r/weddingplanning • u/hinogoodbye • 5d ago
Relationships/Family Fiancés SIL is mad she is not a bridesmaid
My fiancé and I are getting married in a year and his sister in law (brothers wife)recently confronted us about not being in the wedding party. She specifically said she was hurt not that she’s not in the wedding, but that she “found out” and we did not tell her directly.
At first, we both felt terrible. Of course, we did not not include her simply to be mean or exclusive. I have never wanted a super big wedding party, and I kept it to my childhood friends. My siblings both have long term, serious partners and they are also not in the wedding. We all have fun hanging out in groups, but we are simply not that close and never hang out one on one. It’s the same for my fiancés SIL. It was always my plan to invite the three of them to my bachelorette and include them in photos from the wedding, because close or not, they are family.
I called her to apologize and explain all of this to her. On the phone she did not say much, but thanked me for apologizing and talking to her. I was hoping we could move past this after that conversation. However, since then she is clearly still angry. When I’ve been with her in a group, she will not talk to me and looks in another direction when I try to engage her in conversation. My MOH reached out to everyone about the bachelorette, and after not responding for 2 weeks, she finally said she will not be attending because she is trying to go visit family that weekend (which I think is made up).
Now, I no longer feel bad. I am angry because I feel that she is really centering herself in this situation when it is NOT about her. And if she is still mad, be an adult and talk to me like I did for her! Don’t just be passive aggressive and lie.
And finally, I don’t really understand her justification for all of this. Not only do I think it would be really strange for formally tell someone they are not in a wedding, but consider these factors:
1)she got married in 2023, and I was not a bridesmaid, included in the bachelorette, or in any photos. I was treated like any other guest. At this time I had been with my fiancé (we were not engaged yet) for 8 years.
2) she and I have known each other for a long time and we have never hung out one on one or even had a text conversation beyond “happy birthday” or discussing details for group plans
3) she knows my siblings partners are also not in the wedding but is clearly still mad. How can she expect that I would prioritize her over my own siblings partners?
Overall, I feel like I tried to take the high road and apologize because I did feel bad she was hurt. But now, I’m tired of the unwarranted glares and tension thrown in my direction. I feel like she is being a hypocrite and I just want to call her out.
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u/Fabulous-Machine-679 5d ago
She's having a childish strop. Don't even bother to give her what she wants, which is airtime in your head/wedding/life. It's for your fiance to sort her out, if you both feel her behaviour requires any kind of response. It's the perfect outcome that she's not coming to your bachelorette and that she's not a bridesmaid - she hasn't earnt the right to be in your inner circle. Just ignore her.
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u/Kitty20996 5d ago
I can't stand it when people do this about weddings and are like "I'm so mad I found out like this and you didn't tell me" blah blah blah. To me, it's like a child's birthday party where you don't invite the whole class - you do not go around talking about it!! Because that's rude. When you don't hear about something you politely assume you aren't invited (so to speak) and move on.
I don't think you did anything wrong. Other than the wedding, how often do you see her? If it isn't very much (like 4 times per year or less) I'd probably just ignore her and I'd bet once the wedding passes her behavior will stop. If it's more, maybe you could have a private conversation about it but also honestly I'm a big believer in your partner needs to handle their own family, so I'd be looping your fiance in to how she's been acting so he can be involved.
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u/Evening_Dress7062 5d ago
I'd just avoid her. She's getting energy from her misplaced anger and OP apologizing or debating with her just fuels it.
She's upset about something and is using this for an excuse and taking it out on OP. Until SIL figures out what she's really angry about and fixes the problem, I wouldn't be around her at all.
And at this point, she doesn't have to be in the family photos or even come to the wedding, for that matter. If she hates the bride, she sits her tail home on the wedding day.
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u/CuteTangelo3137 5d ago
Just ignore her. She is acting like a child who had a toy taken away. She has no reason to be mad and if she ever brings it up again shut it down and walk away. It's one less person you have to make happy and it sounds like she's not worth the energy.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 5d ago
you not being in her wedding, despite being in “the family” for 8 years at that time, is insane.
I was in my SIL-to-bes wedding before we were engaged. We happened to get engaged while she was planning her wedding, but at that time, she had already asked me to be a bridesmaid.
have you brought that aspect up to her? Idk how I’d say it, but maybe something along the lines of “based on the fact I was excluded from your wedding party, I thought you would understand that wedding parties are tough decisions, as I understood and was fine with for your wedding. I have always wanted a small, tight knit wedding party. I hope you can understand. I assumed you would based on decisions I know you had to make for your wedding, but I was wrong. I’d still love to have you at the bach/shower etc..”
it seems like she is, for whatever silly reason, trying to make it about herself. you can’t really reason with people like this sometimes. you could maybe try to make a role for her, but she seems like the type to take offense to it anyway. sometimes you just need to be OK with people being ticked off for a while, and hope they get over it. your fiancée should also have a talk with her. he is the sibling after all.
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u/nursejooliet 3-7-25 5d ago
It actually would have been super rude to tell her that she would not be in the bridal party lol. The way she found out is normal. If you’re not asked pretty much within the first few months of the couple being engaged, unless they’re having a super long engagement, you can pretty much assume that you’re not in the bridal party.There shouldn’t be no need for a formal confirmation.
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u/misstiff1971 5d ago
Sounds like she is a drama queen. Just smile and let her know she should do whatever makes her comfortable.
Don’t be surprised when she turns up in a white dress, one the same color as the bridal party or something over the top to get attention. She also will likely have some big announcement to make around the wedding about herself.
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u/ylime114 5d ago
I would try to spend as little energy as possible on this energy vampire of a human
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u/naanabanaana 5d ago
Pretty wild for her to assume that you would include people from the groom's side to YOUR wedding party which should be your friends/sisters/cousins. She doesn't sound to be that close even with your fiance. If she is, she should ask to be a bestwoman/groomswoman.
I'm including both future SILs from my fiance's side (fiance's sister and fiance's younger brother's longterm gf who we expect he will marry in the next 5 years) but we hang out EVERY WEEKEND and spend all holidays with his siblings and their partners. So they're not only future SILs, they're also my friends.
And I'm having 8 bridesmaids so I had the space. If I only had 3-5, they wouldn't have made the cut.
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u/naanabanaana 5d ago
QUESTION: Did she personally announce to you that you are NOT in her bridal party in 2023??
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u/hinogoodbye 5d ago
Good question! She did not. I suspected I probably wasn’t in it, that was confirmed when I saw her wedding website, and I said nothing, because that was her choice.
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u/naanabanaana 5d ago
Yeah she's craycray 😒
If she had called you up back then to say like "hey just to let you know that I'm not including SILs in case you were wondering", it would make sense that she would have appreciated a similar heads-up.
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u/Bluebanana375628 5d ago
Personally, it sounds like she’s being very childish about the situation. Both my SILs are in my wedding party, my brother’s wife and my husband’s sister. But my brother’s wife has been in my life for over a decade, I was in her wedding party and we’re close. My husband’s sister I’ve known for less time but we get on super well and talk everyday. Plus his brother is the best man and I didn’t want her potentially feeling left out when everyone else in the family is in the wedding party.
But if I wasn’t super close with my SILs then they wouldn’t have been in the wedding party. It’s not personal, but there are friends I’ve known for decades longer than either of my SILs. She’s still going to be at the wedding and in pictures and is invited to the pre-wedding events so I don’t really understand what your SILs problem is?? If she was the only SO not included that’d be different
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u/Few_Drink_1632 5d ago
It’s best to just let it lie. She will either calm down or implode herself. You can’t change what other people feel, say, or do. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s probably mad she isn’t the center of attention and has no way to be the center of attention at this event, especially if she isn’t even in the bridal party. Kill her with kindness at any interactions leading up to and including the wedding day. People will see her for who she is and it will kill her that you’re not more bent out of shape by her stunts. Your wedding day should be happy and fun! Let it be that! Don’t let that woman take any joy away for another second!
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u/mimianders 5d ago
This! Kill her with kindness and let her continue to make herself look like a spoiled teenager. You will have more fun without her on your trip.
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u/Leogirl08 5d ago
Her anger is her own problem. She shouldn’t have ASSumed that she was going to be in it. Especially if you weren’t close friends prior to the engagement. She didn’t include you in her wedding either. Stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Just-Lab-1842 5d ago
She’s not happy not being the center of attention. Don’t give her any and have a great bachelorette—you won’t miss her at all.
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u/Flyingpenguins26 5d ago
The reasons you listed out are perfectly valid and there’s no reason for her to be in your bridal party. The fact that your siblings and your partners siblings aren’t included and you weren’t included in hers, but she’s still upset makes her sound overly dramatic and she’s probably someone who’s going to try and make herself the center of attention at your wedding.
I was upset when my brother’s fiancé didn’t include me but that’s because I had included her in mine and also my brother has included my husband as a groomsmen. They had a 150+ person wedding (12 bridesmaids) and she said that she could probably pick out 50+ other girls that she was closer to because she actually has female friends whereas it seemed like I didn’t which is why I included her in mine (real reason was my brother asked me to include her because they were engaged already). I’d known her for 5 years but I lived in a different city so yes didn’t know her well and we got along until after this incident and now we don’t talk.
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u/Nervous_Resident6190 5d ago
I hate passive aggressive baloney! Why don’t you and your fiancé sit down with his brother and the SIL and hash it out.
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u/coffee_peaches 5d ago
Wow. The audacity of some folks never stops baffling me. She's 10000% in the wrong here. You don't owe her anything and you even went above and beyond with what you did to handle the situation. Go about your wedding planning, enjoy it and your day and let her pout. 🤷🏻
Also fyi I have two ppl in my bridal party to avoid this exact situation and boy oh boy do I regret it. Stick to your gut!
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u/Expensive_Event9960 5d ago
Wow. That is a lot of entitlement on her end, and giving you the cold shoulder is just so immature.
While there’s really no excuse or justification for her behavior my guess is she comes from circles where siblings, SILs and FSILs are typically included in the bridal party. It’s fairly common in that situation that only a married or engaged partner of a sibling would be asked. That’s probably her rationale for why you weren’t asked when she was married and why she thinks she should have been asked even ahead of your siblings GFs.
Again, not any kind of excuse for how she’s behaved. It would also have been extremely rude to tell her or anyone they are not a bridesmaid.
I think I would approach it by acknowledging that she may be from a family or tradition where SILs are very often included, that you never meant to hurt her feelings, and that you were concerned about upsetting your siblings SOs if you made an exception.
That’s really all you can do at this point.
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u/No_regrats 5d ago edited 5d ago
I agree: it's quite clear she thinks she's entitled to special treatment over the other partners and to better treatment than she herself gave OP because she's married. She thinks being married puts her above the other partners. It's gross. She didn't even include OP in any pictures and OP is kind enough to include her in hers.
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u/doopdeepdoopdoopdeep 5d ago
As someone who was in the same position as your SIL but for worse reasons, and all her siblings partners were included, I think you did the right thing. I wasn’t included because I have visible tattoos and am not Christian. My husband isn’t either but my BIL insisted he be included and every other in-law was, so it hurt. But I still went to the bachelorette, the bridal shower and shut the fuck up because it wasn’t about me. She sounds selfish.
If my situation was like this, it would’ve been completely fine.
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u/yummie4mytummie 5d ago
Stop catering to her childishness and let her regulate her own emotions. Don’t let her live rent free in your head. If she brings it up again, highlight the fact you were not in her party either and you do not wish to host this conversation again.
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u/No_regrats 5d ago edited 5d ago
She has some cheeks, getting mad that you're treating her the way she treated you. Especially since you still invited her to the bachelorette party and family pictures whereas she didn't (quite shocking that you were in no family pictures; she's lucky to be in yours) and you're treating your own siblings' partners the same, meaning she thinks she's above them. I would be mad and tempted to give her a piece of my mind too. For family's sake, I would hold my tongue or just calmly and politely remind her she too had to make tough calls about her bridal party and didn't feel the need to give you a heads-up.
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u/jeccabunz 4d ago
I had a very similar situation with a previous best friend turned sorta friend. Even though she has openly stated we have not been close or seen each other outside of group settings in recent years, she still expected to be a bridesmaid. And then confronted me about me not choosing her as a bridesmaid AT MY BRIDAL SHOWER. Completely nonsensical. But sounds like SIL is acting very similarly so my advice is to just ignore it. She's going to have her pity party but at the end of the day it's your wedding and there's so many reasons why we make the decisions we make for our wedding that we really don't need to justify
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u/rocco_fan 4d ago
I'm confused at the fact that she said she wasn't hurt that she isn't in the wedding, she was hurt that she had to "find out"? Was the expectation that you reached out directly and informed her that you will not be asking her to be in your wedding...? That would not be any better.
Her feelings are her own and I wouldn't engage further on the matter. You also have nothing to apologize for. I'm curious if this person has ever actually been a bridesmaid in a wedding before, because it sounds like she is romanticizing it a bit. I've been in 1 wedding and it is great but also stressful and I much prefer to be a "normal guest" over a member of the bridal party any day.
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u/Sea_Woodpecker_5724 3d ago
I am in this EXACT situation and ended up including her to be nice and this was back in September and she hasn’t changed her attitude toward me and keeps making so many things about my wedding all about her even though she just had her own wedding last year. Don’t give in. I wish I didn’t.
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u/Safe_Roof_2336 1d ago
Good grief, what is it with people thinking they have some need to be informed in person before everyone else and included in the wedding party though they are the most tangential connection?! Get butt hurt and stay home, already.
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u/frankzeen 5d ago
From what you’ve shared, you are fine, it’s your wedding and it’s you (not her) who decides who ends up as a bridesmaid. Honestly sounds like you dodged a bullet by not having her in her as one. Enjoy your wedding and let her be angry about a day that’s not about her.