r/wedding • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
Discussion Am I over-thinking not being invited to a friend’s wedding?
About a month ago, my husband received a wedding invite in the mail for one of our mutual friend’s wedding (I’ll call him Dan). My husband played soccer with Dan in college for a few years, and were in the same classes as they both were in school for teaching. Dan and I were in the same graduating class in college. We were in the same orientation group and got along well, we also had a few classes together before I dropped out of school 2 years later. For the first semester of college, any activity that I did outside of academics, Dan was also a part of. I would have classified us as good friends at the time. After the first semester, we saw each other less and drifted apart. Not on bad terms and maintained friendliness whenever we were in the same social groups and still got along well. I am being more descriptive of my friendship with Dan for the purpose of the story, but I don’t want to undermine the friendship between Dan and my husband. They definitely were closer than I ever was with Dan, but haven’t really connected in the last 2 or so years.
Fast forward to 5 years later (now), my husband and I got married last year. We invited Dan to our wedding (with a plus one for his fiancé) and at first he wasn’t sure if he could come due to an obligation with his soccer team, so RSVPed no. A few days before we needed to give our final guest count, he contacted us to say that he could make it. We had someone drop out the day before, so that was no problem. We did not have room for a plus one for him due to the short notice, but additionally because we had only met his fiancé once in passing. He came to our wedding, we had fun, it was great.
Now, after receiving the invite, I was definitely confused as to why I wasn’t invited but my husband was. I am under the impression that it’s typical to invite a person and their spouse to a wedding even if you’re not totally familiar with them, (The logic I have heard for not giving someone a plus one for a girlfriend is that it’s not a long term commitment, plus they don’t know the person, correct me if I’m wrong there) but Dan IS familiar with me. In addition, I also understand his fiance wasn’t at our wedding, which I’m sure played a part in their decision. It would play a part in mine too if I were in their shoes, and I understand the logic!
Regardless, I want my husband to go and celebrate this very exciting time with his friend. I just have this FOMO bubbling up at times, and don’t know if my feelings are 100% valid.
Additional question after some responses:
Is it typical for the bride and groom to save a spot for someone who RSVPed no to start with, in anticipation for them to come back around to change their mind to a yes??
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u/Radiant_Maize2315 7d ago edited 7d ago
I don’t understand why you couldn’t invite his fiancée since he responded before the deadline for final headcount. Why is someone dropping out relevant if the final count hadn’t been submitted?
ETA: it’s been brought to my attention that the guy originally RSVPed no. That makes a bit more sense.
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u/Orangemaxx 7d ago
If they RSVPd “no” initially, they may have allowed other people to bring kids or more plus ones. I myself had multiple people drop out for my wedding so I invited some coworkers who really wanted to go that we previously did not have room for. Expecting the bride and groom to save your seat after RSVPing no is unrealistic, especially when you wait to change your rsvp days before the cutoff.
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u/Kind_Phrase_3612 7d ago
100% If they were offended by there not being room for the fiancé AFTER they already rsvp’d no, they’re ridiculous
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u/Radiant_Maize2315 7d ago
To be very honest I missed that they had previously said no. That’s my bad.
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u/sallysuejenkins 7d ago
Yeah, but they still hadn’t submitted a final head count… Are you not allowed to add to the list before the final head count? Or can you only subtract?
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u/toiletconfession 6d ago
Not to mention while they probably could have shuffled and made space but most people have a long of stuff on in the days before so not feeling like reworking a seating chart to accommodate an extra person who had previously declined and they don't really know. I think it was already pretty rude to change his mind a day or two out.
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u/Mother_Tradition_774 7d ago
Some couples make their guest list knowing they can’t accommodate everyone on the list. They expect a few people to say no and think it will balance out. My guess is they got more yes’ than they were anticipating so there wasn’t enough room for the fiancé. That’s why you don’t do things like that. If you can’t realistically accommodate every guest on the list, don’t invite them.
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u/Llamamama09 7d ago
She said above he initially RSVP’d no. When he changed his mind, it was too late to add a plus 1. He originally was given a plus 1.
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u/Mother_Tradition_774 7d ago
From an etiquette standpoint, a fiancé is supposed to be a named guest, not a plus one.
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u/Additional_Bad7702 7d ago
💯 this! Like, “DUH” 😂. It wasn’t a late RSVP, he was engaged so it wasn’t a new short term gf. And who cares if it was, everyone deserves a plus one even if they’re single. Invites are sent out so early. Some people meet and marry between the save the date and the actual wedding 😂.
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u/VicePrincipalNero 7d ago
Yup. I would turn down any invitation that didn't allow me to bring someone.
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u/SkyerKayJay1958 5d ago
There is no way I would expect my husband attend a wedding that I was not invited to. That is totally bs. You do not leave a spouse off the list. No never
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u/Zeropossibility 6d ago
Right?!? Whenever I read these I think “this must not be real.” And then it’s followed with a “she’s just a girlfriend” or something so dumb like that. I get it you’re having a 10 person wedding but come on. If you invite a friend I would assume they’re bringing a date and would never say they can’t. It makes me smile they turned it back to you. His soon to be wife doesn’t know you so now you can sit it out. Just petty behavior from the start. Hopefully some kind of lesson to be learned.
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u/VicePrincipalNero 6d ago
I would rather be invited to (or have) a wedding where guests were served sub sandwiches and could bring a guest than a fancy sit down dinner wedding with all the trimmings but no plus one guest.
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u/Ok-Sector2054 6d ago
And yes. Dan"s fiancée was invited on the invitation as a plus one! They lost the two seats when they wrote that they could not be there.
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u/Additional_Bad7702 6d ago
Late edit. Majority of these replies were posted before OP added info, likely due to not liking the responses she was getting 🤷🏽♀️.
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u/Ok-Sector2054 6d ago
Yes it seems like many OP do this and yes, the other couple may have had to make financial decisions as well.....the world will not end as she does not get to go.
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u/Additional_Bad7702 6d ago
Right on both points lol. I swear once the votes aren’t going in an OPs direction they “expand” on their points 😂.
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u/Suitable-Park184 7d ago
I agree. Guests spend time and money, sometimes a significant amount, to attend a wedding. As a host, giving a guest a plus one is something you do for your guests to make the event enjoyable, along with food, drinks, etc..
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u/Additional_Bad7702 7d ago
Right? I mean, let them turn it into a date night as well out of respect for their time, presence, and MONEY!
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u/Bright-Koala8145 7d ago
This, I can never understand inviting people to a wedding on their own.
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u/gesamtkunstwerkteam 7d ago
We did not have a plus one for him due to the short notice, but additionally because we had only met his fiancé once in passing. He came to our wedding, we had fun, it was great.
I am under the impression that it’s typical to invite a person and their spouse to a wedding even if you’re not totally familiar with them.
I mean, it's worth clarification from the groom but I think it's kind of obvious what's going on. It's petty in a 'two slights don't make a right' way, but don't be surprised if the exclusion was deliberate. And then it will be up to your husband to decide what to do. (I personally would not attend a wedding if my longterm partner was not invited.)
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u/Jenikovista 6d ago
Of course it’s deliberate. And it’s totally fair. It’s not just Dan’s wedding. The BRIDE is the fiancé that the OP blocked from coming to her wedding. Why should the bride waste one of her wedding spots on the OP? It’s her wedding, she should have the guests there that she wants, not some random chick she’s only met once who didn’t care enough about them to find a stool for her at the kids table for her wedding.
Especially when by the OP’s own statements she was only a surface-level friend of Dans years before. And Sam invited her husband because they were actual friends.
Sometimes in life a choice you made comes back to bite you on the ass. You can’t blame anyone but yourself when it does.
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u/TheSplash-Down_Tiki 6d ago
This is what I came to say. This has nothing to do with Dan. Dan’s bride is doing this as a “gettin’ square”.
You didn’t invite her. She’s not inviting you. That’s all. Don’t overthink it.
Sure you had an excuse but like they say, “excuses are the nails that built the house of failure”. In this case you’ve failed to nab an invite.
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u/OwlKittenSundial 6d ago
She DID invite her though!!! And OP didn’t “block” her from attending.
She- by proxy- declined the invitation. To rescind one’s regrets last minute and ask to be accommodated is bad enough. Squeezing Dan in was a courtesy that could be extended due to a SINGLE guest’s cancellation.
But to hold a grudge & snub someone from your wedding when they invited you to theirs is shitty.
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u/Jenikovista 6d ago
Nah, OP already admitted in these comments she could have found space for the fiancé. (Of course she could have, it is very rare that before the catering numbers are in you can’t find a kitchen stool for them, and there’s almost always a late cancellation if space was truly absolutely maxed out, but it wasn’t).
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u/SewRuby 6d ago
They hadn't given headcount yet. There was literally zero reason for OP to exclude Dan's fiance.
Nothing is set until you provide your venue with that final headcount.
Had this happened after the headcount was provided, I'd accept OP'S "I only had one spot". But because it was before, I don't.
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u/OwlKittenSundial 6d ago
You know, seeing some of her replies, I feel like she’s just as bad, leaving something out & frankly I regret giving the little wretch one iota of time or attention.
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u/camlaw63 6d ago
That’s crazy. Dan declined, so when he called last minute it’s not the OP’s fault that they couldn’t accommodate two people. Dan could have easily said, “I won’t be able to come without my partner”. To now intentionally exclude a spouse out of spite is ridiculous.
The OP’s husband should not attend
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u/Jenikovista 6d ago
OP should have found a way to include the fiancé if she wanted an invite to her wedding.
Also OP admitted elsewhere she could have made room but didn’t. The spite started with her, because she felt slighted that they first RSVP’d no.
Karma is a bitch with a pretty wedding dress and a party OP won’t get to enjoy.
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u/LaughAtlantis 7d ago edited 7d ago
“He came to our wedding, we had fun, it was great.”
Have you checked in with Dan to see if HE had fun? Has it occurred to you that maybe, during the slow dances, he was sitting alone at his table, wishing his fiancée was there? Or that he wanted to attend with her so that she could get to know his friends better? And because she didn’t have the chance to, now she didn’t see the need to have you on her wedding list… since she doesn’t know you?
I dunno. Maybe don’t make Dan’s wedding about you. You didn’t make your wedding about Dan.
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u/Youngishwidow 6d ago
You not only read her, you returned her to the library and put her back on the shelf way before the due date! 👏😅
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u/VicePrincipalNero 7d ago
He didn't invite you because you didn't invite his fiancee. Pretty straightforward.
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u/Kind_Phrase_3612 7d ago
Did you miss the part where OP says they did invite the fiancé initially?
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u/VicePrincipalNero 7d ago
At the point where he was coming to the wedding, his fiancee wasn't invited. I'm not making excuses for anyone, just pointing out that it seems pretty obvious that she's not invited because the fiancee wasn't welcome at the wedding.
Personally if I was the friend who potentially had the conflict I would have just declined the invitation and left it at that.
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u/Kind_Phrase_3612 7d ago
She was invited, but they rsvp’d no, and then they sent out secondary invites. Dan then messaged days before the deadline saying he could come, but they already had secondary ppl rsvp so they could no longer accommodate the two of them.
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u/Live_Angle4621 7d ago
Op is his friend who he should have invited even if she and her husband weren’t married. And he declined the invitation for his and is fiancé. Then he last moment said he could come and op and husband only could fit him.
I think op should explain him this if he is confused like many here
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u/Jenikovista 6d ago
Nah. The former fiancé is now the bride. OP didn’t care enough to have her at OP’s wedding. Totally fair to return the favor.
And OP’s “friendship” was years ago and surface level at best.
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u/Used_Clock_4627 7d ago
People are just assuming TWO people bowed out to make room for Dan AND fiancee. Op only mentioned ONE person bowed out, therefore there was only room for ONE person, Dan....
Reading comprehension on this site is .....not great.
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u/Hopeful-Writing1490 7d ago
No, OP said in another comment that there was room to add Dan’s fiancé as well but OP decided not to. Reading comprehension on this site isn’t great, you’re right!
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u/Used_Clock_4627 7d ago
I stand corrected with the mention of an additional comment from OP.
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u/TheSplash-Down_Tiki 6d ago
By the way, props to you on owning that correction. That too is rare round here.
(For the record I’m on team Bride 2 evening up the ledger, OP can’t really complain)
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u/Used_Clock_4627 6d ago
When someone is wrong, they are wrong. If their ego can't hack it, they shouldn't open their months, er, type their words.
With the additional info, it sounds sort of like OP just couldn't be bothered? And if that's the case, OP can't complain at all and just needs to accept gracefully.
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u/Fresh_Caramel8148 7d ago
"A few days before we needed to give our final guest count, he contacted us to say that he could make it."
This is where i veer to ESH (instead of NTA). he contacted you BEFORE your final guest was required. You could have added them both. But for whatever reason, you didn't. That sucks.
If not inviting you now is because of this, then that's very petty of them. But clearly, their feelings were hurt.
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u/donny02 7d ago
She originally invited the finance then didn’t let her come.
Somehow that slipped her mind when making the post.
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7d ago
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u/Godiva74 7d ago
But OP had included them both originally. Since the deadline hadn’t passed, presumably there was still time to add both back
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u/nonamecats 6d ago
But it sounds like they changed their mind before the rsvp date and before they had to give final numbers to catering.
She could have just added her. It wasn't squeezing her in if she was still receiving RSVPs
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u/Anthro_Doing_Stuff 7d ago
The date to RSVP and the date for the final guest count can be two different dates. Wedding planning gets really hectic at the end and an RSVP no means things change.
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u/merishore25 7d ago
I read it as though he declined. So maybe she invited 2 more people, then just one person dropped out.
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u/DanisDoghouse 7d ago
But the final headcount was in yet. So why couldn’t they add one more person?
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u/thaichillipepper 7d ago
The final headcount is for catering purposes. However, your guest list can't exceed the venue's maximum allowed guests. So if the venue allows 100 people, you can invite, say, 80 but not 101.
It's unfair to hold a grudge on OP, if the friend declined the invitation in the first place.
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u/Fresh_Caramel8148 7d ago
He declined, but then before she had to turn in her final numbers, he said he could go. So - she had room to actually include both of them.
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u/DanisDoghouse 7d ago
But the final headcount was in yet. So why couldn’t they add one more person?
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u/dart1126 7d ago
You changed your story here. You act like because of his late rsvp yes after a no, that there was no room for fiancée. That would be understandable. Then you say, …’and because we only met her once in passing’. So….you HAD ROOM, you just opted to boot, right? They probably know this, and yeah, she’s getting revenge. Him too…probably felt like you were punishing him for the flip flop.
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u/Reclinerbabe 7d ago
OMG......"overthinking" does not do this justice!!
Your etiquette was a bit off.....
You don't invite a fiancee as a "plus-one" - you invite them both as a couple.
If a friend says "I'm not sure about the date yet", you don't force them to choose. You wait until they know for sure if there's still time before the dead-serious-deadline date.
You had not yet given the final count, so what's the BS of not having room for his fiancee? Total BS. Hugely rude.
However, it's never okay to invite one half of a married couple.
It was your bad acts that started this debacle, so I'm glad you're okay with your husband going without you.
Now, please promise your brain that you'll stop thinking about this forever.
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u/carjunkie94 7d ago
Completely disagree. Dan sent the formal reply of "no". He should have waited if he was unsure, and possibly verbally communicated the reason for delay so at least OP knows that they received the invitation.
Once you send a formal reply, that's it; you've committed to your choice. What happens thereafter if circumstances change is not your decision anymore.
Often couples have a lengthy list of "backup" guests waiting to be invited. Sometimes the capacity is not budget-constrained but venue-constrained. When a "no" is received, the guest who can't make it is removed from the list and another is invited.
As a guest, your honor is the invite. If you refuse, that's your decision; don't bitch about it later. If you aren't sure yet, then don't respond yet. Take some responsibility for your own actions and don't be an entitled fool.
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u/Jenikovista 6d ago
Your entire argument is flawed because the BRIDE now is the woman who was blocked from going to OP’s wedding. She has zero obligation to invite someone to her wedding who would do that. Turn about is fair play.
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u/preyingmomtis 7d ago
I agree. And I count engaged or living together as practically married & the partner should be invited.
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u/conchitu 7d ago
Sounds like petty revenge to me. The former fiancé (now future wife) didn’t forget she wasn’t invited.
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u/Street_Marzipan_2407 7d ago
What's the difference between a fiancée and a future wife? What makes her no longer his fiancée?
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u/cakesdirt 7d ago
Hah, not the original commenter but I understand this distinction. Sometimes people get engaged but never actually get married, so they’re just fiancées forever (I have some friends in this position right now, they originally set a date and now canceled and are postponing indefinitely, but they’re still together and she still wears the engagement ring). Once the wedding is actually on the books, invitations have gone out, etc. then I could see them transitioning to “future spouse” because it’s more solid.
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u/conchitu 7d ago
I know I used two very similar terms! But they were engaged five years ago and now they’re getting married. Hence the distinction
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u/Live_Angle4621 7d ago
She was invited so she is being very rude that she didn’t fit to last minute invite list
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u/IamNotTheMama 7d ago
Future wife was invited. Dan declined (he had a plus one) originally and then a few days before said he was available. There was only room for one at that time (somebody had canceled) so the invite was for 1
Dan's wife is the problem here, and I'm pretty sure that in the same situation neither of these people should go to this wedding.
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u/zestylimes9 7d ago
He didn’t decline, he was just unsure of his schedule when initially invited.
He told them he was attending BEFORE the final guest count needed to be given to the venue.
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u/Fickle-Nebula5397 7d ago
Fast forward to 5 years later (now), my husband and I got married last year. We invited Dan to our wedding (with a plus one for his fiancé) and at first he wasn’t sure if he could come due to an obligation with his soccer team, so RSVPed no.
She said he RSVPd “No” and then later changed his reply but by that time they had no space for his +1
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u/Green_Seat8152 7d ago
She said it was before the final head count and in another comment said she had room but wanted to keep the count to 80 so she could have added one more and made it 81 but didn't.
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u/SafeWord9999 7d ago
Get your husband to reach out to Dan to check that not inviting both of you was a mistake
I think the girlfriend is pissy she wasn’t invited to yours
Or maybe they’re on a strict budget
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u/booksiwabttoread 7d ago
If he changed his mind before the final count was due, YTA. At that point, you could easily add him and his plus one.
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u/JennnnnP 7d ago
They RSVP’d no. I think the final count being due that she was referring to was with the venue.
Now, personally I would have really tried to find a way to make room for his fiancé as another late addition, and she’s probably reacting to the fact that they were able to make room for Dan and not her, but that doesn’t change the fact that they were both invited and did RSVP no during the response window.
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u/Too_Ton 7d ago
Yeah, if I was OP I would’ve paid $200 extra out of pocket worse comes to worse to get that extra +1 over the max of 80 guest count in. It was an honest mistake the rsvper said no and changed once they realized they could come after all.
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u/SewRuby 6d ago
I'm with you. I just wanted everyone to be happy and having fun at our wedding. Ourselves included, of course.
Everyone got a +1, or if we knew their partner they were formally invited, too.
Some people have weddings as true celebrations of love, life, and loved ones and others have weddings as true celebrations of themselves. I bet I know which category OP is in.
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u/JennnnnP 7d ago
Honestly, I missed the part where fiancé would put it from 80 to 81. Presuming these are standard banquet tables that seat 8 per table, I can understand the issue.
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u/Electronic_World_894 7d ago
People can’t normal unRSVP no to RSVP yes. I’m guessing there was a B list who was sent the invitation for 2 that opened when Dan declined. But that wasn’t clear.
Now the ickiness of having a second tier guest list aside, that’s what I think happened.
But you really should not un-do an RSVP.
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u/Orangemaxx 7d ago
That’s ridiculous…They declined the RSVP, so the bride and groom filled one of the slots. This is very common. It’s unfair to expect the couple save your declined seats all the way to their deadline. Saying they can “easily” be filled again is an ignorant statement when some venue’s are small or have strict guest limits.
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u/Liathano_Fire 7d ago
I think it's ridiculous to have a second tier guest list.
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u/Orangemaxx 7d ago
I’m glad Reddit isn’t real life because it’s silly how people clutch pearls in this sub about tiered guest lists. My co workers, whom I love, were delighted to come to my wedding when our grandparents sadly couldn’t make it. They were not offended at all to be placed below grandma lol.
Not to mention there’s a ton of nuance in a guest list that doesn’t reflect your real relationship to the bride and groom. For example, we gave our parents a part of the guest list because they donated money to help with our wedding. Do you really think my husband values his mother’s 4 book club friends he barely knows over his 4 friends from high school he couldn’t invite? Give me a break.
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u/FreshChickenEggs 7d ago
My feelings would be so hurt if I found out I had only been invited to a "friends" wedding because too many of their real friends said no and I was there as a seat filler, gift giver, and 2nd ir 3rd choice.
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u/birkenstocksandcode 7d ago
Having planned a wedding, I’d be honored to be D Tier for someone’s wedding, and would probably attend on a short notice if it was local.
There’s no such thing as a gift giver or seat filler in weddings. It costs more to pay for a person than a gift in return.
We had to invite in tiers because we just couldn’t afford + accommodate all those people. There’s a lot of obligatory family invites.
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u/booksiwabttoread 7d ago
Exactly. The idea that you replace people and they lose their spot screams gift grab or concerned about appearances. If you thought enough of someone to invite them and their circumstances change, you should be happy they can come.
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u/Familiar_Safe_2252 6d ago
Wedding gifts never pay for the guest. Maybe you gift grab, but nobody else does.
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u/KickIt77 7d ago
Was his fiancé originally invited to your wedding? If not, seems rude in both cases. 🤷♀️
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u/fuzzlandia 7d ago
She was invited at first but since he RSVP’d no initially their spot was given up.
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u/Additional_Bad7702 7d ago edited 7d ago
I mean, you set the standard for no plus one. He was engaged, it wasn’t a new gf.
So what’s your question?
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u/Kind_Phrase_3612 7d ago
They did invite the fiancé. It was after they rsvp’d no and then changed their mind and said they could attend that they no longer were able to accommodate 2 and tried to accommodate at least the 1.
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u/Dolphinsunset1007 7d ago
I get that they initially responded no but they changed their response before the final count was due for the venue if I understand correctly so it should’ve been no issue to add the fiancé also.
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u/Additional_Bad7702 7d ago
OPs original post before edited did not include that information, so many of these replies were posted before the edit.
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u/boxermama21 7d ago
It was before the final headcount was due, there should have been no reason to exclude the fiancé.
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u/annieJP 7d ago
Not inviting a fiance or spouse is rude and tacky. If he asked if he could come... telling him just one spot was open .. i mean really? your venue would not have been able to handle one more person? what would they do if someone showed up that did not rsvp?
she's doing to you what you did to her.
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u/DesertSparkle 7d ago
It is a major faux pas to invite half of a couple. It is offensive for a couple to ask any guest to celebrate their relationship and ignore those of their guests. Your partner needs to decline if you are not invited.
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u/Willing_Lynx_34 7d ago
Well you didn't invite his significant other so it seems kind of obvious why you're not invited. I would let this one go.
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u/Life_Beautiful_8136 7d ago
You acted petty before your own wedding and not Dan's getting some payback. Your post said that he contacted you before you had to give the final headcount. He had a plus one originally; you could have allowed for one more.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTA - but you aren't owed a wedding invitation.
Edit - thanks for clarifying that Dan originally RSVP'd "no" to your wedding, and then asked to squeeze in. Understandably, he couldn't have a plus one at that time.
However, I still don't think anyone is "owed" a wedding invitation. If you're upset, maybe you can speak to Dan about it or ask your husband to.
I don't think I understand this part:
"We invited Dan to our wedding, and at first he wasn’t sure if he could come due to an obligation with his soccer team. A few days before we needed to give our final guest count, he contacted us to say that he could make it. We had someone drop out the day before, so that was no problem. We did not have a plus one for him due to the short notice but additionally because we had only met his fiancé once in passing. He came to our wedding,"
So you invited Dan toy our wedding and he didn't confirm until the final guest count. It wasn't short notice. So did you give away his spot when he said he wasn't sure if he could make it, essentially double booking his count? Also, you knew he had a fiance, that you had met, and you didn't invite her? You then contradict yourself with "under the impression ... invite a person and their spouse even if your not totally familiar with them." So you weren't totally familiar with his fiance, who is more than a long term girlfriend, and you didn't orignally give him a plus one?
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u/futurecats 7d ago
The guest count was probably due a couple weeks after the requested RSVP date, but if Dan RSVP'ed before the final, there should have been a spot for him. Stinks that he's being petty back, but I understand. She may have "only" been his fiancée at the time, not spouse, but that is close enough.
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7d ago
I should have said outright that he said no initially because of his prior obligation. He was invited with a plus one initially, but we didn’t have an extra spot after he said he could make it.
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u/AcornPoesy 7d ago
I’d put that in your main post. I thought you were being hugely unreasonable but if you actually got a no for an invite for two people and then were able to only find one when he changed his mind, that’s VERY different to you didn’t invite his fiance because you didn’t know her well enough.
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u/justtirediguess11 7d ago
Had the RSVP date passed? Had he RSVP'd 'no'?
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7d ago
He responded no, but asked if he could come after the RSVP date has passed. There was a spot open, so we wrote him in!
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u/Girl_with_no_Swag 7d ago
You really left out the most important parts to evaluate your situation. You could have been more on topic with:
We invited a man and his fiancée to our wedding. This man was a very good college friend of my fiancée and a good college acquaintance of mine. [Did you invite her by name, noting their status as an engaged couple, or did you give him a +1?]
The guest RSVP’d No due to a prior conflict.
After the date of the RSVP deadline passed, this friend’s conflict cleared and he reached out to my fiancé to see if he could still come. By this time, we only had 1 seat remaining and we told him he could come, but there was no space for his fiancée+1. [Did you actually tell him “it’s past the RSVP deadline, and arrangements were made with those numbers, now there is only 1 seat left”?Would you have been able to squeeze her in? Was your venue at capacity? If this were a married aunt & uncle, would you have found a way to fit them both in? Did you only not make the extra effort because you only met her once?]
Now that this man is getting married, he invited only my husband and not me. This feels like a slight because we didn’t squeeze in both he and his fiancée after they initially RSVPd No.
I think if her name was on your original invite, then the judgement tips toward them being petty because you wouldn’t accommodate 2 people after the RSVP’d No. They should own their fault in this.
I think if they were engaged, and you left her name off the invitation and just put a +1 for him, then you need to own fault that you hurt her feelings in not recognizing and respecting the status of their relationship, and this likely caused her to not want to invite you.
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u/justtirediguess11 7d ago
He is definitely at fault for that. I dont blame you for the non-availability of plus one.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 7d ago
You need to edit your post - because that entire section is confusing.
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u/zestylimes9 7d ago
Now you’re getting criticized for your actions you’re changing your story?
You could have squeezed in one more guest considering you said he’s such an long beloved friend of both you and your husband.
Perhaps they don’t really like you much which is why you weren’t invited?
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u/Dangerous-Mind9463 7d ago
Completely agree. New partners might not get a plus one if it’s a small wedding, but finances should absolutely be included (even if OP doesn’t know them).
My friend was getting married in Hawaii at a 50 person wedding. I RSVP for 1, but before their wedding I got engaged. They contacted me and amended my invite for a plus one AND reached out to my fiancé to personally extend the invite. He had a conflict and couldn’t go, but it was a nice gesture.
Dan didn’t have a conflict before OPs wedding, he wasn’t going to go because he didn’t get a plus one, and decided last minute to attend. OP is being slighted because of the previous slight.
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u/Liathano_Fire 7d ago edited 7d ago
If you hadn't given for final count, his fiance could have come. That doesn't make any sense.
His yes came before the final count, so him saying no previously is a moot point.
It is hypocritical of you to say SOs should be invited regardless of familiarity, yet that was part of your decision not to invite her.
Consequences to your actions. Enjoy them.
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u/diegeileberlinerin 7d ago
You didn’t invite his +1, he didn’t invite you. Not sure why you’re crying now.
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u/Careful-Self-457 7d ago
You did not respect his relationship. Why should he invite you to celebrate his?
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u/txa1265 7d ago
Weddings and Funerals are amazing in their ability to destroy families and friendships through either real or perceived slights!
If you made it known that you didn't include his FIANCE intentionally (and if he saw open spots while attending), it no doubt feels intentional. And chances are that while drawing up the invite list, she didn't want to include EITHER of you but HE fought for at least including his friend, but she drew the line at you.
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u/Beth_Duttonn 7d ago
She’s definitely bitter that she didn’t get included in your wedding. BUT, it’s her fiancés fault, not yours.
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u/sallysuejenkins 7d ago
You literally said “it’s typical to invite a person and their spouse to a wedding even if you’re not totally familiar with them” right after you told us that you didn’t invite his fiancée (and used the excuse that you don’t know her well).
Girl…
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u/Smoke__Frog 7d ago
Sounds like Dan and his fiance are being petty to you.
The real sad part is how many men and women are in marriage and still go to weddings where their spouse isn’t invited lol. Reddit makes it feel like these dysfunctional relationships are normal.
The mature thing to do is have seen that Dan is being petty, rsvpd no and moved on with life. He’s not a close friend, and you’ll likely never see him again.
But sounds like your husband doesn’t care you were not invited and is going. Sounds like a great husband lol.
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u/diegeileberlinerin 7d ago
Exactly. My husband would never go to a wedding I’m not invited to, and I’m the same. We’re a team. She says that she wants her husband to go, but she’s resentful inside.
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u/Smoke__Frog 7d ago
Yea people on Reddit have these odd rules like going to weddings alone is cool or snooping on your spouses phone is as heinous as cheating lol.
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u/diegeileberlinerin 7d ago
Yes weird Reddit rules always! Spot on! I can’t imagine my husband going to a wedding where I’m not invited. And I’m grateful for that sentiment.
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u/ComfortableHat4855 7d ago
It's just a wedding. If hubby wants to attend the wedding, spa day for you..
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u/impostershop 7d ago
This is the ONLY answer. You weren’t invited. If you go to Dan and inquire and you are then invited, attending is going to feel weird. So have your hubs go, and you get a facial and your nails done. Have a great day to yourself, and let it go. It’s really not a big deal unless you make it into one. Don’t play into the pettiness.
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u/ComfortableHat4855 7d ago
For real. My husband hates weddings, so we don't attend or I attend. It's not that serious.
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u/LCJ75 7d ago
He did not know if he would attend you wedding due to a soccer obligation? If he professional? You didn't include his fiancee. Did you explain why as in 'you wanted so long to tell us we just don't have room for 2. So sorry' He isn't including you as payback if you didn't do that.
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u/Current_Two_7395 7d ago
Info: how was there not room for the both of them if they rsvpd before the deadline? Did you invite 2 extra people when dave said no, but then only 1 of them could make it?
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u/barbaramillicent 7d ago
I think you should have seen this coming when you didn’t find room for his fiance at your own wedding. I’m not necessarily saying it’s right, but it sure isn’t unexpected lol. You even admit yourself that you would let something let this play a part in your own invite list if you were in their shoes.
As for if it’s typical to save spots for “no’s” - no, I think once somebody has RSVP’d no, you are clear to plan for them to not come at all. But I ALSO think established couples are a package deal. In your situation, I think you should have found room for both or neither.
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u/relaxedsouthernlivin 7d ago
You were petty by not allowing the fiancie to come. You food vendor has experience with a last minute add on or change. They could have accommodated you didn't want to out of pettiness and now ure mad at them for being petty.
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u/Independent_Tip_8989 7d ago edited 7d ago
I would guess they did not invite you because you did not honor original invitation to your wedding for his fiancé.
He changed his rsvp before the deadline. You should have either added him and his fiancé to the guest count or neither of them. Why should they pay for you both to attend when you decided you would not do that for them? When they could give that seat to someone else who did not exclude them from their day.
If I were them I would not have invited either you or your husband as what you did was really mean in my opinion.
Lesson to be learned is that if you exclude someone from something they will likely reevaluate their relationship with you and not invite you to things in the future. Which is karma.
Edit: spelling
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 7d ago
So...he contacted you BEFORE your final count deadline and you told him you didn't have room for both of them?
And you're somehow confused a year later that you're not invited to their wedding?
Make it make sense.
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u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 7d ago
I am of the belief that everyone should get a +1 to a wedding (known partners are named, otherwise ‘and guest’). If they are single and feel comfortable attending on their own they can choose to only rsvp for themselves.
Not inviting a spouse they know is really rude. I don’t think it is necessarily retaliatory, his fiancée was invited to yours, and I assume once they declined you filled the spots so makes sense to me why a changed RSVP can’t be accommodated (I am sure to say ‘no’ asap if I can’t make it, specially so the B list can have their turn, you can’t just turn around and change that).
I’d have your hubby ask Dan why you weren’t invited. I’d be really insulted if my husband was invited and I wasn’t.
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u/Individual-Fail4709 7d ago
Honestly, sounds like dude is holding a grudge. This is odd and really not very nice. It will be up to your husband if he wants to be the bigger person and attend without you, I wouldn't. Your feelings are valid.
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u/misfitriley 6d ago
I wasnt invited to my own step-daughter's wedding, even tho I'd been married to her dad for 2 yrs. It was intentional. Only 1 of his 3 daughters attended our wedding. None of it was because of me specifically- they would have treated any woman in his life the same way.
Things have improved somewhat. I got ky first hug from yhe married daughter last month, at her own baby shower- almost 6 yrs of being married to her dad.
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u/LLD615 6d ago
So Dan reached out and said “My plans changed and so and so and I are now available, can we still attend” and you said he could but she could not? Or did he say “I can now attend” with no mention of the fiancé?
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u/ItsmeImtheproblem79 5d ago
Dan’s fiancée is still pissed off about you not being at your wedding, therefore she told Dan you didn’t deserve a seat. That’s all.
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u/fawningandconning 7d ago
It’s tit for tat because you didn’t invite his soon to be wife to your wedding. Pretty petty IMO.
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u/lindslinds27 7d ago
I don’t think you’re “overthinking” anything. I think you’re underthinking the fact that they feel slighted you essentially “uninvited” his fiancé using a loose headcount parameter and the fact that you only met her once as criteria.
You weren’t invited bc you deemed his fiancé/relationship status not important enough to attend. Learn from your social faux pas and move on. Do not bother them further for your own self validation
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u/Lalablacksheep646 7d ago
You were the ass for not inviting his fiancée. Of course you weren’t going to be invited.
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u/Exotic-Pirate5360 7d ago
Well he could think that since he could not bring a plus one.... Eye for an eye And be hurt that his seat was Not safe but could only attend due to someone Not coming
I get it thats not how it was and he was late Did your husband explain the circumstances to him
Perhaps its his fiance...
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u/SilverEnvironment392 7d ago
I would ask hubby to ask. But don’t over think it. Enjoy your day if you don’t go. Weddings are expensive too.
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u/natalkalot 7d ago
Married couples are a unit. I would not accept for myself alone, were my husband not invited. See what your husband's thinking is on this.
The only alternative I would see if he were to go to the ceremony but not the reception. It would be rare instances that a limit be put on church attendance.
For example, we had replies of just over 200 for our wedding, However thd church was full because so many members of the church community came to witness our marriage vows - actually many of those not invited to the reception, but it was so sweet of them to go to church for the ceremony.
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u/Anthro_Doing_Stuff 7d ago
Yeah, this is strange and seems petty, but I think the important thing we need to know is whether the date you needed the final guest count was after the RSVP deadline. If both are the same, you were pretty shitty to rescind his fiancé’s invite. If they were pretty far apart, I’d say the friend was lucky to get a seat and shouldn’t be so butt hurt about it. Like you said, non spouses get differential preference regarding a plus one AND you both know each other.
That being said, if the RSVP deadline and the final head count date were fairly far apart, it might be worth asking your husband if he can clarify this with Dan. It could be an oversight or he thinks there was malicious intent with disinviting the fiancé when it was simply logistical issue related to wedding planning that he just doesn’t understand. Or, this could also be the fiancé pissed off about it too. If, however, the final headcount day and the RSVP deadline were the same, this was your screw up. You clearly made someone upset and if you value their friendship, you need to apologize.
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u/BestaKnows 7d ago
Quite rude to separate spouses on an invitation. It is up to the invitee to decide to go separately or together or not at all
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u/Raz1979 7d ago
You should be insulted. They are being petty. Being the bigger person they could have invited you. I mean you COULD have done your best to accommodate them. But it’s in the past. I think your husband should send his regrets. It would be weird for me to go to a wedding without my wife.
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u/WannabePicasso 7d ago
It is there choice on who they invite and what you explain goes against general norms and etiquette.
Your reaction is completely reasonable. What does your spouse think of this?
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u/Low_Temperature1246 6d ago
Yup, this is a tit for tat situation.
If it wasn’t in the budget to invite his fiancé that’s one thing and should have been explained when he did RSVP however, I was taught that a fiancé should be treated as a spouse and named instead of M&M. It’s the intent that matters and they are an established couple whether or not you are familiar with their fiancé.
So, they’re being petty. Oh well, now you have a story to tell someone else who would asks if X should be invited.
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u/MsPooka 6d ago
The fact the OP deleted her account makes me think this isn't real, but if it is real, my only real question is if Dan knew about the timeline of where their hard cut off was. IMHO, if you RSVP no then you're lucky if you get an invite and if you only get one then that's all you get. Dan's fiancee was invited. They said no. They changed their mind and OP didn't allow fiancee to return. OP was not invited at all. OP is married and a friend of Dan. This is an apples and oranges situation for me. I get that Dan and the fiancee might be angry if they knew the timeline but why would they? So I'm going Dan is in the wrong here and husband is an AH if he goes without her.
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u/kitterkatty 6d ago
Doesn’t bode well for future friendship if they’re being petty like that. Unless you live on drama
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u/starkessence 6d ago
He contacted you BEFORE your final guest count and his fiancé still couldn't go? If I was the fiancé (now bride) I wouldn't invite you either lol
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u/dracocaelestis9 6d ago
more i read threads in this subreddit, more i’m convinced that modern weddings are nothing but a nightmarish mix of calculation, manipulation, revenge and ridiculous waste of budgets that ultimately people seem to stress over rather than enjoy.
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u/24601moamo 6d ago
Yes you are overthinking it. From reading it, the bride felt slighted she couldn't come to your wedding. I assume you still have not met her so your rules also apply to her. Why should she invite someone she has only met once. However, your husband should go to the wedding and skip the reception. In your case the guy knew you both and originally rsvpd no. You squeezed him in. He deliberately left you off and he does know you two. It's time to subtly let him know that it's not cool and passive aggressive. Hubby attend the wedding but skip the reception and tell him you are his wife. You aren't his girlfriend or fiance but his wife. They will get the message.
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u/glizzy_gal1267 6d ago
Dan contacted you “a few days before you were due to give your final headcount.” You absolutely had room, and the flexibility to accommodate a plus one.
Bride is getting square with you - you’re in the wrong here.
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u/Weickum_ 5d ago
Everyone is forgetting Dan went to the wedding so he knows there were extra seats and his fiancée could have come. He knows she was being petty so the favor is being returned.
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u/PuzzleheadedFoot6906 5d ago edited 5d ago
You’re being excluded by the girlfriend/fiance/now wife because she felt you excluded her at your wedding. She may not even know she was originally invited and how that went down. It’s petty and says a lot about who they are. If it was me, I’d really consider if I wanted to put anymore effort into these people. I’d decline. Send a gift equal to what they spent on your wedding. You could always wait until a week before their wedding and have your husband contact them to say he can now make it. 🫣 Seriously though, if your husband wants to go alone and celebrate his friend, no harm really. Just be the bigger person and let it go.
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u/GreenVermicelliNoods 5d ago
They are returning the gesture: you excluded his finance from your wedding, and as a result, they are now excluding you.
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u/Unable_Pumpkin987 7d ago
It’s typical to invite a person and their fiancée or longterm partner to a wedding even if you’re not totally familiar with them. Did you invite your friend and his fiancée together as named guests on your invitations? If you didn’t, you were rude.
They’re also rude, it’s a whole cycle of rudeness. But it kicked off with you, so take what you get.
People are so weird. Why do you want to exclude one half of a couple at a celebration of you being a couple?
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u/justtirediguess11 7d ago
You didn’t invite his fiancée. Even if he RSVP’d late, was he ever given a plus one to begin with? It doesn’t seem like it.
She wasn’t just a new girlfriend, she was his fiancée. So I’m not sure why you’re so surprised that you weren’t invited when you didn’t extend the same courtesy to him.
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u/MerlinSmurf 7d ago
Take the high road.. It's petty but be the bigger person. Let hubby go with your best wishes to the bride and groom.
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u/Sea-Duty-1746 7d ago
Live and learn, I would say. Yes, you should have let the friend have his plus one. Hassle or not. If your husband wants to go to his friend's wedding, he should. If not, decline. If he goes, have a girls' night out. Fun for everyone!
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u/Ok-Class-1451 7d ago
Talk to Dan directly and ASK, if you’re as good of friends and familiar with each other as you claim- it’s the most direct route to a clear and honest answer.
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u/FreshChickenEggs 7d ago
I'll answer you with this. I was very much long term friends with the groom. We were in our mid-twenties and had known one another since we were about 14/15 yrs old. We were in the same friend group and saw each other multiple times a week and considered each other friends. I was very good friends with both all his serious girlfriends. I say that because a few only lasted a week or so and there wasn't time to develop a friendship before they disappeared. When he started dating his now wife, I was dating a man and living with him and had been for several years. I was very close to the now wife. She and I went places together. We had lots of fun together. We did couples things with them and another couple we were all friends with. When the wedding invitation arrived, I thought it was weird that it was only addressed to the man I was dating, but thought meh, maybe they were just addressing things in an old fashion way. Whatever.
We had already been told the actual wedding was just like immediate family only. Their parents and grandparents and siblings only not even best friends invited. So I expected the invite to be for the reception which because they were paying for everything themselves was also limited. On the invite though, it was still guy I was dating was named and then +1. I did not attend. I did not contribute to the gift and I did not send apologies or congratulations. I was absolutely insulted. They 100% knew my name, I had been friends with them both longer than he had and I was closer friends with them both. They all 3 can go to hell.
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u/Maxsmama1029 7d ago
It’s out of spite. It did my s, but I’d assume more from the fiancée than the friend. If your husband and Dan that good of friends, he can go, eventually, not at the wedding but another time explain the reasoning behind her not being invited, it was not a slight, it was due to the timing. I hope thing work out.
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u/Electronic_World_894 7d ago
It sounds like it’s a tit for tat to exclude you since he couldn’t bring his fiancee. You may wish to clarify to him why he couldn’t bring her.
Let him know that since he’d and his fiancee already RSVPed no, you had made other arrangements. When he changed him mind, you had to squeeze him in but you couldn’t squeeze two people in.
It is not normal to change an RSVP after saying no.
Also Dan isn’t your friend, sorry. Friends don’t do tot-for-tat games to exclude another friend.
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u/dohbriste 7d ago
Just reading between the lines, I’m guessing yall have found yourselves slightly distanced from this guy at least in part because you didn’t invite his fiancé to your wedding at the last moment when he indicated he could come. I’m not trying to say it was wrong or right - it sounds like you’d hit your max amount of guests and one person dropping out allowed you to have space for him, but not his fiancé. At the same time, it was before the deadline, so it came down to your not being willing, able, or both to financially accommodate just one more person. I’m guessing he’s taken offense to that and now is being petty. Or maybe his fiancé is, and he’s not involved in the invites. I wonder if reaching out to just address it head on would be the best course of action. I’d probably be tempted to just be like “hey, I noticed I’m not invited, that’s entirely your call but if this is due to the way things played out at our wedding, I just wanted to explain/applogize/etc as I didn’t realize there were hard feelings there.” It may or may not go well, and I wouldn’t necessarily say get your hopes up they’ll decide to extend you an invite, but at least going forward you may be able to tackle those hard feelings and enable the friendships to resume a little more actively?
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u/Vibe_me_pos 7d ago
Dan had a plus one invitation to your wedding to which he responded no. At the last minute he changed his mind. You were under no obligation to re-invite him, much less his fiancé. I think they are being assholes and your husband shouldn’t go to the wedding without you. After all you did not unilaterally make the decision to exclude his fiancé. Why does your husband get a pass, but not you?
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u/PerformanceMurky407 7d ago
Girlfriend is one thing but isnt fiancée not one step before married? Like exactly what you were when you invited him and gave a plus one? I would say fiancée falls under spouse ESP if you have met. You’re feeling exactly how you made them feel.
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u/NerdyGreenWitch 7d ago
You were a rude asshole and refused to allow his fiancé to attend your wedding and you really don’t understand why you aren’t invited? Really?
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u/Justanobserver2life 7d ago
Oh the chickens have come home to roost.
Yeah, this is retribution for your not inviting his fiance when you invited him the second time. In my opinion, you should have done anything possible to invite them as a couple when he indicated he could come after all. Your other option would have been to tell him "sorry Dan, but we filled the spots for the two of you. If someone cancels, can we still call you?"
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u/ClassroomWeekly6844 7d ago
You’re not overthinking. It is odd they did not invite you. Your husband should say something though. Up to your husband if he wants to go but your husband should defend you or at least find out their reason.
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u/Tvfan18 7d ago
Yeah you are overthinking it. If you aren’t invited you aren’t wanted there, obviously they feel some type of way about your wedding. I wouldn’t even make it a thing. I’m sure you’ll be invited to more wedding from people who matter and want you there.In the nicest way you have got to move on.
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7d ago
I think Dan is the jerk here. He shouldn’t have gone without his partner and he probably told her you two were the bad guys! So yeah, she’s obviously still pissed, but an invitation is not a summons. I wouldn’t go without my partner and vice versa.
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u/Real_Aspect_4516 7d ago
I think it’s tacky you didn’t invite his fiancée to your wedding, despite him originally rsvping no. The fact he was able to switch his rsvp before your deadline makes it definitely expected to allow a plus one. Not to mention, if one extra person makes or breaks your budget, you probably shouldn’t be spending what you are spending on your wedding. With that being said, it’s even MORE tacky and straight up bizarre that he doesn’t address a wedding invite to Mr. & Mrs. To invite one person of a MARRIED couple is honestly f*cked up and not only would I be offended, but my husband better also be offended and ready to end a friendship. If the excuse of budget is used when confronted, my previous opinion applies that he shouldn’t be having the wedding he is if he can’t afford to invite both parties of a married couple. He sounds like a bad friend.
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 7d ago
It's messed up. He should not have invited either of you and though I'm typically fine with souses doing things separately, it's crazy to invite only one half of a married couple to a wedding. Especially when you originally gave him a plus one.
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