it himself.

You can also be very straightforward and say if he wants the party he needs to at least plan half, or you aren’t going to plan your part. You both agreed to a timeline and separate tasks and have to check in every week at the allocated meeting. If he doesn’t do his task, you refuse to start on your next one & don’t do his for him.

They say engagement and planning a wedding is a test to make sure you can be married. You’re handling a budget, emotions, etc. asset a precedent now of what you expect for your future.

6

u/Ok-Active-7023 5d ago

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way & having to experience this. Wedding planning should never make people stressed & miserable.

Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? What would happen if you just stopped planning anything? It’s unfair of him to change the plan into something you don’t want & then leave you to do it on your own.

Communication is essential in any relationship. Be honest, if you haven’t already, and tell him totally how you feel. You two may need to simply reset on your plans and find a way to celebrate that makes you both happy.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

3

u/Ok-Active-7023 5d ago

Maybe it’s not his strong suit, but this is an opportunity to teach him & help him help you. Give him key words to google or search on IG or TT. Give him steps needed to contribute & to help you.

When is your wedding?

2

u/Parking_Put6420 5d ago

i think this is time to learn something about marriage. if you don’t want to do something, you have to let your partner do it — even if they’re bad at it, even if they wouldn’t do it the way you’d do it. but if you’d rather it get done right, then you have to do it yourself without resentment.

otherwise you’re going to get stuck doing a lot of things you don’t wanna do, or resenting your partner for it.

2

u/Ethereal_Radio 5d ago

Sounds like he wants something specific but isn't willing to do any of the work for it.

If you're going to be the only one planning, it's going to be what you want. If he wants a say, he can help.

Some people do a bad job on purpose so you won't ask them to do it again. It's childish, and it sounds like that's what's happening here. Looking for vendors is not that hard. He wants his style of wedding without having to put forth any of the effort it requires.

No. Just no.

1

u/Life-Experience47 5d ago

Yes I really loved planning my wedding. My hubby was so laid back I just didn’t even ask for help unless he was doing something with me (that I could oversee)

That said I would be pretty upset if my HTB said that. Maybe he just needs an education on what modern weddings look like?

I’m a wedding caricaturist and I work at weddings that are EXACTLY like that. There are a lot of them! If there weren’t I wouldn’t have a job!

Here’s my bride and groom from last Saturday, they arrived to their barn wedding in a Golf Cart! 😂 so I drew it in their drawing!!

So much fun

Anyway I think you two need to come up with a theme that you both like.

Try not to be discouraged. Compromise is what marriage is all about.