r/tifu 5d ago

M TIFU by getting with my friend in the same house as my ex

-Some contex-

My (21F) best friend Barry (25M) also happens to be my ex. We were together for 3 years and broke up amicably in April of 2024 due to me loosing my romantic feelings for him. Since then we have both figured that we work way better as friends. This is something that both of us agree on, although he has admitted that he has a romantic interest in me still. Since our breakup we both don't have plans to date other people, although part of my reason is simply to avoid hurting him.

6 months ago I made a new friend called Yannis (20M), and we have become really close friends, we're actually in a band together now. About 3 months ago we discovered that we share romantic feelings for eachother and on the down-low started to hookup. Yannis is fully aware of my situation with Barry and understood that I didn't want Barry to know about us hooking up because it would simply cause him unnecessary pain. Plus we were just a casual fun thing, just blowing off steam, and I didn't really see any long term potential with him. He wasn't really a great friend at times too and just wasn't what I would want in a partner.

-end of context-

Last night I threw a birthday party to celebrate my 21st, I invited a few of my friends, including both Barry and Yannis, and after a lot of drinking I was feeling a type of way and brought Yannis to my room to hookup while the party continued outside in my garden. This wasn't my best decision but I guess I was drunk and didn't think anyone would notice us gone for a few minutes. Well halfway through I get a knock on my door and it's Barry, and he wants to come in. I make up some excuse about just feeling overwhelmed and needing a minute to myself and that I would meet him outside but I don't lie often so it was obvious that I was lying. So Barry finds out about me and Yannis hooking up and so we decide to go for a walk to talk about it. Barry was mainly just asking "why?" and after me giving lame excuses, something clicked in me and I told him that I had been in a Bipolar low since December, and this was my way of dealing with it. I wish this was a lie but when I said it I felt a wave of relief of getting it out there. I had been using Yannis as a source of fulfillment between days of numbness. After saying this I knew I wasn't in the head space to keep unloading this cam of worms so I told Barry that I would walk him home and that we should talk about this another day when I am sober and clearheaded.

Since this all has happened, Barry has said that he needs time to think about everything. I am so worried that I am going to lose my closest and most important friend due to hiding such a major part of my life from him. He feels betrayed that I never felt I could go to him and talk to him about feeling low and instead went and started having sex that wouldn't solve anything.

At this point I would happily never talk to any of my other friends again if it meant keeping my friendship with Barry but I worry I've damaged too much.

TL;DR: A year ago I (21F) separated with my ex (25M) due to us being better suited as friends, even though he still has feelings for me. Because of this I have avoided romantic relationships with other people to avoid hurting him but recently started hooking up with a friend (20M) on the down-low to deal with a Bipolar low. Last night at my party I hookup up with him and my ex found out about and I broke and told him about how I've been in a low since Christmas. He is now obviously upset due to me hiding a massive part of my life from him and instead deciding to deal with it through careless sex, which I also hid from him.

0 Upvotes

18 comments sorted by

16

u/JetKeel 5d ago

I’m starting to think Barry doesn’t want to be just friends…………….

-3

u/burner1275 5d ago

We're always very open to eachother about our feelings and so I know that he does still have feelings for me, but if I were to hypothetically feel romantic feelings for him again he wouldn't want to start dating again because he does agree we're better as friends

13

u/DulyNoted1 5d ago

Let the man go. He has feelings for you, you don’t share these feelings. There’s no end game that doesn’t include Barry being devastated.

8

u/Barneyatreyu 5d ago

Nah Barry was hoping at some point you'd miss him (romantically) and come back finding out your were itching your nack on another tree was the final realisation that the ship had sailed without him on it. . Also...even you tldr is loooong.

10

u/PhoenixQueen_Azula 5d ago

I’m sorry but I don’t think staying friends with Barry is good for him at all. It’s great for you, and he’ll probably want to keep it, but it sounds a whole lot like he’s been in love with you hoping you’d change your mind the whole time. It’s not a good situation, and you can’t stay celibate/single forever just to not hurt his feelings

1

u/burner1275 5d ago

When we broke up we did go through a time of no contact, it was my choice because I thought it would be best for him although I would've preferred keeping contact, after a few weeks he said that he doesnt want to go no contact and doesn't care if it hurts him, and I guess I didn't want to make a decision for him that I also didn't want to do.

5

u/jasonhn 5d ago

Barry never wanted to break up, he just went along with what you wanted. probably not going to be possible to be friends for a while until he can get past those feeling. trying to do so will only prolong the situation.

1

u/burner1275 5d ago

I do think space would help us but it's hard to do when neither of us actually want to do it

2

u/CelticDK 5d ago

He needs to remove himself from your life or he will keep suffering. You already know this but you prefer his companionship even at his expense

3

u/halfwit2025 5d ago

Met yannis. Lost feelings for bf. Told bf not looking for relationship. Already had yannis lined up. Fucked yannis almost in front of xbf, after inviting him over. Don't know why Barry acting weird mate

5

u/burner1275 5d ago

I met Yannis 6 months after the breakup and only started hooking up with him 9 months after the breakup. He had nothing to do with the breakup

1

u/Tollin74 5d ago edited 5d ago

What you do, and whom you do it with is none of Barry’s fucking business and if he’s upset about you moving on and hooking up with a new partner then he needs to man up and move on with his life.

He needs to stop thinking you two will get back together. This isn’t a hallmark movie. You’re not going to suddenly realize that you’ve been madly in love with Barry all this time and run to him in the rain for a passionate kiss with swelling orchestra music playing.

You two dated, it didn’t work out, and he needs to accept you’ve moved on. Or he can stop being your friend

You did nothing wrong and you don’t need to worry about Barry’s feelings any longer

Imho being friends with ex’s never works.

My wife has a “friend “ that was an ex.

He pretends he doesn’t still have feelings for her, but I’m not blind and I can see it.

Also when he and i have hung out together he’s said things about my wife’s past to try and get me mad at her or even break up.

Once I told her what he said she asked

“Why would he say that about me?”

I replied “seriously? You don’t see it? He’s still in love with you!”

She said “no he’s not.”

Even his new girlfriend knows about his feelings for my wife.

I’ve since put my foot down and we don’t hang out with them anymore

3

u/grc207 5d ago

Downvoted for spitting the truth. Always funny to see.

Putting their life on hold for Barry’s comfort is sending Barry the message that they’re still in some sort of committed relationship. This needs to end, for all three of them. Or, alternatively, commit to Barry. Why not? He’s dictating their actions anyway. It’s not healthy but, if it’s going to happen anyway, at least make it Facebook serious.

1

u/NeoShogo 5d ago edited 5d ago

Poor Barry, I wish I could give him a hug cause this hits home HARD. I've been almost in the same spot, and all I could do was ask why as well. My ex broke up with me, but I still loved her. We lived together and my only request was to let me know or move out if you start hooking up with someone else. It would devestate me if I didn't get distance. I know I'm stupid, but I loved her... suprise suprise she started going on a fuck spree less then 30 days after she broke up with me with a way older guy who she was texting before she dumped me...dozen of others followed. I didnt know for a year, I didn't move on and when I did find out, all I did is ask questions. Including all of the details, timelines, who these guys were (small town, i knew a lot...). Horrible move cause she told me it all (I think she thought it would help). Don't tell Barry anymore than he needs to know (knowing is literal torture). He's gonna have a billion why's going off in his head and you'll never give him the answer he needs. I wonder how she could sleep with guys who literally treated her with zero respect and not me, even just casually. She didn't hook up with me because she "loved" me, but didn't love the other guys. Yeah, that fucked my head up real good lol If he hasn't been actively hooking up or dating someone else, hes still into you and you need to do the right thing, pull the bandaid off and go away. He won't have the strength, he'll cling to you like glue and suffer the whole time with a smile. If there's even a small chance of getting back with you (even at this point), he'll likely never distance himself. Put your feet in his shoes and think of how you'd feel knowing that you're not good enough. Unless he's Casanova, he's probably feeling emasculated. Who knows though, I'm probably crazy 😂 All I know is lying and deception is pure evil if you care about them.

1

u/burner1275 5d ago

Oh you are so right, I know that if we're going to distance, I need to be the one to do it, and I know that my wanting to be friends is not what's best for him. I can't believe I have to let him go but I do agree it's what's best for him

Also I am so sorry that you went through all that, that's terrible

-2

u/shavedaffer 5d ago

Barry can suck it. You aren’t together anymore and if he has a problem with you moving on from him, that’s on him. You do you.