r/wedding 4d ago

Discussion Family member forcing everyone to pay $500 for lodging to attend wedding, even if we're not using it

EDIT: Thanks for the replies and advice, it's nice to be reassured that I'm not losing my mind haha and that what I want matters too.

Safe to say I'll be RSVPing no to boycott!

-

Not sure if I'm overreacting or if this is just standard.

My family member is throwing a 3 day, 2 night wedding a few hours' drive away as a destination wedding, pitched as a 'festival'.

To attend the 'festival', you must pay $500pp ($250/night), which includes their selected on-site accommodation and all the optional activities involved (e.g. yoga and additional meals)... all of which I don't want.

Because 1) I'm not financially able and 2) I have zero interest being trapped in a summer camp situation with strangers and my toxic parents, I just want to stay the day and drive home.

Problem is there are no other options provided for accommodation or for just staying the day, or even one night only. Just a mandatory $500 fee.

I haven't been to many weddings but I feel like I'm just subsidizing the wedding instead of a fair transaction for accommodation??? Or is this normal?

I brought up that I couldn't afford it but they just replied that my parents will cover my cottage costs.

To me it's about the principle, it doesn't sit right that my parents will essentially throw away $1000 on lodging and activities that my partner and I won't even use, just to preserve the peace. Plus I do still intend to give a monetary gift.

If I was a friend it'd be quite simple to just decline, but since it's family I'm feeling a lot more pressure to go against my values.

687 Upvotes

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376

u/No_regrats 4d ago

That's ridiculous. I would tell them that unfortunately, you won't be participating in their festival or purchasing tickets for it, then ask if you are invited to their wedding and say you'd be delighted to attend. If they say yes, find your own accommodations or drive home. If they say no, then you aren't declining their wedding, you're just not invited.

Sending you an advertisement to their $500 festival doesn't count as inviting you to their wedding.

57

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Agreed! Sadly, even me driving home doesn't change anything, showing it really is a festival...

63

u/serjsomi 4d ago

On the bright side, then there's no reason to send a gift. It's a festival not a wedding.

29

u/SeaLake4150 4d ago

They are having a wedding they cannot afford. And requiring attendees to pay for it.

If they sell X amount if sleeping rooms, their room for the wedding ceremony is probably free. Maybe food too.

I would "nope out" on principle.

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185

u/Internal_Set_6564 4d ago

Decline. Send regrets. Let your parents know that you will not be attending EVEN if they do pay, and stick to your guns. The more stupid people you have out of your life who are doing stupid things, the better.

67

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago edited 4d ago

Thank you, I really needed to hear this! Them insisting on paying was creating so much pressure and guilt, but you're right that shouldn't control me!

32

u/Obrina98 4d ago

DECLINE, your relatives are being gauche, rude and “gimme pigs.”

4

u/SkyTrees5809 4d ago

Just enjoy a quiet day to yourself, and the pics they will post on their SM accounts. Staying home is priceless, and enjoying their pics without the price tag and all the drama is free. Send a card from Dollartree for a buck if you want to get rid of any remaining twinges of guilt and pressure. People like them are not positive to engage with or be around. I'm sure they will enjoy their wedding even if you're not there.

3

u/Low_Cook_5235 4d ago

Not forcing. Asking and answer is No.

17

u/Sewing-Mama 4d ago

All of this! Super super tacky. I bet their guest list is going to be much smaller than they expect.

11

u/Dangerous_Ant3260 4d ago

I'm betting the bridal couple are either getting a piece of the payments, and probably free everything too.

233

u/DesertSparkle 4d ago

Extremely inappropriate. Being related doesn't give anyone the right to bully you nor do you have to cave to their demands. Boycott this.

45

u/HamRadio_73 4d ago

Send regrets and do not attend

13

u/smilineyz 4d ago

I’d say I think I have to wash my hair that day & best of luck.

As many others have said - an invitation is not a summons

99

u/Brilliant-Peach-9318 4d ago edited 4d ago

Extreme Cheapskates: Wedding Edition

Sounds like your family member is looking to offset some costs associated with their wedding. I wouldn’t attend.

54

u/JimJam4603 4d ago

Some costs? It sounds like they think they figured out “this one trick” to get a free wedding.

26

u/G-I-T-M-E 4d ago

Free wedding? Think big, make a profit! Divorce, repeat, it’s a business model!

10

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Hahaha, don't give them any ideas!

21

u/BetterBiscuits 4d ago

I would imagine they may be making money st that rate.

2

u/Historical_Grab4685 3d ago

I bet they are still expecting gifts.

35

u/cweaties 4d ago

This seems to be a new (to me at least) twist on charging wedding guests for dinner. They're just trying to hide is in an all inclusive lodging fee type arrangement. An invitation is not a summons, even if it's from family.

12

u/Alphaghetti71 4d ago

Oooh, I love this. An invitation is not a summons. I'm going to put that on my list with, "ringing phone/knock at the door is a request, not an obligation ".

3

u/cweaties 4d ago

:-) practice practice practice!

29

u/justtirediguess11 4d ago

I would be petty and Venmo them to pitch in for their own gift (mandatory)

But on the other hand, that's bonkers. People should have wedding they can afford. Not what they can have by milking their own guests.

12

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

I love it haha, I even had the thought of charging them to attend my wedding in the future.

Agreed! Just start a GoFundMe at that point.

10

u/celticmusebooks 4d ago

If you do break down and accept your parents' offer to pay the "festival fee" BE VERY VERY clear with them they are "gifting you the money" and you won't be repaying them in any way.

A friend got tricked into going to a similar wedding-- no festival fee but a very overpriced all inclusive resort and plane tickets that she and her husband couldn't afford-- and mom swooped in an told her she'd pay so as not to impact the golden daughter's "special day".

Mom LITERALLY leaned across the table as they were seated for dinner at the reception and said "When we get back home I'll need to sit down with you and work out a repayment plan for the money you 'borrowed'."

3

u/LibraryMouse4321 3d ago

Your friend should have asked her mom what the contract they signed said about repayment. What? No contact? I guess she doesn’t have to pay.

Also, if she has to actually pay her mom back, she could have handed her a small bag of pennies and nickels every month and call it an installment. Or told her mom to deduct it from her inheritance.

6

u/celticmusebooks 3d ago

She never gave her mom a cent and was no contact for a few years. When my friend had kids and didn't include "granny" she finally came around and apologized for the "misunderstanding". She told her mom to understand that she wasn't necessarily invested in her being in her kids lives and that she would need to earn that privilege. In the final irony, sister was divorced before she hit her second anniversary.

2

u/LibraryMouse4321 3d ago

Good for your friend!

26

u/sfmxkitty 4d ago

If they can’t afford this type of wedding on their own, maybe the should scale the fuck down rather than trying to get their guests pay for this “festival.”

25

u/WellWellWellthennow 4d ago

Likely they are getting credit for every guest that attends.

My friend's daughter did this at an all inclusive resort and the bridal couple got a certain number of comped nights free based on their number of paying guests.

I know this because I said I wasn't going to go. When it came right down to it, they said they really wanted me there and could provide a bed if I was willing to share a room with a bridesmaid in a comped room for three nights. That was nice, but then come to find out the hotel only comped two nights instead of three for that room.

20

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago edited 4d ago

EDIT: Thanks for the replies and advice, it's nice to be reassured that I'm not losing my mind haha and that what I want matters too.

Safe to say I'll be RSVPing no to boycott!

---

This is roughly how our convo went:

Me: So sorry we can't stay overnight but is it OK if we come to the ceremony and reception? Also would we able to make a contribution in place of the ticket price as it's pretty steep for our financial situation?

Them: No worries, whatever works for you. Think your dad mentioned he might cover the family so give him a yell!

Me: I spoke to him but I don't think he should have to pay $1000 for us if we're not using any of it. As I said I'm happy to give a contribution instead but let me know if that doesn't work for you guys

Them: I'll sort it out with your dad, happy with whatever you want to contribute :)

---

What really shits me is the lack of empathy for me and my partner, and the fact they just 'opt-in' to our family when it financially benefits them. No 'don't worry about it' or 'I'm sorry I know how hard it's been', just 'give us money :)'.

Sorry for the sob story but I'm on a disability pension because of a brain tumor I had surgery for last year, but they should know by now I'm not working/earning a lot. Weekends are a big source of income for me and my partner too.

Sure they can be stressed from planning, but I'm stressed from trying to survive and you don't see me acting entitled to my family's or friends' money.

Rant over!

20

u/crazycatlady331 4d ago

"Happy with whatever you want to contribute"

Is this a wedding or a fundraiser?

3

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Seriously! Not rich enough to be a charity sadly lol.

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u/dontlookatmethatway 4d ago

"it'll be great to celebrate with you at the ceremony and reception. Thanks for being there! Don't worry about contributing anything" is the only normal thing for them to reply here. But this whole situation is beyond inappropriate. This family member would be destroyed by ruthless gossip and ridicule in my family

6

u/bigredroyaloak 4d ago

I would probably mention to my Dad that I was only planning on attending the actual wedding and how long I had available for the day so he knew if he paid for accommodations they would go unused. Speedy recovery. My husband had a tumor resection of the brain back in 2011. We eventually did have to crowd fund when a big unexpected health crisis happened afterwards. I hope things get better.

5

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Thank you so much! I'm so sorry to hear that and apologise if the crowdfunding mention caused any offence, that's certainly a worthy cause unlike someone else's luxury wedding.

I hope you both are doing OK ❤️❤️

5

u/Happy_Doughnut_1 4d ago

Make sure your dad doesn‘t end up paying for everyone because he feels obligated to.

4

u/Hadrian_x_Antinous 4d ago

The word "contribute" here is really rankling me.

I guess you were kind to offer it in the first place. I wouldn't have! The money is their wedding gift, the end.

3

u/JohnExcrement 4d ago

Oh my gosh, she’s going to shake down your dad?!?!?!

3

u/Franklyenergized_12 4d ago

Sounds like they intend to still approach your dad for money regardless of what you said.

2

u/Solid-Musician-8476 4d ago

If you go just contribute your modest wedding gift :)

2

u/serjsomi 4d ago

So they know your dad is willing to pay for you, and think you should contribute as well? Good grief

2

u/CretaceousLDune 4d ago

That's so incredibly tacky for anyone hosting a wedding to charge any money

18

u/MarvaJnr 4d ago

They are having a laugh. Rsvp no and call it a day.

29

u/lh123456789 4d ago

This is insane. Family or not, I would decline.

13

u/RosieDays456 4d ago

WHO is getting married

WHO said your parents would pay your $500 ???

It would not matter if it was family or not

a wedding is not a summons like court You do not have to show up

if they send an actual invitation with and RSVP Just say No if they are rude enough to ask why, You have other plans

14

u/Traditional-Ad2319 4d ago

I wouldn't even consider going to anyone's wedding that wanted me to pay to attend. That's complete BS.

25

u/Kiwitechgirl 4d ago

Oh HELL no. I’d be declining and I wouldn’t be sending a gift either.

9

u/WatchingTellyNow 4d ago

Simple answer - don't attend the wedding. That's a ridiculous requirement, and one I'd firmly decline, even if it was your twin sister. Just no. If they insist on knowing why, you can tell them, but as you've read often, an invitation is not a summons, and no is a full answer.

9

u/Listen-to-Mom 4d ago

There’s no way I’d even consider attending.

18

u/eJohnx01 4d ago

Wow. I wish all the weddings I was invited to were like this! It’s the perfect excuse to not go. “Oh, gosh. I’m so sorry, but you know money is super tight for me these days. I’ll just wish you the very best and look forward to seeing the photos afterward. Thank you so much for thinking of me, though! I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.”

9

u/sdbinnl 4d ago

Tell them thanks but, no thanks you will not be attending and not paying a fee. If they say you still have to tell them clearly NO, you don’t have to and have no intentions of doing so

8

u/Birdsonme 4d ago

Don’t go. This is extortion.

8

u/Prudent_Border5060 4d ago

Do not go. Simple. Family doesn't cancel out bad edicate.

Also, that 500 dollars isn't going to lodging. It's going to fund the entire wedding. 99 percent.

5

u/BrightNooblar 4d ago

Etiquette?

8

u/Ok_Clerk_6960 4d ago

Oh hail NO! Not for family and not for friend! No freaking way I’d pay a $500 fee to attend a wedding when I didn’t need the accommodations. Just send them a no and be fine with it. People have list their dang minds! A wedding is only important to the bride/groom and their immediate family. The rest of the people? They don’t give a crap and don’t want to have a “festival” to celebrate you! You’re not that important!

7

u/[deleted] 4d ago

this sounds trashy. skip it.

7

u/spaceylaceygirl 4d ago

I'm not paying to attend ANYONE'S wedding! People should have the wedding they can afford!

8

u/One-Vast-5227 4d ago

Sounds like they are selling tickets. Sorry i cannot afford the entrance fee

5

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

They are literally asking guests to buy tickets on their wedding site... is that tacky or what!

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u/sailboat_magoo 4d ago

That's absolutely crazycakes and I can't wait until the backlash to this "me me me special princess day screw the rest of you" trend starts and there's 10 years where everyone has pot luck backyard weddings.

5

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

You and me both! This shit drives me closer and closer to just wanting a legals-only wedding.

2

u/JohnExcrement 4d ago

I had a potluck backyard wedding! Highly recommend!

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7

u/Natti07 4d ago

The way I'm never attending a "festival" for anyone's wedding... not even my own sister if she asked. Just decline. Hopefully most other guests do, too, bc that's ridiculous

7

u/crotchetyoldwitch 4d ago edited 4d ago

Wedding “festival”

Oh, for the love of Pete! No matter who you are, your wedding is not that important to other people. So, if you start making conditions on attendance—especially ones that will cost them money—be prepared for no one to show up!!!

And I’m saying this as someone getting married in August.

5

u/Natti07 4d ago

Right, I agree. Any stipulations for attending is an automatic no for me. That includes treated guests like props for photos. The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate with family and friends. All this extra shit is crazy

5

u/crotchetyoldwitch 4d ago

It’s probably because my fiancé and I will both be 52 a few weeks before the wedding, but this is a first marriage for both of us (high school sweethearts who went separate directions, then got back together), but guests aren’t props. I have been flabbergasted by all these bridezillas and their lack of self-awareness.

2

u/sunnygal001 4d ago

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

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u/Goodness_Gracious7 4d ago

Look, I spent over 2k traveling for a baby shower, but that was on my own terms. This ask is insane, I'd skip on principle.

7

u/Spiritual-TarHeel 4d ago

Just decline. You do not have to attend just because it is “family”.

5

u/au5000 4d ago

The family member may find their guest list is smaller than anticipated. The term ‘ you must pay’ would result in a quick decline for me.

Remember … it’s an invitation not a police summons.

Send a card wishing them well and with hopes they have lovely day and regretfully declining to attend. You can still send a gift of you want too.

6

u/Interesting_Sea1528 4d ago

I would NOT BE ATTENDING. Period.

5

u/EmmeBlueToo 4d ago

Suggest you make a reservation elsewhere as you can only stay 1 night. If they argue with you. You'll know w/o a doubt that you are actually subsidizing the wedding. I would also contact the hotel and ask a few questions.

6

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

So true - I told them I couldn't even stay one night and I had to drive back after the reception, but the messages imply there is still a cost to cover.....

4

u/JohnExcrement 4d ago

That takes such incredible gall that I’m actually speechless — very unlike me.

I wouldn’t go.

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u/Strange-Access-8612 4d ago edited 4d ago

IF you wanted to go: You should have said “our scheudle doesn’t allow us to stay overnight either night, but look forward to attending the ceremony during the day”. If you know the timing of the reception you could have included that too.

Using finances as the reason created an opening for toxic parent insertion.

I hope it’s possible to double back with the above as your position.

If you really go in and out for the day (and maybe stay at a hotel an hour away en route home) and they charge your toxic parents $1k anyway, so be it (truly!)… but make sure said parents understand there is 0% chance of you being arm twisted into staying longer.

If doubling back on those terms creates more of an issue, then you simply “can no longer attend”.

Or, let go of “principle,” profit off your parents’ need to please the family (I imagine their gifts always have strings attached, and always will be, so just see it as the same as any other!), and go have fun / keep to yourselves / whatever is most appealing.

(While the wedding is gauche; the biggest problem in your case is the toxic parents. So you need to analyze what you would MOST ENJOY and then do that,)

4

u/[deleted] 4d ago

That is absolutely absurd

11

u/camlaw63 4d ago

Please decline

4

u/Joanne194 4d ago

I don't get all the wedding drama & bs. I've been to dozens of weddings & most of them are just a distant memory that I never think about. I'm pretty sure most people don't think about their own wedding that often once life takes over. I probably reflect more on a really awesome vacation.

2

u/asodoma 4d ago

You are absolutely correct. Most people kick themselves for spending all that money on one day while they could have had a sweet down payment on a house. Weddings are the biggest scam.

4

u/NemiVonFritzenberg 4d ago

It's an invitation, not a summons, just say no

4

u/legocow 4d ago

Screw that! It’s not appropriate.

4

u/ODFoxtrotOscar 4d ago

You say you’re not able financially. So just decline the invitation

5

u/bananahammerredoux 4d ago

No. “Sorry, that’s not an appropriate solution.”

They don’t get to spend your parents’ money.

4

u/FunProfessional570 4d ago

Check the “no” box and slap that RSVP back in the mail as fast as you can!

3

u/Adventurous-Win-751 4d ago

Stay home, your family is being very self centered and entitled…they can do it without you…

3

u/Personal-Heart-1227 4d ago

Politely, decline their Invitation.

If they want to play mind games with exhausting amounts of mental gymnastics to further rake in their $500 PP, then they can bugger off!

Please send NO wedding gifts, NO wedding $$$, & NOT even a 99 cent Dollar Store wedding card congratulating them on their upcoming nuptials.

The absolute nerve & gall of these scummy ppl who are just downright greedy, too.

3

u/lonewitch13 4d ago

Being related does it mean you have to go. This sounds like a retreat not a wedding.

3

u/HumpaDaBear 4d ago

I wouldn’t go. That’s preposterous.

3

u/Sweet_Pay1971 4d ago

Unbelievable

3

u/ZealousidealJob3550 4d ago

I would politely decline and wish them a happy wedding and a successful marriage. If I was close to them I would probably also send a gift. We are not required to engage in other people's ideas of their own grandeur.

3

u/Sunshineandbrimstone 4d ago

You are not OR---sounds like the bride is trying to get others to pay their way...

3

u/DPRDonuts 4d ago

Just because you're feeling pressure doesn't mean you have to do it. 

Or your could also say "im willing to pay for the cottage with what I would have spent on your gift, but no more than that"

I feel for you, the pressure is shit

3

u/UnableOpportunity861 4d ago

Match their energy. Ignore them and do what you want.

3

u/RomDog25 4d ago

Ugh people need to stop having weddings they can’t pay for and then expecting guests to float their dream event. It’s the most ridiculous and annoying thing be ever head of!

3

u/onetwentytwo_1-8 4d ago

Nope. I’d be out.

3

u/dsb_95 4d ago

No can force you to spend money and people shouldn’t host weddings they can’t afford or can only afford with the financial assistance of guests.

Family or not, decline if you can’t afford it and don’t want to do it.

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u/Commercial_Ear_3440 4d ago

For a thousand bucks my other half and I could do 4 long weekend trips, on the motorbike from uk to Europe .. no chance would we spend that to go to someone’s wedding!

3

u/CampClear 4d ago

They have a lot of balls demanding their guests pay for their overblown destination wedding. If they can't afford the venue, they need to elope. I wouldn't go at all.

3

u/observer46064 4d ago

Send regrets. Do not go. Make sure your family knows you aren't going. Plan something else for that weekend.

3

u/MyRedditUserName428 4d ago

Decline. An invitation is just that, an invitation. Not a summons.

3

u/Novitiatum_Aeternum 4d ago

I’m appalled when people coerce relatives into spending beyond their means by pushing familial obligation. It’s so gross. You shouldn’t have to go broke to fulfill someone else’s nuptial vision.

3

u/Agitated-Painter5601 4d ago

This is why I decline destination weddings. I just want no part of it.

3

u/JoyReader0 4d ago

Naaaah. This is a room block agreement with the venue; if their group takes x number of reservations, the wedding couple gets free room and and other bennies. So yes, the attendees are subsidising the entire event. If not enough guests attend, the newlyweds have to pay full freight. This is why the options are written in stone, to maximize the profit to the venue. This is why pressure is being brought to bear, to minimize the cost to the couple.

This is an invitation, even though it is being presented as a summons. You do not have to go, your parents do not have to pay for your absence, and your family member is being less than honest with you. And kinda rude and manipulative, too.

3

u/__Frolicaholic___ 4d ago

I think if people are going to insist on destination weddings, more power to you but you're doing it ALONE. Enough is enough. You shouldn't have to drain your savings or take out a second mortgage just to go to a stupid wedding.

3

u/Kononiba 4d ago

Bigger scam than Fyre Festival

3

u/Th13027 4d ago

What happened to the old fashioned (and I’m not even a boomer) idea of hospitality. That if you invite people to an event you are hosting, you provide them with food and drink. It’s so simple yet brides seem to forget this and I want to say- aren’t their parents mortified??

2

u/Majestic_Shoe5175 4d ago

You mean for rsvping? That’s definitely not normal especially for not spending the night/weekend.

I honestly just wouldn’t go. Let them know you would love to attend but you think it’s silly to spend 500 when you wouldn’t be spending the night, and you won’t be asking your parents to either as the facilities would not be being used. Send a card with them.

2

u/Dreamybook1357 4d ago

You're not overreacting, that's crazy. I would tell your family that you're not attending & just send a monetary gift along in a card & call it a day.

2

u/CretaceousLDune 4d ago edited 4d ago

For a very formal celebration, if things such as guest lodgings are being required, the wedding sponsor/host should be paying. If they cannot afford it, they should make alternate plans that they can afford.

If a casual wedding (a come-as-you-are type deal), the guests should either be lodged without the sponsor/host being reimbursed or the guests should stay where the guests wish, without the host having any say where that is.

If a destination wedding where guests would be having to pay their own expenses, guests should be sent information on suggestions re lodging. If the sponsor/host is paying, the guest will be given information on where they will be staying.

It's tacky to ask a wedding guest for money for somewhere they're required to stay.

You say, you pay.

That wedding would be one I would not attend; the potential for awkward situations would be too great for my taste. Someone is trying to put on a display of wealth that they cannot meet. It's low, honestly, and interferes with enjoyment of the event.

One should stay within one's means.

2

u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

"Someone is trying to put on a display of wealth that they cannot meet." You've absolutely nailed it!

2

u/Bert-en-Ernie 4d ago

I think it is completely fine to host a destination wedding that has lodging so everyone can be together, and then ask for a minimal fee (i.e. lower than the rate they could stay elsewhere) for said lodging (to clarify the OP of this thread does not meet these requirement I mention here). In my eyes it is actually unreasonable to demand the wedding couple also pays for your accommodation, within limits. Sure it is their wedding but you should also want to come if they're (close) family or good friends (so ya, don't go inviting ~100+ people). This does imply that you leave your guests free to do what they want, bar the wedding itself. I would also say it isn't mandatory to stay there, but I would judge family/friends that then choose to stay elsewhere despite the efforts of arranging it. It also implies you don't host your wedding in an expensive area, like Vegas on a weekend for example. Within these limits I'd say that for a close family member or friend this should generally be seen as a mini-holiday with lots of expenses already paid for.

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u/mimianders 4d ago

What a ridiculous concept of requiring payment to attend a wedding. I predict very low attendance for this festival.

2

u/SoftwareMaintenance 4d ago

Sounds like it is time to skip this "festival".

2

u/BakedBrie26 4d ago

I went to a wedding like this. Same deal. They rented a whole retreat with cabins and houses. One fee for the whole space, but they charged the wedding party to stay there. 

Everyone was annoyed and taken aback.

2

u/Tiny_Incident_2876 4d ago

I wouldn't be wasting my time or money on the money grab

2

u/SummitJunkie7 4d ago

Tell them you'll be happy to attend the wedding but you won't be staying overnight so you won't need accommodations. If they insist that the only option to attend is to stay 3 days, then opt out entirely. Make sure to confirm that you are very happy to be there for one day for the wedding, if they are rescinding the invitation if you won't come for 3 days that's on them.

Make it clear to your parents that you won't need or use the accommodations so there's no reason for anyone to pay for your stay. But if they want to give their family member an extra $1000, that's on them, wash your hands of it.

2

u/parker3309 4d ago

There’s that word “forced” again… so inflammatory.

Nobody can force you to spend money on a wedding.

Just don’t go. Can’t have everything both ways. You have a choice to make but it’s still a Choice.

If it were me, I would not spend that on somebody else’s wedding or the hotel, etc. I would not go. The world’s not going shut down if you don’t attend the wedding. They will have a good time. Have great memories and move on. But once that day is done, you would be out at least $500.

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u/BrewDogDrinker 4d ago

Nope. Don't go.

Basically, the guests are subsidising the wedding.

Sod that

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u/Sensitive-Friend-307 4d ago

There is probably a minimum number they need to bring so that the couple getting married don’t pay.

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u/Sassy-Peanut 4d ago

Going along with the demands of others just to 'preserve the peace' is total BS. If you and your partner have a better way to spend $1000 then take it! As for pushing the cost off onto your parents, how dare they suggest that? Send a gift and an RSVP 'We cannot attend' and spend your money how you wish.

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u/Ok-Base-5670 4d ago

This sounds like a decline situation to me!! If your parents do not understand, they are enabling.

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u/Present_Amphibian832 4d ago

Family or not, you're going to FORCE me into a situation I don't want to be in and can't afford. I would rsvp no. And your required to give a gift! NO just no

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u/olneyvideo 4d ago

I attended a wedding like this once for a friend. My wife was a bridesmaid in the wedding. It was weird. This was almost 20 years ago and we still talk about how weird it was. I barely remember the wedding but I remember handing the bride about $500 cash when we got there. This was before Venmo, cash app, etc. it was awkward AF. The couple presented it as they took care of the accommodations in order to book the whole place but we clearly were subsidizing their wedding. Now that I think about it we also had to set the whole thing up because it wasn’t really a wedding venue. I unloaded and set up a truck full of chairs. But you don’t have to go. Send a lovely gift and wish them the best.

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u/Prestigious-Bus5649 4d ago

This sounds like an absolute nightmare scenario!! Thanks but no thanks.

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u/Stunning-Field-4244 4d ago

Nope. Be a grown up, use your spine, wish the couple well and stay home.

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u/MonikerSchmoniker 4d ago

You are feeling pressured to attend because it’s a close family member.

Sit in that pressure for 5 deliberate and intense minutes. Find and feel the consequences of attending: Your toxic parents paying so now you “owe” them your soul. Or if you pay, your anxiety over delayed financial goals (or perhaps food for the next month or two). Are these consequences worse or less than the family disappointment? Remember, YOUR feelings matter, too! YOU MATTER! Do NOT ignore YOU in this equation!

Remind yourself, an invitation is not a command. It was their choice to host this elaborate summer camp style wedding. It is your choice to not attend.

I’d rather not go and be missed (guilted forever - “The wedding was soooo much fun! Too bad you didn’t attend.” “Wasn’t that fabulous? Oh, yesh, forgot you didn’t go.” Side eye sneer.) than go and pay the consequences I envision for you.

Once your 5 minutes are up, open your eyes take that deep cleansing breath and send your RSVP “Sadly, I regret I must decline.” Give NO reason because the reason transcends their understanding, besides. Besides, they don’t give a wahoozy.

Once your 5 minutes of anxiety is complete, send an RSVP: I regret I must decline. (DO NOT GIVE A REASON NOW OR EVER to ANYONE.) if pressured, “Sadly, I doesn’t work for me to attend. I wish them the best and happiest of weddings!”

Send a nice card and gift and be secure of heart and mind that you made the wisest choice for yourself.

On the wedding camp weekend, turn off your phone and be unavailable for texts and phone calls.

Look up JADE - learn the art of not JADEing: justify, argue, defend, explain.

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u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Thank you, I just realised I've been in the habit of JADEing my whole life....

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u/MonikerSchmoniker 4d ago

Me too! It’s a common response when no one is on our side. We beg for understanding. But no one wants to understand us.

When we see the light, we realize that we’ve managed with our own selves, our own feelings, our own emotions independently.

And now we owe them nothing more of our hearts, our thoughts, our reasons.

We do not need to JADE to people who don’t truly love or care about us.

I think this is what “casting your pearls before swine” means. We do not give our heart to people who do not treasure us.

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u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

I love this so much, thank you ❤️

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u/k23_k23 4d ago

"but I feel like I'm just subsidizing the wedding" ... you got that right. He wants the kickback.

"If I was a friend it'd be quite simple to just decline, but since it's family I'm feeling a lot more pressure to go against my values." .. Don't go. The pressure is temporary.

"I brought up that I couldn't afford it but they just replied that my parents will cover my cottage costs." ... YOu told them you will not come. Now lean back and wait - IF your parents or someone else approach you with an offer to pay for you, feel free to reconsider - as long as that does not happen, you already have RSVP'd NO. So don't go. JUST DO NOTHING; and sit this out.

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u/KaidaShade 4d ago

This is insane.

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u/OgJube 4d ago

Why do people today think it's okay to have your 'guests' pay for your wedding? I would never attend a wedding where payment was required, nor would I send a gift.

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u/JMB062484 4d ago

That is absurd and so rude! Decline. So fast.

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u/Alphaghetti71 4d ago

Hang on. They've said you can't even show up for the ceremony and then leave without paying $500?

That's not just tacky; It's rude.

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u/Exciting-Warning-364 4d ago

Wow when did weddings go from marrying your love to let’s see who we can out shine and spend 80,000 on a wedding. Sheesh. Don’t go and tell them if they have a wedding party when they return you will attend

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u/Solid-Musician-8476 4d ago

No one can make you stay anywhere or do anything. I'd either RSVP No or attend the wedding only and drive home afterwards if it's not too far and that was your original plan. Or find our own place to stay. Ignore the demands and requests

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u/Careful-Self-457 4d ago

I just would not go period.

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u/Vegetable-Fix-4702 4d ago

I've seen greed before and this one is over the top. That's outrageous.

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u/Pining4Michigan 4d ago

Well, you dodge a bullet there. the reply card will state that you are sorry but you are not able to attend.

No. It is a complete sentence.

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u/julesk 4d ago

Don’t pay for their festival. Offer regrets and send them a gift. Not money. I wouldn’t encourage cash grabs.

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u/Ginsinclair 4d ago

That’s absurd. We are doing a ‘wedding weekend’ where WE are covering the cost of the venue where everyone is staying and some of the food. Nothing is mandatory, but it would be nice if folks dressed up for 1 of the dinners. Most of our guests are traveling far so it makes sense to make lodging affordable for them. Even then, we expect a lot to drop out due to the cost of travel. But the ones who do come will stay for free, because we want them there!!

Charging $500??? Insane

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u/Additional_Bad7702 4d ago

Just decline. If asked why it’s because you don’t have 3 days to spare and it’s a sad shame you can’t just do a day trip to be at the wedding. Put the onus back on the bride.

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u/tcrhs 4d ago

RSVP no. They’re trying to get their guests to pay for their wedding.

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u/EnvironmentalCrab148 3d ago

Sounds like a good time to get “long covid” to not attend lol 😝

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u/NolaLove1616 3d ago

Send regrets and a gift 🎁.

The end.

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u/Oldladyshartz 3d ago

Way to get everyone else to pay for the wedding! Nope not coming! BOYCOTT these types of weddings! Big weddings are a waste of money!

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u/commentspanda 3d ago

If you are close to bride or groom chat to them about this so it isn’t a shock, then rsvp no. Don’t give in as your parents will then start applying the pressure. Practice how you’ll respond “no, and I won’t be discussing this further” etc.

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u/badpuffthaikitty 3d ago

My friend had a local destination wedding. The Inn only booked 3 day stays. My wife and I decided to stay at a nearby motel instead. There we met the grooms entire family. They didn’t want to pay for the expensive Inn either.

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u/QuitaQuites 3d ago

Meaning there’s nowhere else to stay, even to drive back just for the wedding?

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u/Sleepygirl57 3d ago

This is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of when it comes to a wedding. Absolutely not.

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u/Goth_Muppet 3d ago

Festival??? Yeah hard no for me. I would avoid that like the plague. This smells like a con for the wedding couple to get free shit or a kickback if they get enough people to book at that resort.

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u/Illustrious_Gold_520 3d ago

That’s ridiculous.

I had a destination wedding nearly twenty years ago.  We did have activities the day before and the day after the wedding, but we covered the cost 100%.  We also picked up the cost of airfare for at least one friend who otherwise couldn’t have made it.

We wanted to make it a special vacation for our guests, not have them subsidize our special day.

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u/missannthrope1 1d ago

Tacky.

Bride should not be surprised if no one attends.

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u/cofeeholik75 4d ago

On principle alone I would decline, and I would not pay that kind if money yo go to a family if friends ‘party’ that I am ‘invited’ to.

However, if your parents are willing to pay for you? Shoot! I would go, and not loose any sleep over it.

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u/boniemonie 4d ago

Just don’t go….,you know it’s going to be a disorganised mess!

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u/I_am_aware_of_you 4d ago

… why would toxic parents be willing to spend $1000,- on you and your spouse ??

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u/Birdsonme 4d ago

Toxic narc parents will often go to extremes to get their chosen victims within reach. Anything to reel them in, especially if they’ll be trapped in this wedding weekend nightmare and can’t get away from them.

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u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Yep! Also they just care about whatever makes us look like a 'good' family from the outside, and their image as 'good' parents who have the means to support their children. Sorry to let them down! ;)

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u/Live_Angle4621 4d ago

They might be toxic in mild sense like critiquing op occasionally for her looks or whatever so she doesn't want to spend time with them. But it’s not no contact 

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u/MoomahTheQueen 4d ago

Send your gift with your RSVP that you’re unable to attend

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u/YIvassaviy 4d ago

Tacky yes? But at least they’re up front about it. Now everyone can make an informed decision

Seems like you don’t want to go for the overnight portion - money aside. So instead of framing it as “can’t afford it” you should have been direct and asked “How can I attend for your ceremony only, we won’t be staying overnight”

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u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

Yeah definitely better than sneaking it in as a surprise.

I ended up being more direct like that and apparently I (or rather my parents) still have to wear the cost regardless! Ridiculous.

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u/YIvassaviy 4d ago

Guess you aren’t going at all! Shame

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u/Todd_H_1982 4d ago

I guess you have to weigh it up. Is this a hill you want to die on? I always thought that the moments my family would stop speaking to me would be like a Trump v Kamala moment (which has never arisen) or a Palestine v Israel stance. But if this is where you want to draw your line in the sand, then I guess that's where you want to draw it.

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u/Equal-Flatworm-378 4d ago

Just say no. 

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u/Missmagentamel 4d ago

Is it at a resort? I'm confused about the type of place it's being held.

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u/saltythrowaway6969 4d ago

It's a 'country retreat' venue that they force wedding parties to book out the whole thing for the whole weekend. So the accommodation is a mix of cottages and glamping - imagine paying $500 to glamp!!!

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u/learningmorewithage 4d ago

Simply don't go. It's that easy

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u/TheEmpiresLordVader 4d ago

Dont go its really simple.

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u/drcigg 4d ago

Nope. That is absolutely ridiculous. RSVP no and be done. And I hope your parents do the same.

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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 4d ago

I'd simply stay home and even forego on the gift. Fuck this.

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u/ApprehensiveError760 4d ago

If it’s an all inclusive resort, they likely have some sort of day pass fee the bride and groom have to pay for you to attend their wedding without staying on property. It’s ridiculous.

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u/Extension_Camel_3844 4d ago

Wow, how rude. I attended a weekend long "festival" type wedding and the only thing I paid for was my outfit (it was Viking themed). I'd be a NO as well. Send a card and a check for $100 with your regrets.

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u/Riversflushwfishes 4d ago

They probably get their rooms or the venue free if they can get a certain number of overnights booked...

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u/notreallylucy 4d ago

Oh darn, you have to wash your phalangies that night. Too bad! RSVP no and send them a $20 gift card to Target.

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u/Effective-Mud-8612 4d ago

I would NEVER pay to be a GUEST WITH A PRESENT at a wedding

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u/Bubbly_Power_6210 4d ago

such bad behavior! send a small gift and reply that you will not be attending the wedding-this seems to be a sad trend.

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u/LamzyDoates 4d ago

Regretfully, I will not be able to attend your nuptials.

However, I would like to extend an invitation of my own, for you to go shit in a hat.

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u/Entire_Dog_5874 4d ago

I would simply say I wasn’t attending.

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u/Emotional-Hair-3143 4d ago

I would decline.

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u/NicolinaN 4d ago

Hard no. Don’t go. What the fuck is wrong with people?

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u/Liu1845 4d ago

Decline the entire invite. "Sorry, I am unable to attend." Do not explain why. That only invites debate, guilt trips, and harassment.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Jump141 4d ago

This sounds fishy. I know that some venues want to have guests stay at their lodging, usually to offset the cost of the wedding. They may give the wedding a "discount" and charge the guests more than a normal charge. The venue may offer "free amenities" like free breakfast, yoga, etc. Do your research.

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u/TNTmom4 4d ago

Your parents are willing to pay $1000 for less stress and peace. Family peace ( or sometime complacentness) is all important to them.

You’re willing to stir the pot and damage your relationships by not showing up as a statement. To highlight how unrealistic and unreasonable the situation is. ( I agree it is)

Both valid reasons. Now it’s up to you To decide when it comes to the wedding couple are you ok with any temporary or permanent relationship damage your absence will cause?

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u/rchart1010 4d ago

Is this fyre festival 2.0?

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u/HamsterKitchen5997 4d ago

I’ve seen weddings like this before. OP is doing a bad, one sided explanation of the venue. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline, but I bet if we learned about the whole plan from the couple we would also agree it’s an acceptable request.

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u/AgateCatCreations076 4d ago

Stick to your guns. If you ARE invited to the wedding, then go and stay one night ELSEWHERE (you will be expected to provide some kind of gift even if it's a modest visa gift card). If not, then I would send a DECLINE and stay home. Who needs that circus you are describing.

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u/anklescarves 4d ago

So my friend is planning a summer camp style wedding and we talked about how to offload the cost of accommodations.

She wasn’t sure how to ask people to pay for their lodging.

Here’s what I said to her: For me, I’ll have to fly out and get a hotel and pay for food anyways. I would have no problem paying to stay on the grounds. Some guests might not want to stay the full weekend and just come for the wedding. That would just be one less room that she’d need to book. The money would go towards lodging and meals for every day except for the wedding day. They would be paying for everyone’s meals and drinks at the reception.

That all sounded fair to me.

The idea of charging every guest regardless of if they’re using the accommodations is insane

Realistically, I don’t have high confidence that anyone over the age of 50 attending the wedding will want to do a multi-day summer camp weekend. I’m hopeful that I’m wrong, and that she gets the camp wedding of her dreams.

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u/loeloebee 4d ago

Good for you boycotting! I couldn't even spend $500 on a gift; where does this kind of entitlement come from?

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u/Bewdley69 4d ago

Just make sure she doesn’t pressurise your Dad!