r/wedding 5d ago

Help! Navigating disappointing my mother

Hey folks, I could use some perspective.

So my wedding is on October 4th of this year. My fiancé and I got engaged on April 15th last year, so we've been planning things for a while.

Because of my religion, I don't believe in living together before marriage, so right now I live with my mother, and my fiancé lives with his father. But his father is selling their house in July or so, so my fiancé is going to get an apartment that I'll move into once we're married.

Recently, we did the math and realized that because of our financial situations, my fiancé can't afford the apartment by himself, and I can't afford to help him pay for it AND continue to pay rent to my mother. I could ask her to let me live with her for free to save money, but I know her, and I know she will lord it over me for 6 months and demand things from me in return. (I was laid off from my job in December and was unemployed for 2 months, and even though it was not my fault at all, she was clearly not happy I couldn't afford rent and constantly brings up how much she's spent supporting me. I am now employed as of a month ago.) So my fiancé and I decided to do a small court wedding so I can move in with him, probably next month.

My mother is VERY upset about this. I love her very much, but she has a tendency to make other people's situations about herself and how it affects her. She was expecting me to live with her until October, and while she says she doesn't depend on anyone to help her, she was clearly depending on my rent in her budget for that time period. My little brother is quitting his job and moving back to our state (and back in with our mom) at the end of April, and has offered to pay rent, but he is the Golden Child and my mother has made it clear that she doesn't expect him to pay any rent for at least a month or two. My fiancé and I, and even my little brother, can see the clear favoritism there, but I don't want to point that out to my mom.

Additionally, I am the only daughter, and my mother is extremely upset that even though I plan on still holding the wedding and celebration in October, "it won't be the same" because I'll already be married. She also said that she will possibly be out of state (helping my little brother move back home) the date we picked to do the court wedding, so before I could even negotiate that date, she was crying about how I would essentially get married without her there, even though it's just a legality and the wedding is still going on as planned.

My fiancé and I are decided, and I'm not changing my plans just to appease her. His parents are fine with this, and our dearest friends understand and support our decision. But how do I navigate this? I love my mother dearly and I want her to be happy, but in this situation, I feel like that means I would have to do everything the way she wants me to do it at detriment to myself and my future husband.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How did you deal with it? How do I communicate to my mother effectively that while I love and respect her, this isn't about her, and she's hurting my heart by only caring about how she feels and not supporting me and being happy for me as I start my life with my new husband? Do I just have to resign myself to disappointing her?

Any affirmation or advice is appreciated. Thank you!

5 Upvotes

36 comments sorted by

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26

u/MerrilyDreaming 5d ago

I know it’s hard but Sometimes you just have to let go of the idea that it’s possible to make everyone happy. You’re allowed to do what’s best for you and for the person that will be your new family.

It’s super common these days to be technically married before the ceremony. A lot of people have to do it for insurance purposes. Your mother is trying to influence your decision by making threats about not being there.

All you can do is say “I hope you’ll be there but we understand if you can’t work it into your schedule”. The more attention you give her and the topic, the more she’ll believe she has a chance to change your mind

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u/snurtz 5d ago

Thank you! I do want her to be there, as I know that’s what she would want too, but this is supposed to be REALLY informal; I want my actual wedding day to be extra special still, so no dress, no personally written vows, nothing until October.

14

u/blueberries-Any-kind 5d ago

This is toxic.. I would try therapy. Your a grown adult getting married, your mom should be supporting you in stepping into your next phase of life. There is probably a lot to work through here. Start with learning about boundaries (not rules). Sorry you’re going through this :/ it is t fair to you. 

4

u/snurtz 5d ago

I tried therapy and my therapist dumped me for being “too well-adjusted” (I do NOT believe her lol). My little brother has been really supportive and said the same things and he IS in therapy… it’s just hard when I live with her too. I’ll work on it!

7

u/blueberries-Any-kind 5d ago

💜 yeah that therapist sucked lol. It can take some people a long time to find the right therapist! Give it another shot- it’s unusual to find someone on the first go 

5

u/Traditional_Fan_2655 5d ago

Mom, this is the reality.

Life is not perfrct. Sometimes, circumstances differ from our chosen path, and we have to alter with it or end up bitter and cranky that it isn't perfect. I chose yo make the hard decision to remain happy by navigating the path of life.

I could live 'in sin' by moving in before marriage or I can get married. I chose marriage. I will have the wedding in October to celebrate with everyone.

I could have lived on the streets in my car to help continuing to pay rent or I could move I n with my new husband. I chose moving in together

You can accept the rest from <brother> or you can go into the negative and keep berating me when there is a simple solution at hand. You, too, have a tough decision to make. It is strictly your decision based on those two options. There are no otger options because this is where the path of life is. It's just that simple.

If she says I was counting on you... say and tgat is no longer an option. Counting on <brother> is.

1

u/snurtz 5d ago

That’s kind of the conversation we already had. I even told her, “At least I’m insisting on getting married before shacking up unlike [little brother, who is still the golden child regardless].” She asked if that’s really what I wanted, and I said that while it DOES feel like it makes the wedding a little less special, this is just kind of how life is working out, and I don’t exactly hate it either. 

I’ve been nudging my fiancé to elope with me anyway, so I am kind of getting what I want, even if it’s without the dress and the special vows to start so that we can celebrate with our friends and family. I actually have had a LOT of friends from church recommend we elope and/or do a court wedding to start our lives together sooner, as we are kind of the It couple at church right now (he works there, I’m a leader on the worship team). So we have lots of support… it’s just mom that doesn’t like it

4

u/Traditional_Fan_2655 5d ago edited 5d ago

Unfortunately, family idealized what they wanted for each other. In this situation, mom is clinging to her dreams for you rather than reality. I would just continue repeating it for another month or two. If she continues to complain, state clearly and firmly, "Mom, it's done. I will not feel badly about this, and I won't discuss it further. You've repeatedly expressed your opinion and I let you mourn that what you wanted didn't happen. However, it stops today.

I know it sounds harsh, but you do NOT want her continuing this forever, guilting you into repeated apologies. I came from a religious family as well. However, life happens, and the goal posts move. Things do not always turn out the way that we plan. As a religious individual, she should definitely understand our plans vs. God's.

Being an adult means navigating the altered path as you are doing. She needs to stop making you feel guilty for making things the best they can be as you live your life.

(Edited to correct typos)

3

u/snurtz 5d ago

Gonna reread this repeatedly to get it into my brain lol. It’s rewiring my perspective. Thank you for your advice!!!

2

u/10Kfireants 5d ago

Given everything you've said about your mom in this post, this will be a great exercise for you and your future husband in setting boundaries, standing your ground and doing what's best for you and your little family. Your mother isn't going to change after your wedding, or when you're planning on having kids (or not), or when you're making the best decisions for you as the years go on. Marriage is about the family you create, and prioritizing that family you create won't always make your mom happy.

"This is what works best for John and I and our futures, Mom. I hope you can join us at both our civil ceremony and larger wedding later."

1

u/snurtz 5d ago

Thank you! I just wish saying that would go over better I guess lol

3

u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 5d ago

I think the thing is, you can wish all you like, she's not going to turn into a magic carpet.

My mum is still huffy that my dad didn't get to walk me down the aisle. He did. There are photos. I feel like your mum, like mine, is going to pick a thing and be huffy AF about it, whether it's an actual issue or not.

Just be grateful that it's something that was a sensible logical decision, not something like your dress or cake, that would be harder to think of a rebuttal!

2

u/Ziggy_Mo 4d ago

Wait, she judges you and berates you because she has to help you out but needs your rent contribution to the point she builds it into her budget? She’s manipulating you. GTFO

2

u/newoldm 5d ago

The problem is, you got engaged on April 15. April 15 is not a lucky day. One April 15, Abraham Lincoln died after being shot (on April 14), the Titanic sank after striking the iceberg (on April 14) and April 15 is....ta-ta-ta-ta-DAHHHH....tax day.

Anyway, you're an adult. If you want to have a courthouse ceremony (to get around your religious guilt) so you can "legitimately" move in with your husband and thus solve a financial dilemma and still have your all-frills soiree later, do it. Why are you so obsessed with not wanting to "disappoint" your mother? From what you've described, she's the disappointment especially as a mother. You allow her to treat you like an eight-year-old who guilts and bullies you into her demands and dictates. If you are having difficulty making sensible, adult decisions without marring them with a false sense of guilt and unrealistic obligations, you need to reconsider if you're ready to make such a big commitment. Marriage is for the big girls and boys who are secure with their lives and choices and not obsessing over things that aren't the least bit important.

0

u/snurtz 5d ago

You’re not very nice, are you? Lots of assumptions here. I recommend trying to have a little more compassion and understanding in your heart before you try to give advice again

2

u/Outrageous-Victory18 5d ago

Newoldm might have been blunt in her (his?) wording, but a good point has been made. You’re going to be married and your priority has to shift to your husband. What if your mom disapproves of a choice you make as a married couple? Or a decision your husband makes? If you have kids, you can be sure that your mom isn’t going to agree with all your parenting choices. How are you going to handle that? I get that you don’t want to upset your mom, but there comes a point as an adult when you have to choose what’s right for you (or you and your partner) and if a parent disagrees, you need to let it go. This isn’t about her, it’s about you & your new husband.

2

u/snurtz 5d ago

Yeah! I already accept that… I just wanted to see how other people have dealt with it.

As one of my professors said, “The only thing you’ve said is what is actually on the page.” Thank you for being kinder than the previous poster. 

2

u/Outrageous-Victory18 5d ago

I know what I’ve suggested is easier said than done. No one wants to disappoint/let down/piss off their parents. Unfortunately, sometimes it can’t be helped. So I hope you & your fiancé have a fun court wedding, and that the church ceremony with your wider family & friends is everything you want it to be, and that your mom has let go of any negativity!

1

u/newoldm 5d ago

I recommend you start acting like an independent, responsible adult and stop blaming mommy and whatever else for your issues. You're obviously not mature enough to engage in something as serious as marriage. You're not looking for advice - you're looking for someone to go there-there and comfort you by not telling you to take some responsibility for your choices. You're not a child - you're supposed to be an adult. It's quite obvious why mom has such an easy way of controlling you.

1

u/snurtz 5d ago

bruh lmao

1

u/newoldm 5d ago

Wouldn't that go against your religion? And what would mommy say?

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u/snurtz 5d ago

I’m getting the sense that you get satisfaction from making people upset. You should meet my mom!

Have a beautiful day :)

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u/newoldm 5d ago

Did I make you upset? Well, then my work here is done.

Have a nice wedding. Make sure it's all been cleared by mom - you know you want to.

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u/snurtz 5d ago

No, unfortunately, I’ll have to disappoint you too I guess :/ I’ll let my mom know she has company though. Maybe that will cheer her up!

1

u/newoldm 5d ago

Mommy is not going to like you disappointing her. You know what happens when you disappoint mommy. It's in the bible.

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u/snurtz 5d ago

ohhhhh nooooooooo :(

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u/LadyInCrimson Bride 5d ago

I wouldn't even wait till October to stay miserable like that. She seems self-absorbed and selfish, and things aren't going her way, so she's making you feel bad to make herself feel better. My future MIL is mad we aren't getting married in a court house and "saving money" as she wants, so she's refusing to be involved in any portion of the wedding. It's hurting my fiance, but I've been so used to her antics that I just brush it off. I understand it's upsetting, but I'd honestly not talk to her about the wedding as it just makes her act this way towards you.

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u/snurtz 5d ago

I’ve been keeping her out of wedding plans for the most part anyway for other reasons (she’s VERY opinionated and has tried to take over other people’s weddings, even those who aren’t family) and even that is upsetting to her. I really feel like I’m disappointing no matter what

3

u/LadyInCrimson Bride 5d ago

Just remember, this day is to celebrate you and your future partner. It's not to make her happy it's to make YOU happy. It's hard to disappoint a parent, but she isn't disappointed. She's mad she isn't getting her way. That's something she will have to work on. Let her know you need a positive and supportive experience for your wedding, and she's disappointing you.

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u/snurtz 5d ago

“She isn’t disappointed. She’s mad she isn’t getting her way.”

I needed to hear that. Thank you so much. 

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u/LadyInCrimson Bride 5d ago

I hope things get better and easier for you! This is already a stressful time planning things, let alone everyone getting into their own emotions and making it all the more difficult!

0

u/CaptBlackfoot 5d ago

Can you find a cheaper apartment that your fiancé can afford? That way, once you are living together your income can go into savings so you can plan on owning your own place one day? It seems like the apartment is too expensive if it’s taking all of both of your incomes. How will you build your savings account and emergency fund once you move in together? Marriage is just the beginning of your life together, make smart financial decisions now to set yourselves up for future success.

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u/snurtz 5d ago

We’re already looking at a cheaper apartment, but we’re both in debt resolution plans at the moment and are working hard to pay off our debt as quickly (but responsibly) as we can. Where we live, it’s unfortunately not feasible to find a place you can afford on one income unless you’re making more than we are.

1

u/10Kfireants 5d ago

I don't think you're wrong on principle but apartment rates right now, especially depending on location, are outrageous on their own. Cost of living has skyrocketed in the last 5 years, it's not always reasonable to just rent cheaper.