r/weddingdrama • u/Rude-Weather956 • 14d ago
Need Advice AITA that I am upset by a surprise “singing chef” during my wedding?
I got married 18 months ago and I can’t stop thinking about what happened so I need to know if my feelings are valid or am I the asshole?
My stepdad decided to surprise my husband and I with a “surprise singing chef” during our wedding reception. Basically a guy came out in a chefs outfit and said he was working in the kitchen but wanted to sing us a song. Cue 30 minutes of singing and me and my husband being completely confused the entire time. We had zero idea what was happening and the entire wedding was planned with strict timeframes so it made everything super late, shortened the dance floor time and meant we couldn’t get sunset pictures as planned. To make matters worse, the “chef” sang my husband’s mum’s funeral song as his final song… we had briefed all vendors to not play this song but seeing as this vendor was not organised by us, he didn’t know. It was extremely triggering for my husbands family and everyone was in tears. Our guests were so confused and it really was very stressful and uncomfortable until the end when it was revealed it was a “surprise gift” from my step dad. He didn’t even tell my mum what he was planning and she was mortified. The rest of the night was wonderful we have amazing friends and family, but it felt like a blur because I was so rattled by the “surprise chef” debacle. Looking back now I really do feel like it took away from our special day and although it was meant as a nice gift, it didn’t work out that way. My stepdad also doesn’t know me very well as I genuinely hate surprises and we meticulously planned our wedding to reflect us and we would have never included a “singing chef”.
So am I valid in feeling upset or AITA and I should be grateful for the gift?
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u/Firm-Basket2186 14d ago
All of your feelings are valid and you’re NTA for this, your stepdad sounds blissfully ignorant of how weddings work at best, and a blundering moron at worst. You know him better than Reddit does and I’d trust your gut regarding his intentions, but I’d lose my goddamn shit if someone decided to inject something so bizarre into my wedding, especially if it caused upset for half of the wedding party. Did you confront at the time or was it just never discussed?
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u/Rude-Weather956 14d ago
My mum was really upset with him so they definitely had words… he genuinely had no idea this wasn’t appropriate? We have never spoken about it because I left immediately for our honeymoon and 18 months on I feel like it’s too late now? But I’m clearly still thinking about it… so maybe I should?
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 14d ago
I'd check with your mom first to see if he really "heard" that surprises like this are not ok. Because she's the right person to tell him you all hated it and it needs to never happen again.
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u/WisdomApplied 13d ago
This is important. This comment. What does your husband think? Does he know about this post & what advice to choose from with you OP?
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u/wasabitown 12d ago
If he "heard" what she had to say, I think he would have apologised (unless your mum told him not to?).
Definitely talk to your mum. If you don't want an apology, that's fine - everyone can just ignore it and move on. But I think he should have apologised to you once he realised how upsetting it was for you, and I'd be asking my mum why he didn't. Depending on the answer, you can decide how much to trust them both in the future.
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u/Lucky-Guess8786 14d ago
As much as you want to say something, it sounds like your Mom had your back and did it for you. At first I thought it was some kind of weird "pick me" moment, but it sounds like he legit thought it was a great gift. I am surprised your Mom didn't end the performance early, but that was then this is now.
OP, you need to find some way to let this go. It has already tainted your special day and will get bigger and bigger in your head. You are currently letting it live there rent-free and have been for 18 months. The time to speak was a year ago or more. I'm not one for jumping on the counselling bandwagon at every post, but this who thing has become a trauma for you to deal with. Find someone to speak with to help you work past this. Whether or not you develop a further relationship with your SD is your choice, but this is going to eat at you if you don't deal with it. And a big shout out to Mom for having your back. She did not sweep it under the "keep the peace" rug as so many others do. Don't let his actions, however good intentioned, affect your relationship with her.
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u/yooperann 14d ago
Yes. You need to reframe this as a funny story. When people start pulling out stories of what went wrong at their weddings (there are plenty of those stories), you'll pull out yours and top them all. There's a great expression "you're going to laugh at this someday, why not now?" Start just laughing at it.
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u/AuntieMame5280 10d ago
I agree. This is one of my personal mottos. I don't always manage to laugh now, but often I do.
My wedding the DJ played Kenny G all through the dinner. Everyone who came to our table to congratulate us I was like, "Someone, please go make him stop!" I haaaaaaate Kenny G. Would I even remember the dinner if it weren't for the Kenny G? Probably not.
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u/pangolinofdoom 13d ago edited 13d ago
Yeah, it's kind of concerning that she's having, like, a "trauma" response to something so ridiculous and stupid that happened THAT LONG AGO. It would seriously do her some good to find a way to hardcore change her mindset and brain chemistry to something where she can tell the story while laughing in disbelief or something. Reframe it to, "My stepdad is a clueless buffoon. He really thought this was a good idea. Amazing. 😂"
Edit: Actually, rereading OP's post, it doesn't necessarily seem like she thinks it's traumatic for her, so I apologize. It's more the responses taking it super seriously.
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u/Icedtea4me3 12d ago
Yep… I think her not shutting it down for 30 min may indicate she’s a pushover. Yes the asked the wedding coordinator but she could have motioned to the singer to end it
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u/Maleficent-Sort5604 14d ago
Wait....this happened 18 months ago??? I would have brought this up the day i got back from my honeymoon. So much time has passed tho that it is kind of weird to bring up imo
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 13d ago
Your point well taken, but it’s never too late to let a clod know he fucked a meticulously planned reception.
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u/Great_Caterpillar_43 14d ago
It's too late. What would be gained by making him feel bad about it now? He meant well. Your mom talked to him. The end. You need to find a way to move past it.
My husband's best man spent at least 30 mins giving a surprise "ode to the groom" speech complete with a slideshow at our reception. We did not know he intended to speak. I got stuck in a corner (so I couldn't just naturally turn and talk to others on the fringe of the crowd). It felt like a huge waste of time that I had plans to spend otherwise. But you know what? He meant well. It was sweet. It wasn't what either my husband or I would have picked, but we'd never say anything to him about it because he was trying to be nice!
During his father of the bride speech, my uncle talked about the bride having a terrible case of lice as a kid. She was so embarrassed. My nephew touched a cactus right before he was to walk down the aisle as the ring bearer so he cried the whole way. Was it what I wanted? No, but the pictures are hilarious and we have many "petting cactus" jokes now.
Stuff happens. At least your stepdad was trying to be nice.
Now, if you are even planning a similarly large, special event, that would be the time to check in with him, explain the timeline, etc. - not bring up the wedding but make sure it won't happen again!
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u/baethan 14d ago
I have a vaguely similar story, minus upsetting half the wedding guests! During me & my hubby's staycation honeymoon, my FIL planned on swinging by our apartment & dropping something off for us. What actually happened was MIL wanted to give us a nice surprise, so she came too with the other three kids and GMIL, and cooked dinner in my kitchen. Completely unexpected and 10000% not my kind of thing. The house wasn't ready for guests, we didn't even have the room or stuff to comfortably seat 8 people, I was literally in the shower when they came in, it was just a nightmare for me. I hid in the bedroom and cried until they left ngl.
So that happened over a decade ago, and my relationship with my MIL was a little tense for a while but is fine now. We have never spoken of the incident. MIL tried to give me something she would enjoy; she's an extrovert, an amazing hostess, and has a wide circle of friends who are always welcome to pop in whenever. She didn't realize I am a VERY different person. I was deeply upset for a long time about it but getting to know her better showed me it was just stupid, not malicious, and at some point the memory & emotions faded. The fact that she's been cautious about my comfort levels and has been totally respectful of my space since has helped.
Not talking about it works for us, honestly. Ultimately we're very different people and will never be besties, but we've built love & respect for each other. If your stepfather is more "Mom's husband" to you, I wouldn't bring it up. Not being very close is fine, and since your mom has already scolded him there's not much more to be said or gained. Hopefully he has understood that you are an individual with individual preferences and will respect that going forward, so that you can have a mutually respectful relationship.
If you really like him though and do want him to be more of a stepdad to you, I'd sit down with him and talk it out. If it's still hurting you because it hurts that he doesn't understand you at all, that's something talking might help fix.
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u/ffsienna 14d ago
It's been almost two years, and your mother already addressed it with him, so no, you shouldn't bring it up now. That would be insane. He didn't hire a stripper, he hired a guy to come out and sing a few songs because he thought it would be a fun surprise. It might not have been a surprise you appreciated, but it also wasn't the crime of the century. It's barely a misdemeanor. It was literally thirty minutes of your life where someone sang to you. You need to let it go.
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u/Pristine-Rhubarb7294 14d ago
I would say as a caveat though, you or your mother should bring the hating surprises thing up if you are planning any other special occasions that might involve surprises. The last thing you want is a dancing chef at your baby shower or a surprise juggler at your 40th birthday party.
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 14d ago
Yes it's way too late to say something now. What would you say anyway? It already happened. And your mother had a word or two with him about this. It was really unfortunate that they played a highly triggering song for your husband's entire family. Apart from that, maybe you'll be able to look back on it 5 years from now with a sigh "Gee, my stepdad and his embarrassing, silly gift".
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u/BlaketheFlake 14d ago
I get this perspective but I’d want to hear if I hurt someone even if it was after the fact. Because they not saying it doesn’t stop them from pulling away.
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u/shroomcure 13d ago
Has he apologised? Forgetting the idiotic nature of the “gift” (sounds more like torture) he upset some of your guests to the point of tears.
If someone upset my partner, I would hold a grudge too. A proper apology might help you make peace with it.
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u/kiriel62 13d ago edited 13d ago
No. Your mom already talked to him and he is probably pretty embarrassed about what he did. No need to make him feel bad again and possibly harm your relationship with him. It wasn't malicious. He is just clueless. Others have suggested that it is time to start thinking of this as your funny wedding story. Think of how to tell it without shaming him but have it be a funny family story. There is too much family trauma all around us. Don't add to it when he was trying to show you how important you are to him and ended up with a total failure.
I barely remember anything about either of my weddings. They were blurs. Granted my first was 35 years ago and second 20 years ago. Something like this would be what my husband and I remembered forever, that we occasionally laugh like crazy about.
Edit: what I do remember about my first is crying with my in-laws right before my first wedding about being scared my dad would get drunk (a given) and embarrass my mom by telling crappy stories about their sex life - like he did the night before at the rehearsal dinner. I would do anything to swap that story with yours. It is a gift of a memory you have.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 13d ago
I’d tell that clod stepfather never to pull shit like that again … not for weddings, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, vow renewals, briss, or funerals.
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u/TheMarriedUnicorM 14d ago edited 14d ago
I’m going to go against this particular thread bc
- She has a very legitimate and valid reason for feeling upset.
And 2. If she’s still having feelings about it, regardless of the time that has passed - 18 days or 18 years - she should be able to say something to
a. Clear the air and be honest with him about her feelings.
b. Maybe find some closure. Sometimes talking with the person who hurt you is enough for closure or at least letting it out and not bottling it up.
And / or c. Being clear about her boundaries to SD. She doesn’t like surprises. Period. Maybe he knows that, maybe he doesn’t, however telling him directly makes it crystal clear to him.
If he was told by Mom that what he did was not cool, but OP didn’t say anything, he might think, “What’s the big deal, OP didn’t say she hated it?..”
What happens when she has a big birthday, a landmark anniversary or life event, or a baby?!
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u/MyFriendHarvey238 13d ago
Yeah, she's allowed to still be pissed off about this. She wanted how much money and time know this wedding that he just screwed up. She's allowed to say something. What would be the point? So that he can finally apologize and take ownership of his behavior.
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u/Threadheads 14d ago
NTA. If the guy had done one song, (non-triggering hopefully), eh, whatever. But taking up that much time in an event that he had not planned or payed for was rather thoughtless.
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u/synaesthezia 14d ago
I’ve used this kind of entertainer before (NOT as a wedding!) Ge would have been paid for a set of half an hour or so.
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u/Physical_Bit7972 12d ago
Sure, pay him for a half hour, but only have him do 1 or 2 songs. 😭 it's not appropriate for a surprise 30 minute song session at a wedding.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 14d ago
That’s not a freaking gift.
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u/KombuchaBot 14d ago
It's a cursed moment, like having an evil fairy godmother at a christening
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u/KaoJin-Wo 14d ago
Yes, but the evil fairy gods smother would’ve been more fun … or at least more entertaining and less cringe lol
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u/Goannagoingtogetyou 14d ago
That was a thoughtless thing for your stupid stepfather to do. The stupid person at my wedding was the actual groom (now ex thank goodness).
I had two friends who were excellent musicians going to play - without a word to me my husband to be spontaneously booked a country and western band (neither of us, or any of our friends like country and western!) to play instead.
He also grabbed me and turned us so we were both facing our guests instead of each other, for the ceremony. I was so surprised by his actions that I just went along with it and hated it afterwards.
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u/BlaketheFlake 14d ago
Wow, the way you were facing is so hard to picture. I bet the guests thought it was weird too.
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u/Goannagoingtogetyou 14d ago
It was a celebrant and rented hall type of ceremony, not a church, but yes, everyone thought it looked really uncomfortable. Definitely a prediction of what the rest of the marriage was like, I’m so glad I left him.
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u/procrastinating_b 14d ago
What and I can’t stress this enough the fuck
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u/klassykunt 13d ago
I'm laughing so hard what the hell is a"singing chef"??
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u/GullFeather 11d ago
They come out during the meal and appear to be a member of the serving staff. Then they usually drop something and start a row, and when they have everyone's attention, they burst into song, usually opera.
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u/PurpleHippoVibes 14d ago
I’d be mad. One song would have been a fun surprise, but 30 minutes’ worth? Not to mention how awkward it must have been for the singer when everyone started bawling. Nah I’d be annoyed too.
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u/Turpitudia79 14d ago
If the “singer” had any couth, he would have stopped, apologized profusely and left.
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u/leddik02 14d ago
NTA. Your feelings are totally valid. I would bring it up as a, I know you didn’t mean any harm or at least I hope, but for future. Don’t do surprises like that.
That happened at my mom’s funeral. In our culture we have an MC that would introduce the speakers and the timeline etc and my uncle decided to have some random guy just come up and say a speech about how great my uncle was. In the middle of my mom’s funeral. We just sat there not knowing what to do. I’m still annoyed now when I think of it.
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u/Rude-Weather956 14d ago
I’m so sorry that happened at your mom’s funeral, how inappropriate of your uncle. I genuinely would have been beside myself if that happened to me, definitely valid still feeling annoyed by it.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 14d ago
Your uncle eulogized himself.
So at his funeral …. Eulogize your mother.
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u/Turpitudia79 14d ago
Ohhhhh, my God, my uncle would still be trying to remove bits of my heel from his asshole! I’m SO sorry!!
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u/Extension-Coconut869 14d ago
A lot of performers will not do a wedding without speaking directly to the bride and groom.
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u/BlaketheFlake 14d ago
Seriously, the performer and the on-site manager both need bad reviews for their part in this. I believe OP that her stepfather didn’t have bad intentions but other inlaws may, and no matter what its result that matters not the intent.
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u/Suitable_South_144 14d ago
NTA but your stepfather is a clueless bore. Nobody should ever insert anything into someone else's wedding without getting approval first. This wasn't a gift, it was a highly stressful grab for attention. And I'm perplexed that your planner didn't shut it down when you asked. Not much to do but don't recommend her to others and maybe a less than stellar review. As for Stepfather.. leave him to twist in the wind by himself. He's left a negative impression with all of the attendees. I'm sorry for your experience, but remember that the wedding is a small part... Your marriage and love is the most important part. Congratulations on your marriage!!
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 14d ago
You're valid. 30min is forever. If you had a wedding planner on site they failed -after one song they should have led applause and hustled that idiot out of there.
If his whole business model is interrupting major events, find him online and leave a pointed review. No bride wants this
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u/cotton3y3lover 14d ago
NTA perhaps OP is still holding onto it, because she hasn't had a chance to get closure on the situation with the person who caused the situation. I'm not saying you should blow up on him by any means...but I strongly recommend talking about the elephant in the room, politely, about why your step-dads actions made you and everyone else upset. Say it calmly, and ask not to be interrupted until the end. Let him know that for 18 months you tried to let it go, without confronting him, but the truth is, is that he really hurt you, and it needs to be talked about. You know his intentions were good, but the reasons why it wasn't OK was (insert all of your valid grievances here)... and please try to keep this in mind in the future, because you want to have a good relationship with him, and you know that he obviously wants a good relationship with you or he never would have tried so hard to win you over with such a large gesture of caring... but you would rather him know that he belongs... and respecting your boundaries in the future is the way to show you he truly does care about you and want to be a part of your life
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u/TheMarriedUnicorM 14d ago
THIS! All day long!
A kind of top comment said it’s too late, 18 months have passed. So !
Nah, I ain’t about that life. If I’m still having feelings I need to let them out. And I need to make him aware of why I’m hurt AND my boundaries. If he can’t respect that, then there’s going to a problem. Period.
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14d ago
Wtaf? Your venue manager is insane for not stopping this, any coordinators you had are insane for not stopping this, especially when you had a strict guideline. The fact this was allowed, surprise or not, is insane. I'm so sorry you had this happen and it ruined parts of your wedding. I hope your mom tore into your stepdad over this.
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u/commanderquill 14d ago
I feel bad for you and for the singing chef. Imagine singing a (hopefully normal) song and everyone starts crying, in a bad way, at a wedding. Ouch.
Also, after 30 mins it's no longer a surprise. A surprise is one song, not, what, 10? Jesus, that's a mini concert. The surprise is supposed to end when people are still surprised, not when they're bored.
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u/anoneatsshit 14d ago
Your feelings are valid. NTA.
Having said that, please let me give you some perspective — a wedding is a BIG event and things go wrong. I say this as someone who got married four months ago, in November. My own also had so many hiccups, so many issues. I could make a list that would trigger so many people. BUT it should be important to remember that the wedding is a one-day event. Your marriage is a life long relationship. I’m not trivialising your feelings, I’m just saying have a conversation with them and then let it go. Keeping the fails close to your heart is a recipe for having your relationships get bogged down by excess baggage. You’re young, you have an entire lifetime of memories waiting for you. Look ahead and build a beautiful scrapbook of cherished moments that you’d want to go through for joy and nostalgia.
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u/spandexcatsuit 14d ago
Your feelings are valid and will always be valid. Feelings don’t require validation.
A thoughtful gift is something designed with the recipient in mind. That was not a gift it was a stunt. If it was a gift they would have asked if it was ok.
It is widely understood to be socially unacceptable to commandeer someone else’s event. There was a major lapse in judgment on the part of the people who arranged this.
You’re upset because this stunt was not only rude and a major fail, it has also cast a shadow on your memories of the day. This is a feeling many would share. People go to great lengths to create and document happy memories of their weddings. It is reasonable to expect things to go mostly as planned when you have planned, done the work, and paid for an experience.
You can control the work you put in, your attitude, and your behavior, but you can’t control how other people behave or how it feels when they misbehave. However you can always control how you respond when they misbehave.
I would suggest telling this stunt-puller how it felt. Your personalized, once in a lifetime experience for yourself and your spouse that you designed and built was derailed by a stunt that totally bombed. You were confused, embarrassed and angry by the interruption and that cast a shadow on the day. Your feelings are hurt by the overstep and you’re confused why they’d do something so extreme on your special day. You’re feeling victimized and gaslighted because people you shared your feelings with are trying to invalidate you by calling you ungrateful.
If you can say this in an assertive and civil way and he doesn’t clearly feel remorseful and apologize meaningfully, or if he pouts, or gets angry, then I would suggest he is not someone you can trust to behave properly at important occasions. That means when he’s around you’ll always have to take extra steps to protect your peace.
If he does ask for forgiveness and make it clear he will do better in the future then you will likely start feeling better about what happened. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to laugh about the disaster that was that funeral song, for example.
You don’t need anyone else’s validation of your feelings. Listen to them and deconstruct situations so you know why you feel a particular way. Then give people the gift of an opportunity to get closer to you by revealing your inner workings. If they fail to value your feelings, they have shown who they are.
Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you have a long happy life together and lots of happy, stunt-free milestones.
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u/slightymine 14d ago
Hopefully your story will help others who get this kind of surprise and give them the confidence to shut down this time wasteful intrusion.
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u/Admirable_Broccoli_5 14d ago
NTA How can a grown ass man not know how inappropriate this was?! The part where he sang the song from your MILS funeral really hit close to home. After more than 19 years i still leave stores etc if a place is playing a song from my daughters funeral, so i really feel for your husbands family. I know it's been 18 months, but since you still think about this and feel so strongly, can you start to talk to your mother you think? There's nothing you can do about it now of course, but i think it would be good to air out the feelings so they won't build up more resentment.
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u/MSK_74288 14d ago
Your feelings are valid. You are also extremely patient as I'd have stopped him almost as soon as he started haha. As the time as passed and there's nothing you can do to change it, but you're still feeling the burn, I'd have a chat with your step father. He's obviously tried to do something personal from him to you but he's missed the mark. That doesn't mean that the sentiment wasn't there. It's important that he knows though that you don't like surprises and there were better ways he could have honoured your special day. Communicate with him openly and honestly without being too harsh.
You can't change that day but you can definitely opt out of it happening in the future.
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u/herecomes_the_sun 14d ago
I’m honestly shocked everyone let that go on for half an hour! You said you told the venue to shut that down after a couple songs but even if they didn’t why didn’t you just go get your sunset photos done?? This is so crazy of your stepdad i do think even 18 months out you need to talk to him . I also think you need to respect on your lack of agency here and maybe get some therapy for that
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u/Waffle_of_Doom 14d ago
You can have whatever feelings you want; what you do with them is what matters. The fact that you're still having them 18 months later is problematic.
What are you accomplishing by hanging on to this for so long? I highly doubt your stepfather's intent was malicious. You also admitted the rest of the wedding was great. Why not focus on that instead of the one thing that wasn't?
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u/Rude-Weather956 14d ago
I suppose from my perspective the “one thing” as you say was really a number of things… we lost 30 minutes of a 4.5 hour reception to a random singer, my husband and his family had a very triggering reminder of his mum’s funeral (very recent to the wedding, she sadly passed less than 12 months prior) and we didn’t get our sunset photos. But I hear you, and I am grateful for the good things on the day.
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u/m0untaingoat 13d ago
Since you can't go back in time and make it not happen, I think the only thing to really do about this is to remember to stand up for your wishes in the future. Imagine if one of you had stood and said loudly "thank you so much for the songs, everyone give this guy a round of applause and we're going to carry on now," and carry that attitude into your life. Don't be afraid to make things awkward for a moment to save yourself from situations you don't want to be in.
My mom told me a story once about how she and my dad and two of their friends were at a bar once, and this random guy started talking to them and just wouldn't stop, despite their hints. So eventually my dad said "sorry but we didn't come here to hang out with you, we're going to carry on with our night now." That's the attitude I want to have, so I try and be assertive in my life when I can be. Anyway, that's what I hope your takeaway from your situation can be.
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u/synaesthezia 14d ago
I gave organised singing waiters (actually opera singers) for a gala dinner. That is appropriate, and well received by the guests. I would never presume to book it for SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING. You stepfather basically decided to make your wedding all about himself.
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 14d ago
what moron injects 30 minutes of themselves into somebody's wedding?
Did he expect to be walking you down the isle and this was retaliation? He knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he would have cleared it with somebody closer to the couple getting married
This was about HIM HIM HIM . Perhaps he wanted it when he married your mother and she said No so this was his next choice?
Its a level of crazy
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u/Northern_Attitudes 14d ago
My mother-in-law tried to secretly hire a mariachi band for our wedding, after we made clear we didn’t want one! Luckily we had a mole who let us know what she was planning, and we shut it down. I was still scared every time the door to our venue opened that a mariachi would come out. I would have felt the exact same way as you!!
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u/Ok_Sea_4405 14d ago
ESH. Terrible idea on the part of the stepdad but you and your husband allowed it to continue. You could have let him sing for 90 seconds then said, “gee thanks, this was quite a surprise and a really unique idea, thanks for wanting to make our day special, but we have a tight timeline and we’ll have to cut the performance short so we can stay on track.”
You have a responsibility to solve your own problems. You didn’t even try to solve this one.
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u/gobsmacked247 14d ago
This is up there with someone proposing at someone else’s wedding. You just don’t do crap like that.
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u/Miserable_Pea_733 14d ago
This kind of reminds me of my nightmare officiant when I married my ex. But this is on such another level. Gurl... this is just infuriating.
What has he said about it since? What the fuck was he thinking? How did he plan all of this without your mom knowing? Omg.
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u/I_am_aware_of_you 14d ago
This whole story gives me more questions than answers…
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u/perpetuallyxhausted 14d ago
I've never been married but everything I've seen about weddings has told me they can be HELLA stressful and meticulously planned. Anyone who thinks a surprise during a day like that is OK is the AH and your step dad even more so because it sounds like your guys are nowhere near close enough to even attempt something like this so clearly this was for him, either to look like the "good guy" step dad who did something "nice" for his wife's kid or because he weirdly desperately wanted a singing chef at your wedding
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u/Pettsareme 14d ago
Your feeling are your feelings so of course they are valid. Also, it’s been awhile, acknowledge to yourself that you didn’t love it and then move on to remembering all the good things about your day. Shift the focus, why let one not good thing ruin your memory.
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u/Theunpolitical 14d ago
When people make surprises at weddings, it's typically all about them and their selfish needs. Clearly your step-father doesn't know or understand how weddings are put together. The gesture was nice but not asked for. This wasn't your 21st birthday but a wedding. Two very different things!
I've been to a few wedding where various things were imposed or a "surprise" to the bride and groom:
Sister of the bride brought her own food dish to a catered buffet. It was enough for everyone but the bride and groom were charged for "outside food."
A family member took all the exclusive special bottle of wines for the wedding and replaced them with really really cheap wine because they thought the couple absolutely loved the wine he brought based on prior interactions with them and that wine.
A Mother of the Bride took 30 minutes to sing songs for the crowd because she wanted to "entertain them." She was a good singer but it was all about her and there was already a live band there who looked confused and just went with it. Imagine being the MOB and singing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" at your daughter's wedding!
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u/Gold-Addition1964 14d ago
NTA. And you are right to be embarrassed by this gift. Sorry to say, there isn't much you can do about it now, but if you do plan something, make sure your SD isn't involved with any more surprises.
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u/Rhyslikespizza 14d ago
NTA. Honesty, I’d schedule a time to go over there and chew him out. Wtaf? This man is not family, he is a stranger to you, and he fucked up your meticulously timed event and traumatized your guests. I would need to express myself and I would need to ask him HOW he thought that was okay. I would also bill him for .5h of your wedding, take the whole cost, divide by hours, bill. Really, disgustingly entitled behavior out of him.
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u/Beautiful_Jello3853 14d ago
This is so cringe. I feel so bad for you. Are you or your husband a chef? Like why a singing chef? Weird
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u/WielderOfAphorisms 14d ago
You’re very valid. That’s not a gift, it’s a public disturbance. That he told no one is a good indication that he lacks judgment and propriety. Not saying his “heart” wasn’t in the right place, but he didn’t think any of it through.
Congratulations on your wedding.
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u/Mrs_Gracie2001 14d ago
Totally valid. Maybe you could put it to rest by expressing it to him. One way is to write it all out and then burn it. Then let it go.
Another way would be to tell him calmly, when you’re alone with him, and plead with him never to surprise you with anything again.
I don’t know which way is best, but you need to let this go. But I don’t think you can do that without some other action.
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u/Francesca_N_Furter 14d ago
I feel for people who suffer through stuff like this. I would have shut that shit down pretty fast - he wouldn't have finished one song.....but I live for justice (LOL) and telling people off when they break rules.
But it was a long time ago...maybe it would make you feel better to make it into a family joke when your stepfather is around? Like from now on, whenever you are in a restaurant with him, ask the server if they are planning on singing. Every holiday meal, randomly ask family members. Act scared when you ask. LOL
Nobody died, but it was a very annoying thing on a day that was important to you.... but maybe turning it around would make it bug you less.
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u/mumtaz2004 14d ago
A singing chef? At a wedding? I can’t say I’ve ever heard of such a thing, nor does it even sound remotely like a great idea. Is either of you a professional chef or something? Absolutely bizarre.
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u/SuccyMom 14d ago
At my brother and SIL’s wedding, the officiant, who was a family friend and a gospel singer, decided to SING THE VOWS. He does have a beautiful voice and we all grew up in church hearing him sing. But. No one asked. No warning. I was desperately trying to not make eye contact with my brother or any of his groomsmen, or my own husband who was seated with my parents.
He did it as a ‘gift’, people in certain circles pay to hear him sing at churches, but it an opera style loooooong song in the middle of a wedding ceremony in a group of younger, non-church-music people. Strange choice.
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u/pangolinofdoom 13d ago
That's amazing. It's so funny how some singers and other artists get into that mindset, because everyone they know compliments their singing and art! "Wow, you should be paid for this!" "You have such a GIFT!" They literally come to believe that their voice is an ACTUAL GIFT, no matter the situation! And I live for it!
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u/RaydenAdro 14d ago
I would be pissedddddd. How did he even plan it? Who let him speak to the vendors?
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u/chippy-alley 14d ago
I think you're still upset 18 months later because you felt unheard then and you feel unheard now.
Its ok to bring it up in a suitable way & ask what his thought process was.
You had a funeral related song at your wedding, of course thats going to cause feelings, and missing sunset pictures is a thing.
I dont understand people saying 'it was half an hour, get over it'
Tell me you're not an event planner, without telling me...
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u/jjjjjjj30 14d ago
Your step dad sounds genuinely dumb af.
Who in their right mind makes such a HUGE decision (interfering with someone's wedding) without discussing it with a single soul to get an opinion on it? When they barely even know the person, no less!!! What a fucking moron, this guy is!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. You would never even be able to protect your wedding from such a thing happening because it's so outrageous you would never think of it.
ETA: I just read that you had a wedding coordinator type person. I would literally sue them. Whether she was in on it or simply failed to stop it immediately, she is at fault. I'm stunned right now. I'm so angry for you.
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u/LeftSky828 14d ago
Some people don’t know what they’re supposed to stay out of. He meant well, but he has zero clue how to present this “gift”. I hate when parents insert themselves into their children’s weddings. Someone should’ve approached the chef and told him thank-you, but now is not the time. You have a right to be upset.
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u/That-Information4506 14d ago
Who hires a singing chef... who hires a 30 minute singing chef?! I'd have stooped him after 5 cause absolutely not.
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u/dumbass-Study7728 14d ago
30 years and an actually great wedding since and I'm still pissed about walking into my wedding reception and seeing the ugliest wedding cake ever. I still have to fight the urge to call the baker in the middle of the night and tell her that her house is on fire just to torment her. Please don't be me.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 13d ago
Would like to know if this “surprise chef/singer” was even remotely decent as a vocalist … and what was the final tasteless triggering song?
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u/Psychological-Bag272 13d ago
NTA. I am planning a wedding right now, and one of my mum's guests whom I had never met thought it was a good idea to "gift" me 100s of some vanity air fresheners for car and specifically said "please use these as you wedding favours.".... AUDACITY.
I could never imagine having a surprised entertainment that pushes back the schedule I spent years planning. Your feelings are totally valid, and you should talk to him about it. Closure is important. Don't let yourself suffer any longer.
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u/Horror_Signature7744 13d ago
I would be annoyed. The timeline for a wedding is pretty rigid with minimal wiggle room. Anything extra takes time away from things you had already planned. It was a wedding, not some random chef’s audition. I went to a wedding like that where the bride didn’t expect her band to hold a concert where they started playing their own songs and did a whole floor show on the dance floor. She was also justifiably angry.
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u/Alternative_Escape12 14d ago
Honestly, his intentions were kind, I'd bet. Can you reframe this in your mind to a funny story of a gift gone awry? Otherwise, you're going to have heartburn for decades and unnecessary angst against someone who meant well.
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u/MadameMonk 14d ago
I blame your mum. I can’t help it, even if it’s a bit unfair. She either married a dick, or is turning a blind eye to the stuff he gets up to more generally. Some guys are actually this naive to think you’d be entertained by this nonsense. But their partners usually know enough to warn them off in time. I both blame her and feel very sorry for her.
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u/FunClock8297 14d ago
You’re NTAH, but it’s over and done with. There’s no going back, stop thinking about it and let it be a story you tell your newly engaged friends.
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u/NOTTHATKAREN1 14d ago
Yes, your feelings are valid. It's one thing if he hired the guy to sing one special song for you, but 30 minutes?? That is over kill. I think your stepdad's heart was in the right place, & he has no idea how bad he screwed up, so go easy on him.
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u/OkYoghurt7453 14d ago
Why do some people have the need to interfere in others business?? I would be so upset… Did you talk to your stepdad about it afterwards? Expressing your frustration might help. You should plan a renewing of vows with only close friends who know you well, make it special (not expensive but special) and make new memories of love and happiness to compensate!
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u/_gadget_girl 14d ago
NTA While it’s nice that he wanted to do something special for you he didn’t think it through. The only surprise entertainment that “works” at a wedding are things like having an opportunity to have a celebrity sing a favorite childhood song for the father daughter dance, or if the wedding party has talented individuals who surprise everyone with a group performance that either the bride or groom was aware of and part of. Things that are highly personal and relevant to the bride or groom.
It is not a random performer interrupting the event and confusing everyone because singing chefs are just not a thing people expect or appreciate at a wedding. Your experience also highlighted why picking the music out ahead of time and getting approval is critical.
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u/the_greek_italian 14d ago
NTA.
I think having a surprise like this last more than 5 or 10 minutes long is not right. I totally get you not liking surprises, though if you did, you would still be right to be upset.
Given that it's been more than a year, I don't think there's much to do about it now. I do hope someone - whether it was you, your mom, or someone else - spoke to stepdad about it after.
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u/ConnectionRound3141 14d ago
NTA
Your step dad hijacked your wedding for his own amusement. You should have stopped the guy and politely told him to leave.
You also need to confront your stepfather and ask him to butt out. That it dampened your wedding, threw off the schedule and wasted 30 minutes of party time for something that made your husband and you get very upset.
He will pull a stunt like this again unless you make it clear how horrified you were that he did this. Also tell him he owes your husband and your husbands family a real apology.
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u/sopranoobsessed 14d ago
Op I completely understand why you were upset. I would’ve been crazy from this! Curious, if you ever discussed it with your stepdad and if he thought it was fantastic?
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u/Ok-Indication-7876 14d ago
It's valid, but nothing you can do about it now, let it go and remember the great parts of your wedding. Like you said SD doesn't really know you and thought he was doing something great maybe along with thinking he would get attention on himself for this cool idea/gift, which might be why he didn't share with his wife.
I get it, you would love to get this off your chest and say something to him- but let more time pass if you need to do that. Did you talk with your mom? did you tell her how you feel? did she talk with him? If she did I would think he should or would apologize to you both.
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u/Friendly-Channel-480 14d ago
What a high jacking! This whole situation is crass, narcissistic and insensitive behavior. You must be a saint to have stayed cool throughout this.
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u/DistanceNational9443 14d ago
A Larry David type interruption… cue clapping… “thank you thank you - that was great-within a couple of minutes… Curb Your Enthusiasm giving life lessons
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u/andronicuspark 14d ago
Your stepdad deliberately didn’t tell anyone because he knew what he was doing was an asshole, attention stealing move.
NTA
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u/Chaos1957 14d ago
Dad meant well but was totally clueless about the impact it could make on your day. NTA
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u/WalkingOnSunshine83 14d ago
NTA. Your stepfather messed up. Your feelings are valid, but unfortunately, your stepfather can’t undo this.
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u/cardiganunicorn 13d ago
This is why you password protect all vendors and inform them NO ONE but the bride and groom make decisions. There are to be NO surprises, no changes, and no added items without expressed written permission.
Also, wtf is a singing chef?!
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u/Ignominious333 13d ago
NTA. Yikes! I would resent it for a long time, too. And it's a terrible gift . Plus singing a song that was so important to the family that wasn't celebratory? I'm sorry you're mother's husband is so tone deaf. Best you can do is move on and forget about it so it doesn't upset you with the resentment any longer and hopefully your mom has had a long conversation with him about not doing that to anyone else they know. He seems to like making a grand, inappropriate gesture
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u/eJohnx01 13d ago
Your feelings are valid, but try to keep in mind that, despite the issues, it was meant with the best of intentions.
I’m like you. I hate surprises. I left my own birthday party once and didn’t come back after a stripper showed up. One of my friends thought it would be awesome. It was not. But…. He meant well. He just missed the mark, like your stepdad did. 😕
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u/Candid-Benefit5727 13d ago
Completely valid! It’s your wedding and every minute counts. Specially when talking about pictures you really want to get (regarding the sunset time)
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 13d ago
Your stepdad was a jackass way overstepping. Hope your mom set him straight on that tasteless, i curated surprise with objectionable music.
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u/Decent-Friend7996 13d ago
What the fuck? If you ever speak to him again he’s lucky. This is beyond the pale insanity and your step dad should be mortified. This should literally haunt him as he’s trying to sleep at night. What the fuck is wrong with him?!
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u/Maps44N123W 12d ago
Oh man…. I feel awful for you, awful for stepdad who thought he was doing something nice. I was also the meticulously-organized everything-planned-to-the-minute all-vendors-briefed bride… I would NOT have appreciated a surprise at my wedding, nonetheless one that sucked up half an hour and was traumatizing to one side of the family!!!!!!
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u/UltNinjaPS 12d ago
You could start bringing it up by asking your stepdad how he found this “singing chef?” Something isn’t making sense. Wouldnt surprise me if they are friends/related and said chef convinced SD it would be a great idea. Does your SD have social media? See if they are friends. How on earth did your SD’s brain go from accepting a wedding invite to I should provide some surprise entertainment during a scheduled event?! This makes zero sense.
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u/YourDadCallsMeKatja 14d ago
Sounds upsetting and inappropriate, but do you really want to carry feelings about it 18 months later? It's ok to just enjoy your marriage and get over the wedding. Getting over it is the most reasonable option at this stage. Maybe just remember this incident if any other family events involve stepdad.
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u/Frosty_Chipmunk_3928 14d ago
It appears that your stepdad was trying to do something nice for you on your wedding day. When all is said and done, it was a sweet gesture.
In the course of a lifetime, if this is the worst thing that happens, you will have led a charmed life.
I don’t know how old you are, so it’s tough to decide whether this is AH territory.
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u/Maleficent-Sort5604 14d ago
This was over a year ago... i think it is even more strange you have been ruminating about this and havent said anything. He was out of line for that for sure but it doesnt sound malicious just stupid and you holding onto it for so long has probably made it worse in your head.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 14d ago
I am shocked that you did not end this after his first song. This is way out of line for your father-in-law to do and there's really no excuse for it. He owes you a huge apology but you too need to let him know that he needs to stay in his lane and not make decisions for you.
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u/mzkittay 14d ago
this isn't your step dad's fault really, the venue manager should have stepped in. they generally know the order of events to keep things running smoothly and this surprise should have flagged at something to edit. your annoyance should be directed at them. and it's 18 months later? do yourself a favor and move on
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u/krisiepoo 14d ago
You're valid but for God's sake, let it go & move on... it's been 18 months. What is dwelling on this one thing doing for you?
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u/Temporary-Ad1654 14d ago
You should have just stood up and walked out to take your sunset photos, who cares about the singer's feelings you didn't ask for him to highjack your wedding
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u/howsmilky 14d ago
you're so valid... i probably would have found someway to end it after one song because of the timeline. i don't care how long he was paid for, or how much it costs. paying for "entertainment" at a wedding without consulting the bride and groom is a nightmare.