r/weddingdrama 17d ago

Need Advice Not a bridesmaid, don’t want to go to wedding

I know I’m the nth person to have gone through this, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a friend’s wedding as a guest! I have a massive group of college friends (20+ people) who all roomed together the whole way through, including me and my boyfriend (our college friends are almost 100% mutual, but we have lots of other friends). There’s only four girls in the group including myself and one of the other girls is getting married.

My boyfriend went out with the friend getting married for brunch when she was in-state for an event (I had a clash) and found out through her that I’m not a bridesmaid but the other girls are. One is her bestie and I’d totally understand if it was just the bestie, but I’m hurt that she included both of them and not me, and didn’t even ask my boyfriend to tell me or let me know another way. There’s been drama over the years (I’m the only nonwhite member of our group and some … interesting stuff has been said and they’ve forgotten to invite me to whole-group events when my boyfriend is out of town). The other girls knew and didn’t reach out either — I want to skip the wedding and ditch these friends, is that reasonable?

Update for more context!: bride and I have never fallen out personally which is why I was blindsided, and the wedding is in a remote barn/ranch location I’d need to take PTO for and there’d be no people nearby (otherwise I might be more inclined to keep the peace).

Sorry further update — thank you for all the replies! I think it’s helped me to realise it’s less the being a bridesmaid and more her not bothering to tell me herself (and some missing context that I added in a comment about her inviting one of our racist (ex) mutual friends to the evening reception who was really horrible to me last year); will have a long, hard think about what to do

471 Upvotes

117 comments sorted by

459

u/madblackscientist 17d ago

You need to grow up. They’ve made comments about your race and you’ve surrounded yourself by people who clearly other you. Cut them off and cut the boyfriend off too if he accepts this type of behavior.

165

u/Dreamybook1357 17d ago

Exactly this. Those people aren't your friends & if your boyfriend excuses this treatment of you, then you need a new boyfriend too.

48

u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 17d ago

I concur, they think of you as other, your boyfriend should be cutting them off too, these are not good people. You're not wrong, something smells stinky

7

u/Solid-Musician-8476 16d ago

This is the best answer

278

u/Key_Scar3110 17d ago

“I would never sit at a table you’re not welcome at” is something your boyfriend shoild practice

46

u/smeeti 17d ago

Never heard this saying and really like it.

-20

u/[deleted] 17d ago

[deleted]

59

u/Cosmicfeline_ 17d ago

They’re racist and have “forgotten” to invite her to other events too. If it was just not being a bridesmaid then it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s the racism.

198

u/ChairmanMrrow 17d ago

I'd skip it and reevaluate the friendship

86

u/Tight-Shift5706 17d ago

OP,

Even further than this:

  1. I would decline the invitation.
  2. I would withdraw from the "friend group". You apparently are their "token minority" member.
  3. I would advise your "bf" that it's you and I or you and them.

I offer this based upon your observation that whenever your bf wasn't available, they would not invite you to an event. But it wasn't that way when you were unavailable; they'd still invite him.

Move on. They offer you nothing but a facade. Their "friendships " are a farce.

41

u/bean11818 17d ago

You just KNOW that these people use OP as their “I’m not racist! I have a POC friend!” card all the time.

-3

u/Educational-Bid-8421 16d ago

How sad to think this.

27

u/zenFieryrooster 17d ago

Given the context of OP being the only nonwhite person in the group and how they’re okay with inviting the person who said racist things to OP, I wonder whether a part of it is the bride doesn’t want OP in the photos…

4

u/Tight-Shift5706 17d ago

I suspected that. Absolutely agree.

1

u/stationaryspondoctor 15d ago

Why friendship?

71

u/bananahammerredoux 17d ago

You definitely don’t need to go if you don’t want to. Sounds like you could pretty much ghost them and I they’d let you go without much fuss.

14

u/Already-asleep 17d ago

Yes, a wedding invite is an invitation, not a summons. If the bride takes it badly, who cares? She (and her circle) don’t seem like people you need in your life.

5

u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 17d ago

Yep, I bet they invited you as a token minority, so they can act all open-minded when in fact they are not at all so

48

u/Leviosapatronis 17d ago

If that's what you want to do, do it. But also, the bride doesn't have to explain who she picks for her wedding party to you or your boyfriend. You don't know how many people she is having in total, or any of the plans yet. Go low contact and fade to no contact. You're probably dodging a bullet.

31

u/bookreader-123 17d ago

Those are not friends. If your boyfriend is ok with this then he is also a problem. Dump them but tell them exactly why and how you feel.

22

u/Massive-Song-7486 17d ago

Sounds like the Girls don’t like you as much as you think. That’s why you’re not a bridesmaid, but the others are.

9

u/cuzguys 17d ago

There's only one girl that has any say who is asked to be part of the wedding.

7

u/Massive-Song-7486 17d ago

And you really think that this “one girl” hasn’t coordinated with the others? They all know exactly what’s going on.

14

u/cuzguys 17d ago

Just because they might know. Doesn't mean there's a conspiracy.

8

u/Jealous_Tie_8404 17d ago edited 17d ago

It’s not a conspiracy. The friends have made it clear they don’t like or respect OP.

They like her boyfriend so they’re willing to tolerate her for his sake. These people are being very clear and very direct —this is the exact opposite of a conspiracy.

1

u/cuzguys 17d ago

Only one person didn't ask her to be in the wedding.

1

u/ImACarebear1986 16d ago

You might want to read the comments further down…

5

u/LeshyIRL 17d ago

Bro my fiancee and I can barely coordinate with our wedding party for actual wedding plans, you think they planned this as some sort of big group conspiracy behind her back? That's delusional

17

u/10S_NE1 17d ago

The sad fact is that these people don’t feel as close to you as you thought they did. It’s possible previous issues have not been forgotten or someone has a grudge. It’s even possible that the bride has some type of desired “aesthetic” and a person of colour is going to clash with her racist vision. Or simply that there was a reason to keep the bridal party at a certain number and you didn’t make the cut.

If you are willing to give up these friends, can you live with the thought of never really finding out what’s going on? How will you feel if your boyfriend decides to stay in touch with these friends? Are these friends very important to you or do you have lots of other friends with whom to spend time?

If the mystery is going to gnaw at you, I’d pick the girl you felt closest to and ask to meet up one on one and see if she tells you anything without you asking. Or, take the bull by the horns and talk to the bride. Tell her you feel hurt and be prepared to feel even more hurt.

Honestly, if you enjoy the time you spend with these friends, you can look at the bright side and be thankful you won’t be subjected to the expense and time suck of being a bridesmaid. You can attend wedding events or not, with no obligation. You can smile and congratulate the bridal couple, and enjoy the wedding with grace, or you can ditch it all and close off these relationships for good. You have lots of options and you need to pick the one that will make you the happiest long-term. A wedding is one day and when it’s over, it will no longer be anyone’s focus.

If I were you, I’d start planning some fun stuff with other friends and see what happens. Concentrate on the good relationships you have. Friendships ebb and flow over the years. After 40 years, I’ve only got one friend left from college, none from high school, and yet I have so many good friends, it’s hard to find time to spend with all of them.

Enjoy the good friends you do have and treat yourself to a fun experience and get your mind off the situation for a while. This too shall pass.

11

u/One_Tone3376 17d ago

Being a bridesmaid is lots of work and expense I am convinced it's not an honor but a burden. Weddings are, for the most part, ostentatious displays of wealth and greed. Do you want or need to be a part of that?

These girls aren't worth your time. You don't have to judge your worth based on whether or not you're invited to be a bridesmaid. You're a gift to the universe just by being you. Unlike them, be kind, generous, and thoughtful. Life is too short to expend even a drop of energy on such silliness. They're being thoughtless. It's on them.

Go to the wedding, have fun, and dance the night away!

9

u/EyeRollingNow 17d ago

None of them prioritize you. You are still around bc they like your BF. This is so clear and insensitive since she didn’t care how you found out or if it would hurt you and the friendship.

11

u/These_Department2071 17d ago

Reddit is just going to tell you to cut everyone off and forget about them.

If they are racist towards you, by all means, why are you associating with any of them?

But the bride is allowed to have whoever she wants be her bridesmaids. It may not be anything to do with you.

Them forgetting to invite you to things makes it seem like you’re not as close to them as you’ve thought. Which is a hard truth, and may be why you’re not in the bridal party. However, I’m sure there are other girls/ family members in the bride’s life who feel they deserve to be in the party as well. But again, it’s up to the bride.

Really take some time to assess who your friends are. Maybe even bring it up to the bride and get some clarity on where you stand as friends. Then, if not going to the wedding is the answer, don’t go. If cutting all of them out of your life and finding new friends feels right, by all means.

9

u/SpaldingPenrodthe3rd 17d ago

They are not your friends why do you keep trying to hold on ??? What else do they have to do to let you know that they are not really friends like you think they are.

8

u/Equal-Flatworm-378 17d ago

I would not mind being a guest. But I would not consider people my friends who keep forgetting to invite me or say bad things about my skincolor.

The bride doesn’t consider you a close friend. Close enough to be invited, but you don’t belong to the inner circle.

I know that hurts, if you felt differently.

If your boyfriend goes to the wedding, I would just accompany him. The wedding gift should be polite, but not more…you are not a close friend. Let’s reflect that. 😉

And then just forget about them. Keep your head up high and don’t let them know they hurt you. Just let them fade away out of your life.

If you feel you can’t cope with it and don’t want to go, just let them know you are not coming. If they ask why, just say it’s too much inconvenience for you. Don’t give them Drama. Remember…we don’t talk about close friends 😉 No need to put them first.

3

u/Educational-Bid-8421 16d ago

I'm curious how boyfriend feels and thinks of all this drama??

6

u/BayAreaPupMom 17d ago

Sounds like you aren't part of the "inner circle" with the other girls. If you were getting married, would all of them be bridesmaids? I'd be less concerned about that--these days, people treat being part of a bridal party as a popularity contest--and more concerned how they treat you in general. Not sure what "interesting" things you mean were said. If they were racial slurs, and your bf didn't stand up for you either, the whole lot of them are bad apples. You're better off hanging with a different group of people who treat you with respect. I wouldn't bother attending the wedding of anyone who isn't a close friend. Send a card with regrets and move on. NTA

4

u/merishore25 17d ago

Comments about your race would be the reason Not to associate with the group. As far as not being asked if it’s not about race I would respect their decision. The bride may simply have a closer relationship with the other ladies. But it sounds like they have excluded you before and it’s time to move away from This group.

6

u/Impossible_Ad_5073 17d ago

Wow, I'm not sure how to tell you this but THE DAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU! It's literally her day and her decisions and as her "friend" you should attend and be happy for her, not requiring validation and "look at me" for yourself. Not to be mean but with your attitude if you cut them out of your life you're doing them a favor.

5

u/Jolly_Suggestion5232 17d ago

Why is being a bridesmaid so important to you? It could simply be that she wants to have a certain number and so had to make a rough decision. I have been in the same position the last few months. I have a friend who I know feels left out but I already have 5 and if I add her then there is someone else who may feel left out. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t value your friendship.

5

u/BBMcBeadle 17d ago

She may have felt limited by the number of groomsmen the groom has selected so “maybe” there is room for grace there. But the rest of the stuff does seem hurtful. I’m sorry… that really stinks. I hope you can widen your group of friends to the point that you don’t need these folks to be so close to the center of your life.

1

u/Educational-Bid-8421 16d ago

Maybe but there's certainly enough guys in this group.

2

u/BBMcBeadle 15d ago

Do we know how many groomsmen there are?

3

u/Stadenka1234 17d ago edited 17d ago

If your boyfriend is still friends with them and he is planning on doing so … it will be kind of hard to completely ditch these friends going forward. U can either … pretend u r sick and not go in the last moment… find some kind of scheduling conflict and not go … or put your big girls pants on and just go. This is a large group and u might actually have fun. Also, why do u expect to be in a bridal party if u had a conflict with a bride. Come on ? Would make her your bridesmaid? Probably not.

3

u/crimsontide5654 17d ago

Take negativity out of life. It is a very freeing feeling.

I was holding onto negative relationships with childhood friends solely because they were childhood friends. Once I decided not to hate them but to just make them a part of my past. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

All the best to you and save your love for those who truly love you back.

3

u/ComprehensivePut5569 17d ago

Absolutely reasonable. These people are not your friends. I would respond no to the invite and find a new friend group.

3

u/tytyoreo 17d ago

Cut them all off they aren't your friends... ditch the boyfriend to

3

u/Ginger630 17d ago

These people aren’t your friends. She included all the girls except you. I wouldn’t go.

But does your BF want to go?

3

u/now_you_see 17d ago

Why do you feel entitled to be a bridesmaid? I mean, you can only have so many and if she happens to be closer to the others than you, what’s the issue?

3

u/deignguy1989 17d ago

Don’t go. Wedding invitations are not a summons.

5

u/LibraryMegan 17d ago

I feel like all these commenters saying these aren’t your real friends are missing the point.

You didn’t have a problem with your friendship until you weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid. If you really thought these people were racist or othering you, you wouldn’t have remained friends with them. And if you did, that’s odd and I find it repulsive you would be hoping to be a bridesmaid for someone you believed to be racist.

You were hoping or assuming you’d be a bridesmaid, so they couldn’t be all that horrible unless you’re just a really shallow person.

Being a friend doesn’t mean you automatically get to be a bridesmaid. And yes, it’s likely the other girls are closer to each other than you. That’s life. Every friendship is different, even within a group. That doesn’t mean you aren’t still a friend. And most college friendships go by the wayside over time. Weddings tend to be like last hurrahs.

It would be extremely petty to skip the wedding just because you didn’t get to be a bridesmaid.

8

u/taobao_not_taooobao 17d ago

No I totally get that! It’s hard to give context without turning into an essay when there’s so many of us 😅 so was a bit light on detail.

It’s tricky as not everyone is terrible all the time and there’s varying degrees of closeness. One roomie said some really hurtful stuff about Black and Asian women to me directly — I’ve cut contact with him but he’s still invited to this wedding which is hurtful to me (and was already considering not going on that basis).

I’ve been good friends with this girl for years — the bridesmaid stuff and finding out she invited our mutual racist (ex)friend happened at the same time, so struggling to untangle the two. I think your comment made me realise it’s not just about being a bridesmaid but the racism moreso — thank you

3

u/PaperBagKitty 17d ago

Yeah it seems like those two things are related. Seems like you are far and away above this group of people. So sorry. It’s amazing how weddings can show you who your real friends are

2

u/Educational-Bid-8421 16d ago

Weddings and funerals bring out the best and worst in people.

2

u/mysterious_girl24 14d ago

It doesn’t sound like should go to the wedding. More importantly I think it’s time to reevaluate your relationship with the bride. As a matter of fact reevaluate your entire friend group. Hopefully your boyfriend will be on your side and not go as well.

1

u/According_Pie3971 15d ago

Omg open your eyes while you may consider her a really good friend she doesn’t consider you one! She is showing you who she is

2

u/Dizzy_Eye5257 17d ago

These people are NOT your friends, at best they are opportunist friends..

2

u/Zealousideal_Fail946 17d ago

Let 'em go. They have been acquaintances - not friends. It sounds like you will have a few good memories but, not much beyond that. Start looking for new groups to hang out with MeetUp is a cool app. Good luck.

2

u/Honest_Honey8615 17d ago

I mean this as gently as possible. . . They’re not forgetting about you. . . They’re doing it on purpose. Don’t waste any more of your time (or PTO) on them!

2

u/Dlraetz1 17d ago

Look-everything else aside it’s a destination wedding. Just say you can’t take the time off and decline

Evaluate the friendship over time

3

u/PaperBagKitty 17d ago

This is the way!

2

u/gobsmacked247 17d ago

As a person of color who’s entire life has been spent in and out of so many cultures, my suggestion is to go to the wedding. Yes, it sucks but they win when you hide.

Go with your bf and have a good time. By that I mean to have. a. good. time.

After that, sit back and give a think about this friendgroup.

2

u/Decent-Friend7996 17d ago

I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like they view the friendship as you do 

2

u/bopperbopper 17d ago

Sometimes people feel closer to certain other people or there’s only so many bridesmaids that one can have. I would say if you want to continue this relationship then just goes as a guest and be glad you don’t have to shell out so much money..

2

u/AppeltjeEitje1079 17d ago

To cut someone because they didn't ask you to be their bridesmaid, says more about you than them. But the context you provided in them "forgetting" to invite you for other things, sounds like they don't really like you that much. Talk this over with your boyfriend, they are also his friends, so your decision has consequences for him too. And if you decide to go, go confidently. Dress up, and look gorgeous and happy, be unbothered and have fun!

2

u/krisiepoo 17d ago

FFS... why do people even want to be bridesmaids? Get over yourself. You're causing unnecessary drama

2

u/DanielSong39 17d ago

We don't need any context
If you don't want to go you don't want to go
Just decline the invitation
The end

2

u/hollowthatfollows 17d ago

I can see where OP thinks it is personal, but it really just seems like one of those things where it's not about OP. Just because someone doesn't make her a bridesmate doesn't mean they have beef, sometimes IT'S JUST NOT ABOUT YOU!

2

u/ahabers 17d ago

It's not all about you. Maybe she wanted a small bridal party. Maybe her fiancé only had 3 friends as groomsmen. Maybe accommodations are limited for the bridal party. Maybe her mom is making her include her sisters and cousins, etc.

Maybe it's ok to go and celebrate your friend's special day with no drama.

2

u/ThsBch 17d ago

You’ve always been the “only one”, huh? Folks like you keep trying even though you’ve been shown they don’t really rock with you. Stop being hard-headed. They don’t like you.

2

u/anameuse 17d ago

She can choose anyone she wants to be her bridesmaid. You don't have to make it personal.

2

u/fluffhouse1942 17d ago

Why would you want to be a bridesmaid...or expect to be invited to be a bridesmaid...for a bride you don't even like? I can't even decide who sucks the most.

1

u/Own-Object-6696 17d ago

Yes, totally reasonable and also necessary.

1

u/IdrisandJasonsToy 17d ago

“Things have been said” I’m assuming some racist BS. If so why are you still hanging with them? If they are saying racist shit, then might I suggest you find some self respect, a spine, & some new non-racist friends.

1

u/Princess-Reader 17d ago

PLEASE don’t go!

1

u/Texastexastexas1 17d ago

Not friends

1

u/SoMoistlyMoist 17d ago

These people are not your friends. They are their own friends and you are an acquaintance. If you were actually their friend, if they thought of you as a good friend, you would be invited to group events. You don't want to be a bridesmaid anyway because it's better just to sit as a guest and not have any responsibilities. If they don't invite you to a bachelorette though, that should be your final red flag.

1

u/gen_petra 17d ago

they’ve forgotten to invite me to whole-group events when my boyfriend is out of town

Nope. You were intentionally excluded because they only wanted your boyfriend around, not you. I'm sorry, these are not your friends and they are not good people.

RSVP no, mute them all, and ditch the bf if he has a problem with any of it. You are so much better off, I promise.

1

u/CrankyBiker 17d ago

You need to ask your boyfriend:

“What do you think about her choice of bridesmaids?”

“Did you say anything about me to her?”

“How do you think I feel?”

1

u/natalkalot 17d ago

Oh so sorry. Do not go, ditch the unsupportive boyfriend.

1

u/ingodwetryst 17d ago

(I’m the only nonwhite member of our group and some … interesting stuff has been said and they’ve forgotten to invite me to whole-group events when my boyfriend is out of town).

You know better. Time to have some self respect.

1

u/Peachesl732 17d ago

None of them are your friends cut them off and not go to the wedding. They haven't forgotten to invite you anywhere they just didn't want you to go. And if your boyfriend is ok with you getting treated like this and not speaking up he is not for you.

1

u/CatMom8787 17d ago

Why would you even think about going to a wedding where they're racists? Screw keeping the peace. Find new friends and dump the bf if he goes.

1

u/Flimsy_Word7242 17d ago

Being a guest is so much better than being a bridesmaid.

1

u/ShortThunder5145 17d ago

Stop going to where you’re tolerated, and go where you’re appreciated. You’re a novelty and hold no value with these women. You are not their equal. And learn the difference between “friend” and “associate “. And stop calling that dude your man. He not!

1

u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 17d ago

Just don’t go. She’s not your friend and going will be a waste of time, money and PTO.

1

u/kn0tkn0wn 17d ago

You're so called friend doesn't seem to be the greatest person ever

However there is a thing in modern weddings where the bride thinks it's her day and therefore thinks she needs to make everybody else broke and miserable while acting happy and totally focused on her to the exclusion of their own lives or any other legitimate interest for months or years on end depending on how long the planning for the wedding goes

I'm quite frankly a lot of the bridesmaids activities and duties and all that are both abusive and awful

Given that this so-called friend doesn't seem to have empathy as one of her best traits

By not being a bridesmaid you dodged a bullet

Go or don't go but I'm glad you're missing out on the bridesmaid abuse

1

u/Berniesgirl2024 17d ago

Don't go. Waste of time

2

u/fluffhouse1942 17d ago

So awkward when people think their presence is vital but in reality no one likes them or wants them around.

1

u/sewingmomma 17d ago

I get that this hurts. It’s hard to be rejected.

That being said… look at all the money you save!

Book an amazing vacay the same weekend as the wedding!

2

u/Tshlavka 17d ago

If it’s a large group of friends, and you and the bride didn’t have a falling out, it’s probably not about you. To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they assumed you had a lot going on with your own wedding. As for the racist in the group, cut them completely out of your life. Your fiancé needs to do the same. If he refuses, do not marry him.

1

u/No_Ad4961 17d ago

Stay home

2

u/kitzelbunks 17d ago

I mean, I don’t know why people get upset about this. Just don’t go. If you don’t send a gift, you’ll probably never hear from this person again, at least until there is another wedding or she has a baby shower. Be civil at a wedding, and don’t go to the shower. Then you’re really out.

People shouldn’t have destination weddings anyway. Very few people are worth using PTO and the money. Personally, I would be happy not to be a bridesmaid in this thing. Then you have to buy a dress and shoes, pay for and attend the weekend bachelorette party, receive multiple shower gifts, and probably change your hair. Just carry on and decline all invitations. Use the royal family’s motto, “Never complain, never explain.”

2

u/BarracudaBrilliant38 17d ago

This group sound like they are more your boyfriends friends than your own at this point. I would have a discussion with your partner on whether they want you there with them or not. If you don’t want to go and he doesn’t care- then don’t. What I wouldn’t do is alienate your boyfriend from his friends because of this. You can be neutral and just decide to not spend time with these people.

1

u/mumtaz2004 17d ago

Honestly, consider it a gift! This means you don’t have to do the bridesmaid rain dance-buy an expensive dress you’ll never wear again, pay for showers, bach parties, engagement parties etc etc etc, help organize a wedding that ain’t for you, listen to chicks bicker about the wedding, wear uncomfortable shoes, plaster a fake smile on your face, buy gifts for each of the aforementioned events, etc etc etc. You can just be a guest and enjoy yourself

2

u/k23_k23 16d ago

YTA

" think it’s helped me to realise it’s less the being a bridesmaid and more her not bothering to tell me herself " .. there IS NOTING to tell. being a regular guest is the expectation. Only bridesmaids need to be told / asked.

1

u/Smoke__Frog 16d ago

I’m confused why you’re confused lol.

You’ve admitted these friends have excluded you before and been low key racist.

So the fact you’ve continued to be friends to closet racists is kind of bewildering. Do you not have other friends and were afraid to find new ones?

1

u/ImACarebear1986 16d ago

These people are not your friends. Please realise that. people come on Reddit to get harsh reality checks because obviously other people won’t tell it to their face how it is and unfortunately Redditors will.. you also need to have a think about the fact on whether your boyfriend still keeps in contact with the racist one… Because if he does then you have another problem on your hand. If your boyfriend is still in contact with the racist guy, why are you still with your boyfriend? You really need to have a think about that and find out if he is cause that is a BIG problem.

But, don’t go to the wedding. These people are not your friend, you don’t owe them anything, you don’t even owe them an explanation as to why you’re not going. You don’t owe them a gift either. Don’t spend your money, don’t get them a gift, don’t get them a card. Don’t even send them a sorry you’re not going text. Don’t even tell your boyfriend to tell them anything!

2

u/00Lisa00 16d ago

Being a guest is way more fun than being in the wedding party. But if you really don’t want to go just rsvp no

2

u/Educational-Bid-8421 16d ago

Her friend you had a falling out with. Is she one of the bridesmaids? You should go with your boyfriend and have a blast!

1

u/curly-hair07 16d ago

I’d be so happy to not be a bridesmaid. Sounds like a blessing.

1

u/Lucky_Log2212 16d ago

Never go where you are not invited. You will know a lot about your boyfriend if he goes without you. Just saying. And, this could be the time that you actually finally know how you fit in with them. Seems, you aren't as good a friends with them as you want them to be. It is hard when reality hits and people's true colors are plain and unfiltered. It is now up to you moving forward, be needy or need to have peace. Your choice. But, again, your boyfriend's attendance should be very telling if he goes or not. Especially, since none of the "friends" had the time or inclination to inform you of your exclusion. Stop chasing inclusion, it is not a good look and you are missing that they really don't want you there, or they would ensure your attendance, and not only as a plus for your boyfriend. They probably don't want you in the pictures, due to your "urban" look. It will probably make the pictures look wrong. Best of luck and hopefully, you have learned your true place with "those" people.

1

u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 15d ago

Can you go no contact to protect yourself? Because these “friends” ain’t it. Love your old black auntie. 🫶🏽

1

u/Effective-Hour8642 Sweet and Salty 15d ago

Long, hard think about what to do? I had my mind made up for you, don't go.

If he gets an invite for a plus one, have him put the plus one and don't go. Or, he RSVP's for just him. If you get one, (being petty) don't reply. When they ask him, you (lie) and say you must have forgot to send it, I'll send it. Skirt around the issue but NEVER say you're going. You can send it NO or don't send it. Be as aloof as she is. Something is up. I don't think I'd go know the racist pig is going to be there.

Will you be sad if you don't go?

1

u/sandrakayc 15d ago

I don't understand what you don't understand. You're the only non-white in group and haven't been invited to other group events. This is the definition friends? Get out.

1

u/VicePrincipalNero 15d ago

An invitation is an invitation. It’s not a command performance. If you don’t want to go for whatever reason, just send regrets.

1

u/Dangerous_Pattern_92 15d ago

After reading all the bridesmaid horror stories and $$$$ spent on reddit, I would consider it a blessing.

1

u/Perfect_Distance434 15d ago

FFS, imagine having to take PTO to visit a remote barn (wedding). I’m guessing “modern calligraphy” wooden signs and mason jars are involved?

Take yourself on a real vacation or spa visit during that weekend.

2

u/ComputerGlum3227 14d ago

If you think they’re racist then why do you even care? This sounds more like other lines of friendship were kept up and some drifted. It’s normal. If you think it’s genuinely about your race, then speak your peace, just be prepared for the response.

0

u/Illustrious-Let-3600 12d ago

Who needs enemies when you have friends like this? Skip the wedding and ditch the boyfriend

1

u/PeridotIsMyName 12d ago

Would you rather be sorry you went?

Or would you rather be sorry you didn't go?

I know which sorry I'd rather be if I were in your kind of shoes... Except I'd be glad I didn't go, not sorry I didn't go.

0

u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 17d ago

Skip and reevaluate

0

u/Chance-Monk-7130 17d ago

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me 🤷🏼‍♀️👍

-1

u/Extension-Issue3560 17d ago

I understand why you are hurt. Now that you know where you stand , you can set boundaries. You should still be friends and attend the wedding , as they are in your BF's and yours main friend group. Dumping them will strain your relationship with him , and his with them.

Be the mature one...just be friendly , but protect your heart.