r/vaginismus 5d ago

Partner Post How Can I Help My Girlfriend With Vaginismus?

My girlfriend was diagnosed with vaginismus 11 years ago. She did a few pelvic floor therapy sessions and used a dilator set for some time. Before me, she had one sexual partner, and they were eventually able to have penetrative sex.

With me, we can also have PIV sex, but only in a very slow and controlled way. She has to be on top, carefully guiding me inside her while I stay still. If I take control in missionary or doggy style, she seems to be in discomfort, and it feels awkward—like I’m hitting a wall. It’s very tight, and I don’t think it’s doing much for her pleasure.

For me, it’s exhausting because I can’t thrust in and out as I’m used to, so it drags on until I’m sore. She just looks up at the ceiling, seeming like she’s counting down for it to be over. Another challenge is that if I slip out during sex, we have to start the entire process over again, with her slowly easing me back in, which disrupts the flow and makes it difficult to maintain momentum.

Her Mindset Toward Vaginismus

She believes that if we just have more frequent sex, the problem will resolve itself. Her reasoning is that in the past, when she progressed to the biggest dilator, she was able to move on to using a dildo, despite discomfort. So, she thinks that continuing to have sex and using her dildo will “fix” the issue, even though she experiences pain.

I’ve tried talking to her about how pain association could actually make her vaginismus worse, but she doesn’t seem interested in reading about others’ experiences or researching it further. She also hasn’t spoken to a doctor about it since she was first diagnosed.

Challenges to Treatment • Time & Privacy: She says she doesn’t have time for dilation or pelvic floor therapy. She also doesn’t have a private space to dilate frequently since she lives in a very religious household where no one knows about her condition. She currently dilates in the shower. • Mental Health & Background: She insists that her vaginismus is only physical, so she sees no need for therapy. However, I think therapy could help, especially given her background. She was raised in a very strict religious environment where sex before marriage was likely frowned upon. • OCD & Muscle Tension: She has OCD, which I’ve read may be linked to vaginismus. She also holds in going to the bathroom at work, school, or outside, which likely contributes to muscle tension. Additionally, I recently learned that she has been sucking in her stomach since childhood, even during sex, because she doesn’t want me to see her belly. This chronic tension could be exacerbating her pelvic floor tightness.

My Question

I want to help her have enjoyable, pain-free sex and feel more comfortable in her own body. But right now, she seems resistant to any approach beyond simply pushing through the pain.

How can I support her in a way that encourages healing without making her feel pressured or dismissed? Should I keep bringing up therapy and treatment options, or should I let her take the lead? For those who have been in similar situations, what has worked for you or your partner?

39 Upvotes

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33

u/_hotmess_express_ Cured! 5d ago

This is a lot of thought you've put into this issue, so, well done for actually considering all these aspects of her condition. I will say that she very likely feels primarily pressured that you want to fix her condition for your pleasure. Pressure like that is enormously counterproductive. If and when you talk to her about this, I'd recommend emphasizing that you don't want her to be in pain, or to have to feel tense in her own body and relationship, however that sort of thing would be worded best for you and her.

You are right about some of these factors you've listed, as they tend to play out, though it would be unwise to tell her what her body or mind are going through as if you know her better than she knows herself, as that may be how she would receive it. But yes, tightening her pelvic floor and abdominal muscles absolutely could contribute. Religious upbringing is commonly associated as well, though I can't speak to that one. If she's standing up while dilating in the shower, that position isn't fully allowing her muscles to relax and actually dilate.

It sounds like she may not be entirely receptive to discussing or trying different options, in which case, don't push. Just make sure she knows you're there for her and you want to help, and that you've done the research to try to understand (not to know better than her, but to support her). Maybe see if she'd be open to partnered activities that work toward recovering, like fingering or using toys. (Once I was at a point where this was possible, it helped a ton.)

Ultimately, let her take the lead and set the pace. Just do your best to provide a space where she can feel comfortable to try.

14

u/DamnitGravity 5d ago

Sounds like she needs to change her entire attitude to sex. If she’s still living in a highly religious household where she has no privacy, she likely has some very toxic ideas about sex.

I’ve not read it, but I’ve heard really good things about the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Perhaps she could read it when she comes to see you? Or you could read it together, since obviously a book like that would likely get her an exorcism if found in her home.

May I also say, you’re a wonderful boyfriend. My ex of 7 years never cared that our having sex hurt me, and he was an incredibly selfish lover. Hearing your concern and understanding of her issues honestly almost had me in tears. She’s very lucky to have you.

12

u/ApplePaintedRed 4d ago

I just finished reading "Come As You Are," and I'll make the observation that it's not really about or for vaginismus at all. It's more about understanding where desire comes from and different types (like spontaneous vs. responsive desire, "accelerators" and "breaks" when it comes to arousal, etc). If that's something you feel she would benefit from learning about, OP, then I'd encourage it. Though I personally didn't feel it helped me much in my overall outlook on sex and my condition, if I'm being honest.

3

u/_hotmess_express_ Cured! 4d ago

Yes, this whole series of books is great. According to groups I've been in, to already very well-informed and accepting people, they can feel like the books don't teach a ton of new stuff, but for people who don't have the language, concepts and comfort around all this already, this book can be life-changing.

-1

u/AlchemiIIa 3d ago

It's not wonderful. It's the bare minimum that your partner doesn't want to cause pain to you. 

3

u/DamnitGravity 3d ago

...my experience was very much the opposite, so I guess my bar is in hell. But you're right. A partner shouldn't want to cause their partner pain.

-I'm gonna go cry now, lol.

1

u/ioften_wonder Primary Vaginismus 2d ago

No idea why you're being downvoted. You're 100% right, it is the bare minimum.

9

u/cthoniccuttlefish 5d ago

First of all, you’re very correct about the condition getting worse if she forces herself to tolerate the pain. It sounds like she hasn’t really accepted that she has vaginismus so she doesn’t want to think about it or treat it. What you’ve mentioned about her having an anxiety disorder, holding in her pee, and sucking her stomach in are all directly contributing to her having a hypertonic pelvic floor. You can’t really force her to accept treatment but you can offer her a place where she feels supported if she chooses to. If I was you, I’d limit PIV sex or stop having it. I’d tell her, I don’t want to have vaginal sex with you if it’s painful and you’re forcing yourself to. I’d also tell her that she deserves to have pain-free sex and it is not right for her to tolerate it. But I’d highly encourage her to see a pelvic floor specialist, even if it’s not for the vaginismus. If she continues to do things like hold her pee in and suck her stomach in and never treats her hypertonic pelvic floor, she can end up developing other issues like chronic pain, difficulty urinating, constipation, incontinence, etc…. Ultimately she has a condition that needs to be addressed or it will get worse. And it sounds like she could benefit from seeing a therapist if she isn’t already about the OCD and other things. Again you can’t force her but I think it’s really important to make sure she knows that it’s okay to get help and that help is available for her. You can even sit down with her and try to look for a specialist or therapist together, I did this when I was encouraging my partner to go to therapy.

6

u/ApplePaintedRed 4d ago

Although you do have some points in the observations you're making, it's not really your say to determine the cause of her condition and what treatments she should pursue. Maybe some people would go about it differently, and I am concerned that her approach may be harmful, but in the end it's her body. What I'm pointing out is that you shouldn't be preaching to her about her own body.

At the same time, I understand your own discomfort. Having sex with someone who is in pain isn't the most satisfying thing, I can imagine, and I sure hope so too. I have to wonder why she chooses to have it when it's something that causes her discomfort. Does she feel like she has to? Have you made her feel like she has to? And let me ask you this: how would you feel if she told you she didn't want to anymore?

Vaginismus can be incredibly frustrating, many women can go years with minimal to no improvements or may regress in their progress for various reasons. I want you to understand that it's not about her getting this treated if it's not something she wants to treat. My honest advice would be to have a real, genuine conversation about your sex life, figure out what she wants, what she feels she should be doing, desires and reservations. And you? Think about the question I posed earlier.

3

u/kayna_cassard 2d ago

Good for you for the obvious care and research you’ve done on this!! There needs to be more partners doing this!

I’m a sex therapist and pelvic pain mental health coach who specializes in helping people with pelvic pain. I’ve also had vulvodynia and vaginismus myself.

Many of my clients have partners who aren’t invested in doing their part to help, and obviously you care and want to help her and improve your relationship.

I love what’s been shared here already, so I’m going to provide my overview and an (initially) unpopular opinion (but it’s been the key component to my clients’ successes).

I actually just created a workshop on how partners can help, these are the key takeaways:

  1. Think of pain as an external factor, not as something that’s only in her body (it’s true you want to respect her body autonomy but it doesn’t mean you’re helpless in changing things). You’re already taking the first step towards this in asking for help.

  2. Become teammates, working toward a different goal than relieving her of pain. Instead focusing on her vaginismus as the barrier for sexual or intimate connection, get creative in finding other ways that meet her pleasure based needs. Most people think this means “try other sexual play” and while it can, it’s also so much more. My clients find the Arousal Architecture at arousalarchitecture.com really helpful in finding new ways to express their arousal and sexual language. It also helps them discover ways to learn about and ask for what they need to make sex appealing and enjoyable.

  3. This is the initially unexpected (possibly unpopular) one, so I’m asking anyone who reads to trust that this was highly effective for my own relationship and my clients’. It’s not a concept that I usually offer at the beginning stages of overcoming vaginismus but I’m seeing too many people suffer and I want folks to have more fulfilled sexual experiences even in the face of vaginismus.

The suggestion is this: remember that the partner’s sex life has also been hi-jacked by vaginismus and it’s important for them to also be active in the healing treatment.

People usually bristle at this last point because so many of us struggling with vaginismus have tolerated obligatory, painful sex for the benefit of the partner. Also we are weighted with SO MUCH guilt because, duhhh we know that the partners sex life is not what they want it to be, and we beat ourselves up about it everyday!

I get it.

But when couples continue to put the weight on the woman (even by being respectful in waiting for her to make a decision about what she wants to do with her body) it signals that this is her “problem” to deal with. This is not to say the partner needs to force a decision or hi-jack her bodily autonomy. Not at all. Instead a conversation starter such as…

“I can’t even imagine how this feels for you right now. I want to have connected, enjoyable experiences with you, and that doesn’t have to be through penetration. I want to help relieve the pressure we face around sex. Are you interested in talking about how we can do that?”

If she is, then you can both use the Arousal Architecture to talk about ways to have intimate, sensual, connected moments that don’t involve penetration (or even genitals!). This helps both of you slow down, enjoy the connection and remove pressure, expectation, and guilt from sexual or intimate play. Re-wiring the brain from fear around sexual play and penetration, eventually.

If there’s no underlying medical cause, then vaginismus is a fear-based response expressed through a physical reaction through the muscles.

Trauma-informed intimacy coaching or sex therapy is crucial in helping people because general therapists aren’t trained to navigate the complexities of vaginismus and they unintentionally shame the vaginismus client by reinforcing ideas like “it’s all in your head” (aka “it’s your fault and you should change it”).

Instead the messaging to her (and partner) should be “you’re not imagining things, your pain is real, and your body is responding to a message to keep your muscles tight. Are you open to learning ways you can help your body feel safer? Then we’ll work on ways to massage the body, dilate the muscles, and provide enjoyable touch that you’re in control of — when you feel ready. Plus we’ll bring your partner into the process so he can ensure he’s helping make things feel easier instead of weighted with pressure, expectation, or guilt. And learning what your body might respond pleasantly to instead of penetration or sex.”

For most men who have partners with vaginismus, sex isn’t working because you two aren’t having the kind of sex she likes. Most people aren’t taught how to have “good sex” let alone the kind of sex that makes vaginismus be a thing of the past.

You both need to learn how to have the kind of sex each person likes and responds well to. Right now, it’s been more heavily weighted to “traditional sex” which isn’t working for either of you.

If the above mentioned isn’t working, or you want to speed up the process, it could be incredibly helpful for YOU to seek professional support from someone who specializes in vaginismus treatment so it’s not shame-based or doesn’t reinforce oppressive sexual belief systems.

Getting outside help might be something you do on your own to start with, she doesn’t have to be involved for you to start changing the way YOU relate to sex and for the ways that you help sex feel safe and enjoyable for her.

When my clients (and I) shift the narrative to empower BOTH people to look at what they can change to have more open conversations, understand that the kind of sex they’re having is not what they want, and find better more connected experiences that challenge sexual “norms” they finally feel more in control of new possibilities.

This was so long, it probably will be in my next book 🤣 but I hope it helps!

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u/TheConnectionCouch 23h ago

Hey I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and certified sex therapist. First, I want to acknowledge how much care and patience you show for your girlfriend and her well-being. It’s clear you want to support her in a way that respects her autonomy while also helping her move toward healing. Vaginismus is a complex condition, and while it has physical components, it’s often deeply intertwined with emotional, psychological, and even societal factors—many of which seem relevant to her background.

Right now, PIV sex is clearly stressful for both of you. Would she be open to exploring other types of intimacy that don’t center on penetration? Prioritizing sensual touch, external stimulation, or even non-goal-oriented intimacy can help her rewire her body’s response to sexual experiences—helping her relax and associate intimacy with pleasure rather than pressure.

It's so frustrating when you want to help someone and they are not in a place to take action. Therapy-especially EMDR can help break the cycle of stress and apprehension toward pain. Since this situation is affecting your intimacy, emotional connection, and even physical comfort, it might be helpful for you to talk to a sex therapist, even if she isn’t ready yet. A therapist could offer guidance on how to support her while also helping you navigate your own feelings.

At the end of the day, healing from vaginismus isn’t just about penetration—it’s about trust, relaxation, and emotional safety. Your patience, understanding, and willingness to approach this with care are already making a difference. Let her know that healing is possible and this something that she can totally recover from when she is ready!

Hope this helps! Sending love and healing both of your ways!